Ed Ranks 30 "Evil Names" Via a Random Evil Name Generator

Gloomlure The Ghoul. Or something like that.

Seventh Sanctum has an "Evil Name Generator" based on the Diablo II name generator, that assembles random words to create unique monster names.  It can randomly generate 20 evil names at a time. Here they are, ranked:

20. Belchhaunt - So this is a haunting burp or something? That's not very scary. It sounds like you don't need a crusading warrior to rid the world of this evil. You need some antacid.

19. Slashleaf - I am not threatened by your ability to slash leaves. Who cares? Sure, a machete that can slash vegitation can be a dangerous weapon when used against a person. But you're not using it against a person. You're using it against leaves. Try "Slashflesh" next time.

18. Twistspell The Grasping - "Spell" might be the only part about this which sounds even remotely scary. "Twist"-ing isn't scary. Twisting is how Chubby Checkers made White people slowly comfortable with Black music. It's totally non-threatening. And "grasping?" Whatever. I won't lose any sleep over someone grasping.

17. Moneylove The Mystic - Not. Scary. At. All. This sounds like the name of a Disc Jockey at a radio station in a beach town.

16. Chillmurk The Vomitous - Chillmurk? That's not that scary. And the fact that you vomit isn't that bad by itself. Perhaps Chillmurk The Vomitous is just a frat boy that drank too much and is now barfing it all out.

15. Stinkbeam The Unborn - How scary can you be if you haven't even been born yet? Is this some sort of evil monster about to be hatched from some egg soon? Well guess what! You're not hatched yet, so I'm just going to crush your egg, you unborn stinker.

14. Cinderbeam The Mage - Cinders are associated with fire. But the "beam" part sort of offsets that. Cinderbeam? That's just poor housing construction material.

13. Fastmouth The Stinking - This could be a Diablo II monster, or it could be the nickname of a toothless hooker with pungent body odor. The latter is probably more scary than the former.

12. Dashshock - Sounds like a villain in a 1990s cartoon where everyone wears their hats backwards and everything is "X-Treme."

11. Soulcinder The Berserk - Again with the cinders. Although your soul being burned to a cinder? YIKES!

10. Hauntfire The Construct - WHOA, Hauntfire? Holy smokes! I would hate to run into a monster named "Hauntfire." But "Hauntfire the Construct?" You should have stopped when you were ahead, HF.

9. Groundstorm The Necrotic - So what's a groundstorm? Is that like an earthquake? And is being necrotic supposed to scare me? The fact that you have dead bodily tissue means that you're likely injured which is less scary. Still, a pretty cryptic name.

8. Carnalburn The Striker - The words "carnal" and "burn" together can only mean one thing: Sexually Transmitted Disease. And "The Striker?" This is obviously the soccer player who spreads the STD. I'm not saying it's Cristiano Ronaldo. But it's totally Cristiano Ronaldo.

7. Stinkanger The Drowned - Yikes. Stinkanger the Drowned? Sounds like an apt description of Jason Vorhees. Come on, you know he's got to be stinky.

6. Shockwire - Especially scary if you're an electrician. Like #17 above, this could also be a radio DJ.

5. Waterpuke The All-devouring - Vomiting and puking themes to be a theme on this random name generator, but the "all-devouring" part of this name is what's really creepy and scary.

4. Rotsoak The Resurrected - Yet another good description of Jason Vorhees.

3. Pukelurk The Unstoppable - Best avoid messing with any evil monsters that are unstoppable.

2. Gloomlure The Ghoul - Yep, that's an evil name. 

1. Horrorshiver - Wow, scary. Best turn and run when you come upon "Horrorshiver."

Ed Ranks Seinfeld Characters

A logo. How interesting.

HEY! Seinfeld is a show that everybody remembers and loves, right? You can still watch it every day on cable. How about I rank it's characters?  The four main characters are probably too small of a number of characters to rank, so I'll rank all characters that appear in over 20 episodes. Except Ruthie Cohen, who appeared as an extra at the cafe in over a hundred episodes. She doesn't count.

Uncle Leo only appeared in 15 episodes and Puddy was only in 11. So you won't see them. Sorry. Feel free to write and complain about it to my official email address, goeatabagofdicks@rickflair2020.net

11. Cosmo Kramer - Seriously, fuck this guy. Is this not the most annoying neighbor ever? I know that is supposed to be the point of him, but if this guy was my neighbor I would literally murder him. He's not funny or "wacky." He's just awful. I know some of this animosity might be filtered by a Michael Richard's post N-Word rants... but who cares? I never really liked him before or after.

