Ed Ranks the Crusades (Part 1 of 3: The Mediocre)

Huzzah! A well tale of merriment, nay?

Oh look - it's the Crusades! How shall we define that somewhat nebulous term? How about we say they were "a series of religious wars sanctioned by the Latin Church (which I'll also occasionally refer to as "Catholic" and sometimes lazily just as "Christians" in these rankings) in the medieval period, especially campaigns with the aim of recovering the Holy Land from Islamic rule." There could be wider definitions, for sure. There were Crusades against heretics, pagans and even other rival Catholics. But just to set some ground rules:

• With the exception of one (dis)honorable mention to start off with, I'll only discuss the Latin efforts to recover the Holy Land from Islam. So no Livonia Crusades or anything like that. I know that will come as a relief to all you Livs out there to whom this is still a sore subject.
• If a Crusade started as a quest to the Holy Land but somehow got sidetracked to fighting fellow Christians (I'm looking at you, Fourth Crusade), I'll still count it.
• I'll limit the Crusades to the "traditional" definition of medieval Crusades -- from 1095 (the beginning of the First Crusade) until 1291 (the fall of Acre, the last Crusader castle of the Holy Land). This effectively ends things a few years after the Ninth Crusade. Were there other "Crusades" after 1291? Sure, but those were lame and post-medieval. Medieval is where it's at.
• Sometimes there are what I'll call "Sub-Crusades" within or immediately dependent upon the events of  a larger Crusade. Instead of ranking those separately, they'll be included as part the major Crusades (People's, 1101, 1197, Shepherds', and so on). The Eighth and Ninth Crusade will be counted separately, even though they're very much linked. Why? I dunno, blame the historians who gave them different numbers.

Based on that, I'll define a total of twelve Crusades, in this chronological order - First, Venetian, Second, Third, Fourth, Children's, Fifth, Sixth, Baron's, Seventh, Eighth, and Ninth.

Okay, so now how am I going to rank these twelve Crusades? How does one rank bloody religious wars? Do I rank from the perspective of the Crusaders and their success or failure? That seems pretty biased. So let's add more ground rules. These will be the general factors I'll use:

• Notable political/military outcomes: Were there amazing battles or vast changes over the control of territory and cities? An overwhelming victory, by one side or the other, will bump a Crusade up a few notches.
• Lasting outcomes: An overwhelming victory doesn't seem so overwhelming if a year later those gains are reversed. Think of Kim Kardashian as Jerusalem (no really... stick with me here). If you only conquer Jerusalem for 72 days before losing it, does it really matter? Chew on that, Kris Humphries.
• Major historic legacy: Science often speaks of "paradigm shifts" where the fundamental concepts behind a subject are forever looked at differently. Like the shift from Aristotelian to Newtonian physics. Although it's not completely appropriate to use this term for general history - sometimes events happen that are so big the world is changed after. Win back the Holy Land and establish Christian states that last for hundreds of years? Pretty big. Cause a rift between the Catholic and Orthodox Churches that ends all ideas of possible reconciliation and reuniting of the Churches? Also pretty big. Yes, I do realize that in one bullet I talked about a fucking Kardashian and in the next I referenced Newtonian physics. Deal with it.
• Enduring cultural legacy: Sometimes people do things and nobody remembers them. They're lost in time. Like... tears... in... rain.  Nobody today makes movies or writes stories about Amaury VI of Montfort's failed raid at Gaza. But they do make movies and write stories about Richard the Lionheart and Saladin's epic rivalries in the Third Crusade.  Aa crusade that ends in a tie but that people remember a thousand years later is more important than one with a fleeting victory that's largely forgotten.

Now, as I alluded to - I have one exception to my rules above. Because of that, I'll rank thirteen Crusades, rather than twelve. Why? Because I really, really wanted to talk about the Albigensian Crusade. So I'll add it in as a dishonorable mention and as a sample for how the rest of the rankings will be formatted. Why dishonorable? Oh,. you'll see:

Dishonorable Mention: Albigensian Crusade (1209 - 1229)

'Tis well! The Pope doth excommunicate foppish dandies who soon be slain!

