Ed Ranks the Official Things of Manitoba

8. Newdale Soil, the official Soil of Manitoba - Yep, Manitoba has an official dirt. It's technically called Orthic Black Chernozem. Doesn't that fill you with excitement?

Behold... grass!

7. Big Bluesteam, the official Grass of Manitoba - Also known as Andropogon gerardi.  A  mid-successional grass in prairie ecosystems. It grows in tall, dense stands that shade out other plant species. At least it's slightly more interesting than dirt since it grows.

6. White Spruce, the official Tree of Manitoba - A big evergreen tree. Enjoy picking those damn pine cones up from everywhere under it. And all that sap. Worthless, worthless sap that doesn't even turn into maple syrup.

5. Walleye, the official Fish of Manitoba - Called pickerel in some places. This fish is super Canadian and can pretty much only be found in Canada or the northern United States. So think about catching some of these the next time you go fishing in Manitoba. I guess. Whatever.

4. Prairie Crocus, the official Flower of Manitoba - Okay, we get it Manitoba. You're a prairie place. You have prairie dirt and prairie grass and prairie flowers. Can you think of anything else that is evocative of prairies while you're at it?

3. Plains Bison, the official Mammal of Manitoba - Nice. Good one, Manitoba. You called my bluff and you prairie-ed me once again with the ultimate prairie animal. Everyone loves bison. So large and majestic. Hopefully, you did a better job at not killing them all up there in Canada than we shitty Americans did down here.

2. Great Grey Owl, the official Bird of Manitoba - Oh yeah, owls are awesome. I love me some owls. Good work. You could have been basic and chosen some type of loon, goose, dove or hawk. But you didn't. You chose that creepy bird that has the ability to stare right through your soul.

Why does it have to make that "Pun Dog" face?

1. Mosasaur, the official Fossil of Manitoba - Oh geez, will you look at this thing? This is so awesome. I don't know what this is, but I'm not even going to be able to sleep tonight looking at its haunting skeleton. This thing is total nightmare fuel. It used to live in Canada? I am so damn glad that this thing went extinct in the K-Pg event 66 million years ago. Which I will remind everyone was caused by Adric.  This looks like a dominant marine predator here if I ever saw one.

Ed Ranks the Events of August 25

Look, there is nothing special about August 25. It's not my birthday or anything. It's just that today is August 25 - so let's talk about August 25. That seems topical or something, right?

Depressing.

10. August 25, 2001 - Aaliyah dies in a plane crash. FUCK, this sucks. Let's rank it at the bottom. 

9. August 25, 1883 – France and Viet Nam sign the Treaty of Huế, recognizing a French protectorate over Annam and Tonkin. Well, this should definitely end well and lead to a peaceful resolution of French occupation decades letter.

8. August 25, 1270 – King Louis IX of France dies in Tunis while on the Eighth Crusade. Shitting himself to death. Bloody, bloody shit. Hey, I've talked about this before.

7. August 25, 1920 – The Battle of Warsaw concludes in the Polish–Soviet War. While Poland was on the verge of total collapse, they fought back and the battle ended with the total defeat of the Red Army. Yeah, FUCK YOU RUSSIA. Poland finally gets to win one for once.

6. August 25, 1894 – Baron Kitasato Shibasaburō discovers and identifies the bubonic plague. That's right. A Japanese guy did that. Bet your shitty Western textbooks never taught you that. I bet they never taught you that Japan had Barons. Hell, I just learned that. Up until 1894 I suppose people thought the black plague was probably just caused by witches and shit. Not really, but I'm trying to be funny here. Give me a break.

Galileo with fleshlight telescope.

5. August 25, 1609 – Galileo Galilei demonstrates his first telescope to Venetian lawmakers. Good for you, Galileo. I guess that's important for science and stuff, huh?

4. August 25, 1543 – The first Europeans arrive in Japan... with firearms. Well, there goes the neighborhood.

3. August 25, 1814 – British troops march into Washington, DC and burn down the Library of Congress, United States Treasury, Department of War, and several other buildings. Ouch.