10. Susan Ross - By now, you probably know that everyone in the cast and crew of Seinfeld hated Susan Ross. And by that, I don't mean that they wanted to kill off the character because they thought that, for story line purposes, having George with a fiancée was a dead end story. I mean that practically EVERYONE who made the show despised the actress that played Susan, Heidi Swedberg, and wanted her off the show so that they would never have to see her again. And so they killed her. With stamps.

9. Estelle Costanza - Hearing Estelle Harris talk is about the same as jamming a sharpened pencil into your ear. Is that antisemitic to say? God, I hope not.

7/8 (Tie).  Helen and Morty Seinfeld - Seinfeld's mom and dad just kind of existed on the show, didn't they? What did they ever do that was interesting? Not much. They were just there. It was like, "Oh Yeah, I guess Jerry should have parents, huh? Let's use them to make fun of retirement homes."

6. J. Peterman - Peterman was in a lot of episodes in the last several seasons. I guess he was sort of a funny character. There was that whole poppy seed thing. Remember that? Eh.

This Wikipedia image seems like a good hotlink.

5. Jerry Seinfeld - That's right. Jerry himself, the main character, is down here at five. Remember my ranking of Final Fantasy XII characters? Remember how I argued that the main character was the most boring character? This applies the same here. Jerry is the show's straight man that liked cereal, Superman, and constantly dated and then discarded women for nonsensical reasons. Whatever. That's about all there is to him.

4. Frank Costanza - Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza is awesome. Any episode with Frank is going to be a good episode. And did I mention Festivus yet? Because FESTIVUS, PEOPLE!!!

3. Newman - Hell yeah, Newman! It's sort of arbitrary that a stand-up comedian that lives in an apartment in Manhattan has an ARCH NEMESIS, but then again arbitrary can be a good thing. It's a shame that Newman got killed by those Dilophosauruses though, huh?

2. Elaine Benes - This was actually pretty hard, and I was originally thinking of ranking Elaine as #1.  But really, I'm just thinking about how awesome Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in Veep. Elaine is still great, but there is one better...

1. George Costanza - It's often said that George Costanza was based on Larry David himself.  The more I watch reruns of Seinfeld though, I'm convinced that EVERY CHARACTER was Larry David, in one way or another. But George mostly so.  Trust me, this show was really Costanza, not Seinfeld. Like how Dawson's Creek was really Pacey's Creek. 

Ed Ranks Things to do with Activated Charcoal Now that it's 2018

You're probably not strong enough to press this into a diamond.
So that option doesn't even make this list.

So, you're a brainless moron that likes to follow lame fads, huh? Yeah, 2017 was the year of activated charcoal. Activated charcoal ice cream. Activated charcoal toothpaste. Smoothies. Pizza. Detox pills. And so on.

But as a brainless moron that follows fads, you now realize that it's 2018 rather than 2017, and therefore all the magical properties of activated charcoal in 2017 have magically vanished in favor of whatever the new fad is this year. What are you going to do with all those stockpiles of activated charcoal that you bought last year?

Well, I have some ideas...

10. Do Crazy Pranks with It Where You Pretend it's Grampa's Ashes - This is in pretty poor taste, so I wouldn't recommend it. Hypothetically, you could find some old urn at an antiques shop (or just buy a flower pot that sort of looks like an urn) and carry it around with you on the subway. Then pretend to trip up and spill the activated charcoal everywhere. Then when you do, put on the fake tears and go, "Grandpaaaaa, noooooo!" Why would you do this? Just to make other people uncomfortable? I don't know. Look, I already said I wouldn't recommend doing this. I'm just throwing it out there.

9. Try to Turn It into Pencils or Something Like That - Activated charcoal is made from carbon. So is the graphite in pencils. Surely there must be some way to take all your activated charcoal and turn it into pencils or something, right? You might need to do some more research on this one.

8. Try to Create New Life, You Mad Scientist You - All life as we know it is made from carbon, as we are carbon-based lifeforms. Using this base carbon material, perhaps you'll want to see if you can replace God herself and create new life in some Dr. Frankenstein-like experiement.  The reason why this probably won't be likely is because mad scientists are typically... well... scientists. And scientists usually don't buy into unscientific fads like buying activated carbon for nonsensical reasons.

