Ed Ranks Things Associated with Halloween

It's that time of year again, my peeps!

Oh, hi! This website made a list of "Things Associated with Halloween" in 2016, but the author didn't even bother to rank them. How lazy is that? Also, this is 47 things. You'd think they could have come up with three more to have 50. Oh well.

I will right what is wrong and do what must be done.

47. Candles - Until the advent of electrical lighting, candles were more associated with the ability to see anything at night. If you say, "same a holiday associated with candles," Halloween would probably be my fourth choice.

46. Banshee - Shriekin Irish mythological sharacters? This is a pretty obscure thing to associate with Halloween.

45. Parties - Lots of holidays have parties. Christmas being the most famous. You also have parties for birthdays and all sorts of other occasions. Are there Halloween parties? Of course. But not all parties are Halloween.

44. Magic Wands - Someone got this confused with a Harry Potter cosplay list.

43. Spell - See above.

42. Skull - Skull? Really. Just one skull?

41. Bones - "Skeleton" is also on the list, which is much more "haloween"-ey than "bones." I associate bones with things that dogs like to carry around, dinosaurs, etc.

OUCH!

40. Blood - More like "associated with hospitals" or "associated with John Wick films."

39. Fangs - Also asssssociated with ssssnakes. (LINK)

34 though 38. Cemeteries, Graves, Tombstones, Caskets, Corpses (five way tie) - These were all on the list, and are more like "things associated with death in general."

33. Evil - I guess if you say name a holiday associated with "evil," Halloween would be a good answer. But it's still nowhere near the top of things I'd say if you reverse it and ask for words associated with Halloween.

31/32. Spiders / Spiderwebs (tie) - These are part of an important ecosystem that keep insect populations down and should be appreciated 365 days of the year, not just once. Although admittedly, wearing little plastic spider rings on Halloween is cool.

30. Zombies - Now a days, Zombie TV shows and movies are being made all the time, so they've sort of lost their "only think about on Halloween" association.

29. Pranks - This would work better if it were "tricks."

28. Goblins - More likely to be associated with D&D, role playing games, and fantasy literature.

27. Monsters - I suppose.

26. Black - This is general, but yeah.

A rare picture that doesn't look like Klansmen.

25. Ghosts - Also associated with terrible hunting TV shows on cable.

24. Pumpkin Seeds - I mean... sort of. If you're really ambitious when carvinh up the ol' pumpkin, you can roast some pepitas.

23. Scythes - I wasn't expecting to see farming equipment on this list, but I won't totally disqualify this entry.

22. Cauldrons - Yeah, I get it. If you were just boiling things in a pot you'd call it a "pot." But on Halloween, you definately call it a cauldron.

21. Frankenstein - Also associated with 19th Century literature and post-humanism.

20. Mummies - Basically zombies but who got mixed up in a roll of toilet paper.

19. Grim Reaper - He's the one with the scythe.

18. The Devil - Eh, I suppose we can put ol' Satan right here.

17. Black Cats - You can have and love and care for a beautiful black cat any day of the year, but I won't lie and say I didn't use my black cat Lightning as a Halloween prop when I was a kid. She hated it.

16. Witchcraft - I might as well stick this next to black cats.

15. All Hallows - This one is sort of cheating since the "Hallow" in "Halloween" comes from the word "Hallows." It's sort of like having a list of things associated with tacos and writing "tacos" as an entry on it.

14. Tricks - Much better than "Pranks" above, but still incomplete on its own. This only turns into a Halloween thing when paired with "Treats" (see below).

13. Demons - I'm actually not quite sure what a demon is. Are they all evil? Can there be good demons? Are we using a Buffy the Vampire slayer definition or what?

12. Bats - Yeah, I won't lie and say bats aren't totally something I think of more on Halloween than other days.

Costumes, costumes galore.

11. Vampires - Speaking of bats and vampires, this is a quintessential costume. Why are "Pirates" not on this list?

10. Werewolves - Now this list is just turning into a "most common costumes" list.

9. Witches - See above. This is a fantastic costume.

8. Candy - Yes. Okay. There is definately Halloween candy. But Christmas, Easter and other holidays also feature candy. But Halloween is the king of candy holidays.

