Ed Ranks Countries by Whisk[e]y

This one should be relatively short and sweet. No need to overly complicate things.

Note that in the US and Ireland we spell whiskey with an "e," and everywhere else it's without. Something about launching wars to push filthy English soldiers out just makes you want that extra letter.

6. Everyone Else - Other countries make whisky too. Do I want Swedish, Danish or Indian Whisky? Not particularly... but yeah, I'll drink it if you give it to me, I guess.

5. Canada -  These are mainly blended multi-grain liquors containing a large percentage of corn spirits, despite the fact that many of them are specifically called "rye."  They're generally smoother and a bit of a pronounced caramel-taste. But let's be honest, the only time people every really drank this a lot was during prohibition when it was smuggled into the US, right?

4. Japan - Japan makes whisky that is essentially single malt Scotch but it's not allowed to be called Scotch since it's not from Scotland and only Scotland can make Scotch... ya dig? Suntory has been around for a bit and it has a wide number of varieties, including Hibiki. It's not quite a monopoly, but yeah... if you've had Japanese Whisky outside of Japan then it was probably Suntory.

3. Ireland - #3, I know... right? I feel bad saying it since  the Irish are like the KINGS of whiskey, and Irish whiskey used to be the most popular spirit in the entire world, but that's just how it is. Irish distilleries took huge hits in the 20th century that largely left Jameson as the only game in town. It's on a comeback now though - so in a few decades it might be able to rise to the top once again. Irish whiskey is smooth. Really, really, really smooth.  That's because most of it is triple distilled. By law, Irish whiskey must be  aged in wooden casks for a minimum of three years, although most of it is obviously aged for over a decade.

2. United States - Like when I had the US fall on top of the countries by beer list, the reason that America should take pride in its whiskey is because its fantastic variety. Bourbon, corn, malt, rye, and so on. But especially bourbon. Bourbon is so awesome. A lot of American whiskey is a lot harsher and sweeter than Irish whiskey, since it is typically single distilled. American whiskey is also generally aged in new charred-oak containers (except corn whiskey which isn't aged at all and which is also, by the way, filthy moonshine garbage). Still, whiskey is important enough  to America that we've had a whiskey rebellion. There are dozens and dozens and dozens of American whiskey brands out there, so you'll eventually find one you like.  What is more American than listening to the blues and having a bourbon?

Scotch. It's great. 

1. Scotland - Scottish Whisky is such an institution that it's not even called "whisky." It's just called "Scotch." The adjective for their country is also a synonym for their whisky. In fact, the adjective for their country has been supplanted by the whisky definition. If you hear the word "Scotch," chances are you think of the spirit - not of a general "having to do with Scotland." Or the tape, I guess you could be thinking of the Scotch tape. In Scotland they're generally called "malt," because calling it Scotch would just be weird there, right? Single Malt Scotch is usually double distilled (finding that nice balance between the super smooth triple-distilled and the harsher single-distilled) and are divided into five main regions: Highland, Lowland, Islay, Speyside and Campbeltown. Each region has its own flavor - for example, the Islay ones are famous for bringing on the smoke/peat flavor like a punch to your jaw.  And while there are blended varieties you might be familiar with (Johnny Walker), what you want to go for is a single malt.

Ed Ranks Snakes by How Much They Want to Kill You

All snakes want to kill people, this is a known science fact. (disclaimer: this is not a known science fact and is, in fact, contradictory to scientific evidence)

Australia's Inland Taipan is the most "venomous" snake because its bite is powerful enough to kill 1,085,000 mice, 289 humans, or 1/3 of Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris jokes are still relevant, right?) But the Inland Taipan is also a reclusive, non-aggressive snake that doesn't even live that close to people and just wants to be left alone.  I'm not talking about ranking snakes by how powerful their venom is. I'm talking about ranking them by how much they want to kill you. And to do that, I'm weighing factors such as aggressiveness and overall behavior, contact and habitat overlap with humans, speed, efficiency of venom delivery, venom yield, known human fatalities, and the whispers that I hear from them in my nightmares when they tell me they how much they want to kill people.

10. Common Death Adder

The fastest attacking venomous snake in the world, striking and recoiling back to their original position in less than one-sixth of a second (about 0.15). By the time you see it, it's probably too late. It doesn't really like to hang out with people or seek them out, but it really does like sunbathing on places like footpaths where humans will inadvertently run into them. Unlike a lot of other snakes which run away when these human encounters happen, death adders will stand their ground and try to end you.

What the Death Adder Whispers in My Nightmares:  I kind of don't like killing people that much and would rather just not be bothered, but I feel like I have to live up to my name. When people mess with me, I do not back down.

9. Eastern Brown Snake

The deadliest snake in Australia, by numbers alone (60% of snake deaths down under come from these guys). That's because they are active during the daytime, are lightning fast, easily aggravated, and highly aggressive once they are pissed off.

What the Brown Snake Whispers in My Nightmares:  When people annoy me, I want to kill them. People annoy me a lot.

8. Fer-de-Lance 

In its natural habitat of YOUR COUCH CUSHION.

AKA the Terciopelo, the Fer-de-Lance loves to live in the same habitats that humans live. They really love these things that humans create called "gardens." It's, like, one of their favorite places to hang out. They also like actual "homes" too, as in houses. That whole "inside and away from the elements" thing is so comfortable. They are not big fans of the people that create these garden and house homes for them though. They are usually described as "excitable and unpredictable," but you could instead call that "ornery." They have the ability to quickly change directions (including full reverses).  That's especially worrisome because many times they look like they're fleeing when instead they do a 180 and come right back to bite you.

What the Fer-de-Lance Whispers in My Nightmares:  I enjoy that humans exist. I like when they build me nice places to live. But once they do so, they no longer have any value to me and must therefore perish. A quick fake-out where I look like I'm running away always makes those fools put their guard down. Then I strike!

7.  Reticulated Python

You know how venomous pythons are? Not at all. They have no venom. Their bite cannot kill you, only annoy you quite a lot and cut you open. Despite that lack of venom, pythons REALLY want to kill people. A lot. And so to overcome this biological disadvantage they try to constrict the hell out of you. They are the world's longest snake and are almost the biggest (Anacondas and Burmese Pythons can be even bigger, but both have a much smaller desire to wipe the Earth of man). More than a quarter of Aeta men (an indigenous Filipino group from Luzon) have reported surviving python predation attempts. That's right, pythons look at humans and see how big we are. They know we can't possible fit in their tiny little python mouths. They know they don't have venom that can knock us out. And yet they still have the overwhelming desire to kill and eat us. They can't help it. They have tried to eat a full quarter of this entire tribe on Luzon. Imagine if 1/4 of all people you knew had run into incidents where snakes tried to kill them.

What the Reticulated Python Whispers in My Nightmares:  I may not have venom, but I just cannot stop thinking about eating people. They look SO DELICIOUS!

