Ed Ranks Starburst (Original) Flavors

Honestly, the real flavors are pink, yellow, red, and orange.

These are the flavors of Starburst, ranked. By that I mean the flavors you'll get in an "Original" Starburst package. So I won't talk about anything like the flavors in the "Tropical," "Sour," "FaveReds," "Very Berry," or "Superfruit" packs.

5. Lime - Lime used to appear in Starburst Original, but was discontinued and replaced with Cherry. For obvious reasons. If you're only going to have four flavors in your packet, you don't need both a lemon and a lime. They're sort of the same thing.

4. Strawberry - Does strawberry candy ever taste anything remotely close to actual strawberries? I don't think so. The only candy flavor which is more consistently terrible and artificial-tasting as strawberry is banana. If you get the Starburst "Tropical" packets, you have to deal with the combo "Strawberry Banana," which is surprisingly a case where two wrongs actually sort of make a right because the two fake flavors sort of work together. But I'm not talking about Tropical. I'm talking about Original.

3. Lemon - Hey, Lemon Starbursts taste just fine. But they're not as good as #1 or #2.

2. Orange - Better than Lemon because oranges are simply a better and more delicious citrus fruit than lemons.

1. Cherry - Obviously. Anyone who doesn't think Cherry is the best flavor is a mad person who should be put in a straitjacket and thrown in a room with a padded wall.

Ed Ranks Historical Events in Ketchum, Idaho

Ketchum

Look now here, folks. Ketchum, Idaho is probably not the most fascinating place in the world. It fact, it's probably pretty boring. But I can only work with what I've got to go with.  These are the ten most interesting things that ever happened in Ketchum. Which auto-correct desperately keeps wanting me to turn into "ketchup." No autocorrect, no! Mind your own ducking business, you piece of shirt!


10. A New Freight Line (1884) - The Ketchum Fast Freight Line opens, expediting the transfer of small freight in the area, carried by mules and wagons. This isn't that interesting at all, is it?

9. Festival Time (1958) - Ketchum holds is first "Wagon Days," an annual labor day carnival that features Old West wagons, a parade, and simulated gunfights. I guess that's cool, but this is less of a "historic event" and more of a sentimental look back to the days of yore.

8. A New Park (1973) - The Sawtooth Recreational Area opens up in the north, representing a move to make Ketchum a year-round tourist destination. Supposedly. I mean I haven't been there.

7. The Era of Gambling (1937 to 1954) - Gambling reaches its heights at Ketchum, likely driven by the new Sun Valley resort. That is, until its finally outlawed in 1954.

Clint playing... eh, himself. As usual.

6. Clint Films a Movie (1984) - Clint Eastwood films "Pale Rider" in the surrounding area of Ketchum (including the Sawtooth Mountains). The film would be released the following year.

5. Renamed (1880) - In the same year it was established, the post office, thinking "Leadville" is too common of a name (yep, that's right, in 1880 everyone was just CRAZY about naming their towns "Leadville"), decides to rename the town "Ketchum," after a local fur trapper who had staked a claim in the area the prior year.

4. Founding (1880) - The city is founded as "Leadville," a silver and lead smelting center in the Warm Springs Mining District. I guess being founded is a pretty important historical event, huh?


3.  Sun Valley (1935/1936) - The nearby resort of "Sun Valley" ski resort opens up, founded as an attraction by the Union Pacific Railroad. Which one of these two years is it? I'm not sure. The sources I looked at differ.  It becomes an immediate tourist attraction and summer home for rich celebrities like Gary Cooper who want to escape places like Los Angeles.

2. Largest Sheep Center in the US (1890's through 1920's) - In this era, Ketchum thrived as a local center for the sheep trade. With large grazing grounds, livestock corrals, and shipping centers - Idaho became the sheep zone! By 1918, Ketchum was the second largest sheep center in the world, second only to Sydney, Australia. Second biggest sheep trading post in the world and the largest in the US? Yeah, that's pretty awesome and interesting, Ketchum. If I were from Ketchum and had to tell somebody a fun fact about the city I came from - this would always be a good conversation starter.

Santa?

1. Ernest Hemingway and his Head are Separated (1961)

Ernest "Papa" Hemingway is famous for living it up in warm places like Key West and Cuba. But he also lived in Ketchum, Idaho. It was here in 1961 where he decided to take his shotgun, place it in his mouth, pull the trigger, and blow his cranial vault into a thousand little chunks. Honestly, this has got to be the most interesting this that ever happened in this sleepy town of 2,700-ish people.

Ed Ranks Sources of Ed Ranks Everything Web Traffic

Behold the Internet, a series of tubes.

Since this is on Blogger/Blogspot, which is run by Google, I'm able to look at a limited number of Google Analytics traffic sources for this webpage.

These are some (but not all) sources of web traffic for Ed Ranks Everything, ranked. Not ranked in order of how many hits I get, of course. But ranked by how awesome the source of web traffic is.

10. Bing - Hahaha, BING! Really? Nobody uses Bing.

9. Various Porn/Virus Bot Sites - These are not real sites, but a wide variety of fake sights which I'm assuming are just run by bots. For some reason they link have linked to my site. I'm not sure why, although they probably do this to every site. Is it all the sexy talk about royal mistresses? Who knows. Best to just never mention this again and move on. Although these virus-downloading sites are probably still better than Bing.

8. Facebook - Sometimes I whore this site from my own Facebook page, so those links are probably just coming from my Facebook friends. Nobody should be too impressed by that.

7. Instagram - Again, my Instagram profile has my website linked in the bio, so this is just me again.

6. edrankseverything.blogspot.com - Wait. This one doesn't make sense. Google says that people linking to my site are coming from my site. Well, that's pretty sad.

5. A Random Japanese Website about Nursing Careers - I assume this is a bot website too. But I'm not totally sure. Because it's in Japanese. I won't provide a link to it, because there is a good chance the site will just download viruses onto your computer. But trust me, for some reason I'm being told that a large source of web traffic has come from a Japanese site about nursing careers. Maybe these Japanese nurses are just huge fans of their fellow nurse, Jolly Jane Toppan.

