Ed Ranks the Coolest Dinosaurs

I (much like every 5 to 16 year old) know that dinosaurs are cool. But what is the coolest dinosaur? Well, better check out this top 10 list and scroll your way down to see. But while you’re scrolling, you might as well look at the other 9 too, right? I mean it won’t be too burdensome for you, will it?

10. Spinosaurus

More like AWESOME-saurus, am I right?

This Cretaceous-period dinosaur obviously means “spine lizard.” Look, I didn’t take Latin in school of anything, but I’m smart enough to figure out what “spino” means when you look at this dude’s spine with this huge “sail” looking fin on the back (neural spines) which are similar-ish to the same feature on the (much smaller) Dimetrodon. The Spinosaurus was a brickhouse though. This dino was a HUUUUUUGE predator, T-Rex sized and perhaps even more fierce. Jurassic Park 3 wanted you to think that, at least.  When I was growing up it was a “fact” that these large spines were so that the dinos could soak up the sun and stay warm. But then again, when I was a kid I thought dinos were cold-blooded killing machines without all of those lame bird feathers. Now science isn’t so sure and has a bunch of different theories. Whatever.

9. Pachycephalosaurus

Fighting... or romance?

This species’ name doesn’t really roll off the tongue, which has limited its ability to get super famous. Still, most people should know exactly what this dino is – the head bumpy one. Yeah, the one with the thick skull dome that it can use for combat with others. Just bonk in in the head like Bonk… the cave man. I guess. There is another head-bumpy dinosaur (though much smaller in size) called the “Dracorex,” and which there has been some healthy debate over whether it’s the same species juvenile or a separate species. Right now people are going with separate species as the general answer, but Dracorex certainly won in the naming department with its menacing freaking name (which is less cool when you realize it’s named after the Harry Potter villain).

8. Brontosaurus

Scientific recreation.

I know, this is where you might be a buzzkill and try to tell me that “Brontosauruses don’t exist.” Well they do, so forget you.  For a number of years, scientists un-made the Bronto that most kids grew up with (as our typical depiction of the huge, lumbering, four-footed, long-neck vegan dinosaur who is always gobbling on the tops of trees). Damn scientists! It’s just like how they unmade Pluto as a planet. That kind of stuff hurts, buddies.  Anyway, they (the cabal of evil scientists who want to destroy fun and Brontos and Pluto) said that our buddy the Bronto wasn’t really its own species, but was instead a repeat species of the already existing Apatosaurus.  Scientists really wanted us to un-learn the Bronto and start calling it Apatosaurus.  Well that jazz just wouldn’t stand, and in 2015 researches who I totally agree with based on my childhood prejudices declared that the Bronto was its own, separate species from the Apatosaurus. Good. Welcome back, Bronto. We missed you. You’re still a long-necked herbivore though, so you’re not going to rank that high.

7. Deinonychus

Yeah, THIS GUY! Or gal. Sorry.

Another species that isn’t super famous, but it’s important. Remember the velociraptors in Jurassic Park? Of course you do, velociraptors are cool. Or are they? You will not see the “velociraptor” (technically the Velociraptor mongoliensis)  on this list anywhere, because the actual velociraptor is a big small and lame. How small? About the size of a turkey. Imagine how disappointing those films would be if a bunch of turkeys were chasing everyone around. I’m sure they could be mean and nip your knees and everything. Still.  I think Michael Chriton just thought the name “velocicaptor” was cool, and used that name. In reality for their depiction in the film, they were inspired by the Deinonychus. But don’t worry, our raptor fun doesn’t end here. To be continued.

6. Allosaurus

Pic from its Tinder profile.

Allosaurus (“different lizard”) is cool, but suffers from the fact that it will always be seen as the lesser –saurus to the similar Tyrannosaurus. Like the T-Rex, the Allosaurus is a huge, bipedal predator with tiny little baby arms that makes it not really into stuff like signing autographs or putting the toilet seat back down when it’s done. If you look at an picture of an Allosaurus, you will probably just think it is a T-Rex because who can actually tell the difference other that super-duper dinosaur experts? And by “super-duper dinosaur experts” I am, once again, referring to 5 to 16 year olds. At least these guys are actually from the Jurassic Period, unlike the T-Rex.


5. Utahraptor

Ugh. Can't dinos NOT have feathers? Please!

Okay, our raptor discussion fun time is back after a brief pit stop to the Allosaurus. Remember how I said the Jurassic Park folks used the Deinonychus as their inspiration for the film’s velocipators? Well, not long after that (or maybe at the same time or a bit earlier, but it just wasn’t really known to the public yet), cool scientists (not the evil Brontosaurus-hating type of scientists) were digging around in Utah and found what became the Utahraptor. What was it? Pretty much a species related to the actual turkey-sized Velociraptor mongoliensis, but much bigger. How much bigger? Well, about the same size as the velociraptors in the movie.  Yeah, so this one is awesome because they were just sort of willed into existence in order for us to have a species that more closely matched what we began to think of “raptors” looking like in pop culture. And by “we willed into existence,” I mean we did nothing because it was just a lucky coincidence and they had already existed in the early Cretaceous period thereabout 126 million years ago (which is also the length of Avengers: Infinity War).


4. Ankylosaurus

He be clubbin.

Yeah, this is the lil’ guy with the armor and the mace on the end of its tail. Honestly, the mace is the coolest medieval weapon. If I had to be an extra in a movie featuring medieval warfare fighting, I would want to be the guy who blugeons people to death with a mace. Not the lame sword guy. There are too many lame sword guys anyway.  I digress. The Ankylosaurus was cool enough so that he didn’t need to wear a suit of armor and hold a pace. Both of those features were built-in.  Evolution got things right here.  Everything else since this guy has simply been mistakes (other than the apes getting smart brains, I guess that was cool too).

3. Stegosaurus

This man is way too calm about these two Stegos about to eat him.

Stegos are awesome, but they seem less awesome when you realize that their name means "Roof Lizard." Whatever. They are the ones with the awesome plates on their backs. You think you know what the plates look like (awesome, sharp pointy triangles pointing up) but in actuality scientists have four different theories for how they were actually arranged, including a lame theory that gives them the "roof" name because they look more like shingles than the awesome "I've got stabbies on my back, so don't try to eat me!" configuration that you and I assume. If you mix a Stego with a T-Rex, you basically get Godzilla. I'n not sure if it could breath fire there. So maybe you have to also mix it with a dragon.  There is a famous and often-told science fact: that Stegosauruses were as old and as long extinct at the time of T-Rexes asT-Rexes are to us today (Stegosaurus roamed the Earth during the late Jurassic period, 156 to 144 million years ago, while the Tyrannosaurus lived during the late Cretaceous period, about 67–65 million years ago... hence T-Rexes have been extinct for 65ish millions years to us, but Stegos had been extinct for nearly 80 million years when the T-Rex was alive. It did live at the same time as the Allosaurus though. So that's cool if you want to PRETEND that the T-Rex fought Stegos.


