Ed Ranks People By How Much They Should be Thrown Out of Airplanes

Should you be thrown out of one of these? Let's see!

Airplanes. These are pressurized metal death traps but you have to use them unless you're that person who has never gone anywhere three hours away from your home town your entire life. Or John Madden.  It's bad enough that you get shitty service and tiny seats... but you also have to deal with other human beings. And UGH, other human beings are just the worst.

Okay, well, most of them are fine probably but since they stuff 150 damn people on there, you know that a handful every flight are just going to be terrible people. Terrible enough so that you fantasize about opening up that emergency exit door mid-flight and throwing them out. Do you actually do it? No, of course not. You'd probably get sucked out too. Still... it's tempting.

10. Parents of Babies - I'm going to give the babies themselves a bit of a pass here because they can't help being babies. But their parents should know better. Look, once you have children you should just accept that your life is over and you're no longer allowed to travel anywhere fun. Just stay at home until your kids are about 12. Any younger than that and they're probably still in that damn "let me kick the seat in front of me" phase.

9. Aisle Seat Bladder Camel - Sometimes there are aisle seat people who never get up. To do anything. Dude - YOU HAVE AN AISLE! You're living the good life! You can go to the bathroom, you can easily access your carry-on bags above you. You can get up and stretch. You can stand up and walk around for no reason at all just because you can. Yet some of them just sit there the whole time and never get up. At least give a courtesy stand up in case the middle and window people next to you might use it as an opportunity themselves to get up. You know what? You don't DESERVE that aisle seat if you're just going to waste it.

8. Full-Time Recliner - Look, you're allowed to recline. It's fine. That's why the recline function is on the seats. The person complaining about the other person reclining on them is most often the bigger douche who just needs to accept that's how planes work and nobody is particularly comfortable. But then sometimes you get the Full-Time Recliner in front of you. They sit down and recline before the flight has even taken off. They recline when they're eating and when you're eating. They want to ALWAYS recline. WHAT THE HELL? It should be an FAA regulation that you're legally allowed to stab anyone who reclines during food service. To death. With a pen. Someone has a pen. Like, to fill out Customs forms or something.

7. Person Unable to Handle the Immense Responsibilities of Handling a Window Seat - You want to watch the plane take off and land? GREAT! That's fun. Maybe even take a video. Look at some clouds for a little bit? That's cool too! Passing over a continent and can see the ground below? Awesome. So that's what it looks like from above!  ALAS... some people don't know when to shut the windows (or in the case of new planes like Boeing Dreamliners, dim them).  Have a long flight with wonky hours so that there is limited nighttime? Some assholes keep their windows open in an otherwise pitch black cabin.  Have your window open when you're over the middle of the ocean? Do it for a few minutes and close it. There is nothing to see. The same goes for endless clouds. Looking at clouds for a little is fine but after a while it's just clouds. CLOSE IT. If you're on a flight with TV screens on the backs of seats and they specifically dim the lights and tell you to close the windows to prevent glare... what should you do? CLOSE IT, THAT'S WHAT! If you can't handle the window seat and treat it with the respect it deserves... you should be demoted to a middle seat.

Picture unrelated to any specific article content.

6. Chatty Fucking Cathy - Shut the fuck up, I don't know you. You are a stranger. Stop fucking talking to me. We are not going to become friends. I do not want to know about your life. "Cathy" doesn't mean this is necessarily a woman. This is a unisex annoyance.

5. People Who Clap When Landing- Actually, it might be okay to throw these people out of airplanes because at least you're at ground level when they start clapping. There is no risk of getting sucked out of the airplane yourself and you probably wouldn't even be committing murder. Most likely the person will probably just get several broken bones and major road rash from being thrown on the runway. And that's exactly what they deserve. How stupid is it to clap for a landing? It's a pilot doing what they're supposed to do. Land. How would you like it if someone came up to you and just clapped at you for doing your job? If someone came into my cubicle and applauded me for sending some emails on Outlook I would contemplate throwing acid in their face the next day.

4. The Rules Don't Apply to Me Guy - Unlike the above, this is almost always a guy. And not to get racial, but almost always a White guy.  He doesn't turn his phone to airplane mode when they tell him to. He stows his laptop in the seat back when they say not to. He might even still be on his cell phone and talking when they're giving the safety brief. He charges his electronics turning takeoff and landing when he's not supposed to have anything plugged in. He unbuckles his belt as soon as the plane lands before taxi-ing is complete. This is a special little flower and the rules don't apply to him because he's so fucking important.

3. Captain B.O. - Please, please, please shower before you fly and wear freshly laundered clothes. Please.

2. Space Invader - It's typical for people to complain and make jokes about fat people on flights, being overweight isn't even the biggest problem here. People of all sizes are frequently invading into your seat space and it's the worst. I get it - there will always be wars over the arm rests (general rule of thumb - let the person in the middle seat get the armrests on both sides, the window and aisle people get one arm rest each plus the better seats, so it's only fair)... but often the problem is not just people taking the armrest but going beyond it and straight up shoving an elbow several inches deep into your space. I think planes need lasers that beam light walls up from the half-way point on the arm rests to let everyone know what zones are theirs. For the first 30 minutes of the flight the lasers are just harmless light shows... indicators. After that, the lasers turn into the melty sci-fi lasers that slice you apart of you cross them.

Oh, those filthy Spanish!

1. Sick People - If you get onto a flight sick you are spreading disease into a small tube that recycles air and you will probably get everyone around you sick. We should build special compartments into planes that allow you to safely eject any sick people over the ocean (or land, whatever). If someone sneezes they better produce a signed note from a doctor saying it's just allergies.

Ed Ranks the 10 Most Tragic Life Events of Seymore D. Fair

Oh sure, everything was all fun and games for Seymore D. Fair during the 1984 Louisiana World Exposition. But what happened to the lovable Pelican mascot after the closing of the fair on November 11? Tragedy, that's what. Here are 10 completely made up and yet totally horrific life events which happened afterwards, ranked from least tragic to most tragic. 

10. Unemployment - Unemployment happens to all of us sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. As soon as the 1984 World Expo was done... we all knew its mascot would be out of work!  There were plenty of things that Seymore D. Fair could have done to bounce back. Alas, he squandered all his opportunities.

9. Forced to Wash Dishes at Dookie Chase - At the time we all laughed at this. In 1986 Seymore D. Fair didn't have any cash on him and his Diner's Club card was declined when attempting to pay for his meal at Dookie Chase - the famed Tremé creole establishment that was a major part of the Civil Rights movement a generation before. It was kind of funny that the once-famous pelican mascot now couldn't pay for a meal and had to work as a busboy and dishwasher for a few hours to pay for his meal. Boy did the local news have fun with that for a few evenings! In hindsight though... it was the first step of a life spiraling out of control.

