12. Ten Lords a-Leaping
Okay, with all of these gifts that are human beings, I'm just going to assume that my true love is just renting out some people to come over and do a performance for me. I will not assume that my true love is a violent and ruthless human trafficker who is actually giving me human beings as presents. That would be pretty messed up. In the case of ten lords a-leaping, I honestly have zero interest in a bunch of stuffy members of the peerage leaping around my damn house and potentially knocking shit over. Take that shit outside or, better yet, don't come over at all.
11. Eleven Pipers Piping
This would be so annoying, although not as bad as those lords a-leaping. What musical setup actually needs eleven pipers in it? I bet the biggest orchestra out there probably only has six people max playing their little lame pipes. And here I'm imagining those little three-holed tabor pipe things. I'm not sure if this is supposed to refer to an entire array of varied wind instruments. Still, even if this does include things like flutes, clarinets, oboes and bassoons - that's still not even enough instrument diversity. Even Peter and the Wolf has some brass, strings and percussion accompaniments. And sorry stoners, I'm absolutely sure the pipes referred to here aren't bongs.
10. Twelve Drummers Drumming
Like the other human being-related gifts, I don't need some stupid ass Nick Cannon drumline coming to my house and making all sorts of damn noise. This would surely piss off all of my neighbors as well. My true love should be a little more considerate of the intense noise pollution being caused by all these damn pipes and drums and squawking birds (we'll get to those soon enough). And you know what? I bet these drummers wouldn't even be the Nick Cannon / Zoe Saldana drummers. They would probably be those nobody drummers from the VH1 sequel.
9. Four Calling Birds
What the hell is a calling bird and what am I supposed to do with one of them? Is this some sort of noisy song bird? That sounds infuriating. Maybe if these are parrots that can repeat words I say then they might have some value. I could teach them to swear. But honestly I think these are just four annoying birds that will poop all over everything.
8. Seven Swans a-Swimming
Swans are frigging huge. What the hell am I going to do with seven damn swans? Is my true love trying to get me to open up some sort of aviary? Honey, I'm just a person. I'm not a zoo. And where are they supposed to swim? I don't exactly have a giant pond in my apartment. Are we just going to clog up the shower drain and flood the bathroom? Impractical!
7. Eight Maids a-Milking
I gotta admit, I'm fairly confused by this one. Let's say I wake up one morning and my true love is like, "I have a surprise for you! Look out the door!" And then I see eight women milking cows. That's my gift? How is that a gift? Is watching the maids milk the cows the gift? Do I get to keep the cows? Do I get to keep the milk? Eight cows worth of milk seems like a whole lot of milk and it will probably spoil before I can use it all. Especially since it's straight out of the cow and not homogenized. Honestly if this was a gift from my true love I would seriously consider breaking up.
6. Two Turtle Doves
Doves are essentially just disgusting pigeons. They're both members of the bird family Columbidae. The European turtle dove is a brown, ugly pigeon. So it's not like this would be a romantic set of two white doves that we could release together in some symbolic walk in the park. If we released these two birds in the park - there would just be two more disgusting pigeons flying around. But I guess with a dove, unlike a swan, I imagine you could at least eat the little annoying bastard, right? Who eats swan? Nobody except characters in A Game of Thrones. But dove is essentially squab or something, right? And while eating tiny little birds wouldn't be my first choice (so much work for so little meat) it's at least better than nothing. And two of them might be enough meat for one meal. Still though, my true love could have thought of something a lot more personal and romantic as a two gift than more birds. STOP GIVING ME BIRDS, HONEY!!!!
5. Six Geese a-Laying
At least since they're a-laying, I know I'll always have a fresh selection of eggs. Eggs for breakfast every morning. And since they're fresh from a goose, you know it will be big and have that nice bright orange yolk unlike the eggs from the store. Six geese seems like too much though. Surely one or two geese would have provided me with enough eggs.
4. A Partridge in a Pear Tree
A partridge is a game-bird, so I know I can eat it. Is that my true love's intention with this thing? To eat it? Or am I supposed to keep it as a pet? Considering how obsessed she is with birds, I assume it's probably to be another pet in our house which is now a damn farm. Quite frankly I'm more interested in the pear tree than the partridge. I can try to plant it in the ground somewhere nearby and get some delicious fresh fruit. I'm so tired of all this bird flesh.
3. Three French Hens
A nice as the sentiment behind my true love's other bird gifts might have been, honestly chicken is the only bird anyone would actually want in this day and age - both for egg purposes and for meat purposes. I'm not saying I actually want to have to take care of three damn chickens because this is the 21st Century and most normal people don't just have animals around the house (we have grocery stores). But this beats all those other stupid gifts. And what exactly makes these hens French? Do they speak French? Because that would be impressive.
