Ed Ranks Alternative Facts About Kellyanne Conway

Pictured above: Kellyanne Conway

"Alternative Facts" are an alternative to facts. Facts are things that are true. Alternative Facts are therefore things that are not true. Here are several things about Kellyanne Conway that are not true. Think of it like opposite day. Everything I am saying below is an Alternative Fact. That means none of them are true.

 10. Kellyanne Conway's inauguration outfit didn't at all make her look like Paddington Bear.

This is not a fact. This is an "alternative fact." Of course it is not true. But it's also not that important either. This isn't a fashion blog. For that reason, I will rank this at the bottom as #10.

 9. Kellyanne Conway is a fan of the New York Yankees, who are in no way completely evil.

Obviously the Yankees are evil and all Yankees fans are soullness monsters. Nobody created a Broadway play called "Damn Kansas City Royals." Nobody cares about the Royals. Well, except maybe Lorde.

8. Kellyanne Conway will go to heaven because she is a good person. 

Nope.

7. Kellyanne Conway did not help a racist, misogynistic fascist become President. 

This is a textbook "alternative fact," given that is obviously not true at all. Does anyone doubt this? Probably only racist, misogynistic fascists who are in denial that they are racist, misogynistic fascists.

6. Kellyanne Conway in no way resembles Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Saha, who in no way would parrot demonstrably false propaganda when all evidence to the opposite was clear as day. 

Do you remember this guy? Who, like, stood in Baghdad and was talking about how the Iraqis were winning the war and would defeat the Americans while you could see American bombs dropping and blowing up the city in the background? That dude was hilarious! He was a solid 2003 internet meme. He's totally the OG Kellyanne Conway. Ah, remember good old 2003 when we were laughing about how easy it would be to win the Iraq war because our memories of kicking ass in 1991 were still so fresh? We had no idea it would become a fucking quagmire, did we? You know who doesn't remember that? The kids from Stranger Things.

5. Kellyanne Conway is a stronger supporter of the Constitution and free speech.

Also not true.

4. Kellyanne Conway is not a flip-flopping opportunist bitch who endorses different candidates or promotes different viewpoints on an issue depending on who is paying her. 

What? Kellyanne Conway helped Ted Cruz campaign against Trump before she worked for Trump? And she was also a strong proponent of immigration reform that called for changes in laws that would allow for a clear, legal path for immigrants to become US citizens before she worked for an insanely anti-immigrant Oompa Loompa with tiny hands? Call me shocked! I can't believe a political figure would just change sides and/or opinions on an issue like that!

3. Kellyanne Conway's screeching voice does not at all sound like a vulture slowly dying on the side of a highway after getting hit by a tractor trailer while it was consuming a carrion. 

Actually, it does sound exactly like that. 

2. Kellyanne Conway's skin does not make her look like leather that was left in the sun.

Like a very sunburned orange leather saddlebag. Or maybe imagine if you bought a convertible and demanded it have an orange leather interior and then you parked it out in the desert sun forever. And I really mean forever. Beyond the lifetime of the Earth itself and approaching the heat death of the Universe. I actually don't recommend you click that last link unless you're willing to get super depressed.

1. Kellyanne Conway is not a giant fucking cunt. 

Not factual. This is an "Alternative Fact."

Ed Ranks the Chinese Zodiac Animals

Happy Chinese New Year and welcome to the year of the cock (heh)! Let's rank those Zodiac animals by how cool it is for a person to be a particular one of them...

Sorry! You're a plague-ridden rodent.

12. Rat - Geez, it's got to suck to be a rat. Is there any culture where being called a rat is actually a good thing?

11. Pig - Being called a pig is almost as bad as being called a rat. The only good thing pigs have going for them is that they have the power to transform into delicious bacon. Which isn't really an attribute people should use to promote themselves.

10. Ox - An ox is a beast of burden. If that doesn't sound bad enough to you... take into account that, by definition, oxen are all castrated.

9. Dog - Why does it have to be a normal dog? This could have been a lot cooler if it was some wild wolf or something. Being called a dog by someone is not extremely nice, even if you personally like dogs.