4. Google.com - Google said that Google is a source of traffic. Okay. Sure. It also lets me look up what search terms were used on Google to find this site. Such search terms that people have used to get hits here have included:

• "world is the carmen sandiego patty" - Obviously someone who was looking up the name of Patty Larceny wound up finding this blog. Good for you! You clicked the right source to learn more.
• "deaths on the terra nova expedition" - Hahaha, there must be some sick fucks out there who want to know how exactly the crew of the Terra Nova expedition died, one-by-one. Those are my kind of sick fucks, because I am here to give them that info. 
• "the martians discover a sparkly number 16" - What? I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, nor which of my blogs resulted in this coming up as a Google hit. The only blogs of mine in which I even mentioned martians are when I ranked the planets, ranked deus ex machina film endings, and ranked Sesame Street Muppets (the Yip Yips). 
• *UPDATE* ... Okay, I've figured it out. The people searching this term were almost certainly searching for the Yip Yips.
• "content" - When you search for "content" my friends, Ed Ranks Everything is what you get. Just as you should.
• "all ed ranks" - Holy shit! This one is sort of making me proud. I actually think this is the only one where someone was actually searching for my site! Whoever you are, Googler, let's be friends. I'm so lonely.

3. Google.ca - This is exactly the same as above, but a little better because it's Canadians. Probably Canadians who want to know what I think about the official things of Manitoba.  Or maybe their Provinces and Territories. Whatever.

2. Reddit - I know nothing about Reddit other than the fact that the one guy from it is banging Serena Williams. If by "banging" I mean "is happily married to and has a beautiful child with." Which is of course what I mean.  Anyway, someone (or some people) has/have apparently talked about this site on Reddit before. It's not me. But I guess thank you to whoever.

1. This Janeway & Chakotay Fanfiction Romance Blog - Look, this blog has not been updated since March of 2008. There is an around zero percent chance that this is any legitimate web traffic, and it is probably the result of some bot doing something crazy. But I just want to provide everyone with a link to a romantic fanfiction blog about Janeway and Chakotay because it amuses me greatly. And here I was thinking that Kirk/Spock slash was as weird as the Internet could get. OKAY, I WAS WRONG.

  Oh, I mentioned the words "ex machina" above under #4, so by law I have to link to this again. Sorry. 

Ed Ranks Mortal Kombat (1992) Characters

Go ahead. Scream it like in the commercial.

Here are the 10 characters in the original Mortal Kombat game, ranked.

I had a Sega Genesis, rather than a Super Nintendo, and the games differed slightly. However, I'll be referring to the Genesis versions here, for what it's worth. Sometimes that matters (e.g. Sub-Zero's finisher).

10. Johnny Cage

A boring guy who is an actor that wears shades to look cool. He isn't. He was apparently inspired by Jean-Claude Van Damme. But if they wanted him to be really cool like JCVD, they should have given him a European name rather than this "bro" name.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? To prove that he was actually a skilled fighter and not just using stunt doubles. Or something like that.
• Fatality: Decapitating the heads of his opponents with an uppercut. Which means you probably shouldn't argue with him on a movie set.

9. Reptile

Reptile is the "secret" unlockable character in Mortal Kombat. He's a Scorpion/Sub-Zero clone, except he's green. The way you're supposed to be able to unlock him is through a complicated series of tricks. You have to play on the pit level, then only once in every six games at the pit you'll see silhouettes gliding past the moon. Then on that game you must win a double flawless victory without blocking and... blah, blah, blah. There is a cheat code too and most people just used the cheat code to get to fight him.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? I suppose just to be a creepy, secret villain that taunts you with various riddles about how to unlock him.
• Fatality: N/A as he's a non-playable character. He's unlockable, but unlocking him only allows you to fight him. You still can't actually play as him. But he's just Green Scorpion, so in later games you'll see him pull his mask off like Scorpion but instead of being a skull it's a lizard face and instead of burning you he does freaky lizard tongue stuff to you.

This presumes you'd choose Kano, and why would you?

8. Kano

Kano is explained as a Japanese-born American orphan who grew up into a life of crime, eventually working for a group called "The Black Dragon." Oh, he's also part robot with one glowing robot eye (clearly inspired by The Terminator).

• Why did he enter the Tournament? He heard that Shang Tsung's palace was filled with gold and riches and he wanted them.
• Fatality: He rips your heart out. Just like your first boy/girl friend did back in high school.

7. Sonya Blade

A member of an elite U.S. Special Forces unit, Sonya is just here to track down the Black Dragon organization. She's then ambushed on Shang Tsung's special murder tournament island and I guess Shang Tsung is like, "Hey, we don't have any ladies in this tournament. Let's have her participate in it!" Sonya reluctantly agrees. 

• Why did she enter the Tournament? To catch Kano and defeat the Black Dragon organization. Only she was held hostage and forced to fight for her life.
• Fatality: A "kiss of death" where she blows a kiss at a person, which blows a fireball and incinerates them in a way that just re-uses Scorpion's (cooler) charred skeleton incineration graphic.

Pepe the Prawn got buff.

6. Goro

Goro is the 4-armed, pony-tailed barbarian henchman of the game (Boss Fight #1, before you move on to uber-villain, Shang Tsung). He was based on stop-motion monsters from films like Clash of the Titans. I can't remember if his origin is even explained in this game, but at least later he's explained as the reigning "Champion" of the death games for the last 500 years.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? Because he's the reigning champion and needs to defend his title.
• Fatality: N/A as he's a non-playable character. In later games where he's playable, he basically beats the hell out of people with his many appendages.

5. Shang Tsung

The grand poobah. This is the guy who runs the crazy murder tournament on the secret island. He's an evil warlock who can shapeshift and change what he looks like to different characters from the game. He also uses their move sets. I thought that was cool as hell and badass when I was a kid. "Wow! The final enemy is like every other enemy combined... so cool!" Of course, now I realize it was just a lazy way to re-use graphics and moves rather than coding any new information or moves into the game. Anyway, the plot of the game also has stuff about him being cursed by the gods into stealing souls or something like that. Oh, he also wants to rule/destroy the earth or something like that. Cool.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? I mean, it's, like, his tournament.
• Fatality: N/A as he's a non-playable character. But in later games he does various crazy evil wizard spells and stuff.