Background: Pope Innocent III, probably embarrassed by how poorly the Fourth Crusade turned out, decided that he wanted to launch a new Crusade. However, he also learned from the Fourth Crusade that you don't HAVE to go to the Holy Land to have a Crusade. You can have a fun little Crusade against your fellow Christians!  After all, the Muslims are aaaaaaaaall the way over there in Outremer. Outremer is just a fancy French term for the Holy Land. Don't worry about it. And what group of Christians is more deserving of being persecuted than those disgusting, evil Cathars of Southern France!? Oh man, Cathars were just THE WORST!  They were against corruption in the church; against war, killing and violence; against accumulating material wealth; and they believed in greater rights and equality for women because the immortal soul is sexless. Disgusting! How could any good Christian tolerate such wicked heresy?! Okay, so the Cathars believed in some other weird stuff too... like there being two Gods, with one of them (the Old Testament One) being evil and that evil one created mankind. I can see that sort of annoying the Pope. Popes get testy about stuff like that. Innocent III initially tried a couple of tactics involving voluntary conversion that failed. In 1208 his legate Pierre de Castelnau was assassinated after excommunicating Count Raymond VI of Toulouse for being too soft on the Cathars. Was that reason enough to call for a murderous war to eradicate the Cathars? Apparently... yep!

The Crusade: Less of a traditional "crusade" that involved a finite number of military actions, the Albigensian Crusade was more of a long-haul effort. It began in 1209, when 10,000 Crusaders gathered in Lyon to march south. At Béziers they tried to get the town to surrender and told the Catholics in the city to leave. But the Catholics wouldn't because the Cathars in the city were their friends and they weren't bothering anyone. So the Crusaders burned down the city, Catholics and Cathars alike. After that, a number of Cathar settlements surrendered, because they didn't want to be burned (obviously). But not all. Over the course of twenty years, a number of other campaigns were launched to get rid of the Cathars. I can't really name them all because it was twenty years. In that time, Raymond VI was let back into the Church and excommunicated back out again probably another two or three times (who's counting?). Eventually the forces of French king Louis VIII and his successor, the child king Louis IX, got involved. The traditional end date for the Crusade is April 12, 1229, when Raymond agreed and signed the Treaty of Paris at Meaux, admitting defeat to the French, ending the autonomy of Southern France, and halting any protection for the remaining Cathars.

End Result: 20th Century lawyer Raphael Lemkin had an opinion about the Albigensian Crusade using a term that he himself created. What word is Raphael Lemkin famous for inventing? Genocide. In many of the Crusades, Christians went to war against Muslims. Yet there are still Muslims. In a few of the Crusades, Western Christians warred with Orthodox Christians. Yet there are still Orthodox Christians. When was the last time you met a Cathar? You haven't, because they were totally annihilated.

Legacy: In terms of a Crusade being "successful" at achieving its goals, the Albigensian Crusade is the most successful crusade ever. Way to wipe a group of human beings off the face of the planet! It didn't all happen in the time frame of the crusade itself, as the last known Cathar was executed in 1321, a little under a century after the crusade ended. But by 1229 the writing was on the wall.

What about the Jews? Were Crusaders too busy persecuting the Cathars to bother the Jews? Of course not! There is always time for Crusaders to persecute Jews too! In addition to ending protection of the Cathars, Raymond VI also had to swear an oath that Jews couldn't be allowed to hold public office in Southern France, as they had been allowed to previously.

Any Sub Crusades? Nope.

If Have to Remember One Thing, Remember: Life is brutal and depressing.

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Well, there you go. Fun, right? Well, if genocide and murder is making you uncomfortable, then you're really not going to enjoy the rest of these Crusades at all. Now you know about how this is going to go. Continuing with some actual rankings, starting with the most mediocre Crusades of all...

12. Children's Crusade (1212, kind of)

Fie, the poor doth smell-eth.

Background: Supposedly, a boy (either French or German, depending on the story teller) had visions from Jesus who told him to lead a Crusade to convert Muslims to Christianity. But this never actually happened, so don't worry about it too much.

The Crusade: This boy then supposedly rounded up 30,000 children who went South only to be swindled by devious merchants who sold the children all into slavery or were shipwrecked or something. Only not really because that story is made up too. Almost everything about the Children's Crusade is bullshit legend.  The truth is there might have been two separate movements happening at about the same time - one led by Nicholas of Cologne in Germany, and one led by Stephan of Cloyes in France.  Together, both preached crazy stories about how the seas would dry up so they could walk to the Holy Land, or how Jesus had written a letter to the king. Both had followers that were likely more like wandering hobos than children. In the end, there were probably no mischievous merchants who sold them into slavery. It was more like they just dispersed and went back home because the authorities were like, "Get out of here, you crazy hobos!"

