Ed Ranks Wile E. Coyote's ACME Products (Part 1)

Get used to reading about bird seeds plots a lot.

Wile E. Coyote really wanted to kill and eat the Road Runner.

Fortunately for Mr. Coyote, there was a company called "ACME" that sold a lot of weirdly specific products that could potentially be used for killing said Road Runner.

Unfortunately for Mr. Coyote, ACME is sort of a shit company with faulty products. Or at the very least ACME didn't really include proper instructions. Basically, ACME = IKEA.

Five quick notes before we begin:

• I'm going to call these things "Episodes" below. I know that they are technically "shorts" that aired in movie theaters. I think the term "episode" is fine though. dealwithit.gif
• I'm not including "Ralf Wolf" cartoons here. Yes, I am aware that Ralf Wolf is EXACTLY THE SAME as Wile E. Coyote, but with a red nose instead of black nose.
• Occasionally Wile E. Coyote also tried to murder Bugs Bunny. These episodes are included.
• Warner Brothers Animation Studios shut down 1963/4-ish, around the time Chuck Jones was fired. In the late 1970's, Chuck Jones came back and WB started making new cartoons, but those cartoons aren't from the "golden age" of WB animation that I'm thinking of. So I'm not including those and therefore won't talk about anything that happened after 1964. Which makes me sort of like my dad, who is an old man who also won't recognize anything related to pop culture which happened after 1964. So if you remember him using some product that's not listed here (e.g. explosive tennis balls, etc) - it probably came from a post '64 episode.
• I'm cutting this ranking in to two parts because that buys me another four days to stretch things out. So this part will include #33 to #18.

Dishonorable Mention: ACME Super Speed Vitamins

• Featured in Episode: Hare-Breadth Hurry (1963)
• Intended Use: Make Bugs Bunny really, really fast.
• Description: A bunch of pills that can increase speed.
• Did it Work? Yes.
• Analysis: This is one of those rare "Wile E. Coyote vs. Bugs Bunny" cartoons. By the time this came out in 1963, the "pills/tonic that make you fast" plot device had already been used a half dozen times in these cartoons. This time it was Bugs using them though, in an attempt to explain why he could zip along like the Road Runner. Sort of lame, but at least they tried to explain it. The point of this ranking though is to rank ACME products that Wile E. Coyote used. This is a Wile E. Coyote episode and this is an ACME product in it... but it's Bugs using it, not Wile E. Therefore, it only gets a dishonorable mention status, as it doesn't quite make the cut.

33. ACME Iron Bird Seed

• Featured in Episode: Beep Prepared (1961)
• Intended Use: Seed. Metal. Magnet. See below.
• Description: Honestly, what the fuck?
• Did it Work? No.
• Analysis: As you'll see later down this list, there were already multiple occasions in Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoons where the coyote mixed in bird seed with metal, in an attempt to use a magnet to attract the bird to him. On all the previous occasions, Wile E. Coyote at least went to the effort to mix ACME Bird Seed up with ACME metal. This time though, approximately the 700th time the coyote did the EXACT SAME STUPID TRICK, the writers just got SUPER FUCKING LAZY and decided, "eh, let's just make the bird seed metal so we can skip the part where he mixes the bird seed with metal." This begs the question, WHAT THE HELL WOULD ANYONE USE IRON BIRD SEED FOR?! Why is this even a product?

32. ACME Indestructo Steel Ball

Blue Pac-Man?

• Featured in Episode: Wild About Hurry (1959)
• Intended Use: A protective ball that will prevent Wile E. Coyote from being hurt.
• Description: A big ol' metal ball.
• Did it Work? No. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't that indestructible.
• Analysis: Eh. This one never made sense. How does he even plan to get the bird if he's stuck in a ball?

31. ACME Iron Carrot

• Featured in Episode: Compressed Hare (1961)
• Intended Use: Carrot. Metal. Magnet. See below and above.
• Description: Once more, Wile E. Coyote tried to get his opponent to eat metal food and attract said opponent via a magnet. This time is another one of the rare episodes where he's trying to eat rabbit rather than bird...thus it's a carrot rather than seeds.
• Did it Work? Obviously not. The magnet attracts a mailbox, which slams Wile E. in the face.
• Analysis: This same metal/magnet food joke is used over and over again, but at the very least this time they've changed "seed" to "carrot" to mix things up and pretend like they're trying to do something different.

30. ACME Iron Pellets

Mix with the above seed.

