Ed Ranks the Top 25 Sasha Grey Film Titles

This person.

Sasha Grey is an actress, model, musician, and former pornstar. Yes, this ranking about a former pornography actress is quite the 180 from the last edition which talked about short chains of amino acid monomers linked by amide bonds.

Look, it's not like I want to talk about Sasha Grey. It's just that I have to. This blog is called "Ed Ranks Everything," and Sasha Grey's filmography is a thing. Thus, legally, I have to rank it.

25. Dude I Banged Your Sister 1 (2009) - It's a pretty classic thing for pornos to be parodies of popular films. But Dude, Where's My Car came out in 2000 and this came out in 2009. That's a little behind the curve on making a relevant joke.

24. Meet The Fuckers 7 (2007) - The film Meet the Fockers was already supposed to be a sort of (pretty obvious) joke title based on how it sounded like the F word. So then the porn industry just went and made the same joke. This required no effort and is super lazy. Try harder. It's like when the parody Superhero Movie had a scene where their fake Wolverine used one of his claws to make a middle finger, even though that ALREADY HAPPENED IN AN ACTUAL X-MEN FILM.

23. So You Think You Can Squirt 1 (2007) - Well, this title is just bad. I can't say much more than that. Yes, So You Think You Can Dance is a TV show. This is not funny though. 

22. Buns of Anarchy 1 (2014) - Another parody title, this time of another TV show. But still not that witty. I wonder if this actually featured any sort of motorcycle gang elements or if it just didn't bother in favor of just being clips of butts.

21. Breakin' Em In Young 2 (2007) - This is ALMOST a funny title, but not quite. Shouldn't it be called "Bring Em' Young" instead? Then it would sort of sound like "Brigham Young" (June 1, 1801 – August 29, 1877), the American Mormon leader, politician, and pioneer. That would be a LOT funnier.

20. Bring 'um Young 23 (2006) - I stand corrected. Apparently they couldn't name that last film franchise "Bring Em' Young" because there was already ANOTHER film franchise from a different porn studio called "Bring 'um Young."  And Sasha Grey performed for BOTH of the series. Do you think she knows that there were two different series... or did she get confused and only sign on to Breakin' Em In Young in 2007 because she thought it was a sequel to the 2006 film she already did? I'm sure mid-way through filming she must have noticed that they were completely different franchises, based on differences in plot. Hahaha, plot. Now I'm just being silly.

19. Anal Academy (2012) - This isn't that witty of a title. But then again, this film is probably better than the last several Police Academy films.

18. Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big (2012) - I guess sometimes people try to think of really witty titles for porn films. And other times they do not. This is a time they did not. And you know what? I'm going to have to give them credit for NOT EVEN TRYING so hard. This title is so lazy, it's almost good.

17. BJ Suck-A-Thon (2011) - See description above.

16. Apprentass 10 (2009) - I assume this was a parody of the reality TV show with Donald Trump. Which makes me realize that there are pornos out there with a fake Donald Trump in them. It's probably just some guy in a really bad wig. There is probably nothing less erotic or sexual in the world than this concept. Honestly, if social conservatives want to teach teenagers the advantages of abstinence -  a porno with a fake Donald Trump in it is the best way to go. After seeing this, they will likely be turned off of the concept for sex for the rest of their lives.

15. Private Movies 51: Future Soccer Mom Sluts (2010) - So "MILF" movies are a thing and feature older actresses, quite often depicted as horny Soccer Mom-types. Yet this isn't about Soccer Moms. It's about "Future" Soccer Moms. Which means that it' probably just features young actresses, rather than older ones. That's just confusing. But also, sort of brilliant marketing... I guess? Look, I don't know. This seems like some sort of scam to just feature regular, struggling girls in their 20's trying to make money and make them pretend like they're older. Whatever. I'm moving on, and so should you.

14. Blow Me Sandwich 11 (2007) - This does NOT sound like the type of sub you want to order at Blimpie. If Blimpie did serve this sandwich, that's probably a good reason I don't see that chain anymore. It used to be at every mall in the 1990's. Now I don't see them anymore. I'm not 100% sure that they're still in business.

13. Malice in Lalaland (2010) - I suppose this is an Alice in Wonderland parody. I really hope there are no scenes involving her getting busy with rabbits and chain-smoking caterpillars, because that sounds like it should be illegal.

12. Oh Yeah Let's Cum (2013) - This one is pretty direct and to the point. If it were sligtly more vulgar, it could be #1 (see #1, obviously).

11. Finger Licking Good 5 (2008) - I assume this video is NOT officially licensed by KFC. Although Sasha Grey could easily be the next Colonel Sanders, based on how these commercials are going. Look, she did what she did to make money and get sort-of famous. She succeeded. No judgment. She has just as much of a right to be in new KFC commercials as Jason Alexander, Norm MacDonald, Rob Lowe, George Hamilton, etc. If I'm being honest, she's probably more talented than half of the people who have played the Colonel anyway. Don't try to convince me that Sasha Grey has any less of a right to be a dead chicken spokesperson than Billy Zane. Speaking of which... should I rank people who have played Colonel Sanders? Maybe.

10. Thrilla in Vanilla 2 (2010) - I'm going to make an educated guess that this is about African American boxers having sex with white girls. But in 2010, is a reference to a 1975 Ali-Frazier fight really going to resonate with racist masturbators? 

9. Grand Theft Anal 11 (2008) - My only question is... do you have to have seen Grand Theft Anal 1 through 10 in order to understand the story of Part 11? 

She's also in this film with Frodo.
If that's your specific fetish.

8. Naughty Bookworms 22835 (2017) - There is nothing specifically funny or witty about the title "Naughty Bookworms," but I am left wondering if there were really 22,834 of these movies before this one came out. And I thought the Fast and Furious movies had too many sequels. 

7. My Daughter's Fucking Blackzilla 9 (2006) - So does Toho Co., Ltd. get any residuals for this one? 

6. History Of Black Cock (2011) - I'm only ranking this one this high because I'm imagining it as an actual documentary in the style of A&E Biography, narrated by Peter Graves. Although I suppose Peter Graves would have been deceased by 2011. Still though.

5. 69 Scenes: Anal Anal Anal (2014) - Well, this title is sort of direct. Yet charming in a way. Although I do want to point out that, by definition, anal and 69 are different things. 

4. Face Invaders 4 (2009) - HA! Like the video games with the alien space ships. You know, except with sexual intercourse. 

3. Kokcast Cable Offers Anal Services (2007) - I mean haven't we all imagined having sex with the middle-aged, portly Comcast technician that shows up to our house several hours after their estimated arrival time, in order to provide you with shitty service that costs way too much?

2. Throat: A Cautionary Tale (2008) - This is a great title and could easily be a Lifetime film about HPV. Or maybe the title of Michael Douglas's autobiography.

1. Hey It's Fuck Time (2013) - People have spent years trying to create the most cute, witty titles for porn films. The creators of Hey It's Fuck Time didn't bother with that nonsense. They're sort of like deconstructionist chefs that strip their recipes down to the most basic ingredients. They had some sort of board meeting and were like, "We're tired of these bullshit porn film titles that try to parody popular culture. We just need to get back to the basics. We need to let people know that this will be an hour long video featuring sexual intercourse, of which most people will only need to watch about five minutes of before they're done."  Then someone suggested, "Hey It's Fuck Time," and the greatest porn film title in history was created. The end.