2. August 25, 1944 – Paris is liberated by the Allies. You're welcome.

1. August 25, 1976 - Alexander Skarsgård is born. 

Ed Ranks Lego Themes

Lego - both an amazing, fun toy that encourages kids to be creative as well as a deadly weapon equal to a landmine when you step on it.  Lego has a bunch of amazing themes. Here are the top twelve.


12. Lego Bionicle - This was a thing for a while, remember? It was a Lego toy with a plot and all those crazy Polynesian-sounding names. Now it's not anymore.

Ah, memes. 

11.  Lego Lord of the Rings - There is nothing special about this movie tie-in Lego line other than it gives me an excuse to put up the Legless Lego Legolas meme. And there it is.  Enjoy.

10. Lego Ninjago - I know nothing about this other than seeing the ads for the coming movie. It looks wacky and funny or something, right?  Let's not go crazy Lego. You already released Lego Batman earlier this year. Do we absolutely need two Lego movies a year?

9. Lego Super Heroes - Previously a number of comic book movies came out and Lego put out individual toy lines for them. Lego Batman, Lego Spider-Man, and so on. Finally they created a line just called "Super Heroes" and merged them all together - Marvel and DC alike. Nifty.

8.  Lego Architecture - This is the one where you build the Empire State Building and Eiffel Tower and all that. Pretty cool.

7. Lego Technic - Technic has been around since the 70s and is still going strong. It was a little different and unique with all those gears and stuff. Yeah, gears!

6.  Lego City - Another long-lasting line, starting out way back in the day as "Lego Town" before it was upgraded into a city. This is where you get the building sets, the police vehicles, construction trucks, etc.

5. Lego Star Wars - Landing the rights to Star Wars in 1999 was a major score for Lego. I'm sure it had something to do with Kenner being on the way out after it was bought out and merged into Hasbro. People could finally make tie fighters, the death star, the Millennium Falcon, and all those great fun things. It also led to the Lego Star Wars video game series.
 

Not Robin Hood.
Apparently.

4.  Lego Castle - This was the awesome medieval set with all the knights, horses, catapults, castles, and that dude who looked just like Robin Hood but they wouldn't call "Robin Hood" and instead called "Forestman." Why? It's not like Robin Hood is under some sort of copyright. It's public domain. Let him be Robin Hood! Discontinued in 2014 because Lego is stupid for some reason.

3. Lego Creator - Creator is awesome because it's a little bit of everything. Buildings, cars, animals, and all sorts of bricks for random things to be... you know... creative. It's sort of the basic Lego set, and actually replaced what was "Lego Basic." 

2.  Lego Space - Another one that got discontinued. WHAT?! How the hell does Lego get rid of Lego Space?  With the awesome astronaut with that cool logo. The space shuttles, oxygen tanks, moon buggies, space command centers, space police, etc.  Is it because of Lego Star Wars? Forget that, it's just a branded theme. Space was their own thing and it was awesome.

Hell yes!

1. Lego Pirates - Clearly the greatest ever. Lego Pirates had pirates and pirate ships and cannons and parrots, and all that good stuff. Is it stupidly discontinued too? Of course it is. Something tells me I need to go to Denmark and smack some Lego people in their stupid faces to make them bring the pirates back. Or better yet I'll make those scurvy seadogs walk the plank.

Ed Ranks the High Council of Civilization II

Sid Meier's Civilization II came out in 1996 and I probably spent the latter half of the Nineties doing little else other than playing it.  Within the game, the player had the ability to consult a "High Council" for advice. The council consisted of short video clips of actors portraying five advisors - experts in Military, Science, Trade, Foreign, and Elvis. Yes, Elvis. I guess you could call him "Morale" or "Attitude" instead. But to be honest he was just Elvis being Elvis. Over time, the video clips changed the depictions of the actors from ancient to medieval to modern times.  Civ2 was the best, and this is how the five advisors are ranked:

5. Science Advisor

Depicted as a pretty stereotypical, sniveling nerd. In ancient times he's a dork in a toga, in medieval times he's sort of a whiny jester, and in modern times he's totally a pocket protector kinda guy in a white lab coat. What a lame-o. The only interesting thing this guy ever does is occasionally encourage you to steal technology from others.

