Ed Ranks the 1987-88 Portland Trail Blazers by Hilarity of their Names

Some names just sound funny.  What is the funniest name held by a member of the 1987-88 Portland Trail Blazers roster?  I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!

16. Steve Johnson - There is no name on this earth less funny than "Steve Johnson." Not even having a last name that is slang for penis is helping this guy be less boring sounding.

15. Richard Anderson - Still boring. This name isn't making anybody laugh.

14. Charles Jones - The only thing which makes this funny is if you think that maybe he went by "Chuck" and is hence "Chuck Jones."  If that were true, then it would sort of be funny because you could mix him up with the Looney Tunes guy.

13. Jim Paxson - I am almost certain that this is the name of Bobby Cannavale's policeman character in Ant Man. But other than that, there is nothing funny about this name. WHY DO I KNOW THIS FACTOID?

12. Mike Holton - Marginally funnier than Jim Paxson, I suppose. Still not particularly hilarious though.

11. Terry Porter - Slightly funny to me, but only because there was a teacher named Mr. Porter at my high school and this made me think of him yelling at people to not drop the T-square in our architectural design class.

10. Jerome Kersey - I'm pretty neutral about whether this name is funny or not. It's certainly not as funny as the fact that the Trail Blazers drafted injury-prone Sam Bowie ahead of Michael Jordan in 1984.

8. Kevin Gamble - I guess it could be a funny name if your family hasn't been torn apart by a relative with a serious gambling problem. Or maybe it's even funnier if it has been. I suppose it just depends on your sense of humor.

8. Kevin Duckworth - Duckworth is a little but funny. This is a name with an animal in it. And ducks are inherently funny animals. They just are. Don't question it.

7. Clyde Drexler - "Clyde" is a funny name because you know that if your parents named you that then you will never own a t-shirt nicer than a mustard-stained wifebeater.

6. Maurice Lucas - Maurice is a funny name. Don't lie and say you don't laugh about people being named Maurice. And I thought it was funny before I thought of that some people might call him the Space Cowboy.

5. Ronnie Murphy - Hahahaha. Ronnie! Ronnie is a hilarious name. Is anyone under 50 named Ronnie or if you're named Ronnie you're just born an old person?

4. Caldwell Jones - This one is funny because it does not sound like a Portland Trail Blazer at all. It sounds like the name of a bank or insurance company or law firm. I am almost certain that I see ads on TV telling me that I need to switch over to Caldwell Jones for all my financing needs.

3. Jerry Sichting - Sichting is funny. What kind of a last name is that? It's like someone just used a game of Boggle at Ellis Island to create stupid names.

2. Nikita Wilson - HAHAHA, YOU HAVE A GIRL'S NAME, NIKITA!

1. Kiki Vandeweghe - I am pretty sure that Kiki Vandeweghe is also the name of a Dutch hooker in the Amsterdam red light district.

Ed Ranks Herbs

This is Tarragon. Which is, surprisingly, not a Transformer.

These are culinary herbs only, so don't get it twisted.

18. Fennel - This is disgusting licorice nonsense. Don't use the greens. Don't use the bulb. Use none of it. If you find this growing... burn it.

17. Lavender - This is a great and awesome flower for smelling and looking at. Put it in soap. Put it in potpourri. Just hang a sachet of it in your closet to keep moths away. But do you know what lavender sucks in? Food.  Supposedly it's a culinary herb that goes well with fish, pork and chicken. It doesn't.

16. Tarragon - This tastes a little bit like licorice, but not nearly as bad as fennel. Best use it sparingly.

14/15. Lemon Balm / Lemon Verbena - Why bother trying to make something taste a little lemony by adding these green herbs with a subtle lemon flavor? You could instead use, you know, lemon.

13. Rosemary - My mom and my wife both despise rosemary like it's poison. I'm not in love with it or anything myself. But it's okay so long as you don't over-do it. It actually works well with things like pork and lamb.

12. Bay Leaf (Laurel) - Bay leaves provide some awesome and complex flavor to stews and soups. But it's sort of a pain in the ass that you have to fish them out after you put them in a dish. While the leaves give great flavor - they themselves remain tough and inedible, no matter how many hours you cook something for.

11. Marjoram - Marjoram is just fake, wannabe oregano.

10. Savory - Savory is just fake, wannabe thyme.

This pretty much exists only for mojitos

9. Mint - Mint is good. Nothing to write home about. You know what mint tastes like. I don't need to explain this to you. 

8. Sage - This tastes like Thanksgiving. If you don't have sage loaded all over your turkey and stuffing... then you're not doing Thanksgiving right.

7. Chives - Chives are like little baby green onions but without the edible onion bulb part. Just the greens. They're perfectly fine to cut up and put on things like a baked potato. They're super easy to grow, too. No matter how bad a gardener you are, you can probably successfully grow some chives.