2. Nine Ladies Dancing
Actually, this is pretty sweet. Thanks honey! Is this for Christmas or is it my birthday? Is a lapdance extra or does that come as part of the overall ladies dancing gift? Now I don't object so much to all this human trafficking that my true love is engaged in.
1. Five Golden Rings
Wow, a practical gift with some actual monetary value rather than just a bunch of people or stupid birds. Of all twelve gifts, this is probably the only one I--and anyone else--actually probably wants. Even if to just sell them to a cash for gold place in order to get some money for a real gift like some hard liquor or video games. It's time to update this damn song already and include a "Nintendo Switch" in there somewhere.
Okay, with all of these gifts that are human beings, I'm just going to assume that my true love is just renting out some people to come over and do a performance for me. I will not assume that my true love is a violent and ruthless human trafficker who is actually giving me human beings as presents. That would be pretty messed up. In the case of ten lords a-leaping, I honestly have zero interest in a bunch of stuffy members of the peerage leaping around my damn house and potentially knocking shit over. Take that shit outside or, better yet, don't come over at all.
11. Eleven Pipers Piping
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| Oh good. My gift is to be bored to death. |
10. Twelve Drummers Drumming
Like the other human being-related gifts, I don't need some stupid ass Nick Cannon drumline coming to my house and making all sorts of damn noise. This would surely piss off all of my neighbors as well. My true love should be a little more considerate of the intense noise pollution being caused by all these damn pipes and drums and squawking birds (we'll get to those soon enough). And you know what? I bet these drummers wouldn't even be the Nick Cannon / Zoe Saldana drummers. They would probably be those nobody drummers from the VH1 sequel.
9. Four Calling Birds
What the hell is a calling bird and what am I supposed to do with one of them? Is this some sort of noisy song bird? That sounds infuriating. Maybe if these are parrots that can repeat words I say then they might have some value. I could teach them to swear. But honestly I think these are just four annoying birds that will poop all over everything.
8. Seven Swans a-Swimming
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| Another terrible gift idea. |
7. Eight Maids a-Milking
I gotta admit, I'm fairly confused by this one. Let's say I wake up one morning and my true love is like, "I have a surprise for you! Look out the door!" And then I see eight women milking cows. That's my gift? How is that a gift? Is watching the maids milk the cows the gift? Do I get to keep the cows? Do I get to keep the milk? Eight cows worth of milk seems like a whole lot of milk and it will probably spoil before I can use it all. Especially since it's straight out of the cow and not homogenized. Honestly if this was a gift from my true love I would seriously consider breaking up.
6. Two Turtle Doves
Doves are essentially just disgusting pigeons. They're both members of the bird family Columbidae. The European turtle dove is a brown, ugly pigeon. So it's not like this would be a romantic set of two white doves that we could release together in some symbolic walk in the park. If we released these two birds in the park - there would just be two more disgusting pigeons flying around. But I guess with a dove, unlike a swan, I imagine you could at least eat the little annoying bastard, right? Who eats swan? Nobody except characters in A Game of Thrones. But dove is essentially squab or something, right? And while eating tiny little birds wouldn't be my first choice (so much work for so little meat) it's at least better than nothing. And two of them might be enough meat for one meal. Still though, my true love could have thought of something a lot more personal and romantic as a two gift than more birds. STOP GIVING ME BIRDS, HONEY!!!!
5. Six Geese a-Laying
At least since they're a-laying, I know I'll always have a fresh selection of eggs. Eggs for breakfast every morning. And since they're fresh from a goose, you know it will be big and have that nice bright orange yolk unlike the eggs from the store. Six geese seems like too much though. Surely one or two geese would have provided me with enough eggs.
4. A Partridge in a Pear Tree
 |
| What a surprise. Another stupid bird. |
3. Three French Hens
A nice as the sentiment behind my true love's other bird gifts might have been, honestly chicken is the only bird anyone would actually want in this day and age - both for egg purposes and for meat purposes. I'm not saying I actually want to have to take care of three damn chickens because this is the 21st Century and most normal people don't just have animals around the house (we have grocery stores). But this beats all those other stupid gifts. And what exactly makes these hens French? Do they speak French? Because that would be impressive.
 |
| This is how I'm interpreting this one. |
Actually, this is pretty sweet. Thanks honey! Is this for Christmas or is it my birthday? Is a lapdance extra or does that come as part of the overall ladies dancing gift? Now I don't object so much to all this human trafficking that my true love is engaged in.
1. Five Golden Rings
Wow, a practical gift with some actual monetary value rather than just a bunch of people or stupid birds. Of all twelve gifts, this is probably the only one I--and anyone else--actually probably wants. Even if to just sell them to a cash for gold place in order to get some money for a real gift like some hard liquor or video games. It's time to update this damn song already and include a "Nintendo Switch" in there somewhere.
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