Portrayed by: Thomas Seibert


Did the actor do anything else? Nope, IMDB lists Civ2 as his only credit.

4. Military Advisor

By no means do I dislike the Military Advisor. In fact, he's pretty hilarious and awesome. He's this giant dude with a shaved head who seems to just shout at everything. In ancient times he starts off as some type of angry councilman, in medieval times he's in full knight regalia, and in modern times he's totally cosplaying Norman Schwarzkopf in the Gulf War. Oh, occasionally he seems to be drunk too. He's wonderful and you should probably listen to his advice already and just build more damn barracks. 

Portrayed by: Brad Howard


Did the actor do anything else? He was apparently a reenactor in The Quest for Captain Kidd, a 2001 documentary narrated by Mel Gibson about the expedition to search for Captain Kidd's flagship, the Adventure Galley. IMDB doesn't specifically say who Brad Howard portrayed, but just based on his look I'm going to go ahead and assume that he was Captain Kidd in this. So he can probably claim he was the star and title character in a Mel Gibson film. Not too shabby.

3. Elvis 

Like I said, I guess we could call this guy "Attitude Advisor" instead... but he's just Elvis. In ancient time he's Elvis wearing ancient clothes. In medieval times he's Elvis wearing medieval clothes. And in modern times he's just Elvis wearing Elvis clothes. He'll frequently tell you that the people need to be happy in order that your civilization succeed. In doing so, he typically references some sort of Elvis song or calls you "King."  He's full of puns.

Portrayed by: It kills me to say this, but he wasn't actually played by Elvis, what with Elvis being dead and all. Elvis was portrayed by Frank Wagner.
 

Did the actor do anything else? He has the longest IMDB entry of all five actors, having had roles in TV Movies called Anatomy of a Seduction, Perfect People and The Cover Girl and the Cop; TV shows including T.J. Hooker and Riptide; as well as the films Alien Nation and Breaking the Rules.

2. Foreign Advisor

This lady is straight up boss. In addition to being the only female advisor, she was also ruthless. Even when she was encouraging people to make peace or do good things - she usually ended her comments with some aside like, "So we can betray them later!" or "So we can exploit them!"  Civ2 believed in Realpolitik, no doubt. She began with an outfit looking something like Athena in ancient times, then was dressed like a medieval damsel before finally becoming a black-laden and beret-wearing spy with a highly questionable "moose-and-squirrel" Russian spy accent. Did I mention that she was hot? I know it's sexist to say but I was a teenager playing this game and I just want to point out how hot she was.

Portrayed by: April Cantor
 

Did the actor do anything else? She apparently had an uncredited role in Frank Oz's What About Bob? and served as a "Second Unit Director or Assistant Director" and "Miscellaneous Crew" in later films that nobody has heard of.

1. Trade Advisor

This guy is the best. He has the best lines, including "You weak-minded eunich!" and "Traaaaaaade sir, discover it! This is you... this is a clue. Get a clue! Discover Trade!"  He begins looking all anciently regal with a red cloak, then has fine red velvety clothes as a rich medieval merchant before finally transforming into a Wall Street douchebag for modern times. Everything this dude says is smug, condescending and hilarious. And all his advice encouraged the player to get richer and richer - so I pretty much only listened to him.

Portrayed by: Spencer Humm
 

Did the actor do anything else? Although not a prolific film actor (he appeared uncredited in Superstar and then in a short film called Intervention as "the AA"), Spencer Humm is a comedian and for many, many years was one half of the sword fighting comedy duo "Hack and Slash" that appeared at Renaissance Fares across the country. He was Slash, in case you were wondering.