8. Found Stealing Food from Other Birds at Audubon Zoo Aviary - Sure, everybody will recall the big story from the zoo in 1987... when an alligator nest was discovered with 18 babies with white hides, a natural mutation (different from albinism) called "leucism." Those white alligators became an instant success and symbol of the zoo! But what's less well remembered from 1987? The fact that Seymore D. Fair was found living inside the aviary, pretending to be a Taveta Golden Weaver and stealing food from other birds. Since he is a pelican it took a while for the authorities to figure it out, but he was eventually booted out of the zoo and banned from ever returning.

Seen here passed out drunk
(on a different occasion).

7. Cited for Public Intoxication on Bourbon Street - in 1991, Seymore D. Fair was cited for public intoxication (after being found passed out and covered in vomit on the corner of Bourbon and Toulouse). It sounds kind of bad, but then again it's nothing that a million drunken frat boys haven't also done. He honestly wouldn't have even been cited as this is the kind of thing that happens every single day. Unfortunately, he got belligerent with the cops and escalated the situation.

6. Caught Looting on Poydras Street during Katrina - Obviously the summer of 2005 was a rough time for New Orleans and there was a lot of tragedy. Almost completely forgotten among the other stories was the fact that Seymore D. Fair broke into a drug store on Poydras Street and stole bags and bags of prescription painkillers. After years of substance abuse it had been though that Seymore had finally cleaned up his act in 2005 - but obviously everyone was wrong about that. In light of all the other chaos going on though, Seymore wound up getting off without an arrest.

5. Slapped with a Restraining Order for Stalking Hugo the Hornet - In 2002, the Charlotte Hornets packed up and moved to the New Orleans Arena (known today as the Smoothie King Center). With the team came their buzzing mascot, Hugo. It wasn't long before Hugo had an admirer - Seymore D. Fair. But soon admiration turned into obsession. Seymore D. Fair wouldn't leave Hugo the Hornet alone. He snuck into games to see him. He wrote him fan letters. He followed him everywhere he went. When Hugo didn't respond back with the love Seymore wanted, the letters turned violent and spoke of sick, murderous fantasies about them dying together. The New Orleans Hornets obviously sent the letters to the police and Seymore D. Fair was slapped with a "Stay Away" provision that prevented him with coming within 300 feet of Hugo or the New Orleans Arena. He was also given mandatory counseling and prohibited from owning any firearms. The counseling seemed to have worked - as Seymore stayed clean for the next few years. It was only after the Katrina looting incident that people realized Seymore had relapsed.

4. Kicked out of Pat O'Brien's (and later Tujague's) for Using Racial Slurs - In a one week period between November 12 and November 18, 2006, Seymore D. Fair was famously kicked out of not only Pat O'Brien's (he obviously couldn't cold his Hurricanes)... but also famed restaurant Tujaque's. At the latter location he went on a several minute tirade that began with his dissatisfaction over the lack of spiciness of their shrimp remoulade and ended with a barrage of ethnic slurs against Blacks, Hispanics and Asians. It might have been largely forgotten, but with the new proliferation of smart phones and the meteoric rise of the new website "YouTube"earlier that year (it had been acquired by Google just a month prior) - the tirade was caught on video and shared with millions of people. It was the beginning of the end for Seymore D. Fair. Three months later, he'd be found dead.

3. Arrested/Jailed for Solicitation at The Corner Pocket - A New Orleans institution since the early 80's, filmmaker John Waters has called the somewhat kitschy gay club his "go-to" bar when he's in the city. Seymore D. Fair decided to solicit a minor for sex there in September 1993. Unfortunately for Seymore, it was actually an undercover cop. Usually being a john gets you a slap on the wrist, but Seymore's explicit asks of the undercover cop wanting to indeed "make sure that he was fourteen" cemented harsh prosecution. The trial wasn't over until February 1994, and afterwards Seymore spent over the next three years in prison until he was released early in the summer of 1997. Obviously the jury didn't fall for his defense that he was "talking about fourteen in bird years."

2. Arrested Doing Meth Behind Cafe Du Monde in Broad Daylight - In February 1998, just six months after being released from prison, Seymore D. Fair was back at it again. This time he was caught with a massive EIGHT grams of meth, right behind the legendary coffee and beignet shop Cafe Du Monde - by a parking lot near the train tracks. At 1PM, no less! It was a tremendous and continued public fall from grace from the avian mascot that was once ironically connected to the Nancy Reagan-affiliated "Critters & Kids Just Say NO to Drugs" campaign. Seymore claimed that all eight grams of meth were for his personal use, and based on how high he was it was totally plausible that he was a user and not a dealer. Still, Seymore went back behind bars and wasn't released until August 2001.

1. Corpse Fished Out of Bayou St. John - Was there any other way this whole tragedy could end? On the chilly morning of Saturday, February 17, 2007 the body of Seymore D. Fair was found floating in Bayou St. John, not far from the pedestrian walking bridge by Cabrini High on Moss Street. Although it has gotten to be as cold as 28°F that night, it was not the cold water that killed him. Seymore had multiple stab wounds in his torso and his left wing had been partially sliced off. No suspect or motive for the killing was ever found. 

Ed Ranks the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by their Weapons

Behold, four Raphaels. Kind of.

4. Donatello (weapon: Bō) - Donatello literally drew the short stick because that's his weapon. A stick. I'm not saying that a master of the ninja arts can't totally kick ass with a bō. I'm just saying that it's still just a stick. While the other turtles probably had their weapons made by master Japanese craftsmen... I assume Splinter was walking through the woods one day and saw a branch on the ground and said "good enough." That's all the guy who "does machines" is good for, apparently.

3. Michelangelo (weapon: Nunchaku) - Mainly called "nunchucks" in the west, nunchaku are exactly the type of weapon that seem "super cool" to the eight year old kids who would be Ninja Turtles viewers. Apart from how cool they look swinging around though - how useful are they really? I'm sure the ratio of people who have hurt themselves swinging these bad boys versus hurting any opponent has to be at least 20 to 1.

2. Leonardo (weapon: Katana) - Swords are awesome, and Leonardo is often depicted swinging around two of them at once. Which is cool as all hell. They're long and curved and can certainly do some major damage to those Foot Clan robots. Everyone wants a katana.

1. Raphael (weapon: Sai) - As awesome as Leonardo looks swinging two katanas at once, it's pretty impractical. You know what the perfect double wielding weapon is though? The sai! It's also the perfect melee weapon. Swords and all those other weapons are almost too decorative and symbolic in their use. The sai is simply made for stabbing people in the abdomen in and killing them in a super painful way. And unlike a sword you can easily go around inconspicuously carrying them before you whip them out to gut someone like a fish. If Leonardo wanted to carry his katanas around he'd have to carry a guitar case, golf bag or something obvious like that. Raphael could easily just throw his sais in a laptop bag or anything and walk into a meeting and take everyone out. If he wanted to. And after all, that brown trench coat and hat disguise those Ninja Turtles wear to go out in public is so convincing.