8. Goat - Goats are idiot farm animals that eat anything you put in front of them. Like plastic or your fingers.

7. Cock - Hehehe, cock.

6. Rabbit - Fuzzy and cute! But still something that a lot of people cook in a pot.

5. Monkey - I'm so glad I'm not a monkey. That would be so insulting. These poo-flinging things are gross.

4. Snake - I'm no fan of the evil creatures made of pure hatred that are snakes, but at least they are crafty predators who kill. That's better than being another animal which is mainly food.

3. Horse - I guess it's cool to be a horse, right? They're pretty sweet animals. We usually associate them with strength and power and speed and use them in warfare.

2. Tiger - Wow, this is a sweet animal to be. An apex predator that can just kill everything in sight if it wanted to. I know in my hypothetical animal fighting tournament, I'd put all my money on the tiger to win.

1. Dragon - It seems unfair that some people get to be a cool-ass fictional animal that doesn't even exist. One that can fly and breath fire. If you're going to have one fictional animal in the Chinese zodiac - why not more? Like unicorns and yeti and Gizmo from Gremlins. He's Chinese or something, right?

Awesome.

Ed Ranks 4XX Error Codes By How Epic They Sound

4XX Error Codes are "Client Errors," a form of HTTP status codes. You've probably seen them before. As the title of this ranking indicates, I'm going to rank them by how epic they sound. Got it?

28. File Not Found (404) - The most famous error is the most boring. Nothing is interesting about not finding something.
27. Proxy Authentication Required (407) - The only cool term involving the word "proxy" is "Proxy War." Talking about proxy authentication just makes me want to go to sleep.
26. Requested Range Not Satisfiable (416) - What? "Satisfiable" isn't even a real word.
25. URI Too Long (414) -  A "Uniform Resource Identifier" sounds like a low-level job in military logistics that focuses on choosing the sources of cloth for new BDUs.
24. Unsupported Media Type (415) - Your server requires that media files use a different file type? Whatever. It's like nobody is accepting my Windows 98 RealPlayer files anymore!
23. Upgrade Required (426) - I'm not even sure what this means. It sounds boring though and I don't want to upgrade anything. Just let me be!
22. Request Header Fields Too Large (431) - I don't care.
21. I'm a Teapot (418) - This one isn't even real, and was introduced as an April's Fool joke. It's a lame one, and there are much funnier things that the Internet Engineering Task Force could have come up with if they really wanted to try for a classic joke about Client Errors.
20.  Payment Required (402) - I don't even think this error code is used. And there is nothing epic about telling me I have to pay you. 
19. Unprocessable Entity (422) -  Sort of like the meat in Vienna sausages.
18. Request Timeout (408) - The only way this one sounds at all interesting is if you think of it as a parent requesting the Internet to sit in a corner because it's been naughty. Probably from hosting all that German midget S&M porn.
17. Unauthorized (401) - This has a slight hint of intrigue to it, because you wonder why you're not authorized. But other than that, it doesn't really sound that epic, does it?
16. Precondition Required (428) - So, like, the opposite of American insurance companies then, huh?
15. Precondition Failed (412) - The same as precondition required, but the word "failed" is cooler.
14. Failed Dependency (424) - Just like a drug addiction.
13.  Misdirected Request (421) - Like if you accidentally sexted your mom on the phone when you think you're talking to someone else.
12. Expectation Failed (417) - The story of your life, loser.
11. Method Not Allowed (405) - What your girlfriend tells you when you try anal?
10.  Locked (423) - What the hell? Someone LOCKED the damn internet! Does anyone have an extra set of keys?
9. Too Many Requests (429) - It's sort of epic that so many people are trying to go to some website that it simply stops working and explodes, right? 
8. Bad Request (400) - Sounds naughty!
7. Not Acceptable (406) - Also very naughty! You type something and the Internet, being your mom, tells you that it's not acceptable. Probably because you were searching for that German midget S&M porn yet again.
6. Unavailable For Legal Reasons (451) - It sounds like whatever you typed into the Internet to get  this message was so damn naughty that it's illegal. The FBI are probably driving to your house right now. RUN! (***Update June 27, 2017 - Just saw this referenced on Jeopardy! as the Final Jeopardy question. It's a reference to Fahrenheit 451. I'm sort of embarrassed that I didn't get it***).
5.  Payload Too Large (413) - The same title as the NASA-themed erotica I wrote.
4. Conflict (409) - Wow, conflict is pretty epic. Why not just name this error "war" or "death?"
3. Forbidden (403) -  Yikes. This is forbidden! Very foreboding. Like getting cursed after breaking into a mummy's tomb.
2. Length Required (411) - That's what she said.
1. Gone (410) - This website isn't "not found," nor "unavailable," nor "unauthorized," nor "unprocessable." It's just GONE. Gone forever. Like the dark blackness of the infinite void of the nevermore. Brutal. I wonder what the hell happened to it?

