Ed Ranks Dinner Options

Pictured: A wide variety of food options I presently don't have

Oh crap! It's 8:42PM EST on a Friday night and I haven't even eaten anything yet.  I better weigh my options...

10. Make something from scratch - Hahaha, no. As I just said, it is 8:42 on a Friday night. It is too late and I do not want to do all that work.

9. There is some leftover kimchi in the fridge - Kimchi just by itself? I have nothing to have it with. Spicy fermented cabbage and radishes with salty fish sauce is not what I'm looking for right now.

8. What about that apple? - No thanks. I think there is a bad spot on it. I guess it could cut that spot out. But an apple wouldn't be enough. I'd still be hungry afterwards.

7. A hand full of French's© Fried Onions - That is not a meal, that is a snack and it's totally going to throw off my calorie count for the day. I have to stay under 2000!  Also, you don't eat this by itself. You need to make that green bean casserole thing to go with it. And I just said I'm not making anything from scratch.

6. Okay then, there is nothing to eat here. You might as well go out to eat somewhere - No. It's late and it's cold. And I'm too lazy. I'd have to put on clothes and stuff.

5. Wait! Soup! You have some soup! That will be easy to warm up! - Yes, but I think like with the apple it won't be enough. I'd need a little more than that. Also that's leftovers too and I just had it yesterday.

4. Okay, so what about the soup PLUS the apple? - I dunno. The soup is tortilla soup. Does tortilla soup go well with apples? Plus I don't even have any tortillas left to put in the tortilla soup because I used the last of the tortillas when I had the soup yesterday. 

3. Order pizza delivery! That way you don't have to get up or put clothes on. Also, you'll have leftovers tomorrow! - No, I'm boycotting Papa Johns and I'm not sure Dominos delivers here. I mean maybe they do, but it's sort of far. I don't have cash either. I know I could order it online and use my credit card, but I prefer to use cash so that the guy gets a tip. You can tip online, but I bet the manager screws the delivery person and does some crap like split all the tip money with the bad employees and even keeps some for himself.

My favorite brand: generic

2. Give up and have nothing. It's either that or just spoon peanut butter directly out of the jar - Tempting.

1. Okay... just suck it up and eat the tortilla soup without tortillas. Then take the apple and cut the bad spot out. Then put PEANUT BUTTER on the apple. Peanut butter + apple = magic. Does tortilla soup go with apples and peanut butter? No, it doesn't. But you have no other options. Suck it up, do it, and quit your complaining. If you're still hungry afterwards, have a big glass of water and keep having water until you're full - We have a winner.

Ed Ranks Things on this Christmas Word Search Puzzle

Oh man! These are fun, right? I've found 20 words hidden in this Christmas Word Search Puzzle and I've decided to rank them!  This is going to be a blast!

20. Caroling - This is a fun one, but it was right in the middle! A little too easy to find!

19. Cheer - I found this one pretty easily too! Still, a great sentiment for the season!

18. Coldness - Hrm. Coldness is a bit odd choice. Sounds kind of negative. Still, I suppose Winter is pretty cold, so I shouldn't read too much into that. I would have gone with "frosty" or something like that myself. Anyway, it was right at the top left going down. I can't believe it took me so long to find it since it was right there!

17. Jingle Bells - Hahaha, great one! Now I'm singing that song in my head.

16. Christmas - This one is a little obvious, but okay.

15. Joy - Whew! What a tough one to find... only 3 letters long. The key is to look for the Y's if you want to find it too.

14. Family - I was looking for Y's and I found "Family." It is important to spend time with your family every Christmas. What a great list!

13. Snow - Yessssss! Found it!

12. Yuletide - Hey, another Y one. I guess these Y's are more common in Christmas words than I thought.

11. Merry - This one was tricky. I figured "Merry" would be in there and I eventually found it! But in the upper middle of the puzzle across there is one that says "Derry" and it keeps tricking me and throwing me off. Can you find where the real one is at? I won't give it away, so that you can have the fun of finding it yourself!

10. Divorce - Wait... what? Why is this in here? Hrm. It must have been some kind of accident or something. I think the people who make these puzzles use some sort of program that puts the real words in, and then just adds other scrambled letters in order to hide them. This must just be one of those crazy flukes, right? It's diagonal and backwards, so probably not intended. Yeah, the world can provide some odd coincidences sometimes. Hahaha, I'll laugh this off as a zany coincidence that gives extra charm to the puzzle.

9. Candy Cane - And we're back on track! These are the great types of words we're supposed to be finding.

8. Santa - You can't have a proper Christmas Puzzle without "Santa" being somewhere in there! Ho ho ho!

7.  Reindeer - And right after finding "Santa," I found "reindeer!" Nice! I knew I would be able to find that in here somewhere, because there was a cute little graphic of Rudolph to the side. Just like there was a graphic of candy canes and I found that earlier.  Is "snow man" also in this puzzle anywhere? I can't seem to find it. It doesn't look like it, and I was looking for it pretty hard. Hrm. Probably not. Since we already had "snow" it might be repetitive to also do "snow man."

6. Decorations - Oh, nice! Always great to have decorations. That's what my last list was about four days ago.

5. Winter - Brrr! Make sure to wear a nice warm coat.

4. Presents - AWESOME! Presents are the best! This is great!

3. Depression - Wait. What?! Now I'm starting to think that "coldness" and "divorce" were more than just accidents. I know "Seasonal affective disorder" (SAD) is a real thing that occurs around this time, but there is no reason to put this in here.

2. Suicide - THIS IS HIDDEN IN HERE GOING BACKWARDS! JUST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS SEARCH PUZZLE?!

1. Absence of Hope - Holy SHIT this got dark. PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THIS PUZZLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

Ed Ranks Christmas Tree Decorations

Look at this fancy nonsense!

Christmas is in the air! Here are 35 common(-ish) decorations for your Christmas Tree, ranked:

35. Anything Political - For the love of that little baby in the manger, no. Please. Don't.

34. Popcorn Garland - Oh look! A "cute" homemade thing where you whip out a sewing needle, thread, and then put 7,000 little holes in your finger stringing thread through disgusting popcorn. I suppose it's better than eating popcorn though. Why do people like popcorn? The kernals always get caught in your gums! Popcorn is terrible.

33. Nothing, Just a Fake White Tree - You are LAZY.

32. Personalized Photo of Self / Couple / Your Child / Your Dog - Uhhhh. You're that family, huh?

31. Kitschy Pop Culture Bullshit - Christmas-themed Super Mario? Groot? NASCAR? Pikachu? Jersey Shore? Betty Boop? Please keep this nonsense off your tree.

30. Home-Crafted Thingamajig - Elementary school art class had your untalented child to make some ugly thing and now you're forced to hang it up? Or maybe you're simply one of those "DIY" people? Either way, stop being poor and buy real decorations. Nobody believes that "it's more meaningful if it's homemade" nonsense.

An all-bauble tree looks like CRAP!

29. Balls (Baubles) - What is more boring than just a bunch of glittering balls hanging from a tree? Sure, you can have some... but these are really just filler for empty spots on the tree, right?

28. Blown Glass - Ah, like the balls above but made from real glass. I see you like to live dangerously. Especially if you have any pets or children. Enjoy stepping on those tony shards three months later after you thought you had got them all.

27.  Fruit - This is apparently a thing.

26. Candy Canes - Classic... but boring. Also gross.  Who actually likes peppermint? That's candy from olden times before Snickers were invented.

