Ed Ranks His Fictional Rookies from Tony La Russa Baseball 3

The Tony La Russa Baseball franchise was a baseball simulator franchise back in the 1990's, and Tony La Russa Baseball 3 might have been the best of them all. I spent way too many hours playing these games back in the day. In addition to being able to play baseball games themselves, the even-more-fun thing for me was to take control of a franchise and manage as a GM.  In that, I'd control a team and  pick my lineup, trade players, retire players, scout the minor leagues, etc.

The game included real players thanks to a deal with the MLB Players Association (it didn't make a deal with the MLB itself though, so the team names are just generalized as city names). However, the concept of hiring new players from the minor leagues means that the game needed to also create fictional new rookie players from the minor leagues.

Feeling particularly nostalgic, I ran an online emulator and played two seasons though the GM mode and called up a bunch of new rookies to fill out my roster for a fictional version of the 1997 and 1998 Atlanta Braves, renamed as the "Atlanta Tomahawks" for purposes of my league because I decided to all give all the teams dumb, fake names.

Over the course of the two years, I have 20 fictional rookie players time to play. This is how they fared.

20 James Patterson (LF, R)

James Patterson had zero at bats and put up zero statistics for the entire season, as he spent most of the time in reserve status. I was swimming with LF talent, so there was no reason for this guy to play at all. It gave him plenty of time to write Alex Cross books though, I suppose.

19. Roy Hewitt (C/3B, R)

Real player and starting Catcher Javy Lopez basically played a stellar and injury-free year. Backup catcher Eddie Perez himself only got 22 ABs. Which means third-stringer Roy never got activated from the reserves and even after the roster opened up in September for reserve players to play, he still only got 1 AB. He got a hit in his one at bat though, so technically he's batting 1.000!

18. Steve Wheatman (3B, R)

Steve's notional minor league .319 batting average meant he had one of the best AVGs of any of my prospects, but with Chipper Jones at 3B and a number of other prospects who could also play at 3B, he simply never got enough playing time to prove himself. When all was said and done, he only had 4 plate appearances with one hit. If it were real life I would have probably traded him off to another team where he could get some game time.

17. Michael Dube (SS, R)

Dube began the season as my starting SS but he sucked hard and I quickly relegated him to the reserves, so he almost never played again. He hit a quite sucky .125.

16. Albert Andalkar (LF/RF, R)

Albert didn't get too much playing time, getting only 37 at bats and hitting .270. I had enough OFs and utility players that there was just no room for this guy to prove himself.

15. Ross Dutra (Long Relief Pitcher, R)

His minor league stats were good enough for a mid-season call-up (I didn't initially take him at the beginning of the season), but this guy was just a mess. The game sets "Endurance" levels for pitchers, and this guy had an endurance level of 6, meaning he could pitch about 6 innings before his arm is toast and he has to be benched. Because of that, I only ever used him in a long relief capacity and never tried to fill him in a starting role. The only thing he ever seemed to do in a relief role was blow games though. He ended the season with a 5.43 ERA and a 1-8 record. He would have absolutely been cut from the roster if I were to play another season.

14. Kenneth Chow (RF, R)

I had really high hopes for Kenneth Chow based on his minor league stats, and was confident enough in him to have him replace David Justice as the starting RF. He sort of sucked though, so I eventually pulled him as a starter and he was relegated to a pinch hitter and backup role. He wound up with 300 ABs and a .250 BA.

13. Emanuel Elder (Relief / Setup Pitcher, R)

Mr. Elder was a late-season call up as I struggled to get my team to make the playoff cut. I cut some pitcher from my roster to give this kid a chance and he did pretty well with his tiny amount of playing time. He only pitched 6 innings the whole season, but wound up with a 3.00 ERA, 4 strikeouts, and a 2-0 record. If I were to have played another season, I would have probably started him off as my #1 relief pitcher to give him some more playing time and see how he developed. The fault of him being ranked this low is entirely on me.

12. Richard Dipirro (1B/3B, S)

A switch-hitter, Dipirro started in a bench role as I trusted Fred McGriff to be my guy at 1B and I had way too many other qualified 3Bs. But McGriff didn't put up the stats that I wanted him to, so I gave Dipirro the starting position for a while. He wound up playing more than McGriff in the end, but I was never in love with him with is .269 BA and measly 6 HRs.

11. Russell Young (Setup Pitcher, R)

Russell didn't get any playing time until the roster expansion in September when reserve players are activated to play as well. He only got 11 innings in, but with that minimal playing time went 2-1 with a crazy good 0.82 ERA.  Now 11 innings isn't a statistically big enough number to say that his stats would have stayed that good. But given that performance, he would have been back the next year for sure.

10. David Lovett (Setup Pitcher, R)

David's stats were just fine. He pitched 50.2 innings, had a 3.91 ERA and even got himself a handful of saves in his Setup role. But he never did as well as fellow Setup man Branden Yeomens, so he was just there as a backup.

Who I would cast to play Alazar Magelssen

9. Alazar Magelssen (Starting Pitcher / Long Relief, L)

This guy absolutely had the coolest name of all of my fictional rookie players, and I had high hopes for him. He was the guy I initially set up to take the "fifth starter" spot in the power-filled Braves... ermm... "Tomahawks" starting rotation. His stats in the minors didn't look super amazing (4.12 ERA with an 8-8 record), but he looked to be my best shot at filling out my rotation over other candidates like Eric Lewis. In the end, he fizzled and by about two months into the season I pulled him into a relief role. I deactivated him to reserve status a little bit before the All-Star break in order to get other pitchers on my roster a chance to get some playing time. He wound up with a 5.91 ERA and a 2-3 record. A bit of a washout but I would have probably have kept him for another season for long relief to give him another chance. Just because his name is so cool.
8. Morris Kim (3B/1B, R)

Kim wound up getting 551 at bats, which is a lot more than I thought he would have because I was already so full on 3B and 1B guys. He usually filled in at one of those two spots, but I was never entirely thrilled with him. He finished with a .263 BA and 7 dingers.