Ed Ranks Rankings

A ranking is a relationship between a set of items such that, for any two items, the first is either 'ranked higher than', 'ranked lower than' or 'ranked equal to' the second. At least that's the opening of Wikipedia's article about "ranking." For now. You can go and vandalize it and change it if you really want.

Lots of people like to rank things, let's see who does it the best. Quick note though - rankings and ratings aren't the same thing. You know about Consumer Reports and At the Movies with Siskel (RIP) and Ebert (RIP), right? They rate things, as oppose to rank things. So I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about these:

10. Ranker

Ranker.com is a website that supposedly allows people to rank things. I just clicked its first three articles and in all of them the numbers got higher rather than lower as you went on. That's the opposite of ranking. That's just a stupid list. Ranker.com sucks.

9. David Letterman

Remember how David Letterman did those Top 10 Lists? Yeah, that was a thing.

8. Search Engines

These are kind of rankings, right? Like the first one that comes up is the #1. I dunno. Maybe not. I really needed to have ten different things on this list, so just accept this one as a form of ranking whether you agree or not.

7. Alexa

It ranks Internet sites by how many people visit them and stuff. Big deal. Whatever.

6. US News and World Report

This used to be an actual physical magazine and it debuted in 1933. Now it's a website that largely just ranks various nonsense. Colleges. Healthcare. Jobs. Hotels. In fairness it has been ranking nonsense for a while. Its college rankings go back to the 80's. Kudos to it for at least realizing that print media was dead and adjusting to the Internets.

5. Charles Edward Spearman, Fellow of the Royal Society (RIP)

The designer and namesake of Spearman's rank correlation coefficient (often denoted by the Greek letter ρ [rho]), a nonparametric measure of rank correlation which can be described as the statistical dependence between the ranking of two variables. So there you go. Good work Spearman, you knew how to rank shit so well.

4. Gawker (RIP, sorta)

Gawker ranked/ranks a lot of crap. And I guess here I'm talking about the whole of Gawker Media (which still exists as a subsidiary of Univision, short of Gawker itself). Gawker even had a rankings.gawker.com sub-site between 2013 and 2015 that just ranked stuff. But in general, all of the Gawker Media sites ranked a whole bunch of things. I guess they were/are good-ish at it. But the sub-site was really unnecessary what with a lot of the rest of their websites ranking things all the time anyway.

3. Cracked

Cracked was a horrible, fake Mad Magazine knock-off that nobody cared about and that eventually re-invented itself as a website that ranks things. I suppose it's pretty good at doing this. Although I really haven't visited the website in years because it doesn't really work that well on my computer for some reason. It always freezes up my browser. Is it some adblocker I have? Is it the fact that I'm still on Firefox like a cave person? I'm not quite sure. If I cared enough I'd have looked into why my computer comes to a grinding halt whenever I visit this website that I once enjoyed. Instead I just stopped going to it. Half the stuff was poorly researched anyway.

2. Sports

Sports loves ranking things. College football, and so on. Yeaaaaaa, ranks!

1. Ed Ranks Everything

Duh.

Ed Ranks the Top 10 Most Adorable Animals

10. Pigs - Think pigs are disgusting and filthy because they roll around in mud and their own poo? Whatever, you're wrong. Pigs are freaking adorable. It's a damn shame bacon is so delicious.

Awwww!

9. Ducks - Birds are, overall, hideous monsters. They're really just small, evolved dinosaurs when you think about it. Not ducks though. Ducks are soOooOooo cute. Especially when they're babies.