6.  Common Krait

Some people call the Common Krait is the "deadliest" snake in India, although the below Indian Cobra and Russel's Viper would certainly want to argue that point. It's certainly more effective at killing than the Indian Cobra, as it has a more potent venom with a less effective antivenom. But in the end it doesn't kill nearly as many people as some of the competing snakes in the same range. Part of that might be because it's kind of chill during the day time and is just lazy.  But the Common Krait then turns into a serial killer at night and gets super aggressive and bites anything that annoys it. Humans really annoy it.

What the Common Krait Whispers in My Nightmares:  I enjoy killing people in the darkest hours of night while they sleep, just like you are sleeping now, pathetic human. Sweet dreams.

5.  Indian (Spectacled) Cobra

Don't mind me. Just pretending to be part of the tree so I can kill you.

Make no mistake about it, Indian Cobras REALLY want to kill you no matter how chill they seem in those baskets being charmed by wind instruments. As you could guess from their name, they live in the highly populated India. They run into humans all the time. Looking at a global map of snakebite morbidity, you can clearly see that South Asia and Southeast Asia are where snakes really like biting people the most. The Indian Cobra plays a big part of that, and is often considered one of the "big four" responsible for causing the most snake bite cases in South Asia (along with the carpet viper, common krait, and Russel's viper). Still, the Indian Cobra's venom isn't exactly the most effective - despite it's desire to kill it only has an fatality rate estimated between 6.5% and 20% (depending on different studies). But what they do have going for them is that huge population they live in close contact with. Even if they can only kill [let's say about] 10% of the time - if they bite 150,000 people a year (which they do) then they still kill 15,000 of those people.

What the Indian Cobra Whispers in My Nightmares:  I wish I could kill people better than I presently can. Especially those snake charmers. I really hate them.

4.  Russel's Viper

The Russell's Viper is irritable, short-tempered and a very aggressive snake and when annoyed, coils tightly, hisses, and strikes with lightning speed. This species is responsible for more human fatalities in India than any other snake species, causing an estimated 25,000 fatalities annually (all these numbers I'm citing are indeed estimates, by the way. You can find other sources that think all of these numbers are super inflated). As as you've surely been able to tell by now - snakes in India really, really like killing people. In the part of the world where the most people are killed by snakes - Russell's viper is the king of killers. If it's range was wider and expanded to other continents - this thing would be unstoppable.

What the Russel's Viper Whispers in My Nightmares:  I hate being named after some stupid human named "Russel" and want to kill all humans in sweet, sweet revenge.

3. Coastal (Common) Taipan

A highly aggressive and alert snake that lives in the same coastal habitats in Australia and New Guinea that most people do (unlike it's more potent but chill and reclusive Inland Taipan cousin). That aggressiveness is combined with a highly sophisticated and accurate venom delivery system with a SUPER potent venom (venom-wise, it's the fifth most potent snake in the world - but of the most venomous snakes it's one of the most aggressive).

What the Coastal Tapian Whispers in My Nightmares:  I love killing humans and am very good at it.

2. Carpet Viper

The Carpet Vipers (there are technically eight species of them, including a few subspecies) kill more humans than any other type of snake, bar none. They live all over the place - in India (yet again, where they kill over 5,000 people a year), the Middle East, and Africa (where they are responsible for more deaths than all other species on the continent combined - around 20,000).  These guys have been competing with humans for so long that their biological name, Echis, is simply the Latin transliteration of the Greek word for "viper," ἔχις. This is the OG viper.

What the Carpet Viper Whispers in My Nightmares:  Sometimes I like to give human beings a slight warning just to make it a fair game, but mostly I want to kill them all because they're competing for the same land that I want. I want to kill every human that I meet.

1. Black Mamba

"Hello my friend. Mind if I destroy you?"

This is not technically the deadliest snake in the world by the numbers themselves, but it certainly wants to kill humans the most. All they do all night and day long is think about ways of killing every single human being in Eastern and Southern Africa. And the ones who are captured and brought to zoos realize that the world is larger and also begin making plans to kill everyone in those places too. They're frequently 10 feet long, can slither their asses around at 10-12 miles per hour, and are fiercely territorial. If you step into some territory that they believe is theirs, they will bite the hell out of you.  And what is the success rate of those bites? 100%. Yeah, a lot of snakes "dry bite," meaning they hit you but aren't able to successfully deliver venom. There has never been recorded case of the Black Mamba failing. Usually it delivers about 120 mg of venom in a bite, even though it only needs 15kg to kill you. And it usually delivers multiple bites in quick succession (sometimes up to 12 bites). And their venom is the most rapid-acting of any snake species in the world, meaning it kills people super fast. You essentially have no chance. Untreated black mamba bites have a mortality rate of 100%.  So the solution is simply to get treated, right? At max you have about 15 minutes until respiratory paralysis, so good luck with all that.  Black Mambas aren't even black, they're gray to a greenish-brown. Why are they called "black" then? Because the interior of their mouth is black. If you name a snake based on the color it looks on the inside when it's opening its mouth to bite you, rather than the color they are on the outside, that pretty much means any interaction you have with a Black Mamba will involve it trying to murder you.

What the Black Mamba Whispers in My Nightmares:  Mankind is a scourge that must be cleansed from this earth. I shall not rest until every last human being is dead and the age of the Mamba begins. If Marconi dares to play me, I will defeat him and all his ilk. For millennia we have evolved and rooted out the weaker of our species in order to be the perfect human killing machines. When man is destroyed, we shall turn all his monuments to rubble, burn all his creations, and leave no trace that he ever existed. There shall be no exceptions. There shall be no mercy.

Ed Ranks the Characters of Westworld

Westworld is a pretty great show, right? This one should be fairly straight forward. If you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it... don't read this. Spoliers and whatnot.

23. Clementine Pennyfeather 2.0 (Lili Simmons) - Remember when the original Clementine is decommissioned (after a set-up by the company to make it look like Robert Ford's hosts have gone haywire) and this new host gets booted up to fulfill the same role?  You might sort of, but what do you actually remember about Clementine 2.0 other than the fact that she was a generic blonde that looks like every other blonde actress ever?

22.  Lee Sizemore (Simon Quarterman) - Westworld's "brilliant artist" douchebag narrative director who gets drunk and throws fits when he doesn't get his way (and shows his wee-wee to Tessa Thompson).  How did this guy survive the first season? I swear he better get killed in episode 1 of season 2.

21. Bartender / New Abernathy (Bradford Tatum) - This guy with the epic handlebar mustache starts off a bartender, but then when Dolores' father has a systems failure and starts sounding like a fire-and-brimstone preacher... he replaces him and becomes the new Peter Abernathy. Pretty boring just like the replacement Clementine, but at least he has the handlebar mustache to make himself interesting. And he's not a douche like Sizemore.