7. Branden Yeomens (Setup Pitcher, R)

This guy's minor league stats made him look like he'd be the next coming of Dennis Eckersley. He had like fifty-something saves, which is crazy. However, instead of moving Branden right into the Closer spot I made him my Setup guy for Mark Wohlers, who was doing a solid job as the Closer. Branden had issues and was all over the place. Eventually he settled down and wound up with a 3.54 ERA and 10 saves. Mark Wohlers continued to outperform him though, so he kept his job and Branden would just have to settle with being the Setup guy rather than ever fulfilling his "next coming" indicators.

6. John Tyler (SS, OF/IF, R)

The worst-named of all of my players (sharing his name with a racist, un-elected US President) was going to always get a chance to prove himself and get substantial playing time in his rookie season. Why? Just look at the positions he can play. Basically EVERYTHING. This utility player could be popped in to basically ANY position. So despite the fact that he was never going to knock anyone's socks off with amazing stats (.244 BA, 1 HR, 16 SBs), he still got in 553 ABs and mainly played as my CF, given that was the position I had the least depth at on the entire team and he was the only player on my roster other than the struggling Marquis Grissom who could play CF. He was almost always near the bottom of the hitting lineup though.

5. Anthony Gilliam (Long Relief Pitcher, L)

Anthony's minor league stats had him with a 6.06 ERA with only 95 Innings Pitched, and a 4-8 W-L record. Those are pretty middling stats, but he also had 59 Ks and an endurance of 9, so I figured he'd get a shot at the big leagues. He was one of my three initial pitchers who I promoted from the minors when I started the season, along with Alazar Magelssen and Eric Lewis. Based on the high ERA, I brought him up but didn't have much confidence in him, so I left him in a reserve role where he got no playing time until fairly late in the season. That was a mistake. After he was finally activated in a long relief role, he absolutely killed it and was temporarily bumped to a starter status, replacing a struggling Tom Glavine (who wound up going 9-12 for the season). But it was too late to really use him a bunch and I realized I lost an opportunity with this guy. He only pitched 24.1 innings the entire season, but in those innings managed to go 5-0 with an incredible 1.85 ERA. I would have tried him out as a regular starter the next season for sure.

4. Gordon Fazio (RF/1B, R)

Gordon got .355 with 16 home runs in his 400 at bats. He didn't play all of the time, but his ability to play in both positions meant he did get substantial play time. His batting average was the highest of any of my starters for the year, so this guy was solid and should have been utilized more. I should have moved him to earlier in the lineup to get him more ABs. It's on me that my best hitter is ranked this low and didn't get enough appearances.

3. Roger Shearer (LF/RF, L)

Given the depth of quality players who could take up the LF position, Roger spent most of his season playing in RF after I decided that Kenneth Chow wasn't going to be my man there. His minor league stats indicated that he was a base stealing monster, and so I put him at second in the lineup after Roger O'Conner and let him do his thing. 532 ABs, .299 BA, 15 HRs, 36 SB. Pretty good, and thus Dave Justice remained a bench warmer.

2. Roger O'Connor (3B/SS, S)

Right off the bat (ha!), I knew Roger was going to be playing for me a lot. A switch-hitting guy who can play both 3B and SS? Also, his minor league stats showed that he was a speed demon, and I adjusted my management profile to a riskier strategy of stealing more bases in hopes of making him lead the league in steals that season as a rookie. He didn't, but he did finish the season with a nice 48 steals. He was my lead hitter and got a whopping 641 at bats. His .254 batting average wasn't amazing or anything, but there was no way I was benching this guy. His ability to switch-hit and play either 3B or SS meant that he was always a starter, even if I had to switch which of the two positions he played at occasionally. He was mostly my starting SS.

Basically he'd have been this guy.

1. Eric Lewis (Starting Pitcher, L)

Eric Lewis wound up being my star rookie pitcher, earning himself a spot in the middle of the star-heavy Atlanta pitching lineup of the 1990's which included Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, John Smoltz and Steve Avery. He pitched 150 innings, held a solid 2.10 ERA, and wound up with a 14-3 record. His stats could have been even better, but it wasn't until the later part of the season when he jumped into his starter role, having previously served in a "long relief" role until his stats thus far in the reason proved him to be a stud worthy of a starter role. Because he started in a relief capacity, he also wound up with 2 saves for the season. This guy was my surprise hit, as I was doubtful that he would be anything other than a relief pitcher. His simulated minor league stats that he had when I drafted him showed him to have a 4.01 ERA with a measly 3-6 record. Still, my minor league pitching options were pretty weak, so I called him up anyway. The league didn't award him the rookie of the year, but it totally should have. This guy was great!

Ed Ranks Hercules / Xena Recurring Villains

Good. But also Evil. It depends.

Hey, remember these shows? They were stupid fun, right? Yeah, you bet they were. Here are 15 of the top Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess villains (and to a lesser extent, Young Hercules), ranked.  I'm only picking the baddies who appeared multiple times and for the post part appeared across different shows in the franchise (one of two of them might have been one-show-only characters though).

Honorable Mention: Xena

Did you remember that she actually started off on Hercules as a murderous, evil villain in the first season? No? Well, now you've been informed that her backstory is that she went around murdering people for 10 years with her army in order to take over the world. She's basically a war criminal.

15. Sisyphus

The master of illusion. Depicted as a Loki-like trickster (sort of) who you can't trust. Eh. Don't even remember this guy. 

14. Morpheus

Before there was a Morpheus in The Matrix, this guy was the god of dreams on Xena and Young Hercules. His powers are pretty weak sauce stuff like giving people nightmares or entering their minds while they're asleep. So he's more "Inception" than "Matrix."

13. Bacchus

Bacchus never appeared on the OG Hercules, but he was on Xena and Young Hercules. This is one of the weirdest and most disconnected characters to their actual mythological counterpart. Bacchus from actual Mythology is the same as Dionysus - and he's all about drinking wine and having fun. This character is basically just Satan. Red skins, horns, pointed beard, etc. He plays a lyre though. I guess that's one thing.