25. The Word "Noel" - Yeah, I guess you can put "Noel" up on a tree. So long as it is referring to the French Noël (meaning “Christmas season”) and not to Noel, a stripper you just met.

24. Hearts - Lame. What is this? Valentine's Day?

23. Cross - Let's celebrate Christmas by recalling a method of execution from antiquity wherein a victim is tied, nailed, or otherwise attached to a large wooden beam and left to hang for several days until eventual death. ENJOY THOSE LEGOS, KID!

22. Nativity Scene - What's with all this Christian stuff people want to add to their Christmas trees? Have they forgotten the true meaning of Christmas? And by that I mean "to celebrate the Sigillaria during the Saturnalia, a day of gift-giving (which likely evolved from earlier practices of human sacrifice) very near to the Winter Solstice of the Roman Calendar in honor of the mighty god, Saturn."

21. Present / Gift Bearer - An ornament of a present itself, or of a person giving a present? Eh. Sure. 

20. A Christmas Tree - Wait... you're putting a Christmas Tree on a Christmas Tree? Just what kind of Inception bullshit are you trying to pull off here?

19. Wreath - At least a little more creative than a tree. And since it naturally has a circle you can just pop that right on a tree branch.

18. Ribbons - Now your tree looks like a harlot.

17. Fancy European Handcrafted Thingamajig - Wow! Did you get that from some Christmas Market in Germany? Looks expensive. It would be a shame if someone (or some pet) broke it! (see #28 above).

16. Fake snow - A bit obvious, but fine.

Impractical house clutter

15. Nutcrackers - Let's be honest. Nobody since the 19th century has actually used a Nutcracker to crack a nut.

14. Santa - Yeah, I'm a filthy heathen who put Santa on the list several rankings above crosses and nativity scenes.  I guess the War on Christmas™ Fox News rages on.

13.  Doves - Because peace and Jesus, and all that jazz.

12. Penguins - An even better bird, because they live in the snow.

11. Bells - As long as they are fake bells. If they are real ones that actually ring - that would be annoying.

10. Stockings / Socks - Nice try, but you're not going to get MORE gifts if you put up more socks. Only the ones over your fireplace count. Santa isn't that easily fooled.

9. Rocking Horse - A classic! To be a decoration on a tree, I mean. Not as an actual present. That would be awful.

8. Train - Like above. Boys really like trains. Why? Probably Stand by Me.

7. Gingerbread Man - A fake one is better than one really made out of gingerbread. Then you can re-use it the next year without it being rancid or attracting ants everywhere.

6. Snowflakes - Good choice! You know it won't actually snow outside, so this is the next best thing.

5. Angel - You have to either have an angel or star on top of your tree. It's a rule.

4. Star - You have to either have a star or angel on top of your tree. It's a rule.

Yep, that's a nice ornament.

3. Snowmen - Much better than making an actual snowman. If you make a snowman outside then your fingers get super cold. Even if you're wearing mittens. Just hang up a snowman ornament and treat yourself to a hot cocoa. You deserve it.

2. Reindeer - Unless you live in Scandinavia, this is the only time of year you're even going to think about this animal. You might as well put all nine of these bad boys up.

1. Lights - On second thought, just hang up the lights and call it a day. Good enough!

Ed Ranks FFXII Characters by his Vague Recollection of Them

Final Fantasy XII is a 2006 video game. I played it a long time ago, but don't really remember all that much about it. It had... what?... six main characters, right? I think it was six. I remember six. I don't remember their real names though. Here they are, ranked:

I could have also called him "Gender Fluid Mad Max"

6. J-Pop

The main character of almost every Final Fantasy game is the most boring character. Maybe it's supposed to be that way. Maybe, because they are the protagonist of the game, that character is purposely flimsy so that you, as the player of the game, can fill in the holes and put yourself in their shoes more? Nah, I'm being too generous. FF main characters are always terrible and they're always teenagers who look like they belong in a Japanese boy band.

J-Pop's Job: Street urchin with dead parents
J-Pop's Weapon:  Sword, which is also really boring, right?
J-Pop's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Pyroclasm," presumably a cataclysm of fire.
J-Pop's real name, apparently: "Vaan"

5. Jailbait

Boring main character is almost always accompanied by a giggling, overly sexualized lolita. Jailbait is (probably) 8 years old and the best friend of main character. Do not try to hit on Jailbait or you will go to fantasy space prison for a long time.

Jailbait's Job: Break Dancer (again, I am vaguely recalling)
Jailbait's Weapon: Some type of giant staff with some axe-looking thing on the end.
Jailbait's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Evenescence," which I assume makes her enemies go under, drown in you, fall forever, and break though.  
Jailbait's real name, apparently: "Penelo"

4. Grizzled Man

Grizzled Man is an "old" character in the game, meaning he's in his mid-30's. He's some sort of disgraced knight that doesn't like to speak about his past (something to do with killing the king, although it was really his twin brother who killed the king) and he has a scar on his face. Scars add character.  In hindsight, Grizzled Man is a combo of Jaime Lannister (killing kings) and Jorah Mormont (sad, loner, disgraced knight).

Grizzled Man's Job: Knight (unemployed)
Grizzled Man's Weapon: Giant sword, as a knight should have
Grizzled Man's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Flame purge," I am loving these names, by the way 
Grizzled Man's real name, apparently: "Basch"

Here are the rest of them. If you care.

3. Princess Leia

The Princess is another trope character who seems to appear in every single one of these damn games. She's an only child and thus the heir to the throne of whatever kingdom this game is set in. I'm not sure. But why am I calling her Princess Leia? Because she's also a rebel / freedom fighter who goes around killing. Cool. She also enjoys placing a single finger on her nose in all of the game's promo artwork.

Princess Leia's Job: Princess / Leader of the Rebel Alliance
Princess Leia's Weapon: I don't even remember.
Princess Leia's Most Awesome Limit Break:  "Heaven's Wrath," which could easily be the name of a death metal album. 
Princess Leia's real name, apparently: "Ashe"

2.  S&M Rabbit

S&M Rabbit is a sexy lady rabbit who likes wearing tight leather. She doesn't talk much, although I assume at the very least she does have some sort of safe word. She's supposed to be an expert with weapons, which is a good thing to have in a game with a plot where you go around killing things. S&M Rabbit is easily the most cosplay-able character in Final Fantasy XII. But beware if you do so, because I imagine someone at a convention might confuse you with Nei from Phatasy Star II.

S&M Rabbit's Job: Killing things
S&M Rabbit's Weapon: Bow & Arrow
S&M Rabbit's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Shatterheart," what she does to all the boys. 
S&M Rabbit's real name, apparently: "Fran," which sounds like the name of a 50-year old aunt and not a sexy rabbit girl.

See? Pirate!

1. Sky Pirate

Sky Pirate is the best. I love Sky Pirate. Sky Pirate is a pirate, except he lives in the sky. Yes, he has some sort of pirate airship that flies around everywhere when you need to conveniently move around the game. You (in the guise of boring J-Pop Main Character), first meet Sky Pirate when he's breaking into a palace and stealing shit. That's all you need to know about Sky Pirate because that's what Sky Pirates do. They steal. Because they are pirates. Except in the sky. Sky Pirate's best friend is S&M Rabbit, and she follows him around everywhere. If you were Sky Pirate, you would also have an S&M Rabbit girl with you too. If we are continuing the Star Wars analogy, Sky Pirate and S&M Rabbit are clearly Han and Chewie. Except they have a lot more sex. I assume. Who knows what happened on those lonely nights on the Millennium Falcon.