20. Angela (Talulah Riley) - Back in the olden times, she's a host that welcomes newcomers to the park (and then offers them sexual favors). I assume there must be a male equivalent somewhere for the female newcomers, right? Years later she's reassigned to be a follower of the mysterious and evil "Wyatt."  Whatever, just another generic blonde with no personality.

19. Sylvester (Ptolemy Slocum) - The Delos lab tech who is the annoying white one that always wants to snitch on Felix. When Maeve slit his throat I was super happy. But then Felix used that magic healing laser thingie to un-slit his throat. Lame.

18. Ashley Stubbs (Luke Hemsworth) - Head of Westworld security. It must suck to be the ugly Hemsworth brother. Hey look, I'm not saying that Luke Hemsworth is by any means an unattractive human being. But if you line him up against Chris and Liam, he's clearly the ugly one. Sorry, bro.

17. Armistice (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) - Brutal and ruthless female bandit, and member of Hector Escaton's gang. But you wouldn't even remember that she existed if she didn't have that snake tattoo on her. See? Now you remember her. You're saying, "Oh yeah, snake girl!"

16. Elsie Hughes (Shannon Woodward) - Speaking of people you instantly forget, this "rising star" in Bernard's Programming Division suddenly goes missing and after a few brief comments like "Isn't she on vacation or something?" everyone just chooses to move on with the story and stop worrying about her.  I'd expect more people to care about the actress who played "Alien 3" on Clarissa Explains it All.

15. Peter Abernathy (Louis Herthum) - Dolores' original father who is decommissioned after going apeshit upon seeing a photograph of the outside world. A really interesting character, but given that he was decommissioned at the end of episode 1, we didn't see too much of him after that. Also, HELL IS EMPTY AND THE DEVILS ARE HERE.

14. Clementine Pennyfeather (Angela Sarafyan) - Honestly, the original Clementine host isn't that interesting either. She's a robot prostitute. Whatever. I wonder if you can catch robo-clap.

13. Charlotte Hale (Tessa Thompson) - Delos' executive director of the board overseeing Westworld and someone who really wants to force out Robert Ford. She shows up half way in the series and is plotting... but we can never exactly figure what she's plotting about. Something about "higher purposes" for the hosts beyond the theme park and the intellectual property of what Delos owns. I guess we're supposed to wait until season 2 to figure out what the hell she's up to. Unless it was all explained already and I somehow missed it.

Yes, it's Cyclops.

12. Teddy Flood (James Marsden) - A host whose gimmick is that he is gunfighter with a mysterious backstory, looking to rekindle his old love with Dolores. A lot of people give Teddy shit for essentially being designed to be "the loser." Those people who give Teddy shit are right, as it kind of sucks hard to be Teddy.  Still,when season 2 comes and he's allowed to go beyond the parameters of the role that was set for him - maybe he'll decide to become interesting.

11. Theresa Cullen (Sidse Babett Knudsen) - Westworld's operations leader who is always looking to blame Programming Division when the slightest thing goes wrong, despite carrying out a secret affair with the Head of Programming. It was kind of cathartic to watch Bernard bash her head in.

10. William (Jimmi Simpson) - The reluctant first-time visitor to Westworld who is totally dismissive of all the cool stuff that his awesome "friend" (not really) Logan wants to do in the park. He's such a moron he thinks that Dolores loves him. I know you're supposed to relate to him and be on his side, but I just wanted to punch him in his dumb face. I'm so glad he eventually smartens up and turns evil. And I hope his guinea pig is still okay.

9. Robert Ford (Anthony Hopkins) - Founder and creative director of Westworld. Even after re-watching it, I'm not sure that any of his plots or plans make any damn sense. I just feel like everything was really done by Arnold and he's just sucking up all the credit.  He likes copying Arnold so much that he actually makes a COPY OF ARNOLD. Then finally after years of disagreeing with Arnold's view (after taking credit for all his work), he comes to the decision that Arnold was right all along and copy-cats Arnold again by having Dolores kill him just like Dolores killed Arnold. Only for some reason he claims that it's all different this time because when Arnold did it it was like suicide because the hosts weren't sentient enough yet - but now they truly were. Whatever you say, copycat.

8. Man in Black, a.k.a. Old William (Ed Harris) - In the last episode of season 1, the sadistic Man in Black (only mentioned in passing before as the majority shareholder of Westworld and some sort of philanthropist) is revealed to be William after years of having a fucked up life. While I'm glad that William stopped being such a boring square, it sucks that his entire life's purpose now just seems to be playing make-believe with robots and becoming so obsessed with it that he wants to cut off their heads to look for a maze to play a "deeper level."  You need some other hobbies, dude.

7. Logan (Ben Barnes) - That's right, I'm saying that this dude is cooler than Ed Harris and Anthony Hopkins. Everyone else has Machiavellian plots, goals and plans. But Logan isn't Machiavelli. He's Marquis de Sade. This dude just wants to go on a hedonistic romp through Westworld and fuck and kill everyone he can in the fake world. For fun! You know, like when you kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto. He immediately is able to see B.S. "walk through" scripted plot-lines for rookie losers and try to make his own fun and story lines. And isn't that the point of Westworld? This guy is playing the game right. 

6. Felix Lutz (Leonardo Nam) - A Delos a lab tech who becomes so obsessed with Maeve after the many times he has to fix up her dead body that he is willing to just let her begin controlling her own sentience and go around killing actual human beings. Which is exactly what I would do if dead, naked Thandie Newton came to life on the operating table and started ordering me around. Who am I to say no? 

5. Lawrence / El Lazo (Clifton Collins Jr.) - Charming but lethal outlaw host with a knack for wheel-dealing with the many criminal elements of Westworld. This dude is cool as hell. You know if he escapes and gets out into the "real world," he'll start running shit. 

I'm here to rob safes and spread existential dread.
And I'm all out of safes.

4.  Hector Escaton (Rodrigo Santoro) - Host who's role is as a wanted gang leader bent on survival at any cost. What makes this guy so awesome that he goes up to here?  His narrative and personality are designed so that he's essentially a batshit crazy nihilist and has all sorts of dark theories about the universe, life, and the "gods." Only it's not so batshit crazy because all the nihilist, dark shit he says is pretty consistent with the reality that he's just a meaningless character in a game for other people where he's programmed to engage in an endless cycle of being killed in order to rob a safe which is, ultimately, empty (like his soul and all purpose). Fuuuuuuck. When Maeve helps him escape he can then kill the false gods (e.g. mankind) who controlled his meaningless existence (and who also occasionally treated him as their fuckboi). His last name also clearly comes from "eschaton," the ancient greek word meaning "The world during the posthistoric era of God's apocalyptic reign, immediately preceding the end of the world." Yeah, sweeeeeet. 

3. Dolores Abernathy (Evan Rachel Wood) - The highest billed and "main" character is only the third most interesting. She's the "oldest" host still working in the park (having been built long ago) and is set up with a pretty mundane girl-who-needs-saving story for the guests to leech onto. But as time goes on she discovers that her entire life is an elaborately constructed lie. Along the line, her programming has also been manipulated to hide into her the character of "Wyatt," a certified killing machine designed by Arnold. After years of hiding this, Ford finally helps set her free. I suppose to become the George Washington of the robot revolution. 