12. Darphus

Darphus appears in a few episodes and they don't even make an attempt to hide the fact that he's a ripoff of Clancy Brown's The Kurgan from Highlander.

11. Deimos

Actor Joel Tobeck played another villain, Strife, on Hercules. They kileld Stife off but liked the actor. Rather than just finding a way to explain how Strife came back, they bleached his hair blonde and said that this was a "new" character, Strife's cousin Deimos. Whatever. He was never anything more than a travel partner for Discord and a B-Team servant of more important baddies.

10. Aphrodite

The goddess of love is the second most frequently recurring god after Ares, she was initially an antagonist on the show, but quickly left that role to take on a more of a role as a "comic relief" character, and befriending the main characters. She still maintained a close relationship with big bad Ares though, so her role in  the end falls somewhere in the middle between good and bad. So yeah, pretty notable character overall in the show, but not a particularly good "villain."

9. Apollo

The god of sunlight is a dickish, annoying jerk who frequently steps in to have mini bitch feuds with Hercules which involved things like challenging Hercules to a fight with the stakes being if Hercules loses he gets to kill a woman in cold blood. He also burned down a school. But just looking at this guy you can tell he's a douchenozzle.

8. Strife

God of Skirmishes, nephew of Ares (presumably Discord is his mom, but they never say so directly and age-wise the actors playing Strife is younger than the actress playing his mom). He's a little bitch who's always trying to prove himself to Uncle Ares by taking out Hercules. Fellow villain Callisto eventually kills him off

Her, but evil instead.

7. Hope

Dahak, the One Evil God (more on him later) got Gabrielle pregnant. Gabrielle had a baby. She named her "Hope." Xena was not a fan of Gabrielle having a demon baby who would probably turn evil, so Xena was probably going to kill the demon baby (yikes). But Gabrielle sent Hope down a river in a basket (hrm... why does that sound familiar) and she underwent Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome and quickly grew up to become Gabrielle's identical daughter. As with Dahak himself, Hope is just a convenient/easy way to get the actress playing Gabrielle (Renee O'Connor) chances to also play evil characters.

6. Discord

Discord is Ares's sister and is basically just an S&M dominatrix who looks like she's 14 years old. She usually plays a supporting henchperson role to Ares. Xena eventually chops her head off. She appears in a lot of episodes though, often paired with Deimos of Strife.

5. Julius Caesar

Hercules and Xena never bothered being that historically accurate, and went around mixing up Ancient Greece with Rome, and even medieval history whenever they felt like it. So even though the reign of Caesar and the time when most of the Greek Myths are set are like 1200 years apart - they just went ahead and cast a Caesar character. With you? KARL FUCKING URBAN. That's right. Karl Urban also played the recurring character Cupid on the show, as well as the one-off characters of Mael and Kor. I guess because they just ran out of actors.

4. Dahak, the One Evil God

The "true" form of Dahak was a a guy in a fairly cheesy rubber costume that was part "Alien," part "Predator," and part "Godzilla." Fortunately, they barely used that suit and mainly portrayed Dahak in his seven appearances as an evil spirit who could possess others. That conveniently and cheaply allows them to just use other actors, including Tony Todd. He also possessed Iolaus, which is good because the actor playing Iolaus probably got playing the good guy - and could have a fun episode where he got to be evil. Dahak also got Gabrielle pregnant with a demon baby once, so there's that. That baby was Hope (see above).

3. Hera

Hera is always depicted as straight up evil in these shows, even though when you think about it she's Zeus's wife and Zeus was kind of a giant dickhole who kept cheating on her and sleeping with everyone and everything he could find.  She's technically the main villain of the entire series, but she doesn't really appear in the show proper until near the end of the fourth season of Hercules. Up until that point she only appeared as evil glowing eyes and peacock feathers. I sort of liked her better when she was an unseen force of evil, always sending other minions to do her dirty work. By the time she showed up in physical form, I was just sort of like "meh, is that all?"

2. Callisto

One of the most notable recurring villainesses, she was depicted as a tight leather-wearing (they all were though, sort of) sadistic and murderous warlord. Yet she also had cheerleader hair. They killed her off multiple times on the show, only to bring her back. I guess that's easy to do when places like Hell/Hades are just a place you can go to and pick someone up and bring them back.

Sort of in the middle there. Yeah. Him.

1. Ares

The god of war and the most frequently recurring villain on Hercules, Xena and Young Hercules. Once Xena was his protege, but then again Xena used to be evil in the beginning. He was also always trying to seduce Gabrielle because he was sort of missing the dots on that Xena-Gabrielle thing there. Basically, Ares always hated Hercules because they were half-brothers and daddy (Zeus) always favored Hercules more. Brilliant and scheming strategist and plotter. Also that goatee and haircut is hella cool. He was also played by Kevin Smith. No. Not that Kevin Smith.

Ed Ranks Pixar Films Without Context or Explanation

21. The Good Dinosaur

20. Cars 2

19. Cars 3

18. Brave

17. Cars

16. Monsters University

15. A Bug's Life

14. Coco

13. Ratatouille

12. Inside Out

11. Monsters, Inc.

10. The Incredibles

9. WALL-E

8. Up

7. Finding Dory

6. Toy Story 2

5. Toy Story

4. Incredibles 2

3. Toy Story 4

2. Finding Nemo

1. Toy Story 3

Ed Re-Ranks #1 Rankings That He Absolutely Fucked Up

Sometimes I'm in some weird or inexplicable mood in life, which causes my mind to break down and therefore I absolutely fail at my own rankings.  These are 10 rankings which I did, in which I absolutely failed to pick the correct #1 Ranking.

10. Ed Ranks Who Negan Will Kill Sunday, From Least to Most Likely

This was very wrong.

