Ed Ranks Weird-Ass New Year Celebrations

It wasn’t that long ago that I ranked alternatives to Santa Claus. Now here comes a similar ranking! New Year’s Eve / Day Celebrations! Watching the ball drop in Time Square? Toasting with some glasses of champagne? None of those things will make this ranking.I’m talking about weird-ass stuff. 

I know that’s subjective. I know one might say, “Ed, it’s offensive to other cultures to call their traditions ‘weird’.” My response to that is… uhh… okay, sorry or something? I’m still doing it. 

10.  Eat 12 Grapes (Spain) 

Yep. You eat a grape for every chime of the clock at midnight on New Year's Day. I guess every grape is supposed to be one month of good luck or something? So it’s a good thing there are the same number of hours on a clockface as there are months in a year or this whole thing wouldn’t work out.  I guess it’s not that much different than Americans drinking champagne, right? I mean we essentially do the same, but the grapes are in liquid form. So really not that weird at all. Barely weird. Practically normal. Not at all dangerous or psychopathic like some of the things we’ll see later on this ranking. I’ve also heard that Italians eat 12 spoonful of lentils in a similar way, but I’m not ranking that because the grape thing is much more famous. 

9. Carrying an Empty Suitcase Around the Block (Latin America) 

Some websites specifically attribute this to Mexico, although it’s common enough in other Latin American countries. Take an empty suitcase. Run around the block with it. You’ll be blessed with a new year full of travel and new experiences. I’ve actually done this before. Although depending on the size of the block you live on, this could be a pretty big task. And what if you live way out in the suburbs where there aren’t blocks? I sort of feel bad for calling this weird. I mean it’s no more weird than wearing a St. Christopher necklace which is sort of the same thing for travel luck and if you actually look up the St. Christopher story that’s arguably a LOT more weird than an empty suitcase. 

8. Watching a Socially Critical Soviet-Era Screwball Romantic Comedy (Russia) 

On New Years Eve, it’s a tradition in Russia and former Soviet states to watch “The Irony of Fate,” a 1976 TV film that is best described as a  wacky romcom with a happy ending, but which also contains fairly cutting criticism of the soulless uniformity of the Brezhnev-era urban landscape, especially drab Soviet architecture. Being critical of the state wasn’t exactly a super common thing in the Soviet era, so how they got away with doing this and not being executed is pretty interesting. It was apparently popular enough in 1976 so that it eventually became a tradition and people still watch it on New Years Eve. How… charming? Hope they get a moment of joy watching this before returning to their modern repressed kleptocracy hellscape.

7. Jumping off a Chair (Denmark) 

This one is fairly simple. Get on a chair (or I suppose a couch or other furniture is allowed), and then jump off of it at midnight. Okay, Danes. Whatever. I guess that makes EVERY year for you a LEAP YEAR, huh? HUH? HUH? GET IT? Ahahaha-HAHAHA…ahhhh… I’m so disgusted with myself right now. 

6. Wearing White and Jumping into the Sea (Brazil, with West African origins) 

Okay, wearing white isn’t that crazy. In fact, it’s quite common throughout Africa. So common that it’s unranked here. It’s not even weird. But the legacy of the Transatlantic slave trade also brought many African traditions to the Americas, where those traditions… erm… evolved over time. So many Brazilians, many of whom have African origins, still wear white for New Year's Day. Cool. Not weird at all. Oh, and they also sometimes make little offerings into the ocean (like white flowers) to Lemanjá, a sea goddess that is descended from the Yorba Religion’s “Yemọja,” a water spirit. Okay, getting a little “sacrifice-ey” here with the offerings to the ancient sea goddess. But still not too crazy, right? I mean it’s not like in Brazil they also offer themselves to the sea (symbolically) by throwing themselves into the water, right? Right? Right? Ohhhhh… they dooooooo. Hrm. Fair enough. I guess I can count that as “weird.” To be fair, this has gone on in Brazil long enough that most people don't recognize it's origins and think they're just going out and hitting a few waves (often 7) for good luck. But yeah... pagan water goddess sacrifice origins. 

5. Wearing Polka Dots and Eating Round Fruits (The Phillipines) 

There are entire articles out there like “13 Quirky Filipino New Years Traditions,” so this is a culture that does a lot of weird stuff for the New Year. I’m focusing on two of them year – wearing polka dots and eating only round fruit. Bananas? Absolutely not. Mangoes? NO! That’s oblong! Try again! I suppose round fruits and polka dots are both circles… so I’m just guessing that maybe the connection between circular things and the New Year is like  the circle of life or something like that? The circular orbit around the sun? Although wait... technically that’s oblong too. So you know what? Mangoes should be allowed. 

4. House Cleaning (Scotland and Japan) 

Wow, this one sucks. What do Japan and Scotland have in common other than Whisky? Well, Scotland has “redding the house” and Japan has “Osouji” – a “big cleaning.” Both of these involve cleaning the house. What sort of terrible people decided that New Years should be celebrated with CHORES?  Come on, Scotland. Wasn’t singing Auld Lang Syne enough? No need to bring mops and brooms into this. Let people have a day off. 

3. Find the Man with Many Noses (Spain) 

Remember how Spain had the #1 crazy-ass alternative to Santa Claus with the Catalan region’s “Tió de Nadal” (aka the log that you dress up and beat with sticks until it shits out candy)? Well, Catalonia doesn’t think that this weird-ass Christmas tradition is enough because just a week later they have a weird-ass New Year’s tradition – the  L’home dels nassos, or “the man with many noses.” This is a mysterious man who begins the year with 365 noses on his face, and he sheds one every day until the last day of the year, when he only has one nose left. Yet, ironically,  this is the day that children are sent out to go look for him. Despite the fact that LITERALLY ANY OTHER DAY would be a better day to find him, since he only has one nose this day and looks exactly like everyone else. God, parents are such dicks to their children in Catalonia. 

2. Throwing Shit Out Windows (South Africa… and maybe also Southern Italy) 

You’ll find lots of articles about this South African “tradition,” though about half of them claim that the tradition is throwing old appliances out of windows (like fridges) and the other half talk about throwing out old furniture. Either way, South Africans seem to be all about defenestration. Wait. Is defenestration only people? Okay, not defenestration then. Just things. They throw things out windows. Which seems SUPER dangerous. You thought drunk drivers in the US were bad? Imagine just getting murdered by a falling fridge walking on a street in Johannesburg like it’s some sort of Looney Tunes short. Oh, there are also a couple of articles that says this is common in southern Italy too. Might as well also name this the tradition of negligent manslaughter. 