7. Grill with It - Charcoal is charcoal, people. Might as well see if you can at least get some tasty burgers out of this ordeal.

6. Try to Give it All to Gwyneth Paltrow - This sounds like exactly the type of crap that Goop is still selling. Maybe try to make it her problem now.

5. Actually Use It for Its Intended Medical Purpose - Activated charcoal can bind to other substances on its surface, meaning that there is actually a valid medical purpose hidden somewhere behind the hype. Its been shown to help people survive ingestion of toxins and arsenic. But what the hell are you? A spy or something? Who is going to give you arsenic?

4. Throw It in the Garbage - Look, you're not going to have a return on investment if you choose this option. Still, sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and be done with the whole thing.

3. Hold on to It for 4 Years, then Ship it to the Mid-West for Profit - If you still feel like there is a chance you can make some money off of your poor life choices, then you should maybe put your activated charcoal in a corner of your garage for four years and let it sit there for a bit. Remember that people who live in fly-over states are already five years behind the times anyway. In about five years, the activated charcoal craze should JUST be starting in Minnesota. Then it's time to SELL SELL SELL.

2. Assemble It into a Giant Art Piece that Condemns Mankind's Hubris - This one is fairly self-explanatory.

1. Light It Aflame and Burn all the Fidget Spinners that You Also Bought Last Year - Let's not mince words here. If you bought anything with activated charcoal in it last year, chances are you also bought at least eight fidget spinners. As explained above, charcoal burns. You might as well create a pyre now to burn all your 2017 regrets. Try not to breathe in the fumes from the burning plastic of the fidget spinners though - it's probably toxic. Although I guess you could put on a gas mask to avoid the fumes. The mask uses activated charcoal as a filter to... no... WAIT!... you burned all your activated charcoal! The gas mask is worthless now. Well, I guess you'll die. Guess you should have stuck with the kale fad, you brainless moron.

Ed Ranks 20 Zendaya Instagram Posts

Some of these rankings need convoluted explanations. This one doesn't. Here are twenty Instagram posts made by Zendaya, ranked.

20.

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Feb 2, 2017 at 4:23pm PST

Why does she look like she's eight years old in this one? 
19. 

When I was little I couldn't find a Barbie that looked like me, my...how times have changed. Thank you @barbie for this honor and for allowing me to be apart of your diversification and expansion of the definition of beauty. Can't wait to keep doing amazing things with you😘😘😘 #besuper @luxurylaw @theshelbyswain

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Sep 26, 2015 at 3:05pm PDT

Oh Yeah. Remember when she was at the Oscars and Giuliana Rancic threw shade at her natural hair? Big mistake there, Giuliana you Skeletor-lookin' mofo.   18. 

🌞

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Aug 4, 2017 at 11:50am PDT

Oh yeah! Bikini pic! Although I guess if I rank this TOO high I'll come off like a creeper.
17. 

@calvinklein @luxurylaw

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on May 23, 2016 at 12:07pm PDT

The outfit is a little close to her skin tone though, which makes her look nude. You know, if you have crappy eyesight.   16. 

Glowy 💡

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Jan 31, 2018 at 8:29pm PST

Yep, this is another picture of Zendaya Coleman. Number 16. This is pretty much how this is going to go from here in. Twenty Zendaya pictures from Instagram. I'm not saying they are the twenty best. I just picked twenty and I am ranking them.   15.

Anotha one... @complex

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Dec 1, 2015 at 9:36am PST

Can I even post this one? Naked mannequins don't count as nudity, do they?   14.

🎀

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Nov 13, 2017 at 8:00pm PST

No way is this hair real.   13.

That's right...

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Jan 21, 2017 at 7:32pm PST

At the January 21, 2017 Women's March in Washington, DC. Being political is, like, good and stuff.   12.

A platinum blonde pixie tonight cause why not?

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Dec 4, 2017 at 11:43am PST

On the plus side, she has horses on her boobs. That's cool. On the EVEN PLUSSER side... why does she look like Michelle Williams? The Dawsons Creek one, I mean. Not the Destiny's Child one.   11.

Us against the world son 😂

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Apr 22, 2017 at 4:40pm PDT

Pet pictures are always awesome. Hello, doggo!   10.

Available online N❤️W @dayabyzendaya

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Apr 25, 2017 at 3:35pm PDT

This is a lot of red.   9.