6. Thyme - I got a really good chicken dish that calls for fresh thyme and it always comes out good. That's really all I have to say about thyme.

5. Dill - Dill is great. Let's just leave it at that.

4. Basil - Fresh basil is amazing and one of the keys to good Italian dishes (or a bowl of Phở)! But it doesn't hold up as well when dried. Store-bought dried basil tastes like nothing.

3. Oregano - As with basil above, you can't have good Italian food if there isn't some oregano in it. It also holds up better than basil and is perfectly fine and flavorful when dried.

2. Parsley - Ditto with the other two, one of the holy trinity of herbs in Italian cooking and this is the best tasting one. I think I like it better dried than fresh. Is that weird? 

I might have somewhat extreme views on this herb.

1. Cilantro (Coriander, Chinese Parsley) - There are two types of people. The first type of people are the types of people who think cilantro tastes amazing. These people think it enhances dishes of all types (Mexican, Asian, etc). They think a fresh salsa or a Thai curry doesn't taste right without some chopped cilantro. Then there is another type of people who think that cilantro tastes "soapy." These are the inferior human beings whose defective germlines should be wiped from the gene pool to make way for real people who deserve to keep on living and breeding.

Ed Ranks the Characters of New Girl, Without Explanation or Context

6. Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel)

5. Coach (Damon Wayans, Jr.)

4. Schmidt (Max Greenfield)

3. Cece (Hannah Simone)

2. Nick Miller (Jake Johnson)

1. Winston Bishop (Lamorne Morris)

Ed Ranks the Second-Billed Bond Girls

Four Bond Girls who DO NOT APPEAR on this list.
These are First-Billed Bond Girls. Duh.

I've ranked James Bond movies before. So how about I rank Bond Girls? But I'm sure somebody else has already done that. So maybe that's a bit boring.

Given that, instead of ranking the MAIN Bond girl in each film, I will rank the Bond Girl with the second-highest billing. A few ground rules:

• No, Judy Dench as "M" doesn't count. That would just be weird. I'm talking about James Bond's love interests (hence Second-Billed Bond Girls... not the second highest-billed actress in the film). 
• I suppose I'll also exempt Ms. Moneypenny as well. Just because he flirted with her didn't make her a love interest. Well. Until Skyfall. But that's different. We'll talk about Skyfall when we get to Skyfall.
• Villainesses count. The Bond Girl can wind up being evil, but she still counts as a Bond Girl. In fact, a good chunk of these are bad, bad girls. That's just how Bond films work.
• Of course shitty non-Eon Bond films don't count, so don't even try to go there. 

24. Miss Taro (Zena Marshall) in Dr. No

Yikes.

The secretary to Mr. Pleydell-Smith at Government House in Kingston, who winds up being a double agent working for Dr. No. The main bond girl in Dr. No is, of course, Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder.  Miss Taro is billed slightly higher than Sylvia Trench (we'll get to her later). But for now I suppose we're not talking about Sylvia Trench. We're talking about Miss Taro. Miss Taro is a terrible character because she's a Chinese character played in yellow-face by a White actress. Oof. The 60's were kind of rough. But things will get worse before they get better (You Only Live Twice). Being the first ever duplicitous Bond girl that is revealed to be a traitor helped create this as a stock character in Bond films. Am I going to give Zena Marshall props for that? No. I'm going to rank her last because SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE ASIAN! (very poorly... not that doing it well would be good either)

23. Either "Girl on Yacht" (Kell Tyler) or Rubavitch (Virginia Hey) in The Living Daylights 

Look, this one is sort of hard. I'm not even sure if there IS a second-billed Bond Girl in this movie. The main Bond Girl, Maryam d'Abo's Kara Milovy, is pretty much the lead girl throughout the film. That leaves our options as an unnamed girl on a yacht played by Kell Tyler (who Bond has sex with) and  KGB Head General Pushkin's secretary, Rubavitc. The Rubavitc character is (obviously) billed higher than the unnamed Girl on Yacht, what with her being important enough to get a name. But she doesn't have sex with Bond. HOWEVER, she is involved in a convoluted scene where Bond strips her naked in a hotel room in order to distract Gimli's security guard. Does stripping the KGB Head's secretary naked turn her into a Bond Girl? I'm going to lazily say, "maybe" and move on with the list. Either way, this one obviously ranks very low.

22. Magda (Kristina Wayborn) in Octopussy

A henchwoman of Octopussy (a jewel smuggler and not-quite-villain) and Khamal Khan (an exiled Afghan prince who serves as the actual villain of the film). Magda has special skills, such as the ability to belly dance so well that she's able to take over a castle by doing it. I am not lying. She belly dances her way into conquering a castle. Which I hear might also be how Saladin won the Siege of Jerusalem in 1187. She's ranked low because almost everything about the film Octopussy is terrible and the film largely completely forgets about her existence as soon as the title character is introduced.

