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| Boring, but still better than Battleship |
Eh, Chess is just sort of dull to me. I know it's supposed to be this amazing game that we program computers to play. I know people put together chess problems as complex tactical puzzles to solve. Maybe I'm just not a fan because I would always lose at it. It's coolness could certainly be beefed up if it reverted back to its original Chaturanga and Shatranj versions - when it was more clearly a game of warfare. The Queen was a General, the Bishops were War Elephants, the Rooks Were Chariots. Good times.
Kinda the Same Game: Checkers, AKA Draughts. This is the version for stupid people.
9. Candy Land
Candy Land is fun, even though it starts to lose its appeal after you stop being 8. Still, I think it evokes strong childhood memories for most people. Although we as a society have obviously moved on to have more delicious desserts than the ones that were popular when this game was first made in the 40s. Gingerbread, licorice, molasses and peppermint? Uh, no thanks. I want to know where the Kit Kat forest is. And it's sort of annoying that no skill comes into play, as victory is determined just by drawing cards. I guess that helps even things out for kids who are playing, so that everyone can win about equally. Lame.
Kinda the Same Game: Chutes and Ladders is sort of another "race to finish first" game where random chance (roll of the die, in this case) determines victory over any skill.
8. Scrabble
I'm sort of bad at spelling, and also bad at thinking of words. This makes Scrabble often frustrating, but still worthy of inclusion here. There's a lot of great strategy you can use in this game since the tiles have different values, and the different spaces on the board can double or triple the letter or word. Although playing the game typically always will include at least one or two sessions arguing about whether something is an actual word or not. It's best for a gentleman's agreement before you start playing as to whether proper nouns and swear words are acceptable. And you must all agree to put away cell phones as Scrabble cheating websites and apps are totally a thing.
Kinda the Same Game: There are several digital copycats to this game (Yahoo's now defunct Literati, the Words with Friends app), but for actual classic board games that were similar? Uh... I guess Boggle was also about making words in a grid, right?
7. Trivial Pursuit
Trivial Pursuit is great because I absolutely kick ass in useless trivia. I generally dominated everyone I played in this game, unless I was playing some weird specific branded version about a topic I knew nothing about. But in general, when playing the normal version (geography, entertainment, history, arts, science, sports) I could rarely be stopped. Which is why people stopped playing it with me. Of course, these types of games always lose their value as you repeat play more and more, as you've already seen all the cards after a while. Although I guess it's a good way to get people to constantly buy the new version.
Kinda the Same Game: As with Scrabble, this one has a million digital copycats. And there are tons of trivia games without the board element. If you want to interact with actual human beings, just go to a pub quiz.
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| Your life might end before this game ends. |
Yeah, of course this is the most famous of board games after chess, and it's probably gotta be one of the best selling ones too. It was originally supposed to be educational about single tax theory - and actually demonstrate to people the negative aspects about land acquisition and private monopolies. But it, of course, captured the imagination for the exact wrong reasons that the inventors were hoping for, and Monopoly has become the beloved game it is because it so perfectly represents America's absolute love affair with cutthroat capitalism. So many aspects of it are iconic - the board, the colorful money, the pieces, the "get out of jail" card, passing go, and so on. If I have one complaint about Monopoly (and this is what knocks it down several spots) is that it's just too damn long. It takes a million years to actually complete the game. Generally what happens is that it's clear one player has gotten a pretty good lead by hour 3, so everyone else just quits because it's time to move on with their lives.
Kinda the Same Game: Monopoly is THE definition of a game with an uncountable number of clones, both licensed and unlicensed. You can absolutely get Whatever You Want-Opoly out there if you look hard enough.
5. Mouse Trap
Mouse Trap was fun, kinetic, colorful, and 3D!!! It is most children's introduction to Rube Goldberg devices, and it captures the imagination. I sort of wish I had a copy of this game right now, because I want to play it. All in all, it's not that different from other race-to-win games with no decision making (like Candy Land above), but then again it's for kids so it shouldn't be that complex. If I have one complaint it's that it's exactly the opposite of Monopoly with regard to length. I vaguely recall a game of Mouse Trap takes like four minutes, and then it's just done.
Kinda the Same Game: I just said it was like Candy Land. There were also apparently other similar Rube Goldberg-style games called Crazy Clock Game and Fish Bait in the 60s. And children of the 90s will fondly recall The Incredible Machine on their PCs.
4. Risk
Why settle for having a monopoly over the real estate business in Atlantic City when you can instead set your goals to include WORLD DOMINATION? Bring out your inner desire for Colonial dominance over Earth with this fun little game where you march armies across territories. Just make sure you get the version with actual cool troop pieces that look like troops, rather than those lame little plastic caltrops.
Kinda the Same Game: Risk is like Monopoly in that it has a million licensed versions. But if you want to play a game like Risk but also feel that Monopoly goes by too quickly... then what you're looking for is Axis and Allies. It's about twenty times more complicated with shit like bases and industrial complexes, and good luck finishing a game in 40 hours. Another downside? Since it's set in World War II, somebody has to play as the Nazis. And how bad do you feel if you do that and you win?
3. The Game of Life
A game that simulates every stage of life, but also conveniently whitewashes away the really terrible parts like death, so that's good! Is this game supposed to teach people that their success in life will be entirely due to random circumstances as if they were spinning a wheel or drawing a card? Because that's actually a pretty stunningly accurate and depressing metaphor for how random chance ruins or enhances our lives. Not to depress you or anything. I guess ending on "Millionaire Acres" is more appealing than ending on a cold, dark hole in the ground.
Kinda the Same Game: Careers is sort of the same game where you have to follow different life paths.
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| Things to murder people with. Fun! |
Clue (AKA Cluedo) is such a fantastic game. What other game includes a brutal murder, a dead body, loads of weapons, dubious suspects, a mansion, and a whole lot of secret passages? This game can be played over and over and over again and never stops being fun. As a child I imagined that my own house had secret passages in it too. And this game is so good that it's the only game that has ever produced a decent movie about it - because it's one of the only ones worthy of it. Battleship? Please. Don't make me vomit all over myself.
Kinda the Same Game: Remember how I just asked what other game included things like murder and mansions? 13 Dead End Drive is your answer.
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| Vul-Kar demands your scorched corpse as a sacrifice. |
This sweet ass game with a three dimensional board was just the absolute best. From everything I can tell, this game has been discontinued forever and I have no idea why. For those not blessed with being familiar with this game - you're on a tropical island and you're trying to steal a jewel and escape with it while avoiding the wrath of the angry god Vul-Kar, whose idol can spit fireballs at you. In addition to being such a visually appealing and kinetic game, it also has complex game dynamics that involve rolling dice and drawing cards. You can try to take out your opponents and miss, and you can also engage in strategies which involve taking out yourself as collateral damage along with your opponent. I used to play imaginary Fireball Island in my back yard and the street outside, pretending that my basketball was the fireball and throwing it at people or rolling it around. This is a game that absolutely needs to come back and bless future generations of children. And it's also a game that could easily be converted into an amazing movie. Will it be a little bit of an Indiana Jones copycat? Sure, but then again the game was also a bit of that.
Kinda the Same Game: There is no game like Fireball Island. Mouse Trap has some of the same 3D and kinetic elements, but it's not in the same ballpark.
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