1. The Burning of the Años Viejos (Ecuador) 

Nothing says “Happy New Year!” quite like creating life-size effigies of people and throwing them into a pyre to BURN.  Yep, you spend your day with your friends. Maybe have a nice pork cookout or something. Then head to the town square to set giant dolls representing the old year aflame. I could see this being appropriate for a particularly shitty year. Which Ecuador I guess must have a lot of to make this a tradition. Well, here's to 2022. May it be tranformed into a puppet and burned like like the filthy witch it was. 

Ed Ranks Boxers on Boxing Day (with No Context!)

What's that you say? Boxing Day has nothing at all to do with professional boxing? Too bad. Here are the greatest boxers of all time, ranked and with absolutely no context to explain my rankings. 

Come on, it's the holidays. I need a break. 

10. Julio César Chávez

9. Joe Frazier

8.Floyd Mayweather Jr

7. Roy Jones Jr.

6. Sugar Ray Leonard

5. Mike Tyson

4. Rocky Marciano

3. Sugar Ray Robinson

2. Joe Louis

1. Muhammad Ali

Ed Ranks Holiday Season Destinations (that He’s Been To)

Is this entry going to be bit of a “Ed Humblebrags” post where I talk about all the travel I’ve been on?  Yes. Yes, it is. Note that for “Holiday Season,” the timeframe I’m going to go with is Thankgiving-ish to New Years-ish.  And while Christmas is often associated with visiting the family – to me that’s always been a Thanksgiving thing. And who wants to hang out with their family two months in a row, right? Yuck. Therefore, I’ve travelled a lot more in December than November – frequently daring the packed airports. 

Here are the places I’ve been, ranked not necessarily in order of how much I overall enjoyed the cities in general – but in terms of how Holiday-ey they felt as a “Holiday Season Destination.”  

17. Shanghai

Technically this was a work trip I took to Shanghai in December 2010, so I wasn’t really going there for “Holiday Season” purposes. But to be fair, I travel for work – so a handful of these trips were actually work trips.  What do I remember Christmas-ey or Holiday-ey about Shangahi, China? Nothing. I don’t remember a single Christmas tree decoration. I do remember “Colonel’s Fried Chicken” and other copywrite-violative stores on the streets. This trip could have been in July and there would have been no difference. 

16. Abu Dhabi  

Another work trip. I mean there is no real reason for a Muslim country to get too much into the Christmas spirit – but I do recall my hotel’s lobby at least having a Christmas tree up in it in December 2022. Which is more than can be said for Shanghai. 

15. Buenos Aires

I was around Buenos Aires in December 2018 and I do recall a few Christmas decorations on the streets, especially around that big obelisk thing that sort of looks like the Washington Monument. Still, beyond that I don’t really recall any major “Christmas vibes” from this trip. 

14. Philadelphia 

To be clear, “visiting family” doesn’t count as a “Holiday Season Destination.” I’ve visited extended family / in-laws in Philly a lot of years around Thanksgiving, but this isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the one time I went to Philadelphia around November/December back in 2009. I know this place is famous for having the oldest Thanksgiving Parade in the US (older than Macy’s in New York) – but other than that… meh. Can’t say anything makes Philly a top Holiday Destination. 

13. Valetta, Malta 

No offense to Valetta or the nation of Malta – I loved it here and this was a great trip I took in December 2017. And I do recall some pretty Christmas decorations lining the streets of Valetta. But again, when I think back on this trip I don’t think much about it being a “Holiday Season” trip. I do, however, think A LOT about drinking until I was shitfaced at “The Pub” (the same Pub where Oliver Reed died filming “Gladiator”) and going on a Game of Thrones filming tour around the island the next day while absolutely hungover. 

12. Seattle 

Around Christmas/New Years 2015 (turning into 2016) I’ve visited Seattle. It was a good trip. Did the Space Needle on New Years Eve and saw the last sunset of the year from atop it. Then I missed the fireworks because of a fairly late dinner reservation, followed by being unable to navigate to the waterfront in time to get a view of them. Like Malta, a fun trip where I did a lot of fun things – but none of it felt too “Holiday Season” focused, and I feel like this trip would have been about he same any time of year I visited it. 

11. Bangkok 

This was intentionally an anti-Christmas trip I took on Christmas. I went to a warm, topical destination and hung out at a luxury hotel eating the most amazing mangoes I’ve ever had in my life for breakfast every morning. I went to temples and took daytrips to ruins. I literally cannot remember anything Christmas-ey at all about this trip, but since I was purposefully taking it as an anti-Christmas trip on Christmas, I suppose it’s ironically a great Christmas trip? I dunno. 

10. Hong Kong (and Macau) 

This was in December 2010 – the same month and year I went to Shanghai. Yet it was interestingly enough a completely different trip. Flew out to China for work, flew back home, then like two weeks later flew again to Hong Kong, which at the time was still China Lite with little bits of democracy and freedom in it. Hong Kong ain’t like this anymore, that’s for sure. Unlike Shanghai though, I do remember some Christmas decorations, as the legacy of it being a UK territory was still lingering at the time. Like Bangkok, sort of an anti-Christmas trip to get away from traditional Christmas stuff, but surprisingly a little more Christmas-ey than I had imagined because I do remember jazzed-up Christmas lights on the sides of buildings, and hotel lobbies with pretty displays. 

9. Honolulu 

If I recall right, this was a little closer to Thanksgiving than Christmas in 2011, but still Holiday time. There is something cool about the tropical version of Holiday season decorations with Santa riding a surfboard rather than flying around in the snow. Still, eating at a Japanese BBQ for Thanksgiving instead of having Turkey? Highly recommend. 

8. Brussels 

I’ve been to Brussels a million times for work, and I think twice (2008, 2011) were around Christmas. It actually might have been more and I’ve lost count, but let’s go with those. Yes, they put up a good holiday display and a tree in the Grande Place, but the real reason Brussels is a nice little Christmas city is all the Christmas beer that Belgium has. Belgium is an ale country, and all the nice spiced ales are wonderful. Basically, that’s all I need to confirm this as a fairly cool Holiday destination. 

7. Chicago 

I’ve actually been to Chicago around Christmastime twice – in 2009 and in 2021. I really enjoy the Second City and it’s certainly a city that puts up large Christmas displays. It also feels like a good place to visit during cold weather times. But man was it cold here the first time I went. Like VERY, VERY cold. Super cold. Cold I would never feel again in my life until… well… I guess we can talk about that a little more later.  Still, I think I’d rather go to Chicago during St. Patrick’s day and re-create scenes from The Fugutive. Not that I didn’t do that when I was there for Christmas. Because I did. Nothing like going to the Hilton, finding the ballroom, and re-creating that “All so that RDU-90 could be approved and Devlin McGregor could give you... Provasic!” scene. 

