14. Cardinal (Arizona Cardinals)
Nobody is scared of this song-singing yard bird. In fact people specifically buy types of birdseed to attract them. Cardinals are primarily granivorous, meaning their diet consists mainly of seeds and fruits. While they do eat insects, there is no reason to fear them unless you are secretly a small invertebrate reading this. Which is NOT my target audience.
13. Raven (Baltimore Ravens)
With no continued offense to birds in general, this ranking will not go kindly for them. Because as scary as a “bird of prey” might sound, and as mean-looking as some of those talons might be – birds aren’t that big of a threat to people. Of the birds of prey, the raven (while jet black and famously ominous due to Edgar Allen Poe) has to be the least scary, with it being essentially a big crow. They are the most intelligent bird on this list, but they are essentially opportunistic carrion feeders moreso than a bird that will swoop down and kill something.
12. Seahawk (Seattle Seahawks)
While “sea hawk” isn’t a precise term, let’s give this animal the benefit of the doubt and assume it is the largest and seemingly most deadly of animals usually given that nickname – the osprey (pandion haliaetus) . And yes, osprey are certainly deadly… to fish. I mean it’s right there in the name. Sea. Hawk. Are you a fish? If not, then you have little to worry about. Still, some of these things can have nearly a 6 foot wingspan. At the very least if it accidently flies into you, you could have some serious damage. I mean maybe if they peck at you and it gets infected you'll die. That's about it though.
11. Falcon (Atlanta Falcons)
Again not an exact term here, since the term falcon could refer to any one of 40 species in the genus Falco, but as with the sea hawk let’s give this animal the benefit of the doubt and say it’s a peregrine falcon (falco peregrinus). If so, these are some wicked fast murder machines that often swoop and kill other birds mid-air. By my Metro stop to take the train into the city, I am always seeing PARTS OF BIRDS laying around all over the place, indicating that some form of falcon likely lives atop the roof of one of the nearby buildings and does it’s thing that nature tells it to do. Brutal, but I bet if one tried to attack me I could still fuck it up with a shovel or something. Am I underestimating the ferocity of birds? Maybe.
10. Eagle (Philadelphia Eagles)
Closing out the bird rankings, the top bird on the list has to be an eagle, right? While this could be a golden eagle or some other type, I’m going to assume because this is AMERICA we’re talking about a bald eagle here (haliaeetus leucocephalus). They are the largest raptor in North America (depending on how to classify condors, which are just shitty vultures anyway) and can have a wingspan of 6 to 7 feet. I’m not going to lie and claim they don’t have some characteristics shared by some of the other birds (they can be opportunistic like ravens, and are mostly fish-feeders like ospreys/seahawks). However, just look at this giant murder bird with its majestic white head. Are you not intimidated? You should be. Also… I couldn’t bring myself to fuck one up with a shovel, unlike a normal-ass falcon. It would feel like treason.
9. Ram (Los Angeles Rams)
Yes, a ram is just a sheep. How am I arguing that a grass-eating sheep is scarier than an awesome, predatory eagle? Well my friend, while the eagle certainly is a large bird and can have a 7+ foot wingspan – in the end the biggest of them will weigh 14 pounds max. While the size of a ram would certainly depend on what type of sheep it is, some of them can be 300+ pounds. And yes… eagle talons can be scary… but what about those ram horns? The ram horns that they like to RAM into you. It’s literally why the word “ram” is “ram” because these male sheep really like doing it to show they are the boss. I am sure rams have killed people before.
8. Dolphin (Miami Dolphins)
It’s hard to be THAT scared of a dolphin when there is one totally safe way to avoid them attacking you: don’t go in the water. That being said, there are lots of ways this seemingly “cute” Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper animal should fill you with fear. I called ravens the most intelligent bird, but I didn’t call them the smartest animal because dolphins are hella smart too (it’s hard to say which is smarter). And while ravens do things with their intelligence like make tools and stuff, dolphins use their intelligence to do things like find better ways to MURDER. It’s been argued that dolphins are the only other animal beyond humans that murder other animals for fun/sport. They kill animals that are not their prey that they eat, nor are rival animals which compete for the same resources or that might be trying to kill them. They just kill because they enjoy it. What a bunch of assholes. Seriously though, stay the hell out of the water and you’ll be fine.
