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| Hawaiian noises? |
10. Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love” (1986)
This is not a complex music video, but it is ICONIC. It also supports the argument I made in part 1 of this ranking where I implied that 1986 was THE YEAR for music videos. I could explain the video – but I’m sure it’s already visualized in your head. Robert Palmer in the white shirt and black tie singing to the microphone in the middle. He’s completely flanked by nearly identical supermodels with the reddest lipstick you’ve ever seen in your life, heavy eye makeup,and blush. They have short, slicked-back black hair. They’re all wearing the same black dress and dancing awkwardly while pretending they know how to play musical instruments. Their faces make no signs of emotion at all. It’s like if the Borg assimilated people into FASHION. That’s all this video needed. No complex twists. 4 minutes of these models dancing. And it made everyone super horny.
9. Madonna – “Like a Prayer” (1989)
Did you see “Madonna” and “Like a…” and think I ranked the wrong video? Nope. Just hold your horses, we’re getting there. Coming five years after the first part of what I am right now naming the “Like a…” duology (you know, trilogy minus one) – Madonna made massively controversial waves with this video. Lots of people pretend like this video was only controversial because it used religious themes, including but not limited to burning crosses (although why would anyone be shocked that someone named MADONNA might stir religious controversy?). Or maybe because the “political” nature of it, like the white guys attacking Madonna but the Black guy getting in trouble. And by the way… how did that one white guy jump down from the sky to attack her anyway? Seriously, re-watch it, is he like a sky ninja or something? He flies out of nowhere! But let’s be honest, most people who hated Madonna and hated this video were probably most angry at the fact that there was an interracial relationship in this video… or even by the fact that a Catholic-ey religious wax figure would be depicted as a Black dude. And then that wax figure would come alive like some weird sequel to Mannequin. Ya know what? Honestly let’s pretend this IS the sequel to Mannequin and that Mannequin Two: On The Move never happened (no offense, Meshach Taylor).
8. Van Halen – “Jump” (1983) - Yes, I know the album is 1984
Yeah, I know the album is literally “1984” but I’m correct because this came out in 1983. As with “Pour Some Sugar on Me” this is a very typical “concert music video” showing Van Halen live on stage. And as I also stated with the former song – it wasn’t particularly an original or novel concept for music videos. Yet unlike all those other more mundane bands on stage, Van Halen could rise above it by simply being Van Halen. The dynamic performances of David Lee Roth jumping around on stage. The tight leather. Eddie Van Halen absolutely shredding the guitar (and honestly, the synthesizer. Can you shred a synthesizer? I’m not sure, but if you can, that’s what Eddie is doing). Is it a simple concept? Yes. But this exception that breaks the rule because this is the “concert video” to which all other concert videos are compared. Concert videos are generally meh, not because the concept isn't a good one - but because they have to live up to being as good of a concert video as "Jump."
7. Duran Duran – “Hungry Like the Wolf” (1982)
The busy streets full of traffic and bustling marketplaces. The all-white suit guy with his Karate Kid bandana. The mildly spicy legacy of colonialism in Sri Lanka. The monkey. Pulling off those shades. Throwing over that restaurant table for no damned reason. A trek through tropical rivers and jungles. Crossing a rickety old rope bridge and a foot falling through. That Black lady turning into a tiger after she kisses the dude. Face paint and fighting natives. A very wobby, unsteady camera. Those AMAZING new wave hairstyles. I don’t know what’s going on here. This music video is more of an Indiana Jones film than any Indiana Jones film ever was. What an incredible video. I need to watch this 400 more times starting right now. Wait. Do they even have wolves in Sri Lanka? Maybe not. But "Hungty Like the Purple-Faced Langur" lacks that certain je ne sais quoi.
6. Madonna – “Like a Virgin” (1984)
Moving from random tigers in Sri Lanka to random lions in Venice. Ahhhh yes. I had somehow forgotten that this video was set in Venice and that Spiderman: Far From Home isn’t the most iconic entertainment medium to feature Venice (seriously though, the movie has Zendaya). This was Madonna’s big breakthrough. The stylish, punky clothes. The makeup. That spin with the bouncy curly hair. The gondolas. The virginal white wedding gown compared to the suggestive nature of everything else about Madonna. It’s sexy enough so that dudes want to watch it, and yet also sort of feminist and about sexual liberation and defying society norms about “innocence.” And man oh man did she change fashion afterwards. Bracelets and fingerless glove sales must have gone through the roof. Forget killing Hitler or warning the people of Pompeii. Priority #1 for anyone with a time machine would be to go open up a "Bracelet and Fingerless Glove Emporium" in 1983 and cash in. How big was Madonna? Big enough for Weird Al to parody her, which is the official sign during the MTV era that you’ve become a superstar.
5. Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (1983)
What begins with visuals about a weirdo private investigator / paparazzi suddenly goes to color as Michael Jackson trots along a sidewalk and the sidewalk lights up with his steps (and I guess he can also light up hobos into millionaires with magic coins, light up stairs, light up poles, etc). Then we pan up to see that pink dress shirt and oh-so-perfectly askew red bowtie. God, Michael Jackson videos were so damned good back in the day. Yes, the light up sidewalk is the thing that everyone remembers from this, and of course they should because it amazing. But I especially love just how much this music video set doesn’t try to look like anything other than a set. It’s very minimalist and intentionally fake-looking, like a theatre stage, and the video has a sort of hazy, dreamlike look. Who needs a big, expensive production when all you need to make a Michael Jackson video iconic is Michael Jackson + dancing? Also, by the way everyone… Michael Jackson doesn’t appear in the paparazzi’s photos, so I think he might be a vampire or something. That could explain why his skin went white, right? No sunlight. I mean I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt there. Also… this video has always left me with the giant mystery of who those two women are on the screen he walks by when it randomly says “Louisa” at the bottom.. "Just search the internet, Ed." Duh. I have. The answers are inconsistant and lack sourcing. BUT I MUST KNOW.
