26 - Q. This letter seems hardly necessary. What function does it serve that couldn't be served just spelling a word with "cue" or a "kw" instead? I know you might have that god/alien from Star Trek and that gadget guy from James Bond named after you, and that you're worth a lot in Scrabble, but that's not enough to move you up... even to 25.
25 - C. Speaking of which, I don't think we need both C's and K's either since they do the same thing too. If I had to sacrifice one, I'd get rid of C's because spelling all the C words with K's would be too kool for skool. I know this doesn't necessarily work for some of those "ch" situations like "charm," but whatever.
24 - V. Not to sound like a Russian or anything, but V and W might as well be the same letter too. Yeah, I know I can absolutely tell the difference between the consonant sounds, but I just don't care for V.
23 - U. Absolutely the worst vowel.
22 - W. Just because I don't like V doesn't mean I'm in love with W either. I can see why they saved these letters for near the end of the alphabet.
21 - P. Did you know that the Arabic language lacks the P consonant? They're not missing anything.
20 - G. It's just kinda boring. Even its NATO Phonetic, Golf, is boring.
19 - H. This one annoys me because a lot of British people call it "haitch."
18 - O. Not quite as bad a vowel as U, but still way below the other vowels.
17 - Y. Be a consonant or a vowel, Y. Just pick one and stop being so weird.
16 - N. Stop trying so hard to be like M. M will always be better.
15 - J. In the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an I.
14 - F. Even though the best swear word starts with F, it's just a middle-ground letter. Not bad, just okay.
13 - I. The middle vowel by alphabetic order is also the middle vowel in my rankings and sits right in the middle of this list.
12 - D. This letter is better than all of the letters that came before in this list, but not as good as the letters that will come after. And that is about all I have to say about D.
11 - L. About the same as D. It's just okay.
10 - Z. Zee (NOT Zed!) is pretty cool. It's not used that regularly and we threw it all the way at the end of the alphabet, but it punches above its weight. We should use it more. Don't try to tell me that "rose" shouldn't be spelled "roze" if you want to pronounce it like that.
9 - B. What a great letter. It's symbol has barely even changed from the old Greek Beta and Runic Berkanan.
8 - K. The letter K usually represents the voiceless velar plosive. I have no idea what that means, but I inherently trust in the peer review process of Wikipedia.
7 - T. It's the most commonly used consonant and the second most common letter in English language texts.
6 - M. It's a widely-used letter that looks like a refreshing wave of water.
5 - R. This is the sound that pirates make.
4 - X. Z may punch above its weight a little, but X is like a Flyweight knocking out a Heavyweight. Could you totally just replace it with "ecks?" Yeah, I guess. But why would you want to? X is Xciting and Xcellent and Xtreme to the maXXX.
3 - A. Vowels are totally necessary for language to work. And A is the second best of them and the third best letter overall. It comes first in the alphabet, so you pretty much have to learn this letter first.
2 - S. You can't make any noun plural without S, nor properly end 3rd person verbs.
1 - E. This is not only the best vowel, but the best letter. It's also the most frequently used letter in the English language. I mean the word "English" starts with it. It's probably most notable for its use in very important things like the beginning of two of the three words in "Ed Ranks Everything."
25 - C. Speaking of which, I don't think we need both C's and K's either since they do the same thing too. If I had to sacrifice one, I'd get rid of C's because spelling all the C words with K's would be too kool for skool. I know this doesn't necessarily work for some of those "ch" situations like "charm," but whatever.
24 - V. Not to sound like a Russian or anything, but V and W might as well be the same letter too. Yeah, I know I can absolutely tell the difference between the consonant sounds, but I just don't care for V.
23 - U. Absolutely the worst vowel.
22 - W. Just because I don't like V doesn't mean I'm in love with W either. I can see why they saved these letters for near the end of the alphabet.
21 - P. Did you know that the Arabic language lacks the P consonant? They're not missing anything.
20 - G. It's just kinda boring. Even its NATO Phonetic, Golf, is boring.
19 - H. This one annoys me because a lot of British people call it "haitch."
18 - O. Not quite as bad a vowel as U, but still way below the other vowels.
17 - Y. Be a consonant or a vowel, Y. Just pick one and stop being so weird.
16 - N. Stop trying so hard to be like M. M will always be better.
15 - J. In the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an I.
14 - F. Even though the best swear word starts with F, it's just a middle-ground letter. Not bad, just okay.
13 - I. The middle vowel by alphabetic order is also the middle vowel in my rankings and sits right in the middle of this list.
12 - D. This letter is better than all of the letters that came before in this list, but not as good as the letters that will come after. And that is about all I have to say about D.
11 - L. About the same as D. It's just okay.
10 - Z. Zee (NOT Zed!) is pretty cool. It's not used that regularly and we threw it all the way at the end of the alphabet, but it punches above its weight. We should use it more. Don't try to tell me that "rose" shouldn't be spelled "roze" if you want to pronounce it like that.
9 - B. What a great letter. It's symbol has barely even changed from the old Greek Beta and Runic Berkanan.
8 - K. The letter K usually represents the voiceless velar plosive. I have no idea what that means, but I inherently trust in the peer review process of Wikipedia.
7 - T. It's the most commonly used consonant and the second most common letter in English language texts.
6 - M. It's a widely-used letter that looks like a refreshing wave of water.
5 - R. This is the sound that pirates make.
4 - X. Z may punch above its weight a little, but X is like a Flyweight knocking out a Heavyweight. Could you totally just replace it with "ecks?" Yeah, I guess. But why would you want to? X is Xciting and Xcellent and Xtreme to the maXXX.
3 - A. Vowels are totally necessary for language to work. And A is the second best of them and the third best letter overall. It comes first in the alphabet, so you pretty much have to learn this letter first.
2 - S. You can't make any noun plural without S, nor properly end 3rd person verbs.
1 - E. This is not only the best vowel, but the best letter. It's also the most frequently used letter in the English language. I mean the word "English" starts with it. It's probably most notable for its use in very important things like the beginning of two of the three words in "Ed Ranks Everything." 
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