7. Skeletons - Yeah, this is the word I want to see. Not "Bones."

6. Haunted Houses - If you're visiting haunted houses at a time other than the fall, you're weird. Nobody goes to these in May.

5. Costumes - Sure. Let's place this here. I guess you can people can dress up in costumes whenever and there are movies that are "Costume dramas," but let's not pretend that the 5th most important thing about Halloween isn't dressing up. All those witch and vampire and mummy things above are really just sub-sets of this costume thing.

4. Orange - You're damn right this is associated with Halloween. Try to walk into a CVS after Labor Day and see anything other than orange.

This picture should make you feel October in your bones.

3. Pumpkins - Yep. Correct!

2. Jack-o'-lantern - EVEN BETTER! Although why are some of the things on this list singular, and others plural.

1. Trick or Treat

 This is 100% associated with Halloween. If you say this on a day that is not Oct 31, I think it's legal to shoot you.

Ed Ranks the Lambeth Articles

Calvanism.

The Lambeth Articles were a series of nine doctrinal statements drawn up by the Archbishop of Canterbury, John Whitgift, in 1595. They were created in order to define Calvinist doctrines related to predestination and justification. Why aren't they called the Whitgift articles if someone named Whitgift (not Lambeth) wrote them? Who fucking knows.

How about I rank them? That would be an interesting change of pace for this website, huh?

9. The number of the elect is unalterably fixed - I don't even know what the fuck this means. Is this English? Aren't people from Canerbury English? I think this means "God selected 36 people to be saved and everyone else burns" though.

8. The eternal election of some to life, and the reprobation of others to death - This is also meaningless. Is this religious philosophy or a madlibs?

7. The true faith of the elect never fails finally nor totally - I'm starting to think John Whitgift might have had a stroke before he wrote these.

6. The moving cause of predestination to life is not the foreknowledge of faith and good works, but only the good pleasure of God - I'm not sure if I quite understand this, but I think I get the gist. The gist that predestination is a fucking stupid religious belief system.

5. No man can come to the Son unless the Father shall draw him, but all men are not drawn by the Father - Nobody can come to Jesus unless God picks them to, but God doesn't pick all people, so everyone else is fucked. Got it.

4. Saving grace is not communicated to all men - How is this any different than what was said exactly above? At least this time Whitgift is a little more succinct.

3. Those who are not predestinated to life shall necessarily be damned for their sins - Haha, this one is funny because it's definite proof that he even knew he was saying the same thing over. This time he just pretended it was opposite day and said everything he said before in reverse. Instead of repeating that people who ARE predestined will be saved, he says people who AREN'T predestined will be damned. Ha ha?

2. It is not in every one's will and power to be saved - I'm starting to think that Whitgift only had about three articles, but his teacher assigned him to create nine, and so he just stretched and said the same thing multiple times in different ways. At least I believe this statement though. We can't save everyone. That's why using prisons to "reform" people doesn't always work. Some people just need to be ground up and fed to the other prisoners. That's what I believe in.

1. A true believer, or one furnished with justifying faith, has a full assurance and certainty of remission and everlasting salvation in Christ - This almost sounds like a valid religious philosophy that could make people actually show up to a church, rather than pessimistic, fatalistic, predestination nonsense that tells people that they're fucked long before their born so it doesn't even matter what they do. Which is a shit religious system, in case you weren't aware of my thoughts on predestination. Fucking Calvinists, man. I really need to talk about Halloween or something instead. Next time?

Ed Ranks Mystery! Shows on PBS

I can already hear the theme music playing in my head.

From 1980 until 2006, the U.S. Public Broadcasting System (PBS) ran a show called Mystery!  The basic purpose of it was simply to repackage British-produced murder mystery shows for American audiences, slightly repackaged with the Mystery! branding (even if the shows had no relation to one another during production) and with cryptic introductions by people like Vincent Price (1981 to 1988) and Diana "Emma Peel / Tracy Bond / Olenna Tyrell" Rigg (1989 to 2003). It also had super awesome and creepy introductions with animations of Edward Gorey Victorian murders. Eventually, Mystery! was cancelled as a standalone show, and merged into Masterpiece Theatre, becoming Masterpiece Mystery. Eh.

