5. Fencing
This is a sport where people battle each other with swords. Need I say anymore? No. And yet I will.
In it's current state, it is only the 5th best because several improvements could be made. For instance - those dingy little swords that bend? Replace them with medieval swords and armor. Or better yet - no armor. Then you're talking a #1 Olympic Event.
4. Table Tennis
Why does everyone like Beach Volleyball so much? Is it because Kerri Walsh Jennings is good? Is it because men like watching scantily clad tall fit ladies groan at each other in the sand (answer: yes, it is for this reason). And regular tennis? You can watch that any time and don't need to wait for the Olympics. But table tennis is the same concept as regular tennis and beach volleyball (e.g. two sides bouncing a ball back and forth over a net) except much more awesome because it's like a mad scientist with a shrink ray miniaturized it. And it's all played super fast. And don't you think it's totally awesome that you too can qualify for the Olympics by playing a game which is in your apartment's rec room and/or the local Dave and Busters? And by "qualify," I mean "qualify so that once you get to the Olympics you can immediately be destroyed by vastly superior Chinese players."
I argue that Foosball and Air Hockey be added to the 2020 games.
3. Track and Field
Yes, I know technically Track and Field is a whole bunch of different events and not just one sport, but let's just lump these all together as #3. Don't you hate those stupid sports where judges try to score people? They're always full of corruption and bribed officials. Didn't you hear about those wrestling judges that got thrown out of these Rio Olympics? And there is a ton of history to show past collusion in other Summer and Winter Olympic sports like Gymnastics and Figure Skating. Track and Field is something that doesn't suffer from that kind of nonsense because it's a real athletic event that's not open to interpretation or judging. You ran the fastest, you jumped the highest or furthest, etc. And Track and Field is quintessentially an Olympic Sport because you only watch it or care about it once every four years at the Olympics.What did Usain Bolt do between 2013 and 2015? You don't care, and nobody else does either. Not even in Jamaica.
2. Swimming
Swimming is sort of cool, right? But it's mostly just because Americans always win and Michael Phelps is awesome. Just like Track and Field, you only care about Swimming once every four years though, and that's during the Summer Olympics. And also like Track and Field, the point is basically just to be the fastest. Except it's in a pool, which automatically makes it better (see #1 below). Even when merman Phelps is gone, people will still love swimming because it's something that's easy to follow with simple rules and no room for "artistic interpretation" of how fast someone swam.
1. Handball / Water Polo
A
whole lot of the games are kind of just variations on
soccer (aka "football" in those strange parts of the world that use
metric and suffer from a distinct lack of freedom and American Exceptionalism). These are games with a court or field and some object
(typically, but not always, a ball) that you try to get back and forth to the net or goal.
American football, hockey, basketball, and so on. Handball is no
different in that respect, and yet it's awesome. You know how people watch soccer and say it was a really exciting game when
the score is 3-2 at the end? Well most handball games are super fast-paced
and have scores like 30-28.
Water
Polo is pretty much handball (and all those other almost-soccer sports)
except in a pool, which pretty much makes any
sport better. Just think about it. Archery, but in a pool. Wrestling,
but in a pool. Cycling, but in a pool. Taekwondo, but in a pool.
Badminton, but in a pool. Golf, but in a pool. Swimming, but in a pool.
Those all sound much better, right? Okay, so maybe that last one is a
poor example.
Between the two, Water Polo is better because why wouldn't it be? But mostly because it's in a pool. I mean just look above. Track and Field was ranked #3, and Swimming was ranked #2 because it's essentially just Track and Field in a pool. +Pool = better. This is a hard fact of life that you're all going to have to accept. Haven't you watched House Hunters?
The only improvement that could be made upon this sport is if there were sharks in the pool as well. I'm not saying aggressive Bull Sharks or anything. Nurse Sharks or Port Jackson Sharks would be just fine. It's essentially about the ambiance of having sharks. People shouldn't be allowed to hurt the sharks or anything, I'm not a monster.
 |
| Pictured: The way to make fencing the best sport ever. |
In it's current state, it is only the 5th best because several improvements could be made. For instance - those dingy little swords that bend? Replace them with medieval swords and armor. Or better yet - no armor. Then you're talking a #1 Olympic Event.
4. Table Tennis
Why does everyone like Beach Volleyball so much? Is it because Kerri Walsh Jennings is good? Is it because men like watching scantily clad tall fit ladies groan at each other in the sand (answer: yes, it is for this reason). And regular tennis? You can watch that any time and don't need to wait for the Olympics. But table tennis is the same concept as regular tennis and beach volleyball (e.g. two sides bouncing a ball back and forth over a net) except much more awesome because it's like a mad scientist with a shrink ray miniaturized it. And it's all played super fast. And don't you think it's totally awesome that you too can qualify for the Olympics by playing a game which is in your apartment's rec room and/or the local Dave and Busters? And by "qualify," I mean "qualify so that once you get to the Olympics you can immediately be destroyed by vastly superior Chinese players."
I argue that Foosball and Air Hockey be added to the 2020 games.
3. Track and Field
2. Swimming
Swimming is sort of cool, right? But it's mostly just because Americans always win and Michael Phelps is awesome. Just like Track and Field, you only care about Swimming once every four years though, and that's during the Summer Olympics. And also like Track and Field, the point is basically just to be the fastest. Except it's in a pool, which automatically makes it better (see #1 below). Even when merman Phelps is gone, people will still love swimming because it's something that's easy to follow with simple rules and no room for "artistic interpretation" of how fast someone swam.
1. Handball / Water Polo
Water
Polo is pretty much handball (and all those other almost-soccer sports)
except in a pool, which pretty much makes any
sport better. Just think about it. Archery, but in a pool. Wrestling,
but in a pool. Cycling, but in a pool. Taekwondo, but in a pool.
Badminton, but in a pool. Golf, but in a pool. Swimming, but in a pool.
Those all sound much better, right? Okay, so maybe that last one is a
poor example. Between the two, Water Polo is better because why wouldn't it be? But mostly because it's in a pool. I mean just look above. Track and Field was ranked #3, and Swimming was ranked #2 because it's essentially just Track and Field in a pool. +Pool = better. This is a hard fact of life that you're all going to have to accept. Haven't you watched House Hunters?
The only improvement that could be made upon this sport is if there were sharks in the pool as well. I'm not saying aggressive Bull Sharks or anything. Nurse Sharks or Port Jackson Sharks would be just fine. It's essentially about the ambiance of having sharks. People shouldn't be allowed to hurt the sharks or anything, I'm not a monster.
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