End Result: Nothing. Nothing ever actually happened.

Legacy: Just a lesson to us all in the 21st century about how "history" from the Middle Ages is often so mixed up with legend that you pretty much can't believe any of it. Many sources even today take medieval writers at their word and say this occurred. These people are morons. Others try to find some middle ground by recognizing some of the actual historic figures while simultaneously still suggesting that some sort of selling into slavery happened. These people are also morons.

What about the Jews? No Jews were harmed in this Crusade that never actually happened.

Any Sub Crusades? How can a crusade that never occurred have sub-crusades?

If Have to Remember One Thing, Remember: Listless hobos claimed they wanted to go to war but then just went home after being told it was a silly idea. That's really all.

11. Eighth Crusade (1270)
 

Forsooth, King Louis doth sleep quite deeply.

Background: Twenty years prior, King Louis IX of France was captured by the Ayyubid/Mamluk forces in Egypt, effectively ending his (Seventh) Crusade in total defeat.  Well, at least things couldn't go worse if he tried again, right? Right? Right? Oh my... they absolutely could. While internal warring between Europeans prevented the launching of a campaign for many years, Louis wanted to Crusade again and was especially worried by the encroaching forces of Baibars and his Mamluk Sultanate. Baibars had recently had victories against the increasingly weak Crusader States at Nazareth, Caesarea, Arsuf and Haifa. Louis officially took up the cross in 1267, but his forces didn't set sail until July 1270. Things were slow back then.
 
The Crusade: Despite an initial plan to sail straight for the Holy Lands, Louis modified the strategy to instead attack Tunis first.  Why?  Supposedly Louis thought that the Hafsid Khalif of Tunis, Muhammad I al-Mustansir, would convert to Christianity with a little pressure and help him against the Mamluks (he didn't). Instead, 56-year old Louis set up camp in the ruins of Carthage in late July - right in the middle of a sweeping summer epidemic of dysentery. By August he was dead. In the following months, the Hafsids made a deal with the Christians to allow for free trade and a couple of other agreements in return for the Crusaders ending their siege and just going home.
 
End Result: Dysentery 1, Christians 0.
 
Legacy: The Crusaders launched a siege of a city in the hopes that the forces they were besieging would decide to become their friends to fight the Mamluks. It sounds like a terrible and stupid idea - but who knows? Maybe it would have been a good plan if not for the dysentery. But Louis's failure immediately made the young Prince Edward of England eye a new Crusade. Which we'll fortunately talk about next!
 
What about the Jews? Safe during this one.
 
Any Sub Crusades? There isn't really enough time for a sub-crusade in a one-month crusade that ended via gastroenteritis.
 
If Have to Remember One Thing, Remember: This is the Crusade that ended via lethal bloody diarrhea.

10. Ninth Crusade (1271 - 1272)

Ne'er be there a more well map of Outremer!

Background: The ninth and last major medieval Crusade was already beginning as the Eighth Crusade was wrapping up. As the French King Louis died shitting himself in Tunis, the son of English King Henry III was on his way to take up the cross. That son was Prince Edward - who would later himself become Edward I (aka Longshanks, aka the fourth best King of England of all time and the guy who did not negotiate with Scottish terrorists). In May 1271 he arrived in Acre. What more background do you even need? You just read about the Eighth Crusade. 

