Ed Ranks Dante's Nine Circles of the Inferno

Welcome to hell! Looks like you've been a bad boy or girl and wound up here. I'm sorry about that. You must have done something really, really bad. Like stab a pagan, genocidal slaver /slash/ dictator. If you do that, you'll be right at the center of hell. At least according to Dante, who is a fucking idiot.

Still, for some reason they teach his worthless political propaganda in history class, despite that (rather being great literature) The Divine Comedy is just some petty bullshit by a moron who wanted to say everyone he didn't like was in hell and that God's guide through heaven was some dead girl who he used to have a sad, pathetic crush on, but who probably never even knew he was.

Sorry. I feel like I've ranted about this before. Where was I? Oh right. The Inferno. Here are the nine circles of hell, ranked. Ranked how? By how interesting they are. Which is hard, because several of these circles are just plain stupid.


9. Eighth Circle (Fraud)

Oh, this looks like fun.

Okay, so for some reason "fraud" is now a worse sin than murder because this is one circle down from "Violence," which includes murderers. Here, Dante divides the fraudulent into ten types of people and no way do I have time to explain the dumb-ass reasoning behind Dante's dumb-ass categorizations. He throws these ten types of people into ten different ditches. They get various punishments including being whipped or hacked apart for eternity by demons, steeped deep in shit, have their feet burned, be horribly contorted, thrown in a lake of boiling pitch, bitten by snakes, etc.  There is just too much shit going on in this circle of hell and Dante goes into various extended rants up on a pedestal about mundane political nonsense.  This one is the worst because Dante clearly was running out of circles and was like, "Oh shit! There are only nine circles? I can't rewrite this shit because Word Processors haven't been created yet and I wrote 'nine' earlier! Fuck fuck fuck! I guess I'm just going to create a leftover circle of hell that throws all sorts of random bullshit in it!"

• Notable Residents: Dante spends forever in the Eighth Circle of hell, what with him droning on about the ten damn categories of it. He loves putting Popes here. This place is a Pope convention. Mixed up with a good collection of Greco-Roman mythological figures. Which still continues to make so sense because Dante is supposed to be a Christian and not actually believe in pagan myths. Dante is a pretty terrible Christian. Oh, there is also a category here called "seducers," so you can bet Dante is going to get his extreme misogyny on (see also: #1).

8. Fifth Circle (Anger)

In the swampy, stinky waters of the River Styx - the wrathful are forced to fight on top of the slimy water while the sullen (basically people who are wrathful but too lazy to actually do anything) are drowning beneath it. There, these people all find no joy. Really? That's sort of messed up. Especially the "sullen" thing. Basically if you get angry and control yourself and do nothing about it, Dante says you still go to hell for being "sullen." Fuck you, Dante. Also, this one is BORING.

• Notable Residents: Filippo Argenti, a Florentine politician who once confiscated Dante’s property. Yep. Dante is such a petty, fucking sad loser that after he failed to pay his bills and after the repo man took his shit, he wrote a mopey, emo journal entry saying that the repo man now lives in hell for all eternity. Then people found this sad journal and published it and--to this day--force kids to read Dante whine about people who he thought were mean to him. It sounds like the person who is REALLY angry is Dante, not Filippo.

7. First Circle (Limbo)

Behold the hellish torture of... A CASTLE!
OoOoOoo!

Limbo is a castle with seven gates that represent the seven virtues.  Why, this doesn't sound that bad at all.  If I was told that I was going to go to hell, and hell just ended up being a pretty normal-looking castle... I'd be okay with that. I mean rich people specifically build castles to live in! This is a place where people actually want to go. I can't imagine leading a life of crime and the judge sentencing me to live for eternity in a castle with seven gates. I'd be like, "Dude, sweet!" Still, I can't rank this one that high since it seems like Dante put zero thought into it, other than, "Uhh... castle?"

• Notable Residents: Pretty much all your old-time ancient Greek philosophers. Almost anyone from before Jesus. Did you live a good and moral life where you saved people, spread knowledge and hope, and fought evil? Too bad, loser. You're still in hell for not being Christian! You know who else is here? A genocidal slaver /slash/ dictator. Yep. Murder, own slaves and try to become dictator for life and you get a light slap on the wrist in the mildest form of hell.

6. Seventh Circle (Violence)

So how is violence different than Anger/Wrath? I mean I understand in principle, but in the Fifth Circle, Dante explicitly called out "the wrathful" as angry people who take action on their anger, which I assume means through violence. Whatever. What happens here? Well, actually different things because there are three rings to the Seventh Circle. In the outer ring are murderers, who sink in a boiling river of blood and fire. In the middle ring are people who committed suicide, and who are turned into trees that are fed on by harpies. Finally, in the inner ring are the blasphemers, sodomites and usurers who are placed in a burning plain of sand with burning rain falling from the sky. Suicides? Sodomites? Yep. Of course Dante hates people who kill themselves and gays too. As with the Eighth Circle, here Dante is just scatter-brained and tries to throw in too much.

• Notable Residents: Alexander the Great. Oh, Dante also basically takes a few random historical and contemporary figures he didn't like and just accuses them of being Sodomites and puts them in this part of hell because he's an asshat.

5. Ninth Circle (Treachery)

Satan is punished by being sent to an ice hotel and given snacks. Dumb!

The greatest sin according to Dante is treachery. So I guess it's worse than murder again, huh? Here in the deepest level of hell, it's actually not hot - it's cold.  A frozen lake called Cocytus, in fact. I guess that aspect about the Ninth and final Circle makes it sort of iconic. But it's also iconically stupid. Dante divides things up into four different "rounds," including traitors to kin (encased in ice up to their necks), traitors to country (same as above, but up to their head rather than neck so they can't bend their heads to shield their faces from freezing wind), traitors to guests (lying facing up in the ice for their tears to freeze), and the traitors to lords (fully encapsulated in ice in twisted, distorted positions). In addition to these four is the "center" of hell where Satan lives, also encased in ice. This is all very stupid.

• Notable Residents: The Devil. And tons of people who are, again, generally mythological figures and people that Dante just didn't like. Dante does super petty shit here in this circle like kick people in the head and shout at them. Again, because he's a piece of petty, sad shit who didn't have enough balls to do that to anyone in real life. Oh, and I forgot to mention that encased with Satan are the three "ultimate" betrayers: Brutus, Gaius, and Judas. Satan snacks on them. Which is stupid. Why are we giving the devil snacks? What kind of a moronic hell is this? The devil is barely even being tortured! I bet he likes that ice since the rest of hell is so hot. 

4. Third Circle (Gluttony)

Pictured: rain and not-a-worm.

Being forced to live in a vile, putrid slush made of never ending ice-rain while Cerberus, a worm, guards you to make sure you don't leave.  Yeah, this is starting to sound pretty bad. The jump from the Second Circle to the Third is a pretty big one. A few questions though. First - Cerberus is one of the most famous characters in mythology and is clearly a three-headed dog. Everyone knows that. So why the hell is he a worm here? Did Dante not bother to even do the slightest bit of research? Probably not. Second question - how is the vile, putrid slush made of ice rain? I'd think that ice rain would be pretty clean. I mean it's ice. The natural process of evaporation should make any condensation that comes down later relatively pure. Okay, I know there are exceptions to this. Did Dante foresee acid rain?

• Notable Residents: Fat people. This all seems like a really harsh punishment for being fat. Dante seems to have a problem with plus-sized people. Is he Ed Razek? Yeah. That's right. Ed Ranks Everything often links to Fashionista blogs. Deal with it.