2. Triceratops

Stab stab stab stab.

Ah, good ol' three-horned face. This species is often, and I bet it loved to stab the hell out of other idiot dinosaurs with its awesome three horns. Basically all you have to do is imagine a modern day rhino but with even more horns. There guys are also from the Late Cretaceous, so they got to hang out with the Tyrannosaurus. If by "hang out" you mean "fight." 


1. T-Rex

Obviously. I don't really need to explain why the Tyrannosaurus is coolest, do I?

Rawr.

Ed Ranks 1984 Milwaukee Brewers Pitchers

This wasn't their logo at the time. Whatever.

Oh, did I not tell you last time this would be a two-parter? Well, it is. Because how could I tell you about the 1984 Brewers position players without talking about the pitching staff?

18. Jerry Augustine – I mean technically he had a 0.00 ERA, which in other circumstances would make him a boss.  But under the circumstances where he only had 5.1 Innings Pitched and gave up four hits and 1 run in those innings, he’s at the bottom of the barrel for 1984’s pitchers.  His season would be so bad, that he would never play in the majors again.

17. Jim Kern – Jim pitched even less than Jerry Augustine (a mere 4.2 innings), and gave up more hits (6). So why rank him above? No runs, plus he was able to finish 3 games and get a win, feats which Augustine couldn’t match. Kern had played for the Phillies earlier in the season, before being released and signed by the Brewers as a minor leaguer, eventually being brought up in September.

16. Paul Hartzell – He only pitched 10.1 innings and wound up with a 7.84 ERA, which is not good at all. As with Augustine, September of 1984 would be his last days in the Major League.

15. Andy Beene – Benne was brought in for 5 games, 3 of which he started but wound up with an atrocious 2 losses and 11.09 ERA. When you have more Earned Runs (23) than Innings (18.2), you are not destined for MLB stardom. Which is why 83-84’ were the only years he was in the majors.

14. Tom Candiotti – 2-2 record with a little over 32 innings pitched and a .529 ERA? Yeah, this guy seems like he’d be about 14th place among 18 pitchers. Fortunately, things would get better for Tom and he’d go on to be a much better pitcher later in his career, playing until 1999 and having especially good seasons with the Indians.

13. Jack Lazorko – A backup reliever who got to be in 15 games, giving himself 1 loss and 1 save. Just meh. He was famed for being one of the best fielding pitchers in the game…but great fielding wasn’t enough to give him a promising career.

Nope. This is the wrong guy.

12. Bob Gibson – HOLY SHIT! BOB FUCKING GIBSON played for the Milwaukee Brewers in 1984? This pitching legend must have been slumming it with the Brew Crew after being a 9-time Allstar, 2-time World Series Champion (and series MVP both years), 2-time Cy Young award winner, etc. etc. Wait. No. This doesn’t make sense. Bob Gibson retired in 1975. He would have been 49 years old! Let me look into this further…and…ah, okay. I see my mistake now. This is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT Bob Gibson. Never mind. This guy was…ya know…a just okay backup starter.

11. Rick Waits – This guy had been pitching for the Indians for some time before winding up in Milwaukee near the end of his career. By 1984, he was just a relief pitcher who did okay, finishing 16 games and playing with a decent 3.58 ERA.

10. Chuck Porter – Chuck started in 12 games and was about as good as you’d think a middling starter for a terrible team would do.

9. Ray Searage – When the great Rollie Fingers wasn’t able to close a game, Ray Searage was the guy they could reliably turn to. He got 6 saves in 21 games with a very nice 0.70 ERA. Yet he only played in 38.1 innings, so I can’t rank him that high.

8. Pete Ladd – Pete Ladd was the actual man who the Brewers usually turned to as the closer when Rollie was out, and had some notable play in 1982. But I’m talking about 1984. He played a lot more than Searage, so I’ll rank him higher. But he didn’t do quite as well.

7. Tom Tellmann – As with Searage and Ladd, Tellman was an okay reliever who sometimes got the job done (4 saves, 6 wins), and sometimes did not (3 losses, 25 Earned Runs).  Still, with a 2.78 ERA, he was pretty decent.

6. Mike Caldwell – In Caldwell’s last season in baseball, his skills had clearly faded. He maintained his position as a starter for a good portion of the season (starting in 19 games), but he’d wind up with 6 wins and 13 losses.

5. Bob McClure – As with Caldwell, McClure bounded back and forth between being a starter and reliever. In 1984, the Brewers used him mainly as a starter, where he would start 18 games, winding up with a mediocre 4-8 record.  He was also used for relief duty, and even got a single save in.

4. Jaime Cocanower – The Brewers only had 3 picthers in 1984 who could be consistently relied on as starters, and they are three of the last four here. Cocanower wasn’t the best of the three, but he put up about as decent stats as he could have for being a starting pitcher on a terrible, terrible, last-place-in-the-division team. 

Essentially Rollie Fingers.

3. Rollie Fingers – Ah, the aforementioned Rollie Fingers! Yeah, it’s hard to believe that old man Fingers with his freaky mustache was still around in 1984 – but he was! He was 37 years old in his second-to-last year after an earlier successful career with the A’s (and Padres).  While he was notionally past his prime, he still put up 26 saves on a terrible team and had a stellar 1.96 ERA. Good work, old man!

2. Moose Haas – Moose Haas had more losses (11) than wins (9), but that’s still enough to make him the second best pitcher on a team that only won a total of 67 games all year. At least he kept his ERA under .400 (barely, at .399) and threw 84 strikeouts.

1. Don Sutton – HOLY SHIT. I was mocking Don Rollie Fingers for being around at age 37, but it’s hard to believe that Don Freaking Sutton was still pitching in ‘84.  Sutton was 39 this year, and the legendary Dodger (who played back in the 1960’s) was still bouncing around in the 1980’s, where he would continue to pitch for numerous different teams (the Brewers, Astros, Athletics, Angels, and finally one last year with the Dodgers in ‘88).   I can’t mock him though, as in 1984 he was still the best option the Brewers had. He went 14-12 with a .337 ERA and 143 Ks.

Ed Ranks 1984 Milwaukee Brewers Position Players

Hey kids! I'm a beer barrel, drink alcohol!

Why would I rank the position players on a mediocre team from over 30 years ago, which finished last place in the American League East (67 wins, 94 losses) just two years after making it to the World Series?  I'm not sure myself, but here we go.

18. Paul Molitor - "The Ignitor" would go on to have a 21-year MLB career, 7-time All Star, Hall of Fame inductee, and the 1993 World Series MVP. But do you know what he was in 1984? A utility player with 46 at bats, 10 hits, 3 runs, and the lowest OBP of anyone on the team - making him the absolute least relevant player on the the team.

17. Randy Ready - Speaking of mediocre, Randy couldn't break the Mendoza line in his 123 at bats, finishing the season with a .187 BA. At least he'd go on to have a decent later career though.