8. Raccoons - Like pigs, you might disagree since you believe these are filthy, trash-eating menaces. But just look at that adorable little racoon burglar face. I know these guys are wild, but I still want to catch one and raise it so that it loves me.

7. Seals / Sea Lions - I'm still not sure what the difference between these two animals are.

6. Otters - Cute in principle just based on looks alone. They seem so sweet and innocent. Yeah, they seem that way.

5. Bunnies - So cute. I know Germans and others want me to try to eat bunnies - but that's a line too far. These are pets, not food.

4. Dogs - Dogs, Doggos, Puppers and their ilk (I'm including all members of the family Canid here - including your many breeds of domesticated dogs as well as wolves, foxes and so on) are super cute.  Especially foxes. Like Artic Foxes. How cute are those? "Insanely cute" is the correct answer, if you were playing for points at home. They're not the cutest so. Sorry.

3. Penguins - Penguins are a bird that is the anti-bird. As noted with ducks - most birds are disgusting. Penguins are not. Also, the whole purpose of birds is to fly. They have wings. Penguins do not. Well, they do sort of fly - but under water. But we already have a term for that, and it's called swimming. These are confused birds that think they're fish but also cleverly discuss themselves in little tuxedos and waddle around like they drank too much.

It's like some sort of cute red dog-cat.

2. Red Pandas - Red Pandas are essentially racoon that were injected with a super ultra-cute serum. Like you know how Captain America got that serum that made him super strong? Same thing, but with super cuteness. I mean just look at these fuzzy red things.

1. Cats - This is the internet, and by now you should have known that cats have won the internet. Like with dogs, I'm referring to all cats here - both your house ones as well as their wild and larger cousins. You know what makes a house cat different from a lion or tiger? Absolutely not a damn thing other than size. You give either a box and they will live inside of it like it is the greatest thing ever. You turn your head and they both plot to destroy and kill you. Mittens is probably unable to kill you with its tiny 12-pound body... but the intent is still there. But just look at how damn cute it is when its trying to kill you. And that whole purring thing. Adorbs!

Every cat does this. Every cat.

Ed Ranks Doctor Who Companions

Here at Ed Ranks Everything, I'm allowed to set arbitrary rules. So here they are:

• One-shot episode companions don't count. I'm talking largely about all those Christmas specials between companions (your Astrid Peths), your people who push the story forward in a companion-lite episode (your Sally Sparrows and Craig Owenses), and those other one-shotters from the 2009 specials (your Lady Christina de Souzas). 
• What about two-shot companions? Yes, I accept that Craig Owens technically came back a second time... but who cares? James Corden is doing fine with his stupid carpool karaoke and doesn't need me to count him. Also, Matt Lucas / Nardole doesn't count yet because it's only been two Christmas specials in a row and technically we haven't seen him as a for-reals companion yet.
• Those UNIT people from the 1970s don't count. I'm talking about the Brigadier, Sgt. Benton, and Captain Yates. Yes, they were great characters who drove the stories forward. Yes, they are more important and meaningful in Doctor Who history than a lot of the "companions" which I am counting. But they really weren't "companion-ey" enough, were they? Everyone knows damn well who the Third Doctor's real three companions were, and you'll see them in the ranks.
• I am counting characters like Adam Mitchell and Katarina - who joined the Doctor in the TARDIS and were immediately gotten rid of in the next episode/serial. Yes, I know they aren't important at all. But they still had those scenes where they were set up to make everyone see them as the next companion. Even if they were really just fodder all along.
• Grace Holloway? Sure, I'll count her. I know she never really "traveled" through time and space with the Doctor, but she is otherwise very much given the standard companion characterizations and role throughout the TV movie. Chang Lee doesn't make the cut though. That's not me being racist against Asians. It's just that he was really more the Master's companion than the Doctor's companion. Does it seem unfair that I count Grace as a companion when she was only in one episode while Owens and Nardole are in two episodes? Whatever. Give the Eighth Doctor a break. 
• Sara Kingdom? Eh - this one is tough. The BBC's official website doesn't include her but a number of other official Doctor Who sources do. She was used as a sort of a stop-gap companion-type of character for the duration of The Daleks' Master Plan. She never made it out of the serial alive - but then again it was twelve damn parts long. I'll say she counts.
• River Song obviously counts.Wilfred Mott? Nah.
• Let's just stick to the televised TV series. While I'd love to talk at length to all of you about the accolades of Frobisher and Destrii, how about instead I just not? Click those links if you're really interested. And if you don't have to click those links because you already know who they both are... you're my kind of person!