3. Fourth Circle (Greed)

Here, the greedy people are divided onto two sides. The hoarders (who needlessly collected wealth and did nothing with it) and the spenders (who needlessly collected wealth and lavishly spent it).  The two sides joust against one another for all eternity, in matches that are refereed by Plutus, who is apparently different from Pluto.  All-in-all, this doesn't seem that bad. A jousting competition? I'd much rather have a lance fight than be trapped on putrid slush. Any gluttons out there should try to also be greedy, so they can hope to get sent down a level to what is basically a fun-ass Renaissance Faire.

• Notable Residents: Popes, Cardinals, priests. Yep. Actual Christian clergy who Dante doesn't like get sent to a deeper, worse place in hell than Caesar because Italians have weird hyper-national love towards genocidal monsters. 

2. Sixth Circle (Heresy)

Being surrounded by fire actually looks sort of cool.

Heresy? Now we're getting somewhere! This one sounds like a pretty awesome sin. This has got to be some meaty punishment, eh? Let's see... ah... it is "being trapped in flaming tombs for all eternity." HOLY SHIT! That's hardcore, Dante. Hard. Core. I like the fire stuff.

• Notable Residents: Emperors, Cardinals and Popes that Dante didn't like. Jean Grey?

1. Second Circle (Lust)

The terrible fate you will receive for the unforgivable sin of lust is being blown by strong winds that never allow you to rest or find peace. Yep. As punishment for being lustful, you're going to get BLOWN FOREVER. Hahaha, yeaaaaah. "I'm trying to sleep but can't because I keep getting BLOWN." The Second and First Circles of Hell sound pretty damn fun. Get blown. Hang out in a castle. Maybe see if you can see the Fourth Circle and watch some jousting. 

• Notable Residents: Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Dido, a contemporary woman named Francesca da Rimini who... hey... wait a minute. Dante sure is singling out a lot of women for "lust." Wow. What a misogynist asshole. Helen of Troy? Helen of Troy? That woman was pretty much kidnapped and and she gets sent to hell for it? I wonder what circle of hell misogynist assholes go into. That's where you'll find Dante.

Ed Ranks Sitcom Archtypes

Sitcom characters! They sort of fit into predictable, cookie-cutter patterns, don't they? Yes! In ways, Ed! While surely you can probably think of some characters that don't fit into any of these specific "cookie cutters," (just like there are some characters who hold aspects of multiple of them), as a general rule of thumb... you'll probably see some combination of these nine character cliches show up on your favorite sitcom.

9. The Sage

This character is almost never the main character, and is probably not even in the “main” star cast for the show that gets on the opening credits.  This will typically be a bit or recurring player on the show. A sage, wise person (usually older) who can instill important advice to these youngin’s when needed. Back in old black and white sitcoms, this character could be the dad. But nowadays dads on sitcoms are pretty much always a Dumbass Dad, a subset of The Goofball.

• Examples: Wilson on Home Improvement, Mr. Feeney on Boy Meets World, Ward Cleaver in Leave It to Beaver. 

8. The Jerk

Yes, this person is a jerk. Sometimes they are also called “The Bully.” Yet despite this name, they can often be a lovable, redeemable jerk. A “jerk with a heart of gold,” if you will. They can be mean, abusive, intolerant… but in the end they stick up for their friends. Sometimes. Because, yeah, sometimes they are just an unlikable jerk.

• Examples: Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond, Jackie on That 70’s Show, Lou Grant on Mary Tyler Moore, Sort of Every Supporting Charter on Seinfeld. 

7. The Charmer

Cli... wait for it... ché!

This character fancies themselves as a bit of an Adonis / Casanova / Siren who can get any man or woman they want. Often the huge ego of this playboy or playgirl backs up an empty, dead core or someone who just wants to be loved. But sometimes they are just an egotistical dick. This person doesn’t always have to be smug though. Yet when they’re not, the character still is generally known for having a very active sex life (or at least claiming to). The character can be funny, but can also frequently risk being an underdeveloped, one-note character.

• Examples: Barney on How I Met Your Mother, Charlie on Two and a Half Men, Roz on Frasier, Quinn on Daria.

6. The Pole Up the Ass

AKA “The Stick.” Uptight. Stuffy. Don’t appreciate any sort of humor or nonsense. They don’t roll their eyes and smile. They just roll their eyes in annoyance at everyone else.  The Square might be bland and not funny his or her self, but at least The Square enjoys the antics of their funny companions.  The Pole Up the Ass does NOT enjoy any of it and who the hell even knows why they are sticking around with all these people they hate. At the very least, even if they’re not smug they’re known for having a very active sex life.

• Examples: Felix on The Odd Couple, Niles on Frasier (although Frasier himself was the Pole Up the Ass on Cheers), Flanders on The Simpsons, Sheldon on Big Bang Theory. 

5. The Dork

You know this character. The very typical stereotype of a nerd/geek. They don’t 100% of the time have thick glasses with tape around them, but that’s a pretty good bet. Sometimes the Geek is a bit more subtlety done and this character is simply more often the “loser” or the “butt of jokes.” And sometimes they write an entire unfunny show where every character is a dork that somehow stayed on for a million years. You know what I'm talking about. BAZINGA! Got you, assholes.

• Examples: Urkel on Family Matters, Milhouse on The Simpsons, J.D. on Scrubs, Fez on That 70’s Show (I guess, sometimes).

4. The Square

Just pretend Spider-Man 3 never happened.

Typically the central protagonist and “straight man” of the show. He or she is your everyday man/woman. Although this character might not be funny in itself, his or her exasperated interaction with the rest of the wacky cast draws almost all of the humor in the show.

• Examples: Eric on That 70’s Show, Monica on Friends, Alice on Alice, Will on Will & Grace, Dr. Frasier Crane on Frasier (but not on Cheers).

3. The Goofball

Ah, the goofball! This one can range from someone who is just a “ditz” to someone who is constantly bumbling around, or someone who is hyper or crazy. Sometimes they’re the same character as The Wisecracker, but often they’re different (the Wisecracker says funny things and can be witty or sardonic, while the Goofball has more of a funny personality). This character can also just be a straight-up dumbass moron. Quite often, when this character is a complete dumbass – they can become the main character (especially on cartoons, where idiots make fantastic main characters). “Dumbass Dad” is also a subset of this. So many dumb dads.

• Examples: Both Phoebe and Joey on Friends, Kramer on Seinfeld, Daphne on Frasier, Homer on The Simpsons, Kelso on That 70’s Show.

2. The Wisecracker

This guy (it’s usually a guy, let’s be honest) loves to make the hi-larious jokey jokes all the time. Sometimes they can be super goofy, and other times they play it a little more deadpan. Sometimes sarcastic. Sometimes punny. If the main character of the show isn’t The Square, there is a good chance that they are The Wisecracker.

• Examples: Jerry on Seinfeld, Chandler on Friends, Bart on The Simpsons, Dorothy on Golden Girls, Norm on Cheers, Hawkeye on MASH.

1. The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young

Iä! Shub-Niggurath! Ah, who doesn’t love the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young? This character is almost always disguising themselves as a cheery, happy-go-lucky family member, roommate, co-worker, or friend on a sitcom when in reality they are Shub-Niggurath, the All-Mother and wife of the Not-to-Be-Named-One. Is she a Great Old One? Is she an Outer God? Nobody can say for sure. Whenever the main character comes back from seeing Irem, the City of Pillars in the Crimson Desert, you just KNOW that  Shub-Niggurath enchanted them into worshiping at her accursed, Stygian shrine. While Shub-Niggurath might seem frightening at first, she remains ready to take sides with mankind against the more malevolent, faceless ancients who wish to devour man. The best part about her is that she always stays in human form and never reveals to the audience—ever—that she is indeed the frightening Mother Goddess, an ominous cloud of unspeakable necrotic suffering, who terrorizes throughout the various obsidian universes of space-time. Iääääääää!!!

• Examples: Ross on Friends, Sophia on The Golden Girls, Carlton Banks on The Fresh Prince.