Sky Pirates's Job: Sky Pirate
Sky Pirates's Weapon: Double Fisting Ye Olde Pirate Blunderbuss Guns
Sky Pirates's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Tides of Fate," Get it? Tides. It's a pirate joke!  
Sky Pirates's real name, apparently: "Balthier," which is a great pirate name

Ed Ranks the 5 W's (and one H)

The answer to all of the questions
to the left is "Kate Beckinsale."

6. What?

This one is ranked the lowest because stupid people chanting it constantly in WWE crowds, well over 15 years after it stopped being funny. 

5. How? 

You're not even a W. You're an H. You don't belong here. Go back to the other side of the tracks.

4. When?

I mean, eventually. Let's deal with more important issues first though.

3. Where?

Does the location really matter that much? Let's just get shit done. 

2. Who?

Is there an owl in here?

1. Why?

Since the premise of these rankings is for them to be "meaningless, irrational, arbitrary listicles to fill your existential void," I suppose the real answer to "Why?" is that there is no actual reason.

Ed Ranks Songs on A7X's City of Evil (2005)

Pre-2005 Metalcore Avenged Sevenfold is mediocre, everybody knows that.  And now that I've gotten that blanket statement out of the way:

11. Strength of the World (9:14) - Geez, a song over nine minutes? What is this, a Guns N' Roses vanity album? Ain't nobody got time for that.

10. The Wicked End (7:10) - Mary. Six Hundred and Sixty Six. Apples. Adam. Way too many biblical references. Who has time for all this bible stuff in an A7X song? Am I trying to rock out or is this Sunday school? Oh wait... what's that? The name Avenged Sevenfold itself is already Genesis 4:24 reference?  Ah, never mind then. It's not like this is a bad song. Every song on this album is good. Why else would A7X have won MTV's best new artist award that year over people like Rhianna and Chris Brown. Hey, I wonder whatever happened to those two.

9. Blinded in Chains (6:34) - Shouldn't it be binded in chains? No wait. That's poor English. It would be "bound" in chains. Forget I said anything. So they blind someone and put them in chains? Hey WAIT A MINUTE... is this a reference to Byzantine Emperor Isaac II and the Fourth Crusade?

8. Sidewinder (7:01) - Why aren't songs from the POV of crotalus cerastes rattlesnakes more popular? I know, I know--it's possible the "sidewinder" could also be referring to Bitis peringueyi pitviper of Namibia and southern Angola. But  A7X is from Huntington Beach, so I'm going to assume it's the aforementioned Crotalus genus of the southwestern United States.

7. M.I.A. (8:48) - A song about war and soldiers dying. That's pretty metal. But also long. Super long.

6. Seize the Day (5:32) - Speaking of talking about dying, Seize the Day talks about dying a lot. But talking about seizing the day and living life to the fullest before you die? How metal is that? Not very.

5. Trashed and Scattered (5:53) - What the hell does "Sedated nights to the bar room fights as metropolis takes its toll" even mean? Are these just random words strung together?

4. Betrayed (6:47) - This song is pretty obviously about Dimebag Darrell.

3. Burn It Down (5:00) - "Hatred fuels my blood, I'll burn ya down. One king to watch the horsemen fall, I'll fight 'til the end. I can't trust anyone, see it in my eyes. Now I can understand, it's sorrow that feeds your lies." Now those are proper metal lyrics, people. This is also City of Evil's shortest song, at just 5 minutes. Which is exactly two "Them Bones by Alice in Chains" (TBbAiC) long. I typically measure all songs in TBbAiCs. "Stairway to Heaven?" 4.016 TBbAiCs. "American Pie?" 4.275 TBbAiCs.

2. Beast and the Harlot (5:42) - Another bible-ey song, but this one is super super awesome. It's all about the fall of Babylon, Dante's Inferno, and the Book of Revelation. But more important is that main riff though. Total Guitar magazine called it the 14th greatest guitar riff of all time. Or at least Wikipedia says that Total Guitar magazine says that. Who am I to do independent research of my own? This is Ed Ranks Everything, not the New York Times. This song also segues nicely into "Burn it Down."

Yes. This.

1. Bat Country (5:13) - I know (now) that this is supposed to be a reference to Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but honestly this is just "the Castlevania song" to me. Well, actually almost every song from an A7X album sounds like it could be a cover of some background music to a Castlevania video game. And that's why A7X is awesome. But really, all this talk about bats and stuff. I was sure this was supposed to be a reference to Simon questing against Dracula and all his bats and shit. Whatever, in my head this song is still exactly about that.

• "Caught here in a fiery blaze" - referring to the fire whip, obviously. 
• "I tried to drive on through the night" - referring to powering through the day/night switch in Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest (e.g. What a horrible night for a curse), obviously. 
• "Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction" - a warning to not waste your potions when you are near full HP, obviously.
• "As I adjust to my new sights" - referring to the Timeless Vision ability used by Alucard in Castlevania: Revelations, obviously. 
• "I'll make a beast out of myself" - referring to Grant Danasty, who was turned into a monster by Dracula's magic in Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse, obviously.
• "These good ideas will tear your brains apart" - Brain Floats, obviously.
• "Scared but you can follow me" - again, referring to the optional Castlevania III companions that can follow you, obviously. 
• And so on. 

Ed Ranks Things Named "Ex Machina"

Oh, I did a ranking on Dues Ex Machina film endings in the past. But this ranking is completely different, I swear! This one is about things named "Ex Machina." See? Totally different!

7. Deus Ex Machina, the leader of the sentient machines in The Matrix Revolutions - Well this one was just stupid. Watch the first Matrix. Pretend the latter two never happened.

6. Deus Ex Machina, an episode of the sixth series of Waking the Dead - Not to be confused with The Walking Dead. Yeah, I get it. You've probably messed up with this on your DVR, right? This is the one that is a British police procedural crime drama featuring a Cold Case unit.

5. Deus Ex, a series of first-person video games - I never played these. Also, technically it doesn't have the "Machina" in the name, so it doesn't belong here. Whatever.

4. Deus Ex Machina, a Season One episode of Lost - Season One of Lost was great, so this is a good Ex Machina. If this had been a Season Four or beyond episode, then it would be garbage.

3. Deus Ex Machina, a Singaporean death metal/thrash metal band - I have no idea who these guys are or what they sound like, but I bet they are super awesome.

2. Dues Ex Machina, a trope within Greek tragic plays -  Whereby a machine is used to bring actors playing gods onto the stage to instantly resolve the story's plot through supreme powers. This is also how every episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ended, except they came out of wormholes.

1. This, the only reason I even created this ranking: 

I lied above. This list is not different at all. I just wanted to post this again. It's been a while. 

Ed Ranks Movies whe--HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?

Sometimes you're watching a movie and you say to yourself, "HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?"  Because you didn't even know Matt Damon was supposed to be in this... and yet there he is!

Why is this? Well, sometimes this is because it's a film from before 1997/1998ish (when Damon got really famous after Good Will Hunting). So you saw the film a long time ago and now, after seeing it again, you are stunned by the fact that Damon was in it the whole time.  But a lot of times, even after Matt Damon got really famous, he just unexpectedly cameos in films.

Note that this ranking goes by how likely it is you will be surprised to see Matt Damon in this film. Not by the quality of the film itself. I have 11 ranked here because I thought it was 10 but then I miscounted. Math was never my strong point.