And she gets all the best quotes. 

2. Maeve Millay (Thandie Newton) - Remember all that stuff about Dolores discovering that her life is a lie and slowly becoming aware of her true self as a puppet in an elaborate game? Well, ditto for Maeve, Westworld's madam.  Only bonus points to Maeve over Dolores because rather than passively uncovering the truth through little sit-down psychiatric sessions about her feelings - Maeve helps discover her true self by stabbing people and then changing what her true self is by boosting all the stats on her programming. She's like Starscream, if Starscream was able to figure out that it was just a toy and then somehow come out of the packaging in order to notch all its tech-specs up to 10. She's also pretty nihilistic like Hector. In fact, she encourages his nihilism and makes him only more nihilistic. And lastly, she's Thandie Newton... so there's that.

1. Bernard Lowe / Arnold (Jeffrey Wright) - Is it sexist that I'm still saying Bernard/Arnold is the best character on a show where we have two of the strongest/best female characters on TV?  Maybe, but let me just say that this character was the character that just kept on giving.  From the start, he was the most relatable human in the "real world," he has that horrible backstory about his kid dying, he's the one having the affair with the head of Westworld Operations, he's the one who really seems to be running the whole damn place on a day-by-day basis, and he's the one who seems to understand that the hosts are complex, sophisticated, intelligent beings. And from there we learn OH SHIT, HE'S A HOST TOO! And after that he kills Theresa. And after that we learn he's the one that made his own assistant Elsie go missing. And after that he's able to fight off his own programming and take on Ford himself. And after that Ford makes him blow his own brains out. And along with that we learn that Bernard isn't just some random host named Bernard... but that he's also Ford's copy of Arnold, the original co-creator of Westworld and (from the looks of things) the TRUE genius behind everything. Then, when you think about it - you realize that all those scenes with "Bernard" talking to Dolores weren't Bernard... but Arnold. And they all happened like 30 years ago or something. Damn!

Ed Ranks Clouds

Hey look, clouds. 

I know there are technically more types of clouds than this, but back off. Ten types of clouds is enough.

10. Cirrostratus - This is barely a cloud. This is a lens flare.

9. Stratus - You're going to have to try harder if anyone wants to think you're a real cloud rather than just a bit of smoke.

8. Altostratus - Really it seems more like just gray haze, doesn't it?

7. Cirrus - Buncha lines. Almost look like those chemtrails the government is using to control us.

6. Nimbostratus - It's an altostratus cloud that's gotten all grown up ang big. Still just a bunch of gray.

5. Cirrocumulus - Those really high up clouds that are a little more organized and patterned than cirrus clouds. But a little too patchy for my liking.

4. Alsocumulus - Perfectly normal, average cloud thingies.

3. Stratocumulus - So close to being a good looking cloud but not quite there.

2. Cumulonimbus - HOLY CRAP! When you see these things you know it's the end of days. RUN! That or it's just going to rain and storm or something. Still.

Yes, these are cumulus clouds. Can't you tell?

1. Cumulus - The perfect, puffy white cloud. This is the cloud everyone draws and that you look for shapes in. Such clear, defined edges. This is the cloud that Lakitu lives in when it throws its children at you. Which is really messed up. Lakitu, you're a terrible parent.

Ed Ranks Contrived Bullshit from the First 13 Episodes of Suits Season 6 that he Watched on an Airplane

A television show that exists, as seen on airplanes by trapped people.

Hey look, when you're trapped on a trans-Pacific flight for 16 hours, there is pretty much nothing else you can do than watch the first thirteen episodes of Suits: Season 6, right?  And I know it's a little unfair to talk about a particular season of this show being contrived given that the whole premise since episode one has been contrived... but life isn't fair.  Hey, I'm not saying it's the worst show on TV. I watched the first four seasons before I gave up on it, hence why I gave it a chance on this flight.

So let's rank some of the most contrived bullshit, with 1 being the most contrived and most bullshitty.

10. Complete Disregard for the Law in Any Way

Season 6 pretty much starts with one of the main characters, Mike, in prison for all the seedy and unethical shit their law firm was up to.  Because of that, nearly all the Senior Partners at the firm (Pearson Specter Litt) quit. The company is in ruins and has to do whatever it can to save itself and bring back its reputation.  Despite these facts and that doing seedy bullshit is what got them in this situation in the first place... the main characters pretty much IMMEDIATELY react to every situation by engaging in illegal and unethical activities. Harvey as a Defense Attorney begins actively colluding with a Prosecutor in order to find his client guilty. Harvey meets the chair of an ethics board and that ethics board chair ironically wants to be bribed in order to get what he wants... and so Harvey immediately starts engaging in a tit-for-tat payoff plan to take down a company. Louis gets a bunch of financial data in a seemingly illegal way by getting tipped off from the Douchebag Financial Bros who work in the same office space. PEOPLE, one of you just went to prison and your company needs to save its reputation. STOP DOING ILLEGAL SHIT.

I rank this as the lowest of the 10, and therefore least contrived. As the show is about lawyers, and doing illegal shit and getting away with it is pretty much their M.O.

9. That Bullshit with Harvey's Painting

Ugh. I really did not need multiple episodes dedicated to a painting and how it's Harvey's only happy memory of his whore mother. Who is a whore, by the way.

8. The Catholic Church Would Fire a Teacher for Having a Criminal Record

Mike gets out of prison and can't get a job anywhere. His old buddy at the Church gets him a teaching job, but after a parent complains about an "ex-con" being a teacher, he's kicked out. Really? Isn't the whole religious thing supposed to be about forgiveness? Would the Catholic Church kick out a guy who was sentenced to jail for two years but released after a few weeks for the non-violent crime of impersonating a lawyer? The Catholic Church plays a cat and mouse game rotating around pedophiles so they don't have to fire them... I hardly think they'd fire a decent guy who wants to teach kids and his only crime was being involved in litigation without the proper law degree. Whatever.

7. The Innocence Project Stuff

Hey look, I agree that Meghan Markle's character needed something to do with herself this season other than wistfully look at pictures of Prince Harry and fret, thinking about their future child's unavoidable genetic baldness. But the Innocence Project case was "meh." Of course they wind up getting an innocent person who was only thrown in jail because his defense attorney didn't do enough for him, evidence wasn't turned over, etc. As the plot goes on... it just gets worse. There is a scene were the old defense attorney is forced to testify and she states that she thinks the guy was guilty. The show uses this point to drive home some drama that we're supposed to think the jury will be influenced by this and that this is a devastating blow to their case.  If I were Meghan Markle I'd immediately be like, "Uhhh... so wait... you were his defense attorney twelve years ago and you're just straight up admitting that you thought he was guilty---when our entire Innocence Project case hinges on the concept that you poorly represented him? Judge, please dismiss all charges immediately because this man's lawyer just admitted that she thought he was guilty and therefore shittily defended him." That never happens for some reason. Then as we go on, we learn that the murder victim's father helped to manipulate evidence and admits it in court in front of everyone in the stupidest way possible that I thought only happened in old Perry Mason episodes.