Ed Ranks Royal Mistresses (Part II)

Well, here we are, in a continuation of the Part I of this ranking, I now conclude by naming the top 10 royal mistresses of all time. Why do these women stand out above the others?  Well, it’s often hard to say. Henrietta Howard (#10) below could have easily been #11 and reversed places with Lillie Langtry. In the end, probably the most important factor to raising these mistresses to the top was how much power and influence they were able to assume in their time as mistress, mixed up with any enduring fame.

10. Henrietta Howard, Countess of Suffolk 

Looking contemplative as hell.

George II is a solidly mediocre and forgettable English monarch (he ranked #27 on my ranking). But his mistress, Henrietta Howard? She’s a little more memorable. Her life started off pretty shitty, with both of her parents dying at a young age (her father in a duel). Oh, she also suffered from lifelong headaches and deafness… if the whole “dead parents” thing wasn’t enough for you to feel bad for her. An orphan by age 12, she was taken in as a ward by Henry Howard, the Earl of Suffolk. Henrietta made the best of the situation and eventually wooed the Earl’s son, Charles, and married him. Life continued to suck for Henrietta though, as the marriage was not a happy one since Charles had gambling problems and was violent towards her. The unhappy couple traveled to Hanover, Germany in 1714 to try to get in the good graces of the Elector of Hanover, who was the presumptive heir to the British throne. That same year, Queen Anne of England died and the Elector of Hanover became King George I. But it wasn’t George I that got wooed. It was George’s son, the future George II, and he got wooed specifically by Henrietta. Basically, the prince made a deal with shitty asshole Charles Howard to help clear up all his crippling debt from gambling in exchange for, you know, his wife. So yeah, it was Indecent Proposal. As with a few royal mistresses on these rankings, Henrietta actually had a good relationship with the actual Queen (Caroline), and some sources claim that this weird, triangle relationship actually helped to “save” the king and queen’s marriage. She had a fairly good thing going for several years, eventually separated from her husband (although they remained married and she got the title of Countess when he became Earl), and also eventually left the company of George II. Her husband died and she remarried, but that guy died to. She retired to a nice chunk of land on the Thames River and lived happily until the age of 77 or 78ish.  Good work, Henrietta! You figured out how to do this mistress thing right!

9. Elizabeth Conyngham

What’s better than becoming the mistress of a monarch? How about becoming the mistress of two monarchs (albeit briefly)? The Conyngham family was not a particularly wealthy or powerful family in England, but their 12-year-old daughter Elizabeth (according to the Duke of Wellington) decided that at a ripe young age one day she would be mistress to the Prince of Wales, the future King George IV.  Which is a pretty weird thing to hear from your little girl when you ask them what they want to be when they grow up. That was in 1806. In 1816, she tested the waters of banging royalty by (probably) having an brief affair with the future Czar Nicholas I of Russia, when he was visiting London. By the time 1819 rolled around, then 25-year-old Elizabeth (married!) got her wish and hooked up with George, who was by then the Prince Regent (technically still Prince of England, but actually ruling in his father’s place because George III was BATSHIT CRAZY). She quickly became George’s #1 squeeze and supplanted his other mistress, Isabella Seymour-Conway. She remained fairly powerful and loved by George until his death, but was never really popular or accepted at court. She would go on and live 92 years, so that’s pretty awesome.

8. Carolina “La Belle” Otero

Hey, the same shtick worked for Lola Montez!

Some mistresses become the mistress of a monarch and go, “Great! I’ve accomplished my goal.” But for Carolina Otero (like Elizabeth Conyngham) that was not enough. Why be a mistress to one measly monarch when you can aspire to become the mistress of multiple rulers? Never give up on your dreams, Carolina! The daughter of an impoverished Spanish single mother, she became a singer/dancer in Lisbon. Then she moved to Marseilles and got really hard into method acting, where she started to portray herself as “La Belle Otero,” an Andalusian Gypsy. She also had some tig ol’ bitties, which were popular at the time (when are they not?). Her famous cans have supposedly been immortalized in the cuploas of the Hotel Carlton in, well, Cannes. As her success continued, she moved again to Paris and became the most famous and sought-after courtesan in Europe. In phrasing that sources use to cover all bases and be vague or polite, it’s said that she soon “associated herself” with various members of European royalty, including Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, Prince Albert I of Monaco, King Edward VII of England, the Kings of Serbia and Spain, as well as Russian Grand Dukes Peter and Nicholas. We can’t be 100% sure she bedded all of those guys, but she is generally regarded as at least the mistress of both noted womanizer Edward VII, and to Prince Albert I. After all of that? Well, she got super rich, then got even richer, but then spent it all away gambling in Monaco before retiring to Nice, France to live in a hotel. But she lived to be 96 years old and it sounds like for at least the first half of it, she was living it up!

7. Gabrielle d'Estrées

Boop!

Henry IV of France had a LOT of mistresses. I think there are varying numbers put out there, but one number I’ve seen a bunch is 56 as the number of documented women. Gabrielle d'Estrées was one of them, and the most important of them all. Henry, still not crowned yet, “fell in love” with her when she was 17-ish and totally went out in public with her, despite the fact that he was married. There is a question as to who was in control in this relationship. Henry IV was a Protestant and he was bitterly struggling with France’s Catholic League (surprisingly not a charity baseball league, but they did have the power to crown him as King of France). Gabrielle was a Catholic. Gabrielle apparently suggested one way to end the feud with the Catholic League and get the crown was by renouncing his faith and becoming Catholic. So he did that. And became King. After that came an era of persecuting Protestants, which Henry IV got really, really, really into despite the fact that he was formerly one. It finally took Gabrielle to say that maybe they shouldn’t do that, and Gabrielle is largely credited as one of the key factors in getting Henry IV to agree to the Edict of Nantes, which guaranteed religious freedoms to French Protestants (especially the persecuted Huguenots, which are surprisingly not all astronauts named Hugo). Basically, she just ran shit for Henry IV. Henry knew this, because he appealed to the Pope to annul his marriage to his wife and marry Gabrielle. But she died before it could ever happen. Like other mistresses on this ranking (e.g. Agnès Sorel), there is also an accusation that she was poisoned. But, like, who knows. Gabrielle has also been immortalized in art, as one of the most famous paintings in the Louvre, Gabrielle d'Estrées et une de ses sœurs, features her naked and getting her nipple pinched while she holds Henry IV’s coronation ring. Yeah, that painting! She’s the one on the right.

6. Louise de Kérouaille

Bonjour! I am here to seduce your king.

Louise was one of the many, many, many, many mistresses of Charles II (again). Get used to hearing about that horndog womanizer. From a noble family in Brittany (e.g. France), Louise worked in the house of Henrietta Anne Stuart, the sister of King Charles. Initially, Henrietta wanted to set up Louise with King Louis XIV of France. But Louise was accompanying Henrietta to meet Charles II himself when Henrietta died. Charles II, out of the good graces of his own heart was like, “Mmm, yeah. I’ll keep her.” She quickly became his mistresses, replacing the now out-of-favor Barbara Villiers. Of course, this nobody French girl (and worse… CATHOLIC!) coming to sudden power pissed a lot of people off, probably including other gentry who wanted their own daughters to become the King’s fuckbuddies. This led to scandalous (unverified) rumors that Louise was a French spy. The fact that the French ambassadors were totally fawning over her and giving her gifts didn’t help much (they obviously hoped she would help influence Charles on matters in a pro-French way, but again…there is no evidence Louise was actively a French agent). Charles was, of course, doubling and tripling up on mistresses at the time, and had Louise at the same time as Nell Gwyn. Leading to a hilarious anecdote where someone confused Nell with Louise, and Nell said, “No, I’m the Protestant Whore.” Louise was pretty successful in her run as a mistress, despite the many who were out to get her. She was given some titles including Baroness, Duchess, and Countess; helped Charles to establish the Royal Society, and escaped the purge of the “Popish Plot” with the help of Charles II’s wife Catherine (who could actually tolerate Louise, unlike many of the other mistresses who Catherine thought were just straight up bitches). As usual though, after the king died, Louise fell out of favor and had no protector. She returned to France and was apparently freuqently in debt. She did live a long, healthy life until the age of 85. Another legacy? She obviously has some DNA that the current Prince Charles is attracted to, because BOTH Diana, Princess of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (formerly Parker Bowles) are descended from Louise, by way of the son she had with Charles II.