21. Ruby Bartlett (Angela Scoular) in On Her Majesty's Secret Service 

An English girl at Blofeld's clinic who is suffering from an allergy to chickens. Secretly, she's being brainwashed by Blofeld to become an "Angel of Death" to spread his Virus Omega.  That's right, even in the same James Bond film where he falls in love and gets married to Countess Tracy di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg) - he still can't keep it in his pants. Not a very memorable Bond Girl, and she's only the "secondary" Bond girl because the actress just happened to be billed right above another Angel of Death character (Nancy) that Bond sleeps with at the clinic.

20. Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) in The World Is Not Enough

A nuclear physicist. Obviously.

Okay, this was another tough/difficult one to figure out who was even the "second-billed" Bond Girl. By most standard definitions and Bond film cliches, Dr. Christmas Jones is "the" Bond Girl in the film. She's the one who DOESN'T wind up being evil or a henchwoman. She survives to the end of the film and is the subject of a terrible sex pun as the movie closes. On the other hand, Elektra King (played by Sophie Marceau), is the one who DOES wind up being bad... in fact, she's not just a henchwoman... she winds up being the main villain of the film. But the film initially sets her up to make her seem like she's "the" Bond Girl (a kidnapped damsel in distress who Bond has to save and bed). This intentional inversion of the traditional Bond Girl to make her the villain calls into question which one is the "main" Bond Girl and which one is the "secondary." In the end, Sophie Marceau has higher billing... so we'll just go ahead and say that Denise is secondary. She's still terrible and miscast in this. 

19. Countess Lisl von Schlaf (Cassandra Harris) in For Your Eyes Only 

Milos Columbo's mistress (but not a very good Mistress, if she's sleeping with other guys). No, that jailbait figure skater doesn't count, even though she's billed higher. You can't be a Bond Girl if Bond isn't interested in you. And while Bond isn't exactly a champion of women's liberation... he's no cradle robber either. Fun fact... actress Cassandra Harris was married to Pierce Brosnan. That's all I have to say about her otherwise unmemorable appearance.

18.  Naomi (Caroline Munro) in The Spy Who Loved Me

A rare example where Bond doesn't actually sleep with the second-billed Bond Girl.  Naomi is the villain Karl Stromberg's seductive helicopter pilot, personal assistant and henchwoman, based at his lair called "Atlantis." Bond flirts with her a whole lot, much to the annoyance and jealousy of the top-billed Bond Girl, Russian spy Anya Amasova/Agent Triple X (who he does end up bedding, of course). So what does Bond do instead of have sex with her? He blows her up with a surface-to-air missile. Which is the kind of sadistic shit you usually associate with Kim Jong Un.

17. Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood): in Diamonds are Forever 

Yet another very rare second-billed Bond Girl that Bond doesn't actually sleep with. She's a gold-digging girl that Bond meets at a casino, but just as Bond is about to seal the deal with some sex... she gets thrown out the window. Ouch. This means that James Bond only has sex with one woman in this film (Jill St. John's Tiffany Case). What's wrong old man Connery, slowing down?

16. Andrea Anders (Maud Adams) in The Man with the Golden Gun

Scaramanga's mistress who Bond Seduces. Maud Adams actually comes back to play a different character in the titular role in Octopussy, where she's elevated from second-billed Bond Girl to first-billed. I guess that's career movement.

15. Rosie Carver (Gloria Hendry) in Live and Let Die

This picture could not be more "from 1973" if it tried.

A rogue CIA agent who is secretly an underling of Kananga, aka "Mr. Big", who sends her to kill 007. In Roger Moore's first appearance, Bond finally goes for the chocolate. She loves that James Bond D so much that she begins to tell him the truth, which of course leads her to be killed by Kananga. If you're noticing a trend of low-ranking Bond Girls being from these Roger Moore films... congratulations. Roger Moore films are terrible, and thus so will the secondary bond girls be. 

14. Corinne Dufouin (Corinne Cléry) in Moonraker 

Drax's personal pilot, a French woman who isn't exactly a henchwoman. She doesn't know too much about Drax's evil deeds, and seems to just be an employee with the misfortune of being hired by the wrong boss. After Bond seduces her and she inadvertently helps him out, Drax decides to have her chased down and eaten alive by his dogs. That's rough. Corinne is played by an actress named Corinne... which is just lazy writing. But not as lazy as the name of the highest-billed Bond Girl, Lois Chiles's Holly Goodhead. Ugh. Goodhead? Really?

