10. A 6-Year-Old Shoots His Teacher
A First Grader shot his teacher in Virginia to basically begin 2023. I know it’s a bit of a slippery slope to say “a parent should be arrested for a crime their child committed,” but in this case I’m all about taking that first step down the slippery slope.
9. Taking Horse Tranquilizers Before a Nice, Long Jacuzzi Soak
RIP Matthew Perry. Addiction is a terrible thing, but you gotta admit that even for an addict this is pretty dumb.
8. Dumb Antivaxer QB Gets Season-Ending Injury on First Drive of Season
Aaron Rodgers is 1,500 years old (in football QB years) and got a season-ending injury on his first drive with his new team, the tragically awful Jets. I’m actually surprised he wasn’t able to come back sooner though. I’m sure he could just shoot up some Ivermectin in his Achilles and everything will magically heal.
7. Who Dat Speaker of the House?
The Grand Ol' Party kicked out their own Speaker of the House and then the House of Representatives, the primary democratically-elected legislative body that runs this country according to the Constitution, didn’t have a leader for several weeks… or maybe it was months… but it sort of FELT LIKE years. What a banana republic shitshow this country is, huh? I bet even Zimbabwe is laughing at how poorly we run it.
6. The Chinese Spy Balloon
This whole story was dumb. Everything about it. It feels dumb that the Chinese are using 18th century technology to spy on us. It feels dumb that apparently this wasn’t the first time the Chinese used 18th century technology to spy on the US and they had actually been doing these flights for a while and the US embarrassingly didn’t know anything about it because our elite NORAD technology wasn’t designed to look for 18th century threats. It’s SORT OF dumb that we let it continue to fly over the country even after we found it and didn’t shoot it down until it was over the water, but the people who complained about that are even dumber for not caring about the fact that if we shot it down over land it would… like… you know… crash down into our country in an unpredictable fashion and potentially cause great damage or kill people, which those very same dumb people would have ALSO complained about and would have said we should have waited until it went over water. There is no un-dumb side in this story. It’s all dumb. Balloons. China. The United States. People in general. All dumb.
5. The NFL Turned into TMZ: Taylor Swift
I don’t care if Not-Olivia-Rodrigo and Travis MaAuto are dating. I wish them success and happiness for as long as their relationship lasts. But I really don’t need every Chiefs game, and several non-Chiefs games, to turn into live news feeds about the latest thing Taylor Swift is doing, which is usually just standing in a stadium lounge and cheering for her boyfriend inbetween selling out stadiums of her own and having like every single slot on the Billboard charts belong to her. The NFL should stick to what it’s really good at: constantly reminding us every two seconds during any Bills game that Damar Hamlin died on the field for a few minutes while glazing over the relentless brutality of the sport being the cause.
4. Hamas Being Dumb as Fuck
Look, this one can get into a political, racial, and religious fight pretty quickly, so I won’t linger long on it. But what a bunch of dumb fucks. Hamas has essentially admitted that they didn’t expect their attack on a bunch of innocent people at a music festival to be so successful, and because it was so successful and killed so many people, Israel responded by turning the Gaza Strip (that Hamas runs) into rubble. If Hamas’s plan was “let’s do something that will make Israel completely destroy us,” then congratulations – your plan worked, you dumbasses.
3. Active US Congressperson Dryfucks Date at Beetlejuice: The Musical
Lauren Boebert is a congresswoman who has the combined brain power of at least 4 grasshoppers. She decided that a Denver theatre performance of Beetlejuice would be the appropriate place to vape in the back of the theatre and go to third base with her date. Obviously, because Beetlejuice is quite the sexy, erotic story. She lied about it, then video of it came out, and then she lied about it some more, then people aggressively talked about how she was lying about it despite video evidence that she was lying about it while also pointing out that her date was apparently famously liberal, and then she issued a half-hearted non-apology. And her defense in the non-apology was that she didn’t even know the guy she was dryfucking was a liberal because she barely knew him. Good save there. “I usually fuck guys I barely know” is a pretty good way to save that family-values reputation.
2. Kid Rock vs. Bud Light
Kid Rock feuded with Bud Light by taking a machine gun to a bunch of cans. Only he didn’t because if you actually watch the video, additional weapon fire was clearly coming from the side of the screen so it was actually someone else shooting the Bud cans because even Kid Rock, while filming the video, realized he was such an incompetent dipshit that he probably couldn’t do it on his own and he needed to stage it. And also only he didn’t because he was clearly seen multiple times after drinking Bud Light and serving Bud Light in Kid Rock-branded bars (which are apparently a thing). Eventually he made some statements “ending” the feud, which I’m sure lacked zero self-awareness that he’s a douchenozzle who complains about “cancel culture” while also campaigning to cancel things. The only people who like Bud Light are also the people who like Kid Rock, so everything about this is dumb.
1. Rich People Die in Tragedy in Watercraft Visting Wreckage of Rich People Who Died in Tragedy in Watercraft
The “Titan” was a submarine named after the Titanic, and which was designed to explore the wreckage of the Titanic on the ocean floor, which is waaaaay down deep at a water pressure level that kills people (hence the need to visit it in a pressurized submarine). The company behind the Titan, OceanGate, was told several times that they should probably make the Titan safe, to which the OceanGate CEO, a generic rich guy, replied, “naaaa, let’s do it cheap.” That generic rich guy funded his shoddy carbon-fiber submarine operation that ran on a video game controller from Best Buy via other generic rich guys paying money to go see the wreckage of the Titanic as tourists who are pretending to be scientific crew members for legal purposes. Well, that CEO and all those other rich guys imploded and died (the "X" button probably got stuck on the controller, amiright?) Pretty dumb. But let's not forget the REAL victims here: the POOR people who also died abord the Titanic. But that was 100+ years ago, so I'm still allowed to joke about them.
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