40. Mel Bush - Just the worst. It's no wonder the Doctor was ultimately destined to turn into the evil Valeyard with this naggy, screaming bitch throwing carrot juice in his face. 
39. Adam Mitchell - I said above that Adam counted as a companion. Not that he was a good one. Adam sucks hard and he should have been exterminated.
38. Dodo Chaplet - Remember that scene where the Doctor gave Dodo her tearful farewell? Of course you don't because it never happened. They just got rid of this annoying character off-screen by not featuring her for several episodes and then saying "Oh, she left." As the classic poet William "Ice Cube" Shakespeare once said: "Bye, Felicia."
37. Vicki - The first "new" companion added to the show after original cast members departed. Not memorable and soon gone herself. Let's not bring up just how creepy the episode she was introduced in was. For those unfamiliar, she was essentially a teenager being held hostage by a creepy old man who pretended to be a monster so that he could hold out until she was 18 to mack on her. Or something like that. Look, it's been a while since I watched "The Rescue." It's not exactly the best episode.

Here's Ben's pale ass being shirtless. If that's your thing.

36. Ben Jackson - Am I ranking this guy too low because they threw almost every episode he was in into an incinerator? Maybe. But then again having the Cracker Jack logo for a companion is super lame.
35. Jo Grant - I cannot stand Jo Grant. At all. Nothing would have made me happier than that fungus sap on her hand from Planet of the Daleks just slowly consuming her whole. It never happened. Is the fact that she did a topless photoshoot in the 70's with a dalek supposed to attract me? It doesn't. The only fantasy I ever have about this companion is of an Ogron snapping her fucking neck.
34. Katarina - She was just in two serials/five episodes total. Why does she rank higher than the similar Adam Micthell? Because at least she had a cool backstory where she was an Ancient Greek slave lady. And Doctor Who popped its companion murdering cherry by throwing her out of an airlock in space. Brutal, and 20 years before Adric
33. Kamelion - Did you forget about Kamelion? Probably, if you even remembered his/its existence. Kamelion could have been awesome because he/it could transform into other people. All things considered, it could have been a pretty cheap special effect for a cheap 80's show with wobbly sets. Just hire some random dude or lady to play him/it in an episode and be like, "this is my disguise today." But the writers, like, just forgot that he existed or remembered that the Fifth Doctor already had like four damn companions.
32. Sara Kingdom - She was badass for the short time she was a sort-of companion. Fun Fact 1: she was Jon Pertwee's ex-wife. In case you didn't know. I assume you did know she (the actress) came back in Battlefield. If you didn't, the rest of this ranking is going to be pretty boring for you because I'm REALLY getting into the minutia of Doctor Who trivia, in case you didn't already realize.
31. Polly - Polly and Ben were introduced together in the same episode and left together in the same episode. They're pretty much the same. And of the two, Polly is the one who didn't even get a last name. So why does Polly rank higher than Ben Jackson? Two reasons. In case that was too subtle for you, I'm talking about her breasts.
30. Grace Holloway - A companion of the Doctor that is also a doctor? That would impress me if she were a good doctor, but she's not since she pretty much killed the Seventh Doctor with shoddy surgery. And was that crying at the opera stuff supposed to endear her to the average American viewer? No wonder everyone watched the series finale of Rosanne instead of this TV movie. Chang Lee got all the good lines anyway.
29. Susan Foreman - The Doctor's granddaughter was largely uninteresting. No wonder he just left her on a post-apocalyptic Earth with a man she barely knew and was like, "Yes, one day I will return." Did he ever return? NOPE. 

Are.. are you here to fix my toilet?