• What I Picked:  Maggie Greene
• What I Should Have Picked: Glenn Rhee
• Analysis: Eh, I don't feel bad about this one. It's more of a "hindsight is 20/20" kind of thing. I though the show would change things up because killing Glenn was too obvious. There was also "leaked" footage of Maggie dying, which the AMC people obviously leaked on purpose (as they filmed scenes of Rick "imagining" all of the various characters dying).

9. Ed Ranks the Vocalizations of Turkeys

• What I Picked: Gobble
• What I Should Have Picked: Kee-Kee
• Analysis:This one doesn't matter that much either, but I did get it wrong. "Kee-Kee" is much  more interesting than "Gobble."

8.  Ed Ranks Things Associated with the FIFA World Cup

• What I Picked: Money Laundering
• What I Should Have Picked: Unequal Gender Pay (something that wasn't even listed in my rankings)
• Analysis: Guess I didn't know about that additional reason why FIFA sucks. I do now. 

7. Ed Ranks Titles of Nobility (By How Cool they Sound)

• What I Picked:Viceroy/Vicereine
• What I Should Have Picked: Archduke/Archduchess
• Analysis: I'm not sure why I thought "Viceroy" was so cool. Sure, it still sounds cool to me. But does it sound cooler than "Archduke?" Nope. For some reason I had Archduke/Archduchess ranked all the way down at #6. Vicereine sounds like a knockoff brand of Listerine.

It seems so obvious in hindsight.

6. Ed Ranks the Characters of Westworld

• What I Picked: Bernard
• What I Should Have Picked: Maeve
• Analysis: In the grand scheme of things, this ranking still holds up as solid. I previously had Maeve at #2 and Bernard at #1. Maeve is better though. That's my mistake and I admit it.

5.  Ed Ranks the Events of August 25

• What I Picked: Alexander Skarsgård is born.
• What I Should Have Picked: Paris is liberated by the Allies.
• Analysis: I am 95% sure I was just being facetious and smarmy on purpose when I said Alexander Skarsgård being born is a more important historic event than the Allies liberating Paris in World War II. The problem is that 5% of unsure, which makes me question if that was the joke? Even if it was the joke, it's not a particularly funny joke, and I should have just gone with the Paris thing. 

4. Ed Ranks the Supposed Multiple Causes of Rasputin's Death

• What I Picked: Beating him with a Rubber Truncheon
• What I Should Have Picked: Basically anything else on the ranking, especially Cyanide-laced Tea and Cakes, or Being Thrown in the River.
• Analysis: At the time I thought that it was exceedingly funny that despite Rasputin's ability to survive being poisoned and shot, someone also thought hitting him with a rubber stick would be effective. I guess because of how futile and dumb it was, I ranked it as #1 because that silliness. But I wasn't ranking his causes of death by how silly they were. I was ranking them by other, general factors of interesting-ness and effectiveness.

3. Ed Ranks Possible Things that Happened to Mira Sorvino

• What I Picked: Eaten by a Shark
• What I Should Have Picked: Nothing. I absolutely should not have done this ranking at all, in hindsight.
• Analysis: In April of 2017, I decided to make a joke ranking that made fun of the fact that actress Miro Sorvino just vanished from the face of the Earth. I picked a bunch of ludicrous possible things that happened to her, and ultimately claimed that she was most likely eaten by a shark. Three months later, I ranked my first 100 rankings and I stood by this ranking, saying that I still thought it was hilarious. Three months after that, Mira Sorvino came forward and basically explained that she wouldn't sleep with skeezy producer Harvey Weinstein and he sabotaged and destroyed her career after that, as he did to many other actresses who said no to his sexual assaults. So yeah, I sort of feel like a huge dick about this in retrospect.

2. Ed Ranks the Top 10 2018 Winter Olympic Moments

• What I Picked: Norwegian Curling Pants
• What I Should Have Picked: Korean Curler Filled with Hate (probably), or maybe and Ready Canada Beer Husband or Finnish Knitting Coach
• Analysis: For some reason during the last Winter Olympics, I really thought those Norwegian Curling Team's crazy pants were hilarious and worth talking about. In hindsight, they were barely memorable. Meanwhile, the Korean Curler with the resting bitch face who looked like she wanted to kill everyone still is hilarious, as is the husband of the Canadian curler who stood inches away while holding a beer, and is the Finnish snowboarding coach who stood inches away while knitting like she was bored by the whole "Olympics" thing. All three of those should be bumped up in the ranking, and those Norwegian pants should be knocked down to #4.

1. Ed Ranks Countries by Food

Actual winner. Sorry, Mexico.

• What I Picked: Mexico
• What I Should Have Picked: Japan
• Analysis: I had previously ranked countries by beer (a ranking which is controversial for sure, but which I still 100% stand by), and so I figured I'd give this a try too. I said Mexican was the best food (it is pretty good) and for some unbelievable, stupid reason I put Japan waaaaaaaaaay down at #5. All I did when mention Japan was make some fleeting comment about sushi or some bullshit. I should have known better. In fact, I did know better. I had already been to Japan multiple times before I wrote this ranking, and yet I scored a huge brain fart here. Sushi is great and super delicious, but Japan has so much more to offer. Yakiniku (grilled meats) and various Kushi (skewered meats, including Yakitori), Tempura, Ramen (obviously!), Udon, Tonkatsu (deep fried pork cutlets), Soufflé Pancakes, Okonomiyaki (savory pancakes), Sakana (a wide variety of side dishes, usually served just as bar snacks to have with alcohol), Takoyaki (fried balls of octopus and magic), Soba, Shabu-Shabu, Wagyu beef, etc.  That's just a start on the big, famous things you can get anywhere. Once you add in various cities and regions with their own specialties (Okonomiyaki is basically different in every city) - the list is almost endless. I fucked this ranking up... BIG TIME.

Ed Ranks Circulating Coins of the United States Dollar

U.S. COINS! Fun! There are six presently in active circulation, although two of those six are no longer having new coins minted for mass release (only for collectors). Here they are, ranked:

6. Half Dollar (50¢)

Too big + nobody uses it. Boo.

