Ed Ranks the Second-Billed Bond Girls

Four Bond Girls who DO NOT APPEAR on this list.
These are First-Billed Bond Girls. Duh.

I've ranked James Bond movies before. So how about I rank Bond Girls? But I'm sure somebody else has already done that. So maybe that's a bit boring.

Given that, instead of ranking the MAIN Bond girl in each film, I will rank the Bond Girl with the second-highest billing. A few ground rules:

• No, Judy Dench as "M" doesn't count. That would just be weird. I'm talking about James Bond's love interests (hence Second-Billed Bond Girls... not the second highest-billed actress in the film). 
• I suppose I'll also exempt Ms. Moneypenny as well. Just because he flirted with her didn't make her a love interest. Well. Until Skyfall. But that's different. We'll talk about Skyfall when we get to Skyfall.
• Villainesses count. The Bond Girl can wind up being evil, but she still counts as a Bond Girl. In fact, a good chunk of these are bad, bad girls. That's just how Bond films work.
• Of course shitty non-Eon Bond films don't count, so don't even try to go there. 

24. Miss Taro (Zena Marshall) in Dr. No

Yikes.

The secretary to Mr. Pleydell-Smith at Government House in Kingston, who winds up being a double agent working for Dr. No. The main bond girl in Dr. No is, of course, Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder.  Miss Taro is billed slightly higher than Sylvia Trench (we'll get to her later). But for now I suppose we're not talking about Sylvia Trench. We're talking about Miss Taro. Miss Taro is a terrible character because she's a Chinese character played in yellow-face by a White actress. Oof. The 60's were kind of rough. But things will get worse before they get better (You Only Live Twice). Being the first ever duplicitous Bond girl that is revealed to be a traitor helped create this as a stock character in Bond films. Am I going to give Zena Marshall props for that? No. I'm going to rank her last because SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE ASIAN! (very poorly... not that doing it well would be good either)

23. Either "Girl on Yacht" (Kell Tyler) or Rubavitch (Virginia Hey) in The Living Daylights 

Look, this one is sort of hard. I'm not even sure if there IS a second-billed Bond Girl in this movie. The main Bond Girl, Maryam d'Abo's Kara Milovy, is pretty much the lead girl throughout the film. That leaves our options as an unnamed girl on a yacht played by Kell Tyler (who Bond has sex with) and  KGB Head General Pushkin's secretary, Rubavitc. The Rubavitc character is (obviously) billed higher than the unnamed Girl on Yacht, what with her being important enough to get a name. But she doesn't have sex with Bond. HOWEVER, she is involved in a convoluted scene where Bond strips her naked in a hotel room in order to distract Gimli's security guard. Does stripping the KGB Head's secretary naked turn her into a Bond Girl? I'm going to lazily say, "maybe" and move on with the list. Either way, this one obviously ranks very low.

22. Magda (Kristina Wayborn) in Octopussy

A henchwoman of Octopussy (a jewel smuggler and not-quite-villain) and Khamal Khan (an exiled Afghan prince who serves as the actual villain of the film). Magda has special skills, such as the ability to belly dance so well that she's able to take over a castle by doing it. I am not lying. She belly dances her way into conquering a castle. Which I hear might also be how Saladin won the Siege of Jerusalem in 1187. She's ranked low because almost everything about the film Octopussy is terrible and the film largely completely forgets about her existence as soon as the title character is introduced.

21. Ruby Bartlett (Angela Scoular) in On Her Majesty's Secret Service 

An English girl at Blofeld's clinic who is suffering from an allergy to chickens. Secretly, she's being brainwashed by Blofeld to become an "Angel of Death" to spread his Virus Omega.  That's right, even in the same James Bond film where he falls in love and gets married to Countess Tracy di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg) - he still can't keep it in his pants. Not a very memorable Bond Girl, and she's only the "secondary" Bond girl because the actress just happened to be billed right above another Angel of Death character (Nancy) that Bond sleeps with at the clinic.

20. Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) in The World Is Not Enough

A nuclear physicist. Obviously.

