Ed Ranks Things to do with Activated Charcoal Now that it's 2018

You're probably not strong enough to press this into a diamond.
So that option doesn't even make this list.

So, you're a brainless moron that likes to follow lame fads, huh? Yeah, 2017 was the year of activated charcoal. Activated charcoal ice cream. Activated charcoal toothpaste. Smoothies. Pizza. Detox pills. And so on.

But as a brainless moron that follows fads, you now realize that it's 2018 rather than 2017, and therefore all the magical properties of activated charcoal in 2017 have magically vanished in favor of whatever the new fad is this year. What are you going to do with all those stockpiles of activated charcoal that you bought last year?

Well, I have some ideas...

10. Do Crazy Pranks with It Where You Pretend it's Grampa's Ashes - This is in pretty poor taste, so I wouldn't recommend it. Hypothetically, you could find some old urn at an antiques shop (or just buy a flower pot that sort of looks like an urn) and carry it around with you on the subway. Then pretend to trip up and spill the activated charcoal everywhere. Then when you do, put on the fake tears and go, "Grandpaaaaa, noooooo!" Why would you do this? Just to make other people uncomfortable? I don't know. Look, I already said I wouldn't recommend doing this. I'm just throwing it out there.

9. Try to Turn It into Pencils or Something Like That - Activated charcoal is made from carbon. So is the graphite in pencils. Surely there must be some way to take all your activated charcoal and turn it into pencils or something, right? You might need to do some more research on this one.

8. Try to Create New Life, You Mad Scientist You - All life as we know it is made from carbon, as we are carbon-based lifeforms. Using this base carbon material, perhaps you'll want to see if you can replace God herself and create new life in some Dr. Frankenstein-like experiement.  The reason why this probably won't be likely is because mad scientists are typically... well... scientists. And scientists usually don't buy into unscientific fads like buying activated carbon for nonsensical reasons.

7. Grill with It - Charcoal is charcoal, people. Might as well see if you can at least get some tasty burgers out of this ordeal.

6. Try to Give it All to Gwyneth Paltrow - This sounds like exactly the type of crap that Goop is still selling. Maybe try to make it her problem now.

5. Actually Use It for Its Intended Medical Purpose - Activated charcoal can bind to other substances on its surface, meaning that there is actually a valid medical purpose hidden somewhere behind the hype. Its been shown to help people survive ingestion of toxins and arsenic. But what the hell are you? A spy or something? Who is going to give you arsenic?

4. Throw It in the Garbage - Look, you're not going to have a return on investment if you choose this option. Still, sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and be done with the whole thing.

3. Hold on to It for 4 Years, then Ship it to the Mid-West for Profit - If you still feel like there is a chance you can make some money off of your poor life choices, then you should maybe put your activated charcoal in a corner of your garage for four years and let it sit there for a bit. Remember that people who live in fly-over states are already five years behind the times anyway. In about five years, the activated charcoal craze should JUST be starting in Minnesota. Then it's time to SELL SELL SELL.

2. Assemble It into a Giant Art Piece that Condemns Mankind's Hubris - This one is fairly self-explanatory.

1. Light It Aflame and Burn all the Fidget Spinners that You Also Bought Last Year - Let's not mince words here. If you bought anything with activated charcoal in it last year, chances are you also bought at least eight fidget spinners. As explained above, charcoal burns. You might as well create a pyre now to burn all your 2017 regrets. Try not to breathe in the fumes from the burning plastic of the fidget spinners though - it's probably toxic. Although I guess you could put on a gas mask to avoid the fumes. The mask uses activated charcoal as a filter to... no... WAIT!... you burned all your activated charcoal! The gas mask is worthless now. Well, I guess you'll die. Guess you should have stuck with the kale fad, you brainless moron.