Very impractical. This is the largest circulating coin in both size and weight, being 1.2 inches in diameter. It's twice the weight of the quarter. You never see anyone use these. If you tried to, a cashier would probably look at you funny. They might evens say the coin is fake or not legal currency. Just like with a $2 bill. While technically the U.S. Mint ceased production of the coin for general circulation in 2002, it is still legally in circulation and the Mint still produces them every year for collectors. I also don't agree with the concept that the largest coin shouldn't have the most value. It just makes no sense to me.

• What is it made of?  91.67% copper, 8.33% nickel (exactly the same as a Dime and Quarter below)
  
• Who is on the front? JFK
• Who should be on the front? Eh, JFK is fine. Nobody uses this coin though so who cares?
• What is on the back? The Presidential Seal, which is absolutely be the laziest of all reverses
• What should be on the back?  JFK and RFK high-five'ing as they double team Marilyn Monroe. 

 5. Penny (1¢)

Look, pennies!

Can the United States just give up on the penny and get rid of it like other countries have? It has practically no value and for quite a number of years it has cost more to make the penny than it is worth (the last stat I was able to find was from 2014, when it cost the U.S. Mint 1.67¢ to produce a penny). Canada got rid of these things and just rounds all the prices to the nearest nickel. Is the fact that the color is different than all the other coins cool? Yeah, it sure is. Is Abe Lincoln cool? Yeah, he sure is. But Honest Abe deserves to be bumped up to a coin with more value. You can't buy anything for a penny anymore.

• What is it made of?  97.5% zinc, 2.5% copper
  
• Who is on the front? Abraham Lincoln
• Who should be on the front? Nobody, because this coin should be taken out of circulation.
• What is on the back? Since 2010, it has been the "Union Shield," which is just boring and awful. In 2009 there were a few different backs for one year only, but they were also dumb.
• What should be on the back? Bringing back the Lincoln Memorial or even the old "Wheat Cent" would be better than the shield. But I say neither because, as above, let's just get rid of this coin.

4. Nickel (5¢)

CREEPER.

Nickels annoy the hell out of me for the EXACT same reason they annoy the hell out of you and everyone else - they are at an initial glance ALMOST IDENTICAL TO THE QUARTER. The Nickel is 0.835 inches in diameter, while the Quarter is 0.955 inches -- a mere 0.12 inches difference. A TENTH OF AN INCH! The Quarter is worth five times as much as the Nickel, so it's obviously superior. Chances are you, like me, thought you were going to a vending machine or paying a cashier with the right amount, only to foolishly realize that one of the things you thought was a Quarter was actually just a Nickel and now you're twenty cents short. Also aggravating about the nickel is that it is smaller than the Dime. Can the Nickel and Dime swap sizes, please?  Regardless of if the two flip sizes or not, whichever one is closer in size to the Quarter should have is color changed so that no longer looks nearly the same as a quarter. Since I have proposed getting rid of the Penny, now one of these other coins can get the copper-plating. A Nickel is really already %75 copper anyway, just with Nickel on top. Would it be weird if the Nickel wasn't the color of nickel? Sure, I guess.  Which is why if we size swapped it with the Dime, the Nickel could stay small and nickel-colored, while the Dime gets larger and gets the copper look. This all makes perfect sense to me.

• What is it made of? 75% copper, 25% nickel
• Who is on the front? Thomas Jefferson, eerily staring at you since 2006 like you're Sally Hemings and he's planning to rape you.
• Who should be on the front?  HOLY CRAP! Why did they redesign this coin from a profile face to him looking directly at you?! Anything is better than this. Just bring him back to his old profile face with his fucking pony tail. Or better yet, replace him with literally any other President of the United States who didn't rape slaves. Maybe move Lincoln here if we've gotten rid of the Penny. Or let's just go back to the old Buffalo Nickel with the American Indian on the front.
• What is on the back? Monticello, AKA the Slave Rape Bunker.
• What should be on the back? Okay, now I'm all in on the Buffalo Nickel idea. Let's throw a bison on the back and call it a day.

3. Dime (10¢)

Generic old white man.

My frustrations with the Dime were already articulated when discussing the Nickel above, but just to further complain about this coin - why the hell was it ever so teeny, tiny in the first place?!  It's almost the exact same size in diameter as the Penny, but it's even thinner (it's the thinnest coin in U.S. currency), weighing in at a minuscule 2.268 grams. Historically, the Dime used to actually contain silver, hence it was still more valuable despite the less weight. But that silver has been gone since the Lyndon Johnson administration, so it's time we rethink this bad boy. As stated above - eliminate the Penny, swap the size of the Nickel and Dime so that the Dime is now Nickel-sized, and then change the color of the Dime so that it is now copper on the outside and does not easily get confused with the Quarter.

• What is it made of?  91.67% copper, 8.33% nickel.
• Who is on the front? FDR
• Who should be on the front? Look, FDR was pretty memorable for his time with WWII and being President for an unprecedented (and never repeated) four terms. But is face is pretty boring and un-memorable on this coin. If there is a U.S. coin that most people can't tell you who the President on it is, it's gotta be this one. So maybe badass Teddy Roosevelt instead. That mustache is top notch!
• What is on the back? An olive branch, a torch, and an oak branch. All of which are LAME.
• What should be on the back?  If Teddy goes on the front, then maybe the back should be the Devil's Tower in Wyoming, as it was the first National Park ever established (by TR).

2. Dollar Coin ($1)

Hey look, a baby!

I suppose I should dislike the Dollar Coin for the same reason that I rank the Half Dollar in last place - nobody uses it. Damnit though, that's not right! We should totally be using these things. Nearly every other country uses a coin for their dollar or equivalent currency. What we need to do is get rid of the stupid paper dollar and start forcing people to use these coins. How much is wasted on printing out those dollar bills which will only remain in circulation for a few years before getting ripped and worn down... versus a coin that can last for decades and decades. I love the idea of using Dollar Coins, and love the idea that I can pay for significant things like a meal with "change." But I think the last time I ever saw one was as change from a toll booth (which makes sense). Basically as long as the government is still printing paper dollars, these are never going to be a thing. Alas, as with the Half Dollar, the U.S. Mint doesn't really produce dollar coins for general circulation any more, and the ones circulating out there are all from 2011 or before. My only major problem with Dollar Coins in recent history has just been the Mint's totally insane inability to pick a thing which goes on it and stick with it.

