Ed Ranks 15 Meanings of the F-Bomb

Fuck. Considering that when I came back to this blog after a long period of dormancy, I learned that Blogger ran some dumb AI program that flagged and took down several of my past blogs for being "offensive," I should probably avoid doing a blog that will simply say "fuck" over and over agin. 

I never learn though. 

Here are 15 of my favorite ways "Fuck" can be used in this wonderful language. 

15. Defeated in a Fight (He Got Fucked Up Last Night) 

14. Drunk (He Got Fucked Up Last Night) 

13. Why Not? (Fuck It) 

12. An Injustice (He Fucked Me Over) 

11. Lying / Joking (Are You Fucking with Me?) 

10. Exclamation of Anger / Shock (Fuck!) 

9. Not Being Serious at a Task (Stop Fucking Around!) 

8. A Bad / Doomed Situation (He's Fucked) 

7. Expressing Confusion / Surprise (What the Fuck?) 

6. Lack of Caring (Who Gives a Fuck?) 

5. Sexual Intercourse (Wanna Fuck?) 

4. Intensifier (Fuck Yeah, Fuck No, That's Fucking Dumb) 

3. Infix (Sean Fucking Connery, Abso-fucking-lutely) 

2. Noun Insult (Motherfucker, Dumb Fuck, Fuck-Up)

1. Verb Insult (Fuck You, Fuck Off, Go Fuck Yourself)

Ed Ranks Phobias by Validity

Places where you can be murdered by death noodles

Phobias. Fears of things. Some are very arbitrary and make no sense. "Sesquipedalophobia" is supposedly a fear of long words, intentionally written as a long word to be douchey. Even though it doesn’t actually upset anyone because literally nobody is afraid of long words. Want an example more legit? Triskaidekaphobia – the fear of the number 13. That’s a real thing, so much so that some hotels don’t have a 13th floor, and don’t have room numbers ending in 13. Honestly, a lot of the phobias seem crazy. And while some of the ones below might SEEM crazy, they are absolutely not. Why? I guess you’ll find out. 

Quick note: you will not find Arachnophobia (fear of spiders) on this list. Spiders are cool and you should stop being so whiny about them. 

10. Agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) 

Yeah, this is one of the more complicated ones to explain. Technically the Greek on this – Agora – means marketplace, but we’re not specifically talking about a fear of being overcharged for “organic” produce at Whole Foods (I mean isn’t ALL produce organic?), nor necessarily a specific fear of those types of outdoor marketplaces that appear in action movies… where I assume the primary fear would being collateral damage as part of chase scene that knocks down a wagon of fruit.  This could simply mean a fear of “open spaces” (like an old Greek agora was), or more precisely “exposed spaces” where escape might be difficult. It could also refer to crowded spaces – e.g. large spaces where there are a number of people. To go back to the old action movie example… yeah… if you’re standing in the middle of a big, open market or town square… you have nowhere to run or hide really. You’re exposed and the evil bad guy snipers can easily get you or something.  Now I’m not saying in the real world most readers are the type of people who have snipers following them… but in general I can see this fear making sense not only for slightly nutso conspiracy theorists, but for anyone who has some type of social anxiety that makes them especially afraid of embarrassment.  So while yeah, certainly while it’s a little bit irrational… it’s also somewhat valid. 

 9. Aviophobia / Aerophobia (fear of flying) 

They say if you do the math it’s safer to fly on a plane than it is to get in your car and drive to the local agora… I mean… grocery store. And yeah, okay. Math, I get it. But you can’t HONESTLY tell me it’s safer to get in a giant, metal pressurized tube and use powerful jet engines to fight the forces of gravity and fly up in the sky than it is to go on four wheels, staying “safely” on the ground, to somewhere close by. Yeah, math. I get it. Still, you watch the news and plane crashes happen. Not as many as there used to be. I suppose part of it is control. At least you feel like you have some control over your fate on the road, even if you sort of don’t because some other asshole can crash into at any time. And at least when a crash happens – most of the times it’s annoying, inconvenient and expensive. With a plane crash, you have no control and surviving one is the luckiest of luck and random coincidence.  