11. Chasing Amy (Damon as Executive #2)  - Chasing Amy came out in April 1997, about eight months before the release of Good Will Hunting and about a year before the latter film gave Damon an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay and made him a household name.  If you saw Chasing Amy when it came out in 1997, chances are you had no idea who the hell Matt Damon was (unless you were either Matt Damon's mother or Ben Affleck).  But now in hindsight and after years of Kevin Smith films that feature Affleck and Damon in either leading or cameo roles -- chances are you will not be at all surprised that Damon is in this. Maybe just a tiny bit surprised with a reaction of, "Oh, that makes sense."

Who was he? Oh. Private Ryan.

10. Saving Private Ryan (Damon as Private Ryan) - Damon had JUST become famous and won his Academy Award a few months before Saving Private Ryan came out in 1998. Not everybody watches the Academy Awards or cares about artsy Miramax dramas about the relationship between a self-taught South Boston genius janitor and a psychology professor. Given that, Damon was relatively famous when this film came out, but not SUPER famous. When I saw Saving Private Ryan, I had no idea who Matt Damon was. So years later when I saw it again, I was like, "HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS PRIVATE RYAN?!"  I expect some people had this reaction for a number of years.  It's easy to forget he's in it because Private Ryan doesn't even show up in the film until pretty late. But generally, now it's pretty well known that Matt Damon is Private Ryan. You're far more likely to have your Holy Shit! moment when watching this film when you realize that the rest of the cast included other not-quite-that-famous-yet people like Vin Diesel, Paul Giamatti, Bryan Cranston, and Nathan Fillion.

9. School Ties (Damon as Charlie Dillon) - When this 1992 film came out, nobody who saw it knew who Matt Damon was. If those same people saw it years later they were probably like, "HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN  THIS?"  And that's the whole point of this list, isn't it?  I'll rank this one fairly low though because 1) Who cares about School Ties? and 2) Ben Affleck is in this, so if you remember or knew that, it great;y reduces the likelihood that you'd be surprised by Matt Damon being in it too.

8.  Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (Damon as Bachelor Matt) - Remember this 2002 comedy about gameshow host/producer/songwriter/spy Chuck Barris? Not really? Well, we'll carry on anyway.  In case you didn't know, Barris hosted (among other things such as Gong), The Dating Game. Not surprisingly, there is a scene in this movie featuring The Dating Game. Matt Damon showed up in that scene, playing "Bachelor Matt" (creative, right?).  I suppose it is indeed surprising that Matt Damon had a cameo in this, but not ULTRA surprising considering that this film was the directoral debut of George Clooney, who had co-starred with Damon in Ocean's Eleven the year before.

7. Che  (Damon as Father Schwarz) - What the hell is Matt Damon doing in this 2008 biopic about Ernesto "Che" Guevara, starring in a cameo role as a Spanish-speaking German priest? Nobody knows.  You should be pretty surprised when you see his ass pop up.

6. Mystic Pizza (Damon as Steamer) - Matt Damon was 17 when he had a smallish role (his film debut) in this Julia Roberts film. Note that this was before Roberts was in Pretty Woman or Steel Magnolias, so people barely knew who the hell she was. She didn't even get top billing.  The film wasn't that big when it came out, and only generated a cult following later. For that reason, chances are fairly good that if you see this film you'll be like "HOLY SHIT, BABY MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?"

5. Courage Under Fire  (Damon as Specialist Ilario) -  OH SHIT! Specialist Ilario is Matt Damon? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT?! Oh right, because nobody knew who the hell Matt Damon was when this movie came out.

4. Finding Forrester (Damon as Sanderson) - He's the man now, dawg. Why the hell does this movie end with Matt Damon randomly showing up a year after the events of the movie to announce to Rob Brown that Sean Connery has died of cancer for no particular reason? Is Matt Damon contractually obliged to make odd, jarring cameos?

Yes. THIS is a Matt Damon film.

3. EuroTrip (Damon as Donny) - An R-Rated, low budget, raunchy teen sex comedy about that girl who everyone hated on Buffy the Vampire Slayer going to Europe. Let me point out by this time in Matt Damon's career he has already won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting, and was an A-List action movie superstar through Jason Bourne films. There was absolutely no reason Matt Damon needed to, or should have, showed up in a cameo role in an R-Rated, low budget, rauncy teen sex comedy about that girl who everyone hated on Buffy the Vampire Slayer going to Europe. And yet this happened.

2. Interstellar - (Damon as Dr. Mann) - Big budget sci-fi epic by Chris Nolan. Nolan was at the top of his game when this film came out after the Batman Trilogy, Inception, and other flicks. Everyone knew this movie was going to be big and had a HUGE cast.  Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, John Lithgow, Michael Caine, and so on. Occasionally throughout the film they reference this guy name Dr. Mann. Then finally Dr. Mann shows up and HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?!?!?!  Anbd not only is it They had ads for this all over TV. Everyone knew who was going to be in it. But they kept the Damon part a secret and he just randomly shows up. Admittedly maybe we should have guessed since there was an Affleck in this film... but it was Rapey Casey Affleck, not Molestey Ben.

1. Thor: Ragnarok (Damon as Loki Actor) - Oh, spoiler alert, by the way. It's been a month. Now this one is your fault is some surprise was ruined for you. 

Ed Ranks Clue Rooms

Part III of III.

Okay... this is it, folks. The conclusion of the amazing Clue/Cluedo trilogy. The fantastic murder mystery board game where Mr. Boddy/Dr. Black is murdered by one of six suspects with one of six weapons in one of nine rooms.  And where does this grizzly murder take place?  Why, in an English country house called Tudor Mansion (sometimes also called Tudor Close, Tudor Hall, Boddy Manor or Boddy Mansion).

Here are the rooms in Tudor Mansion, ranked:

9. Hall - How boring is a hall? I mean really! And I know that in an old mansion a "hall" isn't just like the narrow hallway in your house that leads to bedrooms and stuff. Here, hall is referring to something more like a "great halls" of castles and stuff, that eventually evolved into eating, relaxing and entertainment chambers in 16th and early 17th century manor houses.  Still though, you can perform all these types of functions already in the other, much cooler, rooms in Tudor Mansion.  I would hate to be murdered in the damn hall.

A totally unnecessary room and a waste of money. 

8. Ball Room - Speaking of terrible places to die, how awful would it be reading someone's obituary to learn that they died in a ball room? If I saw that someone died in a ballroom, I assume it would be a woman in her 80's who died from the vigorous exercise contained within a slow waltz.  If I had a mansion I would not include a lame ball room. I'd have to turn this into something else. A huge walk-in closet, perhaps? Oh shit... maybe a panic room! Mr. Boddy seems like the guy who would need a panic room, what with people always trying to murder him. Oh... no... wait... I changed my mind again. Bar. I would put a bar here instead.

7. Dining Room - I'm all about open floor plans. Why do the kitchen and the dining room have to be separate? Just knock down the walls and turn them into one big room. Yeah, yeah. I know. This is a mansion so you're not supposed to see the servants doing the work. You're just supposed to sit at the ornate dining room table and have those peasants bring stuff to you. I don't care though. That king orf attitude is exactly why someone is probably going to murder you. And if you died in a dining room wouldn't the most likely cause be poison? Poison isn't even a weapon in regular clue. That's some Master Detective Clue shit there. And I can't add in stuff from Master Detective in these rankings or else I'd also have to add in stables, gazebos, drawing rooms, horseshoes, Madam Rose, Sgt. Grey, M. Brunette, Miss Peach, etc.)