28. Victoria Waterfield - I don't dislike Victoria, but she didn't do much other than scream and be confused by anything more advanced that 19th-Century technology. And being confused by technology was already Jamie's shtick.We'll get to Jaime in good time.
27. Nyssa of Trakken - Smart and nice enough, but kind of an annoying show-off. The Doctor pretty much only took her in as a companion out of sympathy because, you know, her father was murdered by the Master and her entire planet was destroyed. Also by the Master. Honestly, the episode Logopolis probably has the highest death count in any episode of any TV series or media ever. The Master practically destroyed a quarter of the entire universe via entropy in this episode... but they mention that really quickly and just move on with the episode like it was nothing. He probably killed like a trillion billion people.
26. Donna Noble - I really didn't like Donna Noble in her first Christmas special, and wasn't too fond of her in my first viewing of Series 4. Upon a second watching she grew on me a little. Not much, but a little. Catherine Tate's sense of humor just doesn't connect to me.
25. Mickey Smith - He had his moments. High high water mark was that "Know Your Roots" Nintendo shirt.
24. Adric - Boy did the Cybermen fuck this kid's shit up. A gold star for mathematics and a gold star for dinosaur genocide.
23. Harry Sullivan - The only fault in Harry Sullivan is that there wasn't enough Harry Sullivan. It had been years since the Doctor had a male companion and it was about time. The stuff back and forth between Harry and the Fourth Doctor was great, but it didn't last long enough. Season 12 just might be the best season there ever was.
22. Steven Taylor - Swashbuckling space Captain. Hells yeah. This dude's job was to go around punching people. Peter Purves' American accent in The Chase is highly questionable though.
21. Barbara Wright - Solid starter companion. Great actress. But still unfortunately regulated to a role of just screaming a lot.
20. Clara Oswald - Jenna Coleman started out great in Asylum of the Daleks, but I think everyone got tired of her being so special and magic and important.
19. Ian Chesterton - Same as Barbara. Was actually the real "hero" of the show at the beginning when the Doctor was just some creepy old alien who hated humans. Which was kind of awesome. 
18. Romana II - Eh, I liked Romana I better. Romana II just sort of became "I'm a female version of the Doctor." 
17. Liz Shaw - The first time a female companion was treated like a smart, capable person that could stand up to the Doctor and not just as someone who screamed a lot. It was about time! Fans obviously weren't ready and the show reverted back to the completely useless Jo Grant after a season.
16. Zoe Heriot - Even though Zoe was an astrophysicist, all I remember her doing was screaming and not understanding things. Dat tight sparkly jumpsuit tho.

Fun Fact 2: Shirts looked like this in the 80s

15. River Song - Her first appearance was the best and she could never quite live up to how great she was there. But then again RTD was a better showrunner than Moffat. There. I said it.  And I stand by it.

14. Tegan Jovanka - I know I should be more annoyed by this crazed Australian flight attendant who is so obsessed with flying that she wanders into a blue police box on the side of a highway, assumes it must be an airplane, and demands to speak to the pilot. I presume she does this at restaurants and in bathrooms too. Tegan: "I demand to speak to the pilot!" Waiter: "Uh, this is a Red Lobster, m'am." She is just so awesomely 80's though. Every episode with her is like watching a 30-minute long Duran Duran music video.
13. Romana I - Better than Romana II. She feuded with the Doctor and was constantly rolling her eyes at him. She was so done with all of his shit.
12. Vislor Turlough - This dude was a sleeper agent for the Black Guardian and joined the TARDIS crew so he could viciously murder the Doctor. At least at first. How cool of a setup is that? After 20 years of companions who are largely just there... we get someone who we actually think about because we can't trust him. Of course he's a soulless ginger. He's also the last Doctor Who companion who is an alien rather than a human. This guy rocks and is severely under-rated.
11. Peri Brown - From the time Peri was introduced in a bikini scene we knew she served exactly one purpose on this show. I am okay with that. But that horrible fake American accent was like nails on a chalk board. Did you learn nothing from Purves?
10. Rose Tyler - In a way it was refreshing with the new series for the companion to sort of be of equal importance to the Doctor. But in another way the show is named Doctor Who. I got a little tired of watching The Rose Tyler Show and was glad to see her gone after two series. 
9. K-9 - Every show needs a sassy genius talking robotic dog. Every. Show. Just imagine how more infinitely watchable ER would have been if Anthony Edwards had a robot dog assistant.Yes, I know ER already had River Song but it would have been even better with K-9.
8. Jamie McCrimmon - The fact that for almost three entire seasons Doctor Who was just a buddy comedy between a genius space alien and an violent, easily confused 18th-Century Scottish bagpiper is still incredible to me to this day. Jaime was great.
7. Leela - Leela was sort of a female Jamie, but even better because she wore a loincloth and wanted to go around stabbing everybody. Most episodes with Leela featured the Fourth Doctor constantly having to remind her that it wasn't cool to plunge knives into people for no reason. She generally ignored said advice.
6. Martha Jones - I like Martha so much, except for all of the mopey "unrequited love for the Doctor" scenes. Unfortunately, those ended up being more common than not. There must be a Series 3 fan-cut somewhere that just removes those. Like the version of The Phantom Menace with Jar Jar extracted.
5. Captain Jack Harkness - So cool he got his own spinoff. Which didn't suck. Sorry K-9 and Company, The Sarah Jane Chronicles, and Class.