Ed Ranks the Pentagon's Food Service Options

You know, just in case you were wondering or thinking of popping by.

This is the lead singer from Cutting Crew. 
For no particular reason.

23. Burger King - This isn't knocking every Burger King, just the one in the Pentagon. Usually I'd say Burger King is much better than McDonalds. The Burger King here is absolute shit. Want a coffee in the morning? Chances are they are out of cups. Or they have cups but no lids for them. Want a soda? Their machine doesn't work. Napkins? Out of them. Ketchup? They claim they don't have any but then you see their is ketchup on the burger. Want a burger? Two people in line in front of me returned theirs for being raw. Hey look... I'm all about a burger that's nice and pink in the middle. Maybe even red. But from Burger King? Yeah, not so much.

What it should be instead: Five Guys, without a doubt.

22. 50/50 Salads and Grills - The Pentagon's official food concourse map claims this exists. They must have some sort of Men in Black-style mind erasing thing after you pass it though. Which seems like a terrible business plan.

What it should be instead: A place that is physically within this plane of existence.

21. KFC - the KFC in the Pentagon is a sad joke. You know what you can't get in it? Regular KFC chicken. You know like the drumsticks, thighs, legs, etc you get in a bucket? They don't have it. They only have little boneless chicken filet things, chicken sandwiches, and some bullshit Buffalo-wing style things. #SAD

What it should be instead: Bonchon Chicken, the greatest fried chicken restaurant of all.

20. Charley's Philly Steaks (Closed) - This is just a closed empty space with nothing in it now. Which still makes it rank higher than a very much open KFC that doesn't serve actual KFC chicken or a Burger King that has raw burgers and no coffee lids.  I'm not sure if anything is supposed to open up in this space, but I hope it will be better than this awful mall food court chain.

What it should be instead: Some kind of döner kebab place. That sounds much more appetizing, right? And it's still salty meat of indeterminate animal that's thrown on bread, which makes it nearly identical to a Charley's (in principle). 

19. Qdoba -  It's a fake Chipotle.

What it should be instead: Chipotle. And not just the one in the Pentagon. Every Qdoba should just be a Chipotle everywhere.

"Gourmet" used liberally.

18.  Panda Express - Awful cornstarch covered "Chinese" food drenched in syrups. In other words, the same terrible non-Chinese Chinese food that most Americans are familiar with.

What it should be instead: Din Tai Fung. That's right. Go big or go home. DTF is the best.

17. Farmers Market Café - I actually have no clue about this one or if it's even there since it's in the Conference Center Annex. I'll just throw it here. I mean it's a government cafeteria, so 17 sounds about right.

What it should be instead: Nothing. There is already another cafeteria in the Pentagon. Stop being lazy and just walk there.

16.  Surf City Squeeze - Oh look, a smoothie place. Exciting, huh?

What it should be instead: It actually doesn't matter. All smoothie places are exactly the same. Anyone with fresh produce, ice, and the exact same Vitamix I have in my home can run a smoothie place. Maybe I should open up something. I should be an entrepreneur.

15.  Dominic's of New York - Like the 50/50 place... I've never actually seen this place either. I guess it's in the basement or something. I'm not going in the basement of the Pentagon. That's scary. Probably where we keep the aliens or whatever.

What it should be instead: I think this is supposed to be like hot sandwiches or something, so let's say a Taylor Gourmet. For those unfamiliar with it, it's a Washington, D.C. based chain. I am going to have a few of those here. Deal with it.

14. Auntie Annie's - What people actually eat at Auntie Annie's?

What it should be instead: If you're going to get diabeetus from sugar-laden bread you might as well go all-in and make this a Cinnabon. I don't particularly like Cinnabon either.

13. Rollerz - Ugh. Sandwich wraps. Is this whole "wraps" thing still happening?

What it should be instead: I know it has nothing to do with wraps, but let's just make this a Cava Grill. I love Cava. CAVA!!!!!!!

12.  Courtyard Café (Closed, soon to be Au Bon Pain) - This isn't open but it's about to be an ABP... so that's promising. It's also in the center courtyard which is cool.

What it should be instead: Au Bon Pain, so good call people. Job well done.

NOT this guy. But I can see why you're confused.

11.  Fresh Kitchen by Robert Irvine - Robert Irvine is that annoying British chef from TV who yells at people. No, not him. You're thinking of Gordon Ramsey. This is FAKE Gordon Ramsey. The one who also faked being the Queen's chef. In concept it should be a good place - it's half sit-down dining like a real restaurant and half carry out for convenience. I'll be honest that I haven't actually gone to the sit-down dining half. But the take-and-go half of the place? Bland. Kind of like his show. ZING!!!!

What it should be instead: Something by Gordon Ramsey, just to rub it in Robert Irvine's stupid face.

10. Cocina de Pollo - Peruvian chicken is usually awesome. It's slow roasted, charred and dripping of juices. But Cocina de Pollo tastes like normal chicken that's been rolled in taco seasoning.

What it should be instead: Crisp and Juicy. Another DC chain that means nothing to anyone from outside of the area... but those who do know what I'm talking about are all nodding their heads right now. You can go ahead and nod your head in solidarity too if you wish, just to fit in.

9. Freshens - A salad place. But it doesn't even have sundried tomatoes or wonton crisps. Who doesn't have wonton crisps?!

What it should be instead: Panera Bread, where I generally go for salads. Panera's Thai Chicken Salad should be made the official meal of the United States. I know it sounds crazy that I'm advocating that the official meal of the United States be one that specifically has the adjective for another country in it - but America is built on immigration so I'm going to argue that it works.

8. Taco Bell - Look, I may have given crap to Taco Bell before, but I actually go there. I'd rather go there than silly-ass Qdoba.

What it should be instead: Eh, it's fine being a Taco Bell I suppose. It's not like we can actually get a Mexican Food Truck from California to show in the Pentagon. OR CAN WE?!

Slogan: "It's edible!"

7. Sbarro - There is a lot of hate out there for Sbarro but it's actually mildly decent. And the Sbarro in the Pentagon in my opinion has better salads than any of the other options. Odd, huh?

What it should be instead: Ledo Pizza. Another local chain. Maryland people get it. Deal with it.

6.  Market Basket - I know I dissed the other cafeteria in the Pentagon, but of course the place needs a cafeteria. It just makes sense. How else am I going to spoon food into a container and weigh it to be charged? And it has all kinds of food stations for stuff. Still no wonton crisps at the salad bar though. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE WONTON CRISPS?!