There were a bajillion shows aired between 1980 and 2006 (I won't count the shows done post-Masterpiece merger), so I can't rank all of them. But here are the top 10, ranked.

And an honorable mention to The Mrs Bradley Mysteries, which won't be ranked here but which starred Dianna Rigg in it. Which was weird because it was Dianna Rigg introducing a show starring Dianna Rigg. Also it had both Peter Davison and young David Tennant in it. Like a little mini Doctor Who part or something, before the latter was married to the former's daughter.

10. Dalgliesh - I never really liked the Dalgliesh show about contemporary Detective Chief Inspector Adam Dalgliesh, but you gotta admit it had some damn staying power more than a lot of the other shows on this bloc. The first season of Dalgliesh premeiered on Mystery! waaaaay back in the 1985-86 season, and it continued on with various series all the way unil 2005, some 20 years later. The most iconic of these were the original 10 or so series, which starred mistachioed Roy Marsden in the lead role. After Martin Shaw took over, it was shit. I'm just saying.

Glasses? What a nerd!

9. Campion - The Campion Mystery! series didn't last long (only two seasons between 89 and 90), but it was memorable for eight episodes featuring the aforementioned Peter Davison as Albert Campion, a young, glasses-wearing, secret British aristocrat using a false name and solving mysteries back in the 1920s/30s era. He also has a manservant named Magersfontein Lugg follow him around, which is pretty awesome and aristocratic. Even Watson was only Sherlock Holmes' buddy/partner, rather than manservant.

8. Maigret - Maigret was like Campion but was even more famous, lasting but two seasons and starring Michael Gambon (an iconic British actor once under consideration to be James Bond, although later mostly famous for the young whippersnappers as Albus Dumbledore) as pipe-smoking French detective Jules Maigret. Each of the 12 episodes covered a single book, but there were like 70+ books about Maigret, so Gambon could have really done a TON of these if he wanted to. French actor Bruno Cremer is probably the most famous player of Maigret, but this ranking isn't about French television, is it?

This old lady. Not the other ones.

7. Agatha Christie's Miss Marple - There have been 3 or 4 Miss Marple mystery shows in my own lifespan (a bit of a problem when the heroine of your story is an elderly woman solving mysteries... you cast an elderly actress and then she goes and dies), so you may be confused as to exactly which Miss Marple TV show this is. Another show about the same character also appeared on Mystery! later (although technically under the title Marple instead of Miss Marple) with Geraldine McEwan and Julia McKenzie playing the character. But I'm not talking about any of them. No, I'm talking about the 1984 to 1992 version of Miss Marple, starring Joan Hickson. That was the best one. Sorry other old white ladies.

6. Rumpole of the Bailey - This show was sort of like the second / court half of Law & Order episodes, only from before there even was a Law & Order. Also, it's British so everyone is wearing wigs like it's ye olde times. Why do they still wear wigs in British courts? It makes no sense. Anyway, the famous British actor Leo McKern  (Thomas Cromwell in A Man for All Seasons, Moriarty in The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother, One of the only repeat "Number Two"s in The Prisoner). Actually, it's a bit more like Perry Mason than L&O, because he's a defense attorney (or "barrister," I suppose). Unlike Perry Mason, his defendants weren't coincidentally always innocent.

About to out-act everyone else ever.

5. Cadfael - In this show, Sir Derek Fucking Jacobi (hells yeah! If I have to explain his filmography to you, you don't deserve to know who he is) plays Ellis Peters' medieval herbalist monk Brother Cadfael. Cadfael is a Welsh Benedictine monk who gets bored doing normal monk things and goes around solving mysteries in 12th Century England, around the time of "The Anarchy" civil war between throne claimants Stephen and Matilda. This show is great and I'd instantly watch it again if it were still being run. I'd say it should be remade or rebooted, but anyone who isn't Derek Jacobi would ruin it.

