Ed Ranks the Supposed Multiple Causes of Rasputin's Death

This creepy guy probably needed a killin'

Look, Rasputin is famous for being impossible to kill. But that story is also total bullshit and relies on the dubious accounts of his murderers. They (Felix Yusupov, Dmitri Pavlovich, and Vladimir Purishkevich) had a vested interest in proving that their enemy was evil and demonic.

Chances are they capped the dude in the back of the head and that was it. Maybe they fucked up once and poisoned him with something that wasn't strong enough. I dunno. It doesn't matter. Let's just pretend the story that they (mainly Yusupov's most famous account) tell is real.

I isn't though, so don't get too worked up. The coroner's official cause of death is a shot in head at close range. That's it.

6. Revolver Shot to the Chest by Yusupov - The third time they tried to killed Rasputin on the early morning of December 30, 1916, Felix Yusupov went upstairs, borrowed a gun from Dmitry Pavlovich, came back downstairs, and made some CSI: Miami-esque quip to Rasputin about needing to look at a crucifix and say a prayer. He then shot Rasputin in the chest. Pretty boring. Shooting a guy in the chest is a fairly standard way of killing someone. I guess by try #3 they were running out of creative killing ideas. In all honestly though, we can't blame them for being at a loss and going for this basic option after the first two tries didn't work. I'm not sure how many backup murder plans I'd have.

5. Three Glasses of Poisoned Madeira Wine - The second time they tried to kill Rasputin, after the first poisoning didn't work, was done by trying to poison him... AGAIN! They gave him three glasses of poisoned wine. And he still didn't die. I know, this is pretty vexing. But trying to poison someone's wine is also pretty standard fare. This sounds more like some Agatha Christie story than a well thought-out murder plot. Maybe don't try to poison this guy again after the first attempt fails. Maybe this guy is just immune to poison. Or you bought shit poison. Did you even try it on rats first?

4. An Additional Two Gunshots (Including One to the Head) by Purishkevich in a Courtyard - The FOURTH (yes... FOURTH!) time they tried to kill Rasputin (after two poisonings and a shooting hadn't worked) was an attempt to shoot him again. After finding out that he survived the first shooting, Rasputin apparently ran out of the building and made a break for it outside. But they caught him in the courtyard and Purishkevich busted a cap two more times, with one of those times being a shot to the head at close range. This is really the only verifiable cause of death and, as mentioned above, the one that appears on the coroner's certificate.

Deadly, deadly tea and cakes!

3. Cyanide-laced Tea and Cakes - The first attempt to kill Raputin was as simple as it was cute: Give him some cyanide-laced tea and cakes. It's sort of like a little girl's tea party, except that little girl is Lydia from Bettlejuice. This plan should have worked. If you gave me cyanide-laced cakes and tea, I would surely eat them and die. This was better than the "poisoned wine" (attempt two) idea because poisoning wine is a cliche. But tea and cakes? No way I would think some thoughtful-ass person giving me tea and cakes was trying to kill me. Who would go to all that effort of baking?

2. Being Wrapped Up in Cloth and Tossed into the River - So let's be honest here, maybe all those things up to the gunshot to the head actually happened. Some failed poisonings and some gunshots that didn't kill him after the first shot. I suppose that's plausible. But, according to Yusupov, even after the fourth murder attempt that included a close range BOOM HEADSHOT, Rasputin still popped up again. I'm sure this is bullshit, but here we go. The SIXTH AND FINAL attempt to kill Rasputin was to take him, wrap him in cloth (maybe a blue curtain), and throw his body into the Malaya Nevka River. In December. In Russia. According to additional legend (not even Yusupov's story, but embellishments after) he was alive even then and there was evidence that he clawed at the ice. But again, that's not even part of this story. Anyway, throwing someone in a freezing river in Russia in December is a pretty good way to ensure that they are dead. But chances are, he was already way dead before this happened. The coroner found no water in his lungs, so he was a goner before this. Now we're getting into overkill. Yes, only now.

1. Beating him with a Rubber Truncheon - After being shot in the head, but before being dumped in a freezing river, there was the fifth attempt to kill Rasputin. In this attempt, Rasputin was still somehow alive and Yusupov got a rubber truncheon and beat Rasputin in the head with it until he passed out. And by "he," I mean Yusupov, not Rasputin. Yes. Yusupov apparently beat another man in the head so hard that he himself passed out from how hard the beating was. Honestly, this one is being ranked #1 because I simply find the words "rubber truncheon" funny. As I'm typing this, I don't even know what a truncheon is. Okay. Now I'm Googling it. It's basically a baton. But if the account was "baton," it wouldn't be that funny. But "truncheon" is funny. Especially since it's rubber.  Total desperation move here, guys. You poisoned and shot a guy who still won't die and you think a rubber stick will do the job?  I'm just thinking of this Felix dude trying to kill Rasputin FOUR times and it doesn't work, and so he grabs a rubber stick and hits ol' Raspy until he himself daintily passes out. Epic.