16. Willie Lozado - Debuted in July 1984 and played his last game in September 1984. Not a long career, but at least he got one whole dinger as a Major Leaguer.

15. Doug Loman - You probably haven't heard this name, and that's because this rookie LF would only last one more season in MLB after his September 1984 debut as a backup before being shipped off to the Yokohama Taiyō Whales. He has a decent .274 BA and technically had the highest OBP on the entire team, but those stats are a little misleading, as he only played in 23 games.

14. Roy Howell - Howell had been a vet of MLB for a decade before winding up as an injury-prone backup 3B on the Brewers towards the end of his career, only getting 164 ABs and hitting .232. He had 4 HR, wish isn't terrible for his minimal plate appearances.

13. Charlie Moore - Moore played for the Brewers for 14 years, but by '84 he was a backup RF who would make very little of the 70 games he played in.

12. Mark Brouhard - This LF never did much with his 1984 season, nor his 6 year career, but did manage to get more hits than Charlie Moore while playing in less games.

11. Bobby Clark - Backup CF Clark had a decent .260 BA in his 189 plate appearances. Nothing to write home about though.

10. Bill Schroeder - Second-year player Schroeder was coming off a rookie season where he was the fastest Brewer rookie to reach 15 HR.  He wouldn't be able to repeat that feat in 1984, only reaching 14 for the whole season and serving most the season as a bench warmer. It was still the second most HRs on the team!

9. Ted Simmons - This switch-hitter had a solid career and was considered as one of the best hitting Catchers of his era. Only in 1984 he wasn't a Catcher - he was a DH. Okay, one strike against him already because DHes are typically declining, aging players who have lost their fielding skills but still can contribute something at the plate. Did Ted contribute? No. He had a .221 BA, .269 OBP, and a .569 OPS - all of which were the worst stats for starting players. He was second worst in SLG, and only knocked in 4 dingers with 532 plate appearances (Roy Howell had the same number of dingers with a mere 176 PAs). Why the hell was this guy even a DH? Isn't the "H" in "DH" supposed to stand for "hitter?"

8. Ed Romero - I hate to hate on a guy named "Ed," but starting 3B Romero put up some pretty weak stats and was the only starter to have a worse SLG than Simmons. His other stats are pretty middling too.

7. Rick Manning - Rick's .688 OPS sabermetrics may make him look good in hindsight, but don't be tricked. He was not good. I mean nobody on the 1984 Milwaukee Brewers was really good.

6. Jim Gantner - Lefty 2B Gantner hit a solid .282, which is basically good enough for sixth place. No more, no less.


5. Jim Sundberg - Starting Catcher Sundberg didn't have as many ABs as his fellow starters, as he often had Bill Schroeder platoon in for him. However, his pretty average .261 BA may be deceiving his actual value, as the number of doubles (19), triples (4) and HRs (7) he hit gives him statistically the second best OPS after Yount. That's pretty good, although the lower number of PAs and ABs gotta knock him down the list a little.

4. 3. Ben Oglivie - This Panamanian LF was close to the end of his career in 1984, although in the previous two seasons he had made the AL All Star Team. While he didn't make the cut in 1984, he still threw up some decent statistics, such as .711 OPS.

3.  Cecil Cooper - While this 1B's .307 OBP might seem a bit sucky, he made up for it by hitting big, with 11 HRs and a team-leading 28 doubles.  You might also remember him as the Astros Manager about a decade ago. No? Okay, never mind.

2. Dion James - With 431 PAs, 21-year-old OF James had a great .295 BA, 19 doubles, 5 triples, and 10 SBs. Not too shabby. He was the team's (not the league's) rookie of the year. You might also remember James as the OTHER GUY who isn't Randy Johnson to successfully murder a bird in the middle of a game.

1. Robin Yount - SS Robin Yount was a first ballot Hall of Famer in 1999, and he was already showing that mid-career in 1984 by being the team leader in Games, PAs, ABs, Runs, Hits, Triples, Dingers, RBIs, Stolen Bases, Walks, IBBs, BA, OBP, SLG, OPS, and TBs. And this wasn't even one of his best seasons, as this wasn't even one of the three seasons in which he made the All Star Team, nor one of the two seasons where he was AL MVP. 

Ed Ranks the Names of Istanbul

Ed Ranks Everything loves maps!

True, it was once "Constantinople." But it was also other things as well. These are the main ones.

7. Augusta Antonina - For a few years in the early 3rd Century, Roman Emperor Septimius Severus re-named the city after his son, Antoninus (this was done after Severus basically destroyed the city in 196 AD). Talk about nepotism. This name obviously didn't stick.

6. Kostantiniyye - This one sounds kind of dumb, but it linguistically makes sense.  This was just an Arabic loan translation of "Constantinople." The "ople" part of the latter name came from the Greek word "polis" (city).  But the Ottomans conquered the city and didn't want that Greek nonsense, so they replaced the "ople" with an "iyye" which was the Arabic version of "palace of," e.g. "Palace of Constantine." 

5. New Rome - Emperor Constantine himself wanted to name the city "New Rome," which is sort of lazy. In fairness, he did consider himself ruler of the "Roman Empire," so it would have made sense. I will say that it's sort of cool that he wasn't egotistical enough to name the city after himself. People did that later.

4. Istanbul - The current and modern Turkish name actually has its origins going back to the 10th Century, being a Greek/Armenian/Arabic bastardization of a term which essentially means "the city." Also pretty lazy, when you think about it. This is like playing SimCity and just naming your city "City."

Constantine could also CARRY ENTIRE CASTLES. Boss.

3. Constantinople - I mean this is a cool-sounding name and everything, but I can see why they did away with it. Too many syllables. Five syllables is at least two syllables too many for a city name if you want it to roll off the tongue. As basically explained in Kostantiniyye above, this obviously just means "City of Constantine."

2. Lygos - According to Pliny the Elder, this city was originally a Thracian settlement named "Lygos." And why would we not believe Pliny? What reason does he have to lie about this? This name is super Greek sounding.

1. Byzantium - This awesome-named city was founded by Greek colonists from Megara in 667 BC, but the name is believed to predate the Greeks to some Thracian or Illyrian king named Byzas (at least according to legend). The name stuck until Septimius Severus' siege over seven centuries later, after which it went through the names ranked #7 and #5 above, before setting on Constantinople.  Still, the name lived on much later with the "Byzantine Empire" period which reigned for 1000 years. Although admittedly, the Byzantine Empire was never actually called "Byzantine Empire" when it existed. It only retroactively got that name by historians afterwards.

Ed Ranks the Remaining Game of Thrones Characters by How Likely They Will Die

This didn't work out too well for me when I tried it with The Walking Dead, but whatever. I'm over that now. I've moved on with my life.

Here are 36 characters who I have deemed to be the "most important" remaining characters left in HBO's Game of Thrones. Sorry fans of Bronze Yohn Royce and Qhono, your characters don't make the cut. And despite how awesome Tim McInnerny is, Robett Glover doesn't make the cut either.