6. Lounge - I suppose the lounge is like the equivalent of living room or something, right? This isn't all that interesting, but at least the lounge has a secret passage in it. That gives it some awesome points. Secret passages are so cool. I want to build one in my living room. Too bad I like in an apartment. My neighbors would be like, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" if I chiseled through the living room wall to try to build a secret passage to my balcony.  And I guess the living room already has a sliding door to the balcony, so the whole thing would be a bit silly.

Pictured: A quite decent room... FOR MURDER!!!

5. Study - A study is a solid place to murder someone. First of all, it's meant to be a quiet room, generally for one person to be isolated in and, well (as the name implies), study. A comfortable leather chair, a desk, and maybe a couple of books borrowed from the library. When Mr. Boddy is chilling in his study by himself - it would be the perfect time to come up from behind and bust his head open with a lead pipe. And, like the Lounge, bonus points to the study for having a secret passage. In this case, the secret passage goes to the kitchen. So if all that murdering makes the murderer a bit hungry, he or she can go grab a sandwich. Convenient!

4. Billiard Room - How cool is it to have an opulent enough mansion to have your own billiard room in it? I know it's the 21st Century and so that might seem a little old-fashioned, but this room is the equivalent of the modern day game room.  I'd love a billiard room. I'd probably have a little more than just billiards in there, though. Maybe get one of those combo pool tables that you can flip it over and have air hockey as well. Air hockey is SWEET. I'd still want to keep it a little old school though. Maybe hang up some giant, framed neoclassical paintings in the room. Give it a high ceiling and a chandelier. You know what? Forget the chandelier. Too damn hard to clean. If this room needs more lighting we can just use some candles. After all, I just saw a convenient-placed candlestick laying around nearby.

3. Kitchen - As alluded to previously, the kitchen is one of those secret passage rooms. Awesome. The kitchen is a great place to kill someone. Why? Knives. The ultimate solution to clue is "Mrs. White, in the Kitchen, with the Dagger."  It's so perfect because Mrs. White is the domestic servant character (and would thus likely work in the kitchen), and the kitchen probably has a lot of knives in it. I know if I found Mr. Boddy laying dead with a knife in the back in the kitchen, Mrs. White would be suspect #1. Unless it was someone else trying to make it LOOK like Mrs. White. Damn you're clever, Colonel Mustard. Trying to throw everyone off by not using your crazy pirate revolver!

Oh me? Just CHILLIN' IN MY
PRIVATE HOME LIBRARY!

2. Library - If I ever have a mansion, which I likely will not, it will ABSOLUTELY have a library in it. In fact, if I ever own any house I'm just doing to make sure it has a library. Lots of dark wood paneling, wall to wall bookshelves, a nice comfortable chair and couch. Some tables. Yeah. I'd spend all my time here. Who needs a separate Study when you can just study in the library? This is another one of those situations where I'd knock down a wall with the Study (they are next to each other) and just make a bigger library. I probably don't have enough books to fill a library, but I'm sure I can solve that problem. Maybe go to some white elephant sales. Or find out where all those restaurants get their books from. You know how a lot of restaurants have old books on shelves in them for ambiance? Where the hell do all those books come from? Also like the study... this is a great place to commit a murder! You just sneak up on someone reading their book and kill 'em. Just don't use the revolver. Too loud. This is a library, for God's sake. SHHHHHH!!!!

1. Conservatory - You are absolutely a one-percenter if you have a Conservatory in your house. How awesome is that? You have a mansion large enough to essentially have a greenhouse inside of your actual house. I see this place as being lined with glass walls, with some temperature controls in it, maybe some plumbing built in that include misters that occasionally mist all of the rare, expensive orchids in it. I don't even like orchids. But if I was rich enough to have a conservatory, I would simply HAVE to include orchids in the room. The conservatory would need to be facing the back of the mansion though, not the front. I don't need everyone to be all in my business with those glass walls. Wait... this is the second time I've used the term "glass walls" in this paragraph and I'm just now realizing the word I should be using is "window." Whatever.  The point is, this being at the back of the house also is more convenient for installing its secret passage and making sure that any murders that happen in it go unseen.

Well, there you have it folks. Now you see that Mrs. Scarlet killing someone in the Conservatory with the Candlestick is probably about as good as life can get. I mean, except for Mr. Boddy. Because he'd be murdered. 

Ed Ranks Clue Weapons

Part II of III. 

Remember that Clue thing from last time? Uh huh. Well, now we're talking about the weapons. Like the suspects, there are six of them.

How does this old thing still even work?

6. Revolver - Isn't it just a bit impersonal to kill a person with a gun? All the other weapons require some actual physical contact with the person. Stabbing. Blunt force trauma. Choking the last breaths of life out of them.  Those seem like much more cool ways to kill people. Plus guns are super loud. How are you going to secretly kill someone with loud gun bang?  No sir, if you want to murder Mr. Boddy, I highly recommend you look elsewhere in the mansion and find a much more awesome weapon.  Besides, the revolvers they use in this game look like some type of old-time pirate weapon. Is Mr. Boddy supposed to be the Captain of a Spanish galleon? If not, I'm not sure what you're doing killing him with this thing.

5. Rope - I gotta give the rope credit for being visually interesting and different. While all the other weapon tokens in the game were made from metal - the rope was made from white plastic. Still, rope doesn't seem like the most effective murder weapon. Suicide? Sure! Hanging is a great way to kill yourself if that's how you want to end it all. But to kill someone else? First you have to get that rope around their neck. How are you going to do that? And are you strong enough to strangle them with the rope? Will the rope snap first? If you want to hang them - do you have a good, high-up space to drop them from? Sure, it's easy to hang someone when you have the law on your side and a bunch of old west deputies to make sure that the hang-ee doesn't escape. But when you're alone and committing a murder... this simply seems like too much work.

Very sleek looking. It would look even sleeker... in someone's back!

4. Dagger - See? This has that personal touch that the revolver just doesn't. If you want to murder someone, you might as well go up to them with a long, sharp thrusting weapon and just stab the hell out of them until they die. Watch out, this is going to get messy pretty quickly. You might want to wear a rain jacket or something.

3. Wrench (aka "Spanner") - I think every time I see a monkey or pipe wrench in real life, I think about Clue. Do I think about adjusting hex nuts, bolts or sockets? No. Do I think about installing a new shower head in the bathroom to get some more water pressure? No. Do I think about fixing my car? No. Do I think about the wrench being caked in day-old dry blood on the floor of a conservatory, laying next to a cold corpse? ABSOLUTELY.

2. Lead Pipe - There is just something stone cold about grabbing a lead pipe and beating someone to death with it. As you can see from these highest ranked weapons, I really seem to have a thing for blunt force trauma to the head.  Also, the original UK game apparently used real lead in the lead pipe game piece. You know, lead... the thing that poisons you when you stick in in your mouth. Yeah, so this game piece probably did lead to a couple of killings.

FUN!

1. Candlestick - There is just something so awesome about murdering some old, rich man in a mansion with a candlestick. I'm not quite sure what it is. For one, it's probably the fact that only old, rich men with mansions even have candlesticks.  Do you have a candlestick in your home? Who the hell has candlesticks? As far as I'm concerned, the only purpose of a candlestick is to be used to beat some rich person to death in a mansion full of secret passages. Every time I see Lumière in Beauty and the Beast, I assume the Beast is just one minute away from grabbing him and beating Cogsworth to death. 

Ed Ranks Clue Suspects

Part I of III.

