Australia is a quality country to go to for some good beers and that Opera House is pretty, huh? But it seems as if when Australia was created, nature also decided to make it the end level of an unbeatable video game. Every single horrible creature dreamed up by the Greeks when they were thinking up fanciful monsters that could kill man are inferior to the actual hideous abominations to creation that exist in the land down under. Let's talk about these hell beasts from the land of pure animal hatred, shall we?
10. Sting Rays - Yeah, it was all fun and games to make fun of Sting Rays until one of them killed Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin could handle the deadliest beasts from all over Australia, and helped to raise awareness about the various hate demons of the continent to the rest of the world. But he, like the rest of us, underestimated the Sting Ray as some stupid flat fish with a silly stabby tale and he paid for it with his life.
9. Dingoes - When the people of East and South Asia settled Australia, they brought their domesticated dogs with them. Descended from the Arabian or Indian wolf, these dogs decided to just go wild again and start eating babies. These dogs know instinctively to go right to the throat to kill, presumably because they enjoy bathing their fur in the blood that spits out from your jugular.
8. Octopi - How the hell are octopuses scary? Other than in tentacle porn, I mean. They're a delicious seafood dinner, that's what they are! Well not in Australia. Like with every other animal that's just normal all over the rest of the world, in Australia the octopi were made into vicious killing machines. The blue ringed octopus is one of the most venomous marine animals in existence and are equipped with the deadly tetrodotoxin, a neurotoxin that kills humans.
7. Bees - Wait, bees are killer in Australia too? You bet they are! And if you think it's because they're "Africanized"... that's racist! This invasive and non-native species likes to swarm up and kill people. Presumably because they saw that every other animal in Australia was doing the same thing and they presumed it was just the polite thing to do on this continent.
6. Jellyfish - Sure, jellyfish can sting you and it's unpleasant. Everyone knows that! Well, Australian jellyfish go a bit further than that. The Box Jellyfish has venom designed to paralyze its victims. That means if you're swimming and get stung by one of these things - you have probably a few minutes before your body shuts down and you just drown. But you probably don't need to worry about that, because the sting has the capability to also cause cardiac arrest - so you might have a heart attack and just die long before you're able to slowly lose all your ability to move. That sucks right? Well that's not even the only shitty jellyfish that is seeking to murder the hell out of you in Australian waters. There is also the Irukandji jellyfish, which is sometimes no bigger than the size of a damn match and yet still has the ability to fatally sting you or, at the very least, give you the unpleasant "Irukandji syndrome" that starts out feeling like a little mosquito bite, but then causes severe headache, backache, muscle pains, chest and abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, sweating, anxiety, hypertension, tachycardia and pulmonary edema. Fun!
5. Russell Crowe - Native to many bars in Australia, the Russell Crowe tends to get drunk, aggressive and violent to the point where it randomly starts fights with people. Avoid this nasty little bugger at all costs.
4. Spiders - You might be thinking that the way to avoid a horrible death in Australia is to simply not go into the wild Outback or the deadly waters. Well you'd still be fucked because the Sydney funnel-spider resides in, well, Sydney. Its deadly bite includes an atracotoxin ion channel inhibitor, which causes extreme pain, sweating, tingling, and muscle spasms. Children are highly susceptible to their bites, with a record of one child dying within 15 minutes of being bitten. Direct exposure to UV light harms and kills them, so they're kind of like vampires. But of course that means they don't like to be outside - and prefer to live inside your damn house.Typically they enjoy living inside your shoes.
3. Sharks - Australia is famous for Great White sharks. With near 350 fatal shark attacks, Australia leads the world in people getting killed by sharks. It beats out other countries like the United States, which have much higher populations. Meaning, per capita, the situation is even worse. There have also been 17 fatal shark attacks just in Sydney Harbor - so it's not like you have to go out to the depths of the ocean to get killed. But the Great White shark isn't even the biggest problem. As with other regions, it's actually the asshole Bullsharks which is the deadliest - as they are aggressive homicide machines capable of swimming into harbors and up rivers and into fresh water. Tiger Sharks in Australia are also more deadly than the Great Whites.
2. Crocodiles - Ohmyfuckinggod, Saltwater Crocodiles are scary as hell, aren't they? As obvious with their saltwater name - they can survive out in the open ocean. But they also successfully thrive in estuaries and freshwater sources. As in the exact same freshwater sources that humans live by. Pets go missing all the time, so Australia is not a good place to have an outside dog or cat with crocs around.Since 1971, Australia has witnessed 99 attacks on people by saltwater crocodiles, of which 27% were fatal. This apex predator can also get up to 20-23 feet long. That's like two and a half Manute Bols long.
1. Snakes - Prepare for a little Inception here, because you're about to see a list within a list. Here is a list of the 11 most venomous snakes in the world:
Please pack your bags Australians and run. Run very far away. But be careful where you step because everything around you wants to kill you.