4. Inspector Morse - I was never a huge fan of Inspector Morse, but it lasted forever and was pretty damn popular. Rather than being a period piece, it was one of the "set in modern day" mysteries, much more like an American cop show than most of the others on this list. John Thaw stars as Chief Inspector Endeavour Morse (what a name!) and he's basically always accompanied by the modern Watson to his modern Holmes,  Kevin Whately as Sergeant Robbie Lewis. This show was on for a ton of seasons (basically until John Thaw was too old) and even after it's main star left, they milked the basic premise to create the spin-off detective shows Lewis (about Lewis, obviously), and Endeavour (a prequel about a young, handsome Inspector Morse back in the 60's). The show was pretty innovative in that the Inspector was not always right or perfect like other detectives, and he often fucked up and arrested the wrong person. REALISM! 

3. Prime Suspect - Hey! Speaking of modern-set cop shows rather than period pieces, you've probably heard of Prime Suspect, haven't you? It's the show that made me (and most Americans) familiar with the extremely MILF-ey Helen Mirren. Mirren plays Jane Tennison, a female Detective Chief Inspector in London's Metropolitan Police Service, who often has to deal with just as much trouble from her dickish, condescending male colleagues as she does with actual criminals. The show covered some pretty dark themes at times, like child sex crimes. You might also be aware of the show for the American attempt to remake it with with Mario Bello. That was obviously a bad idea.

"Eat yo fish. Get dat grey matter" - Agatha Christie.

2. Agatha Christie's Poirot - Every other decade or so, they remake Murder on the Orient Express, the most famous mystery story about Belgian detective Hercule Poirot. The latest to play him has been Kenneth Branagh, but he's also been played by notable names like Charles Laughton, Tony Randall (don't ask, this was obviously the most terrible), Albert Finney, and Peter Ustinov (who played him six times, shockingly none of them an Orient Express adaptation). But have no doubt about it, David Suchet who played Poirot in Agatha Christie's Poirot IS POIROT. This was on from 1989 to 2013 (yes, 2013!), featuring 13 seasons and 70 episodes/movies. The show adapted every single story about Poirot that Agatha Christie wrote, and Suchet owned it.

1. Sherlock Holmes 

CLUES!!!!

Unlike Poirot, filmmakers don't bother to wait a decade to re-tell Sherlock Holmes stories over and over again. They are basically knocking out Sherlock TV and film adaptions all the time. In just the last handfull of years, you've likely been exposed to various versions of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous detective played by Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Downey Jr., Jonny Lee Miller, Ian McKellen, and yes, even Will Ferrell. Over the years, he's also been played by guys like Basil Rathbone, Christopher Plummer, Roger Moore, Peter O'Toole, Peter Cushing, Charlton Heston, Christopher Lee, James D'Arcy, Jonathan Pryce, Michael Caine, and so on. But just like David Suchet IS Poirot, Granada TV's Sherlock Holmes's actor Jeremy Brett IS Sherlock Holmes. No question. This show aired from 1984 until 1994, under various different names for the different seasons (including The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Return of Sherlock Holmes, The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes, The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes, and 5 feature-length specials, based on some of the longer Doyle novels instead of the usual Holmes short stories). Brett was joined by David Burke as the initial Watson, who was replaced by Edward Hardwicke after the second season. It also featured Charles Gray (Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever) as Mycroft Holmes. In the end, the Grenada Sherlock Holmes series featured on Mystery! adapted 41 Sherlock Holmes stories, making Brett the most prolific actor. But Brett has more than just quantity going for him - as his depiction is almost universally considered as the quintessential version of the Doyle's character.  Alas, Brett suddenly died in 1995, aged 61, which left 19 of the Doyle stories adapted. If you compare any adaption of a Sherlock story to the Jeremy Brett version of the same story, it's not even close.  Plus unlike the Benedict Cumberbatch version you can actually understand what the fuck is going on because the show isn't being too smugly clever to follow.

