Ed Ranks the Lambeth Articles

Calvanism.

The Lambeth Articles were a series of nine doctrinal statements drawn up by the Archbishop of Canterbury, John Whitgift, in 1595. They were created in order to define Calvinist doctrines related to predestination and justification. Why aren't they called the Whitgift articles if someone named Whitgift (not Lambeth) wrote them? Who fucking knows.

How about I rank them? That would be an interesting change of pace for this website, huh?

9. The number of the elect is unalterably fixed - I don't even know what the fuck this means. Is this English? Aren't people from Canerbury English? I think this means "God selected 36 people to be saved and everyone else burns" though.

8. The eternal election of some to life, and the reprobation of others to death - This is also meaningless. Is this religious philosophy or a madlibs?

7. The true faith of the elect never fails finally nor totally - I'm starting to think John Whitgift might have had a stroke before he wrote these.

6. The moving cause of predestination to life is not the foreknowledge of faith and good works, but only the good pleasure of God - I'm not sure if I quite understand this, but I think I get the gist. The gist that predestination is a fucking stupid religious belief system.

5. No man can come to the Son unless the Father shall draw him, but all men are not drawn by the Father - Nobody can come to Jesus unless God picks them to, but God doesn't pick all people, so everyone else is fucked. Got it.

4. Saving grace is not communicated to all men - How is this any different than what was said exactly above? At least this time Whitgift is a little more succinct.

3. Those who are not predestinated to life shall necessarily be damned for their sins - Haha, this one is funny because it's definite proof that he even knew he was saying the same thing over. This time he just pretended it was opposite day and said everything he said before in reverse. Instead of repeating that people who ARE predestined will be saved, he says people who AREN'T predestined will be damned. Ha ha?

2. It is not in every one's will and power to be saved - I'm starting to think that Whitgift only had about three articles, but his teacher assigned him to create nine, and so he just stretched and said the same thing multiple times in different ways. At least I believe this statement though. We can't save everyone. That's why using prisons to "reform" people doesn't always work. Some people just need to be ground up and fed to the other prisoners. That's what I believe in.

1. A true believer, or one furnished with justifying faith, has a full assurance and certainty of remission and everlasting salvation in Christ - This almost sounds like a valid religious philosophy that could make people actually show up to a church, rather than pessimistic, fatalistic, predestination nonsense that tells people that they're fucked long before their born so it doesn't even matter what they do. Which is a shit religious system, in case you weren't aware of my thoughts on predestination. Fucking Calvinists, man. I really need to talk about Halloween or something instead. Next time?