Conspiracy theories are usually terrible. And the US government is usually behind them, at least according to conspiracy theorists. I work for the US government and conspiracy theorists greatly overestimate the ineptitude of the US government. Trust me, if the US government had actually tried to pull off any of these events themselves - they would have bungled them up so bad and got them caught in so much red tape and bureaucracy that they'd never get off the ground. So let's rank them. Not by how likely or unlikely they are to be true, but just by how I arbitrarily feel about them. I mean some of these are crazy epic! I mean can you believe some of this stuff?! Like the CIA being involved in drug trafficking or giving Black people syphilis ? Hahaha! What fantasies! Wait... what? Those ones are true?
15. The Holocaust Never Happened - This one is horrific and demonstrably untrue. Only the crazy most batshit racist person could believe in this. It's a good thing nobody like that could rise to gain political power in this country, or else we'd all be in trouble.
14. 9/11 Was an Inside Job - This one goes directly to the point I was trying to state above. No way the US government could pull off something like this. Way too much red tape. They'd take the lowest bidder for contracts who would fail at their job. Then all the paperwork planning it would be leaked on Wikileaks.
13. Vaccinations Cause Autism - Says only stupid people.
12. FEMA Camps are Killing People (or are being set up to eventually kill people) - FEMA can't even fake a news conference without getting caught, let alone run an organized genocide machine. Hrmmm... Organized Genocide Machine. Band name?
11. Water Fluoridation Causes Socialism - I'm not even sure how this is supposed to work.
10. The Clintons' Body Count- Apparently the Clinton's are killing machines who just take out anyone who anger them or get in the way of their evil machinations. You know, except for all those people who they didn't kill and who totally did get the upper hand on them at times. Do we really think Bill Clinton could lie that well about not being a serial killer if he can't even lie that well about getting a BJ from an intern?
9. Chemtrails - When the warm water from jet engine exhaust mixes with the cold air at high altitudes, it forms condensation in the form of a straight cirrus cloud emanating from the jet. These are not chemical trails (well, technically H20 is a chemical). These do not control your brain. They do not decrease fertility. They do not cause cancer. Delta Airlines has a hard enough time not losing a bag it sticks in an airplane, let alone has the bandwidth to worry about controlling your thought. What would Delta want you to think about anyway if they could control your thought? Maybe they'd just want you to forget all the times they lost your luggage.
8. The Cure to Cancer Had Been Found and is Being Suppressed - So that companies can make more money selling "treatments" rather than the cure. Nope. That's stupid.
7. Subliminal Messages Control Our Minds - Most of our conversations about subliminal messages these days are based on the concepts that there are these "hidden" things in advertisements and the media that we don't realize we see, but cause us to buy products or effect our subconscious in ways to control our minds. This entire concept is based on studies done by James Vicary in the 1950s. The Vicary studies were proven decades ago to be fake, and yet the concept still lingers on. I'm not saying that "subliminal messages" aren't included in media. I'm just saying that there is no evidence that it actually works or does anything.
6. Climate Change is a Hoax - Man, getting like almost every single atmospheric scientist in the world to agree together as part of a hoax for no particular reason at all sure takes a lot of effort. More effort than it seems worth considering the profit that the scientists will get from this conspiracy, if the planet isn't really being destroyed by mankind, would be... uh... nothing?
5. The Government is Hiding Proof of Alien Contact - The universe is infinitely big, so I'm sure they're out there somewhere. But it seems so damn hard to travel across the stars. I'd think if they'd have actually shown up already then it would have been in a big way rather than abducting rednecks on farms and leaving behind crop circles. When they do come they'll probably just treat us like mankind treats other species of animals anyway, so I'm not sure why we want contact so bad anyway.
4. The JFK Assassination - Dozens of people have tried to recreate the conditions of the "magic" bullet that somehow traversed 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and approximately 15 inches of tissue, struck a necktie knot, removed 4 inches of rib, and shattered a radius bone. Seems totally impossible, right? It would have to make all kinds of crazy twists and turns! Hence the "magic" part of "magic bullet." It seems much easier to just say LBJ or Castro or the Russians or the CIA or the Mafia or some people in New Orleans killed the President for some reason. Never mind those efforts to scientifically re-create the conditions of the magic bullet have resulted in... well... showing that it's actually completely plausible and the path taken by the bullet would have been a straight line.
3. The Moon Landing was Faked - Why? Just to get one up on the Russians? Why didn't we fake putting up a satellite before the Russians got up Sputnik? Why wouldn't we have gotten a better actor than Neil Armstrong? "One Small Step for Man. One Giant Leap for Mankind" is stupid. "Man" and "Mankind" in these sentences are synonyms. He should have said "One Small Step for a Man." If this was scripted... why couldn't NASA get a better script writer? Why are all these scientists again getting involved in a conspiracy for no good reason? And why didn't we just tell everyone that the moon was made of gold and that America was rich now? Seems like that's what we should have done if we really wanted to sock it to the balls of those commies.