Okay, this was another tough/difficult one to figure out who was even the "second-billed" Bond Girl. By most standard definitions and Bond film cliches, Dr. Christmas Jones is "the" Bond Girl in the film. She's the one who DOESN'T wind up being evil or a henchwoman. She survives to the end of the film and is the subject of a terrible sex pun as the movie closes. On the other hand, Elektra King (played by Sophie Marceau), is the one who DOES wind up being bad... in fact, she's not just a henchwoman... she winds up being the main villain of the film. But the film initially sets her up to make her seem like she's "the" Bond Girl (a kidnapped damsel in distress who Bond has to save and bed). This intentional inversion of the traditional Bond Girl to make her the villain calls into question which one is the "main" Bond Girl and which one is the "secondary." In the end, Sophie Marceau has higher billing... so we'll just go ahead and say that Denise is secondary. She's still terrible and miscast in this. 

19. Countess Lisl von Schlaf (Cassandra Harris) in For Your Eyes Only 

Milos Columbo's mistress (but not a very good Mistress, if she's sleeping with other guys). No, that jailbait figure skater doesn't count, even though she's billed higher. You can't be a Bond Girl if Bond isn't interested in you. And while Bond isn't exactly a champion of women's liberation... he's no cradle robber either. Fun fact... actress Cassandra Harris was married to Pierce Brosnan. That's all I have to say about her otherwise unmemorable appearance.

18.  Naomi (Caroline Munro) in The Spy Who Loved Me

A rare example where Bond doesn't actually sleep with the second-billed Bond Girl.  Naomi is the villain Karl Stromberg's seductive helicopter pilot, personal assistant and henchwoman, based at his lair called "Atlantis." Bond flirts with her a whole lot, much to the annoyance and jealousy of the top-billed Bond Girl, Russian spy Anya Amasova/Agent Triple X (who he does end up bedding, of course). So what does Bond do instead of have sex with her? He blows her up with a surface-to-air missile. Which is the kind of sadistic shit you usually associate with Kim Jong Un.

17. Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood): in Diamonds are Forever 

Yet another very rare second-billed Bond Girl that Bond doesn't actually sleep with. She's a gold-digging girl that Bond meets at a casino, but just as Bond is about to seal the deal with some sex... she gets thrown out the window. Ouch. This means that James Bond only has sex with one woman in this film (Jill St. John's Tiffany Case). What's wrong old man Connery, slowing down?

16. Andrea Anders (Maud Adams) in The Man with the Golden Gun

Scaramanga's mistress who Bond Seduces. Maud Adams actually comes back to play a different character in the titular role in Octopussy, where she's elevated from second-billed Bond Girl to first-billed. I guess that's career movement.

15. Rosie Carver (Gloria Hendry) in Live and Let Die

This picture could not be more "from 1973" if it tried.

A rogue CIA agent who is secretly an underling of Kananga, aka "Mr. Big", who sends her to kill 007. In Roger Moore's first appearance, Bond finally goes for the chocolate. She loves that James Bond D so much that she begins to tell him the truth, which of course leads her to be killed by Kananga. If you're noticing a trend of low-ranking Bond Girls being from these Roger Moore films... congratulations. Roger Moore films are terrible, and thus so will the secondary bond girls be. 

14. Corinne Dufouin (Corinne Cléry) in Moonraker 

Drax's personal pilot, a French woman who isn't exactly a henchwoman. She doesn't know too much about Drax's evil deeds, and seems to just be an employee with the misfortune of being hired by the wrong boss. After Bond seduces her and she inadvertently helps him out, Drax decides to have her chased down and eaten alive by his dogs. That's rough. Corinne is played by an actress named Corinne... which is just lazy writing. But not as lazy as the name of the highest-billed Bond Girl, Lois Chiles's Holly Goodhead. Ugh. Goodhead? Really?

13. Strawberry Fields (Gemma Arterton) in Quantum of Solace

A British MI6 intelligence agent stationed in Boliva. She meets James Bond at the airport, gets into an argument with him, and then they go back to a hotel and have sex after knowing each other for about an hour. She eventually gets murdered and dipped in oil, in what is a clear homage to Jill Masterson in Goldfinger (see below). Interestingly, James Bond never actually beds the main Bond Girl in this film, Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko). I mean maybe they bang after the credits, but that doesn't count.