Ed Ranks Baseball Players Elected to the Hall of Fame in 1979

1. Willie Mays - Well, that was an easy ranking.

Ed Ranks Doctor Whos by Outfit

This one should be simple, right? No Peter Cushing Doctor, obviously. He totally doesn't count. 

14. Sixth Doctor / Colin Baker

Ugh. Just Ugh. I think nobody can disagree with the ranking of this technicolor monstrosity, right? 

13. Twelfth Doctor / Peter Capaldi

I love Capaldi as an actor. But his character got mostly terrible scripts and an outfit that was just derivative of the Third Doctor. They never really knew what to do with his outfit, and it kept being mixed up a little. I mean Doc Martens is not enough to really wow anyone. Besides, the Cybermen wore them first.

12. The War Doctor / John Hurt

All things considered, this outfit is cooler than the 9th Doctor's leather jacket outfit. Why am I ranking it this low then? Because, as with Capaldi, it's just a bit derivative. It's a cool, rugged old Indiana Jones space hero outfit and everything, but other than having a satchel strung around his jacket, doesn't bring much more to the table than Eccleston did a decade before him.

 

11. Second Doctor / Patrick Troughton

Maybe the people who wiped all of his episodes just felt that people didn't want to see his hobo / Charlie Chaplin outfit. In his case, bow ties were only sort of cool. 

10. Seventh Doctor / Sylvester McCoy

Yes, this was a bit busy too, and solidly from the era of the Doctor having question-mark laden "costumes." But compared to the Sixth Doctor, this was a breath of fresh air. I mean the question mark umbrella and sweater vest weren't subtle at all. But at least the overall tan/khaki color scheme and panama hat aren't aggressively offensive. 

9. Thirteenth Doctor / Jodie Whitaker

The Thirteenth Doctor's outfit is just fine. Nothing to write home about, but nothing to insult either. It cosplays just fine and is distinctive enough to stand out as a "costume." If anything, its greys and blues are slightly on the boring side, and more could have been done with it.  The t-shirt is fine but maybe her stitch should have been wearing different, logo t-shirts all the time under the rest of the outfit. Imagine all the inside jokes they could have worked in with her t-shirt wearing. Sure, she could wear some standard stuff like a NASA shirt, but she could also wear rock concert shirts and come up with little stories about how she actually got them from the concert back in 68'. Throw in a "I Went to Metebelis III and All I Got was this Stupid Crystal" shirt. You know. Deep fan wank stuff.

8. Eighth Doctor / Paul McGann

This guy only appeared in Doctor Who twice (unless we start talking about the audios and expanded media stuff, of questionable canon), and each time he had a different outfit. The Old West / Wild Bill getup from the Fox TV movie was a nice change from the overbearing era of colorful question marks, but was still a bit strange. However, when he appears again in "The Night of the Doctor," his new, rugged, "I've been at war with Daleks for 20 years and don't have time to stylishly tie my cravat" look is SUPER AWESOME. So I guess the two balance themselves out and place him right about here. 

7. Third Doctor / Jon Pertwee

There is a cult around the Third Doctor that I sort of get, but I'm not part of it. I guess he's sort of an older, stylish, fop version of James Bond. But I just can't handle all the frills and velvet jackets, man. He's like a pirate Hugh Hefner or something. The 70's were weird. 

6. Ninth Doctor / Christopher Eccleston

 

Since Doctor Who had been off the air between 1989 and 2005 (save the Paul McGann movie), the return of the Doctor long awaited and what the new Doctor would wear was a huge issue. After years of insane fucking outfits, they finally went with "Oh, this guy is just a normal fucking dude who wears a beat up leather jacket" and all was right in the world. Refreshing. Not a fucking cat pin, antiquated tie style, or question mark to be seen anywhere.  

5. Tenth Doctor / David Tennant

All all honesty, Tennant's costume was super lazy. He was basically just wearing a pinstriped business suit, with his tie a little loose and wearing Chuck Taylors instead of dress shoes. For an "outfit," this is basically just a guy going to work and changing his shoes when he gets into the office. Yet I'll be damned if it didn't totally work and become iconic. 