8. Coulrophobia (fear of clowns)

I’m not saying I specifically have a fear of clowns, but I certainly have a hatred of them. They are mostly just annoying to me. But yeah, if a clown jumped out at me from behind a corner in a dark alley… would it be scarier than if a regular person jumped out at me? I mean probably. Who even likes clowns? Why do clowns still exist? Why is the primary location we find these horrifying, uncanny valley quasi-humans at children’s birthday parties?  

7. Cynophobia (fear of dogs) 

As a domesticated animal and common pet, dogs are often in close contact with people. Because in general lots of people are terrible idiots, that means lots of dog owners are terrible idiots too. Some dogs, when they have terrible owners, will be the type of dogs that will want to tear random human beings to shreds. And some of those same dogs will actually have the capability to do so. So yeah, this isn’t THAT crazy so long as your fear of dogs is like about pit bulls and rottweilers and not corgies. If you’re afraid of corgies, I’m going to have to move you off the “valid fear” list and onto the “crazy person fear” list. 

6. Claustrophobia (fear of confined / small spaces) 

Sort of the opposite of the agoraphobia and this one I think more people can understand. Being locked up somewhere very small. I think the most famous example of claustrophobia is the nightmare that you’ll wake up in a coffin, buried alive after people misunderstood the really awesome nap you took. 

5. Mysophobia (fear of germs / dirt)

This one seems a little crazy. People act like you’re Monk or Jack Nicholson in As Good as It Gets. Like you’re some crazy “germophobic” person (not the actual word). But guess what? Germs, and the dirt in which many germs live, kill people. Like, all the time. I mean look at plagues throughout history. Or, you know, A FEW YEARS AGO. Every once and a while you hear some news story about a perfectly healthy, happy young person with a perfectly fine immune system and they went swimming or touched something and POOF – rare, random, unforeseeable flesh eating bacteria with no cure that kills them. All I’m saying is wash your hands people. Oh, and speaking of swimming… 

4. Aquaphobia (fear of water)

People were not meant to be in water. People drown there. Sharks live there. Jellyfish. After you go down not all that deep, there is essentially no light anymore. The moral of the story is: there are a billion things in the water that want to kill you, and water itself wants to kill you too. Don’t be afraid of drinking it. Don’t be afraid of taking a bath. But yeah… swimming isn’t exactly everything it’s all cracked up to be. 

3. Acrophobia (fear of heights)

Do you know who leans over the side railing at shopping malls? NOT ME. Heights are legitimately scary because you will fall from them and you will die. Karl Wallenda was a famous tightrope walker who dared heights by walking across wires that were up really high. Do you know what he died off? Falling down from a wire that was up really high. Gravity, my friend. Gravity. Technically, there is a more specific term basophobia (fear of falling) which might be more accurate for WHY people are afraid of heights, but let's go with the classic term. 

2. Nyctophobia (fear of the dark)

In no way is fear of the dark an irrational fear. It is totally rational. Not being able to see things is scary. Things jumping out from shadows is scary. It’s wired into us evolutionary that this is scary. And you know what? That’s for a reason. Many animals which evolved as predators also evolved to be nocturnal, so they go out hunting and killing things at night. THE DARK IS SCARY. 

1. Ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) 