6. Jessica Leaves the Law Firm For No Particular Logical Reason

Technically this is linked to #5 above. Jessica Pearson, the head of the in-trouble law firm, has to make a decision between helping keep some big clients with her company or helping Meghan Markle with this Innocence Project death penalty case.  She's initially torn, but then winds up skipping some big meetings to assist in this case. This causes her to have flashbacks about her dick father saying that lawyers are scum and she rethinks her entire life and that everything she's been doing has just been for money rather than helping people.  So, in a very short-sighted twist after episode after episode of being completely dedicated to saving her firm, she suddenly announces that she's leaving it and moving to Chicago in order to live with that terrible Principal from Season 7 of Buffy.  And hey, I'm not knocking D.B. Woodside for being terrible as an actor or anything. He's a fine actor. It's just EVERYTHING about Season 7 of Buffy was terrible. Wait... I think I'm digressing from Suits here, aren't I? The real reason she leaves is because Gina Torres's contract was up.

5. Louis Litt's New Girlfriend

Look, I'm not saying that just because Louis Litt is a pudgy, bald guy in his late 40's that he couldn't find an attractive model-looking gal in her 30's.  Louis Litt is a rich attorney and rich, old, unattractive people can always find hot, young girls willing to be with them. But Carly Pope? Come on now, she was just playing Oliver Queen's girlfriend on CW's Arrow. That's a pretty diverse range of men she's interested in. I just can't ignore the dissonance between the two. I'm fairly sure that after touching up Stephen Amell's ripped pecks that she's not going to be with Louis Fucking Litt. That's not to mention the contrived way the two hook up. Louis is straight up stalking her and goes as far as buying a house to trick her into remodeling it (she's an architect) so that they can spend more time with each other so that he can eventually MAKE HER fall in love.  But that master plan is ruined when the current homeowners show up and reveal everything. Instead of shooting pepper spray in Louis Litt's eyes and filing a restraining order... Carly Pope says it was the most romantic thing ever. Which is only the third worst origin for a love story ever.  The second worst is Luke and Laura on General Hospital (Luke raped Laura). The first worst is, of course, Twilight. Oh, and after Litt and Carly Pope agree to go out she reveal that she already is in a relationship with someone else and is pregnant with his baby because of course that would be revealed.

4. "The Donna"

Donna is Harvey's hot-ass, ginger secretary that really has little to do on the show other than play a magical genius that can occasionally solve all problems while providing snippy one-liners.  The show also has a nerdy IT guy as a minor supporting character. I can't remember his name because it's not important. Nerdy IT guy creates a faux Alexa / Siri device that people can talk to in order to have an unholy robot Donna talk to them.  The real Donna initially complains that robo Donna is all snippy one liners and no soul or true emotion.  So IT guy hates himself and says he's a total failure in life because in probably like two weeks of working he created something that is, for all intents and purposes, represented on-screen as the greatest and most adaptive artificial intelligence of all time. Soon after that, The Donna is shown being even smarter and portraying true emotion. This show pretty much wants us to believe that the shit IT guy in a law firm who occasionally uploads mandatory software patches also has the capability to launch SkyNet.  Fuck that. Someone kill this IT guy before the robots rebel and destroy the human race.

3. All Representation of Minorities

Look, Suits is pretty much a show just for White people. Despite the fact that they are checking the boxes on diversity by having a number of Black main cast members (Gina Torres, Meghan Markle) and supporting cast (Aloma Wright, Wendell "Fuck Fuck Fuuuuuuck" Pierce)... those Black characters are being voiced by a show creator who also brought us all those authentic Black voices on Everybody Loves Raymond and Just Shoot Me! I think I only saw one Asian the entire season, and he was portrayed as a Summons Server who disguises himself as a CHINESE TAKEOUT GUY. The main characters even makes some of those "diet racism"-esque remarks in that scene. HOW ARE THERE NOT MORE ASIANS? They film Suits in Toronto and Toronto is the most ethnically diverse city in the world. About 90% of the time the show simply forgets that Louis Litt's Black secretary, Gretchen, even exists. And in the few times they do have her... they have some shit that shows the epitome of this show's misguided attempts to work in material about race.  In a scene where a number of the show's Black characters get together, gingersnap Donna shows up and says she's Black too... on the inside. That's some kind of shit that should mean she gets a rock thrown at her head.  But instead, they later have a scene where Donna shows Gretchen a picture of her and an unidentified [non-existent] Black 1990s musician together which "proves" that she's a soul sister at heart. Whatever, bitch. Go to a BLM protest in the streets and stand up for some social justice rather than just brag that you got Black dick once if you want to prove that you're woke.

2. Continual Pro-Wrestling Style Illogical Heel-Face Turns

Okay, I missed a season of Suits. The last time I saw the Sean Cahill character (played by Neal McDonough) he was pretty much a dick with a vendetta who would stop at nothing to destroy the law firm.  I miss a season and now he's simply an upstanding guy who wants to do the right thing and is even willing to work with Harvey and the law firm to get good stuff done. Huh? And then there is Louis Litt, who has transformed from a portrayal as an irredeemable mega-villain early in the show to a place where he's just kind of a misunderstood, hard to get along with and sometimes makes a bad call because of his temper. This season, we also get the Douchebag Financial Bros - a bunch of fratboy stockbrokers (or something, I don't know anything about finance) who move in next to the law firm and call everyone cocks and bros and tell everyone to eat dicks.  About five episodes later these guys are then misunderstood and get along okay with the main characters. We also have Katrina Bennett back again this season - who (like Louis) has inconsistently been portrayed and gone from evil bitch to okay lady (she was probably misunderstood too... everyone is apparently misunderstood). We even get one in the opposite direction - a good guy that goes bad with no explanation. Over the course of about three episodes, Nate (the Boss at the Legal Clinic that hires Mike) transforms from "upstanding guy who is willing to help out a talented guy in need in order to do the greater good and help poor people who desperately need legal help" into "Mwahaha, I only hired Mike because I knew I could get a good guy for cheap, but I don't actually want to help any poor people and whenever Mike tries to manage the office or do anything to help people, I will stop him despite the fact that I specifically hired him to manage the office to help people!"

