Ed Ranks the Names of Horses at the 2004 Preakness Stakes

Horse names are crazy, right? Who cares about how good these horses are or in what place they finished. The true winner is the Owner who gave the horse the best name.

10. Little Matth Man – This is a terrible name. This might be the lamest horse name I’ve ever seen in my life. Oops. Sorry for saying “lame” next to “horse.” I swear it wasn’t on purpose! Anyway, I didn't spell "math" wrong. That's how the name is. Like a nickname for Matthew, but for stupid people.

9. Imperialism – This is the most aggressively “White Rich Man Who Owns Horses” name possible. Yikes!

8. Water Cannon – Water Cannons are fun, but I don’t particular associate them with horses. Not even sea horses. Which is probably why Water Cannon finished DEAD LAST.

7. Borrego – This is Spanish for “bighorned sheep.” That’s confusing. Don’t name your horse “sheep.” That’s like naming your dog “Cat.”

Smarty Jones. Although it could be any horse, honestly.

6. Smarty Jones - Smarty Jones won the 2004 Preakness (as well as the Kentucky Derby) and is, most likely, the only horse name from this list that you will even recognize (if you even recognize that). But it’s a pretty “meh” name. Sorry about that second place finish at the Belmont and your lack of a Triple Crown, Smarty.

5. Eddington – This one doesn’t strike me as good or bad. It’s just a name. This horse sounds like he should be in the British House of Lords.

4. Song of the Sword – Very poetic and epic. It sounds like something from George R.R. Martin. Or maybe the bible. Wait. Is this just some sort of bible thing?

3. Lion Heart – It’s hard to believe nobody named a racehorse this until the 2000’s. It seems so obvious. So I wonder if it was named after Richard I or after Chris Jericho.

2. Rock Hard Ten – Is this a horse or a pornstar? Either way… I LIKE IT.

1. Sir Shackleton – Niiiiiice. Great horse name. I hope he’s not named after Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton though. Naming yourself after an Antarctic explorer who died along the way is probably not good mojo for your horse.