Ed Ranks Alternatives to Santa Claus

Santa. You’ve heard of him. Big fat guy with a beard. Red suit. Flying reindeer. But he’s not the only mythical figure associated with Christmas / the Holiday Season to perform a “gift giver” function. How about I rank some of the others? Oh yeah… also, don’t expect “Saint Nicholas,” “Father Christmas,” “Père Noël” or “Sinterklaas” to be ranked separately just because they are technically slight twists or older versions of the very Americanized “Santa Claus.” Those are basically all the same dude.  We need something a little different – but still meets some important criteria like being a gift-giver (and alternatively a punisher for those who misbehave)  who is associated with either Christmas itself or mid-winter events like the solstice or winter holidays.  

10. Zwarte Piet

Speaking of Sinterklaas (Dutch Santa), he has an assistant known as Black Pete that is…uh… racist as hell. Sorry Holland, you know it is and you can’t deny it. Let’s not talk about Black Pete anymore. 

9. Ded Moroz and Snegurochka

Ded Moroz (aka “Grandfather Frost”) was dangerously close to just being “Slavic Santa” and being eliminated from consideration like Father Christmas and Père Noël. But I suppose Ded Moroz has enough slight differences to be a unique figure. Yes, he still fulfills the “giving gifts to good kids during winter” function, while maintaining a very Santa-like appearance. However, there are lots of variations of him and sometimes he’s more of a “winter wizard” or a “snow demon.” But one of the primary reasons he’s different is that he also travels around with Snegurochka (“Snow Maiden” – you know, like the unfiltered sake), his helper and granddaughter who often wears a snowflake-shaped crown. I assume she’s basically Elsa, right? 

8. La Befana 

Befana is an old woman (most commonly fitting the profile of a “witch”) who delivers gifts to children throughout Italy on Epiphany Eve (the night of January 5) in a similar way to Santa does for Christmas (or I guess technically Three Magi Kings would be the OG Christmas gift-givers, right?). How does she deliver gifts? She puts them in socks. Is this sounding familiar? It should. Of course since she’s a woman… so it’s also a common tradition that she also sweeps the floor when she visits your house to give gifts. I mean how sexist are Italians?  They make their version of Santa an old hag who has to do housework.

7. Olentzero

In Basque regions between Spain and France, Olentzero is a weird and probably pre-Christian figure that has continued on through the ages. He’s essentially from a race of giants who lived in the Pyrenes and is usually said to be the last of the giants left for various reasons. There are all sorts of variations of the story of how he came to be, including versions where he dies but then is blessed with immortality by a fairy. What does he do? Come down from the mountains and go from town to town on Christmas Eve to leave gifts to good children. Duh. Sensing a theme here?

6. Christkind / Christkindl

It’s sort of strange that somehow a holiday about the birth of baby Jesus got so closely associated with a fat bearded gift giver – but if there is a good explanation for how this all happened, it’s probably the Christkind from Germanic Europe (that also still exists today as the primary gift giver in several Catholic and Latin American countries). Literally German for “Christ Child” (but also commonly more accurately translated as “Lil Jesus” in other languages, like “Ježíšek” in the Czech tongue) this is – yeah – literally the Christ Child. Yep. Yep. Yep. Baby Jesus is going around and giving gifts himself rather than the fat red bastard. So we sort of meet in the middle here and can see this is a transitional concept from how we got from the little baby to the old gift man. 

5. Nisse

These are basically little Scandinavians elves with white beards and tall, conical hats (think garden gnomes) who are closely associated with the winter solstice and Christmastime. They live around your houses and barns and will protect you and give you good fortune if you are nice to them (by doing stuff like leaving them out a bowl of porridge for Christmas). If you are NOT nice to them they might do stuff like KILL YOUR LIVESTOCK, which seems a LOT more severe than leaving a lump of coal. These Scandinavians are hardcore, man. Speaking of which... 

4. Jólasveinar

These are 13 Icelandic “Yule Lads” (often depicted as troll-like). Yep, rather than there being just one Santa, Iceland has 13 of them that arrive on 13 different nights – totally outdoing the 12 days of Christmas by a whole additional day. However, these lads are total weirdos with names that translate to things like “Window Peeper” and “Candle Stealer.” Like Santa wanting you to be naughty or nice, they can alternatively either leave you candy for being good or steal shit from you (or maybe leave rotten potatoes) if you are bad. This already sounds a million times better than our Christmas. How can we get ourselves 13 seperate Santas for December and have it be a coin flip on each night as to whether we are gifted things we want on any given night or alternatively PUNK'D by some piss shark-eating Icelandic gnome version of Ashton Kutcher. 

3. Jólakötturinn

If you thought we were done talking about Iceland after the Yule Lads – think again, because Iceland also has the Yule Cat! Similar to the Krampus of German folklore, this cat is really a punisher and not a rewarder. How so? Legend has it that anyone who does not have new clothes before Christmas Eve will be EATEN BY THE GIANT EVIL YULE CAT. Ohmygod whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this a thing? One theory is that it was an attempt to encourage / force wool harvests in the fall by threatening children with being eaten if they don’t do their absolute most to make sure those sheep and sheared and new wool woven for the winter. Anyway, getting a pair of socks for Christmas doesn’t sound so bad if you have the fear that a giant Icelandic Voltron Lion is going to consume your flesh if you don’t. 

2. Krampus

While most of the Santa replacements here represent dual figures that both reward children for being good and punish them for being naughty – the German culture already had the reward box checked off with Christkind, so for Krampus they leaned in hard with the “punish” half, just like with Iceland and its Yule Cat. I feel like 20 years ago, the Krampus was a fairly obscure figure in American culture that no one had heard of. However, his popularity and notoriety has exploded in recent years, so explaining who the Krampus is seems almost kind of “duh, everyone knows.” Anyway… I suppose I have to. He’s furry. He’s horned. At advent markets around the holidays, there are often "Krampus Runs" where a bunch of them going around absolutely beating the shit out of people with birch sticks.  It's fun for everyone! Everyone except the people who get beat with birch sticks. Which is everyone. I know. I've been to a Krampus Run in Austria and absolutely left it with welts on my arms. So... I guess I was bad that year? 

1. Tió de Nadal

If you thought Spanish versions of Santa Claus were weird when you heard about the mountain giant Olentzero – well now you need to brace yourself for the Catalan region’s Tió de Nadal (roughly translating to “Christmas log”).  Yeah, you might THINK this is the Catalan version of the yule log or Christmas tree instead of being a version of Santa… and certainly you’d be partially right there. However, Tió de Nadal is no mere piece of wood. Tió de Nadal – like ol St. Nick – is also a gift giver. How? HOW? How can a log give gifts? Well, according to the people of Catalan… you dress it up, give it food and a blanket, place it near the fireplace to keep warm,  and then BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT WITH STICKS WHILE ORDERING IT TO DEFECATE GIFTS TO YOU. And yes – “defecate” is the correct translation there. Kids beat a wooden log until it shits out small gifts, often candy and sweets (e.g. things that can be quickly hidden in or around the log by the parents while they send the kids off to the other room to get there beating sticks, which I assume must be a regular accessory in Catalan homes). I mean… wow. Just… WOW. I wonder if in Barcelona there is a version of Mariah Carey who's top Christmas hit is “All I Want For Christmas (Is To Beat You With a Stick Until You Shit Candy).”