Happy Chinese New Year and welcome to the year of the cock (heh)! Let's rank those Zodiac animals by how cool it is for a person to be a particular one of them...
12. Rat - Geez, it's got to suck to be a rat. Is there any culture where being called a rat is actually a good thing?
11. Pig - Being called a pig is almost as bad as being called a rat. The only good thing pigs have going for them is that they have the power to transform into delicious bacon. Which isn't really an attribute people should use to promote themselves.
10. Ox - An ox is a beast of burden. If that doesn't sound bad enough to you... take into account that, by definition, oxen are all castrated.
9. Dog - Why does it have to be a normal dog? This could have been a lot cooler if it was some wild wolf or something. Being called a dog by someone is not extremely nice, even if you personally like dogs.
8. Goat - Goats are idiot farm animals that eat anything you put in front of them. Like plastic or your fingers.
7. Cock - Hehehe, cock.
6. Rabbit - Fuzzy and cute! But still something that a lot of people cook in a pot.
5. Monkey - I'm so glad I'm not a monkey. That would be so insulting. These poo-flinging things are gross.
4. Snake - I'm no fan of the evil creatures made of pure hatred that are snakes, but at least they are crafty predators who kill. That's better than being another animal which is mainly food.
3. Horse - I guess it's cool to be a horse, right? They're pretty sweet animals. We usually associate them with strength and power and speed and use them in warfare.
2. Tiger - Wow, this is a sweet animal to be. An apex predator that can just kill everything in sight if it wanted to. I know in my hypothetical animal fighting tournament, I'd put all my money on the tiger to win.
1. Dragon - It seems unfair that some people get to be a cool-ass fictional animal that doesn't even exist. One that can fly and breath fire. If you're going to have one fictional animal in the Chinese zodiac - why not more? Like unicorns and yeti and Gizmo from Gremlins. He's Chinese or something, right?
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| Sorry! You're a plague-ridden rodent. |
11. Pig - Being called a pig is almost as bad as being called a rat. The only good thing pigs have going for them is that they have the power to transform into delicious bacon. Which isn't really an attribute people should use to promote themselves.
10. Ox - An ox is a beast of burden. If that doesn't sound bad enough to you... take into account that, by definition, oxen are all castrated.
9. Dog - Why does it have to be a normal dog? This could have been a lot cooler if it was some wild wolf or something. Being called a dog by someone is not extremely nice, even if you personally like dogs.
8. Goat - Goats are idiot farm animals that eat anything you put in front of them. Like plastic or your fingers.
7. Cock - Hehehe, cock.
6. Rabbit - Fuzzy and cute! But still something that a lot of people cook in a pot.
5. Monkey - I'm so glad I'm not a monkey. That would be so insulting. These poo-flinging things are gross.
4. Snake - I'm no fan of the evil creatures made of pure hatred that are snakes, but at least they are crafty predators who kill. That's better than being another animal which is mainly food.
3. Horse - I guess it's cool to be a horse, right? They're pretty sweet animals. We usually associate them with strength and power and speed and use them in warfare.
2. Tiger - Wow, this is a sweet animal to be. An apex predator that can just kill everything in sight if it wanted to. I know in my hypothetical animal fighting tournament, I'd put all my money on the tiger to win.
1. Dragon - It seems unfair that some people get to be a cool-ass fictional animal that doesn't even exist. One that can fly and breath fire. If you're going to have one fictional animal in the Chinese zodiac - why not more? Like unicorns and yeti and Gizmo from Gremlins. He's Chinese or something, right?
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| Awesome. |
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