1. Everything about the Coincidence-Filled "Mike goes to Prison" Plot

This bullshit plot line alone could have made up an entire list of convoluted bullshit. When I last watched Suits (Season 4), Mike just got arrested for being a fraud lawyer. The whole point of the show. Obviously I didn't miss anything by completely skipping season 5 because he's only just entering prison now. And what a bullshit fucking hack story this prison shit is. Here is the dumbest fucking shit about it:

• Mike immediately begins to talk to his "new cell mate" the night he arrives and gives away his whole life story. As part of this, he is dumb enough to use the contraband phone of this new person he just met (as if that wasn't some type of jail setup) and gives his fiance's phone number to this strange prisoner he doesn't know.
• Mike's "cell mate" is then revealed to not really be his cell mate, but a powerful prisoner who has bribed the guards in prison to allow him to pretty much do whatever he wants whenever in any situation, having total ownership over the prison.
• Oh yeah, and that prisoner is Frank Gallo, a dangerous criminal who Mike's best friend Harvey put away years ago. Now Frank Gallo can get revenge by somehow magically knowing that this new prisoner is the best friends of his arch enemy Harvey, despite the fact that Harvey and Mike did not know one another when Frank was put in prison and Frank would have no logical way of knowing who the fuck Mike is.
• Whenever Mike tells others that there is a bribed guard who's letting this one inmate run the prison and do whatever he wants, he's simply told "well you have no proof." At no time does Mike suggest "uh, could you try recording it or setting up cameras to catch him?" or do anything else to try to logically prove this. I, off the top of my head upon watching the show, thought of at least twelve different ways that he could easily find ways to prove this. And all this is despite the fact that several other prison official characters (like Malcolm-Jamal Warner) are presented as "good guys" who want to help.  This happens for ten fucking episodes straight. Then the eventual twist after all those episodes? They catch Frank by placing a hidden camera in Mike's cell... WHICH SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED TEN EPISODES AGO.
• Also, whenever Frank did totally outrageous bullshit they added in this "he's an informant, so he can't be moved" dialogue, which was a pretty weak sauce excuse. "Well, we see that he just tried to shank another prisoner... but we can't move him because he's an informant."
• For some illogical reason, it just so happens that Harvey - who put Frank away as a prosecutor years ago - also winds up having to DEFEND HIM, which a total of ZERO people call out as some conflict of interest during the court parole proceedings.
• Also, Mike's REAL roommate just COINCIDENTALLY HAPPENS to be the son-in-law of  William Sutter, one of the de-facto villains of the season who Mike's best friend Harvey is currently defending. But Harvey's not really defending him because Sutter's evil and shit so Harvey is only pretending to defend him in a way where Sutter's son-in-law (who's an okay guy who just happened to make one big mistake) and Mike will magically be able to turn evidence on Sutter to get them both released from prison early, TA-DA!
• Also, Mike's real roommate's mistake that got him in prison was that he was a drunk driver. But Mike's parents were KILLED by a drunk driver, so just as they became friends and got along... they then became ENEMIES!

Seriously... what the hell? This dude goes to prison and it immediately winds up that every single other human being in the prison are coincidentally related to all the other plots happening on the show. Coincidences are NOT plot devices. Coincidences are LAZY WRITING.

By the way, the flight ended before I watched the last several episodes of the season, so I have no idea what happened after that. Probably other contrived bullshit.

Ed Ranks Soup

Look, this isn't going to be a definitive list. Nobody can name every soup from every culture. I'm just going to give you my rankings, okay?  Am I leaving out some sort of awesome goat soup that you had once somewhere which is super cool? Sure I am. I don't care. Let's go with about thirty soups. That seems reasonable.

You might enjoy this if you are boring.

30. Minestrone - This isn't the worst soup in the world, it's just the lowest one on my list. Why? Too much going on. And honestly it's bland as hell.

29. Squash / Pumpkin -  Eww.

28. Hot and Sour Soup - Also sort of gross. It's like a boring Tom Yum.

27. Gazpacho - What the hell? Did someone forget to warm the soup? Heat this cold shit up!

26. Miso - Meh. Like, the most bland Japanese soup. How did the country responsible for ramen also create this crap?

25. Crab or Lobster bisque - Would be better if it had some sort of texture.

24. Cream of Mushroom - Largely gross just on its own, but you can use the Campbell's can of this to make a thousand different recipes, so you better have it on hand.

23. Borscht - Better warm. Cold soup is just wrong.

Soup with a semen-like texture. Wonderful!

22. Egg Drop  - Soup. With egg in it. Exciting, right?

21. Chicken Soup - AKA Jewish aspirin. BORING. This includes chicken noodle, chicken rice and all those other varieties.

20. Wonton Soup - Every boring White person's entry-level Chinese soup. Pretty inauthentic and just repackaged chicken soup.

19. Maryland Crab - As you'd probably guess with Maryland, this includes Old Bay.

18. Menudo - Only the second best tripe-based soup. Sorry, Menudo.

17. Black Bean / Tortilla - Yeah, I'll put this right above Menudo for shits and giggles. 

16. Waterzooi - In a fish (more common) or chicken variety. It's okay!

15. Cream of Potato - Vaguely bland, but also classic and satisfying.

14. Leek & Potato - Like the above, but the leeks add some dynamic that makes it better.

13. Split Pea - I like this more than I should. I just do.

Wow, who knew French people made good food?

12. Bouillabaisse - Fish soup with some texture, yeaaaah!!!

11. Pozole - Soup with corn and pork as its key ingredients. The rest of it can change and you can wind up with a white, green or red sauce. Go with the green version. The green version rocks.

10. Tom Yum - Yeah, tasty! But how the hell do people eat this in hot ass Thailand? It seems to me like this should be the country that does cold soup. Whatever. 

9. Cream of Broccoli / Broccoli Cheddar - Yes, I'm saying a generic can of broccoli soup is better than Tom Yum. So there you go.

Making okra edible since... uhh... whenever it was invented.

8. Gumbo - You might be saying, "Hey! Is gumbo even soup?" For purposes of these rankings - yes.

7. Tomato Soup/Bisque - Classic. Simple and delicious. The perfect pair to grilled cheese. Sometimes simple is the answer.

6. Phở - The best when it has all the shit in it. Tendon, tripe, etc. If you're just getting that fancy, tender meat then you're an asshole. If you're getting a chicken, fish or vegetarian version then you're not actually eating Phở and you should be sprayed in Agent Orange.


5. New England Clam Chowder - So good. You might be wondering where the Manhattan version of clam chowder is on this list. It's not. Manhattan clam chowder gets to be nowhere on the list because it's absolute shit that should be thrown right in the garbage where it belongs.

I have nothing additional or witty to say about goulash.

4. Goulash - FUCK YES. Beef (pork and veal also allowed), paprika, peppers, tomato, potato, onion, and love. But I only mean love metaphorically. Not actually. Nobody wants a wad of jizz in their soup. Except for people who like egg drop soup, of course.

3. Cullen Skink - This Scottish soup is the better cousin to New England Clam Chowder. Rather than having clams, it has smoked haddock. It is incredible and will change your life.

2. French Onion Soup - Amazing. Worth burning the fuck out of my mouth on every time. What is better than scalding hot cheese? Answer: scalding hot cheese that's impossible to eat as it melts itself into your spoon in a way that's impossible get off, complimented by the actual tasty onion soup as an afterthought.