Snakes are little murder death machines that kill. That’s all they do. Kill and have sex so they can create more snakes that kill. Venomous ones kill by evolving two syringe needle fangs to dump insane toxins into your body like some murder doctor. Non-venomous ones kill by slowly strangling the breath out of you and/or crushing your bones like some insane serial killer who likes to watch the last breath come out from their victim and feel their body turn cold. Then the snake eats them. Now you might be saying "spiders are venemous too! Why do you say they don't make this list?" My response is "shut up." We're talking apples and oranges here. OoOooOo... the "scary" black widow. Do you know the average number of deaths caused by that "deadly" spider every year? Zero. None. Zip. Okay fine, maybe that spider is over-hyped. How about we talk about the DEADLIEST spider than - the Australian funnel-web spider. It has been responsible for 13 deaths. 13 deaths a month? A year? A decade? No. EVER. 13 deaths. Ever. Now let's compare that to snakes. The Australian Inland Taipan, for no other reason than the spite of nature, evolved so that one of its bites contains enough venom to kill, on average, 100 people. And that’s people. Their venom mainly exists to kill things like small rodents – so the ability to kill 100 animals that are way bigger than anything they could eat seems entirely unnecessary.  But to be fair to the Inland Taipan, they're rather reclusive and don't like interacting with people - so thier body count isn't actuallt that high (still higher than spiders though). On the other hand, the small-scaled viper is an angry little bastard that is estimated to kill 5,000 people in India alone every year - but it's range goes all the way from India to Africa. Nobody has an exact number some some sources think the 20,000 to 30,000 of deaths per year is plausible given the poverty and lack of medical resources witin this snake's range. Plus snakes don’t have legs and just slither around which makes them SUPER CREEPY. A fear of snakes is not irrational. A fear of snakes is VERY, VERY rational, damnit. Don’t you tell me I’m crazy!

Ed Ranks WTF Job Titles

Pictured: people who likely have dumb job titles.

When I worked in the Pentagon, I ran into someone’s who’s title was something like “Director of Space Law,” which is an awesome title that sounds fake. But when you think about it… yeah… space law is a real thing. Like what are the international laws that govern how countries use space? Given all the technology and satellites up there, including many which have military functions – it makes perfect since that we’d need some DIRECTOR OF SPACE LAW in the Pentagon. Awesome /slash/ crazy title. But what are some other WTF job titles out there? 

Some are attempts to be “witty” and attract candidates in the digital age. Some are intentiona double entendres. Some are fairly dubious if the title is real or not.  Let’s go! 

10. Any Cringe Try-Hard Bullshit That Contains Words like “Magician, Guru, Wizard, Rockstar,” etc. 

These are all pretty sad and obvious attempts for a horrible place to work to try and make a position sound fun, modern and cool. If you see this in a job opening, you should run. 

9. Digital Overlord

Just like the above, some tech companies attempt to use this title quasi-humorously for those in charge of websites, digital marketing, or technologies. But what it really hits me with is a feeling of sadness for some loser tech nerd who wants to feel like they’re cool or important. It’s like you’re overcompensating for the fact that you can’t talk to girls. 

8. Life Coach 

I mean if you think about it, this is a very stupid job title, right? Do you tell people to breath and drink water? 

7. Beverage Dissemination Officer

This is the “sanitation engineer” version of “Bartender.” 

6. Director of First Impressions

Stupid companies literally have tried to make this the name of “receptionist.” No. 

5. Brand Evangelist

If someone was really a Brand Evangelist, he or she would be going out and trying to forcibly convert Pepsi drinkers to Coke drinkers through violence, like Spanish missionaries side-by-side with Hernan Cortez slaughtering any Aztecs that did not convert. I don’t think the people who call themselves “Brand Evangelists” really live up to the name with their normal boring marketing tactics. Grow a set and try murder if you want to really be effective. Otherwise you're just a Marketer. 

4. Chick Sexer 

Allegedly this is a farming / poultry industry job where the person checks the gender of newly-hatched chicks. You know. Like chickens and roosters. Though I’m not 100% sure it’s a real job. I mean they have to do things other than just look at fowl private parts, right? Maybe clean up eggshells and stuff, I dunno. 

3. Head Receiver 

Point: I know this is the name of someone who is in charge of warehouses and receiving inbound inventory at said warehouses. Counterpoint: Hehehehehehehehe! HEAD RECEIVER!