Ed Ranks Warplane Livery

10. Whatever the Hell is Going on Here

Way too much. Liberty Hall, The Vietnam Memorial, Mount Rushmore, a Space Shuttle, and the Marine Corps War Memorial? Sorry. Trying too hard to be 'murican. Be more subtle. See #5 below to do this right. 

9. A Giant Target that Shouts "Please Shoot Here!" 

Okay UK, we know that is the official roundel of the Royal Air Force. But... really? That doesn't remind you of a bullseye at all? You could have thought that insignia through a little better. And a lot of good that camouflage does with a target on it. 

8. Nothing

Just gray? Ugh. 

7. Camouflage

No, I get it. I won't mock jet camo for not being blue. Aircraft are on the ground more than in the sky. You think they'd be in hangars though. Or the camo would be gray to look like a runway. Whatever, planes can be set against a lot of different backgrounds and camo can't cover them all. That's not my problem with camo. My problem is, like with no decoration at all, it's simply boring. 

6. Birds

Birds are just a little too obvious. We get it. Planes can fly. Birds can fly. I guess the exception would be something sleek and stylized like the bottom of a Thunderbird. That looks cool. 

5. National Insignias and Symbols (aside from Examples Above) 

Stars, stripes, things that have deep national meaning - it's all good stuff. So long as your insignia doesn't include a broad pastiche of national landmarks and/or a bullseye.

4. Realistic(-ish) Animals

Boars, mighty stags, tigers, wolves and all sorts of cool predators that I can't think of now. Those are good symbols. Just don't go for birds. Birds are lazy. 

3. Cartoon Characters

Whether it's Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, some random cartoon mascot, or a caricature of Hitler getting hit with a hammer by Uncle Sam - cartoon characters are always a fantastic way to go for your airplane livery. 

2. Pinup Girls

What's the point of even going to war if you're not going to have a sexy (or sexist, whatever) antiquated depiction of a pinup girl on the nose of your aircraft? You might as well surrender now if you take this away, because the bad guys have already won. 

1. Angry Shark Faces

OH SHIT! Do you know what you do when you see this scary ass stuff coming towards you? YOU RUN! No way you can outrun a warplane, but you have to run anyway. A flying angry shark is going to kill you. Make peace with that.

Ed Ranks Fictional Countries in DC Comics

Paying attention in political science class and learning about other countries is hard. Also, you don't want to piss off other real countries by having villainous characters live or rule there. Perhaps it's best just to make up random countries for your comic book stories, eh?

13. Pokolistan - Depicted as a former Soviet Republic ruled by General Zod. Ugh, really? Did DC comics need yet ANOTHER old communisty fictional country added to their line up of fake countries? Surely the writers could have bothered to find one of the other twelve existing fake countries below and used one of those. It also has a REALLY stupid name, in case you couldn't tell.

Seen nowhere in Thalarion.

12. Thalarion - Stolen from Lovecraft and then made to be part of the Wonder Women continuity by being an island of bizarro male warriors. Lazy. Was there not some other actual Greek source to borrow from? And if you're going to steal from Lovecraft, then this island better have some unknown dark force of the old ones living on it. Or under it in the depths of the sea. And it better be described using a lot of unnecessary and creepy-sounding adjectives like "edritch."

11. Corto Maltese - A banana republic off the coast of South America, Corto Maltese represents all of Frank Miller's intensely right wing depictions of filthy commie brown people that we have come to know from anything done by Frank Miller (300, anyone?). So Miller of course sends Superman there (by order of the President) to beat those dirty commies because 'MURICA.

10. Markovia - Markovia is a small Eastern European country ruled by the Markov family. Which is stupid. That would be like if America was named after its ruler Tom Americ or if France was named after Pierre Le France. In the end, Markovia is just a stupid version of Marvel's Latveria, minus having any cool guy like Doctor Doom associated with it.

9. Vlatava - Vlatava is  the largest river in the Czech Republic, but it's name was borrowed to become a country connected to Count Vertigo and The Spectre. But these characters are boring and nobody cares about them. You know how Marvel is digging deep to pull out characters that most people aren't familiar with like the Guardians of the Galaxy? Well yeah... DC would have to dig REALLY deep and be hella desperate before they ever got around to these lame-os.

