13. through- 44. (Tie) - George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, William Henry Harrison, John Tyler, James K. Polk, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Dwight Eisenhower, John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama are all disqualified for not having facial hair. Although technically Obama has a little under two months to go crazy and grow something if he wants.
12. Zachary Taylor - Zachary Taylor technically had sideburns, but they are barely noticeable. Our twelfth President inarguably has the least interesting facial hair.
11. Martin Van Buren - Martin Van Buren's sideburns are out of fucking
control. What is up with these things? He looks like John Quincy Adams
if he were shocked by lightning or attacked by wolves.
10. Rutherford B. Hayes - Hayes' beard was too damn long. I can't believe that there was a period of time when it was okay to elect a President of the United States who looked like a filthy hobo trying to catch a ride on the train tracks while carrying a stick with a bag on the end. If you see a man with a Hayes beard on the street today, he will likely smell like urine and be talking to himself. This beard is no good at all.
9. James Garfield - Garfield's beard is a little too long for my tastes, but then again he could probably pass off in today's society as an old lumbersexual. It's nowhere near as bad as Hayes. President Garfield is most famous for frequently attempting to send his Vice President, Aloysius J. Odie, in a box to Abu Dhabi.
8. John Quincy Adams - Our first president to have facial hair, I suppose it was technically classified as "sideburns," but those sideburns were so unruly and long that they could arguably be called "mutton chops" as well. However, they weren't super badass mutton chops like Lemmy had. But then again, Lemmy was never President (trick question - Lemmy is God). All things considered, JQA's facial hair is total weak sauce, but at least being first he popped the cherry for Presidents with facial hair and that's got to count for something.
7. Grover Cleveland - Cleveland had a mustache. Was there anything special about that mustache? Not particularly. But it didn't look hideous. He was the first president to rock the solo 'stache with no attached beard or chops.
6. William Howard Taft - Handlebar mustaches are awful. Taft looked stupid with it. Rollie Fingers looked stupid with it. Hipsters look stupid with it. Stop trying to make handlebar mustaches happen. It's not going to happen.
5. Benjamin Harrison - Harrison had a perfectly acceptable and standard old man white beard. He could have easily portrayed Santa Claus at Christmas events without much effort.
4. Chester A. Arthur - If there was ever a President that looked like a bare fist boxer in an illegal back-alley tournament - Chester A. Arthur is that man. With a combination of a mustache that merged into epic mutton chops - Arthur approaches near The Lemmy-Zone that other sideburned Presidents could not.
3. Ulysses S. Grant - This alcoholic who liked butchering Union troops had a pretty normal and timeless beard. If I saw a guy with the exact same beard as Ulysses S. Grant walking through the streets today, I wouldn't question it or think it was out of place. It's a perfectly normal damn beard. If Grant were alive today he could easily be a model on the box for a "Just for Men Touch of Grey" salt and pepper hair color kit.
2. Theodore Roosevelt - Teddy Roosevelt's Mustache was, unlike Cleveland's boring mustache, amazing. I'm pretty sure TR's mustache was self-aware and had its own ability to mow down Spaniards on horseback in Cuba with the Rough Riders (while they shut them down and opened up shop), go hunting for magnificent game, and shout "Bully!" at random times.
1. Abraham Lincoln - The first President to rock a beard also had the best beard. Nobody wants to have a filthy Rutherford B. Hayes hobo beard. The Lincoln beard is where it's all at. Can you still rock it today like a Grant beard? No. You'd look super weird and people will say "Why do you have a Lincoln beard?" But that sort of proves the point - he made that beard famous and will always be associated with it.
12. Zachary Taylor - Zachary Taylor technically had sideburns, but they are barely noticeable. Our twelfth President inarguably has the least interesting facial hair.
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| Truly awful |
10. Rutherford B. Hayes - Hayes' beard was too damn long. I can't believe that there was a period of time when it was okay to elect a President of the United States who looked like a filthy hobo trying to catch a ride on the train tracks while carrying a stick with a bag on the end. If you see a man with a Hayes beard on the street today, he will likely smell like urine and be talking to himself. This beard is no good at all.
9. James Garfield - Garfield's beard is a little too long for my tastes, but then again he could probably pass off in today's society as an old lumbersexual. It's nowhere near as bad as Hayes. President Garfield is most famous for frequently attempting to send his Vice President, Aloysius J. Odie, in a box to Abu Dhabi.
8. John Quincy Adams - Our first president to have facial hair, I suppose it was technically classified as "sideburns," but those sideburns were so unruly and long that they could arguably be called "mutton chops" as well. However, they weren't super badass mutton chops like Lemmy had. But then again, Lemmy was never President (trick question - Lemmy is God). All things considered, JQA's facial hair is total weak sauce, but at least being first he popped the cherry for Presidents with facial hair and that's got to count for something.
7. Grover Cleveland - Cleveland had a mustache. Was there anything special about that mustache? Not particularly. But it didn't look hideous. He was the first president to rock the solo 'stache with no attached beard or chops.
6. William Howard Taft - Handlebar mustaches are awful. Taft looked stupid with it. Rollie Fingers looked stupid with it. Hipsters look stupid with it. Stop trying to make handlebar mustaches happen. It's not going to happen.
5. Benjamin Harrison - Harrison had a perfectly acceptable and standard old man white beard. He could have easily portrayed Santa Claus at Christmas events without much effort.
 |
| Arthur... or a background character in Gangs of New York? |
3. Ulysses S. Grant - This alcoholic who liked butchering Union troops had a pretty normal and timeless beard. If I saw a guy with the exact same beard as Ulysses S. Grant walking through the streets today, I wouldn't question it or think it was out of place. It's a perfectly normal damn beard. If Grant were alive today he could easily be a model on the box for a "Just for Men Touch of Grey" salt and pepper hair color kit.
2. Theodore Roosevelt - Teddy Roosevelt's Mustache was, unlike Cleveland's boring mustache, amazing. I'm pretty sure TR's mustache was self-aware and had its own ability to mow down Spaniards on horseback in Cuba with the Rough Riders (while they shut them down and opened up shop), go hunting for magnificent game, and shout "Bully!" at random times.
1. Abraham Lincoln - The first President to rock a beard also had the best beard. Nobody wants to have a filthy Rutherford B. Hayes hobo beard. The Lincoln beard is where it's all at. Can you still rock it today like a Grant beard? No. You'd look super weird and people will say "Why do you have a Lincoln beard?" But that sort of proves the point - he made that beard famous and will always be associated with it.
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| Pretty sure I saw this guy in Amish country the other week. |
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