12. Solange Dimitrios (Caterina Murino) in Casino Royale

The wife of Alex Dimitrios, a contractor in the international terrorist underworld and associate of the main villain, Le Chiffre. Bond, as usual, uses his penis to cause her to reveal the bad guys' plans... which in turn gets her tortured and killed. Good work (as usual) getting girls murdered, James.

11. Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike) in Die Another Day 

Oh. Spoiler Alert: She dies.

An undercover MI6 agent who just happens to also be the 2000 Sydney Olympics Gold-Medal Winner for fencing in individual épée.  It doesn't make sense that you'd be a world famous Gold Medal-winning Olympic athlete and ALSO an intelligence agent. Also, I have to wonder what the hell the REAL 2000 Sydney Olympics individual female épée gold medalist (Tímea Nagy of Hungary) thinks about having her medal given to Rosamund Pike. Oh, and also in the film she winds up being an evil double agent. Why? Because the main villain (who is either a Korean guy or Richard Branson, whatever) helped murder Frost's primary competition to make sure that she won the medal. Frost's role is almost identical to the "fake out Bond Girl who turns out to be a major villain" in the movie immediately before this one, The World Is Not Enough, which is sort of lame. In that one, the villainess got higher billing. But in this one, Rosamund Pike sunk to secondary billing because, you know, Halle Berry.

10. Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher) in Tomorrow Never Dies 

Bond's former girlfriend who now, by total coincidence, has become the (doomed) trophy wife of the man who Bond is investigating - Elliot Carver (a psychopathic version of Ted Turner who plans to create a global war to boost ratings of his news empire). Most people forget that Teri Hatcher wasn't the main Bond Girl. That was actually Michelle Yeoh as Colonel Wai Lin. Teri Hatcher was a super hot commodity at the time of this movie, so points there.

9. Lucia Sciarrain (Monica Bellucci) in Spectre 

The wife of assassin and SPECTRE agent Marco Sciarra. Bond murders her husband in Mexico and then goes to his funeral in Italy. Afterwards he seduces her. Which is really messed up way to meet a girl. Murder her husband so you can meet her at the funeral? That's cold, even for James Bond. Now... another note on this one... Monica Bellucci is billed beneath both first-billed actress (and main Bond Girl) Léa Seydoux as Dr. Madeleine Swann, as well as Naomie Harris's returning (from Skyfall) Eve Moneypenny. But in THIS FILM, unlike in Skyfall, Moneypenny returns to her traditional role as office secretary who sort of flirts with Bond, but isn't a "Bond Girl." See #7 below for more.

8. Lupe Lamorain (Talisa Soto) in License to Kill 

Narco Kingpin Franz Sanchez's girlfriend who has romantic feelings for Bond, but winds up with the President of the fictional Central American country of Isthmus. Look, no offense to the main Bond Girl (Carey Lowell of later Law & Order fame), but Lupe is so much hotter than her. When James had to choose between the two, that should have been a no-brainer. Although it's not like choosing to be with one in the end of the film really matters, as James immediately discards all women and moves on in the next film.  Anyway, good work hooking up with a head-of-state, Lupe. This is the only Bond Girl who, presumably, winds up as a First Lady.

Yep. Still hot.

7. Sévérine (Bérénice Marlohe) in Skyfall

Rogue MI6 agent Raoul Silva's associate and mistress, who winds up sleeping with Bond twice before dying in a drinking game. Marlohe gets billing under Naomi Harris, who plays an MI6 agent named "Eve." Of course, the twist in the movie is that Eve is really "Eve Moneypenny," and didn't I make a rule about not counting Moneypenny? I did, but it's different in this film because her character is actually treated as a Bond Girl. So since Harris is ranked higher and Marlohe is ranked lower, the latter becomes the second-billed Bond Girl for this movie. Got it?  Sévérine is mainly ranked up this high at 7 because GOD, SHE IS SO HOT.