• What is it made of?  88.5% copper, 6% zinc, 3.5% manganese, 2% nickel.
• Who is on the front? Since 2000, Susan B. Anthony has mostly been replaced with Sacagawea. However, from 2007 to 2016 there was a "Presidential Dollar Coin" series, where various U.S. Presidents were placed on the Dollar Coin, including Presidents who were already on different coins. For the first several years, these coins appeared in general circulation. But by the time they got to the 20th President, James Garfield, they abandoned the whole thing and only made collector coins for the remaining dead Presidents. They also had a First Ladies Dollar Coin set as well. In 2018, they also announced a new and stupid "American Innovation Dollar Coins" collection, which will again be limited to collectors-only and not put in general circulation.
• Who should be on the front?  Sacagawea and ONLY Sacagawea. Stop having the same coin with different people on the front. That's annoying. What is this... the Eurozone or something? Changing what's on the back is fine. But keep the front the same.
• What is on the back? Mostly, it's a flying bald eagle. The overwhelming majority of Sacagawea coins were produced in the first four years, which featured that on it. Chances are, if you've ever had a Sacagawea Dollar, you figured the eagle was the only thing on the back. Nope. Beginning in 2009, they started to change the design on the back every year to a different scene representing Native American culture or history. But as I said, in 2011 the U.S. basically gave up on the whole Dollar Coin thing, so only three years of circulated coins, produced in much smaller quantities, had other backs.  They've continued to produce additional collector's only coins with the different backs since 2012. 
• What should be on the back? I'm okay with the concept of the back of the coin changing to a different thing every year, although since no new circulating coins are even being made it's a bit of a moot point. 

1. Quarter (25¢)

Pick one concept and stick with it, Florida. Jesus!

The Quarter is the best. It's a nice size - not too small, not too big, a perfectly fine weight, and its value is decent. 25¢ isn't a ton of money, but if you have a big bag full of these at a coinstar machine, you're going to have a mad amount of bills come out in return. As opposed to going to the machine with a big bag of pennies and winding up saying, "Oh, is that all?" Anyway, the Quarter is the American coin. That's why we put the first President on it and why we've dedicated so much time over the last twenty years to putting an endless cycle of stupid different things on the back. 

• What is it made of? 91.67% copper, 8.33% nickel
  
• Who is on the front? George Washington.
• Who should be on the front?  I suppose there is an argument to removing all the slave-owning Presidents from coins, but at least Washington didn't rape his slaves like Jefferson did (that we know of or can prove). Still though, he's the first President. Are we going to rename the city? The state? None of that is ever going to happen. Let's just keep this as-is unless the removal of the Penny (as I proposed) means that Lincoln needs somewhere to go (if we go with a Buffalo Nickel instead of putting Lincoln on that).
• What is on the back? Ugh. What a shit show. Initially it was an Eagle. Then in 1999 they started doing the "50 States Quarters" thing. At first I thought it was cool - for 10 straight years five "new" Quarters would be released every year with different backs, representing each state. I collected them. You collected them. Everyone collected them because it was nifty. Or at least you and I and everyone collected them for a few years before we all said, "fuck it," and then broke our collections open to go get a Dr. Pepper.  By the time we got through the 50 states, the U.S. Mint decided to add on DC and U.S. territories. Fair enough, makes sense. Then after that they added on the "America the Beautiful" coins featuring parks. Okaaaaay. Sure. That will end in 2021 and I'm sure they'll pick some new silly rotation to go with.
• What should be on the back?  After 20 years of rotating different things on the back... can we just have the eagle back for a few years with nothing else? The "oh look, a new thing on the back!" isn't that interesting or special if it happens all the time. Let the damn eagle get five years or something. 

Ed Ranks Wile E. Coyote's ACME Products (Part 2)

HELLS TO THE YEAH! We're still talking about insanely dangerous ACME products that should not be allowed on the shelves of stores and yet somehow were. Or mail order catalogs. I'm not particularly sure how Wile E. Coyote acquired all these things. It wasn't the internet, that's for sure. How do I know? Duh. Coyotes don't know how to use the internet, moron. Everybody knows that.

17. ACME Jet-Propelled Pogo-Stick

Yaaas coyote!!! Bounce!

• Featured in Episode: Hot-Rod and Reel! (1959)
• Intended Use: Try to catch the road runner with a fast pogo stick.
• Description: A pogo stick, but with jets on it.
• Did it Work? No. Adding jets to various things (pogo sticks, roller skates, unicycles, etc.) is NEVER going to work and will only lead to Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff, as he absolutely did in this cartoon.
• Analysis: Honestly, I think I learned what a Pogo Stick is from this cartoon. I'm not kidding. I don't think I had ever actually seen one, and the concept of their bouncy existence was introduced to me by this 1959 cartoon which I saw as a small child in the 1980s. This ranks higher because the fact that it's a rocket on a pogo stick is just so dumb that I sort of like it.

16. ACME Instant Icicle Maker

• Featured in Episode: Zoom at the Top (1962)
• Intended Use: Try to freeze the Road Runner.
• Description: The box this product came in literally says, "Freeze Your Friend-Loads of Laughs." What? THIS IS DANGEROUS! Don't freeze your friends! Don't freeze anyone!
• Did it Work? No. If you've ever seen one of these cartoons, surely you'll know he fucks up and feezes himself.
• Analysis: Even Mikkos Cassadine had a more logical freezing plan than Wile E. Coyote.