5. Barbara Villiers (Palmer), Countess of Castlemaine

This lady knew all the positions. ALL OF THEM.

I mean that’s a pretty cool title, so this lady is going to be legit (for sure). Let’s talk about her!  Barbara was of a known, noble English family but was a bit poor, which reduced her potential marriage matches. Eventually she married Roger (not Robert) Palmer and travelled to the Netherlands, where she met Charles II in exile. Ah, this ol’ horndog again. Barbara (now Palmer) would become the most famous of all of Charles II’s many mistresses. She was purported to be the most beautiful, and was renowned for her big hair, heavy violet eyes, alabaster skin, and DSLs (you know what I mean, if not…look it up). Her marriage to Palmer didn’t last long, and before it was over, she was already banging Charles II.  But Charles wasn’t really king until Oliver Cromwell was defeated and he returned to London from the Netherlands. Once that happened, the king summoned Barbara to come with him and receive a title called “Lady of the Bedchamber.” OH, YOU BET SHE WAS. There are all sorts of stories that she was some sort of 17th Century sexpert, and was a devoted student of a book of lovemaking positions that was the Karma Sutra of its time. She spent a lot of time with the king, and various sources cite that they had a different number of children with each other. The most common among the sources is that she had six children, five of which Charles II recognized as his. The one that he didn’t recognize might have actually have been his, although many believed it was the child of another one of her lovers – John CHURCHILL. Yep. Churchill. Have you heard stories of how Lady Diana was related to Winston Churchill? It’s through this gal. How influential was she in her time? She was generally called “The Uncrowned Queen” and was basically Charles II’s real wife who wielded all the paper. For a while. As kings typically do, they move on to new mistresses (like Nell Gwynn and Louise de Kérouaille), and eventually Charles II did. It was all good though, as the king didn’t really spite her or care about her messing around with that Churchill dude. They drifted apart and she lost her power and influence. Supposedly they reconciled shortly before he died, but she never got all that sweet, sweet power back.  All things considered though, no horrible ending that involves banishment. So things worked out okay for this mistress.

4. Anne Boleyn

Remove everything above the "B."

I don’t want to talk too much about Anne Boleyn because I’ve already talked about her before, and ranked her as #1. You know who she is. She is the ULTIMATE royal mistress. She achieved the goal that other royal mistresses only dreamed of – usurping the Queen herself and becoming Queen.  No other mistress on this list ever became QUEEN OF A COUNTRY. She has an undeniable legacy. The history of religion was forever changed by Henry VIII’s desire to divorce his wife and marry her. While Protestantism was already on the rise in this era, it got an adrenaline shot when England left the Catholic Church. Just imagine if England was still a Catholic country in their age of global empire building.  I’m not saying the world would have been better or worse – just that the world would be completely different. Anne Boleyn’s step up from “mistress” to “Queen” left an endurable legacy on history. Even her daughter became Queen Elizabeth I.  But her reign as queen, alas, was tragically short because the same bullshit maneuvering and power plays that take powerful women out of power that you’ll see all over these rankings. Since Anne rose to the top higher than any other mistress, she also came crashing down harder than any other, and is the only woman on this list to be executed.

3. Lola Montez

From escort to RULER OF BAVARIA. Upgrade!

Ah, the lovely Spanish dancer and seductress Ms. Eliza Rosanna Gilbert, AKA “Lola Montez.”  If you’re wondering why a Spanish lady has the last name “Gilbert,” it’s because…well...sorry to break this to you, but she wasn’t Spanish. Eliza came from Ireland (her mom grew up in a freaking castle as the daughter of the High Sheriff of Cork). Much of Eliza’s life was shrouded in mystery and legend with discrepant reports (this tends to happen with people who create secret identities).  What everyone can agree on though is eventually she spent some time in India when her dad (a military officer) was sent there, her dad died, her mom remarried, and then she went to England where everyone thought she was this weird and “exotic” “Indian” girl. She married at age 16 and eventually went back to India, got divorced, and she became a professional dancer using a stage name. She returned to England and by this time she was definitely using the pseudonym “Lola Montez, the Spanish dancer.” Things didn’t take off and she quickly moved to the European continent where she became a huge hit and where she also became a professional courtesan in addition to dancing (did you actually believe there was no sex in the Champagne room? Well, in Lola’s case there was definitely sex). It’s said she had a relationship with Alexandre Dumas and other notable and powerful people. But she reached the peak of her game and acquired the “royal mistress” title by meeting Ludwig I, King of Bavaria in 1846. Ludwig essentially introduced himself to her by asking “Are those tits real?” (How romantic!) She promptly answered by tearing off her clothes to show him. I kid you not. At least that’s the story.  Ludwig became infatuated with her, and did stuff like make her a Countess, build her a castle, and defer the vast majority of the kingdom's political power to her (which she dedicated towards Liberalism). People who objected to her rise in power were fired from their positions in the state (and in the Church). For about a year she ruled the country of Bavaria. Alas, Ludwig wasn’t the most popular king and the year 1848 saw a huge number of democratic and liberal revolutions throughout Europe. Ludwig was deposed and Lola lost her sugar daddy. After a brief illegitimate marriage to a military officer, she went to the United States under her Lola Montez moniker, and was pretty successful from her notoriety in Bavaria. She starred in an autobiographical play about herself. She had another illegitimate marriage in the US, was charged with murder (another story for another day), and then did a popular tour in Australia before settling down again in New York. Alas, being a courtesan before the discovery of penicillin was a dangerous game, and Lola Montez died from complications of syphilis at age 39. Still, she and her famous, sexy "spider dance" became immortal. Also, she has a pretty awesome Volbeat song named after here, and that’s got to count for something.

2. Madame de Pompadour

Mistress. Prime Minister. Pimp.

If you don’t recognize the name “Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson,” you’ve at least heard her other name – Madame de Pompadour. She’s probably the most famous mistress there ever was, has been highly romanticized through history, and has inspired everything from bad hair styles to an episode of Doctor Who.  She was married at 19 and soon started working the aristocratic circuit, where she became well-known for her wit, culture, and great conversation skills. Eventually, they took notice of this witty, pretty, young lady at a little palace called “Versailles.” In February of 1745 she was invited to a masked ball at the palace. By March she had already moved in and became French King Louis XV’s mistress. Well, that didn’t take long! What do you think her husband thought about this? Well, it probably didn’t matter because what the hell was he going to do when the KING OF FRANCE SNATCHES YO BRIDE? Nothing. For the next five years, Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson would be Louis XV’s #1 girl. That wasn’t just limited to being someone that he slept with. Madame de Pompadour essentially became King Louis’s de-facto Prime Minister, and did little tiny things like, oh, name appointments, promotions, and firings for all of the important positions of power, as well as play a substantial role in setting domestic and foreign affairs. That’s all. Pluses can also have minuses though, and her involvement in foreign affairs means she was partially blamed for French failures in war such as the Seven Years War, which took the form of the "French and Indian War" in the Western Hemisphere (France lost a substantial chunk of its colonial claims, including Canada). But it was Pompadour’s health, rather than any political failings, that eventually moved her away from the role of Louis XV’s bottom bitch. She suffered several issues including a whooping cough and miscarriages that ended their sexual relationship. So what happened to her after that? Was she banished? Kicked out? Shunned? Forgotten? Nope! She simply became Louis’s pimp and started hooking him up with OTHER women. Louis basically adored and trusted her for the rest of her, alas short, life (tuberculosis, damn you!).

