Thursday, January 26, 2017

Ed Ranks 4XX Error Codes By How Epic They Sound

4XX Error Codes are "Client Errors," a form of HTTP status codes. You've probably seen them before. As the title of this ranking indicates, I'm going to rank them by how epic they sound. Got it?

28. File Not Found (404) - The most famous error is the most boring. Nothing is interesting about not finding something.
27. Proxy Authentication Required (407) - The only cool term involving the word "proxy" is "Proxy War." Talking about proxy authentication just makes me want to go to sleep.
26. Requested Range Not Satisfiable (416) - What? "Satisfiable" isn't even a real word.
25. URI Too Long (414) -  A "Uniform Resource Identifier" sounds like a low-level job in military logistics that focuses on choosing the sources of cloth for new BDUs.
24. Unsupported Media Type (415) - Your server requires that media files use a different file type? Whatever. It's like nobody is accepting my Windows 98 RealPlayer files anymore!
23. Upgrade Required (426) - I'm not even sure what this means. It sounds boring though and I don't want to upgrade anything. Just let me be!
22. Request Header Fields Too Large (431) - I don't care.
21. I'm a Teapot (418) - This one isn't even real, and was introduced as an April's Fool joke. It's a lame one, and there are much funnier things that the Internet Engineering Task Force could have come up with if they really wanted to try for a classic joke about Client Errors.
20.  Payment Required (402) - I don't even think this error code is used. And there is nothing epic about telling me I have to pay you. 
19. Unprocessable Entity (422) Sort of like the meat in Vienna sausages.
18. Request Timeout (408) - The only way this one sounds at all interesting is if you think of it as a parent requesting the Internet to sit in a corner because it's been naughty. Probably from hosting all that German midget S&M porn.
17. Unauthorized (401) - This has a slight hint of intrigue to it, because you wonder why you're not authorized. But other than that, it doesn't really sound that epic, does it?
16. Precondition Required (428) - So, like, the opposite of American insurance companies then, huh?
15. Precondition Failed (412) - The same as precondition required, but the word "failed" is cooler.
14. Failed Dependency (424) - Just like a drug addiction.
13.  Misdirected Request (421) - Like if you accidentally sexted your mom on the phone when you think you're talking to someone else.
12. Expectation Failed (417) - The story of your life, loser.
11. Method Not Allowed (405) - What your girlfriend tells you when you try anal?
10.  Locked (423) - What the hell? Someone LOCKED the damn internet! Does anyone have an extra set of keys?
9. Too Many Requests (429) - It's sort of epic that so many people are trying to go to some website that it simply stops working and explodes, right? 
8. Bad Request (400) - Sounds naughty!
7. Not Acceptable (406) - Also very naughty! You type something and the Internet, being your mom, tells you that it's not acceptable. Probably because you were searching for that German midget S&M porn yet again.
6. Unavailable For Legal Reasons (451) - It sounds like whatever you typed into the Internet to get  this message was so damn naughty that it's illegal. The FBI are probably driving to your house right now. RUN! (***Update June 27, 2017 - Just saw this referenced on Jeopardy! as the Final Jeopardy question. It's a reference to Fahrenheit 451. I'm sort of embarrassed that I didn't get it***).
5.  Payload Too Large (413) - The same title as the NASA-themed erotica I wrote.
4. Conflict (409) - Wow, conflict is pretty epic. Why not just name this error "war" or "death?"
3. Forbidden (403) -  Yikes. This is forbidden! Very foreboding. Like getting cursed after breaking into a mummy's tomb.
2. Length Required (411) - That's what she said.
1. Gone (410) - This website isn't "not found," nor "unavailable," nor "unauthorized," nor "unprocessable." It's just GONE. Gone forever. Like the dark blackness of the infinite void of the nevermore. Brutal. I wonder what the hell happened to it?

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