The Crusade: Tripoli (the one in Lebanon, not Libya) was under siege by the forces of Mamluk Sultan Baibars when the Crusaders led by Prince Edward and Louis' brother Charles arrived in Acre. It was enough to send Baibars backwards but the Crusader forces weren't that strong. Edward knew that in a traditional battle he'd lose - and so he instead engaged in little quick raids. Yep, 700 years before the Viet Cong, Edward had already figured out the whole "asymmetric warfare" thing and was a big fan. But in a thing most people likely would have never guessed happened in a Crusade - the Crusaders also sent ambassadors to Abaqa Khan, ruler of the Ilkhanate. Now if you're thinking "Khan" and "Il-khan-ate" sound a bit, well, Mongolian... that's because they were. In the Ninth Crusade, the Christians allied with the MONGOLIAN FUCKING HORDE against the Muslims (or the remnants thereof, as the Mongols technically separated into four separate empires after 1259).  The Mongol forces who joined the battle weren't vast, but they did have some successes before being forced to retreat in late 1271. In the meantime, Baibars planned a strategy of building a fleet to attack Cyprus and cutting off supplies to the Holy Land. He disguised his fleet as Christian ships, but nobody fell for it and suffered a devastating maritime loss that sent him into retreat mode. By May of 1272 Baibars was willing to agree to a 10-year peace treaty with the Christians, ending hostilities. 

End Result: Peace treaty with no major territorial changes.

Legacy: The last of the great medieval crusades ended with a whimper of a peace deal rather than a bang. On his way home, Edward learned that his father had died and he was now King of England. The Pope, fellow Christians, and even Abaqa Khan asked when another Crusade would be mounted to finish off the unfinished job against the Muslims - but neither Edward nor the other Kings of Western Europe would assist. By this time, Acre was the last remaining city of the Christian Crusader states with all others eaten away by Muslim advances. Finally, by 1291 the Mamluks took even that - ending the Crusader period a little under 200 years after the beginning of the First Crusade.

What about the Jews? Nothing notable for this one. The Latin Church was so out of gas by this time it wasn't even persecuting them that well.

Any Sub Crusades? Not this time.

If Have to Remember One Thing, Remember: If your divine calling to ensure Christian protection of the Holy Land is doing so poorly that not even the Mongolians (the largest contiguous land empire in all of history) can't even help you... it's time to give up on that divine calling.

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And that's where I'll end this one for now. Stay tuned for the next tranche of Crusades - the just average ones!

Ed Ranks Possible Things that Happened to Mira Sorvino

Remember her?

Mira Sorvino. Remember her? Geez, we haven't seen her in a while. Maybe on the back of a milk carton or something. Here are twenty ideas--I'm just throwing out there--about what could have happened to her.

20. Joined ISIS - Highly unlikely. She doesn't seem the type to get radicalized to me. This one is the least plausible.

19. Joined Spanish Conquistador Francisco de Orellana in his survey of Brazil and vanished  - We can probably cross this possibility out too. Just looking at the timelines, I think that Orellana disappeared some time around 1546, which would be about 450 years off from when the last time anyone saw Mira Sorvino.

18. Retired because she knows she can't top Son of Sam - I'm not saying that there is a zero percent chance of this, but the chance is pretty low. In this film there was a scene where she smells her cousin's vagina on her husband's face. Wow. That's an actual plot point. When are we just going to admit that Spike Lee was never really that good, his films were never that good, and we were all just easily impressed in the 1980s. Mira Sorvino likely didn't feel as if she reached the pinnacle of her career after this. She may have simply chosen to hide.

17. Discovered Earth is truly flat and fell off the edge  - I mean we all think the world is round, but maybe Kyrie Irving is right. It's possible Mira Sorvino reached the end of the flat Earth and fell right off and is now drifting in space. How possible is this? Not very, but still more plausible than Son of Sam being good.

16. Eaten by Paul Sorvino - Remember how Kronos heard a prophesy that his children would grow up to be mightier than him and so he decided to devour them? His plan only failed because his wife/sister (eww) Rhea switched Zeus out with a rock and Kronos ate the rock instead. Well, Paul Sorvino is Italian which makes him practically Roman, which also basically makes him a Greek Pantheon-worshiping pagan, right? Paul could have realized that Mira was going to be so much greater than him and therefore ate her. I mean he's gotten a little chubbier since Goodfellas. Honestly, what idiot can't tell the difference between a baby and a rock though?

15. In a cabin in Montana, writing a manifesto - Ted Kaczynski can't be the only one who believes that the Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. I mean it's self-evident that the industrial-technological system may survive or it may break down. If it survives, it MAY eventually achieve a low level of physical and psychological suffering, but only after passing through a long and very painful period of adjustment and only at the cost of permanently reducing human beings and many other living organisms to engineered products and mere cogs in the social machine. Furthermore, if the system survives, the consequences will be inevitable: There is no way of reforming or modifying the system so as to prevent it from depriving people of dignity and autonomy.