2. Penetration Tester

A penetration test is an authorized simulated attack performed on a computer system to evaluate its security. While the job title above is certainly probably not the industry standard title for what is essentially a professional “white hat hacker” position, the job has apparently been advertised by tech companies with that title. Why? Because the people already staffing those companies are goofy fucking millennials and Gen X’ers with dirty minds just like you and me.

1. Conflict Archaeologist

Apparently a real thing. I’m not sure what exactly they do, but I bet it’s not as cool as I’m thinking it is. And just to be clear, I am thinking Indiana Jones. 

Ed Ranks the Dumbest Things in 2023

Ed Ranks Everything was inactive for most of 2023 before it’s glorious October return. And year-end-reviews are the types of filler blogs that people on Blogger like to put up as one year switches to another (there ARE still people on Blogger, right? Hrm. Maybe not).  Anyway, this is one of those. Enjoy the dumbest things that happened in 2023. 

10. A 6-Year-Old Shoots His Teacher

A First Grader shot his teacher in Virginia to basically begin 2023. I know it’s a bit of a slippery slope to say “a parent should be arrested for a crime their child committed,” but in this case I’m all about taking that first step down the slippery slope. 

9. Taking Horse Tranquilizers Before a Nice, Long Jacuzzi Soak 

RIP Matthew Perry. Addiction is a terrible thing, but you gotta admit that even for an addict this is pretty dumb. 

8. Dumb Antivaxer QB Gets Season-Ending Injury on First Drive of Season 

Aaron Rodgers is 1,500 years old (in football QB years) and got a season-ending injury on his first drive with his new team, the tragically awful Jets. I’m actually surprised he wasn’t able to come back sooner though. I’m sure he could just shoot up some Ivermectin in his Achilles and everything will magically heal.

7. Who Dat Speaker of the House? 

The Grand Ol' Party kicked out their own Speaker of the House and then the House of Representatives, the primary democratically-elected legislative body that runs this country according to the Constitution, didn’t have a leader for several weeks… or maybe it was months… but it sort of FELT LIKE years. What a banana republic shitshow this country is, huh? I bet even Zimbabwe is laughing at how poorly we run it. 

6. The Chinese Spy Balloon

This whole story was dumb. Everything about it. It feels dumb that the Chinese are using 18th century technology to spy on us. It feels dumb that apparently this wasn’t the first time the Chinese used 18th century technology to spy on the US and they had actually been doing these flights for a while and the US embarrassingly didn’t know anything about it because our elite NORAD technology wasn’t designed to look for 18th century threats. It’s SORT OF dumb that we let it continue to fly over the country even after we found it and didn’t shoot it down until it was over the water, but the people who complained about that are even dumber for not caring about the fact that if we shot it down over land it would… like… you know… crash down into our country in an unpredictable fashion and potentially cause great damage or kill people, which those very same dumb people would have ALSO complained about and would have said we should have waited until it went over water. There is no un-dumb side in this story. It’s all dumb. Balloons. China. The United States. People in general. All dumb. 

5. The NFL Turned into TMZ: Taylor Swift

I don’t care if Not-Olivia-Rodrigo and Travis MaAuto are dating. I wish them success and happiness for as long as their relationship lasts. But I really don’t need every Chiefs game, and several non-Chiefs games, to turn into live news feeds about the latest thing Taylor Swift is doing, which is usually just standing in a stadium lounge and cheering for her boyfriend inbetween selling out stadiums of her own and having like every single slot on the Billboard charts belong to her. The NFL should stick to what it’s really good at: constantly reminding us every two seconds during any Bills game that Damar Hamlin died on the field for a few minutes while glazing over the relentless brutality of the sport being the cause. 

4. Hamas Being Dumb as Fuck

Look, this one can get into a political, racial, and religious fight pretty quickly, so I won’t linger long on it. But what a bunch of dumb fucks. Hamas has essentially admitted that they didn’t expect their attack on a bunch of innocent people at a music festival to be so successful, and because it was so successful and killed so many people, Israel responded by turning the Gaza Strip (that Hamas runs) into rubble. If Hamas’s plan was “let’s do something that will make Israel completely destroy us,” then congratulations – your plan worked, you dumbasses. 