10. Sting Rays - Yeah, it was all fun and games to make fun of Sting Rays until one of them killed Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin could handle the deadliest beasts from all over Australia, and helped to raise awareness about the various hate demons of the continent to the rest of the world. But he, like the rest of us, underestimated the Sting Ray as some stupid flat fish with a silly stabby tale and he paid for it with his life.
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| A dingo in its natural habitat: KILLING THINGS |
8. Octopi - How the hell are octopuses scary? Other than in tentacle porn, I mean. They're a delicious seafood dinner, that's what they are! Well not in Australia. Like with every other animal that's just normal all over the rest of the world, in Australia the octopi were made into vicious killing machines. The blue ringed octopus is one of the most venomous marine animals in existence and are equipped with the deadly tetrodotoxin, a neurotoxin that kills humans.
7. Bees - Wait, bees are killer in Australia too? You bet they are! And if you think it's because they're "Africanized"... that's racist! This invasive and non-native species likes to swarm up and kill people. Presumably because they saw that every other animal in Australia was doing the same thing and they presumed it was just the polite thing to do on this continent.
6. Jellyfish - Sure, jellyfish can sting you and it's unpleasant. Everyone knows that! Well, Australian jellyfish go a bit further than that. The Box Jellyfish has venom designed to paralyze its victims. That means if you're swimming and get stung by one of these things - you have probably a few minutes before your body shuts down and you just drown. But you probably don't need to worry about that, because the sting has the capability to also cause cardiac arrest - so you might have a heart attack and just die long before you're able to slowly lose all your ability to move. That sucks right? Well that's not even the only shitty jellyfish that is seeking to murder the hell out of you in Australian waters. There is also the Irukandji jellyfish, which is sometimes no bigger than the size of a damn match and yet still has the ability to fatally sting you or, at the very least, give you the unpleasant "Irukandji syndrome" that starts out feeling like a little mosquito bite, but then causes severe headache, backache, muscle pains, chest and abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, sweating, anxiety, hypertension, tachycardia and pulmonary edema. Fun!
5. Russell Crowe - Native to many bars in Australia, the Russell Crowe tends to get drunk, aggressive and violent to the point where it randomly starts fights with people. Avoid this nasty little bugger at all costs.
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| Hello, I've come here to murder you. |
3. Sharks - Australia is famous for Great White sharks. With near 350 fatal shark attacks, Australia leads the world in people getting killed by sharks. It beats out other countries like the United States, which have much higher populations. Meaning, per capita, the situation is even worse. There have also been 17 fatal shark attacks just in Sydney Harbor - so it's not like you have to go out to the depths of the ocean to get killed. But the Great White shark isn't even the biggest problem. As with other regions, it's actually the asshole Bullsharks which is the deadliest - as they are aggressive homicide machines capable of swimming into harbors and up rivers and into fresh water. Tiger Sharks in Australia are also more deadly than the Great Whites.
2. Crocodiles - Ohmyfuckinggod, Saltwater Crocodiles are scary as hell, aren't they? As obvious with their saltwater name - they can survive out in the open ocean. But they also successfully thrive in estuaries and freshwater sources. As in the exact same freshwater sources that humans live by. Pets go missing all the time, so Australia is not a good place to have an outside dog or cat with crocs around.Since 1971, Australia has witnessed 99 attacks on people by saltwater crocodiles, of which 27% were fatal. This apex predator can also get up to 20-23 feet long. That's like two and a half Manute Bols long.
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| I'm inviting you and 288 of your friends over. To die. |
11 - Beaked sea snake, native to Tropical Indo-Pacific (including waters of Australia)Notice anything? Like how ten of the eleven most venemous snakes in the world can be found on the land or in the waters of Australia? Heard of King Cobras? A bite from one of those will inject you with about 1000mg of venom. Enough to kill about 11 people or 45,830 mice. But a bite from an Inland taipan, which gives you about ten times less of an injection of only 110mg of venom, has enough potency to kill 289 humans - or roughly 1,085,000 mice. With one bite. One fucking bite can kill over a million mice.
10 - Western Australian Tiger Snake, native to Australia
9 - Black Tiger Snake, native to Australia
8 - Black-banded sea krait, native to warm waters of the western Pacific Ocean (including waters of Australia)
7 - Many-banded krait, native to China and Southeast Asia
6 - Coastal taipan, native to Australia
5 - Peron's sea snake, native to Asian-Pacific waters (including Australia)
4 - Yellow bellied sea snake, native to Tropical oceanic waters (including waters of Australia)
3 - Eastern brown snake, native to Australia, PNG and Indonesia
2 - Dubois' seasnake, native to Coral Sea, Arafura Sea, Timor Sea and Indian Ocean (including waters of Australia)
1 - Inland taipan, native to Australia
Please pack your bags Australians and run. Run very far away. But be careful where you step because everything around you wants to kill you.
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