Yep, Mariah was in something worse than "Glitter."

14. Refuses to make another film until WiseGirls gets a sequel - This 2002 film starring Mira Sorvino, Mariah Carey and Melora Walters as waitresses working at a restaurant run by mobsters should have gotten more respect! And now Mira won't even consider making another film until Lions Gate Entertainment gets its act together and green-lights WiseGirls 2: Vegas Vacation. You'll never believe what will happen in this film if it ever gets made. They'll get mixed up in ANOTHER zany situation with the mob. But this time... IN VEGAS! Who would have seen that coming?

13.Created a time machine and is now biggest star in 2239 - The laws of relativity can't be that hard to understand, right? Surely Mira Sorvino can learn some basics behind time dilation and travel to the future. Are you doubting this? Why? You should be more supportive to the concept of women in science, you sexist asshole.

12. Became a South American drug kingpin - I mean, I guess she could have. There is a power vacuum developing down there now that the FARC is disarming. It's not like the demand is going to go away. White businessmen still need cocaine.

11. On an island with Biggie, Tupac, Aaliyah, Elvis and Robert Mitchum - I know Robert Mitchum isn't a guy people talk a bunch of "oh he's still alive" conspiracies about - but who actually saw him die? Nobody. Lots of people saw Tupac get shot. I know he'd be 100 years old if he were alive, but I'm sure the old man still has that swagger.

10. Realized that direct-to-video is the way to go - Seems like a strange decision to make, but I suppose a lot of people must buy those $2.99 videos from the bins in Walmart. If people didn't then they wouldn't be there.

9. Did a "Freaky Friday" with Jennifer Lawrence - Maybe Mira Sorvino never went away. Maybe Mira Sorvino just switched bodies with up-and-coming actress Jennifer Lawrence some time between The Bill Engvall Show and Winter's Bone, and has continued to make hit film after hit film for the last decade. That means that the REAL Jennifer Lawrence is in the body of Mira Sorvino, and she's not doing anything with her career.

Call the Coast Guard!

8. Got lost in the Bermuda triangle - When people disappear from the face of the Earth, a good place to try looking is the Bermuda triangle. Could Mira be there?

7. Mistakenly asked Cuba Gooding Jr. for career advice after her Oscar for Mighty Aphrodite - This theory has some strengths and some weaknesses. A strength is that it's a pretty good explanation for what could have went wrong with Mira's career. She asked Cuba how to follow up on a big supporting character Academy Award and he was like, "Oh, just squander all your potential and do terrible films like Snow Dogs and Daddy Day Camp." Then Mira said, "Okay!" and the rest is history.  A weakness in this theory is why the hell would anyone ask Cuba Gooding Jr. for career advice.

6. Is now the local meteorologist at WJAC-TV, the NBC-affiliated television station of Johnstown and the west-central Pennsylvania area - How would you know if this was true or not? Maybe she is there. You'd have to drive to west-central Pennsylvania and watch NBC all day in order to figure this out and there is no way you're going to do that.

5. Now in Prison for an elaborate plot to kill Katherine Heigl - Maybe Mira was getting hyped to film a Romy and Michele's High School Reunion sequel when the studio told her they were going to go in a different direction and instead make a prequel where Katherine Heigl takes over her role as Romy. Would that be enough to drive Mira over the edge so that she plotted to kill Katherine Heigl but was instead arrested by police and sent to prison? You may say I have no evidence that this ever happened, but I say that you have no evidence that it DIDN'T happen. So, HA!

4. Just following Common around to see every show - Mira Sorvino could just be a huge Common groupie who follows him from city to city, wherever and whenever he's playing. If you're at the Durham Performing Arts Center in Durham, North Carolina on April 29 you may want to keep an eye out for Mira. The same goes for all of you who might be planning to be at Ravinia in Highland Park, Illinois on June 24. She might be tough to spot since she doesn't wear those red and white stripes like Waldo.

Are you sure you're not thinking of this guy?

3. There never was a Mira Sorvino, you're thinking of Daniel Day-Lewis - Have those distinct memories of there being an actress called "Mira Sorvino" in the 1990s who was super famous and won awards? Sorry to say, you just had one of those Mandela Effect moments. Never happened. No such thing as Mira Sorvino. You're probably thinking instead of beloved actor Daniel Day-Lewis. He gets so into his roles he just becomes his characters.