Senior portraits....I was so excited, I'm such a freakin dork😂

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Apr 23, 2015 at 2:23pm PDT

Hey look, celebrities have to take their Senior Year High School portraits too! Zendaya is just like you and me! Only, you know, rich and famous and with multiple TV shows. But other than that, just like you and me.   8.

Snowflakes caught in my mane

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Jan 7, 2017 at 3:18pm PST

Hell yeah, snow! Very majestic.   7.

I'm very comfortable in a tiara

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Jan 13, 2017 at 7:13am PST

I wish I could pull off a flower tiara.   6.

Stealing hearts since 96'

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Jun 14, 2017 at 6:56am PDT

Why is she staring into the viewer's soul?   5.

JULY @voguemagazine

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Jun 16, 2017 at 2:42pm PDT

R.I.P. whatever ostrich had to die for this outfit.    4.

Daya

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Aug 12, 2017 at 9:38pm PDT

This looks like some type of Indiana Jones reboot where Indiana Jones is now a multiracial teenage girl. And confused. By Nazis, I suppose. I'm not sure if you like that idea, but it already sounds 100 times better than Crystal Skull.   3.

Tonight at the 'Without a Net; The Digital Divide in America' documentary premiere NYFF ✨

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Oct 3, 2017 at 7:26pm PDT

I have a solitaire game on my iPhone that lets me pick what the back of the cards look like. I just changed it to this photo. It used to be a picture of a cat sitting on a toilet. If you wanted to know.   2.

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Nov 10, 2016 at 4:18pm PST

I obviously have some sort of 1920's flapper fetish to rank this one so high. But then again... who doesn't? Am I right?   1. 

🦁@glamourmag

A post shared by Zendaya (@zendaya) on Oct 4, 2017 at 3:03pm PDT

Oh look, she's uhh... a goddess. That's pretty awesome. Uhh... Isis, maybe? No, Isis the Egyptian goddess and divine mother of the pharaoh. Not ISIS. Geez. Or maybe one of the Nine Muses or something? Euterpe? Does that sound right? I'm not quite sure. She could be Princess Zelda for all I know. Her ears are covered up, after all. Those could be elf ears.

Ed Ranks Regional Pizza Styles

Nectar of the gods.

Pizza, it's delicious! Let's talk about the various regional styles. In the United States, I mean. I'm not willing to dedicate enough time and effort to figure out various Italian and worldwide styles that might exist.

 9. St. Louis

St. Louis-style pizza is much like all other St. Louis-style cuisines (such as St. Louis BBQ), e.g. MEDIOCRE. Haha, got you, St. Louis! Seriously though. This style of pizza is on an unleavened large cracker and served with a disgusting style of processed cheese that I've never heard of and which isn't really available outside of the city. You can keep your cheese and you can keep your pizza, STL. You can also keep Nelly. Please. Nobody wants Nelly. We'll keep Ozzy Smith though. 

8. Quad City

Not only had I not heard of Quad City-style pizza prior to researching this article, I had never even heard of the Quad Cities. Apparently, they are "a region of five cities in northwest Illinois and southeastern Iowa, consisting of Davenport and Bettendorf in Iowa; and Rock Island, Moline, and East Moline in Illinois." That's right, the QUAD (Latin for "four") Cities consist of FIVE (English for "Five") cities.  Out of principle I want to rank this last without any further research, but then I saw that St. Louis Pizza was served on a damn cracker and I knew I honestly couldn't rank Quad City pizza lower than cracker pizza.

The foil under it is actually more appetizing.

7. Jumbo Slice

Jumbo Slice is found only in Washington, D.C. In principle it should rank up there with New York-style pizza. Because it's (again, in principle) just a really, really, really large New York-style pizza.  Unfortunately, every Jumbo Slice I've ever eaten tastes like floppy, wet cardboard that's dripping in grease. Not necessarily the type of grease you'd use in food though. More like whatever the active ingredient in Soul Glo is.

6. California 

Sorry Wolfgang Puck, "gourmet" pizza is dumb. I know you think this is fancy by putting it in a wood-grilled oven and putting on ingredients that can include chicken, BBQ sauce, goat cheese, salmon, broccoli, and crap like that. No.