8. Qurac - A middle eastern country and "State sponsor of terrorism" that is clearly not Iraq, despite the fact that a whole lot of storylines about it appeared in comics around 2003ish. No, clearly not Iraq. Clearly. Not. Iraq. Clearly.

A comic zero people want to read.

7. Atlantis - Is this even technically a country? It's been interpreted in the comics as a lost "city" or even a lost "continent." At any rate, at various times Aquaman has been considered the "king" of it and stuff like that, and I suppose a king technically is in charge of what we'd call a nation-state. So let's go ahead and call this a country. A country run by a loser who talks to fish. Yeah, I know DC comics has done everything it can over the last two plus decades to try to reinterpret Aquaman as badass. I'm not falling for it though. This is the fish guy. And what kind of lazy writer just borrows from old Greek legends?

6. Themyscira - Oh. Uhm. The "country" (I suppose?) that Wonder Woman is from. This place is chock full of stuff stolen from Greek myth. I suppose if Atlantis is a country then this is a country too. It's a better country than Atlantis though, since it's full of a bunch of women who just spend all their time fighting.

5. Kahndaq - In DC comics, the Sinai Peninsula is its own country called Kahndaq and that's where Black Adam is from. It used to be some sort of ancient Egyptian empire or something, and the ancient wizard Shazam entombed Adam there for several millennia until he broke out and took the throne again. Or something like that. Whatever.

4. Santa Prisca - A Caribbean island which is the birthplace of Bane. What, you don't think Tom Hardy looked like a Caribbean native in The Dark Knight Rises?  Clearly he's Caribbean! Didn't you notice Tom Hardy's perfect Santa Priscian accent? That's right... everyone in Santa Prisca speaks in indiscernible sing-song mumbles.

The n.W.o. black and red of countries.

3. Kasnia - It's hard enough keeping track of all those Balkan countries as it is. Why do we need even more fictional Balkan countries? Still, Kasnia is awesome because it comes from Superman: The Animated Series, which is awesome and the entire DC Animated Universe is awesome. It appears later in Justice League and Batman Beyond. It even shows up in CW's Arrow. Hell yeah! Plus its black and red flag is pretty dapper.

2. Bialya - Hrm, this country seems to have a strangely similar spelling to "Libya" and its dictator, Col. Rumaan Harjavti, seems to have a strangely similar name to "Col. Muammar Gaddafi." Odd how that all coincidentally happened in the Justice League International comics that were launched in 1987. Very odd indeed. Still, more subtle than The Transformers with its Abdul Fakkadi, Supreme Military Commander, President-for-Life, and King of Kings of the Socialist Democratic Federated Republic of Carbombya. Hope you didn't have any friends in Bialya though, as Black Adam committed massive genocide and murdered every single resident of Bialya during DC Comics' World War III tie in to the 52 Series. Which is enough to make a DC Comics fictional country actually interesting. For once.

1. Kooey Kooey Kooey - Another invention of the Justice League International-era, it is super awesome because it is essentially just meant to be a parody of Marvel Comics' Krakoa with the even more insane eventual revelation that Kooey Kooey Kooey was a giant sentient monster that would occasionally get bored and move somewhere else. I can only imagine the ramifications to the UN and international law about a nation being mobile and living. Booster Gold, Blue Beetle and Kilowog also opened up a casino resort on it - so there's that. Those bros were always up to mad hijinks.

Ed Ranks Bernard Shaw Plays by What He Assumes they are About

Santa?

Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw wrote 29 full-length plays and many more short ones. I have read none of them. This is a ranking of all 29 full-length plays by what I assume they must be probably about.

29. Caesar and Cleopatra - Just Shakespeare's play Antony and Cleopatra which Shaw hoped to pass off as his own. He changed all the "thees" and "thous" into more modern words, and swapped out Antony for Caesar, thinking that nobody would even notice.