1. Diane de Poitiers

MILF - Mistress Inherently Leading France

So who do I think is an even better mistress than the famed Madame de Pompadour? Diane de Poitiers may not have invented the concept of the “cougar,” but she is probably the most important and successful cougar in history. Her story begins when she was wed at a young age to a super old guy (as do many stories here). Of course, the old guy died and Diane moved on to a new job – being a 32-year old tutor for a 12-year-old boy named “Henry.” Oh, and did I forget to mention that this particular “Henry” was “Henry, Dauphin of France and heir to the French throne?”  No? Well now I did. She was his tutor in “courtly ways” and how to be a gentleman. And teach him to be a man she did. As a royal and the heir to the throne, Henry II didn’t get to marry for love. Thus he was engaged to, and eventually wed, Cathérine de Medici for political reasons. But Henry didn’t want Cathérine. He wanted to keep getting “tutored” by Mrs. de Poitiers, if you know what I mean. The romance apparently started when he turned 16 and she was 35. It seems Diane had to teach him A LOT. Henry didn’t even want to bed Cathérine, and it was apparently up to Diane to coach him into trips to the bedroom with his wife, to get him fluffed up, and to tell him to think about her when he was in there with Cathérine. For 25 years, Diane was the queen in everything but name. I don't just mean “queen” as in “the wife of the ruling king.” I mean “queen” as in “the ruling queen.” She was the most powerful woman in France and ran everything on a day-to-day basis on the king’s behalf. For 25 damn years, I repeat!!! Many documents that the king needed to sign were actually signed by her, with the signature “HenriDiane,” as if they had merged into one, solitary entity. Everyone just accepted this. Getting something signed by Diane was the exact same thing as getting it signed by the ruling monarch. Diane would always be the love of Henry’s life, but the fun all came crashing to an end when Henry died in a jousting tournament. Cathérine de’ Medici was, needless to say, not a fan of her after spending a quarter century being always second to a goddamn mistress. Cathérine had Diane banished after Henry was dead and buried. Diane was forced to give up a beautiful chateau that she owned, as well as some jewels. Fortunately, she didn’t exactly live in poverty or anything, as she spent the rest of her life living in other beautiful, opulent chateaus. She died at the age of 66, which is, ya know, pretty good for someone in the 1500’s. This story has it all. A little “hot for teacher,” a little “true love,” and its also about the most important and powerful woman of the first half of the 16th Century (I guess I can begrudgingly give the second half of the century to Queen Elizabeth I).

Ed Ranks Royal Mistresses (Part I)

Here to have sex and tacitly rule empires.

I don’t remember how I initially came up with the idea of ranking royal mistresses, but when I did I assumed it would be something I could put together fairly quickly. I was wrong. First of all, there have been a lot of royal mistresses. Tons of them. That aside, I guessed only a few of them ever reached a status to become famous or notable. You know the ones.  Like Madame de Pompadour or Anne Boelyn (who was such a good mistress that she became queen).

But then I learned being a mistress was serious business. It wasn’t something where some horny king claimed his right to bed any cute young girl that he wanted (okay, it was that… but it was also much, much more). Mistresses often were more than just a lil’ side action that got hidden from the queen.
Did you know that “Maîtresse-en-titre” was an official title? Yeah. Being a mistress sometimes was an official to quasi-official title with a salary and job responsibilities (other than the obvious).  Some mistresses would become so powerful that they would sign documents on behalf of the king, or even manage the policy of the government on a day-to-day basis.  Parents often raised their little girls in the hope that they would one day become royal mistresses. It was crazy!

After I figured all of that out, I came to realize that in order to rank these women of power and influence, I’d need to do a lot more research than I thought. On par with some of the more complex multi-part ones I’ve done, like ranking monarchs themselves (or the Crusades). In ranking, I had to consider all sorts of things like notability (both at the time, as well as any enduring legacy), the power they wielded, the length of time in their position, their ultimate fate (some of these stories are obviously pretty rough, as history has been to women), and other factors.

These are the 20 most notable mistresses, ranked and divided into two parts (because this thing wound up becoming more of a novella than a ranking).

20. Lucy Walter

A Welsh-born woman, from the lower ranks of nobility, young Lucy met the future King Charles II (then the Prince of Wales) while he was an 18-year-old exile in the Hague. You’ll hear a lot more about this guy later. They hooked up and eventually Lucy got pregnant, giving birth to a boy named "James" that Charles would admit was his and recognize. The child would be given the title of “Duke of Monmouth.” At any rate, time moved on and Charles moved to Scotland. Later, Lucy would try to work her way back into Charles’s life but he wasn’t that interested. When she came to England to try to hook up with him again, she was even thrown in the Tower of London for a short while (suspected of being a spy) and banished. She continued to live it up in Europe and never saw her king boy toy again before her death. She wound up being more notable in her death than her life though. That's because that son of hers, James of Monmouth, would become a key figure in the "Exclusion Crisis," when Protestant factions of government tried to find various ways to exclude the Catholic James II from taking the throne, especially by claiming that Charles II and Lucy had been secretly wed. This would therefore make James the “legitimate” heir. It didn’t work but, you know, good try.

19. Agnès Sorel

Creepy. Yet I'd like to learn more about your religion.

Charles VII of France seemed pretty cool with the fact that his dad had a mistress (we’ll talk about that mistress soon), and decided that he’d get one too. Obviously. Because he’s a powerful guy and banging as many women as possible in a disproportionate power relationship is the general thing that powerful guys like to do. At age 20-ish, Agnes Sorel was introduced to Charles II and she quickly became his #1 mistress. Charles gave her the Château de Loches as a gift, with is a pretty big deal to Charles VII because that’s the place where Joan of Arc had persuaded him to be crowned king (I won’t go into this too much, but the throne didn’t pass immediately from Charles VI to Charles VII because the Treaty of Troyes. Maybe I’ll talk more about the awesomeness of the 100 Years War in another ranking). Sorel became both famous and scandalous, and stories say that she would wear super low-cut dresses that would expose one nipple. Want to know what that looks like? Well, you’re in luck because Renaissance Painter Jean Fouquet decided to use her, and her titty-out dress style, as his model for THE MOTHER OF THE LORD in his most famous work, the Melun Diptych.  Agnès would have four children with Charles, and would die giving birth to the fourth one. Supposedly, there is also a story that Agnès was poisoned by some political rival. An autopsy later would show signs of mercury poisoning it in, potentially validating the theory. But then again, people used mercury for all sorts of stupid shit back then. So who knows?  Charles VII was totally heartbroken by her death. Wait. Did I say “heartbroken?” What I meant to say is “he immediately moved on and replaced Agnès with her 14-year old cousin, Antoinette Maignelais.”

18. Mary Robinson

Since “Mary Robinson” is a pretty common name, the Wikipedia disambiguation page for this one politely calls her “Mary Robinson (Poet)” rather than, you know, “Mary Robinson (Actress / Prostitute Who Got Scammed by the Crown Prince).” Yeah, “scam” is actually a pretty good term to use here. The future King George IV had a lot of mistresses. His first public one was Mary. Already an established and popular actress, known for starring in Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale, the (married) Mary caught the eye of George in 1779 and he straight up offered to pay her twenty thousand pounds to become his mistress. She said yes, and the two were publicly a couple for two years, until George decided he was done with her in 1881. And did George actually pay the twenty thousand pounds? Nope. That fucking asshole totally gypped her and left her with nothing. Eventually, Mary pointed out that she had a bunch of seedy, sexy, and potentially publicly embarrassing love letters that George had sent her over the course of their relationship; and the crown reluctantly agreed to pay for the return of those. Some sources say she got five thousand pounds for the letters, while others note that she was supposed to get an annuity which the crown, again, rarely actually paid. Mary, already a poet, would score her biggest hit after her relationship with George, nicknamed “the English Sappo,” and would go one to be a popular celebrity who was painted by a lot of the famous English painters of the era. Alas, a bout of sickness would leave her partially paralyzed and she wound up dying in poverty at the age of 42. Damn.