13. Strawberry Fields (Gemma Arterton) in Quantum of Solace

A British MI6 intelligence agent stationed in Boliva. She meets James Bond at the airport, gets into an argument with him, and then they go back to a hotel and have sex after knowing each other for about an hour. She eventually gets murdered and dipped in oil, in what is a clear homage to Jill Masterson in Goldfinger (see below). Interestingly, James Bond never actually beds the main Bond Girl in this film, Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko). I mean maybe they bang after the credits, but that doesn't count.

12. Solange Dimitrios (Caterina Murino) in Casino Royale

The wife of Alex Dimitrios, a contractor in the international terrorist underworld and associate of the main villain, Le Chiffre. Bond, as usual, uses his penis to cause her to reveal the bad guys' plans... which in turn gets her tortured and killed. Good work (as usual) getting girls murdered, James.

11. Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike) in Die Another Day 

Oh. Spoiler Alert: She dies.

An undercover MI6 agent who just happens to also be the 2000 Sydney Olympics Gold-Medal Winner for fencing in individual épée.  It doesn't make sense that you'd be a world famous Gold Medal-winning Olympic athlete and ALSO an intelligence agent. Also, I have to wonder what the hell the REAL 2000 Sydney Olympics individual female épée gold medalist (Tímea Nagy of Hungary) thinks about having her medal given to Rosamund Pike. Oh, and also in the film she winds up being an evil double agent. Why? Because the main villain (who is either a Korean guy or Richard Branson, whatever) helped murder Frost's primary competition to make sure that she won the medal. Frost's role is almost identical to the "fake out Bond Girl who turns out to be a major villain" in the movie immediately before this one, The World Is Not Enough, which is sort of lame. In that one, the villainess got higher billing. But in this one, Rosamund Pike sunk to secondary billing because, you know, Halle Berry.

10. Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher) in Tomorrow Never Dies 

Bond's former girlfriend who now, by total coincidence, has become the (doomed) trophy wife of the man who Bond is investigating - Elliot Carver (a psychopathic version of Ted Turner who plans to create a global war to boost ratings of his news empire). Most people forget that Teri Hatcher wasn't the main Bond Girl. That was actually Michelle Yeoh as Colonel Wai Lin. Teri Hatcher was a super hot commodity at the time of this movie, so points there.

9. Lucia Sciarrain (Monica Bellucci) in Spectre 

The wife of assassin and SPECTRE agent Marco Sciarra. Bond murders her husband in Mexico and then goes to his funeral in Italy. Afterwards he seduces her. Which is really messed up way to meet a girl. Murder her husband so you can meet her at the funeral? That's cold, even for James Bond. Now... another note on this one... Monica Bellucci is billed beneath both first-billed actress (and main Bond Girl) Léa Seydoux as Dr. Madeleine Swann, as well as Naomie Harris's returning (from Skyfall) Eve Moneypenny. But in THIS FILM, unlike in Skyfall, Moneypenny returns to her traditional role as office secretary who sort of flirts with Bond, but isn't a "Bond Girl." See #7 below for more.

8. Lupe Lamorain (Talisa Soto) in License to Kill 

Narco Kingpin Franz Sanchez's girlfriend who has romantic feelings for Bond, but winds up with the President of the fictional Central American country of Isthmus. Look, no offense to the main Bond Girl (Carey Lowell of later Law & Order fame), but Lupe is so much hotter than her. When James had to choose between the two, that should have been a no-brainer. Although it's not like choosing to be with one in the end of the film really matters, as James immediately discards all women and moves on in the next film.  Anyway, good work hooking up with a head-of-state, Lupe. This is the only Bond Girl who, presumably, winds up as a First Lady.

Yep. Still hot.

7. Sévérine (Bérénice Marlohe) in Skyfall

Rogue MI6 agent Raoul Silva's associate and mistress, who winds up sleeping with Bond twice before dying in a drinking game. Marlohe gets billing under Naomi Harris, who plays an MI6 agent named "Eve." Of course, the twist in the movie is that Eve is really "Eve Moneypenny," and didn't I make a rule about not counting Moneypenny? I did, but it's different in this film because her character is actually treated as a Bond Girl. So since Harris is ranked higher and Marlohe is ranked lower, the latter becomes the second-billed Bond Girl for this movie. Got it?  Sévérine is mainly ranked up this high at 7 because GOD, SHE IS SO HOT.

6. Sylvia Trench (Eunice Gayson) in From Russia with Love 

The second highest billed Bond love interest in this film was Sylvia Trench, who was a recurring character from the first Bond film, Dr. No.  She returns, making her the first (and one of the only ever) recurring love interests of Bond in different films. In Dr. No, she is the one who first introduces herself as "Trench, Sylvia Trench." When James Bond introduces his name for the first time - he's only copying her. So she's pretty important! Important enough for Bond to stay loyal and dedicated to? Of course not. Because in this film he also sleeps with Russian spy Tatiana Romanova. Oh, and he has a three-way with some gypsy girls. Yep. That happens. For her legacy of setting up the famous Bond phrase and for being a repeat Bond Girl... she gets ranked high! 