This is how cops dress, right?

4. Amy Pond - Let's be honest. The TV show, designed for family viewing on Saturday evenings, politely referred to her as a "Kissogram." I'm pretty sure we can all justifiably assume that this is a code word for "escort." The Doctor got a hot ginger escort (dressed up like a slutty cop) as his companion who, since being a little girl, had been completely obsessed with him because he had time traveled to her past. He even took her away on the night before her wedding. The Doctor is a damn pimp.
3. Ace - A girl with a punk rock vibe who just seemed to hate everything about life, wore a leather jacket, and went around hitting everything with her baseball bat. Yeah, cool A.F. The worst part about Doctor Who being cancelled in 1989 is not getting to see more Ace. Sure, I guess you could read the Virgin New Adventures line of books, but reading is for losers and none of that stuff is canon anyway. How can it be canon? Human Nature (novel) and Human Nature (episode) can't both be canon, can they?
2. Sarah Jane Smith - Almost the best. So close Sarah Jane, so close.
1. Rory Williams - Obviously.

Ed Ranks the 10 Most Annoying Deus ex Machina Film Endings

"Deus ex Machina" translates as "god from the machine," and its concept originates in a number of ancient Greek plays where the gods swoop down at the end to resolve the story. Although more specifically in this day and age -- the term has come to mean any plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly resolved by an unexpected event.  Let's talk about these shitty plot devices, shall we?

10. (Tie) A million different films where "the cavalry" arrives just in time.  And "cavalry" doesn't have to specifically refer to a horsed military unit, but that's basically what I'm getting at. Like the rest of the American forces showing up at the end of Saving Private Ryan. Or the forces showing up at the end of Jurassic Park III. Or the blue Smurf cat people showing up at the end of Avatar. Or the Excelsior showing up at the end of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. You get the picture. Although this is verging less on "Deus ex Machina" and more on "poor story-writing that relies on coincidences for drama." Speaking of which, I should write one of these lists about movies that rely on unbelievable coincidences to push the story forward. Maybe one day.

9. The Dark Knight. Even good films can suffer from the Deus ex Machina. Oh hey look, Batman created a machine that can transform every cell phone into a sonar system that will allow him to track down the Joker! Let's very quickly note the fact that there are horrible moral implications to this technology and then immediately blow up the machine that does it to avoid the consequences of those very moral implications. This one is ranked fairly low with regards to "annoying" though because, as noted, it still is a good film. And a truly annoying Deus ex Machina comes out of nowhere. This one at least made an effort by foreshadowing the technology earlier in the film. Which sort of means this one is also sort of a Chekhov's gun. I'm not explaining that one, look it up yourself. And no, it has nothing to do with Star Trek.

The stars of the two-minute Director's Cut of LoTR

8.  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Those damn eagles showing up was really annoying. Is this technically just the same thing as #10 again? Yeah. But this one needs to be pointed out because how stupid it is and because how it negates the entire journey of the film series. Some fans point out that the eagles were supposed to be ornery and not really take orders that well as a justification, but that's just a lame defense. Again, fine film. It completely swept all 11 Academy Awards for which it was nominated, including Best Picture. And it's really the source material's fault. But still. Lame.