17. Hortense Mancini

Nip slip, circa 1675. It happens.

Oh what could have been. Hortense Mancini was one of five daughters to an Italian aristocrat. All five daughters were supposedly knock-out beauties, and their uncle Cardinal Mazarin (the Chief Minister of France) cleverly pimped the beautiful girls out to important European aristocrats to raise the family’s power and influence. For Hortense, she received a marriage offer from thirsty-ass Charles II of England. You’d think that would be a definite “YES,” right? Well, this was the era of Cromwell and Charles II was living in exile at the time. People were skeptical as to Charles’s claim and if he would ever get his throne back. So Cardinal Mazarin rejected the offer. Guess what happened a few months later? Yep, Charles CLAIMED THE THRONE. The Dipshit Cardinal desperately tried to backtrack, but it was too late. Hortense eventually married the richest man in Europe--but he was an old, miserly, jealous dick; while she was a beautiful, young, popular rising socialite. She fled her husban, and various powerful dudes including King Louis XIV, were lining up to be her “protector.” After jumping around a few places, she wound up in the protection of Charles II, her once suitor. She was known for dressing as a man, and I guess that was Charles’s thing because she became his #1 gal. Which doesn’t simply mean that she had sex with the king a lot. Remember the whole “Maîtresse-en-titre” thing? Yeah, she had a position that included a £4,000 pension (and presumably, missionary). Apparently she was pretty promiscuous, supposedly also hooking up with Anne Lennard (the illegitimate daughter of Barbara Villiers, ANOTHER one of Charles’ many mistresses) in a hot, lesbian relationship, as well as the Prince of Monaco. This earned her the less-than-affectionate nickname of “The Italian Whore.” She eventually lost her role as Charles’s #1 mistress, although she’d remain at court with her power greatly reduced. After Charles’s death, she’s stick around for the reigns of James II and even William and Mary, with continually reduced pensions. She lived though, and her descendants include Albert II of Monaco (really, all the monarchs of Monaco).

16. Maria, Countess Walewska

You know how in a James Bond movie, Bond will have to sleep with some Russian spy and he says something jokingly like, “the things I do for Britain.”  He’s kidding, obviously. Because he wants that sex. Well, Maria Walewska wasn’t joking and it was a lot less funny. At 16, she was married to the 70-ish year old Count Walweska. Obviously that dude didn’t last forever, but her being married didn’t stop an asshole known as “Napoleon Bonaparte” from looking her up and being like, “Hey gurl.” She resisted the Frenchman, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. She said no and no again, until eventually she got him to make some commitments to allow for Poland’s independence as he was busy conquering all of Europe. Once those commitments were made, she relented and became his mistress in return for, oh, SAVING THE INDEPENDENCE OF HER ENTIRE COUNTRY. At the time, Napoleon had been married to his wife Josephine for some time and she had yet to have a child.  Napoleon quickly got Maria pregnant, and therefore decided (as men are wont) that everything was Josephine’s fault because his seed was still good.  In the end, this got Napoleon to divorce his wife and arrange a political marriage to Marie Louise of Austria. Marie Louise would give Napoleon an heir, and as soon Napoleon became committed to her, he discarding his mistress Maria. Which was probably okay with her, as she was able to get a divorce from her old husband and marry a new guy. Alas, that didn’t last long as she died at the young age of 31. She was a damn Polish hero though!

15. Odette de Champdivers

This 17-year-old (yeah, things were different back then, but this is hardly the worst) became the chief mistress of French King Charles VI.  Have you heard of Charles VI? Yeah, there were so many Charleses in France that it’s hard to keep them straight. But Charles VI is memorable because he reigned for a large 42 years of the 100 Years War with England and he’s also known as “Charles the Mad.” Oh, his peeps tried to nickname him Charles “the Beloved,” but that’s not what he’s really known by. Because when you think of people who claim to be Saint George, kill their own soldiers in fits of rage, refuse to bathe or change their clothes for five months, or believe that they are made out of glass… you usually don’t call those people “Beloved.” But this isn’t about Charles, it’s about Odette. She became Charles’s mistress and soon became known as the “Little Queen” for various reasons that range from her powerful influence at court to the fact that Charles was so batshit crazy he didn’t know the difference between his actual wife and his Mistress. Some sources say Odette was regularly beaten in place of the Queen in Charles’s fits of rage and Charles honestly didn’t know the difference. Which really sucks for her. Fortunately, he did eventually die (his last words were calling out her name) and the new King, Charles VII (remember him from the Agnès Sorel story?), was cool enough with his dad’s mistress that instead of banishing her, he assigned her to spy on Duke Philip III. Her cool spy skills even helped Charles VII maneuver his forces to avoid an attack on them that was being planned. She eventually vanished from the history books, probably dying in poverty somewhere. Oh well! It was fun while it lasted, Odette.

14. Alice Perrers

Alice was apparently 15-years-old when she caught the attention of King Edward III (eww), who was in his 50’s at the time (eww-er). Don’t worry about some nasty old man deflowering her though, as by the time she caught Ed’s attention she had already been married to some other old dude at age 12 (eww-est!). This was the 1300’s, just to make that clear. Alice became a lady in waiting for Edward III’s betrothed, Philippa of Hainault (throughout history, being a lady in waiting for the Queen has almost always been basically a “mistress internship”). Alice quickly rose high in power as the favored mistress of the king, and was criticized for telling parliament how to rule. An obviously biased account describes her as, “a shameless, impudent harlot, and of low birth, […] not attractive or beautiful.” Yikes, sounds like someone was jealous! She’d have three sons with Edward, a relationship that was supposedly a secret from the Queen Philippa.  The age difference of course meant that Ed III wouldn’t last forever, and after his death, Alice found herself unprotected and charged with being a woman who practices “maintenance,” e.g. I have no clue but it probably means a woman not knowing her role and being all uppity. In return, all her possessions were seized and she was banished from England. Well, that sucks.

13. Wallis Simpson

Wallis Simpson. One you’ve probably heard of. I mean she was a character on “The Crown,” right? Born in relative obscurity in Maryland. Twice divorced. Is it really fair to call her a “mistress?” Well, Edward, Prince of Wales (the future King Edward VIII) wasn’t married. So it’s not like he was cheating on any wife or anything. She was married though, so this is a new 20th Century type of mistress! #feminism? Anyway, the term “mistress” is still applicable no matter what because she was a kept, secret woman to the crown prince. She wasn’t Edward’s first either. In fact, Edward was having a secret relationship with the married Thelma, Viscountess Furness, who introduced Wallis to Edward. When Thelma went away on a trip, Wallis snuck right in there and took that spot over. Thelma was an American too, as was another of Edward’s mistresses, Freda Dudley Ward (Edward obviously had an “American” thing). By the time their affair started, Wallis wasn’t quite “twice divorced” yet because she was still married to Mr. Simpson. Nobody was happy about the Wallis thing, except for Edward. She was American. She was a divorcee. She was deemed by tightwad-ass British society as totally unacceptable for the future king of England. When his dad George V died, he became king and the whole thing came to a boiling point.  In what SHOULD be an amazing, romantic story told for the ages about the power of true love (you know, if he wasn’t a Nazi), Edward VIII abdicated the throne in order to marry Wallis. So… happy ending? Maybe. She never got to be “Queen,” but it’s a happier ending than Anne Boleyn had when she went from mistress to King’s wife to a head shorter.