2. Decided being famous isn't that important and is busy raising a family with her husband - Eh, I suppose this is pretty probable, but it's not that interesting. Is it?

1. Eaten by a shark - Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer.

Ed Ranks Doctor Who Spinoffs

Hey, that new season of Doctor Who premiered yesterday. Cool, huh? Did you think ranking Doctor Who Companions was enough? It's obviously not, because I'm going to do this ranking too because I'm ranking EVERYTHING, remember? It's in the title of the website.

About as enjoyable as eating shards of glass.

13. K-9 (2009 Series) - I watched about three minutes of this supposed Doctor Who spinoff before I had a desire to stick sharp objects in my eyes and ears. But then I realized that I could just change the TV station instead and go a less drastic route. Good move, Ed.

12. Class - I've watched zero minutes of this and the concept alone makes me go, "Oh, is this like a fake Buffy the Vampire Slayer copycat set in the Doctor Who universe?" Whatever. The only way I'd be interested in a spinoff about Coal Hill School is if it was set in the 1960s version of the school with Ian and Barbara rather than a 2010s version. Who watched Series 8 and said, "Yeah, I want more of this awful bullshit"?

11. Doctor Who Stage Plays - They had Doctor Who stage plays back in the day, including Curse of the Daleks, The Seven Keys to Doomsday, etc.  Nobody cares about these. What classically trained theater actor would want to ramble on about planet Skaro? Oh wait, a lot I guess since a whole crapload of Doctor Who actors over the entire run of the series have been classically trained. Derek Jacobi and Julian Glover need something to do when there are no Shakespeare productions running.

10. The Sarah Jane Adventures - I watched one episode of this and didn't like it at all. The computer thing is stupid and reminded me of Teletraan I. How can they name another character "Rani" and not explicitly make constant references to the Doctor Who villain of the same name as an in-joke? Beyond the one episode I suffered through, I've also seen little clips of it on YouTube, such as the times that the Doctor or the Brigadier had cameos. Why would Nicholas Courtney cameo on this show rather than the real Doctor Who? That would have been much more entertaining to have one last Brig episode. Let's not ever speak of that horrible abomination of him becoming a graveyard Cyberman. I usually like to pretend Doctor Who Series 8 never happened. Seriously. It was bad.

Not quite cinematic masterpieces.

9. Reeltime/BBV Semi-Licensed Spinoff Videos - Have you heard of these? They include such classics as Wartime, PROBE, Auton, Shakedown, Dæmos Rising, and the self-parodying Do You Have A Licence To Save This Planet? ("Licence" is not misspelled, that's British English). I was about to rank these lower, but then I smiled thinking about the last one of the bunch. I don't think a single second of the Sarah Jane Adventures ever made me smile. These were all direct-to-cassette tape productions from Reeltime and later BBV Productions (definitely not BBC) that are quasi-Doctor Who stories but without the rights to use the actual character of "the Doctor." It's not that they are "rip-offs" per se, but that they have what could be called "complicated licensing issues."  For instance, Who villains such as the Autons, Zygons, The Great Intelligence, and Sontarans (and companions such as UNIT characters) appear in these videos because individual writers, rather than the BBC, owned these characters and granted Reeltime or BBV the right to use them. Add to that the fact that many past Doctor Who actors such as Jon Pertwee, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, and a bunch of the companions appeared in the videos... and they took on an almost legitimate quality to them as an unofficial, semi-licensed continuation of the series during the dark years of the 1990s when there was no TV show. These videos were always super low budget and cheesy with wobbly sets. Which, you know, kind of makes them more similar to the original Doctor Who than the 2005 relaunch. And no matter how bad they were, every Reetime or BBV production was infinitely better than Series 8's "Kill the Moon." Have I mentioned yet that I hate Series 8?

8. K-9 and Company - The first real attempt at a Doctor Who spinoff beyond the 60's movies, K-9 and Company assumed that you loved a the robotic dog companion and Sarah Jane Smith so much that you'd love to see them pair up in their own TV series, despite the fact that they were never actually together as characters on the show. There was one episodes - a Christmas-themed pilot featuring a weird Pagan cult. Uh, Merry Christmas indeed? Despite the fact that the show was never picked up, it did become canon and Sarah Jane and K-9 being a thing together was seen again in The Five Doctors, School Reunion, and so on.

