Ed Ranks the Top 10 Lists that He Will Never Do at Ed Ranks Everything

10. Ed Ranks Band-Aids that Nelly Should Wear

No matter how desperate I get for material for this blog, I absolutely never will put up a post that ranks a variety of Band-Aids that Nelly should put on his cheek. It doesn't matter whether I believe Disney Princesses, Dora the Explorer, Spider-Man, Sponge Bob, Batman, or Mickey Mouse would be the ultimate choice.

9. Ed Ranks Battles in the Crimean War

What ranks at the top? The Battle of Alma? The Seige of Kars? The Battle of Oltenița? The Battle of Balaclava? Does a higher death toll make it rank higher or lower? It doesn't matter, as I cannot forsee a situation in which I would rank such horrible human slaughter. It just wouldn't be right.

8. Ed Ranks the Anything Related to Race or Ethnicity

Just no. You should feel bad for even thinking it might be a good idea to do that.

7. Ed Ranks His Friends on Facebook

It seems like the damage to interpersonal relationships and other negative consequences that this would cause would far outweigh the minor comedic value that such a list would provide. Plus that list would be too long. The 64 crayons thing was already pushing it.

6. Ed Ranks the Twilight Novels

To properly rank these things, I would have to read them. Which is just a terrible idea.

5. Ed Ranks the Other Narcotics that Phillip Seymour Hoffman Could Have OD'ed On

Too soon. Have you no decency?

4. Ed Ranks the French Botanists Born in Montpellier

Everyone knows that Jacques Cambessèdes (26 August 1799 – 20 December 1863) was the best French botanist born in Montpellier, so making a list ranking him along with other French botanists born in Montpellier would just be a waste of everyone's time. That would be like making a list called "Ed Ranks Cocaine Snorting Mets Players" (#1 is Daryl Strawberry, duh - sorry Doc Gooden). The answer is too obvious. I know that a select few of you might be confused. You're probably saying, "Hey! What about Pierre Richer de Belleval? He was pretty good too!" But although Pierre Richer de Belleval was indeed the creator of the Jardin des plantes de Montpellier, France's first botanical garden, he was actually born in Châlons-en-Champagne. Don't be embarrassed by your mistake. It's one that anyone could have made. Try to not let the shame haunt you for the rest of your life.

So this is a thing that used to exist.

3. Ed Ranks Defunct College Football Bowl Games
This might not be too hard to do, and I can vaguely imagine a couple of jokes that I could make. But I simply do not care enough about college football to put any effort into such a ranking. Maybe this is the type of thing Univision will have Deadspin do in the future now that it has acquired it.

2. Ed Ranks Jeff Foxworthy's Jokes

Every Jeff Foxworthy joke is inherently terrible, so trying to assign a value to any of them is an exercise in futility.

1. Ed Ranks the Top 10 Lists that He Will Never Do at Ed Ranks Everything

Oh crap. Was this my #1 the whole time?  Now I've just undermined the entire point of this.