Clue, also known as Cluedo in the UK, is a murder mystery board game. Surely you've heard of it, right? I already ranked board games way back near the beginning of this blog. Get with the picture, people! There was a movie with Tim Curry in it!

Anyway, it has six characters who are suspects in the murder of Mr. Boddy (aka Dr. Black).  These are those suspects, ranked:

6.  Mrs. Peacock - Nobody likes Mrs. Peacock. Who wants to play as Mrs. Peacock? She's some elderly grand dame that wears a bunch of tweed and stuff. She's definitely the type of old lady who married into money years ago and then killed her husbands so that she could marry into more money. I BET SHE DID IT!

5. Mrs. White - She's generally always depicted as some sort of guilty-looking servant. Like a cook or a maid or something. I bet she has a ton of motive to kill Mr. Boddy. Remember the old mystery cliche "the butler did it"? Well... here you go... Mrs. White. She's the help. She's probably shitting in your pie right now.  If we were ranking this by the Clue movie alone (which I'm not), then she'd obviously be much higher. Why? Because in the movie she's Madeline Fucking Kahn. And she sort of steals a lot of those "black widow" vibes in the movie that I associate with Mrs. Peacock in the board game. Except younger and hotter because she was Madeline Kahn.

4. Professor Plum - I generally played as this guy. Why? Because he's Purple and that's the best color. And because I had an older brother and I'm sure my older brother would claim dibs on Colonel Mustard.  Like Mrs. White - this is a character who is super cool in the movies because he's played by Dr. Emmett Brown. I'm sure Dr. Emmett Brown has a real name or something, but who cares. It's Doc Brown. In the board game, Professor Plum is generally the smart, intellectual college professor with the pipe and bow tie. You can tell this sneaky fuck is up to no good.

Tim Curry makes the popped collar look good. 

3. Reverend / Mr. Green - This suspect is definitely a lot more interesting in the British version of the game than in the US version.  In the UK, he's Reverend Green - an Anglican priest. How cool is it that a Reverend is a murder suspect?  He's so bad with that whole "Thou Shall Not Kill" commandment thing.  Alas, in the U.S. the people at Parker Brothers figured that American audiences weren't yet ready for a killer Reverend. For that reason, in the U.S. he was depicted as more of a slick suit-wearing mobster-type. In the movie he was Mike McKean, so that's cool, right?  There he was given a different spin as a blackmailed homosexual and/or a secret FBI agent. I guess it depends on which ending you prefer (recommendation: THAT ENDING!).

2. Colonel Mustard - I learned the word "Colonel" from this character. Obviously the first thing I thought to myself as a child was, "Why the hell is it spelled like that if it's pronounced Ker-null?"  I'm sure my parents had to then explain to me how all the rules regarding the English language that the teachers taught me at school should often just be ignored. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE POINT -- this awesome dude is like that English game hunter from the early 20th Century that you can imagine going to Africa, killing all sorts of giant, endangered animals, and laughing about it years later as he drinks whisky out of his decanter while in a smoke-filled lounge. This guy will ALWAYS be English in my head with the stiff upper lip, monocle, and grand mustache. I don't even think about Martin Mull when I think of the Clue movie. I just replace the image in my head with that guy who played Captain Peacock in Are You Being Served? Which is odd, because that guy's name is Peacock and not Mustard. Wouldn't I confuse him with Mrs. Peacock instead? No, of course not. That's dumb.

1.  Miss Scarlett - The sexy femme fatale of Clue. You just know this chick likes to murder, don't you? Hence the "fatale" part of "femme fatale."  In the very first edition in the UK in the 1940s she was a young, blonde bombshell.  In the 1972 US version (the one that I grew up with) she was an Asian woman wearing a black dress and smoking a cigarette through a long cigarette holder. In the 1980s movie she was Lesley Anne Warren and she was being blackmailed because she was a sarcastic madame in charge of a high-roller escort service. I mean what character is cooler than that? 

Ed Ranks Olsens

There are a ton of Olsens out there. I can't rank every single one of them.  Here are ten Olsens, ranked:

10. Mary-Kate Olsen - When Heath Ledger's body was found by a masseuse (weird)... the first person the masseuse called was not the police, but Mary-Kate Olsen (also weird).  What's up with that? Was Mary-Kate Olsen part of some crazy conspiracy to kill Heath Ledger? Damn you, Mary-Kate fore preventing us from A Knight's Tale 2.

9. Scott Olsen - Pitcher for the Florida Marlins. Meh.

8. Ashley Olsen - Mary-Kate's twin sister, so pretty much the same, right? I can't rank them that far apart. This one didn't murder Heath Ledger though. ALLEGEDLY!!!  There, now I assume I can't be sued?

7. John Olsen - He was the 42nd Premier of South Australia. Did any of the people below on this list become Premiers of South Australia? No!

6. Susan Olsen - Cindy Brady on The Brady Bunch. Remember? The youngest one in curls.

5. Merlin Olsen - Hall of Fame NFL American football player and TV color commentator. Solid career. Plus an awesome name.

4. Bjørnar Olsen - Speaking of awesome names, this guy only gets ranked because his name is  Bjørnar!!!! Holy crap, how cool of a name is that? Who is this guy? Some Norwegian archaeologist or something.

3. Ole Olsen - A Danish speedway rider and three-time World Champion. 

2. Jimmy Olsen - Can I rank a fictional character mixed up with real people? Sure.  This is Superman's buddy who works for the Daily Planet.

1. Elizabeth Olsen - Scarlet Witch, who has no culpability in the murder of Heath Ledger [ALLEGEDLY!!!], like her sisters. Still, it's weird that she and Aaron Taylor-Johnson played brother-and-sister and then husband-and-wife in back-to-back movies, right?

Ed Ranks Batman's Rogues Gallery

A couple of notes first:

• Deathstroke the Terminator? Yeah, he's awesome but he's technically more of a Teen Titans rogue.
• Joe Chill, Salvatore "The Boss" Maroni, and all those other common criminals/gangsters?  I'm not ranking them.  They're bad guys but they're not really, "rogues," are they? 
• Vandal Savage? Awesome AF, but I'd say he's a Green Lantern rogue more than a Batman rogue. 

So, here we go: 

Behold: A Stupid Character

25. Man-Bat - Awful. Can you imagine if Spider-Man had an enemy named ManSpider? If Wonder Woman had an enemy named WomanWonder? If Professor X had an enemy named XProfessor? 

24. Solomon Grundy - This is Frankenstein. Batman is fighting Frankenstein. DC Comics wasn't even trying.  Hugo Award-winning science fiction author Alfred Bester is credited with creating Grundy. Do you know who really created him? Mary Shelley. Because it's Frankenstein.

23. Black Mask - Another copycat... this time a fake Red Skull (but BLACK instead of RED!). How lame was this guy? He never even appeared in Batman: The Animated Series. And they dug deep and put, like, EVERY character into that show. 

22. Victor Zsasz - Created in the 1990's. He doesn't even have a cool code name. Similar to how wrestlers stopped having cool names like "The Undertaker" and "The Rock" and just went by their actual names like "Brock Lesnar." BORING. He's barely even a "rogue" and I almost left him off the list. 

21. Firefly - A boring pyromaniac. In about 5 minutes I could create a more interesting pyromaniac character with a better backstory. My made up character would definitely be a lady and when she sets shit ablaze she rocks YOU-KNOW-WHAT song by The Cult. That's right, you guessed it, Love Removal Machine. 