7. Doctor Who Webcasts - When Doctor Who was close to being brought back, but not quite there yet, the BBC was playing with using Webcasts to produce new Who content. These were mainly just audio stories with a small number of re-used drawings shown over and over again to provide a visual element to the audio.  Webcasts like Death Comes to Time tried really hard to be ground-breaking, but are really just an out-of-continuity mess that try too hard with only a few okay ideas. Real Time was completely forgettable (whatever the Cybermen did in this episode was surely better than making their Series 8 rain zombies), and all I remember about Scream of the Shalka was that the Master was inexplicably the Doctor's robot companion.

6. BBC Books Eighth Doctor Adventures / Past Doctor Adventures / New Series Adventures - These are technically separate book series, but they're all licensed BBC spin-off books which are supposedly about the "untelevised" adventures between the adventures you have seen on TV.  They're kind of the sequel to the Virgin New Adventures and Missing Adventures, which I haven't talked about yet because those books are better. And just for simplicity's sake I'll throw the two 1980's Target novels Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma and Harry Sullivan's War in with these series as well even though they're not. Why? Because they are orphan books with nowhere else to put them. Target mainly made novelizations of aired TV stories, but for some reason also did two new stories. Fun, huh? 

Worth it for this meme though.

5. Those Weird-Ass Peter Cushing Dalek Movies - These are 1960s cheesy B-Movies at their best/worst (depending on how to want to define best or worst).  Easily both of these awful films could be episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Terry Nation, creator of the Daleks, wanted more for his creations than small-screen, black-and-white portrayals. And so did the general public in Britain. Most Americans have no idea that "Dalekmania" was just as big in the UK as Beatlemania was in the US. So the creators of these films just took the first two Dalek episodes of Doctor Who that had already aired and turned them into crappy films where "the Doctor" was "Doctor Who" and he was a mad human scientist rather than an alien. Ugh.  At least he's not disgustingly inhuman and computer animated.

 4. Big Finish Audio - Big Finish Audio had the great idea of using the original Doctor Who actors and having them lend their voices to "missing" Doctor Who adventures. It was a novel idea, but after like 20 years of doing these episodes they're clearly hurting for ways to work all of this stuff into any sort of continuity. Just how many missing adventures did the Doctor have? Am I to really believe that between two episodes of this TV series that aired a week apart that the Doctor really had hundreds of adventures with entirely new sets of companions before going back to who he was hanging out with before and never mentioning it?  Still, these audio stories do have some good ideas in them - which is why sometimes ideas from them have been stolen and adapted for the new series (e.g. Spare Parts being used for Rise of the Cybermen and The Age of Steel). I'll also briefly include in here other pre-Big Finish Doctor Who audios, such as Slipback, The Paradise of Death, and The Ghosts of N-Space. Because I have nowhere else to put them and they don't deserve their own category. Just like none of the episodes of Series 8 deserved to be greenlit.

Behold this guy.

3. Doctor Who Comic Strips - I'm just going to lump together all Doctor Who comics here. That includes the mediocre-to-terrible 1960's ones with little thought or continuity from TV Century 21, TV Comic, Countdown, and TV Action; as well as the more well-thought out stories from Doctor Who Magazine, and more recent entries from IDW and Titan Comics. The ones from Doctor Who Magazine (also previously known as Doctor Who Weekly and Monthly) are especially what I'm referencing as being good and deserving of this high ranking. Doctor Who is perfectly fit for comic book adventures, and it's a natural medium. Without these comics, we'd have no idea what onomatopoeia to use for the sounds the TARDIS makes (the answer: "Vworp"). Comic book legends such as Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore started off earlier in their careers with Doctor Who comic strips, prior to making classic stories like Watchmen and V for Vendetta. Comic characters like Abslom Daak absolutely deserve a chance to move on to the TV series (his quarter of a second cameo in Time Heist doesn't count... obviously, it's Series 8). 