6. New Orleans 

I went to the Big Easy in Christmas 2014 and then again for Thanksgiving 2015. If I remember right, it was all based on an initial Google search of “top cities to go to for Christmas.” It was a good choice because New Orleans is typically a humid armpit, but at least over the winter it’s mild and pleasant. And as a fairly Catholic city, NOLA fit the bill pretty well. There were Christmas-decorated old houses that you could visit, the famous cocktail bars were all dressed up. My one complaint might be that it’s so Catholic a city that on Christmas Day itself basically everything is closed. Which I suppose might be common in a lot of cities but still… sort of sucks that you’re there on Christmas Day and can basically do… nothing. All the other days around it though? Solid. 

5. London

Last year I took a Christmas-to-New Years trip to London. This is one of my favorite cities, and of course London is famous for shopping and it many of those famous shopping streets were decorated for the Holidays (I actually did a Christmas lights tour too atop a double decker bus). But I suppose the highlight of this “Holiday” season trip was more New Years than Christmas, as I stayed to watch the fireworks shooting out from the Lonon Deye over the Thames which were AMAZING. Great trip, lots of Christmas markets in many of the famous squares and parks, and it definitely felt like the Holiday season when I was there. 

4. Berlin 

I said that I considered the “Holiday Season” to begin Thankgiving-ish (stress on the -ISH) because this trip I actually took in early-to-mid November 2011. Despite that, the Christmas markets were already open. Is Germany a fantastic place to visit during the holiday season with Christmas markets? Yes, it absolutely is. I do have very vivid memories of the Christmas Market at Potsdamer Platz (technically “Winter World,” I believe) that had a big snow slide, snacks, mulled wine, and handmade crafts. Again a work trip, but I was pleasantly surprised about how much it already felt like the Holiday season… a little early. 

3. New York City 

I’ve been here once on a work trip coincidentally during mid-December, and then another time on a holiday trip specially to be there at Christmastime. And what’s not to love? The Macys windows and all the window displays along 5th Avenue. The skating rink by Rockefeller Plaza. NYC is TOTALLY a great Christmas destination. If you can afford the hotels in Manhattan that are fairly damn pricy at normal times, let alone Christmas. 

2. Quebec City 

When I was talking about Chicago, I mentioned the cold. But Chicago cold has nothing on Quebec City cold. Like New Orleans, it came up on a list of “great cities to visit for Christmas.” Like New Orleans, the list was correct and this WAS a great city to visit for Christmas. Like New Orleans, it is a very Catholic city and therefore basically everything on Christmas Day itself was closed so there was little to do on that day. But unlike the Big Easy, Quebec City was cold cold cold cold. Unbelievable cold. I’ve once been to Mongolia in February and while Quebec City wasn’t THAT cold, it was close. Still, if you want to feel like you’re actually visiting Santa at the North Pole… well… Quebec has that vibe. And the Christmas decorations… the Christmas markets… the special Christmas activities and toboggan races (outside the gorgeous Fairmont Le Château Frontenac hotel) , etc… all amazing. But whatever winter wardrobe you think might be appropriate to wear… it’s not enough. This is literally “your phone will stop working” cold.  This truly was a Winter Wonderland. 

1. Munich / Saltzburg / Vienna

Is it sort of cheating or unfair to lump all three of these amazing Austro-Germanic cities together as one ranking? Maybe. It is also lazy! However, in 2016 I went on a three-city trip to these three places at the end of November and beginning of December and it was incredible. Everything I said about Christmas markets under the Berlin entry apply here times ten. All the cities were amazing and incredible to visit during Christmas, and I highly recommend. I was also there for the Krampus run night (remember in the alternatives to Santa Claus ranking where I talked about them beating you with sticks? Yep…  this is from that trip). Christmas markets. Decorations. Food. Drinks. Snow. There was even a quick day trip to Hallstatt on this trip, which sort of looks like a fake Christmas card painting in December… but it was REAL and I saw it with my own eyes. 

Ed Ranks Holiday Commercials

10. Happy Honda Days / Toyotathon

We all know what the Holiday season is all about: rampant commercialist and buying shit you don’t need. And what’s better than buying SUPER EXPENSIVE things that you probably don’t really need? Like a new car that will immediately lose half its value. They don’t even come close to saying the word “Christmas” in these annual car commercials / campaigns – and instead invent new winter holidays focused on the importance of buying cars. Which are, like, totally different than their President’s Day and Memorial Day and all other Holiday campaigns to get you to buy new cars.

9. Target’s “The Toycracker” 

Okay, so this one is a relatively "new" one in the grand scheme of things. Remember a few years ago when ABC ran an 8-minute “special” several years ago featuring John Legend and Chrissy Teigan that was claiming to be a new, streamlined version of the Nutcracker? Yeah, that wasn’t exactly a heart-warming holiday special. It was a Target Commercial, disguised as a Holiday special. A Target commercial that featured toys that Target wanted to sell you like Barbie and Ninja Turtles. Fun, huh? Still, Crissy Teigan is a hot mess, so let's rank this here. 

8. Coca-Cola’s “The Holidays are Coming” 

I barely remember this one, and I don’t think it gets much play anymore. This features an armada of Coca-Cola trucks driving along the roads, lit up like… well… Christmas. I mean yeah, I guess if there are two things that really speak to little boys it’s trucks and high fructose corn syrup-based drinks.

7. Honey Nut Cheerios’ “Scrooge” 

This is going back a bit, but I do remember it. Scrooge is being Scrooge. He doesn’t like anything. Bah humbug. What a dick. Then that bee shows up (Buzz or something? Don't ask me to research) and gives Scrooge Honey Nut Cheerios. Then all of a sudden Scrooge is all happy and loves the world and falls for dastardly socialist tricks like giving his child labor employees livingw wages. I mean I guess a bee giving Scrooge a bowl of cereal is a less extreme way to pursue turning a life around than haunting him with ghosts and showing him his own future grave.

6.  Hershey's Kisses’ “Christmas Bells”

This one is fairly simple and straight forward. A bunch of Kisses (which are vaguely, but not really, bell-shaped) are arranged in a Christmas tree pattern and they gong out “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” It has been played at every Christmas every year since forever. I'm going to guess late 80s / early 90s. That sounds about right. 

5. Budweiser’s Clydesdales

Though one of the original versions of this commercial from the 80s might be seen as “the” version, in actuality this is more like Honda Days / Toyotathon in that it is a series of commercials made over the years rather than one specific one. Horses pulling sleighs through winter landscapes and the snow, city streets, etc. Really makes you nostalgic to taste piss beer, right? I dunno about you, but whenever I see horse drawn carriages all I can think about is a) highwaymen robbing them, or b) Beef-a-Reeno horse farts. 

4. Campbell's Soup’s “Snowman” 

You remember this one, right? I think they still play it. A snowman comes into the house and begins to consume a piping hot bowl of Cambell’s Soup. He immediately starts melting. “OH NO!” you shout at the TV. “That fool of a snowman is going to DIE! He can’t eat warm soup! Doesn't he recognize that he is an ice-based lifeform that will perish?!” But then PLOT TWIST!!! Underneath the snowman is a growing young boy who just needed soupy nourishment. Soupy nourishment and 1,800 milligrams of sodium. The kid is probably grown up now and on Lisinopril. 