What it should be instead: No, this is good. Leave it as-is.

5. McDonalds - I know I said Burger King is usually better than McDonalds... so why am I ranking McDonalds way above? Breakfast, obviously. McDonalds might as well not exist other than breakfast. I have zero temptation to eat any burger from McD's. But the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit? HELL YEAH.

What it should be instead: A McDonalds for breakfast that somehow transforms into a Shake Shack at 10:30AM and remains that way for the rest of the day. Never an In-N-Out though. Forget that over-hyped West Coast crap.

4.  Popeyes - Popeye's is awesome. The only bad thing I have to say about the one in the Pentagon is that their onion rings don't taste so fresh as they usually are at normal Popeyes. That's a first world problem though.

What it should be instead: Fine as it is.

Re-using picture from earlier article. Cuz I'm lazy.

3.  Starbucks / Five Star Espresso - There are two "real" Starbucks in the Pentagon, and then a bunch of other small coffee stands that call themselves Five Star Espressos but which serve Starbucks coffee. These are all essential to keep the military industrial complex highly alert. Hey looks, it's better than using cocaine.

What it should be instead: Most are fine as they are, but I guess we could mix it up and have a different chain or two instead. How about a Peet's?

2. Subway - Similar to Starbucks, there are two "full" Subways in the Pentagon as well as another Subway-lite stand which can't do the toasted sandwiches and only has the cold sandwich meat stuff. Subway is great, but...

What it should be instead: ...See how I left you in suspense there? But... as above with Starbucks, do we really need three Subways? Let's turn at least one of the three into a Potbelly and call it a day.

Possible Article coming soon: Ranking donut flavors?

1. Dunkin' Donuts / Baskin Robbins - There are two DD/BR combos in the Pentagon. This is the place I go to most often. Mainly just for coffee. Only rarely do I ever get a donut. Never have gotten ice cream or done the Baskin Robbins half. Once I had an "angus beef" breakfast sandwich at one of them and the beef tasted like what I imagine the canned food I give to my cats must taste like. Only guessing. Despite that, I'm not knocking it. I'm still making it #1. Just don't order that Angus beef sandwich thing.  DD coffee and donuts is awesome. The vast majority of any currency and credit I have disposed myself of in the Pentagon has gone to Dunkin Donuts.

What it should be instead: Exactly what it is now, but with the cat food removed from the menu.

Ed Ranks All 100 Ed Ranks Everything Posts

Happy 100th post!

100.  Ed Ranks the Miss Saudi Arabia 2016 Contestants - I guess this was supposed to come off as pro-Human rights and pro-Women by sarcastically zinging Saudi Arabia. The end result probably just comes off Islamophobic, right?

99. Ed Ranks Who Negan Will Kill Sunday, From Least to Most Likely - Well, I fucked this one up.

98. Ed Ranks Ten More Random Articles on Wikipedia - The only thing lazier than ranking ten random articles on Wikipedia is doing the exact same thing a second time.

97. Ed Ranks Chokes More Epic than the Falcons in Super Bowl LI - I forgot that I had already basically done this "super short one sentence ranking" joke before with the Herbalist Monk thing.

96. Ed Ranks Arabic Numerals - Filler post, I won't lie. How interesting is it to rank 0 through 9?

95.  Ed Ranks 4XX Error Codes By How Epic They Sound - The truth is that NONE of them particularly sound epic.

94. Ed Ranks things that "DNO" Stands For - I honestly don't remember doing this one.

93. Ed Ranks Fictional Herbalist Benedictine Monks who Solve Murder Mysteries - This is still hilarious to me but I think we can all accept that I put zero minutes of work into it.

92. Ed Ranks 8 Classic Books that are Horrible - I only wrote this because I wanted to tell everybody how much I fucking hate Ethan Frome. The rest I just Googled and stole ideas from other people who wrote about similar topics.

91.  Ed Ranks Seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer - I did this all based off of vague memories of a show I haven't seen an episode of for well over a decade.

90.  Ed Ranks Rankings - Anyone who saw the title should have instantly known what #1 was going to be.

89. Ed Ranks Seasons of "House of Cards" - The fact that I ranked the (then only) four seasons of House of Cards when I had only even watched two and a half of the seasons was kind of a bitch move. Now that I've seen Season 4 I'd say it's on par with Season 2. Not sure which one I'd say is better. I'd probably have to do a re-watch.

88. Ed Ranks Ten Random Articles on Wikipedia - This is the type of thing I do when I have George R.R. Martin levels of writer's block.

87.  Ed Ranks the 100 Ed Ranks Everything Posts - I'm ranking a hundred damn things?! UGH. TOO LONG. And yes, "Ed Ranks All 100 Ed Ranks Everything Posts" is indeed one of the 100 posts that is ranked in "Ed Ranks All 100 Ed Ranks Everything Posts."

86. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Reasons Brangelina Are Getting Divorced - Attempts to be topical are always spotty at best.

85. Ed Ranks the Seasons - Probably took you just as long to read it as it took me to write it. I spent more time looking for pictures to hotlink to than I did writing anything.

84. Ed Ranks Social Media - Instagram is obviously the best. Why bother having a list? That would be like if I ranked colors of the sky. Blue wins. Duh.

83. Ed Ranks Doctor Who Spinoffs - According to Google Analytics, I only have about four regular readers for this blog anyway. I think absolutely zero of those four people care about Doctor Who spinoff media.

82. Ed Ranks Santa Claus's Reindeer, By Name - The second of two Christmas posts in a row. Wouldn't just one have sufficed?

81. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Most Adorable Animals - Ed Ranks Everything is known for sarcasm and swear words. Yet at one magical time is was also known for cute animal pictures. Just like your aunt's Facebook feed.

76 to 80. Ed Ranks the United States (Parts 1 through 5) - I like these five and put quite some work into them. It actually involved crunching all sorts of numbers. But there are a million other people who have ranked the states so nothing was really that unique.

75. Ed Ranks the Alphabet - So arbitrary. I bet if I wasn't allowed to see this ranking and was told to rewrite it again I'd come up with completely different rankings with some letters falling way down or rising way up.

74. Ed Ranks Aerosmith Albums - As with the last one, my opinions about the order of several of these would probably change depending on my mood any given week.

73. Ed Ranks the Top 5 Charlie Murphy Sketches that AREN'T True Hollywood Stories - When I came up with the idea for this list I thought he was in a lot more sketches than he actually was in.

72. Ed Ranks Countries by Food - An attempt to capture the same magic as ranking countries by beer. A failed attempt.

71. Ed Ranks the Taco Bell Menu - This list is technically about food too. But only technically.

70. Ed Ranks Fruit - There are so many fruit I left out. Eventually I just figured, "enough."

69. Ed Ranks the 10 Most Annoying Deus ex Machina Film Endings - Heh, 69. I just had to click on this one to remember anything about it. So it's obviously not that memorable.