3. Active US Congressperson Dryfucks Date at Beetlejuice: The Musical 

Lauren Boebert is a congresswoman who has the combined brain power of at least 4 grasshoppers. She decided that a Denver theatre performance of Beetlejuice would be the appropriate place to vape in the back of the theatre and go to third base with her date. Obviously, because Beetlejuice is quite the sexy, erotic story. She lied about it, then video of it came out, and then she lied about it some more, then people aggressively talked about how she was lying about it despite video evidence that she was lying about it while also pointing out that her date was apparently famously liberal, and then she issued a half-hearted non-apology.  And her defense in the non-apology was that she didn’t even know the guy she was dryfucking was a liberal because she barely knew him. Good save there. “I usually fuck guys I barely know” is a pretty good way to save that family-values reputation.

2. Kid Rock vs. Bud Light 

Kid Rock feuded with Bud Light by taking a machine gun to a bunch of cans. Only he didn’t because if you actually watch the video, additional weapon fire was clearly coming from the side of the screen so it was actually someone else shooting the Bud cans because even Kid Rock, while filming the video, realized he was such an incompetent dipshit that he probably couldn’t do it on his own and he needed to stage it.  And also only he didn’t because he was clearly seen multiple times after drinking Bud Light and serving Bud Light in Kid Rock-branded bars (which are apparently a thing). Eventually he made some statements “ending” the feud, which I’m sure lacked zero self-awareness that he’s a douchenozzle who complains about “cancel culture” while also campaigning to cancel things. The only people who like Bud Light are also the people who like Kid Rock, so everything about this is dumb. 

1. Rich People Die in Tragedy in Watercraft Visting Wreckage of Rich People Who Died in Tragedy in Watercraft

The “Titan” was a submarine named after the Titanic, and which was designed to explore the wreckage of the Titanic on the ocean floor, which is waaaaay down deep at a water pressure level that kills people (hence the need to visit it in a pressurized submarine).  The company behind the Titan, OceanGate, was told several times that they should probably make the Titan safe, to which the OceanGate CEO, a generic rich guy, replied, “naaaa, let’s do it cheap.” That generic rich guy funded his shoddy carbon-fiber submarine operation that ran on a video game controller from Best Buy via other generic rich guys paying money to go see the wreckage of the Titanic as tourists who are pretending to be scientific crew members for legal purposes. Well, that CEO and all those other rich guys imploded and died (the "X" button probably got stuck on the controller, amiright?) Pretty dumb. But let's not forget the REAL victims here: the POOR people who also died abord the Titanic. But that was 100+ years ago, so I'm still allowed to joke about them.

Ed Ranks NFL Animal Team Names by Deadliness (to Humans)

It’s January, which means the NFL Playoffs are nearly upon us.  I’ve talked about sports team names before, but not specifically about NFL animal team names and how deadly those animals might be (I have, however, does this for the NBA).  I’ve determined there are 14 NFL teams named after animals (despite having a bison as their logo, the Buffalo Bills aren’t named after the animal the bison, but after Buffalo Bill the wild west guy) and here they are, ranked: 

14. Cardinal (Arizona Cardinals)

Nobody is scared of this song-singing yard bird. In fact people specifically buy types of birdseed to attract them. Cardinals are primarily granivorous, meaning their diet consists mainly of seeds and fruits. While they do eat insects, there is no reason to fear them unless you are secretly a small invertebrate reading this. Which is NOT my target audience. 

13. Raven (Baltimore Ravens)

With no continued offense to birds in general, this ranking will not go kindly for them. Because as scary as a “bird of prey” might sound, and as mean-looking as some of those talons might be – birds aren’t that big of a threat to people. Of the birds of prey, the raven (while jet black and famously ominous due to Edgar Allen Poe) has to be the least scary, with it being essentially a big crow. They are the most intelligent bird on this list, but they are essentially opportunistic carrion feeders moreso than a bird that will swoop down and kill something.