15. ACME Roller Skis

• Featured in Episode: Lickety-Splat (1961)
• Intended Use: Go fast, catch bird!
• Description: A set of skis with wheels on them, which seems pretty silly.
• Did it Work? No. He fell off a cliff, embedded himself into the cliff on the other side, but still fell to his doom anyway.
• Analysis: This is barely a remix on all of his other previous "device to go fast" mishaps. At the very least he didn't attach rockets/jets this time, which shows at least he's leaning a little bit. Although... seriously... skis don't need wheels. You're supposed to use them on snow. These are just impractical rollerskates.

14. ACME Boomerang

• Featured in Episode: Zoom at the Top (1962)
• Intended Use: Stick glue to boomerang, throw it at bird, have it come back with bird, eat bird.
• Description: A boomerang, like Aussies use, mate.
• Did it Work? Remember how I mentioned ACME glue previously? In this episode, the glue on the boomerang got stuck to the hims and thus Wile E. threw himself.
• Analysis: This plan would have worked without the glue. Just throw the boomerang at Road Runner without the glue and knock him out. Glue ruined the whole thing!

13. ACME Earthquake Pills

If only the small text was legible.

• Featured in Episode: Hopalong Casualty (1960)
• Intended Use: Have the stupid bird eat them, and give the bird violent, uncontrollable seizures.
• Description: Pills, with very small text on it that can't be read.
• Did it Work? Nope. Road Runner eats the pills and nothing happens. Then Wile E. Coyote, who is a fucking moron, downs the entire bottle himself in anger. Before noticing that the small text on the bottle of Earthquake Pills says "Not Effective on Road Runners." Wile E. then starts shaking uncontrollably himself.
• Analysis: The warning on the bottle should have obviously been bigger. What does this product exist for? Why doesn't it work on Road Runners? I think ACME is just fucking with poor Mr. Coyote by this point.

12. ACME Tornado Kit

• Featured in Episode: Whoa, Be-Gone! (1958)
• Intended Use: Create a tornado that catches the Road Runner.
• Description: A box which says "Seed Your Own Tornado," and which includes tornado seeds and a water pistol. Because apparently tornado can be grown from seeds which you water.
• Did it Work? Nope. The water pistol was shit quality and spilled water on the bottle of seeds, so Wile E. sucked himself up in a tornado rather than catching his nemesis.
• Analysis: I had always been under the impression that tornadoes were formed in two ways: #1: a rotating air of an updraft meets the rotating air of a downdraft; and #2: you are white trash that lives near a trailer park in the deep south and God hates you. But apparently there was a third way the whole time: #3: seeds.

11. ACME Glue

Minimally effective.

• Featured in Episodes: Ready.. Set.. Zoom! (1955), Zoom at the Top (1962), and [sort of] Hare-Breadth Hurry (1963)
• Intended Use: A really sticky substance, intended to catch/trap the Road Runner. In the case of Hare-Breadth Hurry, Bugs Bunny actually uses it to catch Wile E. 
• Description: Glue. Although technically in the episode Zoom at the Top it was referred to as "Iron Glue" for some reason.
• Did it Work? No. Obviously this dipshit coyote would always end up getting himself stuck in a various number of ways. A
• Analysis: I'm just confused by why the name of the episode Ready.. Set.. Zoom! uses two dots to form an ellipsis rather than three dots.

10. ACME Air Balloon

• Featured in Episodes: Going! Going! Gosh! (1952), Fastest with the Mostest (1960)
• Intended Use: Throwing a bunch of (ACME?) products together to make an Air Balloon to pursue that damn bird with, and then throw an anvil (or a bomb) at it.
• Description: In Going! Going! Gosh!, technically only a Street Cleaner's Wagon had the word "ACME" written on it. But Mr. Coyote assembled it with a balloon, an electric fan, and an anvil to make it into an air balloon that he could fly around. In the later Fastest with the Mostest, both the basket and balloon were labelled with "ACME."
• Did it Work? No, neither time. For GGG, the anvil also served as the ballast of the balloon, so after he released it he kept going higher and higher. Then he fell down and the anvil wound up hitting him instead. With the case of the bomb in the later episode, Wile E. actually inflates himself instead of the balloon and goes floating in the air by himself with the bomb (he eventually falls to the ground and the bomb explodes on him, per usual).
• Analysis: WTF happened to the laws of physics with the anvil thing? There is no way that Wile E. could have wound up falling faster than the anvil, so that he would eventually speed past it and be hit by it himself. Does terminal velocity not matter in Merrie Melodies? Did nobody over at Merrie Melodies research Galileo? Newton's Second Law? Shiiiiiiiiit.

9. ACME Giant Rubber Band

• Featured in Episodes: Gee Whiz-z-z-z-z-z-z (1956), Whoa, Be-Gone! (1958), and Wild About Hurry (1959).
• Intended Use: In the three shorts, Wile E. tried to use the rubber bands in two different ways. Two times it was to sling/launch himself after the Road Runner, but once it was designed as trap that the Road Runner would run into.
• Description: A rubber band. But giant. Like, super big and impractical for any use I can think of.
• Did it Work? Nah. He obviously only ever really face planted and/or otherwise destroyed himself using these things.
• Analysis: I'm going to repeat my comments from "Description" above - why does this product exist? Who on earth would use a giant rubber band and what for?  Wile E. Coyote should just buy a trebuchet.

8. ACME Nitroglycerine and Detonators

This should wind up well for Wile E.

• Featured in Episode: Zipping Along (1953)
• Intended Use: Blow up the Road Runner.
• Description: A pile of nitroglycerine and other explosives, placed next to a door that--if opened--would hit the detonator and blow up. The other side of the door claimed that there was bird seed inside, supposedly to entice the Road Runner.
• Did it Work? No. Instead of the Road Runner showing up, a truck did. Wile E. stupidly opened the door himself and blew himself up. Then afterwards got run over by the truck.
• Analysis: This is horrifically destructive and I'm surprised they sell these products at all. How did he even get these? By mail order. This seems like the types of products you should need to buy in person and get intensive background checks before you can buy.