12. Nell Gwyn

Basically this is a Jailbait Pretty Woman.

A good rags-to-riches tale always makes people happy, right? So motivational! Someone comes from the bottom and rises to the top. Cinderella. Aladdin. My Fair Lady. Well, the story of Nell Gwyn is one of those inspirational stories! Except, well, with child prostitution. Sorry. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Accurate stories about Nell are hard to come by, as she became a romantic figure in her time with many legends about her.  The typical version of the story is that she was a poor, 15-year-old Welsh girl who was found selling oranges on the street. But she worked for a “bawdy house” run by a madam, so oranges weren’t the only thing she was selling. One of her fellow hooker friends got a license to sell oranges nearby a theater, where the privately-dressed jailbait orange-selling girl caught the eyes of many high-ups in the theater world. She became an actress and received the attention (and likely the wallets and STDs) of several English noblemen. Eventually, she got a pimp who hooked her up with the ultimate john – King “I have too many mistresses” Charles II. The pimp was actually the cousin of Charles II’s current #1 mistress, Barbara Villiers (see below), and Nell Gwyn quickly replaced Barbara. Which is a super, super, SUPER weird story. But then again this whole ranking is off-putting.  Everything worked out relatively okay for Nell (I mean, other than dying in her 30’s… but that was par for the course back in the day), as she had all her debts annulled and was given a “ho pension” after Charles II died.  As noted, she would capture the imagination of the English public and there have been countless mythologized stories, legends, plays, and books about her life. 

11. Lillie Langtry

Mistress. Author. Actress. Capitalist.

Emilie “Lillie” le Breton (supposedly a descendant of Richard le Breton, one of the assassins of Saint Thomas Becket) moved from the isle of Jersey to London and as a 20-year-old married a (rich) 30-year old widower, Edward Langtry. After that, she made her way around the circles of “cool, rich people” and paintings of her as “Jersey Lilly” distributed on postcards made her super popular. One admirer was the future King Edward VII, who arranged for her to sit next to him at a dinner while her husband was right fucking there across from them. Edward was so infatuated with her that he introduced her to Queen Victoria. We can assume Victoria was like, “Ed you stupid piece of shit, I do not need to meet your trap hos. We are not amused!” Oh, and he was already married and stuff too. What married man introduces his mistress to his mom… his mom, the QUEEN? The affair lasted for three years until she got pregnant. The father was probably some other dude, not Edward, but who knows? They might need to do some Ancestry DNA on that. She became friends with Oscar Wilde, became an actress and huge stage star. She’d go on to have affairs with others, and would eventually marry another man 19 years younger than her, move to Monaco, and write a tell-all book about her life and all the important dudes she banged that made her even more mad cash, yo. Good for you, and way to pretty much invent the salacious tell-all book!

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Well, that rounds out mistresses #20 to #11. Tune in next time to see what a TOP 10 royal mistress looks like! In the meantime, feel free to create your own royal mistress trading cards to ease the pain of not knowing who I will include on the ranking.

Ed Ranks Aquaman's Powers

Aquaman talks to fish. Yeah, we get it. It's a bit of a joke.  Everyone knows it, including DC comics. Which is why for many, many years DC Comics has been doing everything it can to make Aquaman less of a joke and more of a "badass."  That's why in the comics (and in the excellent Bruce Timm animated Justice League), Aquaman was given an awesome FISHHOOK ARM like the Candyman in order to be menacing. And it's why they decided that he should now be played by Khal Drogo rather than some pretty blonde boy in orange and green tights.

Still. Does DC Comics really need to do that much to make Aquaman more "badass?"  Let's discuss his superpowers to see if he was really badass all along!

12. Fish Necromancer - Okay. We're off to a bad start on this one.  Recently in the comics, Aquaman was shown to be able to summon some dead fish back to life to help him fight.  Let's not speak of this one again because it's just weird.  I don't need Arthur Curry to be some sort of maritime Lazarus. Or, more accurately, Maritime Herbert West.

11. Night Vision - He can see in the dark really, really well. Which makes sense, considering that under the ocean it gets pretty dark, pretty fast. This was displayed in the movie with his glowing cat eyes.  Although, speaking of that... yes... cats can see in the dark too. So does this make my cats superheroes too?  Because their only other superpower seems to be the ability to take dumps that seem to be much, much more than what they eat.

10. Healing - Super healing would be an awesome and top notch power like what Wolverine has. If it were more associated with Aquaman, I'd rank it higher. But this is a relatively newer ad-on to the Aquaman mythos, supposedly given to him by the Lady of the Lake from Arthurian (ha?) mythology. So I'll put it down here.

9. Heat / Pressure Resistance - In film, cartoons and comics, Aquaman has clearly been shown to be able to resist intense heat (e.g. laser beams shot at him by Black Manta and the like). Also, by mere fact that he lives deep under the sea, he can obviosly survive intense pressure. So that must be pretty cool, huh?

8. Superhuman Senses - This dude can hear really well (he probably has sonar, right?), can smell really well (the old sharks can smell blood a mile away story, which is totally an urban myth).  Heightened senses must be a pretty big plus for that whole crime-fighting thing.

Gritty Reboot Time!!!

7. Magical Trident - Okay, owning a magical trident is sort of a cheat. Because it's not really a power he has, but a power the trident has. Still. He owns a magical trident that he can do magic stuff with. That's got to count for something. At the very least his superpower is "he wields magic," even if he himself isn't magic. His trident is shown to be able to manipulate water, shoot out bolts of power, focus his existing energy and powers, etc.

6. Control Over Water - Speaking of the Trident, while sometimes they show Aquaman using it to do stuff like control the water, he's also been shown to be able to command the waves and do stuff like make tidal waves on his own, without the Trident. So while he can't control the weather like Thor or Storm, controlling the water is worth something. I'm pretty sure that makes him a Water Bender, right? That's a thing, I think. I didn't watch that Air Bender show, but I assume there were also Water Benders.

5. Flying (Or at the Very Least, Jumping Really Far) - Recently in the comics, Aquaman has been given the power to fly by Poseidon.  That's sort of obscure and not commonly associated with him, but even if you want to disregard the "flying" thing, you have to admit that he can at least jump super far. Remember him jumping out of the airplace in the Aquaman movie? That's worth something.

4. Breathing Under Water - Aquaman can't drown, which is a convenient plus. All he's got to do is lure land-based enemies to the water, and he's pretty much totally in advantage. A subset of the ability to breath under water is also the ability to talk under water. That's also pretty cool.

3. Super Speed - Once source in the comics says that Aquaman can travel about 3,000 meters per second, which is very fast.  So the next time you think of giving shit to Aquaman for talking to fish, remember that he has the exact same super power that The Flash does, only he also has eleven more superpowers that the Flash doesn't have. Seriously, forget the Flash. Twelve superpowers also means that he has twelve more superpowers than Batman. FWIW.

Coming to kill you, because Aquaman told him to.

2. "Talking to Fish" (AKA Telepathy and Compelling) - So let's break down that "talking to fish" joke. Yeah. It's actually pretty sweet if, instead of saying "talking to fish," you call it what it is - telepathy. He is telepathic. He can converse with fish (also, it's not just fish... it's all marine life) with the power of his mind. That doesn't just including speaking with them about mundane stuff. When Arthur Curry talks to fish, he doesn't ask how the coral is doing this week. Aquaman tells the fish what to do, and they obey.  The fish really never say "no."  Which means it's less "talking" and more "compelling." Aquaman doesn't "talk to fish," so much as he "can tell a shark to eat someone he is pissed off with, whenever he wants." When you put it like that, this is SUPER AWESOME.