Part I - The "Will Definitely Live" Crew

36. Lyanna Mormont (Bella Ramsey) - This badass girl is basically unkillable.

35. Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) - I mean, considering that the Three-Eyed Raven is basically a time-traveling god now, it's going to be pretty hard to kill a time-traveling god. Right?

He can't die! Uhh...again.

34. Jon Snow (Kit Harington) - This guy is the hero of the show and I can't imagine they'd kill him off again (not that I believed the first death to be permanent). If anyone is a big enough dick to kill someone like Jon Snow off, bring him back, only to kill him again...it would be George R.R. Martin. But this show isn't by GRRM anymore, it's by the TV writers, and they have proved time and time again that they're likely to follow the traditional hero narratives, rather than GRRM's deconstruction and subversions of them. Also, the TV already lampshaded this possibility by having a scene before the Battle of the Bastards where Melisandre explicitly stated that maybe the Lord of Light brought Jon Snow back just to kill him again. If the TV writers really intended to bring back Jon Snow just to kill him again, there is no way that they would have included this scene in the show to explain it.

33. Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) - It's been a pretty solid fan theory for quite some time that the "A Song of Ice and Fire" is a volume about the history of Westeros, written by Sam Tarly about the age of the War of the Five Kings and the return of the White Walkers after centuries, concluding with the probable marriage alliance of the Houses Stark and Targaryen. Scenes in the TV show when Sam was at Old Town and mumbled about giving volumes more poetic names all but confirmed this theory. How can the guy who is actually the narrator of the entire Song of Ice and Fire die? The answer is that he can't and therefore won't.

Hasn't she suffered enough?

32. Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) - I've seen some theories that Sansa could die in the last season. I just don't believe it. She has suffered way too much to just die after all of it. In reality, that's how life works and I wouldn't put it past GRRM to do something horrible like that. However, as noted above, the TV show isn't GRRM.

31. Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) - Speaking of people who have suffered...yeesh. Poor Brienne has had a rough life. Her situation is even rougher in the books, where she's had a lot of her face chewed off by that cannibal who Arya let out of the cage in book/season 2. I don't know about the books, but I just don't think killing Brienne will add anything to the show at this point.

30. Gendry (Joe Dempsie) - I guess he could die. But why even bother killing Gendry? Hey! Speaking of not bothering...

Part II - The "Will Definitely Live, But Only Because We'll Never See Their Characters Again and their Ultimate Fate will Go Unmentioned" Crew

29. Meera Reed (Ellie Kendrick) - I would be super surprised if we saw Meera again. Sorry Meera-Bran shippers!

28. Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) - I'm pretty sure he got his final send-off when Arya left the House of Black & White. He fulfilled his narrative purpose to train Arya and might as well just stay in Essos. At least in the show. As for the books, he's obviously up to some shady shit in Old Town, disguised as Pate.
 
27. Daario Naharis (Michiel Huisman) - Some people think Daario might come back as part of the Golden Company. I don't.

Part III - The "Will Most Likely Live, But No Guarantees" Crew

26.  Edmure Tully (Tobias Menzie) - I sort of want to include Edmure in the above "will never be mentioned again" section, but there was an episode cast "leak" which gave the impression that Edmure will appear again, which is odd. I'm not sure he actually will appear again though.

Boobs cropped out. Damn it!

25. Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) - I could see Dany dying in some sort of way to fulfill some prophecy. Just like how Azor Ahai had to kill his beloved Nissa Nissa in order to forge Lightbringer, maybe Jon has to kill Dany to defeat the Night King. But yeah, probably not though.

24. Gilly (Hannah Murray) - I can see no narrative purpose for Gilly to die at all, and so I don't think she will.

23. Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) - The only reason Missandei would die is to just piss off Dany and make her lose her shit and start killing people like her dad, the Mad King. Which would be cool. But I don't think it will happen. 

Part IV - The "Could Honestly Go Either Way" Crew

22. Podrick Payne (Daniel Portman) - Eh, flip a coin on whether this is a character that is worth the time to kill off. Maybe. It would definitely be heartbreaking to watchers at home, as well as to other characters like Brienne, Tyrion, Bronn, etc. Therefore, I guess they could kill him.

21.  Robin Arryn (Lino Facioli) - Same as Edmure Tully above. I fully expected to never see Robin's sickly ass again, except there is a rumor based on an episode cast list that he will appear. If he actually does appear though, he's 100% a goner. So really this is a coin flip as to whether the cast leak saying that he appears is accurate.

20. Eddison Tollett  (Ben Crompton) - Part of me thinks that the White Walkers have just skipped Castle Black on their way to Winterfell, and that the show won't even bother to revisit the castle. The other part of me thinks that they'll finish everyone at the Wall off and maybe we'll see Dolorous Edd as a Wight.

19. Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) - I'd hate to see Tyrion die, but of all the "main" book POV characters who you'd think would live to the end of the story - Tyrion is one of the most likely remaining one to die. But what do I know? How many people reading the first book thought Ned would die and eventually wind up being sympathetic to Jaime?

Insert "No One" Joke Here.

18. Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) - Beyond Tyrion, the only other "no way can they kill that person!" person who might die is Arya. I still hope not, but maybe the books have always been sending her on some direction to be Lady Stoneheart, and the show simply skipped the Catelyn version of Stoneheart to save the undead murdering queen fun for Arya.

Part V - The "Good Chance of Dying" Crew

17. Varys (Conleth Hill) - Yeah, Varys could probably die. Or maybe he won't, since he's been able to survive so long across so many different rulers.  It's far more likely that he'll die in the show than in the books though. He's up to some tricky shit in the books with that Fake Aegon, for sure!

16. Tormund Giantsbane (Kristofer Hivju) - He definitely has a good chance of dying. He's less important in the books, where he's headed on his way to Hardhome (which was depicted as a brutal massacre in the show). That probably doesn't bode well for him having any narrative need to survive to the end.

15. Bronn (Jerome Flynn) - Sure, you want him to get his castle (he already has in the books -  Castle Stokeworth). But he very well might not. Honestly, he should have died saving Jaime from the dragon fire in Season 7. 

Part VI - The "Will Almost Certainly Die" Crew

It's sort of hard to rank these last 14 characters, because I firmly believe that all 14 of them will die.  I know it's super hard to get 14/14 right, but I just see no way any of these guys or gals live. So I guess this will sort of be a mixture of how likely they are going to die (which for all of them I feel is well in the above 90% range) along with how important it is that their characters die for narrative purposes.

Gooooooldfinger. Doo doo doooo.

14. Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) - Don't get me wrong, putting Jaime at 14 doesn't mean I think he has a good chance of living. I mean he could, but the "redeemed asshole" narrative almost always ends with the redeemed asshole dying. If Jaime dies (which, again, I think he will), they should just rename the Redemption Equals Death trope after him because he will personify it.

13.  Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham) - Oh sure, you want this lovable old loyal man to live and continue to hit on Missandei like a creepy dad chatting up his daughter's friend. But Davos is almost certainly toast.

