Ed Ranks Henry VIII's Wives

Henry VIII was a shitty asshole and terrible ruler. He had six wives. You've probably heard of them.
 
6. Catherine Howard

She doth sticketh the wrong penis in her.

Catherine Howard was probably a bit of a dumb ass. You know how Henry VIII had a habit of divorcing and/or executing his wives? That was mainly because he was an jerk and not a very good king (or person). But while Anne Boleyn totally did not deserve being brutally murdered by her asshole husband, Catherine might have SORT OF had it coming. Hey, I’m not saying she deserved it. Maybe a little bit. Anne Boleyn was accused of all sorts of nasty things that historians generally agree that she was completely innocent of. Catherine Howard, on the other hand, appears to have actually cheated on King Henry with one of his courtiers, Thomas Culpeper. I mean we can't be certain, but historians pretty much believe the evidence against Catherine isn't completely made up like it is with Anne. This was, you know, after Henry had already executed Anne for trumped up adultery charges. Needless to say, Catherine Howard was sent to the Tower of London and executed.

• Wife #: 5
• Reign: 1 year, 3 months, 26 days.
• How did it end? Beheaded with an axe.

5. Anne of Cleaves

The painting that catfished Henry.

Anne was barely one of Henry’s wives and her reign was only six months long. Lucky for her, it seems like she never even had to get under the tubby ginger asshole, because the marriage was declared “unconsummated.” After Henry’s “beloved” Jane died, he looked for a new wife. Rather than going with his penis (as with his last two wives), this time Henry went for a political alliance with the Protestant Germans against their filthy Catholic enemies, and was betrothed to the German Anne without ever seeing her. He had famous painter Hans Holbein paint her and bring a copy of the painting back and she was apparently acceptable. Alas, just like with Snapchat filters these days...  when she actually showed up… well… Henry was not happy. He reluctantly went through with the marriage but it was quickly annulled. While Henry totally blamed Anne for the troubles with the marriage – by this time Henry was an obese, gouty, impotent wreck. So, you know. Fuck him. He married Catherine Howard (one of Anne's ladies-in-waiting) less than a month later and you can guess how that turned out.

• Wife #: 4
• Reign: 6 months, 3 days.
• How did it end? Annulled and lived happily ever after, outliving all the others.

4. Jane Seymour

Obvious joke is obvious.

Jane is generally viewed and a tragic and/or romantic figure in the life of Henry VIII. Typically, she’s portrayed as “Henry’s true love” that was tragically taken away by dying from complications of childbirth. I call bullshit on this one. Do you really think that if she would have lived she would have had a romantic, perfect marriage with this asshole? No, he would have gotten tired of her and moved on, just like he had done to his two previous wives because he’s a dick. She was just “lucky” (not really) enough to die in childbirth after giving him a son (the future King Edward VI), and therefore sealing her romantic legacy.  But was she really this sweet, pure, innocent “true love” of Henry that died tragically? Doubt it. The Seymour family was a powerful and ambitious family. Jane’s romance with the king started around February 1536 while he was still married to Anne Boleyn and before any of the accusations of adultery, incest and treason had been brought forward.  At the very least, Jane was complicit in the downfall of Anne Boleyn that led to her execution. Anne was herself the OG jumpoff, and yet Jane became the jumpoff to the jumpoff.

• Wife #: 3
• Reign: 1 year, 4 months, 24 days.
• How did it end? Died from complications of childbirth.

3. Catherine Parr

"Survived" = Dead at 35. 

Henry’s 6th and final wife (and 3rd and final wife named “Catherine”) was Catherine Parr, who was a bit of a windowmaker herself.  Before becoming Mrs. Tudor, she was twice married. After both husbands died, she found herself working in the house of Henry’s daughter, Mary. She caught his eye and, after a two year break in marriages, Henry decided he wanted Catherine. Catherine was already in a relationship with Thomas Seymour (Jane’s brother), but she figured that if the king wanted her… well… she pretty much had to. Their marriage seems to have been ok, with no major rocking of the boat or drama. She helped to restore Henry’s relationship with both of his daughters (Mary and Elizabeth) after having previously been strained by him, ya know, ostracizing both of their mothers and delegitimizing them.  After the reconciliation, the daughters were both put back in the line of succession – thus giving us the future reigning queens Mary I and Elizabeth I.  She’s seen as being deeply intelligent, competent (she became regent while Henry was away in France) and (like Katherline below) religious. But Henry was an old, failing man by the time they were married… and eventually he died! So she outlived him! Yay, right? Not quite. She remarried AGAIN (to the aforementioned Thomas Seymour) the next year and died from childbirth complications herself. So when you learn that “Divorced-Beheaded-Died, Divorced-Beheaded-Survived” jingle to remember Henry's queens, just take “survived” with a grain of salt because being a woman having a baby in olden times is fucking terrible.