3. Coca-Cola’s Polar Bears 

The original COKE BEARS. Yeah, they are white bears that drink Coca-Cola. You might think that is bad for the bears. It will cause diabeetus and they will have life-long problems. That’s where you’re wrong. The polar ice caps will be gone waaaay before these polar bears die from sugar water diseases. In fact I don't think I've seen this cartoons recently. Maybe they've already drowned. RIP cartoon bears. 

2. M&M's Double Faint 

“He does exist! / They do exist!” Remember this one? Of course you do. They still run it every year. The only M&M commercial you might have seen more times than this is if you go to the movie frequently theatre and you have to watch that time bomb one. 

1. White Diamonds perfume by Liz Taylor

Hear me out here. I know nothing shouts “Christmas” or “the Holidays” in this commercial. The commercial doesn’t actually address the Holiday season at all. It’s an artsy, black and white mini-film in soft focus, made in Acapulco, featuring a tropical climate, diamond jewelry, convertible cars, private aircraft landing on beaches, and a high-stakes poker game. In this poker game, a man doesn’t have enough money to call a bet, but Liz Taylor throws in one of her diamond earrings and says “this has always brought be good luck.” And what does all of this have to do with Christmas? Nothing. Sort of like high-stakes Mexican casino games have nothing to do with perfume either. But I’ll be damned if they did not used to play the hell out of this at Christmas time every year. Why? Because perfume is a super common Christmas gift / stocking stuffer that guys give to women when they have no idea what to give as a gift. Anyone who says “this isn’t a Christmas commercial” is wrong.

Ed Ranks Alternatives to Santa Claus

Santa. You’ve heard of him. Big fat guy with a beard. Red suit. Flying reindeer. But he’s not the only mythical figure associated with Christmas / the Holiday Season to perform a “gift giver” function. How about I rank some of the others? Oh yeah… also, don’t expect “Saint Nicholas,” “Father Christmas,” “Père Noël” or “Sinterklaas” to be ranked separately just because they are technically slight twists or older versions of the very Americanized “Santa Claus.” Those are basically all the same dude.  We need something a little different – but still meets some important criteria like being a gift-giver (and alternatively a punisher for those who misbehave)  who is associated with either Christmas itself or mid-winter events like the solstice or winter holidays.  

10. Zwarte Piet

Speaking of Sinterklaas (Dutch Santa), he has an assistant known as Black Pete that is…uh… racist as hell. Sorry Holland, you know it is and you can’t deny it. Let’s not talk about Black Pete anymore. 

9. Ded Moroz and Snegurochka

Ded Moroz (aka “Grandfather Frost”) was dangerously close to just being “Slavic Santa” and being eliminated from consideration like Father Christmas and Père Noël. But I suppose Ded Moroz has enough slight differences to be a unique figure. Yes, he still fulfills the “giving gifts to good kids during winter” function, while maintaining a very Santa-like appearance. However, there are lots of variations of him and sometimes he’s more of a “winter wizard” or a “snow demon.” But one of the primary reasons he’s different is that he also travels around with Snegurochka (“Snow Maiden” – you know, like the unfiltered sake), his helper and granddaughter who often wears a snowflake-shaped crown. I assume she’s basically Elsa, right? 

8. La Befana 

Befana is an old woman (most commonly fitting the profile of a “witch”) who delivers gifts to children throughout Italy on Epiphany Eve (the night of January 5) in a similar way to Santa does for Christmas (or I guess technically Three Magi Kings would be the OG Christmas gift-givers, right?). How does she deliver gifts? She puts them in socks. Is this sounding familiar? It should. Of course since she’s a woman… so it’s also a common tradition that she also sweeps the floor when she visits your house to give gifts. I mean how sexist are Italians?  They make their version of Santa an old hag who has to do housework.

7. Olentzero

In Basque regions between Spain and France, Olentzero is a weird and probably pre-Christian figure that has continued on through the ages. He’s essentially from a race of giants who lived in the Pyrenes and is usually said to be the last of the giants left for various reasons. There are all sorts of variations of the story of how he came to be, including versions where he dies but then is blessed with immortality by a fairy. What does he do? Come down from the mountains and go from town to town on Christmas Eve to leave gifts to good children. Duh. Sensing a theme here?

6. Christkind / Christkindl

It’s sort of strange that somehow a holiday about the birth of baby Jesus got so closely associated with a fat bearded gift giver – but if there is a good explanation for how this all happened, it’s probably the Christkind from Germanic Europe (that also still exists today as the primary gift giver in several Catholic and Latin American countries). Literally German for “Christ Child” (but also commonly more accurately translated as “Lil Jesus” in other languages, like “Ježíšek” in the Czech tongue) this is – yeah – literally the Christ Child. Yep. Yep. Yep. Baby Jesus is going around and giving gifts himself rather than the fat red bastard. So we sort of meet in the middle here and can see this is a transitional concept from how we got from the little baby to the old gift man. 

5. Nisse

These are basically little Scandinavians elves with white beards and tall, conical hats (think garden gnomes) who are closely associated with the winter solstice and Christmastime. They live around your houses and barns and will protect you and give you good fortune if you are nice to them (by doing stuff like leaving them out a bowl of porridge for Christmas). If you are NOT nice to them they might do stuff like KILL YOUR LIVESTOCK, which seems a LOT more severe than leaving a lump of coal. These Scandinavians are hardcore, man. Speaking of which... 

4. Jólasveinar

These are 13 Icelandic “Yule Lads” (often depicted as troll-like). Yep, rather than there being just one Santa, Iceland has 13 of them that arrive on 13 different nights – totally outdoing the 12 days of Christmas by a whole additional day. However, these lads are total weirdos with names that translate to things like “Window Peeper” and “Candle Stealer.” Like Santa wanting you to be naughty or nice, they can alternatively either leave you candy for being good or steal shit from you (or maybe leave rotten potatoes) if you are bad. This already sounds a million times better than our Christmas. How can we get ourselves 13 seperate Santas for December and have it be a coin flip on each night as to whether we are gifted things we want on any given night or alternatively PUNK'D by some piss shark-eating Icelandic gnome version of Ashton Kutcher. 

3. Jólakötturinn

If you thought we were done talking about Iceland after the Yule Lads – think again, because Iceland also has the Yule Cat! Similar to the Krampus of German folklore, this cat is really a punisher and not a rewarder. How so? Legend has it that anyone who does not have new clothes before Christmas Eve will be EATEN BY THE GIANT EVIL YULE CAT. Ohmygod whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this a thing? One theory is that it was an attempt to encourage / force wool harvests in the fall by threatening children with being eaten if they don’t do their absolute most to make sure those sheep and sheared and new wool woven for the winter. Anyway, getting a pair of socks for Christmas doesn’t sound so bad if you have the fear that a giant Icelandic Voltron Lion is going to consume your flesh if you don’t. 

