Ed Ranks the Seven Seals of the Apocalypse

7. Seventh Seal: Seven Angels with Trumpets

You'd think the final seal would be something REALLY foreboding, or cryptic, or at least cool. But no. Here we get something that might as well be a lyric from the Twelve Days of Christmas.  Seven Trumpeters-a-Trumpeting; Six Geese-a-Laying; Fiiiiiiiiive Golden Rings!  Oh. They also have bowls. Yes. The angels have bowls because they're about to eat, presumably, Cheerios.

Come on black horseman, step your game up. 

6. Third Seal: Black Horse

Upon the black horse rides the third of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a "pair of balances," which I assume means a scale. What's he going to do with that scale? Take a measure of wheat and three measures of barley? That's not very threatening, black horseman. You could have really done a lot better if you found some sort of weapon like a scythe. I mean even a leather jacket would have been nice if you'd rather do clothing than weaponry. How about an accessory? If Jessie Ventura pulled off a feather boa, I bet you could too.

5. Fourth Seal: Pale Horse

Upon the pale horse rides the last of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a name tag that says "Death." I'm not kidding. It says (King James Version) "his name that sat on him was Death," which I assume means that he had one of those, "Hello, My Name Is ______" tags on him with "Death" written with a Sharpie. That's sort of cool, but the fact that he rides a "pale horse" takes some points away. Pale horse? The first horseman already had a white horse! How is this any different? This is just another white horse, isn't it? These freaking bible people ran out of horse colors after three and couldn't think of another. What about gray? Chestnut? I mean, I know it doesn't sound that threatening but maybe we could have had something like, "And behold, for Death rode upon a Palomino who sayeth, 'Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.'"

Throw your hands in the air...
and wave 'em like you just don't care.

4. Fifth Seal: Souls of Martyrs

Holy crap. When the fifth seal was opened it revealed the soul of every single martyr killed EVER. That's pretty epic. You'd think this would be a LOT of people, right? Or maybe it's just like 18 people and all the other people we say are martyrs were just faking being the true ambassadors of the Lord. And all these guys got to wear white robes and stuff. That's pretty boring though. Did God just wind up with a bunch of extra white robes from Overstock?
3. First Seal: White Horse 

Upon the white horse rides the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a crown and is armed with a bow. Cool beans. I guess this dude is some sort of king. A king good at archery! So this was probably just some sort of poetic foreshadowing of the coming of 20th century theatrical producer Archer King.

2. Second Seal: Red Horse

Upon the red horse rides the second of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a great sword. Swords are awesome. That red horse and big sword should really scare some people!  This is quite the menacing harbinger of the end times, I'd say.

1. Sixth Seal: Great Earthquake and Darkness

I'm not exactly quite sure how this seal works, but I assume upon opening the seal, a gigantic earthquake occurred. Which means that this seal was less of a seal on a letter or scroll and more of a complexly engineered seal that was buffering the Pacific and North American Plates. And by opening the seal... you just jacked up the San Andreas Fault and sunk Oakland into the sea. Why does the sun go black too? Well, I dunno... I guess a volcano must have gone off as well and sent ash into the sky. Stop asking me questions.