20. Calendar Man - Lame, cheesy 1950’s villain that’s only interesting or relevant to anyone these days because his somewhat "gritty reboot"-like reemergence in The Long Halloween. That limited series is critically acclaimed and was one of the key inspirations for Chris Nolan's Batman Trilogy. You know what character was removed when adapting that inspiration into those great films? Worthless, boring Calendar Man, that's who. 

19. Hush - Don't you hate it when a series introduces a brand new character and tries to make it seem like that character has been around all along?  In 2003 "Hush" was launched as a limited series and Bruce Wayne all of a sudden had a best friend since childhood that we're supposed to pretend always existed like when they added Dawn to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Then... WHAT A TWIST... that Bruce Wayne best friend is revealed to secretly be a villain! This could have all been done much better if they had actually taken an established character that was a good guy / ally of Batman and been willing to turn them evil. But then again, the whole "Batman's old friend is now his enemy" character already exists with TwoFace/Harvey Dent-- rendering this Hush guy completely worthless. 

Quake in fear, purveyors of organic textiles!

18. Killer Moth - Does the idea of a moth inspire fear for anyone? The only hero who should have a moth in their rogues gallery should be a  hero named "The Dressmaker." This shit character was created for the 60's Batman TV show and was meant to debut both in the TV show and comics around the same time. But the TV episode was never actually aired. Can you imagine how bad a villain must be if the 1960's Batman producers were like, "Nah... this guy is too campy. Let's do King Tut and Lord Marmaduke Ffogg instead." 

17. Ventriloquist - What would the world be like if Edgar Bergen was an evil bank robber who committed crimes with his imaginary, hand-controlled sidekick, Charlie McCarthy? Nobody cares. Nobody has cared about ventriloquists for over half a century. Most people reading this likely have no idea who Edgar Bergen is. This straight up seems like a terrible 1950's Batman villain... and yet shockingly this character debuted the same year that Die Hard and Beetlejuice came out. Because ideas for new rogues are HARD. 

16. Clayface - Clayface never sat well with me as part of the Batman universe. Batman rogues were always more "real," like normal people who lead a life of crime in some silly costume. Clayface is like a magical, super-powered shape-shifter. 

15. Killer Croc - Kind of the same as above, but a little better since he's just got some odd genetic mutation that gives him scaled skin. Slightly more believable. 

14. Mad Hatter - Yes, another stolen character. So why am I not giving Mad Hatter as much shit for being stolen from Lewis Carroll / Alice in Wonderland as I'm giving Solomon Grundy for being a Frankenstein ripoff? Because at least they admit it's a ripoff and work it into the story. This character is just supposed to be a crazy guy who's obsessed with Alice and and quotes it all the time. If we can let Tom Petty get away with ripping this off for Don't Come Around Here No More then we can let DC comics slide on it too. 

See? Neckbeard.

13. Hugo Strange - AKA Dr. Neckbeard. Slightly boring, but at least he's one of Batman's original villains (he debuted in February 1940... two months BEFORE the Joker) and was the first in the comics to ever figure out, "Hey I've never seen this Batman guy at the same time as Bruce Wayne." Batman: The Animated Series also redefined him as the guy in charge of Arkham Asylum, which made him more interesting and finally helped to explain the whole, "How the hell do all these wackos keep getting released from Arkham?" problem in Batman.  Because the guy who runs it is also a crazy villain. Sweet. 

12. Deadshot - A sniper. He's good at shooting things from far away. Okay, sure. 

11. Scarecrow - Cillian Murphy is awesome in Batman Begins, but other than this cool adaption of Scarecrow, when was he ever THAT interesting? I guess the whole "fear" thing is cool, but don't get me started on how fucking lazy comic writers are in giving characters "real names." Scarecrow is named Johnathan Crane and was, according to DC comics lore, bullied as a child due to his resemblance to Ichabod Crane.  FIRST OF FUCKING ALL... isn't it a  convenient coincidence that he just happened to have the exact same last name? Second... Ichabod Crane is a fictional character from a short story written in 1820. How many children make fun of other children by alluding to 19th century speculative fiction from a collection of 34 essays by Washington Irving? Those are some educated-ass bullies who tormented him. Obviously he went to a private school. Were the bullies also like, "Hahaha, you are physically unattractive as Hephaestus was described by Homer as in The Iliad 18.397."  How do these kids even know what Ichabod Crane looks like to say that Johnathan looked like him? Are they basing their comparison on Disney's 1949 film The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad? I really doubt any kid looks like that. The only person that looks like that is Prince Charles. 

Ouch.

10. Bane - Like the above, was never really that interesting until Chris Nolan made him interesting. He was just a steroided up Luchadore.  

9. Ra's al Ghul - Hey, this guy has a pit that can regenerate him like Wolverine! Oh wait... wrong comic company. 

8. Riddler - The concept of a rogue who leaves riddles as clues at his crime scenes is at least interesting. The riddles are quite often terrible though. And I don't always mean in a "bad pun" way (although sometimes I do) - but sometimes the riddles are super easy (yet Batman struggles with them) or super hard/obscure (and Batman somehow figures them out instantly).  Let's take shitty Batman Forever as an example: "If you look for numbers on my face, you won't find thirteen any place." It's a clock. Easy! Batman doesn't have to be a super detective to figure that out.  An eight year old can figure that one out. But then the movie also has that TOTAL BULLSHIT riddle with the numbers 13, 18 and 5 representing M, R and E.  The 13th, 18th and 5th letters of the alphabet correspond to M, R and E. Corresponding numbers to letters is easy and not that challenging. Sure, Batman could do that pretty quickly. Yet from those three fucking letters, Batman is somehow able to deduce that M, R and E stand for "Mr. E," which sounds like "mystery," and one synonym for mystery is "enigma." Therefore the villain must be "E. Nigma," which just happens to be short for "Edward Nigma" - the identity of the Riddler.  By the way, this is also another terrible example of a coincidental and convenient name. OH, THE GUY WHO MAKES RIDDLES JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE THE BIRTH NAME OF E. NIGMA! WOW!  Seriously though, that last riddle makes no fucking sense. Here is a similar deduction using the same bullshit, random, illogical "logic:" M-R-E must stand for "Meal, Ready-to-Eat," a lightweight packaged meal given to US military members on deployment. A synonym for M-R-E is "Field Ration." Therefore the villain must be named "F. Ration! Quick Robin, to the phone book to arrest anyone with that name!" 

7. Penguin - No way anyone has a nose that looks anything like this. I'd say that having an umbrella as a weapon is lame... but I'll be honest... every time I held an umbrella as a child I used to pretend I could shoot gas or bullets at people with it because the Penguin. So I guess that's cool. 

So. Much. Leather.

6. Catwoman - Someone who took the "cat burglar" thing a little too literally. IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, SELENA KYLE! And the way she dresses isn't really that practical for committing crimes. Who commits crimes in tight leather? Doesn't the leather squeak and cause too much noise for stealth? However, her outfit is practical for earning several hundred dollars-an-hour to sexually dominate middle-aged businessmen. If you ask me, that sounds like a more stable and profitable line of work than stealing jewelry. And isn't it a bit sexist that a female villain always wants to steal jewelry? 

5. Poison Ivy - Awesome! She's like an aggressive PETA person but with plants instead of animals. The Uma Thurmon version was terrible though, and let us never speak of it again. 

4. Harley Quinn - Proof that a character created in recent history can actually wind up being awesome. Only created for the animated series in the 1990s, this character was the Joker's psychiatrist - who the joker slowly drove crazy over time until she was even nuttier than him. And while the classic "court jester" costume from the animated series with jingling bells is certainly iconic, I didn't see too many people object to the Margot Robbie version that wore... uhh... considerably less. 