4. Liu Kang

LK is a Shaolin monk who wants to save all of Earth, and then enters the tournament. He's apparently a mashup of Bruce Lee and 12th-Century Japanese military commander and hero, Minamoto no Yoshitsune. But most Americans who played the game were probably not all that familiar with 12th-Century Japanese military commanders, so let's just go ahead and call him "Fake Bruce Lee." He's also awesome because he does a bunch of kicks, including a bicycle kick. I know a lot of people think LK is the best and he's the "canonical" winner of the tournament, but I didn't particularly use him a lot.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? To save Earth. Which is, I suppose, pretty noble or something.
• Fatality: He uppercuts you so hard that you are thrown into the air really high, fall back down, and die. Which is awesome, but still a little strange for someone who's entire repertoire is "I do a lot of kicks." Why not a kick finisher, LK? Depending on where you're fighting, this uppercut might also cause the opponent to fall down to the ground and be impaled by spikes. Which is cool too.

3. Scorpion

Scorpion's real name and origin are a mystery, at least in the first game. Afterwards they give him and his twin/arch enemy/palette-swap Sub-Zero more elaborate backstories. But in this first one, all we know about them is that they are unnamed enemies from rival ninja clans. So, Scorpion is the yellow ninja guy who has some fire powers, as well as a big spear he can "GET OVER HERE" you with, as well as a punch where he can teleport.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? It's not really said up front, but it's revealed that Sub Zero previously murdered him. So presumably Scorpion's just here as an undead zombie demon to get revenge on Sub-Zero.
• Fatality: He pulls his mask off to reveal that there is only a skull underneath (OH FUCK!) and then breaths fire from his mouth, burning his opponent into a charred skeleton.

 

Either one looks pretty painful.

2. Sub-Zero

As with Scorpion, there isn't much backstory to Sub-Zero in this first game other than "he and Scorpion hate each other," presumably for dressing and moving in identical ways and constantly getting into slap fights where they say, "STOP COPYING ME!" Beyond that, all we're told is that he bears the marks of the "Lin Kuei," a legendary clan of Chinese ninja. As opposed to Scorpion and his fire power, Sub-Zero has cold power and can shoot ice at people. Cool. I think Sub-Zero was my favorite as a kid, both for the ice stuff and for the pretty impressive fatality.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? To assassinate Shang Tsung, as he was paid a large wad of cash money by one of Tsung's enemies.
• Fatality: He grabs your head and rips it off, pulling your spinal cord out of your body in a bloody mess that is, quite frankly, a pretty impressive feat. I mean I didn't think the spinal cord worked that way. But I guess it does! This game can't be wrong. In the SNES version he simply freezes you and shatters you to pieces (likely another idea lifted from the Terminator franchise). Which is cool too.

1. Raiden

Definitely not Christopher Lambert.

Ah, rice hat man! Based on the Japanese thunder god, Raijin, Raiden is... uhh... a thunder god. So yeah. I'm not sure I'd enter a tournament if I knew that there was a GOD in it. What the hell is Johnny Cage thinking? He's a stupid actor and he thinks he can defeat Asian Thor? I think not. I suppose as part of the plot, the god takes "human form" so he's not totally unbeatable. So I suppose it would be more accurate to say that any opponent would be fighting Asian Dr. Donald Blake, rather than Thor. But I digress. The hat. The lightning. This guy was cool as hell.

• Why did he enter the Tournament? It's not really explained too much in the first game beyond "Shang Tsung invited him." I think later they explain it more, but I'm trying to mostly keep to just this firsts game's story, yo.
• Fatality: He electrocutes your head and it explodes. HOLY SHIT. That is not the way I want to go. Just imagine dying that way. No matter what accomplishments you ever made in life, all you'll ever be known for afterwards is "being that person who died when lightning exploded his head."

Ed Ranks the Coats of Arms of Major Slovenian Cities

These are the 10 largest (by population size) cities in Slovenia, ranked by how cool their coats of arms look.

10. Ptuj

I want to like Ptuj's flag, as it is a fairly classic design. However, I can't but feel that when Richard the Lionheart was coming back from the Third Crusade, someone in Slovenia just stole his flag. And by "Slovenia," I mean "The Kingdom of Hungary," which Slovenia would have been part of during the autumn of 1192 when Richard was crossing through. 

9. Koper

Wait a minute. Have I just entered Koper, the third largest city in Slovenia and the only major city on Slovenia's very small coastline? (the nation is mostly landlocked). Or have I, instead, entered the Smithsonian Institution? Because this looks like the Smithsonian logo. I'm not saying that a sun logo can't be cool. I'm just saying the smiley face makes it pretty non-threatening. Plus this shade is blue is perky and friendly.

8. Kranj

Eagle logos are usually pretty awesome, especially in Eastern Europe. This one almost works, but the light grey and red is just sort of blah. If the colors (or the color tones, at least) were updated, this could rise a couple up in the ranks. 

7. Velenje

I don't dislike this one. It's actually pretty modern and sharp-looking. The colors are interesting to me and the symbols are fascinating. I'm not quite sure what it means. I assume the green part are castle walls. That white thing in the middle seems like it's some sort of huge column... or something? I dunno. I guess I could look it up. But I won't. I don't want to kill the magic of my imagination by knowing the truth.

6. Kamnik

This one has boobies on it, so I can't rank it too low. It's not quite a mermaid. It's like a snake lady. Which, if I remember correctly, is called an "Echidna" in western mythology. I guess she owns a castle too, and has some cool dragons as guards. Okay, maybe not cool dragons. Those are just okay dragons. They got nothing on the Ljubljana dragon (see below).

5. Trbovlje

I am not quite sure what this is, but I like it. The colors are interesting/different, the imagery is crisp and modern. It turns the concept that "coats of arms having dragons and birds and stars and castles on them" on its head.  As with Velenje, I'm not going to look up what it actually means. Instead, I'm going to pretend it's a coffin traveling on a rail track. Not a huge rail track that a big train would run on. But like one of those small rail tracks that goes through a mine, like the ones in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Yeah, those little tracks are cool, right?

4. Maribor

 I know from the last one it sounds like I might be hating on traditional coats of arms with castles and birds... but I don't really dislike them. In fact, they can look quite cool. If they look like this, that is. Although I'm not exactly sure what that bird is doing.  It looks like it's going down pretty fast to that castle gate. Watch yourself, bird. You're about to impact!