2. Krampus

While most of the Santa replacements here represent dual figures that both reward children for being good and punish them for being naughty – the German culture already had the reward box checked off with Christkind, so for Krampus they leaned in hard with the “punish” half, just like with Iceland and its Yule Cat. I feel like 20 years ago, the Krampus was a fairly obscure figure in American culture that no one had heard of. However, his popularity and notoriety has exploded in recent years, so explaining who the Krampus is seems almost kind of “duh, everyone knows.” Anyway… I suppose I have to. He’s furry. He’s horned. At advent markets around the holidays, there are often "Krampus Runs" where a bunch of them going around absolutely beating the shit out of people with birch sticks.  It's fun for everyone! Everyone except the people who get beat with birch sticks. Which is everyone. I know. I've been to a Krampus Run in Austria and absolutely left it with welts on my arms. So... I guess I was bad that year? 

1. Tió de Nadal

If you thought Spanish versions of Santa Claus were weird when you heard about the mountain giant Olentzero – well now you need to brace yourself for the Catalan region’s Tió de Nadal (roughly translating to “Christmas log”).  Yeah, you might THINK this is the Catalan version of the yule log or Christmas tree instead of being a version of Santa… and certainly you’d be partially right there. However, Tió de Nadal is no mere piece of wood. Tió de Nadal – like ol St. Nick – is also a gift giver. How? HOW? How can a log give gifts? Well, according to the people of Catalan… you dress it up, give it food and a blanket, place it near the fireplace to keep warm,  and then BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT WITH STICKS WHILE ORDERING IT TO DEFECATE GIFTS TO YOU. And yes – “defecate” is the correct translation there. Kids beat a wooden log until it shits out small gifts, often candy and sweets (e.g. things that can be quickly hidden in or around the log by the parents while they send the kids off to the other room to get there beating sticks, which I assume must be a regular accessory in Catalan homes). I mean… wow. Just… WOW. I wonder if in Barcelona there is a version of Mariah Carey who's top Christmas hit is “All I Want For Christmas (Is To Beat You With a Stick Until You Shit Candy).” 

Ed Ranks Holiday Drinks

Is December 12 too early to start ranking “Christmas” and “Holiday”-themed things? No, is the answer. So get ready for a whole bunch of these through the end of the year. 

In 2019 I ranked Christmas Films (Die Hard won, obviously). In 2018 I ranked Christmas Songs (“All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey won, obviously). I’ve also ranked the Rankin/Bass Christmas specials and Christmas Tree Decorations. What will I do this time? 

Holiday Drinks! 

And, before you say, “Look, that alcoholic Ed is doing ANOTHER alcohol list,” well… ermm… I’m covering all drinks here. Not just alcoholic ones (But you’re not exactly wrong either). 

10. Hot Toddy 

Being a fan of whiskey, you might be surprised I rank the Hot Toddy at the bottom of these 10 drinks. After all, a hot toddy is whiskey, with hot water, honey, and lemon. Well those are not at all my flavor profiles that I think go well with whiskey. The hot water makes the whole thing taste watered down, the honey makes it watered down and too sweet. I’d prefer to go a different direction if I’m having a Holiday drink. 

9. Winter Sangria 

A sangria?! In winter?! Yes, this is a thing. And honestly it makes sense. How much different is a sangria from a mulled wine? It’s basically just its cold cousin, served with some ice. Don’t orange peels and cinnamon sticks see, equally as tasty in December as they do in June? 

8. Snowball Cocktail 

This is a fairly simple one with three ingredients: sparkling lemonade, lime juice, and advocaat (a Dutch brandy-based liqueur with a creamy texture). Okay, four ingredients if you include ice cubes. 

7. Holiday Punch 

This one is ranked low because it’s pretty common, but also pretty generic. Obviously you have a fruit-base that is spiked (hence punch). But what is the fruit base? What is it spiked with? Is it a warm punch of a cold punch (more on that later)?  If you work at a job where you’re allowed to have a holiday party, chances are a “holiday punch” will be served, even if it is just Cranberry juice, sprite and vodka. Lots of ways to go with this one, and no clear one recipe. 

6. Peppermint Coffee

A few months after Starbucks whips out the pumpkin spice in August, you know autumn is turning to winter because then we move from pumpkin spice to peppermint. Maybe I’ll get like one peppermint latte a year just because I feel like I should in December. 

5. Hot Buttered Rum 

If you want a warm liquor-based cocktail, this is the way to go instead of the hot toddy. Why? It’s in the name my friend: butter. 

4. Mulled Cider / Wassail 

I cannot be the only one who heard “here we go a’ Wassailing and had no clue what people were talking about. But it means going around and being merry and singing while drinking wassail. To be truthful – wassail does not HAVE to be mulled cider. It could be any warm, mulled, holiday drink that you enjoy during the act of wassailing. It could be mulled wine. It could be warm mulled punch. It could even be warm mulled ale! But the most traditional form of it is indeed apple-based, and thus I’m ranking it as the same thing as mulled cider. Now you know. 

3. Mulled Wine 

I just mentioned mulled wine and here it is – ranking slightly above mulled cider. A mulled wine is a Christmas market staple and it’s hard to think of going to some Christmas market in Europe without having a mulled wine. Oh, also included in this is Glögg, which I’m sure some people would say is technically different or a unique subset that should be ranked separately because it’s actually a mix of mulled wine with other harder liquors like rum/whiskey. That DOES sound awesome, although if you believe it’s different than mulled wine because the mix of ingredients – essentially you’re arguing that it’s a warm punch again (see #7). 

2. Hot Chocolate 

This doesn’t have to be spiked or anything. Just a hot chocolate. And I’m not talking Swiss Miss packets with those strage hard “marshmallows” in them. I remember my mom would make it from scratch using Hershey’s cocoa powder, sugar, milk, and vanilla extract… and it would be a reward for going out and shoveling on a snowy day. Hey, remember when it used to snow before global warming? Those were the days. 

1. Eggnog

Like hot chocolate, this doesn’t HAVE to be spiked – it’s perfectly delicious on its own without alcohol. But, like, uhh… you’re gonna want to go ahead and add in some rum or some whiskey anyway. I’m just sayin. Also, like with Glögg-to-mulled wine, there is a sub-category of eggnog here that I’m electing to rank as part of eggnog rather than a separate entity – Coquito (basically Puerto Rican coconut-flavored eggnog). It is also very delicious. 

Ed Ranks the Top 20 Music Videos of the 1980s (Part 2 of 2)

Hawaiian noises?

