Ed Ranks the Marshmallow Shapes in Lucky Charms

8. Hourglass

That yellow abomination is supposed to be an hourglass? I thought maybe it was a pot of gold or something, but not really a good pot of gold. It's an odd, uneven yellow blob with a small orange blob inside of it. Have the people who designed this actually ever seen an hourglass before?

7. Shooting Stars

Okay, I get what you were trying to go for here, but it only works if you assume that stars are orange at that the night sky is white. Yes. A white sky. Or is that white supposed to represent some cosmic dust trail? Either way, this horrible shape looks more like some type of infected tooth than anything else I could imagine.

6.  Balloons

Oh. That's supposed to be a balloon, huh?  The whole time I always wondered why half of the hearts were so oddly misshapen.

5. Clovers

The clover should be the best shape in Lucky Charms, but the clover isn't even a clover. It's a clover that's on a green leprechaun hat. Why don't they advertise this shape as a leprechaun hat? Because that's what it is. That would be like advertising the hourglass as "sand." Yes, there is sand in an hourglass, but the whole shape is (supposed to be) an hourglass. The same goes for this clover that is just a clover on a hat. Say it's a hat, damnit. What are you, General Mills? The General of the Army of Lies?  And how hard would it be to just make a damn clover shape? I'm pretty sure they used to.

4. Horseshoes

Yeah, it looks like a horseshoe. But that's pretty basic. It also looks like a "U",  so this could just be some leftover from a box of Marshmallow Alpha-Bits. And when have you ever seen a horse wearing purple horseshoes? Is this horse a 70's pimp?

3. Hearts

Yeah, it's a heart and it looks like a heart and it has the correct color that a heart should be depicted. And by that I mean the common depiction of a heart in art. Not an actual bloody human heart, which would be a little too graphic for me at 6:45 in the morning. Lucky Charms made the right decision here. Still, it's a bit boring and simple of a shape, right?

2. Blue Moons

This blue moon actually looks like a blue moon, which is a good thing. If I had any complaint, it's that the moon seems to have a nose. And yeah, I get it, little cartoon moons are often depicted with a nose. But why? It doesn't make any sense. What sort of strange double eclipse or binary star system do you have to be in to get some insane double shadow on the moon to allow this shape? I'm so confused. Why am I ranking this over Hearts again?

1. Rainbows

You promised a Rainbow, and you have achieved success. With how crappy your Hourglass and Shooting Star are, It's a surprise that you were able to make a marshmallow as dynamic as this. This is the only marshmallow that has three different colors, and it's still pulled off better than any of the simpler two-color or one-color marshmallows. There are always distinct lines and color separation between the blue, yellow, and pink. That makes me happy, so that I am able to eat my cereal in peace as I try not to think about how offensive it is that we just turn an entire nationality into a mascot and eat vaguely stereotypical shapes about them.

Just imagine how banned this cereal would
be if it were literally any other ethnicity.