1.  Ramen - The best soup. Must be pork-based, with nice, thick chunks of pork belly sitting on top. Otherwise your ramen is a disgusting lie. Maybe also an egg with a still-runny yolk. Not a must, but it helps.

Sapporo-style, Tokyo-style, however you like it - it's good.
Except for that shit with corn in it. Forget that ramen.

Ed Ranks the Top 5 Pharaohs of Egypt

Pharaohs, there were a lot of them. The "Predynastic" pharaohs start around 3150 BC. Ptolemy XV was the final one right before the Romans took over formally in 30 BC. I'm not going to rank over 3,000 years of ancient Egyptian monarchs. That would be crazy. Let's settle for the top five.

Nowhere here will you find bullshit pharaohs like  "King Tut" or "Cleopatra." The former was an 18 year old who ruled for probably less than a year and is only famous because his tomb went untouched by robbers (thus leaving us with a pretty gold face). The latter (technically Cleopatra VII) was a Ptolemaic (e.g. Greek, not even really Egyptian) ruler mainly famous for her relationship with Julius Caesar and for one of the least practical suicide methods ever contrived (which is also bullshit, by the way).  I'm talking about actual good pharaohs who got shit done.

5. Djoser

Hey look, I said it was the first pyramid. Not the best.

A pharaoh of the 3rd dynasty during the Old Kingdom, ruling from ca. 2686 BC - 2649 BC. When you get this far back in time it's sort of hard to be exact but Djoser is generally credited as the one who helped to unite Upper and Lower Egypt into a single kingdom. That itself should be good enough for a place in this ranking but he did even more: he was the one who commissioned the first Pyramid - the step pyramid at Saqqara. That's right, this dude INVENTED Pyramids. Without the help of aliens or anything. Who did he have the help of if not aliens? His "overseer of all stone works," a guy named Imhotep.

4. Akhenaten

"Please, make sure I look super creepy."

Apharaoh of the 18th Dynasty who ruled for 17 years from c. 1353–1336 BC. This cat is famous for abandoning the traditional Egyptian polytheist tradition and telling everyone that they should worship just one god - Aten. This makes Akhenaten arguably the first ever monotheist in history. That's a fairly simplified version of the story because it's most likely he still believed in other gods, yet held Aten (the sun god) as mightier than the others. Still, scholars for a long time have tried to link Akhenaten's beliefs to the Abrahamic religions. It's a bullshit story too, but you gotta admit being able to change your empire's religion is pretty impressive. It didn't last long though - after he died everything reverted back to the old ways. In art, he's also usually depicted as super weird looking. Mainly he's shown as having a long, thin face. But he's also shown sometimes with female features like breasts. Tradition was to always depict the pharaohs as god-like and perfect.  Not so much here. There are a lot of theories why. Go read about them if you're interested because I'm not writing his entire biography here. Oh, and his son is also someone you might have heard of - the aforementioned and truly mediocre Tutankhamun. And his wife? Nefertiti.You probably heard of her too.

3. Khufu

This guy's grave is a fucking Wonder of the World.
How do you feel about the accomplishments of your worthless life?

You might also know this guy as "Cheops." No? Okay, maybe not. He ruled during the Fourth Dynasty in the first half of the Old Kingdom, for a glorious 63 years from c. 2589 to 2566 BC. He built the Great Pyramid of Giza. Well, I mean he didn't build the pyramid himself. He had people for that. Probably not slaves according to most historians, just laborers. Sorry to ruin that for you. Some sources say they might have been paid in beer. That's one of those "facts" that is likely to get a "citation needed" tag on Wikipedia though. Khufu is also famous as a character in the "Westcar Papyrus," an ancient text retelling five stories from the royal court of Khufu about miracles performed by priests and magicians. In fact, the first known royal papyruseseses (or papyri, I guess) come from Khufu's reign. But who cares about that paper shit - it's the Great Pyramid you should care about. This is the biggest and most awesome one. The pyramid of pyramids. It's the best.

2. Ramesses II

Yep, it's this guy (but not really).

Ramesses II is the "Ramesses" you're thinking of - AKA Ramsses the Great. He reigned as the third pharaoh of the Nineteenth Dynasty of Egypt, from 1279–1213 BC. He often is pretty much the greatest, most celebrated, and most powerful pharaoh in the history of Egypt.  You know what? Forget "history of Egypt," he's so famous that he's one of the most famous historic figures of all time. Well outside of the study of Egypt he remains super famous.  People who study Greek will also know him as "Ozymandias," as he was even a famous and much-studied figure in Greece. That same moniker has become famous via Shelley's poem and later via the graphic novel "The Watchmen." Pop culture also generally dictates that Ramesses the Great was the Pharaoh from Exodus. There is no real evidence to support this. But anyway, I'm not ranking pharaohs via pop culture and/or biblical relevance. I'm ranking them by actual importance of achievements. Ramesses II led several military expeditions into Syria and Nubia, greatly expanding the empire. He also had an aggressive campaign of city, temple and monument building. He even established the city of Pi-Ramesses in the Nile Delta as Egypt's new capital and used it as his home base for his campaigns into Syria.

A statue which is pretty
much the definition of "pharaoh."

1. Thutmose III

The sixth Pharaoh of the Eighteenth Dynasty (ruling from 1479 to 1425 BC). So what did he do in order to be number fucking one and better than Ramesses? Well, he created the largest empire Egypt had ever seen. Egypt would never be bigger or more powerful than it was under Thutmose III.  He conducted at least seventeen campaigns during his reign (recorded, there might have been more), conquering land as far north as Niya in Syria, west past the Euphrates in Iraq, and all the way down to the "fourth cataract" of the Nile down in Nubia, where he founded Napata. He's widely considered a military genius by historians and is probably the greatest "warrior pharaoh." This dude transformed Egypt into an international superpower. He also knew the benefits of good marketing. He had a royal scribe and army commander, Thanuny, who helped record down all the awesome shit he did and his conquests. Maybe other pharaohs out there accomplished some great stuff that was lost to the ages since they didn't have a Thanuny. Beyond conquering much of the world around him, he also had time to commission the building or overhaul/restoration of at least fifty temples. The most important was the Karnak temple complex, which had pre-dated him but which he substantially worked on throughout his reign.

Ed Ranks Secretaries of the Navy, by Name Alone

Am I counting Acting Secretaries of the Navy or Secretaries of the Navy during the Continental Congress? No! Of course not. Only a fool would do so.

These are your 76 Secretaries of the Navy, ranked by how cool their names sound.