1. Superhuman Strength - I mean yeah, he's super strong and tough. He can beat the hell out of other people and when people beat him up, he's barely hurt.  This is the LAZIEST super power of all time for a comic writer to create, but it's honestly still the best. Maybe he's not as super strong as Superman or Wonder Woman.

Ed Ranks Likable Things about Tom Brady

Pictured: Tom Brady

3. Uhh... at least he didn't abandon the second woman that he got pregnant. 

2. Sometimes he loses, which is funny. 

1. He hasn't murdered or raped anyone.*




* That we know about.

Ed Ranks GEICO Ad Campaigns

Finally I've sold out, because this article is 100% ads!

GEICO is a company that has way too many commercials, and way too many ad campaigns to promote their insurance.  I'd imagine their insurance would actually be four times cheaper if they stopped running multi-million dollar ad campaigns and just used that money for paying out insurance claims.

At any rate, there are about 4 trillion different GEICO ad campaigns, so there is no way I can rank them all. These are 16 of them.  If you think I'm missing one, I probably am.  Either that or the specific commercial you're thinking about falls as a sub-set of one of those campaigns (e.g. the Little Piggy Who Cried "Wee Wee Wee" isn't it's own campaign, it's part of the one of the larger campaigns. You'll see what I mean below.

16 Boring Insurance Salesman - GEICO always has flash commercials with flamboyant characters, as opposed to other insurance companies that have mundane, boring, middle-aged White men try to explain to you rates and quality of service. So GEICO actually had an ad campaign where they purposefully had a boring insurance salesman to make fun of their competition. It should be a funny, self-aware meta joke, right? It wasn't. It was totally forgettable. Do you remember this campaign? The boring guy who would try to be cool and say things like "da bomb?" I bet you do not.


15. So Easy, Even a Caveman Could Do It - These commercials were pretty much making fun of racism and discrimination, right?  I mean they picked a group of people who are, in actuality, no longer around (Cavemen) and then implied that they were super stupid and had Cavemen, who in the narrative of the commercials still exist, get super offended. What is the story here? GEICO: We're Racist! Is that it? Plus this got so overexposed that they tried to make a TV show out of it, which just makes them even more annoying.

14. Testimonial with "Celebrity" Endorsement - AKA the "Real Service, Real Savings" ad campaign that had "real" people give testimonials, followed up by a "celebrity" endorsement of the "real" person. The celebrities typically involved people like Don LaFontaine. Who is that? The voice-over guy who used to do the "In a WORLD...!" movie ads. Yeah, that's the types of celebrities we're talking about here.

13. Googley-Eyed Money (The Money You Could Be Saving) - These were just creepy. Stacks of dollar bills with Cookie Monster eyes would creepily stare at people. Uncomfortable!

12. Expect More - The theme was with GEICO, you can expect more. It typically had two people talking to each other, and every time they cut back to one of the two people, they kept changing more and more. e.g. A guy working out who gets insanely buff over the course of the conversation. 

11. Did You Know? - GEICO asks you if you knew something. And then it's something like "Old MacDonald was a bad speller," followed by Old MacDonald not knowing how to spell anything other than E-I-E-I-O. 

10. Nursery Rhymes - An ad campaign that told the "true story" behind nursery rhymes and how GEICO saved the day. Typical example: The Big Bad Wolf blows away the Little Pig's house made of straw, but he's able to get it replaced thanks to GEICO's homeowner insurance. There were a ton of these ads.

9. Unrelated Product Surprise / This is a GEICO Commercial - These are actually two different ad campaigns, but I'm going to throw them together. They were done years apart, but they sort of had the same theme of "breaking the fourth wall" to reveal that this was a GEICO commercial.  The first versions of the ads made it seem like they were ads for other products (Tide recently copycated this premise, remember?). The more recent simply has people becoming self aware that they are in a GEICO ad. A little different, but I'll lump them together as one because 17 rankings is just weird. 16 is nice and even.

What I think of when I hear banjos.

8. Happier than A... -  I'm sort of torn on this one. On the one hand, this was a pretty funny campaign that ran for a while with some great ads. The "Happier than a Camel on Wednesday" is probably the most famous of them, for the "HUMP DAY!" ad.  But this is also the campaign that had the shitty hipster bluegrass singers after everyone in the damn world was adding banjos to their music because of Mumford and Sons. Ugh. If I didn't remember those banjo boys, this could have easily been ranked #2. 

7. Surprising / Unexpected Coincidence - I'm not sure how to explain this concept better, but this was the ad campaign of "unexpected" coincidental stuff like Ice Tea running a lemonade stand, and Marco Polo playing Marco Polo in a pool.  I suppose they weren't all coincidences. Some of them were contradictions. Like the sumo wrestler who was fantastic at ice-skating.  This is one of those big campaigns that had a TON of different ads for it.

6. It's What You Do - This was another huge one.  This is the one which is like, "If you're an X, you do Y. It's What You Do."  Stuff like "If You're a Mom, you call at the worst time. It's what you do," followed up by her ruining the scene of an action movie by calling her son and revealing his stealthy actions in the middle of his attack.  If you went a movie theatre any time during the huge chunk of years where this campaign ran, you probably heard "If you're at the movie theater, you turn off your phone. It's what you do." 

5. As Long as X, You Can Count of GEICO - This one is basically saying something that always happens, and then saying that as long as that still happens, you can continue to count on GEICO.  The one of these that sticks out the most in my head is "As Long As Soccer Plays Still Celebrate with Slides," followed by a computer graphic-enhanced soccer slide that takes the guy around the field for 30 seconds. It was, you know, funny and stuff. I guess that's what GEICO does.

4.  Easier Way to Save - This is the one with people doing super cheap things to save money, like calling collect and trying to fit in the entire message in the "name" so that the person can decline the charge. Remember this one? Yeah. This one is sort of hard to remember because who the hell even remembers what calling collect is?!

This is just an actual gecko. Don't get too excited.

3. GEICO Gecko - Yeah, this is their most famous ad campaign. The Gecko. He talks with that accent. You immediately think of GEICO. Still. I mean are his ads really #1?  I mean he just stands around and talks about things. And the character was only created (fun fact!) because there was a Screen Actors Guild strike and GEICO wasn't allowed to use actors.  The more you know...

2 Always a Great Answer / "I've Got Great News" - Once again, this is one where I'm taking two seperate ad campaigns from almost two decaded apart and combining them, because it was a bit of a rehash.  The most recent one was the "Always a Great Answer" one.  his is the one where some unrelated situation is happening, someone has to explain themselves, and they simply say "GEICO can save you up to X% on Insurance."  Typical example: A judge is about to find a man guilty and asks if he has anything to say for himself. And he says that GEICO can help you save. The judge then agrees and dismisses all the charges.  Geez, I hope this guy was in court for petty theft rather than murder or something. The "I've Got Great News" version of this was sort of the same joke, but 15 years earlier and a little funnier.  People are having a tense conversation and then the one person is like, "I've Got Great News... GEICO can save you... etc. etc."  The most famous one of these was the "Soap Opera" one. Where the lady things the guy will leave that other bitch for her, but his great news is only that he's saving money. Remember that one? Yeah. "I saved. I thought that meant something to you."

1. Rhetorical question - This was probably one of the longest running ones they have.  It starts off with handsome salesman guy walking in an empty room and asking a rhetorical question (examples: Do Woodchucks Chuck Wood? Was Abe Lincoln Honest? Does Elmer Fudd Have Trouble with the Letter R?)  This was followed by an example of that exact thing showing that, yes, that is a rhetroical question because obviously.  And yes, this was also the one that had "Maxwell the Pig" who cried "wee wee wee" all the way home, to call back to the intro.  So there you go.