Ah, we continue what we began last time, but now featuring the TOP 10 MUSIC VIDEOS of the 1980s!  I don’t need to explain further, do I? Just scroll back if you need a recap. On with the show:

10. Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love” (1986)

This is not a complex music video, but it is ICONIC. It also supports the argument I made in part 1 of this ranking where I implied that 1986 was THE YEAR for music videos. I could explain the video – but I’m sure it’s already visualized in your head.  Robert Palmer in the white shirt and black tie singing to the microphone in the middle. He’s completely flanked by nearly identical supermodels with the reddest lipstick you’ve ever seen in your life, heavy eye makeup,and blush. They have short, slicked-back black hair. They’re all wearing the same black dress and dancing awkwardly while pretending they know how to play musical instruments. Their faces make no signs of emotion at all. It’s like if the Borg assimilated people into FASHION. That’s all this video needed. No complex twists. 4 minutes of these models dancing. And it made everyone super horny. 

9. Madonna – “Like a Prayer” (1989)

Did you see “Madonna” and “Like a…” and think I ranked the wrong video? Nope. Just hold your horses, we’re getting there. Coming five years after the first part of what I am right now naming the “Like a…” duology (you know, trilogy minus one) – Madonna made massively controversial waves with this video. Lots of people pretend like this video was only controversial because it used religious themes, including but not limited to burning crosses (although why would anyone be shocked that someone named MADONNA might stir religious controversy?). Or maybe because the “political” nature of it, like the white guys attacking Madonna but the Black guy getting in trouble. And by the way… how did that one white guy jump down from the sky to attack her anyway? Seriously, re-watch it, is he like a sky ninja or something? He flies out of nowhere! But let’s be honest, most people who hated Madonna and hated this video were probably most angry at the fact that there was an interracial relationship in this video… or even by the fact that a Catholic-ey religious wax figure would be depicted as a Black dude. And then that wax figure would come alive like some weird sequel to Mannequin. Ya know what? Honestly let’s pretend this IS the sequel to Mannequin and that Mannequin Two: On The Move never happened (no offense, Meshach Taylor).

8. Van Halen – “Jump” (1983) - Yes, I know the album is 1984

Yeah, I know the album is literally “1984” but I’m correct because this came out in 1983. As with “Pour Some Sugar on Me” this is a very typical “concert music video” showing Van Halen live on stage. And as I also stated with the former song – it wasn’t particularly an original or novel concept for music videos. Yet unlike all those other more mundane bands on stage, Van Halen could rise above it by simply being Van Halen. The dynamic performances of David Lee Roth jumping around on stage. The tight leather. Eddie Van Halen absolutely shredding the guitar (and honestly, the synthesizer. Can you shred a synthesizer? I’m not sure, but if you can, that’s what Eddie is doing). Is it a simple concept? Yes. But this exception that breaks the rule because this is the “concert video” to which all other concert videos are compared. Concert videos are generally meh, not because the concept isn't a good one - but because they have to live up to being as good of a concert video as "Jump." 

7. Duran Duran – “Hungry Like the Wolf” (1982)

The busy streets full of traffic and bustling marketplaces. The all-white suit guy with his Karate Kid bandana. The mildly spicy legacy of colonialism in Sri Lanka. The monkey. Pulling off those shades. Throwing over that restaurant table for no damned reason. A trek through tropical rivers and jungles. Crossing a rickety old rope bridge and a foot falling through. That Black lady turning into a tiger after she kisses the dude. Face paint and fighting natives. A very wobby, unsteady camera. Those AMAZING new wave hairstyles. I don’t know what’s going on here. This music video is more of an Indiana Jones film than any Indiana Jones film ever was. What an incredible video. I need to watch this 400 more times starting right now. Wait. Do they even have wolves in Sri Lanka? Maybe not. But "Hungty Like the Purple-Faced Langur" lacks that certain je ne sais quoi. 

6. Madonna – “Like a Virgin” (1984) 

Moving from random tigers in Sri Lanka to random lions in Venice. Ahhhh yes. I had somehow forgotten that this video was set in Venice and that Spiderman: Far From Home isn’t the most iconic entertainment medium to feature Venice (seriously though, the movie has Zendaya). This was Madonna’s big breakthrough. The stylish, punky clothes. The makeup. That spin with the bouncy curly hair. The gondolas. The virginal white wedding gown compared to the suggestive nature of everything else about Madonna. It’s sexy enough so that dudes want to watch it, and yet also sort of feminist and about sexual liberation and defying society norms about “innocence.” And man oh man did she change fashion afterwards. Bracelets and fingerless glove sales must have gone through the roof. Forget killing Hitler or warning the people of Pompeii. Priority #1 for anyone with a time machine would be to go open up a "Bracelet and Fingerless Glove Emporium" in 1983 and cash in. How big was Madonna? Big enough for Weird Al to parody her, which is the official sign during the MTV era that you’ve become a superstar. 

5. Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (1983)

What begins with visuals about a weirdo private investigator / paparazzi suddenly goes to color as Michael Jackson trots along a sidewalk and the sidewalk lights up with his steps (and I guess he can also light up hobos into millionaires with magic coins, light up stairs, light up poles, etc). Then we pan up to see that pink dress shirt and oh-so-perfectly askew red bowtie. God, Michael Jackson videos were so damned good back in the day. Yes, the light up sidewalk is the thing that everyone remembers from this, and of course they should because it amazing. But I especially love just how much this music video set doesn’t try to look like anything other than a set. It’s very minimalist and intentionally fake-looking, like a theatre stage, and the video has a sort of hazy, dreamlike look. Who needs a big,  expensive production when all you need to make a Michael Jackson video iconic is Michael Jackson + dancing? Also, by the way everyone… Michael Jackson doesn’t appear in the paparazzi’s photos, so I think he might be a vampire or something. That could explain why his skin went white, right? No sunlight. I mean I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt there. Also… this video has always left me with the giant mystery of who those two women are on the screen he walks by when it randomly says “Louisa” at the bottom.. "Just search the internet, Ed." Duh. I have. The answers are inconsistant and lack sourcing. BUT I MUST KNOW.

4. a-ha - "Take On Me" (1985)

a-yes, the good ol’ “Pipe Wrench Fight” music video.  Amongst the many powerhouses of American and British names who ruled MTV in the 80s, and which also dominate this very top 20 list, somehow a Norwegian synth-pop band has crushed its way past so many other names including Madonna. And don’t call them a “one hit wonder” either (a-ha had a James Bond theme song too!) Yes, the song is catchy as hell, but as you can reason that much of their success had to do with this creative music video that makes extensive use of rotoscoping (a fancy term for “tracing” – not to be used as an insult, as many classic animated features like Snow White used rotoscoping to give realistic human movement). Here the fact that it’s traced is sort of  obvious, because we pop between the worlds of handsome man and pencil-tracing of handsome man. The video? Oh right. A woman sits at a café reading I guess a comic or something, when the handsome man in the comic winks at her. She’s then pulled into the world of the handsome comic man (infuriating the waitress who thinks she’s dined and dashed) but has to deal with handsome man’s arch rivals – a 1950s motorcycle gang led by pipe wrench guy. A fantastic video with an enduring legacy. Just how enduring? This music video has reached over a BILLION views on YouTube – one of only five from before the 21^st century to do so. And only one other video from the 80s has done so: "Sweet Child o’ Mine" (of course also on this list).