68. Ed Ranks the 13 Worst Game of Thrones Book-to-Show Story Changes - I just did this one a few days ago. It's super hard to rank posts that I just did. It's like trying to determine the legacy of a President or an athlete while they're still in office / playing. It lacks the hilariousness of the Gendry one.

67. Ed Ranks the Planets -  We all knew the winner would be Earth, right?

66. Ed Ranks Things His Fellow White People Should Avoid Doing this Black History Month - Solid advice for any month.

65. Ed Ranks the 1985 Transformers Toy Catalogue - I feel like there is a better Transformers ranking I could have done than this one. I just don't know what it is though.

64. Ed Ranks Eurozone Countries by their €1 Coins - This one would have been a lot better if I had included pictures of all, rather than just some, of the Eurozone coins I'm talking about. This definitely needed more pictures.

63. Ed Ranks US Federal Holidays - I'm 80% sure that the picture of the "American" July 4 eagle in this ranking was taken in Canada, which is awesome. The image credit says it was taken on the Alsek River, which does run through Alaska - but mostly runs through the Yukon Territory and British Columbia.

61 to 62. Ed Ranks Hardboiled Private Detectives (Parts 1 and 2) - Still regret putting stupid ass Perry Mason on this thing. Seriously, PRETEND #10 says Spenser for Hire!

60. Ed Ranks 2016 Halloween Costumes by Awfulness - Thought this would be funnier. At least every entry was accompanied by a picture, unlike the Eurozone coin thing.

59. You'll NEVER Guess How Ed Ranks Clickbait Headlines. #7 Will SHOCK You! - I hate Clickbait so much it even makes me hate this ranking a little.

58. Ed Ranks Things Happening When the Cast of "Stranger Things" Were Born - Way to make myself feel old AF.

57. Ed Ranks Other Obsolete Things that Should Go Away Like "The Greatest Show on Earth" - Quickly wrote this one to try to be topical. Meh. The title is also way too long.

56. Ed Ranks the Chinese Zodiac Animals - Cock.

55. Ed Ranks the Greek Pantheon - Greek gods are kind of awesome. But again, hard to rank the more recent ones I wrote.

54. Ed Ranks Movies You Don't Need to Own (Because they're Always on TV) - Same as above. I just wrote it so it's hard to put it anywhere other than the middle.

53. Ed Ranks the Main Characters of Star Trek: The Next Generation - Picard was always going to be #1 so why did I bother? And how the hell is Geordi La Forge only #6? Was I drunk when writing this?

52. Ed Ranks "Fun" Fall Activities - This was a list I once did. That's about all I have to say about it.

51. Ed Arbitrarily Ranks Teeth According to Nonsensical Personalities Assigned to Them - If you go back and actually read the title of this ranking, you'll see that I spelled "Nonsensical" incorrectly. I still think this one is kind of cute.

50.  Ed Ranks 15 Conspiracy Theories - I start this one right off with Holocaust denial and 9/11. Way to ruin everyone's mood, Ed. 

49. Ed Ranks the Emails in his Spam Box - I wish my spam box had been just a little more interesting.

48. Ed Ranks the Gifts of the Twelve Days of Christmas - I still have no clue what I'd do with eleven useless lords-a-leaping and all those shitting birds.

47. Ed Ranks Films which SHOULD Have Won the 65th Academy Award for Best Picture - Was this a one-joke article written just to set up the ludicrous proposition that Honeymoon in Vegas is better than Unforgiven? Like the licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

46. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Alan Rickman Roles - Probably done too soon after the similar Gary Oldman one.

45. Ed Ranks the 12 Causes of Death in The Jim Carroll Band's "People Who Died" - Some of these are just really awful ways to go out.

44. Ed Ranks the Horrific Abominations that Will Kill You in Australia - Snakes freak me out, man. What is wrong with this death zone?

43. Ed Ranks Batmen - RIP Adam West.

42. Ed Ranks 5 New Goddamn Pumpkin Spice Products this Fall, Probably - I liked this one a lot more until I learned that there were 20 other pages that did similar jokes after a quick search.

41. Ed Ranks Old Pictures From His External Hard Drive - Stupid, but an interesting look into the past that made me question what I was doing in my late teens and early 20's.

40. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Lists that He Will Never Do at Ed Ranks Everything - I guess the fact that one of the first rankings I did was about rankings I wouldn't do at a site that says I will rank "everything" undermines the very premise of the whole "everything" thing. Did I make this point in the ranking itself? I don't remember and am too lazy to read it. I hate reading the things I write. Surely you can tell that by all the spelljng errors.

39. Ed Ranks Doctor Who Companions - A list that's instantly out of date! I guess I'd put the new companion Bill somewhere... uhh... between Zoe and River?  And how did this list not have a picture of Zoe in that tight jumpsuit? Worthless.

38. Ed Ranks BBQ - It's really all delicious so long as you don't dry it out.

37. Ed Ranks the Top 15 Sesame Street Muppets - Who won again? Was it the Yip Yips? (*checks rankings*) Oh. Grover. Yeah, that makes sense. I own a Grover tie. He's great.

36. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Board Games - How the hell is Fireball Island no longer being made? Children are being deprived of an amazing game. It makes no sense that boring-ass Monopoly is more famous than Fireball Island.

35. Ed Ranks James Bond Films - I like this list. Not original though. Tons of other people rank these films. I should try to avoid ranking stuff that everyone else ranks.

34. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Grunge Bands - After Chris Cornell died I kind of felt like a dick that Soundgarden was only #4. I even said in the entry itself that Cornell had the best voice. But what am I going to do? Not make STP #1? I had to make STP #1 just to piss everyone off since STP is from California rather than Washington.

33. Ed Ranks the Potential Causes of Death of Cyrus the Great - I really, really like this one. But then again, I'm a history major. And I wrote it. So there's that.

32. Ed Ranks the Cast of The Mummy (1999) - I think the box office results of the latest Mummy reboot prove that nothing can top this film.

31. Ed Ranks the Main Characters of Dawson's Creek - All references to Dawson's Creek I make in life continue to be one long in-joke and I don't care that nobody else gets it.

30. Ed Ranks the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World - Only seven things? How easy to rank! Much easier than ranking 100 things. I'm exhausted. Is anyone still reading this?

29. Ed Ranks the Marshmallow Shapes in Lucky Charms - I still can't get over the fact that there isn't just a simple clover shape anymore.

28. Ed Ranks Possible Things that Happened to Mira Sorvino - All of these are 100% plausible and I stand by this absurd ranking. I will admit that the "eaten by a shark" bit was stolen from an old Conan joke about what ever happened to Axl Rose.