3. Novo Mesto

Who is this guy? The king of Novo Mesto? I like him. He's badass. He's got that royal egg and everything. Oh, and I suppose by "royal egg" I mean "Globus Cruciger," the traditional orb and cross used as a Christian symbol of authority. But honestly, it's the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. You know it is!

2. Celje

 This almost looks like the American flag, which means it looks cool as hell because the American flag is cool as hell. I love this shit! Good work, Celje! It looks like Ulrich II, Count of Celje, really knew how to choose a coat of arms.

1. Ljubljana

The largest city in Slovenia, and also Slovenia's capital, has this as its logo. A dragon on a castle. Who doesn't love that? That dragon is an awesome, classic, and threatening dragon as well. If I were Saint George, I'd be like, "Nope!" If I were some 15th-Century raider about to attack the city of Ljubljana and I saw that they had this as their coat of arms hanging from the walls, I'd think twice about messing with these guys.

Ed Ranks the Muppets

*gestures hands wildly in the air*

Remember when I ranked the Sesame Street Muppets?  Yeah, that was cool. Now I'm going to rank the other ones. You know, the main ones from The Muppet Show, Muppets Tonight, and all of the feature Muppet movies? Kermit will be on both lists, and you're just going to have to deal with that.

There are hundreds of different Muppets, so I'm just going to rank the top 20.

20. Clifford - Clifford is not that memorable, but I guess he rose to be "important" enough to be the host of Muppets Tonight in the 1990's. Other than that, he's just a largely forgettable, "hip, cool" pink, Rastafarian Muppet musician. You could easily just mistake him for an obscure member of Dr. Teeth's Electric Mayhem band, but I guess he's not.

19. The Snowths - Speaking of pink things, the Snowths are pink. They do the "Mah Na Mah Na" and that's it. That's all they got. A one-hit wonder, known only for that. I'm still going to rank them here above Clifford out of principle, just to make sure that awful/boring characters like Walter don't make it to this list.

18.  Robin Frog - Robin is one of those "kid version of another character" type of characters, in that he's really just supposed to be the little, sweet nephew of Kermit. Sort of boring, but then again Robin was given a couple of notable roles throughout the history of the Muppets, perhaps most prominently taking on the role of Tiny Tim in A Muppet Christmas Carol.

17. Bobo the Bear - It's super weird to me that Bobo the Bear even exists. The Muppets already have Fozzie Bear, who is a lot more cartoonish and (by comparison) looks almost nothing like an actual bear. Bobo looks more like a real bear and is sort of dumb/easily confused. I guess he's the Pluto to Fozzie's Goofy.

Behold: Animal. Plus four other insignificant randos.

16. Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem - Yes, I'm throwing the entirety of this band together, minus one of them.  This is the house band for The Muppet Show, which includes Dr. Teeth, Janice, Floyd Pepper, Zoot, and Animal. Later the band also included "Lips." No, lips isn't the girl with the huge lips. That was Janice. Animal will be ranked separately from this entry, because he was the only member of the band that was really interesting at all.  


15. Uncle Deadly - Most people assume that Uncle Deadly was a new addition to the Muppets as the #2 villain in the 2011 film The Muppets. However, that was just him taking on a bigger role than he ever had before. His time with the Muppets as a super, minor character goes all the way back to the Vincent Price episode of The Muppet Show in the 1970's, where he was depicted as a Phantom of the Opera-type of character.  He would have been way too obscure to make this ranking though, had not the 2011 film raised his profile.

14. Scooter - Scooter is weird. I don't totally dislike him, but his characterization is all over the place. Originally, he was the backstage manager of The Muppet Show who was an idiot that only got the job because of nepotism. In that role, he had a somewhat antagonistic relationship with Kermit. Until he didn't, because they just sort of dropped that aspect of Scooter's personality and made him Kermit's helpful assistant and a competent show producer. Then by the time Muppet Babies came around, he was given a third completely different personality - that of a brainy computer wiz. Whatever, Scooter. Just pick a personality and go with it.

13. Sweetums - In a lot of ways, Sweetums is a super obscure character who barely even features in any stories. He's just a giant, scary-looking monster that's usually in the background. He's a huge ogre with pointy teeth. But his personality is that he's actually sweet (hence the name) and friendly. Which is cool. I guess it means that beauty is on the inside. Or something.


12. Rizzo the Rat - Ah, Rizzo. He's a streetwise, New Jersey rat. He started off only as a background character, but then would "steal the scene" and be given a name and actual personality traits (such as a fear of heights). Eventually, he'd go on to become a duo with Gonzo (when Gonzo decided to be a magician) and he's also take on notable roles in quite a few Muppet movies.

About to drop a rap album.

11. Statler and Waldorf - The two old guys who insult everyone and talk shit from the balcony. They are hilarious. I don't need to explain these guys any more, do I?

10. Sam Eagle - I don't know what you think of Sam Eagle personally, but as a kid this Muppet used to really scare the hell out of me. He's just so freaky and strange looking. His personality wasn't particularly scary, as he's just an American-loving weirdo that's a bit of a square. Creepy though. So creepy.

9. Rowlf the Dog - Rowlf is a weird, brown, shaggy mutt dog who plays the piano. He usually the wisecracker who jokes around, but can also deliver deadpan humor as well. While most episodes of The Muppet Show featured mayhem that would drive Kermit crazy, Rowlf kept his cool and didn't even care. Before Kermit took off, Rowlf was actually the first "big" Muppet star that Jim Henson was most famous for. He's just okay to me though.

8. The Swedish Chef - Zee-a Svedeesh Cheff is a tutelly insuone-a cherecter vhu speeks nunsense-a. It's nut ifee-a reel Svedeesh. He-a is nut a fery guod cheff ieezeer, is he-a's cleerly juost thruoing ruondum cheeckens und cleefers iruound insteed ouff ictuoelly cuokeeng. Still, he-a's pretty heeleriuous. Bork Bork Bork! 

7. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew & Beaker - Hypothetically I could rank these two apart as different characters, but I won't. Dr. Bunsen (basically a mad scientist) actually predated Beaker by a bit, and initially appeared on The Muppet Show without a sidekick. Finally, after realizing that insane scientists can be a lot more funny if they have an unfortunate, disaster-magnet of a sidekick, the show added Beaker. Beaker would just sit there, going "meep meep" in a very worried tone, and then Dr. Honeydew's experiment would generally blow Beaker up.