3. Michael Jackson – “Thriller” (1982)

I know, I know. You’re confused about why this isn’t ranked #1.  I think every other person who ranks music videos ranks "Thriller" as #1. Not just for the 80s, but typically for all videos of all time. It’s too easy of a pick. And honestly? This video isn’t that watchable. It’s like 14 damn minutes long. That is TOO LONG. Remember how I said Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun” was cinematic? This is obviously cinematic too, but Aerosmith whittled their story down to 5 minutes while this one takes half the run time of a 30-minute TV show. True yes, there is a cut down 3 ½ minute version, but that’s not the version anyone talks about. Hey, this is a great music video for all the reasons you think it is. The plot. The costumes. The zombie makeup. The dances. Wondering if Michael Jackson cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn box (I assume he did not). But you could watch Meatloaf’s “I’d Do Anything For Love” music video TWO TIMES in the time it takes to finish watching “Thriller” and that Meatloaf video already feels like it’s Titanic and I need to take a bathroom break in the middle. Look, don’t be a hater. I’m still ranking this video very, VERY high. If MJ could have just worked on some time management though.

2. Peter Gabriel - "Sledgehammer" (1986)

This won a record 9 MTV Awards in 1987 and is apparently MTV’s most played video of all time. There is a reason why. It’s such a strange, whimsical, and surreal music video. Do the special effects hold up to today? I mean the short answer is “no,” but at the time this was really creative stuff. The extensive use various types of mediums to create the video, including microscope footage (I’m fairly sure I learned what a sperm looked like from this video long before sex education, and my mom had to explain "that ain’t a tadpole, Ed!”), Claymation (when his hands turn into hammers and he SMASHES HIS OWN FACE IN) and, of course, various other forms of stop motion using recorded video, cut-outs, props, etc. There is the toy train going around his head, the chalkboard roller coaster ride, his ice face being smashed by a hammer, the walking furniture near the end of the video, the fruit face (sorry Giuseppe Arcimboldo – you may have been the original, but it’s Peter Gabriel’s thing now), and OF COURSE THE DANCING CHICKENS. Then at the end of the video he turns into… stars… I guess?  It’s all so very much like a weird-ass, absurdist Terry Gilliam Monty Python animated segment. Also, look at the year again. 1986. See? Was I wrong about 86?

1. Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing" (1985)

Sometimes creating a music video for a song is an afterthought to the song itself, but that doesn’t feel like the case here. It feels like this song existed simply to make a music video out of it. Like the band was pandering to MTV. Dire Strait’s Mark Knopfler has been open that he was in an appliance store where an employee in there was watching MTV and talking shit – and he grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down exactly what this guy was saying for the lyrics. You get the gist. Rich, out of touch billionaires banging on drums and getting money for nothing and chicks for free instead of having real blue collar jobs where they’ve got to install microwave ovens. The song is literally a first person narration about MTV and all the videos on MTV and the people on MTV. And the music video actually FEATURES other MTV music videos in it, as well as adds in Sting to re-do his famous “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” line with the new lyrics “I want my, I want my, I want my MTV.” So was this actually shamelessly pandering it’s way to the top and the song was inentially created to become the GREATEST MTV MUSIC VIDEO? Actually… no. Knopfler has also been open that he sort of hated music videos and though they were dumb, and he had to be convinced to do one by someone selling him this concept. And what a concept it was… the visuals were groundbreaking (for their time). No one had seen anything like this. While Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” was pushing the boundaries of what old stop motion visual techniques could do, Dire Straits relied on a new tool. Something called “computer graphics.” Oh yeah, and boy oh boy did it blow everyone’s minds. This went far beyond any Pac-Man or Asteroids computer graphics people might have known from video games. Yes, it was fairly primitive. But think about the fact that this was 1985 and we were only 8 years away from Jurassic Park coming out.  We went from blocky, square appliance men to real-looking dinos that quickly. 8 years ago from today was 2015 and computer graphics have in no way advanced that much further in 8 years. In fact I think they look worse now because they’re so overused that people lazily over-rely on them. But in 85 there was a perfect storm: an emerging new technology, a song that became a meta song about MTV itself, and then became a meta MTV music video about MTV music videos.

Ed Ranks the Top 20 Music Videos of the 1980s (Part 1 of 2)

Enjoy the nightmares. 

No, I’m not ranking songs, I’m ranking music videos. So this is really more of a visual ranking than an audio ranking. Bands like Queen had been releasing music videos back in the 70s, and there were even a few TV shows on local networks (pre-cable) that played music videos. But after the launch of MTV in 1981, music videos became a thing. Well, not a thing. THE thing. MTV ruled the 80s. And these were the top 20 music videos that ruled the 80s. 

20. U2 - With or Without You (1987) 

I suppose “a band performing its song” isn’t the most interesting music video concept – as nearly every other music video (most of them forgettable) was a fairly straight up “this is the band performing its song” type of video. But I suppose this one rises above the others to make the top 20 because it’s a little more “artsy” than the others. It uses moody lighting, strong chiaroscuro contrasts (see, I paid attention in art history, thanks Carravagio!), slow motion, slow fades of one shot to another, and overlays of two recordings at once. It has flashing light walls in the background, shaky cam shots, slight blurring of motion, and most importantly… the pony tail. Man there is so much U2 pony tail in this video. The pony tail never had it so good as in 1987. Anyway yeah… a band performing their song but the visuals certainly upped the game here. 

19.  Police – “Every Breath You Take” (1983) 

Similar to the above – another band performing its song in black and white. But this music video won MTV cinematography awards, and you can’t deny that it certainly has an interesting and memorable look. Yep, like I said it’s mainly black-and-white and shows the band playing, accompanied by a piano and string section. There is also often a brightly-lit huge window in the background. And rather than playing a regular bass guitar, Sting is playing a fancy upright bass like you’d see in an orchestra (hence, you know, the string section). That interesting cinematography being said… I can’t help but admit that the video is… well… a little boring. Visually cool. But yeah, not enough to get it further than 19. 