ICE-Y WHAT YOU DID THERE.

3. Mr. Freeze - Old school Mr. Freeze is a pretty lame rogue and a "joke" villain. But beginning in the 1990's, the comics and animated series began to simultaneously make him more of a tragic figure and brilliant cryogenicist looking for a cure for his terminally-ill wife, Nora. The New Batman Adventures episode "Cold Comfort" is probably one of the most gripping, interesting stories about the downfall of a desperate and morally conflicted man that was ever produced. It's essentially a twenty-something minute version of "Breaking Bad" but with a blue freeze ray instead of blue meth. Oh, and also he turns into a robot spider.  Wouldn't it have been sweet if Brian Cranston turned into a robot spider at the end of Breaking Bad? The addition of the tragedy trope to the Mr. Freeze story made him much more interesting. Even the awful Batman & Robin film tried to use this rebooted depiction of Mr. Freeze - although they should have used an actor with a little more gravitas and subtlety than Arnold Schwarzenegger if they wanted to do it right.  Just imagine how well this character could be done in a Chris Nolan universe with a good actor and dynamic script? It would be up there with the Molina Doc Ock. 

2. Two-Face - Harvey Dent is awesome for the same reason the Mr. Freeze update was awesome - he's a tragic figure and fallen hero. Dent was the Gotham District Attorney who helped to put away the bad guys. Then he's deformed in a way that splits his face/body in half and turns into a villain. As part of the "half" gimmick he flips a coin. Everything is decided by random 50/50 chance. In the comics (and Batman Forever) the deformity is caused by a gangster throwing acid on his face in court. In the animated series, he's Bruce Wayne's best bud for a number of episodes with a repressed dissociative identity disorder that is set free after an explosion at a chemical plant scars half of his body. As always, the Nolan Batman Trilogy probably told the story best when they adapted the Joker's The Killing Joke story from the comics and adopted it so that the Joker drove good-guy Harvey Dent into madness. Whatever origin story for Dent you think is the best, the end result is cool-looking, interesting rogue who is obsessed with chance and fate. 

1. Joker - This is sort of obvious, isn't it? 

Ed Ranks Things for Astronauts to Do while Waiting for a Rocket Launch

I know this ranking will have limited use to most readers given that A) you're probably not an astronaut, and B) the American Space Shuttle program was discontinued in 2011 and therefore even if you are an astronaut there aren't very many chances to get launched into space.

Still, you never know. This ranking might be useful for someone out there one day.

8. Smile politely at all the other astronauts around you and shrug your shoulders - You really don't have much else to do, do you?

7. Ask for a bathroom break - Fun fact! If you're all strapped into the shuttle/rocket and you suddenly need to go, all you have to do is ask and they have to stop the countdown and let you out.  It's certainly an option, but avoid it if possible. This will really piss off the hundreds of other people working at Mission Control and cost the government millions of dollars.

6. Go to Ron Jon Surf Shop in nearby Cocoa Beach - This one assumes you're launching from Cape Canaveral and depends on how long you have to wait until the launch. If this is just a 30 minute delay or so, you obviously won't have time to do this. But if the weather is bad and the launch might get pushed off a whole day or more... then now might be the perfect time to consider buying one of those "Mr. Zog's Sex Wax®" shirts.

5. Befriend an alligator - And if indeed you are in Cape Canaveral there are lots of Alligators there. You probably need a pen pal anyway.

4. Finally write than screenplay you've been thinking about - This one is self explanatory.

3. Catch up on Karruche Tran's Instagram feed - Satellite reception is probably going to be bad up there in space, so now is your chance to like all of her pictures.  Yeah, I know it sounds contradictory that satellite reception would be worse in space considering that's where the satellites are! But the satellites are POINTED at Earth, so you need to factor that in.

2. Do everything you can to avoid thinking about Soyuz 1, Soyuz 11, STS-51-L, and STS-107 - Try not to think about these at all when you're strapped in your chair and ready to launch. You'll be a nervous wreck.

1. Call Your Mom - You never call enough and she wants to hear from you.

Ed Ranks Other Things "Ta-Nehisi Coates" Could Be

"Coates" is pronounced "kōts," so technically if you walked into the middle of a conversation about "Ta-Nehisi Coates" and you had never heard of him before, you could assume something else.  Here are some options.

10. Houses for pigeons - Don't get me wrong here.  A "cote" (yes, pronounced kōt) is an archaic word meaning a shelter for mammals or birds. It's derived from the same old words for dwellings that gave us "cottage." But in the unlikely chance you ever hear "cote" used in the modern day, it's likely referring to a shelter for pigeons. Yeah, I know... most people just say "coop." A "Ta-Nehisi" could easily be some fancy breed of pigeon, couldn't it? And therefore "Tanehisi Cotes" could refer to houses for these unique pigeons.

See how this list is going to go?  If you didn't like that then I can assure you... it doesn't get any better from here.

9. A country or something, right? - No, it's not. You're thinking of Côte d'Ivoire.

A fine Moroccan dish served at Ta-Nehisi Coates Restaurant.

8. A Moroccan-French restaurant - Similar to the above, you know that "Coates" sounds like the French "Côte" (meaning "coast"). But you also know that "Ta-Nehisi" doesn't sound French at all. What the hell is that? Probably African, right? Where did the French colonize Africa? Morocco or something?  Let's go with a Moroccan-French Restaurant. Maybe it serves seafood and that's why it mentions the French word for coast?

7. That New Zealand actor who is in everything - Could "Ta-Nehisi" be a Māori name? I suppose it could. But you're probably thinking about Cliff Curtis. Don't feel ashamed for mixing this guy up with someone of a different race. That's what Hollywood does in almost everything he's in.

6. An upmarket hummus brand - Ta-Nehisi Coates could certainly be a Levantine chickpea and tahini spread. I mean Ta-Nehisi sounds so much like Ta-Hini.

5. Waterproofing wood protector for your deck - Apply just one coat of Ta-Nehisi© and you'll seal and prevent water damage to wood, concrete and brick. It allows wood to gray naturally. Wipe surface dry after 5-10 minutes.

4. Coat-of-arms for an Egyptian family - Okay, if you thought this then I guess you at least get partial credit. You were somehow smart enough to know that "Ta- Nehesy" was the general designation that the Egyptians called Nubia. But if you were smart enough to know that then you should have already known who the hell Ta-Nehisi Coates was. So you know what? On second thought - no partial credit. 

3. Descriptor for a snowy mountain - Just look at those beautiful coats of snow on the proud Ta-Nehisi Mountain, the tallest of all the peaks in northern Sudan.

Behold a Western Tanehisi and its fabulous spotted coat. 

2. Fur of an animal - Similar to #10 above, a "Ta-Nehisi" could easily be some type of exotic animal you haven't heard of before. Nobody knows ALL of the animals! I mean had you ever heard of a "Gerenuk" before? Or a "Whenisu?" Or a "Sunda Colugo?" Well, one of those three I just made up and the other two are real. See how hard it is to know all the animals?  Maybe a Tanehisi is just some type of wild cat with a beautiful, spotted fur coat.

1. A fashionable winter garment - In this case you just thought "Coates" was "coats" like a jacket that you wear when it's cold.  Only this coat is from some Project Runway designer who gave it a fancy, evocative, foreign-sounding name to try to impress the judges. Nice try, but Nina Garcia will not fall for your bullshit.