We all know what the Holiday season is all about: rampant commercialist and buying shit you don’t need. And what’s better than buying SUPER EXPENSIVE things that you probably don’t really need? Like a new car that will immediately lose half its value. They don’t even come close to saying the word “Christmas” in these annual car commercials / campaigns – and instead invent new winter holidays focused on the importance of buying cars. Which are, like, totally different than their President’s Day and Memorial Day and all other Holiday campaigns to get you to buy new cars.
9. Target’s “The Toycracker”
Okay, so this one is a relatively "new" one in the grand scheme of things. Remember a few years ago when ABC ran an 8-minute “special” several years ago featuring John Legend and Chrissy Teigan that was claiming to be a new, streamlined version of the Nutcracker? Yeah, that wasn’t exactly a heart-warming holiday special. It was a Target Commercial, disguised as a Holiday special. A Target commercial that featured toys that Target wanted to sell you like Barbie and Ninja Turtles. Fun, huh? Still, Crissy Teigan is a hot mess, so let's rank this here.
8. Coca-Cola’s “The Holidays are Coming”
I barely remember this one, and I don’t think it gets much play anymore. This features an armada of Coca-Cola trucks driving along the roads, lit up like… well… Christmas. I mean yeah, I guess if there are two things that really speak to little boys it’s trucks and high fructose corn syrup-based drinks.
7. Honey Nut Cheerios’ “Scrooge”
This is going back a bit, but I do remember it. Scrooge is being Scrooge. He doesn’t like anything. Bah humbug. What a dick. Then that bee shows up (Buzz or something? Don't ask me to research) and gives Scrooge Honey Nut Cheerios. Then all of a sudden Scrooge is all happy and loves the world and falls for dastardly socialist tricks like giving his child labor employees livingw wages. I mean I guess a bee giving Scrooge a bowl of cereal is a less extreme way to pursue turning a life around than haunting him with ghosts and showing him his own future grave.
6. Hershey's Kisses’ “Christmas Bells”
This one is fairly simple and straight forward. A bunch of Kisses (which are vaguely, but not really, bell-shaped) are arranged in a Christmas tree pattern and they gong out “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” It has been played at every Christmas every year since forever. I'm going to guess late 80s / early 90s. That sounds about right.
5. Budweiser’s Clydesdales
Though one of the original versions of this commercial from the 80s might be seen as “the” version, in actuality this is more like Honda Days / Toyotathon in that it is a series of commercials made over the years rather than one specific one. Horses pulling sleighs through winter landscapes and the snow, city streets, etc. Really makes you nostalgic to taste piss beer, right? I dunno about you, but whenever I see horse drawn carriages all I can think about is a) highwaymen robbing them, or b) Beef-a-Reeno horse farts.
4. Campbell's Soup’s “Snowman”
You remember this one, right? I think they still play it. A snowman comes into the house and begins to consume a piping hot bowl of Cambell’s Soup. He immediately starts melting. “OH NO!” you shout at the TV. “That fool of a snowman is going to DIE! He can’t eat warm soup! Doesn't he recognize that he is an ice-based lifeform that will perish?!” But then PLOT TWIST!!! Underneath the snowman is a growing young boy who just needed soupy nourishment. Soupy nourishment and 1,800 milligrams of sodium. The kid is probably grown up now and on Lisinopril.
3. Coca-Cola’s Polar Bears
The original COKE BEARS. Yeah, they are white bears that drink Coca-Cola. You might think that is bad for the bears. It will cause diabeetus and they will have life-long problems. That’s where you’re wrong. The polar ice caps will be gone waaaay before these polar bears die from sugar water diseases. In fact I don't think I've seen this cartoons recently. Maybe they've already drowned. RIP cartoon bears.
2. M&M's Double Faint
“He does exist! / They do exist!” Remember this one? Of course you do. They still run it every year. The only M&M commercial you might have seen more times than this is if you go to the movie frequently theatre and you have to watch that time bomb one.
1. White Diamonds perfume by Liz Taylor
Hear me out here. I know nothing shouts “Christmas” or “the Holidays” in this commercial. The commercial doesn’t actually address the Holiday season at all. It’s an artsy, black and white mini-film in soft focus, made in Acapulco, featuring a tropical climate, diamond jewelry, convertible cars, private aircraft landing on beaches, and a high-stakes poker game. In this poker game, a man doesn’t have enough money to call a bet, but Liz Taylor throws in one of her diamond earrings and says “this has always brought be good luck.” And what does all of this have to do with Christmas? Nothing. Sort of like high-stakes Mexican casino games have nothing to do with perfume either. But I’ll be damned if they did not used to play the hell out of this at Christmas time every year. Why? Because perfume is a super common Christmas gift / stocking stuffer that guys give to women when they have no idea what to give as a gift. Anyone who says “this isn’t a Christmas commercial” is wrong.
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