28. In Good King Charles's Golden Days - A play about R. Kelly peeing on Charles when he was a 14-year old. Universally reviled as "gross."

27. On the Rocks - A three-act structured play with all three parts simply being about a man sitting around in The Brazen Head pub in Dublin and drinking a Powers Whiskey. On the rocks. Obviously.

26. Major Barbara - Shaw's ode to the eighth song on Aerosmith's Classics Live I album.

25. The Simpleton of the Unexpected Isles - A play Shaw wrote about your mom.

24.  Misalliance - A farcical story about two global world powers teaming up to have a wacky alliance that made no sense. One was a fiercely bigoted country that believed its own people were the proud master race and the other side was a group of expansionist Asians. Everyone laughed heartily at how hilariously impossible the concept was because this was 1910.

23.  Fanny's First Play - An X-rated play about the vulva because that's what that term means over there on those crazy islands.

22. Geneva - A play, somewhat confusingly, all about Vienna, Austria.

21. Heartbreak House - About a small house in Vermont that a lonely suicidal man jumped out of. The house eventually became a bed and breakfast and was given the name "Heartbreak Hotel," inspiring the Elvis song of the same name.

20. Mrs Warren's Profession - About a married prostitute.*

19. You Never Can Tell - About a mute man who witnesses a murder but is also really bad at writing and sign language. Eventually he does learn sign language and he does tell. What a twist!

18.  Buoyant Billions - A play about a group of lifeguards including several females who had bosoms so big that it helped them stay afloat. Later adapted into the TV show "Baywatch."

17. Back to Methuselah - The thrilling sequel to Methuselah, Shaw's great lost play that was eaten by his dog, Skittles.

16. Widowers' Houses - In a small town in rural County Cork, the houses of a number of Irish widows are haunted by the souls of their dead husbands. Why? Because they were all MURDERED!!!

Munthe liked Revolutionary War cosplay.

15. The Devil's Disciple - A scathing play about Swedish-born physician and psychiatrist Axel Munthe, whom Shaw considered a personal rival due to his wife Charlotte's previous romance with him.

14. The Doctor's Dilemma - What will the Doctor do when he's forced between saving Romana and saving K-9? Stay tuned to BBC 1, this Saturday night.

13.  Captain Brassbound's Conversion - A six-hour long play with no intermissions that is simply a stream-of-consciousness retelling of this one time Shaw had a conversation with some guy named Captain Brassbound about the stunning defeat of the British troops by the Boers at Ladysmith, in the  Colony of Natal (modern day South Africa).

12.  Androcles and the Lion - Buddy comedy about a Spartan warrior who befriended the Lion he was supposed to face in gladiatorial combat. The two go on zany adventures together throughout the Peloponnese.

11. Too True to Be Good - A semi-autobiographical play about the time Shaw thought he fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, only to eventually realize that she was actually Henry Hyndman, founder of the Social Democratic Federation, playing a sneaky trick on him. The names were changed so that Shaw's character is referred to as "Peter" and Hyndman's character is named (by total coincidence) "J. Jonah Jameson, editor-in-chief of the Daily Bugle, as portrayed by J.K. Simmons" (usually just abbreviated in the play as "JJJEiCotDBapbJKS").

10. Arms and the Man - About a man whose arms go crazy on their own and start a killing spree. The 1999 Jessica Alba/Seth Green film "Idle Hands" was based on this play. 

9.  Man and Superman - Existentialist drama that ponders whether Superman is really Clark Kent in disguise or if Clark Kent is Superman in disguise. Which is the mask and which is the true face? Could it be both? Could it be neither? Can one exist without the other?

8. Getting Married - A tragedy about the horrible end of two people's lives.

7. The Philanderer - A play that you think is a hilarious roaring sex comedy until the last act, when it suddenly goes dark and the main character dies of neurosyphilis because Penicillin was still 35 years away from being discovered when this was written in 1893.

6. The Apple Cart - The story of the hustle and bustle of the Iveagh Market - but told from the perspective of an apple cart that is wheeled in down Francis Street every day.