• Featured in Episodes: Wild About Hurry (1959), Zip N' Snort (1961).
• Intended Use: Mix it in with bird seed. Use magnet. Make Road Runner come to him. Rinse and repeat in 100 different episodes.
• Description: These are pellets made of iron.
• Did it Work? No. The magnet attracted a bomb and/or an electric power line instead. Which Wile E. Coyote really should have seen coming.
• Analysis: Another repeat joke both times, as Wile E. had previously tried to mix in metal with bird seed and a magnet back in 1953 for the Zipping Along episode. Lay-Zeeee! Wild About Hurry would be the first time this scheme would repeated though, so it at least gets some credit for barely being a repeat at first. But AFTER this though, almost every single story would just reuse this same trick over and over again like it was a legal requirement for every single cartoon.

 29. ACME Dehydrated Boulders

• Featured in Episode: Scrambled Aches (1957)
• Intended Use: A small, "dehydrated" boulder to which water can be added, expanding it into a full-size boulder that he can throw on the Road Runner.
• Description: Well, honestly this is just fucking odd.
• Did it Work? No. He crushes himself with the boulder, per the usual.
• Analysis: I just want to point out that boulders aren't made out of a bunch of water. They very much lack water, in fact. You probably knew this already, so I'm not sure why I'm explaining it.

28. ACME Matches

• Featured in Episode: Beep, Beep (1952)
• Intended Use: To light a fire and be able to see better.
• Description: This one is pretty straight forward. Matches that you use to light a small fire. Nothing to crazy here.
• Did it Work? Yes, the match did light. Unfortunately, Wile E. Coyote lit the match in a dark tunnel full of dynamite.
• Analysis: The product worked as intended, but Wile E. really should have ordered an ACME flashlight.In the end, this one gets ranked fairly low because it's simply not that impressive or interesting. A pretty normal, mundane product.

27. ACME Triple-Strength Battleship Steel Armor Plate

• Featured in Episode: Gee Whiz-z-z-z-z-z-z (1956)
• Intended Use: A steel plate that could stop the Road Runner.
• Description: A steel plate, presumable of the type used on Battleships.
• Did it Work? No, the Road Runner went right through it.
• Analysis: This bird should die impacting thick steel like that. But he didn't. This is probably poorly constructed or a Chinese counterfeit. ACME is shit. I hope the U.S. armed forced didn't use this shit armor for their battleships.

26. ACME Hi-Speed Tonic

• Featured in Episode: Hip Hip-Hurry! (1958)
• Intended Use: A magical elixer that will make Wile E. Coyote go super fast.
• Description: A tonic made up of "Vitamins R, P, & M" that will make Wile E. go super fast. He tests it on a mouse first before downing an entire bottle for himself.
• Did it Work? No. He goes to fast and crashes into a bunch of fireworks, blowing himself up and ending the whole episode/short.
• Analysis: Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. By 1958, these Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoons had been going on for 9 years and the writers were clearly running out of ideas. By the time this short aired, the coyote had already taken numerous potions to make himself run faster, and every time he stupidly outran the Road Runner and crashed into something else. This is a rehash of previous plot devices, barely mixed up to be original.

25. ACME Jet-Propelled Unicycle

This should work out well.

• Featured in Episode: Hot-Rod and Reel! (1959)
• Intended Use: Become fast. Catch Road Runner. Look like an idiot (as everyone on a unicycle does).
• Description: A unicycle with dangerous fucking rockets on it.
• Did it Work? Fuck no. It launched him off a cliff, which was the second time in the episode that an ACME jet-propelled product launched him off of a cliff. SAD!
• Analysis: Literally EARLIER IN THIS VERY EPISODE/SHORT, Wile E. Coyote used ANOTHER JET-PROPELLED ACME PRODUCT (the Jet-Propelled Pogo-Stick) and EPICLY FAILED AND FELL OFF A CLIFF. How did he expect things to wind up any different just a few minutes later? Okay, maybe it wasn't just a few minutes later in the passage of time between the two events. But then again, these cartoons were never that great at explaining just how much time occurs between these ludicrous attempts at bird murder.

24. ACME Rocket Sled/Ship

• Featured in Episodes: Wild About Hurry (1959), Beep Prepared (1961)
• Intended Use: Bird fast. Rocket fast. Use rocket to catch bird. Durrrrrr!
• Description: Two forms of sleds/carts that Wile E. Coyote used in attempts to quickly launch himself at Road Runner.
• Did it Work? No. One time he launched himself into space and the other time he crashed straight into the ground.
• Analysis: More repeats, as the writers simply said "let's do that joke again where the coyote attaches a malfunctioning rocket to something."