6. Animal - The frenzied, insane, furry red drummer of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, who seemed to be made of energy. I assume the "Mayhem" part of the band name totally comes from this guy. He's often portrayed as being chained up to his drums, presumably because if he wasn't on a chain he would just violently murder and probably eat everyone around him. So basically just John Bonham (but on a little less heroin). He made the transfer to the Muppet Babies cartoon, where he was still a crazy ball of energy but probably slightly less psychopathic in his youth.

5. Fozzie Bear - Wocka Wocka! You know this guy. He tells terrible, terrible pun jokes (which I love by the way, because puns are the best). He has horrible taste in clothes (polka dot ties and an old Buster Keaton pork pie hat). As with Rowlf initially being Jim Henson's biggest and most famous character until Kermit, Fozzie was initially Frank Oz's big character until Miss Piggy came along. He thought of himself and Kermit as best friends, although I'm not 100% sure that Kermit felt the same way back to him.  As a terrible joke-teller, Fozzie was the most frequent target of the heckling of Statler and Waldorf.

Shellfish + Vishnu + Arthur Fonzarelli =

4. Pepé the King Prawn - If any raking here is going to be "controversial," it's this one (by the way, you are probably a pretty lame and unnecessarily argumentative person if you think Muppet rankings are controversial). Pepé wasn't even in the original The Muppet Show, nor the initial Muppet movies of the 70's, 80's and early 90's. He only debuted in 1996 on Muppets Tonight, initially as half of a somewhat unimportant two-man act with Seymour the Elephant. His thick accent and terrible jokes (What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Eleph-i-no!) made him catch on quickly and he's probably be the most successful creation of of Muppets Tonight. I love this dumb little prawn. Yes, I understand that he brings little new to the table, as he's basically just taking over the "annoying, accented scene-stealer" role that Rizzo used to play, and mixing it up with a little of Fozzie's "I tell bad jokes" role.

3. Miss Piggy - The Muppets didn't have a lot of female characters. I mean, we got Janice from the band and we got Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy herself isn't the most endearing or relatable character either, as she's a total diva bitch. Still, what would the Muppets be without Miss Piggy to be the yin to Kermit's yang?

2. Kermit the Frog - The most famous and important Muppet. The only Muppet that crosses over to Sesame Street as well as the main Muppet continuity. Beloved. I don't need to explain Kermit to you. You know who Kermit is. He IS THE DAMN MUPPETS. But is he the best one? No. To quote Frank Oz (in an inaccurate context), "There is another..."

Seriously, what is this thing?

1. Gonzo 

Gonzo is the best. He's crazy. He's eccentric. He looks funny with his weird hook-nose. Unlike other "big" Muppets which are clearly supposed to be specific animals (frog, pig, bear, dog), nobody knows exactly what the hell Gonzo is even supposed to be. That fact would go on to become a running joke throughout the various shows and films. Gonzo started off as a minor character on The Muppet Show, and eventually grew to be one of the key characters. He loves various forms of performance art. Sometimes he's a magician. Sometimes he's a daredevil/stuntman that thinks he can be shot out of cannons. Sometimes he has low self-esteem. But he always, always, ALWAYS likes to fuck chickens. For some reason.

Ed Ranks Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms of China (907 to 979 AD), Part II

Now that I've ranked the Five Dynasties of China from 907 to basically 960, it's time to talk about (and rank, obviously) the 10 break-away "kingdoms" to the south that refused to bow to the five dynasties. The last of these held out all the way until 979.

One of the first things that you'll probably notice is that these kingdoms all lasted much longer than the dynasties.  While the longest dynasty ruled for but a mere 16 years, the shortest-lasting of the 10 Kingdoms lasted a whole 18 years. So basically if you tried to go all in and make yourself "Emperor," you were doomed to fail in about a decade or so.  However, if you took on the less aggressive stance of just trying to be the king over some local lands, you could usually hold out quite long (in one case, for nearly the entire period of 72 years).

Hey, and speaking of only lasting 18 years, it was these guys...

10.  Kingdom of (Former) Shu

Its enemy: Current Shu. Maybe.

Upon the collapse of the Tang, Wang Jian (Tang’s military governor of western Sichuan) refused to recognize the Later Liang and was among the first to declare independence. Wang Jiang was a pretty competent leader, but when he died in 918 his son Yan took over and was described as “largely incompetent.” It didn’t take long after the Later Tang took power as the dynasty in the north that the Tang took over Shu and incorporated it back into the northern dynasties, ending the supposed “Great Shu” after less than two decades.  The Shu would wait a decade until they were finally able to get their revenge and return to power for Shu, Part II. Because it rhymes. In the end, the minimal amount of time that the Kingdom lasted, plus its inability to really engage in any successful land grabs of its own, means that the Former Shu was the least successful of the Ten Kingdoms.

• Length of Reign: 907 to 925 (18 years)
• Size: A decent-sized state about the same size as Chu and including most of Sichuan, all of Chongqing, and parts of Gansu, Shaanxi, and Hubei.
• Notable Accomplishments: Having at least one competent ruler for 11 years. Being one of the first out of the gate to declare independence and maintain it with a sizable chunk of land. 

9. Kingdom of Chu (Ma Chu)

While Chu gained relative independence at the beginning of the era in 907, it wasn’t for another 20 years until they became really independent. By that time, the initially deposed Tangs had come back into power to form the Later Tang Dynasty. In 927, Later Tang officially recognized Chu as independent, with its regional governor Ma Yin now upgraded to the status of “king.” But he died just a few years later in 930, and over the next two decades five of his many sons (he had at least 35 sons) would take the throne. By 951, the Southern Tang (see #8 below) decided to do a roll-in and just take the place over, ending its independence.

• Length of Reign: 927 to 951 (24 years)
• Size: The landlocked territory of Changsha, Hunan, and northeastern Guangxi.
• Notable Accomplishments: Almost making it a quarter of a century. Having someone who was the 30th son of its king eventually take the throne. That’s pretty impressive. If you’re born as the 30th son…I assume you just sort of figure you’re never going to be king.