12. Seahawk (Seattle Seahawks)

While “sea hawk” isn’t a precise term, let’s give this animal the benefit of the doubt and assume it is the largest and seemingly most deadly of animals usually given that nickname – the osprey (pandion haliaetus) . And yes, osprey are certainly deadly… to fish. I mean it’s right there in the name. Sea. Hawk. Are you a fish? If not, then you have little to worry about. Still, some of these things can have nearly a 6 foot wingspan. At the very least if it accidently flies into you, you could have some serious damage. I mean maybe if they peck at you and it gets infected you'll die. That's about it though. 

11. Falcon (Atlanta Falcons)

Again not an exact term here, since the term falcon could refer to any one of 40 species in the genus Falco, but as with the sea hawk let’s give this animal the benefit of the doubt and say it’s a peregrine falcon (falco peregrinus). If so, these are some wicked fast murder machines that often swoop and kill other birds mid-air. By my Metro stop to take the train into the city, I am always seeing PARTS OF BIRDS laying around all over the place, indicating that some form of falcon likely lives atop the roof of one of the nearby buildings and does it’s thing that nature tells it to do. Brutal, but I bet if one tried to attack me I could still fuck it up with a shovel or something. Am I underestimating the ferocity of birds? Maybe.

10. Eagle (Philadelphia Eagles)

Closing out the bird rankings, the top bird on the list has to be an eagle, right? While this could be a golden eagle or some other type, I’m going to assume because this is AMERICA we’re talking about a bald eagle here (haliaeetus leucocephalus). They are the largest raptor in North America (depending on how to classify condors, which are just shitty vultures anyway) and can have a wingspan of 6 to 7 feet. I’m not going to lie and claim they don’t have some characteristics shared by some of the other birds (they can be opportunistic like ravens, and are mostly fish-feeders like ospreys/seahawks). However, just look at this giant murder bird with its majestic white head. Are you not intimidated? You should be. Also… I couldn’t bring myself to fuck one up with a shovel, unlike a normal-ass falcon. It would feel like treason. 

9. Ram (Los Angeles Rams)

Yes, a ram is just a sheep. How am I arguing that a grass-eating sheep is scarier than an awesome, predatory eagle? Well my friend, while the eagle certainly is a large bird and can have a 7+ foot wingspan – in the end the biggest of them will weigh 14 pounds max. While the size of a ram would certainly depend on what type of sheep it is, some of them can be 300+ pounds. And yes… eagle talons can be scary… but what about those ram horns? The ram horns that they like to RAM into you. It’s literally why the word “ram” is “ram” because these male sheep really like doing it to show they are the boss. I am sure rams have killed people before. 

8.  Dolphin (Miami Dolphins)

It’s hard to be THAT scared of a dolphin when there is one totally safe way to avoid them attacking you: don’t go in the water. That being said, there are lots of ways this seemingly “cute” Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper animal should fill you with fear. I called ravens the most intelligent bird, but I didn’t call them the smartest animal because dolphins are hella smart too (it’s hard to say which is smarter). And while ravens do things with their intelligence like make tools and stuff, dolphins use their intelligence to do things like find better ways to MURDER. It’s been argued that dolphins are the only other animal beyond humans that murder other animals for fun/sport. They kill animals that are not their prey that they eat, nor are rival animals which compete for the same resources or that might be trying to kill them. They just kill because they enjoy it. What a bunch of assholes. Seriously though, stay the hell out of the water and you’ll be fine. 

7. Colt (Indianapolis Colts)

Returning to the land, a colt is a young male horse that hasn’t been castrated. And let me tell you – a horse will mess you up. Horses are HUGE. Even though a colt is an immature horse that hasn’t reached its full size yet – it’s still big. All it will have to do is kick you with those hooves in the head and you’re a goner. I am definitely more scared of horses than I am of birds of prey or dumb swimming flipper mammals that can’t reach me on shore. 