4. a-ha - "Take On Me" (1985)
a-yes, the good ol’ “Pipe Wrench Fight” music video. Amongst the many powerhouses of American and British names who ruled MTV in the 80s, and which also dominate this very top 20 list, somehow a Norwegian synth-pop band has crushed its way past so many other names including Madonna. And don’t call them a “one hit wonder” either (a-ha had a James Bond theme song too!) Yes, the song is catchy as hell, but as you can reason that much of their success had to do with this creative music video that makes extensive use of rotoscoping (a fancy term for “tracing” – not to be used as an insult, as many classic animated features like Snow White used rotoscoping to give realistic human movement). Here the fact that it’s traced is sort of obvious, because we pop between the worlds of handsome man and pencil-tracing of handsome man. The video? Oh right. A woman sits at a café reading I guess a comic or something, when the handsome man in the comic winks at her. She’s then pulled into the world of the handsome comic man (infuriating the waitress who thinks she’s dined and dashed) but has to deal with handsome man’s arch rivals – a 1950s motorcycle gang led by pipe wrench guy. A fantastic video with an enduring legacy. Just how enduring? This music video has reached over a BILLION views on YouTube – one of only five from before the 21st century to do so. And only one other video from the 80s has done so: "Sweet Child o’ Mine" (of course also on this list).
3. Michael Jackson – “Thriller” (1982)
I know, I know. You’re confused about why this isn’t ranked #1. I think every other person who ranks music videos ranks "Thriller" as #1. Not just for the 80s, but typically for all videos of all time. It’s too easy of a pick. And honestly? This video isn’t that watchable. It’s like 14 damn minutes long. That is TOO LONG. Remember how I said Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun” was cinematic? This is obviously cinematic too, but Aerosmith whittled their story down to 5 minutes while this one takes half the run time of a 30-minute TV show. True yes, there is a cut down 3 ½ minute version, but that’s not the version anyone talks about. Hey, this is a great music video for all the reasons you think it is. The plot. The costumes. The zombie makeup. The dances. Wondering if Michael Jackson cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn box (I assume he did not). But you could watch Meatloaf’s “I’d Do Anything For Love” music video TWO TIMES in the time it takes to finish watching “Thriller” and that Meatloaf video already feels like it’s Titanic and I need to take a bathroom break in the middle. Look, don’t be a hater. I’m still ranking this video very, VERY high. If MJ could have just worked on some time management though.
2. Peter Gabriel - "Sledgehammer" (1986)
This won a record 9 MTV Awards in 1987 and is apparently MTV’s most played video of all time. There is a reason why. It’s such a strange, whimsical, and surreal music video. Do the special effects hold up to today? I mean the short answer is “no,” but at the time this was really creative stuff. The extensive use various types of mediums to create the video, including microscope footage (I’m fairly sure I learned what a sperm looked like from this video long before sex education, and my mom had to explain "that ain’t a tadpole, Ed!”), Claymation (when his hands turn into hammers and he SMASHES HIS OWN FACE IN) and, of course, various other forms of stop motion using recorded video, cut-outs, props, etc. There is the toy train going around his head, the chalkboard roller coaster ride, his ice face being smashed by a hammer, the walking furniture near the end of the video, the fruit face (sorry Giuseppe Arcimboldo – you may have been the original, but it’s Peter Gabriel’s thing now), and OF COURSE THE DANCING CHICKENS. Then at the end of the video he turns into… stars… I guess? It’s all so very much like a weird-ass, absurdist Terry Gilliam Monty Python animated segment. Also, look at the year again. 1986. See? Was I wrong about 86?
1. Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing" (1985)
Sometimes creating a music video for a song is an
afterthought to the song itself, but that doesn’t feel like the case here. It feels
like this song existed simply to make a music video out of it. Like the band
was pandering to MTV. Dire Strait’s Mark Knopfler has been open that he was in
an appliance store where an employee in there was watching MTV and
talking shit – and he grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down exactly what this
guy was saying for the lyrics. You get the gist. Rich, out of touch
billionaires banging on drums and getting money for nothing and chicks for free
instead of having real blue collar jobs where they’ve got to install microwave ovens. The
song is literally a first person narration about MTV and all the videos on MTV and
the people on MTV. And the music video actually FEATURES other MTV music
videos in it, as well as adds in Sting to re-do his famous “Don’t Stand So
Close to Me” line with the new lyrics “I want my, I want my, I want my MTV.” So
was this actually shamelessly pandering it’s way to the top and the song was inentially created to become the GREATEST MTV MUSIC VIDEO? Actually… no. Knopfler has
also been open that he sort of hated music videos and though they were dumb,
and he had to be convinced to do one by someone selling him this concept. And
what a concept it was… the visuals were groundbreaking (for their time). No one
had seen anything like this. While Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” was pushing the
boundaries of what old stop motion visual techniques could do, Dire Straits relied
on a new tool. Something called “computer graphics.” Oh yeah, and boy oh boy
did it blow everyone’s minds. This went far
beyond any Pac-Man or Asteroids computer graphics people might have known from
video games. Yes, it was fairly primitive. But think about the fact that this
was 1985 and we were only 8 years away from Jurassic Park coming out. We
went from blocky, square appliance men to real-looking dinos that quickly. 8 years ago from
today was 2015 and computer graphics have in no way advanced that much further
in 8 years. In fact I think they look worse now because they’re so overused
that people lazily over-rely on them. But in 85 there was a perfect storm: an
emerging new technology, a song that became a meta song about MTV itself, and then
became a meta MTV music video about MTV music videos.
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