18. Aerosmith – “Janie's Got A Gun” (1989)

You’ve probably heard of David Fincher. He has dozens of Academy Award nominations and his films have earned over $2.1 billion dollars at the box office. Seven. Fight Club. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Gone Girl. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The Social Network. Well, he started off directing music videos, and to say that “Janie’s Got A Gun” looks “cinematic” and “like a movie” would be an understatement because it is indeed a little 5-minute epic. About what? Well, a girl s molested by her dad. So she shoots him, and then there is a brief manhunt as they zip up daddy in a body bag and try to find her. But rather than being angry cops who find a dangerous fugitive it’s more like a “there there, you need to be put in a warm blanket” type of fugitive capture. Oh, and the mom in the video is Miss Scarlet from the cinematic masterpiece Clue. Still, weird subject matter considering that Aerosmith already had a song called “Uncle Salty” that was essentially about the same theme. You’d think Steven Tyler might have some sort of obsession with… *reads news*… oh. Oh my. Let’s move on.

17. Genesis – “Land of Confusion” (1986)

If “nightmare inducing” counts as “memorable,” than yes… this was a memorable music video. You might recall this video for its use of very weird, fucked up-looking puppets – including puppets of the members of Genesis as well as a Ronald Regan who pees himself so much that he like floods the world or something. Pretty accurate Regan, actually. So yeah… creepy as hell. Perhaps this video wouldn’t have existed without the earlier Herbie Hancock “Rockit” music video which also featured super-creepy robotic puppets, but honestly I didn’t really remember that music video until I was doing research. Do I remember the Land of Confusion music video? In every nightmare I have, yes. 

16. Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar On Me” (1987 / 1988)

An even less interesting subset of the “band playing its song” type of music video is the “concert music video,” where the band is rocking out some arena. Waaaay overdone, especially with the hair metal bands. So let’s talk about why I’m ranking this one. First and foremost, there were actually TWO music videos for "Pour Some Sugar on Me." One is a non-memorable one with a wrecking ball taking apart an old Irish estate. The other one is the “concert video” which is exactly the video you are thinking about, and which came out after this song became a hit (but before it became the official anthem of strippers?). So why does this make the cut as being more iconic than others? It just was. Because it was so, so much. Def Leppard was so much. The hair. The laser lights. The 80’s-ness. When this video came out people likely didn’t know you could describe an entire decade with just one music video, but if you could it might be this one. 

15. Guns N' Roses – “Sweet Child o' Mine” (1987)

You might think “isn’t this ANOTHER concert music video?” No! It’s actually not. The video isn’t them actually playing “Sweet Child o’ Mine,” it’s the band PRACTICING and GETTING READY to perform the song, which is an interesting and unique enough twist that no video that I can think of did before it, and which seems sort of timeless and obvious today. Hence it has a bit of a “this is a video about making a video” vibe. The same impressive cinematography we get in the Police and U2 videos I mentioned above also applies here: grainy black and white footage, super high contrast, etc). And visually, this breakthough song was the first time most people actually SAW what Guns N’ Roses looked liked and it must have blown people’s minds. People watched this video and were like “who and what the fuck is this?!” I just wish the band would be smart enough to not put their girlfriends in the music videos. They had to know this would end up poorly. 

14. INXS - “Need You Tonight / Mediate” (1987)

Interestingly, INXS decided to take two of their songs from their 1987 Album “Kick” and merge them into a single music video rather than releasing two videos. That was an interesting enough choice on its own to make me consider it for the rankings, but re-watching the video itself I do recall how memorable it was. The mix of the black and white with the color (I’m sure Schinder’s List stole the idea from this, right?). The grainy, cut-up 35mm footage. The tossing of the cue cards in what was a tribute to Bob Dylan's “Subterranean Homesick Blues” (but at the time I had no idea, and I though this was all INXS’s thing). I forgot that these two different iconic INXS music videos were actually ONE music video. Also, can I just say WOW how handsome was Michael Hutchence? Look at that dude. 

13. Run DMC (featuring Aerosmith) – “Walk This Way” (1986)

Certainly an iconic video. Run DMC was becoming more and more popular and successful... but rap still wasn’t quite mainstream enough for most of the white suburb kids yet. Aerosmith was a famous band that used to sell out arenas, but by the mid-80s they were a drugged-up has-been joke of a band. Somehow the two coming together gave BOTH of them what they needed. Run DMC (and rap in general) exploded to mainstream approval and Aerosmith once again found themselves relevant and launched a comeback that lasted for another 15 years. The music video obviously contributed enormously to the success of the whole thing, with the set-up being Run DMC and Aerosmith playing two opposite concerts on different sides of a wall until the wall is “broken through” and rock and rap come to merge with one another. A historic moment in music. Enough so that I’m saying it’s the 13th greatest music video of the 80s. But if we can be honest… beyond the impact of that cultural moment and how much of a paradigm shift it was for music… the video itself is… well… you know… sort of just okay. 

12. The Beastie Boys – “(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)” (1986)

Speaking of making rap music go mainstream in 1986 (and also speaking of finding a way to make white suburbs kids like it), here the Beastie Boys played a helping hand. A very memorable and funny music video that’s often quite literal between the lyrics and what’s happening (but that’s not necessarily a bad thing). Throwing a party while the parents are out of the house, sticking that finger in the dog’s face and shouting “IF YOU DON’T CUT THAT HAIR!” The throwing away of the best porno mag. The dad and his hypocritical smoking habits. Ah, memories. This video might have just been at the height of MTV. I feel like 86-87 has to be the MOST MTVish of MTV’s years before it stopped being so MTVish. Plus I want to point out that videos like Will Smith’s “Parents Just Don’t Understand” would never have existed without this one coming first. 

11. Billy Idol – “White Wedding (Pt 1)” (1982)

Billy Idol did the dumb “Guns N’ Roses thing” by putting his girlfriend in the video here (although maybe that statement should be reversed because this video came out several years before GNR). While in 2023 the idea of a music video about a “goth wedding” might sound sort of “eh, okay, it’s been done before,” …well guess what! In 1982 it HADN’T been done before. Lots of memorable stuff here. The high saturation (like all my Instagram photos), the girls in the tight leather shaking their asses (long before Sir Mix a Lot), ye olde classic cars, motorcycles crashing through stained glass, people hammering nails in coffins to the beat of the song, Billy Idol pretending he’s the Mummy for a few seconds (I’m still confused by this), unnecessary amounts of candles, Idol blowing smoke from his mouth as he sings, a wedding guest list with freaks and art majors on one side and boring normies on the other, Idol slicing his bride’s finger open with the wedding ring, kitchens with exploding toasters, and so on. Also, yes, the title above is correct. Technically the name of this music video (and the corresponding song) is “White Wedding (Pt 1)” even though Billy Idol’s self-titled 1982 album only had the one part on it. The “Part 2” was the single’s B-side and is not featured in the music video. So it’s really a song cut into two parts, although only one part is the memorable one. 

Oh, and speaking of dividing things up into two parts…