12. Qyburn (Anton Lesser) - The only reason I could see Qyburn not dying is if in the chaotic wars of the last few episodes, they simply forget to even mention him. I think this Undead Mountain-creating Dr. Frankenstein is simply too cooly villainous to not kill off though. 

11. Yara Greyjoy (Gemma Whelan) - Will Theon save her? Maybe! But she'll probably still die anyway.  Believing that the people of the Iron Islands will "live to change their ways and end reaving" is just not a believable commitment by Yara. All the Greyjoys basically have to die, although by a slight hair I'd say that Yara is the least likely to do so (still pretty likely though).

10. Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbæk) - The only way Euron lives is if he actually does what he said he was going to do at the end of Season 7 and runs away across the world, as far away from the White Walkers as possible. Cersei explains that was a lie though, and he doesn't actually plan on doing that. Which is his mistake. Dumbass.

9. Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer) - Beric and Tormund are together, so you'd think I'd rank their fates more similarly. But Beric is much more likely to die (yes, again...and this time permanently) than Tormund in my view. If for no other reason than the "to pass his power on to someone else" story. Although with Thoros dead now, do we even know if Beric can still do that? Eh. I dunno.

The night is dark and full of hot gingers.

8. Melisandre (Carice van Houten) - Davos will kill her. I have (almost) no doubt.

7. Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) - He's going to be collateral damage of war. He just will be. Sorry, Missandei.

6. and 5. (Tie) - Sandor "The Hound" Clegane (Rory McCann) and Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) - Ladies and Gentlemen, it is the final season and the Clegane-Bowl is happening! They will both die. Probably fighting each other.

4. Night King (Vladimir Furdik) - Yeah, he is going to be defeated. He just will be. Honestly, it would be crazy weird if he isn't.

3. Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) - I know there is something enjoyable about the "Wouldn't it be hilarious if Cersei Lannister is the one who lives and winds up on the throne in the end?" theory that a lot of people have been postulating. Is that the type of thing GRRM would do? Yeah, I suppose. But there are just too many things that have been completely accurate in the Maggy the Frog prophecies for the last part of the prophecy (Cersei dies, being choked by the hands of the Valonqar) to not come true. It would just be a glaring, annoying plothole. Jaime is the most likely Valonqar ("little brother") because the books go out of their way to drop a hint that Jaime was born second (and would hence also be a little brother to Cersei, despite being her twin). The only other option is Cersei dying from childbirth to a boy, which would be another "little brother" of sorts. While the books don't go outright in saying Cersei is pregnant like the show, there is a book scene where she complains about her shrunk clothes not fitting properly because her stupid maids don't know how to wash them right. While this scene serves the immediate point of reiterating that Cersei is a total bitch, its more subtle point is to show that she's a frequently oblivious bitch that doesn't realize she is pregnant yet (hence the tighter clothes). Given that the show pregnancy is probably being driven by the subtle book pregnancy, it looks like this pregnancy will actually serve an important plot point in both narratives - potentially related to the valonqar. I'd still prefer it be Jaime though.

2. Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen) - Jorah will never get Dany. So he will have to wind up dying for her in the friendzone. But then again, we've always known this would be his fate. Sam curing his Greyscale was just delaying the inevitable.

Doomed.

1. Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen)

The only person who the redemption = death narrative may apply to more than Jaime is goddamn Theon. While Jaime has an unlikely, outside shot of surviving, I estimate Theon's chances of survival to be roughly the same as the chances of survival after fucking with John Wick's dog.

Ed Ranks the Filmography of James Dean

Squinty here is probably suffering from pinkeye.

James Dean was only in three films where he was credited (and five uncredited) before he decided to test the Pauli exclusion principle and determine if two or more identical fermion particles with a half-integer spin (such as the particles that make up, say, a Porsche 550 Spyder and a Ford Tudor) cannot occupy the same quantum state within a quantum system simultaneously.

Here are those eight James Dean films, ranked.

8. Sailor Beware - Ugh. Shit. A Jerry Lewis / Dean Martin movie? I'd probably rather shoot myself in the head than watch this 1952 film where James Dean plays an uncredited boxing trainer. Martin & Lewis aren't funny and the only thing sailors should really be aware of is herpes. 

7. Has Anybody Seen My Gal? - James Dean plays "Youth at Soda Fountain" in this godawful Rock Hudson film set in the 1920's which pretends that white people invented jazz music. Is there a missing girl in this film that someone is looking for? Nope. The title of the film is just the name of an old jazz song and has nothing to do with the plot whatsoever. What the hell, man? I should write a movie called "Murder at the Mansion of Dr. Sinclair," which features no murder, no mansion, and no doctor named Sinclair.

6. Trouble Along the Way - John Wayne plays a football coach tries to save a college about to go bankrupt by building up its athletic program. I haven't seen this movie, but I assume John Wayne never tries to find black athletes. Because, you know, he's a horrible racist. James Dean doesn't even get to play a young football player in this. He's just a spectator in the crowd. Oh, there's also a plot about John Wayne trying to get the custody of his daughter, social workers, blah blah.

5. Fixed Bayonets! - This was the first movie James Dean was ever in, playing the tiny uncredited role of "Doggie" near the end of the film. It's a war film set during the Korean War, although it stole lot points from the Henry Fonda WWII film Immortal Sergeant so much that the writers of that film were given screen credit for this one.

Now you're thinking about White Diamonds.

4. Giant - This was the film James Dean was making when he died. He completed all of his film work prior to his death, but someone had to fill in to dub some lines for him, what with him being splattered into chunky bits prior to the release of the film. He earned an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor for playing ranch hand "Jett Rink" (a terrible character name), and so did his co-star, Rock Hudson (this was obviously a much better Hudson-Dean film than Has Anybody Seen My Gal?). Young, hot Elizabeth Taylor is in this too.

3. East of Eden - James Dean plays Caleb "Cal" Trask in this adaption of the John Steinbeck novel which is itself a quasi-retelling of the story of Cain and Abel (if they were Californians about to go off to World War I). James Dean nabbed his first Academy Award nomination for Best Actor for this film.

2. Rebel Without a Cause - Of James Dean's three films where he played a lead actor, if you had to guess which if any he'd received an Academy Award nomination for, you'd probably guess this one. Well, this is the only one of the three in which he didn't get nominated. But then again, the Academy Awards is always doing stupid stuff like that. Dean's most iconic role was, of course, not really recognized at its time as much as it is now. Dean plays Jim Stark, who as far as I know is not related to either Tony Stark, nor the Starks of Winterfell. But he is a moody teenager in this film about how life was tough for White, middle-class people in the 1950's because all those emotions and "parents just don't understand" generation gaps and everything. Yep, poor, poor White people in the 1950's. They had it so hard. They're just bound to get into knife fights at Griffith Observatory, play chicken in cars, and... uhh... I actually haven't seen this film all the way through, so I'm just guessing here.