7. ACME Invisible Paint

• Featured in Episode: War and Pieces (1964)
• Intended Use: Wile E. Coyote makes himself invisible, so that he can sneak up on the Road Runner undetected.
• Description: A bucket of paint that makes the person who applies it to himself invisible.
• Did it Work? No. Wile E. Coyote did the usual thing, instead getting hit by a bus and falling off a cliff when invisible.
• Analysis: This seems like a pretty good and effective product. Getting hit by a bus was an unfortunate coincidence, and the falling off a cliff thing was Wile E.'s own fault, not the fault of the invisibility paint itself. As an un-fun fact, this is also arguably Chuck Jones' last Warner Brothers cartoon before being fired (until he came back in the late 70's) - although some sources say that the Bugs & Daffy "The Iceman Ducketh" cartoon was the last. That one came out in May of 1964 though, while this came out in June.

6. ACME Bombs

• Featured in Episode: Fastest with the Mostest (1960)
• Intended Use: Blow up the bird
• Description: Wile E. Coyote tried to use bombs all the time, but this appear to be the only episodes where the bomb explicitly said "ACME" on it.
• Did it Work? I'm not sure why I'm even asking this. NO. IT NEVER WORKS. Of course he blew himself up.
• Analysis: Pretty straight forward and not incredibly creative. But you know what it is? ICONIC. Dumb crap like bombs are what I think of when I think of ACME products. While Wile E. Coyote used bombs on many occasions, I believe that technically this was the only episode which specifically had "ACME" written on the bomb, which means even though I think it's iconic I'm probably just Mandela Effect-ing ACME onto the side of other cartoon bombs in my head when it was never really there.

5. ACME Female Road Runner Costume

Hot.

• Featured in Episode: Ready.. Set.. Zoom! (1955)
• Intended Use: Dress up and sexually entice the Road Runner into hot, sticky copulation. Only to suddenly reveal himself as a dangerous, predatory coyote that tears the Road Runner apart and eats his flesh, raw.
• Description: A costume to look exactly like a (presumably) sexy female Road Runner with big ol' eyelashes.
• Did it Work? No. Instead of attracting the Road Runner while dressed up as a female Road Runner, he attracted other coyotes who tried to kill and eat him.
• Analysis: This could have gone wrong in so many ways. Why does ACME sell this? Who the hell is buying sexy, fuckable lady Road Runner costumes? I mean you KNOW the costume had to have been fuckable.

4. ACME Bird Seed

• Featured in Episodes: Zipping Along (1953), Stop! Look! And Hasten! (1954), Hook, Line and Stinker (1958), Wild About Hurry (1959), and Zoom at the Top (1962)
• Intended Use: Attract Road Runners.
• Description: This is another one that's pretty self-explanatory. Bird seed is going to attract the Road Runner to fall into Wile E. Coyote's traps. Hypothetically. What's strange is how many varieties of bird seed that ACME sold. In every episode the box for the bird seed looked totally different. ACME must have really, really, really been into feeding birds and/or knew that Wile E. Coyote accounted for about 99% of all of their business.
• Did it Work? No obviously, it never worked. The reasons why varied by episode. One common example: mixing the seed with metal and then trying to use a magnet. There were some other ways this worked, but that was the one they'd turn to again and again.
• Analysis: One of the quintessential and most commonly repeated ACME products featured. In principle this is a good idea, but bird seed by itself won't do anything. You need to pair it up with another product. Or just fucking poison it, Coyote. You should have poisoned it. Although I guess if you poisoned it then you couldn't eat the Road Runner. So never mind. As you were, coyote.

3. One Fifth of ACME Bumble Bees

Seems like an unnecessary product.

• Featured in Episode: Zoomed and Bored (1957)
• Intended Use: Sting the hell out of Road Runner, presumably because bees have something to do with birds (the "birds and the bees", I dunno).
• Description: A jar of angry bees who want to sting people.
• Did it Work? No. They stung the coyote instead. Oh well. A for effort.
• Analysis: Haha, I fucking love that this is an alcohol reference embedded within something that kids won't understand and adults will appreciate. Did I get the joke when I was a kid? No. Do I get it now that I'm a barely functioning alcoholic? YES I DO! Also... WHY WOULD PEOPLE STORE BEES IN A BOTTLE CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR LIQUOR?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE BUT I LOVE IT! SO IRRATIONAL!

2. ACME Triple-Strength Fortified Leg Muscle Vitamins

Performance enhancing drugs!

• Featured in Episode: Stop! Look! And Hasten! (1954)
• Intended Use: Make Wile E. Coyote run really, really fast.
• Description: Self-explanatory. Pills that make the coyote fast like the Road Runner.
• Did it Work? Yes, in that he ran really fast. No, in that he's an idiot and kept running and smashes himself into something while the Road Runner stopped to escape. 
• Analysis: Seems like the type of product that would be banned in Olympic competition. Still though, the fault was in Mr. Coyote's own behavior and not the product itself. Anyway, this one ranks high because it was the ORIGINAL time that Wile E. popped some pills or medicine that made him run super fast. As you'd see from the first part of this ranking, once they ran out of new ideas they just copied this idea over and over again. First time is best time.

 1. ACME Rocket-Powered Roller Skates

Such a good bad idea he did it 40 different times.

• Featured in Episode: Beep, Beep (1952)
• Intended Use: To go really fast in order to catch the Road Runner, who is also very fast.
• Description: A set of roller skates, with rockets on them. Again, self-explanatory.
• Did it Work? For a while, because he caught up to the Road Runner. Alas, the Rocket-Powered skates don't have a very good ability to turn fast. So when the Road Runner turned, Wile E. continued to rocket forward, hitting into old west dessert buttes before being rocketed off into the air before the skates ran out of gas and he fell back to earth.
• Analysis: This is way too dangerous to sell and should be taken off of the market immediately. You basically have no directional control.You might be surprised to see this one ranking this high at #1, based on how low I ranked all the other "Wile E. Coyote puts a rocket on something" products. However, as with the leg muscle vitamins immediately above, this gets the bonus points for being the first time they used this idea, which would be repeated countless times afterwards and be a staple of the cartoons for the next decade and a half.