8. Kingdom of Southern Tang

Southern Tang

The Kingdom of Wu was one of the first states to break off when the Tang Dynasty fell, and lasted a good 30 years until 937. What ended Wu?  More like who ended Wu. Xu Zhigao, a descendant of the Tangs, seized control and renamed himself Li Bian, and transformed Wu into Southern Tang. Li Bian and his successors would take the original Wu lands and begin a campaign of expansion, with Southern Tang eventually claiming Yin, Min, Chu, Southern Anhui, Southern Jiangsu, much of Jiangxi, Hunan, and Eastern Hubei. These guys were just steamrolling over other states until 956, when it suffered a setback in a conflict with the Later Zhou Dynasty to its north. It was forced to cede all its land north of the Yangtze River to the Later Zhou and basically turned into a vassal state. Not that long after, the Later Zhou itself fell to the Song, who allowed the Southern Tang to continue to be a semi-autonomous vassal state. But by 975 the Song were well into their “we are Emperors of all of China” mode and had enough of their obedient vassal pretending to be independent, and forced King Li Yu of the Southern Tang to surrender. Having a kingdom that lasts for almost 40 years sounds impressive - but when only 19 of those years are actual independence and the rest are as a puppet state - you can't give these guys that much credit.

• Length of Reign: 937 to 975 (38 years)
• Size: Pretty big. The entire former Kingdom of Wu, plus Chu, Yin, Min, and parts of Anhui, Jiangsu, Jiangxi, Hunan, and Hubei. Niiiiice! At least, for a time.
• Notable Accomplishments: A lengthy reign and large territorial expansion. However, the latter half of their time as a kingdom was spent being a subservient vassal state.

7. Kingdom of Jingnan (Nanping)

When the Later Liang took control from the Tang Dynasty, Gao Jichang of the small territory of Jingnan remained loyal to the Liang. It wasn’t until the Liang themselves were deposed by the Later Tang that Jingnan declared itself as a kingdom. Although it had staying power for nearly 40 years, Jingnan was the smallest and weakest of all the states. So how did it stay around for so long? In one way, it simply wasn’t big enough to even bother conquering. However, Jingnan also proved to be smooth political operators and, despite declaring independence in 924, always attempted to remain allies with the large dynasties to its north. That willingness to be a little subservient to the dynasties protected it from invasion. That is, until the Song came around. Once the Song Dynasty took over, Jingnan’s time of being protected was over and it was one of the first kingdoms to fall to the Song. 

• Length of Reign: 924 to 963 (39 years)
• Size: The smallest of any of the states during this period, just a small territory completely  surrounded by the five northern dynasties, as well as the Kingdoms of Wu and Chu.
• Notable Accomplishments: Knowing how to make alliances to protect its small, weak territory. Being a central trade hub, which also helped to keep the peace as war in the area would have wrecked trade.

6. Kingdom of Min

Zoltar... I mean... uhh... Wang Shenzhi.

A 36-year reign is not too bad during this time period, although the Min had nothing on their Wuyue neighbors directly to the north (see #1 below). Two years after the collapse of the Tang Dynasty, the Min sort of declared themselves independent when Wang Shenzhi declared himself as "Prince of Min." However, he didn’t quite have the balls to call himself “King” or “Emperor,” and would only posthumously be recognized as one in 933 when his son, Yanjun, was bold enough to declare himself as Emperor of Min (he retroactively said that his dad had been an Emperor too).  In 943, Yanjun’s half-brother Yanzheng declared independence in the northwest part of Min, declaring a new Kingdom of Yin (this kingdom was so weak that it's not even counted among the 10, so don't look to read more about them here). This was the beginning of the end for Min, as Min asked for help from the Southern Tang to defeat Yanzheng and his Yin Kingdom.  Southern Tang "helped," happily. But they kept the land for themselves. Min then tried to seek an alliance with Wuyue to counter the Southern Tang, but it was too little and too late. The Southern Tang would conquer Min in 945, with Wuyue also carving out Min’s northern lands which the Tang couldn’t capture.

• Length of Reign: 909 to 945 (36)
• Size: Not huge. The modern-day Fujian Province of southeast China.
• Notable Accomplishments: Lasting over three decades. Constructing an effective bureaucratic and tax system. Foolishly destroying itself in a brother rivalry.

5. Kingdom of Later Shu

Don't get me started on how surreal its southern neighbor, Dali, was.

Obviously the “Former Shu” (#10 above) never actually called themselves “Former” during their reign. That only happened later when the Shu came to power once more. After the ruling Wang family of Shu fell to the Later Tang in 935, Meng Zhixiang was appointed by the Tang as Shu's military governor. Although initially loyal, he continued to gain power and influence until he decided to rebel against his Tang bosses along with another rebel leader, Dong Zhang, who controlled the eastern part of Shu, called “the Dongchuan Circuit.”  Then Zhixiang had second thoughts and decided to end his rebellion and re-ally with the Later Tang again, betraying his ally Zhang. Then when the Later Tang Emperor died in 933, he again flipped and rebelled once more–declaring himself ruler of Shu in 934. Zhixiang’s reign would last for exactly six months before he died, allowing his son Meng Chang to take over.  Chang ruled 30 years, relatively peacefully. Although Later Shu is credited with being a center of art and literature, it’s also criticized for being militarily and politically stagnant. After the Song Dynasty came to power in 960, one of their first targets of conquest was Later Shu – and they were unable to put up much of a fight. Chang died just days after submitting to the Song in 965. Of a broken heart? *shrug*

• Length of Reign: 934 to 965 (just over 30 years)
• Size: The same as the Former Shu - Most of Sichuan, all of Chongqing, and parts of Gansu, Shaanxi, and Hubei.
• Notable Accomplishments: 30 years of peaceful rule. The creation of a kingdom still known to this day for art and culture.

4. Kingdom of Wu

Gaoshang Sixuan Honggu Rang, aka "RZA."

Some will describe the Kingdom of Wu as actually beginning in 902 versus 907, but I’ll just set its start at the beginning of the Five Dynasties period when the King of Wu, Yang Wo, refused to recognize Zhu Wen of the Later Liang as the new emperor, thus effectively declaring independence. That independence would last a healthy 30 years, which was no small feat during this period of Chinese history. But eventually, Xu Zhigao (a descendant of a Tang Prince) seized control in 937 and declared a new kingdom, which would be known as the Southern Tang. Still, a pretty good run with a fairly large chunk of land.