1. Deadline – U.S.A.

This is a Film Noir Humphrey Bogart flick where he plays a crusading newspaper editor named "Ed." Basically, it's Spotlight but in 1952. So, for obvious reasons, this is the best film. Film Noir? Film Noir plus Bogart? Film Noir plus Bogart plus a character named Ed? Hell yeah!

It doesn't even matter that this ranking is about James Dean and James Dean is an inconsequential copyboy in this. BOGIE!

Ed Ranks the Sieges of Gibraltar

Some pretty valuable real estate.

Gibraltar is at a nice, strategically important position on the Mediterranean where it becomes a choke-point for ships between Europe and Africa, trying to get through the nearby Strait (of Gibraltar, naturally). He or she who controls Gibraltar (okay, honestly it's "he." I was being politically correct, but you know how history is horrible to women) thus is a powerful player.

This kind of strategic location is therefore pretty valuable, and has been fought over several times. How many? Well, let's say fourteen. It's probably more, but these are the big ones that wound up with epic, long sieges. Or sometimes just two day sieges.

14. Second Siege of Gibraltar (1315)

This one is extremely vague, and the exact dates are unknown. Some time during 1315, the Moors launched an attempt to take back the land which they had lost six years previously to Castile. The strike didn’t last long, and when the Castilian navy showed up, the Moors abandoned their quest and huffed it back across the strait. It's not very interesting.


13. Tenth Siege of Gibraltar (1506)

"Dudes, really?" - Archbishop Diego Deza.
Totally a real quote.

The Moors were booted from Spain in 1492 (an easy year to remember), and thus all sieges in the 16th Century and after are strictly battles of European Christians versus European Christians. The result of the Ninth Siege in 1466-1467 left the castle in the private hands of the landowning De Guzmán family. Yet by 1501 Queen Isabella thought that having such an important and strategic point being in private hands was pretty dumb, and thus declared it as crown property. The De Guzmán’s were not particularly happy… but what could they do? They couldn’t defy the Queen, could they? No. They just waited for her to die in 1504. Following her death was a period of political instability, and in 1506, the De Guzmáns gathered an army and tried to take Gibraltar back. They assumed that the inhabitants of Gibraltar LOVED their family and wanted them back. They were wrong and the citizens wouldn’t open the gates for them. For four months they laid siege until the Archbishop of Seville came down and was like, “Dudes, really? The people don’t want you. Go away. Do you really think this is honorable?” Shamed, the De Guzmáns gave up and marched away.


12.  Fourth Siege of Gibraltar (1333)   

In the previous Third Siege of Gibraltar, Castilian Governor Don Vasco Perez de Meira surrendered to the Moors on June 17, 1333.  A mere nine days later, on June 16, King Alfonso XI of Castile launched the Fourth Siege. So yeah, that was a pretty short period of peace. Since the Moors had just retaken the city, their defenses weren’t quite organized yet. So all-in-all, it was probably a pretty good plot by Castile. Was it a good enough ploy? No. After two months of siege with several failed assaults (Alfonso was too aggressive and didn’t even wait for backup forces to arrive), Alfonso was forced to withdraw his forces and accept a four-year truce from Muhammed IV of Granada. 

11. Third Siege of Gibraltar (1333)   

Whoa, going in a little bit of a reverse order here. Abd al-Malik, an ally of Muhammed IV, Sultan of Granada, decided that he wanted to recapture Gibraltar from Castile. First al-Malik engaged in a number of “distraction” campaigns to throw the Castilian forces off before launching his assault.  The ploy worked, and with  the forces of Castile engaged elsewhere deep in their own territory, about 7000 Moors laid siege to Gibraltar from February until June of 1333.  King Alfonso XI of Castile was not expecting that at all, and before he could respond his governor, Don Vasco Perez de Meira, surrendered to the Moors. So after three sieges of Gibraltar, the score is Castile 2, Moors 1.


10. Sixth Siege of Gibraltar (1411)  

The ruler of Fez.

The first five Sieges of Gibraltar were all Christian vs. Muslim affairs, featuring Castile vs. the Moors. But after that, history got a little more complicated. The Moors of Granada and Fez evolved to became rivals. In 1374 the two made a deal which traded Gibraltar from Fez-rule to Granada-rule. By 1410 the Moors in Gibraltar decided they didn’t like Granada’s rule and declared their allegiance to Fez. Thus in 1411, Granada launched a counter-strike which led to the Sixth Siege of Gibraltar. With a little bit of help from treacherous forces on the inside, Granada eventually broke through and regained control from Fez. This would be the only Muslim vs. Muslim siege. 


9. First Siege of Gibraltar (1309)

For a month from August to September 1309, King Ferdinand IV of Castile fought against the Moors of Gibraltar, led by Muhammed III of the Emirate of Granada. The forces of Castile attacked from the north and south simultaneously and reached the top of the Rock of Gibraltar. From there, they set up catapults and bombarded their Moorish foes. The Moors were never totally defeated, but eventually took Ferdinand up on an offer to guarantee them safe passage back to Africa in exchange for the surrender of Gibraltar. Thus end-eth the First Siege of Gibraltar. Usually "first" versions of ongoing wars that spawn sequels are pretty epic, like the First Crusade. This conflict is just a bit ordinary though.


8. Thirteenth Siege of Gibraltar (1727)

The end of the War of Spanish Succession in 1713 formally seceded Gibraltar to Great Britain. Philip V of Spain wasn’t particularly happy about that fact. In 1727, Philip said “Fuck the Treaty of Utrect!” (haven’t we all?) and sent the Marquis de las Torres and Spain’s Catholic allies to go get that sweet, sweet territory back. The siege began on February 22 and soon the Spanish began building a number of batteries to fire upon the Brits. After 10 days of bombardment where the Brits struggled to make repairs, they were saved by some bad weather that slowed the Spanish assault down. That bought the Brits some time to get naval replenishment and the Spanish weren’t really able to resume a full-scale assault until May.  But by then, the Brits had gotten their supply chains up and running and were able to repair the damage to their fortress faster than the Spanish could damage it (thanks to their maintenance of naval domination, which allowed constant supplies to flow in via the water). In June, the Spanish had to settle for a truth and gave up their hopes of recapturing it. Well, until 1779, that is.


7. Twelfth Siege of Gibraltar (1704 to 1705)

Oh look, battle graphics!

Exactly a month after the English & Dutch (Grand Alliance) forces took Gibraltar from Spain in the Eleventh Siege, Francisco Castillo Fajardo of Spain marched to the isthmus with 4000 men to take it back in September of 1704. He set up shop (smartly) out of the English cannon range and (also smartly) waited for additional reinforcements to come before striking. By October his men were up to 7000 and he hoped to attack with a force of 12000. French reinforcements (part of the Spanish-French Bourbon Alliance) also arrived to assist as well. On October 26, they established a battery and begun to assault the English and Dutch defenses. The Grand Alliance was probably too weak to withstand any double-attack from multiple sides from Spain and France, but winter soon set in and have the Grand Alliance a chance to sail in reinforcements of their own. In February 1705, Marshal René de Froulay de Tessé of France led a major assault but suffered heavy losses. When Admiral John Leake arrived in March and defeated the French Navy at the end of the month, the Bourbon Alliance had no choice but to skedaddle and let the Protestants retain control over the Rock. 