7. Colt (Indianapolis Colts)
Returning to the land, a colt is a young male horse that hasn’t been castrated. And let me tell you – a horse will mess you up. Horses are HUGE. Even though a colt is an immature horse that hasn’t reached its full size yet – it’s still big. All it will have to do is kick you with those hooves in the head and you’re a goner. I am definitely more scared of horses than I am of birds of prey or dumb swimming flipper mammals that can’t reach me on shore.
6. Bronco (Denver Broncos)
Basically the same as above, but broncos get the edge over colts for two main reasons: 1) colts are inherently young and not fully sized yet, while a bronco can be a fully grown adult, and 2) the term “bronco” does not refer to any specific breed of horse, merely the behavior of a horse as WILD or UNTAMED. So yeah, with the case of broncos we can have like a 1200 pound mustang that is totally wild and rather than maybe accidently kicking you in the head because it got startled… will totally on purpose kick you in the head and trample you because it’s a wild/feral animal that does not want you anywhere near it.
4/5 (tie). Panther (Carolina Panthers) / Jaguar (Jacksonville Jaguars)
“Panther” is another inexact term referring to any of the five “big cats” in the genus Panthera (including other big cats on this list), but in the United States, the word "panther" typically refers to the cougar, aka mountain lion (puma concolor). Only the NFL team's visual depiction of the panther is of a black cat, aka a "black panther." But is a black panther a black cougar? No. Despite the common usage of that term in the US, there is no substantial evidence to suggest that black or melanistic cougars exist. While the term "panther" almost always refers to cougars in the US, the term "black panther" actually refers to melanistic color variants of jaguars (panthera onca) or leopards (panthera pardus). And honestly between the two it probably refers to the jaguar, because that's at least a species with a North American range. So, in all honestly - thes two teams are likely using two different names to refer to the exact same animal, only Carolina uses the melanistic dark color variant, while Jacksonville uses the spotted color variant.
Jaguars aren’t the biggest of big cats, but they are fierce none the less and now we are solidly discussing an apex predator that you do not want to mess with. They are powerful, muscular murder kitties known for their abilities to climb and swim. So there is no way to run away from these things. They have a crazy strong bite and can pierce through the skulls of their prey to end all those unsavory things that their prey do like try to use their brains to figure out how to escape. In the end, I flip flopped between the jaguar/black panther and the next animal that comes in at #3 a lot and, at one time had jaguars ranked above. But in the end, jaguars are stand-offish and would rather be elusive and left alone around people, moreso than #3... which will typically be a bit more aggressive and territorial.
3. Bear (Chicago Bears)
As with other non-specific animals, I’ll assume the berar shall be represented by the fiercest and deadliest of bear candidates, namely the brown bear and especially it’s North American grizzly bear subspecies (ursus arctos horribilis). I mean HORRIBILIS is right in the Latin name, and while the modern word “grizzly” seems to imply someone who is “grizzled” (e.g. has graying hair), the 19th century term it was actually named after was spelled "grisly," meaning “fear-inspiring,” which is right in like with the whole HORRIBILIS thing. Males can weigh 850 lbs and stand like 8 feet tall if on their hind legs. And those claws are like 4 inches each and designed to tear apart flesh. No thank you.
2. Lion (Detroit Lions)
Lions might be called the king of the jungle but they don’t come in #1 because first of all they aren’t even the biggest and most ferious of cats and second they don’t even really live in jungles (what the hell, man?). Still though, I’d be a LOT more scared of a lion than a bear. Lions are scary as hell. And with their social behavior, they likely to team up in prides to do a better job of killing things and feasting on their flesh. These are some big, scary kitties. But not as scary as…
1. Bengal Tiger (Cincinnati Bengals)
Tigers are overall the biggest of the big cats, with Bengal tigers specifically being one of the largest cat species (they can be 600 pounds). They have powerful jaws and teeth, and sharp murder razor claws. Now after all this you might be saying “aren’t bears even bigger, why aren’t they #1?” In “bear vs tiger,” I’m taking tiger every time. Cats are simply built in a more muscular and agile way than bears. They have incredible strength, can move much more quickly, and do things like leap at a poor bastard that a tanky bear couldn’t even dream of doing. And yeah, while the general rule like many other animals here is that they’d prefer to be left alone… they will absolutely and aggressively defend territory they consider to be “theirs.” Unlike the team named after them, which typically aggressively cedes territory to opposing offenses. Hahaha, suck it Lou Anarumo.
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