6. Bronco (Denver Broncos)

Basically the same as above, but broncos get the edge over colts for two main reasons: 1) colts are inherently young and not fully sized yet, while a bronco can be a fully grown adult, and 2) the term “bronco” does not refer to any specific breed of horse, merely the behavior of a horse as WILD or UNTAMED. So yeah, with the case of broncos we can have like a 1200 pound mustang that is totally wild and rather than maybe accidently kicking you in the head because it got startled… will totally on purpose kick you in the head and trample you because it’s a wild/feral animal that does not want you anywhere near it.

4/5 (tie). Panther (Carolina Panthers) / Jaguar (Jacksonville Jaguars)

“Panther” is another inexact term referring to any of the five “big cats” in the genus Panthera (including other big cats on this list), but in the United States, the word "panther" typically refers to the cougar, aka mountain lion (puma concolor). Only the NFL team's visual depiction of the panther is of a black cat, aka a "black panther." But is a black panther a black cougar? No. Despite the common usage of that term in the US, there is no substantial evidence to suggest that black or melanistic cougars exist. While the term "panther" almost always refers to cougars in the US, the term "black panther" actually refers to melanistic color variants of jaguars  (panthera onca) or leopards (panthera pardus). And honestly between the two it probably refers to the jaguar, because that's at least a species with a North American range. So, in all honestly - thes two teams are likely using two different names to refer to the exact same animal, only Carolina uses the melanistic dark color variant, while Jacksonville uses the spotted color variant. 

Jaguars  aren’t the biggest of big cats, but they are fierce none the less and now we are solidly discussing an apex predator that you do not want to mess with. They are powerful, muscular murder kitties known for their abilities to climb and swim. So there is no way to run away from these things. They have a crazy strong bite and can pierce through the skulls of their prey to end all those unsavory things that their prey do like try to use their brains to figure out how to escape. In the end, I flip flopped between the jaguar/black panther and the next animal that comes in at #3 a lot and, at one time had jaguars ranked above. But in the end, jaguars are stand-offish and would rather be elusive and left alone around people, moreso than #3... which will typically be a bit more aggressive and territorial. 

3.  Bear (Chicago Bears)

As with other non-specific animals, I’ll assume the berar shall be represented by the fiercest and deadliest of bear candidates, namely the brown bear and especially it’s North American grizzly bear subspecies (ursus arctos horribilis). I mean HORRIBILIS is right in the Latin name, and while the modern word “grizzly” seems to imply someone who is “grizzled” (e.g. has graying hair), the 19th century term it was actually named after was spelled "grisly," meaning “fear-inspiring,” which is right in like with the whole HORRIBILIS thing. Males can weigh 850 lbs and stand like 8 feet tall if on their hind legs. And those claws are like 4 inches each and designed to tear apart flesh. No thank you.

2. Lion (Detroit Lions)

Lions might be called the king of the jungle but they don’t come in #1 because first of all they aren’t even the biggest and most ferious of cats and second they don’t even really live in jungles (what the hell, man?). Still though, I’d be a LOT more scared of a lion than a bear. Lions are scary as hell. And with their social behavior, they likely to  team up in prides to do a better job of killing things and feasting on their flesh. These are some big, scary kitties. But not as scary as… 

1. Bengal Tiger (Cincinnati Bengals)

Tigers are overall the biggest of the big cats, with Bengal tigers specifically being one of the largest cat species (they can be 600 pounds).  They have powerful jaws and teeth, and sharp murder razor claws. Now after all this you might be saying “aren’t bears even bigger, why aren’t they #1?” In “bear vs tiger,” I’m taking tiger every time. Cats are simply built in a more muscular and agile way than bears. They have incredible strength, can move much more quickly, and do things like leap at a poor bastard that a tanky bear couldn’t even dream of doing. And yeah, while the general rule like many other animals here is that they’d prefer to be left alone… they will absolutely and aggressively defend territory they consider to be “theirs.” Unlike the team named after them, which typically aggressively cedes territory to opposing offenses. Hahaha, suck it Lou Anarumo.