5. Helga Brandt AKA Number 11 (Karin Dor) in You Only Live Twice 

Mr. Osato is a Japanese businessman working for SPECTRE, and his secretary just happens to be a SPECTRE assassin. Not just any SPECTRE assassin. This girl is Number 11 in SPECTRE. Wow. Way to go, James! Oh, James has slept with SPECTRE girls (like Miss Taro; and Fiona Volpe, directly below) before this. But those were just lower-ranking spies. This time he's infiltrating the top of the organization. With his penis. She's essentially Fioana Volpe with a different name though, exactly one move later. So let's talk about her instead now.

4. Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) in Thunderball

Evil. But Bond had to bang her. FOR ENGLAND.

A SPECTRE agent and hot-ass ginger who becomes François Derval's (the brother of the main Bond girl, Domino) mistress and later serves as main villain Largo's henchwoman in Nassau. Bond sleeps with her in a bathtub. Which is the second girl he sleeps with in a bathtub in this film, since he already slept with Patricia, a physiotherapist at a spa. Is this some sort of swingers' spa club film or something? Anyway, Fiona Volpe is AWESOME and super evil. Did I mention that she has a motor cycle that can shoot missiles? Because she does. She is one of the best Bond Femme Fatales out there. Bond eventually decides to use her as a human shield though, and swings her body in the way of bullets (from her own men) to protect himself. Which, I believe, is the first time Bond kills a woman in the films. Although technically her own men kill her. I guess.

3. May Day (Grace Jones) in A View to a Kill 

A rare case where the second-billed Bond Girl is far, far more memorable than the first-billed Bond Girl. The main Bond Girl was that annoying little blonde girl... what's her name? You don't care. I don't care. Nobody cares about the blonde girl that James Bond wound up with at the end of the movie. Why? Because this movie had Grace. Fucking. Jones. May Day was (per usual) the villain Zorin's lover and chief henchwoman. But she also seemingly possessed superhuman strength and shouted shit like, "Do you even lift, bro?" In the end she defies Zorin and joins team Bond. But of course she gets blown up by a bomb. Oh well. That's sort of just what happens to second-billed Bond Girls that are the villain's henchwoman.

2. Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton) in Goldfinger 

Goldfinger's aide-de-camp, whom Bond catches when she's helping Goldfinger cheat at cards. He distracts her with sex and Goldfinger loses. Haha. Hilarious! Except for afterwards when Bond leaves and Goldfinger MURDERS HER by painting her entire body in gold so that she dies of "skin suffocation" (which is bullshit science, by the way... but hardly the most bullshitty thing in this movie). Despite her limited screen time in the film as a throwaway Bond Girl to get murdered... Jill Masterson is, of course, iconic. The picture of her painted in gold was on the cover of Life Magazine. But she's still only the secondary Bond Girl in this film to Honor Blackman's Pussy Galore. I didn't need to say that. I just wanted to say Pussy Galore. There. I did it again.

Leaving a wake of crushed skulls.

1. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) in GoldenEye 

Alec Trevelyan's (Sean Bean as a villainous 006) henchwoman. She is a Georgian (the country, not the one with Atlanta) S&M enthusiast and serial killer who enjoys torturing her enemies by crushing their heads in between her thighs. What a way to go! Have Famke Janssen crush your head in-between her thighs? Look, I'm not sure there is any "good" way to die. But if I could pick a way to die... this would be it. Again, one of the rare-ish circumstances where the second-billed Bond Girl is so much more famous and memorable than the main one. Also, it's Famke Janssen. Do I need to say any more than that?  #1!!!

Ed Ranks Sedimentary Rocks

Sedimentary rocks are types of rock that are formed by the deposition and subsequent cementation of materials at the Earth's surface and within bodies of water. Are you stoked for this list now or what?


4. "Other" Rock

Rock that was made by an asteroid fucking everything up.
RIP Dinosaurs.

That's right, scientists are lazy sons of bitches too.  Scientists decided to classify sedimentary rocks based on their origin. There are three main origins for these rocks, which you'll see below.  But a few types of sedimentary rocks form in ways OUTSIDE of these three ways. So the scientists threw their hands in the air and said, "fuck it, let's just create a category called 'Other' and go home for the day." They then did exactly that. "Other" types of rocks of sedimentary origin include Pyroclastic flows (fast-moving currents of hot gas and volcanic matter), impact breccias (caused by comet/asteroid impacts), and volcanic breccias (lava mixing with the existing rocks).