• Wife #: 6
• Reign: 3 years, 6 months, 16 days
• How did it end? She lived (a little) and he's the one that died!

2. Katherine of Aragon

Nothing funny here. This story is saaaad.

Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon were married for almost 24 years before he finagled his way out to be with his new mistress, Anne Boleyn.  This first marriage was definitely a marriage of a political alliance with the Catholic Spaniards against their filthy Protestant enemies.  Katherine was originally engaged to Arthur Tudor, Henry’s older brother and the heir to the throne. But because history just didn’t want us to have King Arthur II, fate stepped in and killed him with the sweating sickness at age 15. Valuing the political alliance, a special Papal dispensation was given that allowed Henry to marry his brother’s widow because it was not consummated. The two married several years later, when Henry was newly crowned king (he was 17, she was 23) and did not waste time with the baby-making since she was pregnant months later. The two apparently (who can know for sure?) had great love and affection for each other, but the baby-making issue was the problem. Katherine suffered a number of miscarriages, stillbirths, or children who did not survive long. Their only surviving child was Mary. As she got older, Katherine had less and less interaction with her husband (who was off having a ton of mistresses) and turned to religion. By 1525/26 Mary was no longer of child-bearing age and Henry began to be enamored with a young, flirty lady-in-waiting named Anne Boleyn.  Do I really need to explain the rest? The short version: Henry wanted to divorce his wife and get with Anne so bad that he changed the religion of the country. Henry’s divorce scheme took so long that it wasn’t until 1533, 7-8 years after becoming obsessed with Anne, that he was able to leave Katherine and remarry. It was all very sad and tragic… but the even sadder cherry on top is that less than 3 years later, Katherine died of cancer anyway.  If Henry had waited a bit longer he wouldn’t have even needed to tear down the religion of a nation and get himself excommunicated just to get his side piece.

• Wife #: 1
• Reign: 23 years, 11 months, 19 days.
• How did it end? Divorce, cancer.

1. Anne Boleyn

Girl, you have really bad luck at this "being Queen" thing.

So by reading the Katherine of Aragon story, you got the main gist of how Henry found Anne. She was a hot, young, lady-in-waiting that the king became obsessed with when he began fantasizing about having some legitimate, male children. Like Jane who helped to dethrone her, Anne herself was an intelligent and politically-suave player.  Henry had made Anne’s older sister a mistress but Anne (supposedly) refused to play that game and wanted to be the queen instead. Henry tried a lot of methods to find a “legitimate” divorce but in the end couldn’t, and therefore just created his own religion where it was okay for him to do that. After nearly a decade of WANTING to hook up with Anne – Henry finally married her. But, alas, the things he was attracted to her when he wanted her as a mistress (intelligent, acerbic, political, etc.) he didn’t really like in his wife. That plus (just like with Katherine) problems in producing a male heir led to the loving relationship turning rocky. Hrm. Two wives in a row, huh? Are you starting to think this is HENRY’S problem and not his wives? After a number of miscarriages and only one child (Elizabeth), Henry was looking for an exit strategy from Anne and was newly obsessed with Jane Seymour. There are tons of theories and suggestions about how it all went down. A common theory suggests that Henry’s chief Minister Thomas Cromwell--once a staunch Anne advocate who helped to arrange the her rise--turned on her and helped to also bring about her fall. Others say there is no proof that Cromwell actively worked against Anne. One way or another, not long after Henry’s eyes turned to Jane – accusations came out that Anne was committing adultery with a number of people at the court… and with her own brother, George. Let me say first and foremost to everyone… all the charges are total bullshit. There is zero reliable evidence that she committed any adultery with anyone; a plan was formed to get rid of her because it’s what Henry wanted. The bullshit stories that they came up with wound up to her being executed, which is just fucking terrible. 

• Wife #: 2
• Reign: 2 years, 11 months, 19 days.
• How did it end? Beheaded by an expert French swordsman, who came in just to do that.