27. Ed Ranks Baseball Positions - I firmly believe this ranking has helped to educate people about baseball. Sorry all offended Third Basemen, you suck.

26. Ed Ranks the Seven Deadly Sins - WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!

25. Ed Ranks 10 Disney Villains by Evilness - Elsa really is a monster and you're just going to have to accept it, Stephanie.

24. Ed Ranks The Impressionists - Who doesn't love the Impressionists? Except for Renoir. Fuck that guy.

23. Ed Ranks People You Meet in the Bar (and their Arch Nemeses) - The loud guy at the bar with the young escort is totally a real story.

22.  Ed Ranks 25 X-Men Superpowers - If you disagree with Phoenix then you're stupid. Full stop.

21. Ed Ranks US Presidents By Facial Hair - After ranking English monarchs someone suggested I also rank U.S. Presidents. So I did this instead. It was absolutely the correct way to go.

20. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Gary Oldman Roles - Gary Oldman is great but I honestly haven't seen like four of the films on the list. Maybe more. How many stupid Harry Potter films was he in?

17 to 19. Ed Ranks the Crusades (Parts 1 through 3) - I love these and I get to rank things... so I can rank them this high. But I realize that they are way too long and probably nobody actually read them who wasn't already interested in history and therefore pretty much knew about them and didn't need to read them.

16. Ed Ranks 12 Dudes with "Oscar" or "Isaac" in Their Name - You're all just going to have to accept that about once every twelve rankings or so I'm going to find a way to fit in that video of Oscar Isaac and Sonoya Mizuno dancing in Ex Machina.

15. Ed Ranks Alternative Facts About Kellyanne Conway - This one was surprisingly more popular than I thought it would be. Someone picked it up and shared it on some website and it got a pretty substantial view count. Well, a pretty substantial view count for my shitty blog.

13 to 14. Ed Ranks the Top 5 Best/Worst Summer Olympic Sports - My first two posts set the tone. Good for them. Handball and Water Polo really are so sweet and I can't wait for 2020.

12. Ed Ranks Viceroys of Min-Zhe - I love this one. I understand nobody else does. It's just so damn random.

11. Ed Ranks Your Horrific Oregon Trail Deaths - You have died of shitting blood.

10. Ed Ranks Insightful Comments on a Breitbart Article About an Emma Watson Film - Ah, glorious website comments sections.

9. Ed Ranks 10 Better Candidates for President than Donald Trump - Racist Goat 2016!

6 to 8. Ed Ranks the Monarchs of England (Parts 1 through 3) - These are meticulously researched and put together. I was also super excited about writing them. Too long? Yep.

5. Ed Ranks 38 Punchlines to "I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Women..." - You should be using all of these jokes on a regular basis around everyone you know. These are all gold.

4. Ed Ranks Countries By Beer - I stand by #1, but Germany could easily climb up another one or two depending on my mood.

3. Ed Ranks Other Things WNBA Teams Could Be - Photoshopping a Mariners hat onto Storm from X-Men is my own personal magnum opus.

2. Ed Ranks Colors in the Crayola 64 Box - My third ever post and a masterstroke that I think of whenever I think about what a good Ed Ranks Everything should look like. These are the types of basic, random things I like ranking.

1. Ed Ranks the Top 5 Game of Thrones Theories that He Just Made Up Right Now - I started writing this one as an honest and detailed post about all the best Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire fan theories out there. It probably would have been accompanied by a "worst theories" one as well, just like how the Olympics rankings had best and worst. Then I got lazy and just did this instead. I am extremely happy with the result. 

Ed Ranks the 13 Worst Game of Thrones Book-to-Show Story Changes

Hey, I've talked about this show before! 

A Game of Thrones does a pretty good job at adapting a number of massive books with a million characters into a slightly more manageable massive show with thousands of characters.  In fact, a lot of times the TV show improves on the long-winded books by merging plots and attributes given to a huge number of minor characters into the stories of impportant characters. Ramsey Bolton marries a fake Arya in the books? Wymen Manderly gives the Boltons and some minor Freys some pies made of out other minor Freys in the books? Whatever. The show also adds more depth to barely touched-upon book characters like Margery Tyrell, making them more interesting.

But the show doesn't always improve things. Sometimes the source material in A Song of Ice and Fire is much, much better. Here are a couple of times the show messed up some book stuff which could have been cool.

13. Aegon Targaryen & Jon Connington 

I couldn't decide if this deletion from the books was a good thing or a bad thing. It's probably a mix of both, so I'll put it here.  For show watchers who know nothing about the books - on Tyrion's way through Essos he runs into Griff and Young Griff, pseudonyms for Jon Connington (a former Hand of the King) and, supposedly, Aegon Targaryen - the child of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen and Elia Martell (said to have been bashed against a wall as a baby by the Mountain). If this really is Aegon, then we have a child who is a legitimate heir and contender to the Iron Throne, as well as a deviously-planned baby-switching plot that goes back the entire reign of the Baratheons. Few fans actually believe the boy is the real Aegon though - merely a red herring. In the books, the Martells of Dorne and Spymaster Varys are behind the scenes working to help Aegon (or fake Aegon) to the throne. The fact that the TV show completely eliminates the character and has Varys and Dorne ally with Daenerys sort of confirms that the whole Aegon/Jon thing isn't that important to the end game of the series anyway. Given that, I suppose it makes some sense to leave it out - but still, wouldn't it be a little cool to have thrown this twist by introducing yet another contender with substantial forces and allies backing him?  As it stands now in the show - Dany has everyone in the damn world allied with her (and she doesn't even need those allies because she has dragons). Seems like it will be an easy win for her.

Hear The Rains of Castamere playing? RUN!!!

12. Lady Stoneheart

A lot of people miss the fact that Lady Stoneheart hasn't, and likely never will, appear in the show. Honestly, I think things will be fine without her. Still, it would have been great to have seen Zombie Catelyn Stark hang some people.

11. That Jaime/Cersei Sex Scene

You know the one. Right by Joffrey's corpse. Eww. For a number of reasons this was bad. You'd think one person in editing would have been like, "Wait, is this a bit rapey?" Still, the main people this pissed off were the fans in the cult of Jaime who think he's on some redemption story. GRRM don't play that. Why are people trying to redeem a guy who threw a child out of a tower anyway? Jaime is an asshole and hopefully Brienne will just take him to get killed by Stoneheart soon enough anyway. Spoiler? Bitch please, the "A Feast For Crows" ultimatum came out in 2005. It doesn't count as an spoiler anymore if it happened the same year as Hurricane Katrina.