• Length of Reign: 907 to 937 (30 years)
• Size: Its core in modern Yangzhou, with lands ranging from central and southern Anhui, central and southern Jiangsu, much of Jiangxi, and eastern Hubei.
• Notable Accomplishments: Lasting a really long time. Being so loyal to the Tangs that they refused to recognize the Later Liang and really became the first kingdom to break off. You could almost say that the Wu and the Tang were good friends. Like some sort of “clan” or something. I wish I could think of a good name for such an entity. Eh, something will come to me eventually.

3. Kingdom of Northern Han

Northern Han was a relative late-comer in the Ten Kingdoms, only being established in 951, a year after the fall of the Later Han Dynasty.  With the short-lived (four-year) Later Han Dynasty conquered by the Later Zhou, Liu Min broke away and founded a new kingdom and claimed to be the “true heir” to the imperial throne that the Zhou claimed. He quickly made an alliance with the Liao/Khitans, which was super important because they remained a powerful force in the north. The move was a wise one, as under Liao protection the Northern Han were able to resist Emperor Taizu of Song, who by the foundation of the Song Dynasty in 960 (after dethroning the Later Zhou) begun a major campaign of conquest to reunite China back to its pre-907 Tang Dynasty size. With Khitan protection, Northern Han was able to hold out to the very end.  Northern Han was the last of the Kingdoms conquered by the Song, and thus their end was the end of the period of the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms, and the true beginning of the Song Dynasty's rule over a unified China.

• Length of Reign: 951 to 979 (28 years)
• Size: A fairly small kingdom located in Shanxi, the traditional place of power for the now-faded Tangs. 
• Notable Accomplishments: Long-lasting, wisely picking political-military alliances, being the final holdout against the crushing power of the Song Dynasty.

2. Kingdom of Southern Han

The bottom, in pink.

While other princes of China broke free after the collapse of the Tang in 907, Liu Yin was satisfied just being the “Prince of Nanping” and nominally remained loyal to the new Later Liang Emperor.  That changed in 917 when Yin died and his brother Yan, declared a new Kingdom of “Great Han.” The kingdom was able to survive nicely over five decades, although it had an unsuccessful attempt to expand and control territories in modern Vietnam. After a long and successful period of rule, things began to fall apart in 960 when the Song Dynasty came into power and began their reunification process. Southern Han was still strong enough to resist Song for 11 years before it finally had to submit in 971. 

• Length of Reign: 917 to 971 (54 years)
• Size: China's southern coast, controlling modern Guangdong and Guangxi, the island of Hainan, and creeping its way towards Vietnam.
• Notable Accomplishments: Long-lasting, pretty expansive territory, able to resist Song domination for over a decade.

1. Kingdom of Wuyue

Qian Liu, before the advent of the Atkins Diet.

The era of the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms lasted for 72 years. The Kingdom of Wuyue lasted for a massive 71 of those 72 years. Talk about success! Just like Yang Wo of Wu and Wang Jian of Former Shu, Qian Liu of Wuyue refused to recognize the Later Liang as the successors to the Tang Dynasty and thus broke free to become a de-facto independent state at the very beginning of this period. Not only would Wuyue be the longest lasting kingdom in this period, it would not surprisingly also be one of the most powerful. Over its long reign, Wuyue would see five Kings and engage in territorial expansion to the detriment of the Kingdom of Min and others. As with most of the other independent kingdoms of China during this time, its end would come when the Song Dynasty got rolling and expanding to reunite China. However, Wuyue was still strong enough to survive an entire 18 years into the Song Dynasty before finally being conquered. Good work, Wuyue! It looks like it was the Wuyue instead who were really the ones that ain't nothing to fuck with.

• Length of Reign: 907 to 978 (71 years)
• Size: Nearly identical to the territories of the ancient Yue (with the exception of Wu territory), including Hangzhou, Zhejiang, Shanghai, and the southern portion of Jiangsu Province. It would later absorb the northern part of the Min Kingdom after it fell in 945.
• Notable Accomplishments: Longest lasting kingdom of period. Also, probably the strongest kingdom of the period. Able to resist domination by anyone else for 71 years and able to resist the Song for nearly two decades

Ed Ranks Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms of China (907 to 979 AD), Part I

The Tang Dynasty, famous for its space juice.

China was a pretty strong empire under the Tang Dynasty. That is until it fell apart in 907 AD. This would be followed by a 72-period of frequent wars, conquests, coups, secessions, and usurpations that made China a revolving door of five different “dynasties” of rulers in the north, as well as ten different independent “kingdoms” in the south. Finally, in 979, the Song Dynasty got around to conquering everyone else and finally unified everyone back into a single "Chinese" Empire again. With the exception of the far north of China, which was still ruled by the Khitan (Liao) Empire. Oh yeah, and the west. That was all full of Xia, Tibetans, Mongols, and stuff like that. Let’s not worry about all those other places though.

Since the “dynasties” and “kingdoms” were a little different, I’m going to break this into two parts and rank the Five Dynasties against one another, and then for the next post I'll rank the Ten Kingdoms against one another.  As I vaguely explained above:

• The Dynasties were typically all successor states to the Tang in the north, with each of the five dynasties coming right after the other by overthrowing the last one. While most of the dynasties claimed to rule all of China that the Tang had ruled, in reality they either totally lost control over much of the lands to the south (e.g. the Ten Kingdoms) or had given a large degree of autonomy to local military governors (known as “Jiedushi”). Rulers here were technically all "Emperors." 
• The Kingdoms were states that failed to recognize the rule of the Dynasties and thus broke free from the northern Chinese dynasties. Instead of coming one right after the other with the dynasties, they ruled in various separate locations over various separate periods of time. Some became independent almost immediately after the fall of the Tang Dynasty, while others remained loyal to the new dynasties for some time before only later becoming independent. Rulers in these kingdoms took on all sorts of different titles at the time, ranging from “Prince” to “Emperor,” although retroactively they're typically referred to as “Kings.”

So here are (to start) the Five Dynasties… ranked.

5. Later Han

Later, but still a lot earlier than this Han.