6. Sylvia Trench (Eunice Gayson) in From Russia with Love 

The second highest billed Bond love interest in this film was Sylvia Trench, who was a recurring character from the first Bond film, Dr. No.  She returns, making her the first (and one of the only ever) recurring love interests of Bond in different films. In Dr. No, she is the one who first introduces herself as "Trench, Sylvia Trench." When James Bond introduces his name for the first time - he's only copying her. So she's pretty important! Important enough for Bond to stay loyal and dedicated to? Of course not. Because in this film he also sleeps with Russian spy Tatiana Romanova. Oh, and he has a three-way with some gypsy girls. Yep. That happens. For her legacy of setting up the famous Bond phrase and for being a repeat Bond Girl... she gets ranked high! 

5. Helga Brandt AKA Number 11 (Karin Dor) in You Only Live Twice 

Mr. Osato is a Japanese businessman working for SPECTRE, and his secretary just happens to be a SPECTRE assassin. Not just any SPECTRE assassin. This girl is Number 11 in SPECTRE. Wow. Way to go, James! Oh, James has slept with SPECTRE girls (like Miss Taro; and Fiona Volpe, directly below) before this. But those were just lower-ranking spies. This time he's infiltrating the top of the organization. With his penis. She's essentially Fioana Volpe with a different name though, exactly one move later. So let's talk about her instead now.

4. Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) in Thunderball

Evil. But Bond had to bang her. FOR ENGLAND.

A SPECTRE agent and hot-ass ginger who becomes François Derval's (the brother of the main Bond girl, Domino) mistress and later serves as main villain Largo's henchwoman in Nassau. Bond sleeps with her in a bathtub. Which is the second girl he sleeps with in a bathtub in this film, since he already slept with Patricia, a physiotherapist at a spa. Is this some sort of swingers' spa club film or something? Anyway, Fiona Volpe is AWESOME and super evil. Did I mention that she has a motor cycle that can shoot missiles? Because she does. She is one of the best Bond Femme Fatales out there. Bond eventually decides to use her as a human shield though, and swings her body in the way of bullets (from her own men) to protect himself. Which, I believe, is the first time Bond kills a woman in the films. Although technically her own men kill her. I guess.

3. May Day (Grace Jones) in A View to a Kill 

A rare case where the second-billed Bond Girl is far, far more memorable than the first-billed Bond Girl. The main Bond Girl was that annoying little blonde girl... what's her name? You don't care. I don't care. Nobody cares about the blonde girl that James Bond wound up with at the end of the movie. Why? Because this movie had Grace. Fucking. Jones. May Day was (per usual) the villain Zorin's lover and chief henchwoman. But she also seemingly possessed superhuman strength and shouted shit like, "Do you even lift, bro?" In the end she defies Zorin and joins team Bond. But of course she gets blown up by a bomb. Oh well. That's sort of just what happens to second-billed Bond Girls that are the villain's henchwoman.

2. Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton) in Goldfinger 

Goldfinger's aide-de-camp, whom Bond catches when she's helping Goldfinger cheat at cards. He distracts her with sex and Goldfinger loses. Haha. Hilarious! Except for afterwards when Bond leaves and Goldfinger MURDERS HER by painting her entire body in gold so that she dies of "skin suffocation" (which is bullshit science, by the way... but hardly the most bullshitty thing in this movie). Despite her limited screen time in the film as a throwaway Bond Girl to get murdered... Jill Masterson is, of course, iconic. The picture of her painted in gold was on the cover of Life Magazine. But she's still only the secondary Bond Girl in this film to Honor Blackman's Pussy Galore. I didn't need to say that. I just wanted to say Pussy Galore. There. I did it again.

Leaving a wake of crushed skulls.

1. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) in GoldenEye 

Alec Trevelyan's (Sean Bean as a villainous 006) henchwoman. She is a Georgian (the country, not the one with Atlanta) S&M enthusiast and serial killer who enjoys torturing her enemies by crushing their heads in between her thighs. What a way to go! Have Famke Janssen crush your head in-between her thighs? Look, I'm not sure there is any "good" way to die. But if I could pick a way to die... this would be it. Again, one of the rare-ish circumstances where the second-billed Bond Girl is so much more famous and memorable than the main one. Also, it's Famke Janssen. Do I need to say any more than that?  #1!!!