10. Prophesies and Foreshadowing

Okay, this one is super vague - but what I'm trying to say is that these concepts were big in the books, but are downplayed on TV. To some degree that makes sense and works. One of the reasons Game of Thrones works as a show and appeals to many non-traditional "fantasy" fans is that it is a lot more "real" in some ways as many of the best stories are heavy on historic-inspired political intrigue while downplaying "magic." Still, there are a lot of times in the book where Old Nan tells a story to Bran, or when some prophesy, story or backstory is told. Those almost always pay off. I suppose it's harder to do in the medium of television, where you have to "show," rather than in books when it's easy to "tell."

Remember anything interesting about this? Me neither.

9. Qarth

The House of the Undying is a good example of the above. In the books, Daenerys sees visions hinting at a number of things including the Red Wedding, Mad King Aerys II ordering the burning of King's Landing, her brother Rhaegar, Stannis, Jon Snow's parentage, and the "child of three" prophesies connected to the dragon with three heads, three marriages she will have, and (as many believe) the fact that there will perhaps be three heirs to the Targaryen line (Dany, Jon Snow and a hotly debated third candidate). In the show, the House of the Dying is a lot more "meh." But I'm not only talking about the House of the Undying here. I'm talking about all of Qarth. It was "meh." The only cool part was when she locked those people up in the vault to starve and die. Good stuff.

8. Shades of Gray

While I'm ranking vague concepts, I might as well talk about the missing complexity of characters. In the show, Jon Snow and Tyrion Lannister are straight-up heroes with almost no moral flaws. Tyrion drinks? Big deal. In the books it's a lot different. They have true faults and layers. In the show when they gang up on Jon Snow to stab him it's because those guys are bad, evil, terrible people. In the book the guys stabbing him kind of have a point, include some of his closest allies, and their aim is actually to protect the Night's Watch. Too bad for them that Jon Snow can't die because he's the Prince that Was Promised. Probably.

7. Other Starks Warging (Kind Of)

In the show, Bran can warg into animals (and Hodor!). In the books, the other Starks are shown as having similar characteristics - although they never actually warg, per se. Still, the overall theme is that all of the Starks can have prophetic dreams or share the dreams and thoughts of their pet wolves. Jon, Arya, and maybe even Sansa (debatable - she seems to have a lot of dreams about Lady though).

Awwwwwwww!

6. The Adventures of Jon Snow Beyond the Wall

In the books, Jon Snow beyond the Wall is epic. It's like an amazing adventure with him and a bunch of others in the Night's Watch slowly getting killed off one-by-one. Kind of like Alien, but in the snow. Or like Alien remixed with Lovcecraft's At the Mountains of Madness. In the show, it's just a couple of scenes and then whatever. Since the events at the Wall are somewhat independent from other happenings in Westeros, the show could have paced this out better to have more time spent on Jon above the wall and left out filler crap like the later raid on Craster's Keep.  It's a little odd that that there is so much material in the books that a lot of it had to get cut out for time... and yet the show still needed to find filler.

5. The Adventures of Brienne and Pod

Well, it's possible that the show will have more amazing Brienne-Pod adventures because they were last seen rowing off together - but in the books they had all sorts of awesome hijinks with Septon Meribald and others that got left on the cutting room floor for the show.  Dun Fort, Maidenpool, the Stinking Goose, Crackclaw Point, the Whispers, the Saltpans, the Quiet Isle, the Inn at the Crossroads, etc. They need to fit the left out parts all into the last two seasons somehow. Or dare I say... spinoff?

4. The Adventures of Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie

Pretty much the same as above. The books "A Clash of Kings" and "A Storm of Swords" are full of Arya stuff that never made it to the show. And who in their right mind doesn't want more Hot Pie?

3. Loras Tyrell, Everything About Him 

Hey look, it's Loras.

Loras is a badass mofo in the books. He kicks ass and chews bubblegum (but he's all out of bubblegum). In the show, he's largely just there to have hot nude love scenes. His death even sort of sucks in the show, as he renounces everything that's awesome about him and gets his head carved up before being blown up with about a dozen other characters who have been more important than him for the last four seasons. He doesn't quite die in the books - at least yet - although he is seemingly mortally wounded at Dragonstone. What is he doing in Dragonstone in the books? Leading an attack on Stannis's forces while trying to avenge the death of his love, Renly, who Stannis murdered with that Lost smoke demon that came out of the Red Witch's Va-jay-jay.  Yeah, in the books he's dying slowly from wounds in battle acquired avenging Renly. That's just the kind of dude Loras is in the books. Awesome. So why did I underline "seemingly?" Because the only evidence in the books is based on some story being told to Cersei by someone who later betrays her. So why knows.

2. Doran Martell

Seriously, what the HELL did the show do to Doran? The casting was PERFECT. When I heard Alexander Siddig was playing Doran, I was psyched. This is one of the best actors you could get for this part. In the books, Doran appears to be a wimpy, gout-ridden loser. But that's before you learn he's a Littlefinger-level plotter. He swears loyalty to the Iron Throne, but he's got plans. As alluded to in the Aegon / Connington entry above - Doran and the House Martell actually have a scheme to ally with the Targaryens and rock Westeros to its knees. He's got the Lannister daughter Myrcella as a hostage (she's still alive in the books) just in case, and has had dual plans at different times to marry both his incredibly awesome daughter Arianne (she's book-only) and son Quentyn (less awesome, still book-only) to the Targaryens that will make some future grandchild of his the heir to the Iron Throne. In the show he seems to be a wimpy, gout-ridden loser because he is... well... a wimpy, gout-ridden loser. He gets murdered by his own people and dies before any big reveal of a plan. This is the equivalent of casting Marlon Brando to have a bit part in a Wayans brothers film. And not even the good Keenan Ivory/Damon combo. I'm talking Shawn/Marlon. Then after casting him they cut most of his scenes. Not done with analogies yet? Good! This would be like if "The Greatest Story Ever Told" was a movie all about Herod Antipas, and featured Max von Sydow in a brief cameo as a carpenter named Jesus who does absolutely nothing except woodwork some benches. I'm just sitting there and waiting for Jesus to do some magic but all I get is The New Yankee Workshop.

Acting. How does it work?

1. Everything Else About Dorne

The Dorne stuff isn't the absolute best stuff in the books. In fact, I kind of rolled my eyes and hurried through the Arys Oakheart and Areo Hotah POV chapters. Still, as mediocre as they were... it was infinitely better than anything the show gave us about Dorne. First of all, the Sand Snakes are awesome in the books, not insolent little shitty "but you need the bad pussy" pun machines. And since I already mentioned her when talking about Doran--Arianne Martel. She's great. She's probably one of the most interesting characters in the entirety of the book series, and they left her out of the show to essentially have her role filled by Ellaria Sand. Boooooo.