Not long after the Liao Empire obliterated the Later Jin into nothing in 947, the Liao’s own emperor, Taizong, died himself. The Liao then had a succession crisis of not knowing who their new emperor would be, which allowed just enough chaos for Liu Zhiyuan (the Jiedushi/military governor of Bingzhou, believed to be of Turk origin) to sweep in and claim the substantial chunk of land that used to be the Later Jin Dynasty (minus much of the Sixteen Prefectures and other land that the Jin had surrendered to the Liao). A pretty good accomplishment, if not for the fact that Zhiyuan died the very next year himself. His teenage son, Chengyou then took the throne but was only able to hold onto it for another two years before being ousted by Guo Wei in a military coup. In less than 4 years, it was all over. Yet it’s still called a “dynasty.”

• Length of Reign: 947 to 951 (less than 4 years)
• Size: Northern China, identical to the Later Jin.
• Notable Accomplishments: Knowing when to take advantage of a power vacuum. Dying really fast. Having a dynasty name that would have been a cool phrase for Kylo Ren to have said right when he killed his dad.

4. Later Zhou

Oh look, an actually relevant picture (at last).

Guo Wei, the Han Chinese military advisor to the Turkic Later Han Dynasty, overthrew the teenage Han Emperor on New Years Day 951 and MADE CHINA GREAT AGAIN. But just for three years before he died. Emperors were dying left and right during this period. Wei’s adopted son, Rong, (he was the son of his wife’s brother) then took the throne of the Zhou Dynasty. Rong was actually able to increase the size of Zhou territory by having some victories against the Southern Tang. However, his efforts to engage the Northern Han were less than successful. After a whole five years of rule, he too died and his seven-year-old son took the throne. Well, you know how that goes in this time period. He was on the throne for less than a year before Zhao Kuangyin usurped the throne and declared himself emperor of the Great Song Dynasty. It’s all bad news for the Zhou, but the good news is that the Song Dynasty that would reunite China, bringing all of the southern states (and eventually by 979, the northern states) under its control and ending the period of the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms.

• Length of Reign: 951 to 960 (9 years)
• Size: The same territory as the Later Han, but plus acquisitions from the Southern Tang. 
• Notable Accomplishments: Military victories and land acquisition from the fairly large and powerful Southern Tang (essentially turning them into the Later Zhou’s puppet state).

3. Later Jin

Cunxu liked blue, I guess.

The Later Jin and Later Tang were two branches of the same family (they were of the Shatuo ethnicity from Shanxi). In 936, Shi Jingtang (the son-in-law of Later Tang-founder Li Cunxu) overthrew his Tang family with the help of the Liao/Khitans, whose alliance with the Tang had fallen apart. Unfortunately, the Later Jin would never do quite as well as the Later Tang, as they were unable to ever claim Sichuan (the Later Tang actually lost it towards the end of their reign), and also had to cede up some of their land to their allies, the Liao (territories called “the Sixteen Prefectures,” which included Beijing and lands to its west. When Jingtang died his successor foolishly pissed off the Liao and they pretty much just conquered the Later Jin and destroyed them. Oops!

• Length of Reign: 936 to 947 (11 years)
• Size: Most of northern China, but not as much as the Later Tang, not being able to ever claim Sichuan and losing the Sixteen Prefectures.   
• Notable Accomplishments: They lasted over a decade and had two emperors, but alas its biggest legacy will probably be that it bled out land and power to the emerging Liao, became a puppet state to the Liao, and then foolishly defied them--leading to their own demise.

2. Later Liang Dynasty

Murder. Murder. Rule. Get Murdered. The End.

Later Liang helps to kick off the whole fall of the Tang Dynasty and beginning of the period of the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms. Zhu Wen allies himself with Huang Chao, a smuggler who leads a huge (but ultimately unsuccessful rebellion) against Tang. The unsuccessful rebellion does, however, severely weaken Tang. Zhu Wen then steals most of Huang’s best troops like a boss and becomes a local warlord. He orders the murder of the Tang Emperor, and then the Tang Emperor’s son a few years later, ultimately declaring himself “Emperor Taizu.” But the whole “brutal murder” thing obviously ran in Zhu Wen’s family, because not that long afterwards… his own son, Yougui, murders him to become the new emperor. Haha! Then Yuogui’s brother, Youzhen, murders him and he becomes the emperor. Ah, families! The whole reign lasts only 16 years when, in 923, the Tangs get revenge and conquered the Liangs. And by “only 16 years” I mean that this was the longest-lasting and most successful of the five dynasties in this period.  Still, lasting the longest and being the first doesn’t mean it gets to be in first place if the entire reign of the Later Liangs was full of familial murder that would lead to its own downfall.  Its very creation also caused a large number of Jiedushi to leave the empire and form their own kingdoms, meaning the dynasty bled out land throughout its lengthy reign.

• Length of Reign: 907 to 923 (16 years)
• Size: Much of northern China
• Notable Accomplishments: Lots of familial murder. The longest reign of all of the five dynasties in the period.

1. Later (Restored) Tang Dynasty

No idea what this says, but they are the large yellow splotch.

Ah, after 16 years out of Later Liang power…the Tangs are back with their fruity, astronaut orange juice and ready to rule once more! But just for 13 years. After Li Cunxu is able to defeat Zhu Youzhen of the treacherous Liang Dynasty (which had usurped the Tangs in the first place), he only lasts three years himself before dying in an officer rebellion. Basically, if you were a ruler in China you knew your military officers were going to rise up and kill you at some time. You just had to accept that fact. For the next ten years, the Later Tang has a succession of three more rulers before a rival named Shi Jingtang defeats them and establishes the Later Jin Dynasty. But before they fell, the Later Tang were able to greatly expand the territory of their dynasty to include a number of areas the Later Liang was unable to acquire (see below for specifics), which included some important places like Beijing and Sichuan. 13 years of rule isn’t quite as good as 16 years of rule by the numbers alone – but expanding your territory and winning back land certainly beats losing land like the Liang did.

• Length of Reign: 923 to 936 (13 years)
• Size: The vast majority of northern China, including territories the Later Liang never had (Beijing, Shaanxi, and the former Shu State which included Sichuan).
• Notable Accomplishments: Vast territorial expansion, a temporary alliance with the Liao, the rare achievement of being able to keep their dynasty going for over a dozen years. 

~~~~~

That was fun, right?  But we've only just scratched the surface with this period. We have ten more kingdoms to talk about next time.