5. Greek

Greek-style pizza is cooked in a shallow pan, although it's nothing like the Chicago "pan" style you might be thinking of. It's usually heavy on sauce and lighter on cheese (I actually have no problem with this). Technically it can still be Greek-style even if it doesn't have traditional "Greek" toppings like feta, olives, and onion. Usually you find this pizza in Greek shops that sell other stuff like gyros.

4. New Haven

Technically, I wouldn't even know what New Haven-style pizza is, if it weren't for the Pete's Apizza chain. It's pretty much your standard New York-style crust, but with less tomato sauce and grated pecorino romano instead of mozzarella. The "white clam pie" is the most famous type of New Haven-style pizza, yes... with clams on it. It's actually pretty good.

Like Chicago Pizza. But square. See? Different!

3. Detroit

Detroit-style pizza is like Chicago Pizza except that it's usually square shaped and the crust can be even deeper and crustier (it's typically twice-baked) than Chicago Deep Dish. Niiiiiiice. It also used brick cheese instead of mozzarella. Detroit is in Michigan though, so this can be excused.

2. Chicago

I don't know why there are so many Chicago-style pizza haters. Chicago pizza is fantastic and delicious. Deep Dish rules! And were you aware that there were actually two different Chicago deep dish styles? One of them is the more traditional deep dish that you're probably familiar with, and the other one is more of a "stuffed" pizza. Both are delicious. Stop complaining about it, New Yorkers. It's perfectly good.

1. New York

Pornographic cheeeeeeeeese!

New York-style pizza IS pizza. It's more "pizza" than pizza from Italy is pizza. And don't try to argue with me about how that's impossible because pizza "came" from Italy. Really? Because topped flat-bread-style foods similar to pizza have been made since the neolithic age. Does the specific toppings that pizza have on it make it uniquely Italian? Well, tomatoes came from South America, so try again.

ANYWAY, NY Pizza (as if it needs to be explained) is the famous large, hand-tossed, thin crust pizza that is accompanied with tomato sauce, mozzarella, and a bajillion other possible toppings. It's sold by the slice or by the whole pie. You can also fold it in half. If you can't fold it in half, then the crust is garbage and you should throw it away.

There are other pizza styles that you think I might be missing, like Hawaiian Pizza. Well, that's not ACTUALLY a pizza style. It's just New York pizza with ham and pineapple on it.

Ed Ranks Mega Man 2 Robot Masters

Great game. Crap box art.

In the year 200X, a super robot named Mega Man was created. Dr. Light created Mega Man to stop the evil desires of Dr. Wily. However, after his defeat, Dr. Wily created eight of his own robots to counter Mega Man.

These are those Robot Masters (level bosses), ranked.

8. Wood Man - Hahaha, WOOD MAN? It sounds super easy to defeat a robot made out of wood. Heat Man's Atomic Fire should work pretty well. Maybe throw some water on him so he warps. Or just smash him in the face with an axe. Who makes a robot out of wood?

7. Flash Man - Flash Man sounds like he's a robot designed to open up his trench coat in public, revealing nudity beneath it. Dr. Wily is probably crazy enough to design a robot like that. Although I'll admit, that Time Stopper he drops when you kill him is awesome. Although you can't use it on bosses. And why do we need a Flash Man and a Quick Man?

6. Crash Man - Crash Man is a forgettable Robot Master. If I wasn't looking at the Mega Man Wiki website, I wouldn't be able to name him. The weapon he drops for you is also that weird bullet that looks like a spinning top. I never really used it.

5. Quick Man - Heh, Quick Man. I feel really bad for Mrs. Quick Man, AMIRIGHTPEOPLE? Although Quick Man has that awesome thing on his head that makes him look like a Gundam Robot. And he throws Boomerangs. So he's obviously an Australian Robot.

Oh yeah, this level was fun/annoying.

4. Bubble Man - Bubble Man is the water one. Water levels are always cool. Plus I used that Bubble Weapon his his a lot. Against more enemies than just Heat Man.

3. Heat Man - Heat Man could be cooler. Uhh... I mean HOTTER? In theory, the villain who throws fire at people should be ranked #1. And his Atomic Fire weapon that he gives you to face other enemies is sort of nice. But his graphics make him look a little bit like he's a yellow jack-in-the-box. And the square picture of him on the main screen makes him look like Krang with a learning disability. Still #3 though, not too shabby.

2. Air Man - A lot of walkthroughs tell you face Air Man first, but I always found his level super difficult. All the Robot Masters drop weapons that help you defeat other Robot Masters. So one of the guys you got to face first before you get any special weapon. The bottom line though: Air Man has a giant spinning blade as his chest. AWE-SOME.