5. John Bull's Other Island - Millionaire playboy Johnathan "Bull" Bullick is famous for having a mansion on one island. But what is on his other island? It's a mystery and a group of four young people and their pet dog attempt to find out. Later adapted into the cartoon "Scooby Doo."

4. Candida - About a moose who goes on crazy sugar-crazed adventure after eating the entire contents of the trash can behind a Tim Hortons.

3. The Millionairess - Evelyn Davenport-Smythe's rich father, Lord Davenport-Smythe III, dies and she becomes Lady Davenport. Along with the title, as his only child she inherits his fortune of millions. While she was previously disregarded by men for being too homely, now she finds herself surrounded by eight different suitors. But only one of them loves her for who she truly is instead of just being after her riches. Will she be able to figure out the man who really loves her before it's too late?

Flag for Unsportsmanlike Conduct.
15-Yard Penalty.

2. Saint Joan - Sarcastically-titled play about his next door neighbor, Molly, an opium addict who was convinced that she was Joan of Arc. She marches through Dublin demanding to have an audience with the long-dead Charles Valois, Dauphin of France.*

1. Pygmalion - His most famous work because it was eventually adapted by screenwriter Jay Huguely into the Magnum, P.I. episode "Professor Jonathan Higgins" (aired January 10, 1985) where Higgins desperately tries to turn his punk rock-loving distant cousin into a high society woman so that she can marry the heir to a local socialite.

*Note, these are the only two I even got close to right. 

Ed Ranks 10 things to do in Madrid, Iowa

Even its signage font is boring Arial.

So,  you purchased a really cheap vacation ticket to Madrid - only to find out later that you stupidly booked it for Madrid, Iowa instead of the one in Spain. Mistakes happen, and it's best not to dwell on them. I'm sure you could find ten things to do to pass the time.

10. Go to Madrid High School - Just for a minute. Then when you hang out with people years later you can be like, "Oh yeah, I went to high school in Madrid" to impress everyone. Technically you won't be lying. 

9. Enjoy the Daily Specials at Town & Country Cafe - Make sure to check out their Facebook Page  to see what the daily specials are, since they change every week. Boy I sure hope the meatloaf is on special soon!

8. Wait Until 2083 to See the Contents of the Madrid Centennial Time Capsule - A time capsule was put in the ground in 1983 with orders that it not be dug out for 100 years. What will be in there? Super Bowl XVII memorabilia? A rare, original Kenner Return of the Jedi "Lando Calrissian in Skiff Guard Disguise" action figure still in the box? A Betamax video of Staying Alive? This just might be worth sticking around to figure out.

7. Learn about Coal Mining History - Want to learn about the history of mining in the city, especially as it related to the Carpenter Coal Company (later renamed Scandia) and the Reese Brothers Coal Company?  You can probably ask around. Some old person in town will probably know something.

6. Check out the Iowa Arboretum - All 415 acres of it. Is there a butterfly garden too? You bet your ass there is.

5. Romance a Midwesterner - I mean why not? You're just in town for a few days. It's not like you have to listen to them calling soda "pop" for the rest of your life.You'll be gone soon. Unless you're waiting until 2083 to see the Time Capsule.

4. Meet all 25 ½ Black People - The city has a population of 2543 according to the last census, with 0.1% of the residents being African American. That means, mathematically, there should be 25.43 Black people in town. It doesn't seem like it would be that hard of a task to say hello to all of them.

3. Ride the High Trestle Trail - This 25-mile trail was named after a former 1913 rail bridge which spanned the nearby Des Moines River. The trail follows the route of a former Union Pacific freight line. And while you're biking the trail, you might as well check out the Flat Tire Lounge, a self-described "funky lounge" for bicyclists who like to ride the trail.

2. Go Bowling at Tiger Bowl - Home of the $10 deal. Two games, shoe rental, all you can eat 1-topping pizza for just ten bucks! Every time you come here... it's like a perfect strike.

1. Abuse Opiates - This is pretty much what happens in all of fly-over country.