23. ACME Jet Bike Kit

What could possibly go wrong?

• Featured in Episode: Gee Whiz-z-z-z-z-z-z (1956)
• Intended Use: Various parts to assemble a very fast jet bike, which could be used to catch the Road Runner because the Road Runner is also very fast.
• Description: ACME products making up this kit included ACME Handle Bars, an ACME Jet Motor, etc.
• Did it Work? I know you probably won't believe this, but instead of successfully working, the end result of Wile E. Coyote's "Jet Bike Kit" adventure was him FALLING OFF OF A CLIFF. I know, right? Hard to believe! Who would have though that Wile E. Coyote would have--instead of catching the Road Runner--fallen off of a fucking cliff?! CRAZY!
• Analysis: Why bother writing an analysis for this one.It's just a little bit better than the last several jet rockets on X devices.

22.  ACME Grease

• Featured in Episodes: Guided Muscle (1955), Zip N' Snort (1961)
• Intended Use: Make the ground super slippery so that the Road Runner couldn't pass, and/or make the ground slick so that Wile E. can go faster.
• Description: Grease.
• Did it Work? No. The first time, Road Runner ran right over it while a conveniently timed truck showed up to run over Wile E. (which he couldn't avoid because he himself got stuck slipping on the grease). The second time the grease makes him slide off a cliff.
• Analysis: This dipshit coyote is always falling victim to the trap he himself planted. I'm starting to think this is more his fault and less ACME's fault. Also he should move to a place with less cliffs.

21. ACME Super Outfit

Well this looks... dumb,

• Featured in Episode: Fast and Furry-ous (1949)
• Intended Use: To get the magical power to fly off the side of a cliff.
• Description: A blue cap/helmet, shirt and pants with a red cape.
• Did it Work?  No, it did not provide him with the ability to fly. He just fell off a cliff.
• Analysis: Dressing up as Superman does not give you Superman's powers. ACME maybe could have been clearer with the instructions. In fairness, this was the FIRST EVER Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner Cartoon, so at least this gets points for being the first time the coyote uses ACME products to try to kill the Road Runner. Nice.

20. ACME Bat-Man's Outfit

• Featured in Episode: Gee Whiz-z-z-z-z-z-z (1956)
• Intended Use: To dress up like "Bat-Man" (although it looks nothing like Batman) and fly.
• Description: An odd, green costume that ACTUALLY GIVES WILE E. COYOTE the ability to fly.
• Did it Work? HOLY SHIT, SORT OF! It actually ALLOWED HIM TO FLY!!! WHAT THE HELL?! IS THIS SORCERY?! Of course, he stopped paying attention to where he was going and crashed into a cliff.
• Analysis: I'm torn on this one. To a degree, it's a repeat of the previous "Super Outfit" featured way back in 1949, so it's a bit lazy. On the other hand, the joke with the Super Outfit was it didn't work - and yet this "Bat-Man" costume did work, and did allow him to fly. For a bit. The costume was also green and weird, I'm sure to avoid being sued by DC Comics.

19. ACME Giant Kite Kit

• Featured in Episode: Zipping Along (1953)
• Intended Use: As a kite to sort of fly with, in order to throw a bomb/missile at the Road Runner.
• Description: A kite. But giant. The bomb might have been an ACME product too, but it didn't specifically say it was. 
• Did it Work? No, he fell of a cliff while trying to fly with the kite (obviously) and then the bomb exploded on him (obviously).
• Analysis: This was overall a terrible, terrible idea. You should not try to attach yourself to a kite. You fly kites. Kites do not fly you, no matter how giant they are. Even if he was successful, this would have been stupid because blowing up a bird with a bomb defeats the point of your goal - eating it. Do you want to eat tiny, charred pieces scattered across the mesa? No, of course you don't. 

18. ACME Christmas Package Machine

Seems safe. Go for it!

• Featured in Episode: Hopalong Casualty (1960)
• Intended Use: Trick the Road Runner into going inside by claiming that it is a "Detour," and forcibly package up the Road Runner so he can easily become an easy Peapod order for Wile E. Coyote.
• Description: A machine that, no matter what goes into it, is packaged up with Christmas wrappings.
• Did it Work? No. Wile E. Coyote obviously fucks up and packages himself up. Even a child can see this plot development coming.
• Analysis: Eh, I guess it's at least a new idea! By the time this cartoon aired, they were basically re-doing things from previous cartoons over and over again.

Okay everyone, that's the bottom half of the rankings. Next time... the top ACME products.