Ed Ranks People By How Much They Should be Thrown Out of Airplanes

Should you be thrown out of one of these? Let's see!

Airplanes. These are pressurized metal death traps but you have to use them unless you're that person who has never gone anywhere three hours away from your home town your entire life. Or John Madden.  It's bad enough that you get shitty service and tiny seats... but you also have to deal with other human beings. And UGH, other human beings are just the worst.

Okay, well, most of them are fine probably but since they stuff 150 damn people on there, you know that a handful every flight are just going to be terrible people. Terrible enough so that you fantasize about opening up that emergency exit door mid-flight and throwing them out. Do you actually do it? No, of course not. You'd probably get sucked out too. Still... it's tempting.

10. Parents of Babies - I'm going to give the babies themselves a bit of a pass here because they can't help being babies. But their parents should know better. Look, once you have children you should just accept that your life is over and you're no longer allowed to travel anywhere fun. Just stay at home until your kids are about 12. Any younger than that and they're probably still in that damn "let me kick the seat in front of me" phase.

9. Aisle Seat Bladder Camel - Sometimes there are aisle seat people who never get up. To do anything. Dude - YOU HAVE AN AISLE! You're living the good life! You can go to the bathroom, you can easily access your carry-on bags above you. You can get up and stretch. You can stand up and walk around for no reason at all just because you can. Yet some of them just sit there the whole time and never get up. At least give a courtesy stand up in case the middle and window people next to you might use it as an opportunity themselves to get up. You know what? You don't DESERVE that aisle seat if you're just going to waste it.

8. Full-Time Recliner - Look, you're allowed to recline. It's fine. That's why the recline function is on the seats. The person complaining about the other person reclining on them is most often the bigger douche who just needs to accept that's how planes work and nobody is particularly comfortable. But then sometimes you get the Full-Time Recliner in front of you. They sit down and recline before the flight has even taken off. They recline when they're eating and when you're eating. They want to ALWAYS recline. WHAT THE HELL? It should be an FAA regulation that you're legally allowed to stab anyone who reclines during food service. To death. With a pen. Someone has a pen. Like, to fill out Customs forms or something.

7. Person Unable to Handle the Immense Responsibilities of Handling a Window Seat - You want to watch the plane take off and land? GREAT! That's fun. Maybe even take a video. Look at some clouds for a little bit? That's cool too! Passing over a continent and can see the ground below? Awesome. So that's what it looks like from above!  ALAS... some people don't know when to shut the windows (or in the case of new planes like Boeing Dreamliners, dim them).  Have a long flight with wonky hours so that there is limited nighttime? Some assholes keep their windows open in an otherwise pitch black cabin.  Have your window open when you're over the middle of the ocean? Do it for a few minutes and close it. There is nothing to see. The same goes for endless clouds. Looking at clouds for a little is fine but after a while it's just clouds. CLOSE IT. If you're on a flight with TV screens on the backs of seats and they specifically dim the lights and tell you to close the windows to prevent glare... what should you do? CLOSE IT, THAT'S WHAT! If you can't handle the window seat and treat it with the respect it deserves... you should be demoted to a middle seat.

Picture unrelated to any specific article content.

6. Chatty Fucking Cathy - Shut the fuck up, I don't know you. You are a stranger. Stop fucking talking to me. We are not going to become friends. I do not want to know about your life. "Cathy" doesn't mean this is necessarily a woman. This is a unisex annoyance.

5. People Who Clap When Landing- Actually, it might be okay to throw these people out of airplanes because at least you're at ground level when they start clapping. There is no risk of getting sucked out of the airplane yourself and you probably wouldn't even be committing murder. Most likely the person will probably just get several broken bones and major road rash from being thrown on the runway. And that's exactly what they deserve. How stupid is it to clap for a landing? It's a pilot doing what they're supposed to do. Land. How would you like it if someone came up to you and just clapped at you for doing your job? If someone came into my cubicle and applauded me for sending some emails on Outlook I would contemplate throwing acid in their face the next day.

4. The Rules Don't Apply to Me Guy - Unlike the above, this is almost always a guy. And not to get racial, but almost always a White guy.  He doesn't turn his phone to airplane mode when they tell him to. He stows his laptop in the seat back when they say not to. He might even still be on his cell phone and talking when they're giving the safety brief. He charges his electronics turning takeoff and landing when he's not supposed to have anything plugged in. He unbuckles his belt as soon as the plane lands before taxi-ing is complete. This is a special little flower and the rules don't apply to him because he's so fucking important.

3. Captain B.O. - Please, please, please shower before you fly and wear freshly laundered clothes. Please.

2. Space Invader - It's typical for people to complain and make jokes about fat people on flights, being overweight isn't even the biggest problem here. People of all sizes are frequently invading into your seat space and it's the worst. I get it - there will always be wars over the arm rests (general rule of thumb - let the person in the middle seat get the armrests on both sides, the window and aisle people get one arm rest each plus the better seats, so it's only fair)... but often the problem is not just people taking the armrest but going beyond it and straight up shoving an elbow several inches deep into your space. I think planes need lasers that beam light walls up from the half-way point on the arm rests to let everyone know what zones are theirs. For the first 30 minutes of the flight the lasers are just harmless light shows... indicators. After that, the lasers turn into the melty sci-fi lasers that slice you apart of you cross them.

Oh, those filthy Spanish!

1. Sick People - If you get onto a flight sick you are spreading disease into a small tube that recycles air and you will probably get everyone around you sick. We should build special compartments into planes that allow you to safely eject any sick people over the ocean (or land, whatever). If someone sneezes they better produce a signed note from a doctor saying it's just allergies.