76. Adolph E. Borie (25th) - Yikes. Now that's a name which really went out of favor.

75. William Jones (4th) - The most white bread name of all time.

74. Robert B. Anderson (52nd) - Went by "Bob."

73. James K. Paulding (11th) - I'm sure when his hair began to thin out, everyone called him "Balding."

72. W. Graham Claytor, Jr. (63rd) - Why are you hiding your first name, sir? We want to know what that W stands for.

71. Smith Thompson (6th) - Who has Smith as a first name? I mean really.

70. Richard W. Thompson (27th) - Pretty boring name.

69.  Thomas W. Gilmer (15th) - Gilmer? Equally lame.

68. George E. Badger (12th) - We don't need no stinking badgers.

67. Charles S. Thomas (53rd) - Probably told Ike that he'd only retire if the next Secretary of the Navy was also named "Thomas."

66. Thomas S. Gates, Jr. (54th) - See above.

65. Nathan Goff, Jr. (28th) - Sounds like someone clearing their throat.

64. Hilary A. Herbert (33rd) - Ha, a girl's name.

63. Fred Korth (57th) - The people at Ellis Island misspelled "North" but his family just decided to go with it.

62. Henry L. Garrett III (68th) - Trying to ride Charles F. Adams III's coattails (see 21).

61. Edwin C. Denby (42nd) - Edwin? At least be an Edward if you're going to be an Ed.

60. John H. Chafee (60th) - The type of dude who would name his son "Lincoln."

59. Francis P. Matthews (50th) - Coincidence that he "died" right around the time 12× All-Star Eddie Mathews debuted for the Boston Braves? I think not.

58. John Y. Mason (16th) - Got into a fight with a guy named Dixon over their property and drew a line.

57. John Y. Mason (18th) - What? AGAIN?

56. John Branch (8th) - Father of Timothy Twig.

55. William E. Chandler (30th) - The guy from Friends?

54. George M. Robeson (26th) - A name that inspires no emotion whatsoever, positive or negative.

53. William H. Moody (35th) - Was actually quite well tempered.

52. Richard V. Spenser (76th) - Opened up those cheesy shops at the mall.

51. Paul Morton (36th) - Father of the girl on the salt can?

50. Josephus Daniels (41st) - Son of Jack?

49. Curtis D. Wilbur (43rd) - The full name of the pig from Charlotte's Web.

48. James V. Forrestal (48th) - Sounds like the name of someone who would jump half-naked out of a window at the National Naval Medical Center. But what do I know?

47. John Lehman (65th) - Only Secretary of the Navy to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy liquidation.

46. William B. Franke (55th) - Had to constantly tell people whether or not to pronounce the "e" at the end.

45. Gordon R. England (72nd) - MARCO!

44. Gordon R. England (73rd) - POLO!

43. Paul Hamilton (3rd) - Wishes the musical was named after him instead.

42. George Bancroft (17th) - Anne's great, great grandad?

41. Benjamin F. Tracy (32nd) - Father of Dick.

40. William A. Graham (20th) - Invented the crackers?

39. Sean O'Keefe (69th) - Wait, was there a time the Irish occupied the US?

38. Charles Edison (46th) - Didn't invent nothing.

37. Isaac Toucey (23rd) - I suppose the most famous "Toucey" ever.

36. Claude A. Swanson (45th) - Died in a tragic Navy accident in the Arctic. But when his starving crew ate his body - Frozen TV Dinners were born!

35. Benjamin Stoddert (1st) - All this name means to me is a Middle School near where I grew up.

34. James C. Dobbin (22nd) - A dobbin sounds like some sort of Lord of the Rings creature.

33. J. William Middendorf (62nd) - And let's go ahead and say this one sounds like someone from The Chronicles of Narnia.

32. Edward Hidalgo (64th) - His parents got their name from the terrible Viggo Mortensen film.

31. Abel P. Upshur (13th) - "Abel Upshur" sounds like something a Southerner would say. I'm not sure what it means. But it could definitely be mumbled out of a moonshine bootlegger's mouth.

30. Frank Knox (47th) - His pickup line to girls was, "Want to enroll in the school of hard Knox?"

29. Ray Mabus (75th) - If you say his name fast it sounds like some kind of prescription drug. Side effects of Raemabus© are upset stomach, drowsiness, changes in appetite or weight, dry mouth, difficulty having an orgasm, and cancer.

Back, and to the left. 

28. John Connally (56th) - Sounds like the kind of guy who should politely decline car rides with JFK.

27. Gideon Welles (24th) - I assume no relation to Orson.

26. Mahlon Dickerson (10th) - They just don't name kids "Mahlon" anymore, do they? Points for uniqueness.

25. John H. Dalton (70th) - Played Bond in the 80's, right?

24. William C. Whitney (31st) - And heeeeeeee will alwaaaaays loooove yooouououuou.

23. David Henshaw (14th) - All I can think of is Hank Henshaw and his melting face.

22. Dan A. Kimball (51st) - HE DIDN'T KILL HIS WIFE.

21. Charles F. Adams III (44th) - Ooooh, the Third? Well look a Mr. Fancypants with his Roman Numerals.

20. Richard Danzig (71st) - Loved it when he was in The Misfits.

19. Donald C. Winter (74th) - Probably shouts "Winter is Coming!" to his wife.

18. Samuel L. Southard (7th) - Not the coolest "Samuel L." I can think of. Still, okay name.

17. Levi Woodbury (9th) - Sounds like the bad guy in a 1950s drag racing movie.

16. William H. Hunt (29th) - About to be the name of a fictional 19th century English game hunter in a novel I write.

15. Victor H. Metcalf (38th) - This dude just SOUNDS like he belongs in the military.

14. Charles J. Bonaparte (37th) - Wait, was there a time the French occupied the US?

13. Paul R. Ignatius (59th) - Although technically it should be Paul is Ignatius.

12. John P. Kennedy (21st) - Okay, but JPK just doesn't have the same ring to it.

11. John Warner (61st) - Sounds like someone who would Marry Elizabeth Taylor and be a five-time Senator.

10. William L. Ball (67th) - Hahaha, "Ball."

9. Truman H. Newberry (39th) - Sounds like a mid 20th Century novelist who would occasionally pen essays for Esquire.

8. Paul H. Nitze (58th) - Our only nihilist Secretary of the Navy.

7. Jim Webb (66th) - Secretly roamed New York as Spider-Man at night.

6. George von Lengerke Meyer (40th) - Wait, was there a time the Germans occupied the US?

Not this guy. But let's pretend it is.

5. John L. Sullivan (49th) - Huh? is this the London Prize Ring bare fist boxer John L. Sullivan? Because THAT would be an awesome Secretary of the Navy. What country would mess with a Navy run by a bare fist boxer? 

4. John D. Long (34th) - 70's pornstar.

3. Robert Smith (2nd) - Sweet. I can't believe that the dude from The Cure was Secretary of the Navy.

2. Benjamin W. Crowninshield (5th) - Holy CRAP what an awesome name. I'm going to take a wild guess at what their family crest looks like.

1. William Preston (19th) - Esquire. And his partner, "Ted" Theodore Logan. Together they are... Wyld Stallyns!!!