6. Ninth Siege of Gibraltar (1466 to 1467)

The Eighth Siege ended with a Christian victory. Yet just as Sixth Siege would be a Muslim vs. Muslim affair, so would the Ninth Siege pit Christian vs. Christian. And every siege after that, basically. The Eighth Siege saw the De Guzmán family claimed Gibraltar. However, soon after that King Henry IV of Castile (who did absolutely zero to win back the territory himself), claimed it in the name of the crown, likely at the behest of the Ponce de Leon family (rivals to the De Guzmáns). But in 1466, many Castilian forces aided his half-brother, Alfonso the Innocent, in a claim to take the throne, starting a mini-Civil War for the throne. Juan Alonso de Guzmán allied with Alfonso in return for Gibraltar being granted back to him. Juan then immediately headed down to claim it, figuring that the governor in charge would quickly surrender. The governor did not and 15-month siege began. When Juan brought in cannon at the 10-month mark, things really got interesting and the holdout forces desperately tried to hold out until reinforcements came.  Such forces would never arrive, and they finally surrendered to Juan in July 1467.


5. Eleventh Siege (the "Capture of Gibraltar") (1704)   

Admirals used to look a lot different.

Oh yeah! TOP FIVE TIME! From now on, I'll try to explain exactly why these bad boys are all ranked higher than the others, if the descriptions themselves don't explain why they are more interesting than the others enough. After 200 years of peace in Gibraltar since the De Guzmán family’s abortive 1506 siege came the Eleventh Siege (aka “The Capture of Gibraltar”). This time (in August of 1704) was in the middle of the War of Spanish Succession. European powers led by England and the Dutch Republic joined forces (calling themselves “The Grand Alliance,” who were Protestants) to prevent the unification of the Spanish and French thrones (“The Bourbon Alliance,” Catholics).  The Grand Alliances wanted a nice base of operations where they would be able to control the Straits of Gibraltar from and… hey… a great place to control the Straits of Gibraltar from is FRIGGING GIBRALTAR!  Admiral George Rooke of England landed 2000 marines on August 1, 1704 and it took his English forces a massive two days to win the city and for the Spanish to surrender (not without heavy causalities though). Why is this one so awesome? A two day siege doesn't sound that epic. But winning a war in two days? That's pretty boss.


4. Fifth Siege of Gibraltar (1349 to 1350)   

Plague? Yes, I'll have some of that please.

Alfonso XI of Leon and Castile, twice defeated in the Third and Fourth Sieges of Gibraltar (both in 1333), decided he’d have another go in 1349. Although Castile had a somewhat long-lasting truce with the Moors, the Moors broke the truce in 1348 when Abu Inan Faris (no relation to Anna… probably) overthrew his dad and Alfonso decided the location was fair game. He brought a large number of siege engines and prepared to dig in for a lengthy fight. The siege did indeed last over the winter, and all the way until March 1350. If you’re at all familiar with European or World history, you might recognize these dates as fairly famous ones. 1347 to 1351 was the peak of the Black Death in Europe, when 75 to 200 million people in Eurasia died. If you think that a war zone is magically impervious to Black Death, you’d be wrong. Alfonso’s generals pleaded with the King to end the siege when death broke out in his camp. He refused. For that, Alfonso was rewarded with the gift of the Black Death himself. As soon as he died, his forces pulled out and abandoned the siege. Moors 3, Castile 2. Why is this one so cool? Come on, there is a Black Death story in the middle of it. It may not have been a particularly competent or successful siege, but that's a damn interesting story about a King being an idiot and getting the plague.


3. Seventh Siege of Gibraltar  (1436)

One thing that the Moors loved to use Gibraltar for was as a base for raids into Christian/Castilian territory. Even though Castile hadn’t tried to siege the land in nearly a hundred years (since 1350), by 1436 Castile was getting really pissed off at these raids and Enrique Pérez de Guzmán (a descendant of Alonso Pérez de Guzmán, a hero of the First Siege of Gibraltar) decided he would use his magical hero blood to do what his granddad did and take it back for Christianity! His army blockaded the isthmus while a fleet landed men on the beaches. There he discovered that… oh… oops… this place is a lot more heavily fortified and defended than he thought it would be. As his forces were completely bombarded, he ordered his men to withdraw. He wasn’t so lucky himself though, as his boat capsized and he drowned. The Moors then found his body, decapitated it, and hung it from the town’s wall. So I guess “magical hero blood” isn’t really a thing, is it? No. Awesome story though. Really makes this one memorable.


2. Eighth Siege of Gibraltar (1462)  

Pictured: Juan Alonso de Guzmán

In August of 1462, a Moorish inhabitant of Gibraltar defected, fled to the Christian city of Tarifa, and converted. He informed the governor of Tarifa that Gibraltar was basically undefended. The governor was obviously skeptical, but sent a small force to observe and confirm the claims. But Tarifa didn’t have the men to retake the city itself, and therefore got help from Juan Alonso de Guzmán (son of Enrique, whose dead and beheaded body apparently still hung from the city walls after 20+ years). Juan (who had also taken part and led the forces in the siege where his father died) was ready to avenge his father and launched a land assault. After just two days of light fighting, the Moors surrendered. It was barely a siege at all and Juan probably didn’t get his fill of bloodlust like he wanted. He did get to properly bury his dad though. And thus the Christians re-took Gibraltar for a final time. It would never fall back into Moorish hands again. This one ranks near the top for its sweet revenge narrative. It also has a fantastic story about a defector flipping sides and informing. You could make an awesome movie about this one. Start it off in 1436 with Juan's dad dying on the beach and being cut up. Have the young actor playing Juan scream "NOOOOOO!!!!" Then flash forward. Get a distinguished, older actor to play Juan, hellbent on vengeance and seeing his dad's sun-dried, mummified corpse taken down off the walls. End with him burying dad. This is good shit, man. Somebody make this film now.


1. Fourteenth Siege (the "Great Siege of Gibraltar") (1779 to 1783)

Nice mushroom cloud. What the hell did they put in that cannon?!