4. First Doctor / William Hartnell

I'm not even sure this was really an "outfit." It was just an old guy wearing some outdated, old school Edwardian clothes. Was the idea supposed to be that he had recently traveled to the early 20th Century just before getting stuck in the 1960s? Or did they just figure since he was a dottering old man that he'd wear crazy old clothes. I'm not sure why they decided to give him this look, but it really stood out. Especially when he wore the AKarakul hat. The pants... are... problematic... though.

3. Eleventh Doctor / Matt Smith

Bow ties and fedoras are cool. And who though something as simple as a tweed jacket would work so well and stand out? Instantly recognizable outfit. 

2. Fifth Doctor / Peter Davison

What the hell is more English than wearing a cricket outfit in space for no reason? And placing a sprig of celery on your lapel? HIGH FASHION! 

1. Fourth Doctor / Tom Baker

It's all about an insanely long scarf, people. Nobody is ever  going to beat this.

Ed Ranks Things He Was Doing While Not Uploading Ed Ranks Everything Rankings

Yeah, I've been inactive for a while. It happens. Here are the ten top the reasons I haven't been uploading Ed Ranks Everything rankings in a while, ranked!

Ah, cooking.

10. Making Dinner - I suppose there were a couple of chunks of time I could have used to write new rankings, but I was instead making dinner. Fresh homemade meals are important and healthy! Well, not the meals I usually cook - which are full of cheese and always paired with beer. Still though, it's the principle of the thing that counts.

9. Too Busy Also Not Uploading A Jingle of Ice and Fire Posts - This is a blog that went inactive a few months ago, despite the fact that I really only have a handful of chapters to write before I'm done with all of the books which have been released. I'll get around to it sometime. Maybe this random chapter about Jaime Lannister meeting Jonos Bracken is just REALLY interesting though, and I want everyone to have a change to read it before I post the next chapter.

8. Too Busy Also Not Uploading Beer and Pork Belly Posts - Really, this is my wife's blog, and I just help her with it. So you should blame her for that one. We have a post written and everything. She's just too lazy to upload pictures. Now that's lazy!

7. Social Events - I hate interacting with other human beings and am always miserable when doing so. Which is why I like to sit at my computer and write stupid things. As of late though, I've been engaging in social interaction with other humans and it's, quite frankly, awful. Again, I'm going to blame my wife for this one.

6. Crippling Depression - This is a problem, I suppose.

You call that a knife? Etc. etc.

5. Trip to Australia - A few weeks ago I flew to Australia for some meetings. It takes FOREVER to get to Australia. There was a 17-hour flight from Houston to Sydney along the way. Do you know how long a 17-hour flight is? Of course you do, it's 17-hours. Stupid question. I'll rephrase. Do you know how long a 17-hour flight FEELS? It feels like forever. I'm super glad I have status with United Airlines and had an "Economy Plus" seat. Because if I had a regular seat I might have died. Anyway, there are kangaroos in the hills near Canberra, if that's the sort of thing which interests you. I saw rabbits too, but that's less interesting since they have those everywhere.

4. Work - 8 hours of every day needs to be dedicated to performing a job so that I can be paid in order to myself pay bills. Which seems like a pretty inefficient system for which an economy to be based, considering all jobs will be going away soon as people are being replaced by robots. Still, it has to be done (supposedly), and add those eight hours up with sleeping hours and there isn't much time left to write mundane bullshit.

3. Playing with My Cats - I'm doing this a lot too. My cats are Lenny and Squiggy. I didn't name them. They are awesome though. Especially Squiggy. Sorry Lenny.

2. Laziness - Yep, basic laziness is one of the primary driving factors as to why you may not have seen a ranking in a while. I am a very lazy person.

1. Moving - So I moved last week. Holy crap that's time consuming. Moving things out of the old house. Cleaning. Moving things into the new house. Buying new furniture. Figuring out where things go. Changing your mind and deciding to place things in new places. I think most stuff is in place now, but there is a ton of stuff which still needs to be done. What a pain.