Ed Ranks Films which SHOULD Have Won the 65th Academy Award for Best Picture

The 65th Academy Awards ceremony was presented by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts, honoring films released in 1992. Given that it honored the best films of 1992, the awards ceremony itself was held on March 29, 1993. The list below includes the 30 greatest films of 1992, as ranked by me. By no means should you take anything I say in these rankings as sarcasm. This list is earnest as fuck, yo.

30. The Player - Pretentious Tim Robbins film by Hollywood people about Hollywood people that was nominated for a number of Academy Awards. Boring. Who cares? Nobody.

Okay, this list isn't that earnest.

29. Trespass - This film stars Ice T, Ice Cube, Bill Paxton (RIP), and William Sadler. Is the name William Sadler not ringing a bell for you? Perhaps Googling him will help you out. Yeah, THAT DUDE. He rocks, right? Need a badass? Cast him! Look, I'm not saying it's an amazing cinematic masterpiece. I'm just including this to say that it's better than that fucking Robert Altman Hollywood fluff piece The Player. Fuck The Player.


28. Candyman - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism. Tony Todd rules. 

27. Captain Ron / The Mighty Ducks - You might be wondering why exactly I've lumped these two films together as one film. The truth is that Disney actually sold tickets to a double showing of these two films together in 1992. I remember as a kid I really, really wanted to see Mighty Ducks, but in buying the ticket (or, actually, my mom buying the ticket because I was 10) we got a double feature with Captain Ron. I honestly liked Captain Ron more. Although in The Mighty Duck's defense, it did have PACEY WITTER.

26. Mo' Money - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism.

25. Howard's End - Remember when Helena Bonham Carter used to be in films not directed by Tim Burton? Me neither.

24. Juice - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism.

23. Stay Tuned - A movie featuring John Ritter, satellite TV, and Satan. What more does the Academy want from a film?

22. White Men Can't Jump - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism.

21. Basic Instinct - Starring Sharon Stone's vagina. And, I think, other people too? Enjoy this video of Loaded Weapon 1 (the greatest Sam Jackson film ever) as my treat:

 

20. Glengarry Glen Ross - ALWAYS BE CLOSING. Just kidding, that's not the most important legacy of this movie. The most important legacy of this movie is that Jack Lemmon's character, Shelley "The Machine" Levene, inspired Gil Gunderson on The Simpsons. Now THAT deserves an award shaped like a nude gold man.

19. Patriot Games - Was this the best Jack Ryan film? Not really. Was Harrison Ford really too old to play Jack Ryan? Yeah, he was. Still - pretty good film though, right?

18. Passenger 57 - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism.

17. Encino Man - Brendan Frasier is the best. Clearly the 17th best film of the year. Clearly.

16. Reservoir Dogs - I'll admit that I've never actually seen this film. Why not put it at 16 and pretend like I have though?

Dat mustache tho

15. Mr. Baseball - Tom Selleck as a washed up ball player in Japan? YASSSSSSSS.

14. My Cousin Vinny - I'd give Marisa Tomei's hot ass an award for anything, even if she didn't deserve it and if there was another name on the card. Just like what happened for My Cousin Vinny.

13. Boomerang - This film introduced the majority of the world to Halle Berry. Thank you, Boomerang. Thank you. The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism. And the fact that Eddie Murphy's career was washing out hard.

12. Chaplin - When you watch the new Spider-Man film this summer, just remember that you've seen Robert Downey Jr. and Marisa Tomei together before. Here, in Chaplin. Okay, also in Captain America: Civil War. Stop throwing technicalities at me.

11. FernGully: The Last Rainforest - Look, I'm not admitting that I'm attracted to cartoon characters. I'm just saying that Crysta is probably hotter than most actual human beings. Don't mock this movie, it was actually nominated for an Academy Award for Best Picture. I mean, not really. But it kind of was when it was completely remade note-for-note and called "Avatar" in 2009.

10. Malcolm X - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism.

9. Bram Stoker's Dracula - Two words: Gary Oldman.

Jafar = Good guy.

8. Aladdin - Okay, so I'm attracted to cartoon characters. Jasmine is so hot.

7. The Bodyguard - The only reason this film didn't win awards is because of racism. And because Kevin Costner is a terrible actor. Whitney was so cute before the crack, amiright?

6. The Last of the Mohicans - Odd that this didn't just win every award this year. Usually when Daniel Day-Lewis bothers to do a film... the Academy just hands that film every gold thing that it has. Fun fact: Years later it was completely remade note-for-note and called "Avatar" in 2009. Now that's a quality throwback joke, people. I bet you thought my "because of racism" thing was going to be my only recurring joke on this list, didn't you?

5. A Few Good Men - You can't handle this ranking.

4. The Crying Game - The Black chick in this movie was so hot. ...Wait... what?

3. Miranda Richardson, All by her Damn Self - Speaking of The Crying Game, Miranda Richardson was in that film. In 1992, she was also in Enchanted April (she won the Golden Globe Award for Best Actress for a Musical or Comedy), and Damage (she won the BAFTA Award for Best Supporting Actress by defeating HERSELF, as she was also nominated for The Crying Game in the same category). 1992 was the year of Miranda Richardson. You couldn't have a great film in 1992 if she wasn't in it. If they had read out the five films nominated for best picture that year and then announced that the winner was "Miranda Richardson" despite the fact that she's an actor and not a film, most of the audience would have nodded their heads approvingly and said, "Yeah, that sounds about right."

2. Unforgiven - This was the film that ACTUALLY won the 65th Academy Award for Best Picture. It was a great film. Amazing, actually. But there was one film in 1992 that was better than it.

Rotten Tomatoes 60% rating MY ASS.

1. Honeymoon in Vegas - Now I know what you're thinking. "Ed must be confusing those Nic Cage Vegas movies and is really thinking about Leaving Las Vegas." No, I'm not confused. Everyone knows that Leaving Las Vegas came out in 1995, not 1992. Before Con Air made him the embodiment of a crazy man meme for life, Nic Cage was actually a somewhat acclaimed actor. He did win an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas. But I'm not talking about Leaving Las Vegas. I'm talking about the cinematic masterpiece that is Honeymoon in Vegas. In this better-than-Citizen Kane film (Rosebud is a sled and Susan is a terrible singer... I just saved you 119 minutes of your life), Nic Cage is about to get married to Sarah Jessica Parker in Vegas... only to have the devious James Caan offer to erase his gambling debts in return for spending one weekend with his fiancé. James Caan then does everything he can to steal Sarah Jessica Parker away from Nic Cage - only to be defeated by Nic Cage jumping out of an airplane with a group of Flying Elvises (Utah Chapter). Does it sound like they stole this "Lemme sleep with your lady for $$$" plot from Robert Redford's Indecent Proposal? WRONG! This film came out eight months before Indecent Proposal. It's the best. It should be given every award ever.