The Fourteenth Siege, also known as the final or the “Great Siege of Gibraltar” was the longest and (probably) most famous of Gibraltar's sieges. Hence #1. By 1779, Spain had lost Gibraltar to the English over 70 years before, but now the Brits were caught up in the middle of the American Revolution. Busy taking care of those ornery Colonists who were doing dumb shit like throwing tea in harbors, the English were now susceptible to the advancements of their French and Spanish enemies.  Spain allied with France in 1779 with the hopes of taking back Gibraltar.  Realizing that their previous sieged by land had ended in failure, Spain knew they needed to attack with combined land and maritime forces for this go-around. They convinced (read: bribed) the Sultan of Morocco to stop trading with the English in Gibraltar (thus reducing their ability to resupply) and sent a force of 13000 men down. Beginning in the summer of 1780, the Spanish bombarded the hell out of the British fortifications by land and sea. The bombardment was fairly consistent, but Spain’s naval blockade was less effective. Therefore, the Brits were able to occasionally sneak merchant vessels who could resupply them. This allowed the Brits to continue to hold on. And on. And on. All the way from 1779 to 1783.  The siege lasted for a few months under four years. It would have kept going for longer, militarily. However, politics intervened and ended the war. In 1783, Britain and Spain agreed to a land-swap deal where the Spanish would abandon their quest to retake Gibraltar in return for Britain giving up parts of Florida and Menorca (an island which the Brits claimed from Spain as a result of the 1713 Treaty of Utrecht where they also formally got Gibraltar). To this day, the Menorca-Gibraltar land swap still stands and the two remain Spanish and British, respectively. Florida, on the other hand… well.. maybe the US wouldn’t be so bad off if it just gave it back to Spain.

~~~~~~~~~~

Final Tallies! 

~~~~~~~~~~

Christian vs. Muslim Sieges (7)

Muslims 4 - Christians 3

Muslim vs. Muslim Sieges (1)

Grenada Moors 1 - Fez Moors 0

Sieges Based on Spanish Nobles Squabbling like Petty Bitches (2)

Spanish Crown 1 - De Guzmán Family 1 (tie)

Catholic vs. Protestant Sieges (4) 

Protestants 4 - Catholics 0

Ed Ranks Lunar Maria by Name

"Luna Maria" are the large, dark regions on the surface of the moon. "Maria" is Latin for "sea," because early astronomers thought they were actually seas or oceans. They are not. They are simply plains that are less reflective than "highland" areas on the moon which appear more white. Despite the inaccuracy of the Latin word, the term "maria" persists. There are 23 of these Luna Maria, some of them with cool names and some of them with stupid names.

I'm going to rank them by their names in English, rather than their names in Latin. Because this is a blog. I don't get any high school credit for using a dead language here. Just recognize that the famous Apollo 11 moon landing site that we know as "The Sea of Tranquility" is officially known as "Mare Tranquillitatis." Meh.

23. Sea of Alexander von Humboldt - Wow, way to name-drop. Nobody cares if you have your own sea moon, Alex.

22. Sea of William Henry Smyth - Same as above. You're still not a famous household name like Galileo, even if you have a part of the moon named after you. When Queen mentions you in a song, then I'll care.

21. Sea of Muscovy - "Muscovy" is an irritating word that annoys me. I know it has something to do with old time Moscow, but it just sounds like "musk" and makes me think of glandular secretions from mammals. No thanks.

20. Eastern Sea - Well this is boring and nobody put any thought into it. And how so we even know which way is east and west on the moon?  Does the moon have magnetic poles too? Honestly, I'm asking. I have no idea. Please, somebody tell me. And is this east from our perspective looking at it from the Earth, or from the perspective of on the moon? Because wouldn't those be opposite? How messed up would it be if we lived on the moon in the future and the Eastern Sea was to the west? They'd have to rename it. Actually, they should. Let's just do this now. They can name it after me, since I made the suggestion. I have no idea who "they" are, by the way. You know, the people in charge of moon names. Those people.

AKA "Mare Australe," which is full of space kangaroos.

19. Southern Sea - As above. Lazy.

18. Sea of Waves - If somebody named a sea on Earth this, they would be fired from their sea-naming job. Really? From the creators of "Water of Wet" and "Beard of Hair" comes "Sea of Waves!"

17.  Sea of Moisture - What? Again with the dumb? These people are just picking the stupidest names and translating them into Latin. When someone says "Mare Humorum" everyone gets impressed like some thought was put into it. Those people are all a bunch of stulti amentes procreantur.

16. Foaming Sea - Really? Did the astronomers actually see foamy waves in their telescopes? Did they? Or were they making that up. Considering that it's a flat plain and not an actual body of water, I bet they made up the foam.

15. Sea of Showers - It doesn't even rain here all the time, which is a big letdown.

14. Sea of Islands - This is a light step in the right direction over the other names, but they're still not going to win any lunar feature naming awards like those champions who named the Lacus Odii (Lake of Hatred).

13. Sea of Cold - When sunlight hits the moon's surface, the temperature can reach 260 degrees Fahrenheit (127 degrees Celsius). When the sun goes down, temperatures can dip to minus 280 F (minus 173 C). So yeah, this is sometimes right. But it's also right for almost everywhere else on the moon too.

12. Sea of Clouds - Fun fact, a sea of clouds is also known as "clouds."

11. Sea of Vapors - This sea was discovered by a dainty, southern belle who fanned herself with her handkerchief and fainted after discovering it.

10. Sea of Nectar - Not a nice place to visit. Probably full of insects. SPACE INSECTS! OOoooOoo!

9. Sea of Cleverness - This sounds like somewhere Odysseus might have sailed when he spent a decade trying to avoid seeing his wife again. Come on, you don't really think it took this guy ten whole years to get home, do you? If he wanted to get home, he could have done it a lot faster than that.

8. Sea of Serenity - How is this name any different from the Sea of Tranquility?

7. Sea of Tranquility - How is this name any different from the Sea of Serenity?

6. Sea of the Edge - Bono is still angry to this day that his lead guitarist gets a part of the moon named after him, while he has to stick to selling stuff with red on it.

5. Sea of Fecundity - Haha, I have no idea what "Fecundity" means, but I am loving this word! Look it up? No. I do not wish to do so. 

This Ocean of Storms looks fairly un-stormy.

4. Ocean of Storms - Ooh, this one is named "Ocean" rather than "Sea," and yet is still classified as a maria. Sweet name too. OCEAN OF STORMS! If I were creating a map for a fantasy world, I would definitely name one of my bodies of water with this, complete with little cute graphics of lightning bolts and sea dragons. No kraken though. Let's not get carried away. The seas dragon is enough to get the point across that this is dangerous sailin'. 

3. Sea of Crisis - What a badass name. But I'd like to know what kind of deep stuff was going on in the life of the person who named this one. I'm sorry that someone hurt you.

2. Serpent Sea - Nice. Good name for a moon object, particularly if it looks sort of snake-ey. Which, I assume, this object does. If it doesn't, then I rescind this ranking and lower it.

1. Sea that has Become Known - How cryptic and awesome is this? On the one hand, it's a super stupid name. They didn't know about it. Then they discovered it. So what did they name it? "Sea that has Become Known." Because now they know about it. Yet if you say it in a foreboding voice, it sounds like some sort of malevolent area of terror and darkness where Moon Beasts live and swallow astronauts whole. Which is exactly what happened to the guys on the Apollo 18 mission. "What's that?", you say. "There was no Apollo 18 mission, Ed." Yeah, that's what NASA wants you to think. They don't want you to know about the Moon Beasts.