1. Metal Man - Not only the coolest name, but also the coolest look and the coolest weapon. Metal Man sounds like he plays lead guitar for Overkill, looks like a samurai with a saw blade on his helmet and THROWS SAW BLADES AT PEOPLE. AGHHH!!!! SAW BLADES!!!!  I always faced Metal Man last after the other seven. This dude was the bosses of bosses. Well, you know, other than Dr. Wily and his stupid alien hologram.

Ed Ranks the Genera of Adelieae by How Cool It Would be to Visit their Native Lands

The most exciting Ranking... EVER!!!

Adelieae is a tribe of the subfamily Acalyphoideae, under the family Euphorbiaceae, a flowering plant also known as "Spurge."

HELL YEAH, IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT SPURGE!

There are five genera in the Adelieae tribe. They are native to different parts of the world. And sometimes, the same part of the world.

Let's say an insane botanist gives you free plane tickets to visit any of the native lands of the five genera. Hey, it could happen. This is how I would rank those flowering plant habitats:

5. Enriquebeltrania (formerly Beltrania) - Native to western and southern Mexico. Which I guess is good if you want to be murdered by the Jalisco New Generation Cartel. No thanks.

4. Crotonogynopsis - Native to tropical Africa. Yikes. Watch out for the Ebola. But I guess Ebola can be treated, right? You know what can't be treated? Being beheaded by Mexican cartels.

3. Leucocroton - Native exclusively to Cuba. I guess it would be cool to check out Cuba, right?

2. Lasiocroton - My friend, get your insane botanist's ticket ready for an awesome Caribbean adventure! This plant genus is native to the Bahamas, Cuba, Haiti, and Jamaica.

1.Adelia (AKA Ricinella) - The eponymous genera that gives the tribe its name. Native to a wide number of countries, ranging all the way for Argentina to Texas, as well as in the West Indies. You can pretty much take your insane botanist's plane ticket to anywhere in Latin America. Sweet. So many choices.

Ed Ranks Cereal

There are hundreds of different types of cereals. For this list, I'll just rank the top-10 selling cereals in the United States.  And no, I am not ranking them by the amount they sell. That would be stupid. I wouldn't be doing any work at all. The person who did the math to find out the top-10 selling cereals would be the person who technically ranked them. I'd just be "listing" them and this isn't "Ed Lists Everything."  So I will rank them by how awesome they ACTUALLY are. Because some people have bad taste and are buying crap.

10. Special K - Who the hell eats Special K? Fat white women who want to lose weight, that's who. I'm not sure if you realized that question was rhetorical.

They're greeeeat! But not as great as human flesh.

9. Frosted Flakes - This is the #2 selling cereal in America. Really? It's boring ass corn flakes with some powdered sugar on it. How boring is that? And corn flakes were already perfectly find and delicious without sugar on them. Actually, I prefer corn flakes to Frosted Flakes. And we all know that Tony the Tiger is an apex predator and a carnivore. He doesn't eat corn flakes. He eats ungulates, preferably those weighing at least 90 kg. And sometimes people.

8.  Fruit Loops - These do not actually taste like fruit. They taste like artificial fruit flavors. They are the solid form of the bottle of "purple drink" you get from the grocery store.

7. Raisin Bran - Solid choice, I have nothing bad to say about Raisin Bran. Although the Crunchy Raisin Bran with the bits of granola in it is much better and should be the more purchased variety.

6. Frosted Mini Wheats - Unlike my opinion on Frosted Flakes, I actually do prefer the Frosten Mini Wheats to the un-frosted variety. The un-frosted variety is sort of like eating a big block of healthy grain. And who wants to do that for breakfast?

5. Cheerios - Solid, delicious cereal. Good stuff.

4. Honey Nut Cheerios - Even better! Although do you think they actually put honey on this or is it just corn syrup? I bet it's corn syrup.

3. Lucky Charms - Basically just a bowl of sugar, but important enough so that I've already ranked the marshmallows in it.

2. Honey Bunches of Oats - Variety is the spice of life. This cereal has your standard flakes, but then it mixes up all sorts of delicious granola bits and other stuff in it too.

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch - The greatest cereal. It doesn't even need an explanation.

America's #1 Source of Sugar "Whole Grain"