3. Chemical Rock

Chemical rock comes into existence when minerals in a solution become supersaturated and "inorganically precipitate," roughly meaning that they become a solid. Common chemical sedimentary rocks include "oolitic" limestone and rocks composed of water-soluble minerals, including rock salt, sylvite, barite and gypsum. If you know what those things are, chances you were one of those guys like my little brother who collected rocks as a kid. So he might totally be into this ranking. I don't know.

2. Clastic Rock

Mmm yeah, that's some good clastic rock there.

No, not CLASSIC rock. Clastic. With a "T."  Clastic sedimentary rocks are composed of other rock fragments that were cemented by silicate minerals. Examples of those rocks include quartz, clay minerals, mica, and some shit called "feldspar." That's right. Feldspar. I know that sounds like some sort of character from the 1970's version of Battlestar Gallactica. But it's not. It's a group of rock-forming, crystallized tectosilicate minerals that make up around 40% of the Earth's continental crust by weight. The most famous types of Clastic Rocks? Sandstones, mudrocks, conglomerates and breccias. The worst type of clastic rock is the band Rush. Rush is awful and Geddy Lee sounds like a stray cat yowling in the night.

1. Biochemical Rock

These are created when when living plant and animal organisms use materials dissolved in air or water to build their tissue. Examples include limestone (most limestone comes from the calcareous skeletons of organisms such as corals, mollusks, and foraminifera), coal ( plants that have removed carbon from the atmosphere and combined it with other elements to build their tissue), and chert (which contains fossils, the most notable type of chert being flint).  Why is this the most awesome and #1 ranked sedimentary rock? Because these rocks used to be living things. But now they are rock. That's sort of epic, right? Like Medusa turning people into stone. But... you know... in a science-ey way and with less snakes. I hate snakes.

Ed Ranks Mad Scientists

Ah, Mad Scientists! Those lovable maniacs who want to destroy all of mankind with their zany antics (or, at the very least, are morally ambivalent to the collateral damage of the creations they make even if their intent is not destruction itself).

I'm going to rank them -- but a quick disclaimer! I'm not sure what your definition of a "mad scientist" is, but while doing some research I saw a lot of people mentioning Doc Brown (Back to the Future) and Bunsen Honeydew (The Muppets) as "mad scientists."  I'd say they are really more "absent minded professors" by my definition, which is a totally different thing.

Another disclaimer - there are no females on this list. Don't blame me for being sexist for a female-less list of mad scientists. Blame society and pop culture for not creating any. Can you name one?

Dr. Wu, founder of the Wu Tang Clan.
Or not.

25. Dr. Henry Wu (Jurassic Park / Jurassic World) - This is a bit of a sleeper one here, hence the low ranking. In the first Jurassic Park, Henry Wu was barely a bit character, and he certainly didn't have any tell-tale marks of a mad scientist. But by the time the Jurassic World reboot of the series rolled around, he returned in a slighter bigger role and... yep... this guy is clearly willing to do morally objectionable things with DNA for profit. He's no longer just a misguided guy who thought he was helping out with a theme park.

24. Doctor Sivana (Captain Marvel AKA Shazam) - There are a lot of mad scientists in comic books. This is one of the better ones.

23. Simon Bar Sinister (Underdog) - Underdog's nemesis was a definite mad scientist. But you know what's even madder than his plans to kill Underdog? His decision not to pluck those eyebrows. Yikes, man. Anthony Davis at his worst never looked that rough.

22. Dexter (Dexter's Laboratory) - Can a small child be a mad scientist? Yes, obviously. Because I'm including him here.

21. Dr. Putrid T. Gangrene (Return of the Killer Tomatoes!) - Look, this is PROBABLY going to be the most obscure one on the list. Dr. Gangrene is the villain in Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, a 1988 B-Movie Sequel to the 1970s C-Movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!  If you remember the Killer Tomatoes cartoon show in the early 90's, it was based more on this sequel than it was the original movie. This is a bad movie... but it's bad in a good way. Dr. Gangrene is played by a super over-the-top John Astin (Gomez from the Addams Family) and his send-up is great.

20. Dr. Weird (Aqua Teen Hunger Force) - Dr. Weird was in pre-title opening sequences in this TV show, but only on a rare occasion did his evil creations or anything he was up to actually have any role in the episode itself. It was usually just a nonsensical throw-away joke for a nonsensical show.

19. Dr. Robotnik AKA Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog) - This guy was Sonic's enemy in the video games and cartoon show. He, as his name would imply, is always going around and inventing evil robots.

Ha! One is short and one is tall. Classic.

18. Dr. Miguelito Loveless (The Wild Wild West) - I just want to specify that I'm talking about the classic 1960s Western-Comedy TV show here. Not the 1990s Will Smith movie that remade it. In the TV show, Dr. Loveless was an AWESOME mad scientist.  In the movie, he was a racist Kenneth Branagh with spider legs. Which is stupid.

