Ed Ranks Seinfeld Characters

A logo. How interesting.

HEY! Seinfeld is a show that everybody remembers and loves, right? You can still watch it every day on cable. How about I rank it's characters?  The four main characters are probably too small of a number of characters to rank, so I'll rank all characters that appear in over 20 episodes. Except Ruthie Cohen, who appeared as an extra at the cafe in over a hundred episodes. She doesn't count.

Uncle Leo only appeared in 15 episodes and Puddy was only in 11. So you won't see them. Sorry. Feel free to write and complain about it to my official email address, goeatabagofdicks@rickflair2020.net

11. Cosmo Kramer - Seriously, fuck this guy. Is this not the most annoying neighbor ever? I know that is supposed to be the point of him, but if this guy was my neighbor I would literally murder him. He's not funny or "wacky." He's just awful. I know some of this animosity might be filtered by a Michael Richard's post N-Word rants... but who cares? I never really liked him before or after.

10. Susan Ross - By now, you probably know that everyone in the cast and crew of Seinfeld hated Susan Ross. And by that, I don't mean that they wanted to kill off the character because they thought that, for story line purposes, having George with a fiancée was a dead end story. I mean that practically EVERYONE who made the show despised the actress that played Susan, Heidi Swedberg, and wanted her off the show so that they would never have to see her again. And so they killed her. With stamps.

9. Estelle Costanza - Hearing Estelle Harris talk is about the same as jamming a sharpened pencil into your ear. Is that antisemitic to say? God, I hope not.

7/8 (Tie).  Helen and Morty Seinfeld - Seinfeld's mom and dad just kind of existed on the show, didn't they? What did they ever do that was interesting? Not much. They were just there. It was like, "Oh Yeah, I guess Jerry should have parents, huh? Let's use them to make fun of retirement homes."

6. J. Peterman - Peterman was in a lot of episodes in the last several seasons. I guess he was sort of a funny character. There was that whole poppy seed thing. Remember that? Eh.

This Wikipedia image seems like a good hotlink.

5. Jerry Seinfeld - That's right. Jerry himself, the main character, is down here at five. Remember my ranking of Final Fantasy XII characters? Remember how I argued that the main character was the most boring character? This applies the same here. Jerry is the show's straight man that liked cereal, Superman, and constantly dated and then discarded women for nonsensical reasons. Whatever. That's about all there is to him.

4. Frank Costanza - Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza is awesome. Any episode with Frank is going to be a good episode. And did I mention Festivus yet? Because FESTIVUS, PEOPLE!!!

3. Newman - Hell yeah, Newman! It's sort of arbitrary that a stand-up comedian that lives in an apartment in Manhattan has an ARCH NEMESIS, but then again arbitrary can be a good thing. It's a shame that Newman got killed by those Dilophosauruses though, huh?

2. Elaine Benes - This was actually pretty hard, and I was originally thinking of ranking Elaine as #1.  But really, I'm just thinking about how awesome Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in Veep. Elaine is still great, but there is one better...

1. George Costanza - It's often said that George Costanza was based on Larry David himself.  The more I watch reruns of Seinfeld though, I'm convinced that EVERY CHARACTER was Larry David, in one way or another. But George mostly so.  Trust me, this show was really Costanza, not Seinfeld. Like how Dawson's Creek was really Pacey's Creek.