7. Raiders of the Lost Ark. This "god from the machine" was actually God. So it has that going for it. Still, the Ark in this film is an amazing combination of MacGuffin and Deus Ex Machina combined together. It's like Lucas and Spielberg lazily glanced at TVTropes.com prior to writing the end. And I know the internet didn't exist in the 70s, but that's what it's like. TVTropes was probably a book back then or something, right? Just like how your parents had that Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide book before IMDB existed. Remember those? Do you think they still sell them? Maybe as tinder to help start your fireplace in the winter.

6.  The Wizard of Oz. So wait, was this all a dream or what? Even if it wasn't a dream and it did happen - tapping magic shoes to go home still sucks.

5.  Star Trek Into Darkness. I believe I have mentioned before about how this film is awful. The original Star Trek film series had an epic two movie story about a feud with Khan, Spock's tragic death, and resurrection. It was well-paced and the use of the "Genesis Device" made for a plot that built onto itself and wound up at a sensible conclusion. This crapfest however, decided to just go with "how about we just make Khan's blood magic."  And did the writers even think of the repercussions of this development? Khan's magic blood should just make everyone immortal now in the entire universe, huh?

All space locust motherships run on Mac OS 7.5.3

4. Independence Day. Good thing those shitty aliens have shitty1990s Mac-based computer systems running their shitty spaceship, or else that shitty computer virus uploaded by Dr. Ian Malcolm would have never worked. See what I did there? Ian Malcolm was a completely different film. I am a comic genius. 

3. The Matrix Revolutions. This one tried to be cute by actually pointing out that the Deus ex Machina was a Deus ex Machina by naming it "Deus ex Machina." But if the Matrix film series was any good (which it isn't after the first one), the Deus ex Machina would have been hinted at prior to it showing up at the end of Part III as a Deus ex Machina. But it never was, which just makes it a fucking lazy Deus ex Machina. And technically, the only good Matrix film (again, the first one) also sort of ended with a Deus ex Machina by Neo suddenly just "realizing" that he didn't have to die in the Matrix because... uhm... Trinity loved him or something. I dunno. Still, I'm not criticizing that one. It was awesome.


2. (Tie) War of the Worlds / Signs / Attack of the Killer Tomatoes / Mars Attacks. I hate this one, and I want to specifically point out how awful these four film endings are. This is the "enemies defeated by unexpectedly simple thing that is absolutely prevalent" ending. In War of the Worlds, the aliens were killed because they were allergic to a bacteria on Earth. Which the aliens should have looked into before they invaded. Again, you have to blame the source writer one for that though rather than the film itself. Signs took this exact same stupid alien invasion concept and made it stupider by making the thing that killed the aliens water. I can see some stupid aliens not thinking too hard about bacteria - but it should have been pretty damn obvious for them to not invade a planet made up mostly of the very thing that kills them. And speaking of water killing the villain... how about that #6 again too, huh?  Oh, and let's not forget the cult classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, where the aforementioned fruits (don't argue with me about this) were killed by really bad music. Which was a super-lame ending. But not as bad as when Mars Attacks used the exact same plot device, making it a bastardized mashup of the worst parts of War of the Worlds (martians attacking and being killed by something dumb) and AotKT (bad music being that something done).

I wish I could turn back time to get the 143
wasted minutes that is this film back

1. Superman (1978). Spinning the Earth backwards to turn time backwards is the stupidest fucking thing that has ever been done in the history of cinema. And that includes making Jessie Spano a pole-licking stripper. Neither Antonio Banderas nor Lucy Liu ever turned the world backwards in Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, thus making Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever an indisputably better movie than Superman: The Movie. The original ending was supposed to be Superman punching the missile into space and accidentally opening the Phantom Zone and releasing Zod and crew, thus naturally introducing the villains to the sequel. Which would have been infinitely cooler. However, even had that original vision have held... the ending of Superman II (which was being filmed simultaneously) was supposed to have still been the stupid time backwards thing. So one way or another this terrible ending would have happened. Despite its criticism, Man of Steel has a masterpiece ending in comparison. I'm sure Debbie Does Dallas does as well, although I have no idea how that one actually ends. I can make an educated guess though. 

The film Ex Machina actually has nothing to do with this list of Deus ex Machina plot devises, but I feel it's important to include this video again anyway.