17. Old School Lex Luther (Superman) - Just to be clear, I absolutely LOVE the rebooted Lex Luthor who is now more of an ruthless businessman than a mad scientist. The 1990s Superman: The Animated Series version of him, which has almost no mad scientist traits, is the best version. But still... there is a small place in my heart for the old-school (Silver Age, it's usually called in comics) purple-and-green mad scientist Luthor.  I think we can all agree that the versions of Lex Luthor in all the Superman movies are just horrible.

16. Dr. Mindbender (GI Joe) - I just talked about this guy recently, so no reason for me to talk too much about him again.

15. Rotwang (Metropolis) - Rotwang invented the first evil female sexbot in history, and TV and movies have loved using gynoids ever since. So thank you, Rotwang. Although we suppose your plans were less about "ruling the world" and more about "infiltrating an emerging labor union to spy on its inner workings and disrupt probable worker strikes". Still, you gotta start your plans somewhere. If you jump right to taking over the world, you're destined for failure. Start with infiltrating unions and work your way up from there slowly. Good plan, Rotwang. The slow burn!

14. Angry Scientist (Sheep in the Big City) - Despite continually shouting at people and telling them that he was merely an "angry scientist," Angry Scientist is definitely a mad scientist. But then again, this cartoon also features characters named "General Specific," "Private Public," "General Lee Outrageous," and "The Ranting Swede." This cartoon was great.

He looks, ah, different from other mad scientist on the ranking.

13. Dr. Frank N. Furter (The Rocky Horror Picture Show) - Dr. Frank N. Furter was indeed a mad scientist, as he was trying to create new life.  But then again, his ambition for this new life was simply to make some hunky man meat. Which I feel is even less ambitious than conquering German Expressionist labor unions.

12. Doctor Drakken (Kim Possible) - I can't actually remember any evil plans or plots that Dr. Drakken came up with, but I do know he definitely was an evil mad scientist with blue skin. Clones? I feel like maybe he must have made some clones at some point. But he also had a little pony tail too. Yikes. He's probably got to be the only mad scientist with a pony tail.

11. Qyburn (A Song of Ice and Fire) - There is indeed a distinction between "fantasy" and "sci-fi," with mad scientists usually only existing in the latter types of fiction. But the expelled Maester Qyburn from A Song of Ice and Fire seems to be the exception, as even in this fantasy series did the Maesters of Westros go, "Whoa man, this guy is some type of crazy guy trying to bring zombies back from the dead and shit. We need to kick him out of our order of scientists." And so they did. But I feel like I'll talk about this more in a different blog.

Mad scientist or possibly your high school chem teacher.

10. Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000) - Dr. Forrester is obviously a mad scientist. He's just screaming mad scientist. But his greatest experiment -- giving a man robot friends and forcing them to hilariously talk over B-Movies -- doesn't make much sense. But then again, he is "mad," so there's that.

9. Doctor "Octopus" Otto Octavius (Spider-Man) - This is the best comic book mad scientist. So there. Although now that I think about it, I'm missing Mr. Freeze. Whatever. I'm not going back and re-doing this list now.

8. Mojo Jojo (The Powerpuff Girls) - Mojo Jojo was always trying to take over the world (or maybe just Townsville) with his mad scientist schemes, typically having something do to with Chemical X or giant destructo-rays.

7. Doctor Krieger (Archer) - Mad? Check. Scientist? Check? Nazi? Check. That's the trifecta.

6. Doctor Moreau (The Island Of Doctor Moreau) - H.G. Wells' greatest mad scientist. "But what about Dr. Jekyll?", you might be saying right now.  Well, that was actually Robert Louis Stevenson. But don't feel bad. Everyone gets confused with that one.

5. Dr. Henry Jekyll (Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde) - As mentioned.

4. Davros (Doctor Who) - Well, this guy mutated the Kaled race after a period of thousands of years of endless war in an attempt to make the "perfect" being and master race, the Daleks. But he's absolutely blameless for Alanis Morissette.

"Strangelove" is an unfortunate family name.
But I guess it's better than "Rotwang."

3. Doctor Strangelove (Doctor Strangelove) - Mad? Check. Scientist? Check? Nazi? Check. That's the trifecta. Again.

2. Dr. Herbert West (Reanimator) - Leave it to H.P. Lovecraft (inventor of H.P. brown sauce, as well as the CYCLOPEAN DREAD OF ACCURSED NAMELESS EDRITCH HORRORS) to create Dr. Herbert West, a really messed up guy who liked to bring people back from the dead.  He's have been a footnote in Lovecraft's short story history without the 1980s horror film Re-Animator, in which Jeffrey Combs shot him out into cult pop culture notoriety.  

1. Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus) - The progenitor of mad scientists.  There really would be no mad scientists without this mad scientist. All previous mad scientists are a little bit of a rip-off of this one. And remember everyone, FRANKENSTEIN IS THE DOCTOR'S NAME! NOT THE MONSTER!

Ed Ranks the First 10 Songs that Come Up on Random Play

Let's hit "random play" on my iPhone and see what the first ten songs that come up are. And then I will rank them! How about that, huh? I hope Carly Rae Jepsen doesn't come up. That would be so embarrassing!

Old drug addict Elvis is the best Elvis.

10. (Marie's the Name Of) His Latest Flame by Elvis Presley - Look, don't make fun of me for having Elvis on my iPhone. Elvis is great. Just because I have Elvis on my phone doesn't make me a loser. Elvis is timeless. Is this particular song timeless? No. I lazily just downloaded an Elvis "Greatest Hits" album several years ago to get a bunch of songs that I wanted because the math was better to download an entire album of songs rather than paying .99$ a piece for the ones I wanted.  Along with the ones I wanted came this one. Which I skip every time it comes on. You know what I never skip? Suspicious Minds. That one is the best. You know what song unfortunately wasn't on the greatest hits album? This classic.

9. Charlie by Red Hot Chili Peppers - I just had a ranking where I talked about a random Red Hot Chili Peppers song. It wasn't this one. Again, this is a song I only have on my phone because I downloaded the entire album. It's not necessarily a hit or anything too good. I mean it's okay, I guess. More really album filler than anything else.

8. Feel the Burn by Fozzy - This song is by the Chris Jericho-fronted (of WCW/WWF/WWE) heavy metal band Fozzy. It's from their first album, which is sort of a gimmicky cover-band album. The gimmick was that Fozzy had been around for decades and that they actually created and wrote all the songs they were covering, but they had been exiled to Japan and all these other bands (Dio, Krokus, Twisted Sister, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Ozzy, Scorpions, Judas Priest) stole their songs and took credit.  It was kind of funny, but Fozzy eventually dropped the gimmick and just started being a standard metal band that did their own songs. Even with this album there were a few non-covers, such as this one. It's just okay. Nothing special.

7.  Don't Damn Me by Guns N' Roses - A deep cut from one of the 16 songs on Use Your Illusion I. It's not even close to the best song on the album, but it's not the worst. Would you like me to rank the songs on Use Your Illusion? Well, I won't. Just go here.

6. Sold Me by Seether - As with many of the others, this is a non-single that I have on my phone simply because I have the whole album (in this case, Disclaimer II). That album was a remix album of their original Disclaimer, and this was one of the few "new" songs rather than a remix. The song is pretty good. Every Seether song is pretty good (sorry if you think I'm a basic bitch for that opinion). My favorite part of the song is the part of the chorus that goes "And you moved me, and you soothed me, and you fought me," which until I just looked it up I thought was "and you fucked me." Well, that completely changes the meaning of those lyrics.

But the album cover is, as always, impeccable.

5. Bring Your Daughter... To the Slaughter by Iron Maiden - Okay, I'll admit it. This song is pretty cheesy garbage that was written specifically for A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child. Bruce Dickinson claims that he wrote the song in three minutes, which is completely believable if you listen to it. Look, it's really hard for me to call any Iron Maiden song "terrible." But this is sort of terrible. For Iron Maiden. Yet out of principle I refuse to rank it any lower than 5 because it is Iron Maiden, after all. 

4. It's Been Awhile by Staind - This is probably Staind's most famous song, at least in terms of commercial popularity (it hit #5 on the Billboard Charts in 2001). What's the song about? Well, it is a rock song so I imagine it's about past relationships and addiction. Isn't that what most rock songs are about?

3. One Step Closer by Linkin Park - RIP Chester Bennington. Apparently he did break after all. Maybe after seeing his frosted blonde tips in this song's music video. Yikes. The year 2000 is hard to look back at sometimes.

2. Another One Bites the Dust by Queen - The bass line in this is one of the greatest bass lines in the history of rock. You really can't argue with that. And do you know how epic this song is? There is a Weird Al cover of it (Another One Rides the Bus).  Once Weird Al covers your song, you know it's a smash hit.

Subtlety, thy name is Metallica Album Cover.

1. Fade to Black by Metallica - This one isn't really fair. For a Metallica song from Ride the Lightning to come up as one of the ten songs on random play, none of the nine other songs really had a chance. Unless one of the other nine songs would have had the good fortune to have been from Master of Puppets. That would have been tough, depending on which song it was. Fade to Black would have probably still won though. Fade to Black is awesome. Metallica power ballads are awesome. Fun Fact: this is the song that Metallica was playing at Olympic Stadium in 1992 when James Hetfield stepped into the path of the stage pyrotechnics and set himself on fire. It's also the most commonly played "last song" on rock/metal radio stations when they are forced to change format. Now you know.