Ed Ranks Things His Fellow White People Should Avoid Doing this Black History Month

10. The "Dougie"

Dabbin' is also banned. Just don't.

We White people are generally 1-6 years behind with understanding what's "cool." Now that it's 2017 it's right about time for White people to start doing the Dougie like it's cool. Remember how White people thought Miley Cyrus just invented twerking the other year? Just go do White things instead. Like, I dunno, playing water polo or naming your children "Apple." 

9.  Watch any Tyler Perry movies

In fairness, Black people shouldn't do this either. Tyler Perry movies are terrible. If you like them you have poor taste. I'm sorry, that's just a fact.

8. Bring up the fact that it's the shortest month

Whether you're mentioning this to fellow White people in a joking manner or whether you're mentioning it apologetically to a Black person like you're deeply sympathizing with their struggle and the unfairness of it all... nobody cares. This is old news. We all figured out February was the shortest month a long time ago.

7. Do a Black History Month report on an athlete

The one exception to this rule.
Of course you can do a Jackie Robinson report.

So you're a White kid in school and you've been assigned by your teacher to do a report on a famous African American for Black History Month. Who will you choose? So many great options! Will you pick MLK? Barack Obama? Booker T Washington? George Washington Carver?  Frederick Douglas? Langston Hughes? No, of course you won't, you stupid White kid. You're immediately going to pick someone like Michael Jordan or, more likely, whoever the current star athlete for your favorite team is.  Because you don't value the fact that African American surgeon Daniel Hale Williams was the first human to ever perform successful open heart surgery more than the fact that Le'Veon Bell threw up 4.9 yards per rush this season.

6.  ...Or a Rapper

Okay Skylar, the same goes for doing a report on Jay Z.

5 ...Or talk excitedly to Black people about how much you love that Athlete/Rapper

Yeah, Black people don't need us to run up to them and let them know how much we're influenced by and/or love the brilliant work done by some entertainer who is Black.  Black people don't feel compelled to run up to their White friends to tell them how much they respect Tom Hanks. And you know Black people love Tom Hanks too. Everybody fucking loves Tom Hanks.

4. Say, "I don't see color"

I really hope you see something here.

What? Really? Then it sounds like you might have an inherited ocular disorder characterized by the loss of cone cells (the photoreceptors responsible for both central and color vision). This could be a major problem for you, especially if you have a more severe case of monochromacy (AKA "total color blindness"), the lack of any ability to distinguish colors as if you were watching the old TV at your grandma's house. Hopefully it's more like a dichromacy where only one of the three basic color mechanisms is absent or not functioning properly. I gotta admit that the prognostics on this one are pretty bleak for you. There is no treatment for cone dystrophy, although certain supplements like beta-carotenoids may help in delaying the progression of your disease.

3. Start any statement with, "I don't want to sound racist, but..."

These words are always followed by something exceedingly racist. So you obviously do want to sound racist.

2.  Talk about how racism is over because [X]

Ah, the old "post-racial society!" Guess we don't even need a Black History Month anymore since we had a Black president and finally started to give a couple of Academy Award nominations to "Black films."  I'm so glad we can finally all put that terrible history aside and move on with our lives now that everything is perfect.

1. Ask "But why isn't there a White History Month?"

Seriously just don't do this unless you want to be punched like that Neo-Nazi asshole at the Trump inauguration.