I know that’s subjective. I know one might say, “Ed, it’s offensive to other cultures to call their traditions ‘weird’.” My response to that is… uhh… okay, sorry or something? I’m still doing it.
10. Eat 12 Grapes (Spain)
Yep. You eat a grape for every chime of the clock at midnight on New Year's Day. I guess every grape is supposed to be one month of good luck or something? So it’s a good thing there are the same number of hours on a clockface as there are months in a year or this whole thing wouldn’t work out. I guess it’s not that much different than Americans drinking champagne, right? I mean we essentially do the same, but the grapes are in liquid form. So really not that weird at all. Barely weird. Practically normal. Not at all dangerous or psychopathic like some of the things we’ll see later on this ranking. I’ve also heard that Italians eat 12 spoonful of lentils in a similar way, but I’m not ranking that because the grape thing is much more famous.
9. Carrying an Empty Suitcase Around the Block (Latin America)
Some websites specifically attribute this to Mexico, although it’s common enough in other Latin American countries. Take an empty suitcase. Run around the block with it. You’ll be blessed with a new year full of travel and new experiences. I’ve actually done this before. Although depending on the size of the block you live on, this could be a pretty big task. And what if you live way out in the suburbs where there aren’t blocks? I sort of feel bad for calling this weird. I mean it’s no more weird than wearing a St. Christopher necklace which is sort of the same thing for travel luck and if you actually look up the St. Christopher story that’s arguably a LOT more weird than an empty suitcase.
8. Watching a Socially Critical Soviet-Era Screwball Romantic Comedy (Russia)
On New Years Eve, it’s a tradition in Russia and former Soviet states to watch “The Irony of Fate,” a 1976 TV film that is best described as a wacky romcom with a happy ending, but which also contains fairly cutting criticism of the soulless uniformity of the Brezhnev-era urban landscape, especially drab Soviet architecture. Being critical of the state wasn’t exactly a super common thing in the Soviet era, so how they got away with doing this and not being executed is pretty interesting. It was apparently popular enough in 1976 so that it eventually became a tradition and people still watch it on New Years Eve. How… charming? Hope they get a moment of joy watching this before returning to their modern repressed kleptocracy hellscape.
7. Jumping off a Chair (Denmark)
This one is fairly simple. Get on a chair (or I suppose a couch or other furniture is allowed), and then jump off of it at midnight. Okay, Danes. Whatever. I guess that makes EVERY year for you a LEAP YEAR, huh? HUH? HUH? GET IT? Ahahaha-HAHAHA…ahhhh… I’m so disgusted with myself right now.
6. Wearing White and Jumping into the Sea (Brazil, with West African origins)
Okay, wearing white isn’t that crazy. In fact, it’s quite common throughout Africa. So common that it’s unranked here. It’s not even weird. But the legacy of the Transatlantic slave trade also brought many African traditions to the Americas, where those traditions… erm… evolved over time. So many Brazilians, many of whom have African origins, still wear white for New Year's Day. Cool. Not weird at all. Oh, and they also sometimes make little offerings into the ocean (like white flowers) to Lemanjá, a sea goddess that is descended from the Yorba Religion’s “Yemọja,” a water spirit. Okay, getting a little “sacrifice-ey” here with the offerings to the ancient sea goddess. But still not too crazy, right? I mean it’s not like in Brazil they also offer themselves to the sea (symbolically) by throwing themselves into the water, right? Right? Right? Ohhhhh… they dooooooo. Hrm. Fair enough. I guess I can count that as “weird.” To be fair, this has gone on in Brazil long enough that most people don't recognize it's origins and think they're just going out and hitting a few waves (often 7) for good luck. But yeah... pagan water goddess sacrifice origins.
5. Wearing Polka Dots and Eating Round Fruits (The Phillipines)
There are entire articles out there like “13 Quirky Filipino New Years Traditions,” so this is a culture that does a lot of weird stuff for the New Year. I’m focusing on two of them year – wearing polka dots and eating only round fruit. Bananas? Absolutely not. Mangoes? NO! That’s oblong! Try again! I suppose round fruits and polka dots are both circles… so I’m just guessing that maybe the connection between circular things and the New Year is like the circle of life or something like that? The circular orbit around the sun? Although wait... technically that’s oblong too. So you know what? Mangoes should be allowed.
4. House Cleaning (Scotland and Japan)
Wow, this one sucks. What do Japan and Scotland have in common other than Whisky? Well, Scotland has “redding the house” and Japan has “Osouji” – a “big cleaning.” Both of these involve cleaning the house. What sort of terrible people decided that New Years should be celebrated with CHORES? Come on, Scotland. Wasn’t singing Auld Lang Syne enough? No need to bring mops and brooms into this. Let people have a day off.
3. Find the Man with Many Noses (Spain)
Remember how Spain had the #1 crazy-ass alternative to Santa Claus with the Catalan region’s “Tió de Nadal” (aka the log that you dress up and beat with sticks until it shits out candy)? Well, Catalonia doesn’t think that this weird-ass Christmas tradition is enough because just a week later they have a weird-ass New Year’s tradition – the L’home dels nassos, or “the man with many noses.” This is a mysterious man who begins the year with 365 noses on his face, and he sheds one every day until the last day of the year, when he only has one nose left. Yet, ironically, this is the day that children are sent out to go look for him. Despite the fact that LITERALLY ANY OTHER DAY would be a better day to find him, since he only has one nose this day and looks exactly like everyone else. God, parents are such dicks to their children in Catalonia.
2. Throwing Shit Out Windows (South Africa… and maybe also Southern Italy)
You’ll find lots of articles about this South African “tradition,” though about half of them claim that the tradition is throwing old appliances out of windows (like fridges) and the other half talk about throwing out old furniture. Either way, South Africans seem to be all about defenestration. Wait. Is defenestration only people? Okay, not defenestration then. Just things. They throw things out windows. Which seems SUPER dangerous. You thought drunk drivers in the US were bad? Imagine just getting murdered by a falling fridge walking on a street in Johannesburg like it’s some sort of Looney Tunes short. Oh, there are also a couple of articles that says this is common in southern Italy too. Might as well also name this the tradition of negligent manslaughter.
1. The Burning of the Años Viejos (Ecuador)
Nothing says “Happy New Year!” quite like creating life-size effigies of people and throwing them into a pyre to BURN. Yep, you spend your day with your friends. Maybe have a nice pork cookout or something. Then head to the town square to set giant dolls representing the old year aflame. I could see this being appropriate for a particularly shitty year. Which Ecuador I guess must have a lot of to make this a tradition. Well, here's to 2022. May it be tranformed into a puppet and burned like like the filthy witch it was.
No comments:
Post a Comment