2. The New World Order - I like this conspiracy theory because it's sort of a catch-all conspiracy theory. Some big "new world order" (it could be the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Catholic Church, the Bilderberg Group, Cobra Command, etc) really controls the world and is pulling all the strings.
They could be the ones in charge of all these other conspiracies! When you buy this conspiracy, you get every other conspiracy for free! Just pay extra shipping and handling.
1. Courtney Love Killed Kurt Cobain - This one is probably true. Who would quote a terrible Neil Young song in a real suicide note?
15. The Holocaust Never Happened - This one is horrific and demonstrably untrue. Only the crazy most batshit racist person could believe in this. It's a good thing nobody like that could rise to gain political power in this country, or else we'd all be in trouble.
14. 9/11 Was an Inside Job - This one goes directly to the point I was trying to state above. No way the US government could pull off something like this. Way too much red tape. They'd take the lowest bidder for contracts who would fail at their job. Then all the paperwork planning it would be leaked on Wikileaks.
13. Vaccinations Cause Autism - Says only stupid people.
 |
| Inside this vehicle: water, bandages, death chamber. |
11. Water Fluoridation Causes Socialism - I'm not even sure how this is supposed to work.
10. The Clintons' Body Count- Apparently the Clinton's are killing machines who just take out anyone who anger them or get in the way of their evil machinations. You know, except for all those people who they didn't kill and who totally did get the upper hand on them at times. Do we really think Bill Clinton could lie that well about not being a serial killer if he can't even lie that well about getting a BJ from an intern?
9. Chemtrails - When the warm water from jet engine exhaust mixes with the cold air at high altitudes, it forms condensation in the form of a straight cirrus cloud emanating from the jet. These are not chemical trails (well, technically H20 is a chemical). These do not control your brain. They do not decrease fertility. They do not cause cancer. Delta Airlines has a hard enough time not losing a bag it sticks in an airplane, let alone has the bandwidth to worry about controlling your thought. What would Delta want you to think about anyway if they could control your thought? Maybe they'd just want you to forget all the times they lost your luggage.
8. The Cure to Cancer Had Been Found and is Being Suppressed - So that companies can make more money selling "treatments" rather than the cure. Nope. That's stupid.
7. Subliminal Messages Control Our Minds - Most of our conversations about subliminal messages these days are based on the concepts that there are these "hidden" things in advertisements and the media that we don't realize we see, but cause us to buy products or effect our subconscious in ways to control our minds. This entire concept is based on studies done by James Vicary in the 1950s. The Vicary studies were proven decades ago to be fake, and yet the concept still lingers on. I'm not saying that "subliminal messages" aren't included in media. I'm just saying that there is no evidence that it actually works or does anything.
6. Climate Change is a Hoax - Man, getting like almost every single atmospheric scientist in the world to agree together as part of a hoax for no particular reason at all sure takes a lot of effort. More effort than it seems worth considering the profit that the scientists will get from this conspiracy, if the planet isn't really being destroyed by mankind, would be... uh... nothing?
5. The Government is Hiding Proof of Alien Contact - The universe is infinitely big, so I'm sure they're out there somewhere. But it seems so damn hard to travel across the stars. I'd think if they'd have actually shown up already then it would have been in a big way rather than abducting rednecks on farms and leaving behind crop circles. When they do come they'll probably just treat us like mankind treats other species of animals anyway, so I'm not sure why we want contact so bad anyway.
 |
| Look. A magical straight line. So magical. |
3. The Moon Landing was Faked - Why? Just to get one up on the Russians? Why didn't we fake putting up a satellite before the Russians got up Sputnik? Why wouldn't we have gotten a better actor than Neil Armstrong? "One Small Step for Man. One Giant Leap for Mankind" is stupid. "Man" and "Mankind" in these sentences are synonyms. He should have said "One Small Step for a Man." If this was scripted... why couldn't NASA get a better script writer? Why are all these scientists again getting involved in a conspiracy for no good reason? And why didn't we just tell everyone that the moon was made of gold and that America was rich now? Seems like that's what we should have done if we really wanted to sock it to the balls of those commies.
2. The New World Order - I like this conspiracy theory because it's sort of a catch-all conspiracy theory. Some big "new world order" (it could be the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Catholic Church, the Bilderberg Group, Cobra Command, etc) really controls the world and is pulling all the strings.
They could be the ones in charge of all these other conspiracies! When you buy this conspiracy, you get every other conspiracy for free! Just pay extra shipping and handling.
1. Courtney Love Killed Kurt Cobain - This one is probably true. Who would quote a terrible Neil Young song in a real suicide note?
 | ||
| On second thought, maybe anyone with such poor choices in sweaters would want to kill themselves. |
No comments:
Post a Comment