2. Torchwood - Torchwood would rank #1, if not for "Miracle Day" tarnishing the entire rest of the show. It also doesn't help that it tried way too hard to be "R-Rated" and adult. I understand the purpose of killing off main characters. It helps to show that the threat is real and that any character could die at any time (well, not Jack Harkness, because the whole point of his character is he can't die). But Torchwood seemed to want to kill EVERY damn character and was left with nobody left, which kinda hurts the show. It was a great idea to give Captain Jack his own spinoff show. If any Doctor Who character was screaming for a spinoff it was Jack Harkness. But after its first two seasons, Torchwood got lost and killed off characters to create "big moments" without really thinking about the consequences of it. You know, like how Series 8 killed off Osgood to create a big moment and then brought her back with a shitty and convoluted explanation the next season because Steven Moffat cares more about some stupid twist for one episode than he does about continuity or planned out story arcs that make sense. But I digress from Torchwood, whose last two seasons show how RTD could also just run out of ideas.

Dancing with a skeleton on the moon. Okay.

1. Virgin New Adventures / Missing Adventures - These are the best Doctor Who spinoff stories. When the initial run of Doctor Who ended in 1989, fans needed something to fill the void. Several things helped to do that. The Doctor Who Magazine comic strips continued without the show. BBV did their crazy low budget movies that looked like they were filmed in a backyard. But nothing helped to fill the void better than the Virgin New Adventures (new stories featuring the Seventh Doctor set after the TV show ended) and Virgin Missing Adventures (past Doctor stories set in-between old episodes).  These books were published between 1991 and 1997 and to some degree continued the "Cartmel Masterplan" that the TV series was adding in the final few years of its original run (adding some darkness to the Doctor and making his backstory somewhat mysterious). At times the New Adventures went too dark or tried too hard to be "adult" by killing off characters or having sexual situations, but the overall tone was usually pretty good and sort of the tone adopted by the 2005 relaunch. You absolutley need the Virgin novels as a bridge between the 1980's Doctors and the brooding post-Time War Doctors. The Virgin novel, Human Nature, was easily adapted for the two-episode arc of the Third Series of the relaunch (Human Nature and The Family of Blood). In 1997, things came to an end though as Virgin lost the ability to license Doctor Who stories and the BBC started doing their own novels. They were not as good.

Ed Ranks the Top 5 Charlie Murphy Sketches that AREN'T True Hollywood Stories

Charlie Murphy died. He was a comedy legend. Well, that fucking sucks.

Everyone will make jokes about "fuck your couch," "Darkness," "pancakes," and "game, blouses."  As everyone should. The Charlie Murphy True Hollywood Stories about Rick James and Prince are unequivocally some of the finest masterpieces of television that have ever existed in all media. Nobody can ever take that away. But let's remember some of the other sketches of Chappelle's Show, featuring Eddie Murphy's more talented and hilarious brother.

5. The World Series of Dice (Charlie Murphy as Rodney "Quills" Dinkins) - This was a hilarious sketch. It's probably funnier than some of the others on this list. But Charlie Murphy's role in the sketch wasn't that huge.

4. The Time Haters (Charlie Murphy as Buc Nasty) - Revisiting the Buc Nasty character (see below), the "Time Haters" sketch featured the Player Haters traveling back in time and killing a slave owner. Even when setting up the premise of the sketch... the episode fully admitted that it was "missing" and off base. It was featured in a "greatest misses" compendium of sketches. It's not a miss though. It is hilarious.

3. Kneehigh Park  (Charlie Murphy as Stinky) - I still occasionally sing the line "I'll beat my dick like it owes me money" in casual conversation because of this sketch. This was an amazing Sesame Street parody about STDs that also features Snoop Dogg. It's got to be hard to steal the spotlight away from Snoop Dogg if you're paired up with him. But you know who could do just that? Charlie Murphy.

2. Player Haters Ball  (Charlie Murphy as Buc Nasty) - A compelling documentary not about pimps, hos, players, johns, tricks, marks, mark-ass tricks, trick-ass marks, skeezers, skanks, skig-scags, and scallywhops... no, this was about Haters. This one had a little bit of everything. Ice Tea, Patrice O'Neal (also RIP), that old Japanese guy that was oddly inserted into a bunch of sketches, and riffs on everyone from the Osbournes to Bin Laden.

1. Mad Real World  (Charlie Murphy as Tyree) - In my head, I can still perfectly see Tyree's glowing eyes in nightvision as he masturbated in the dark. I will never be able to unsee it. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Ed Ranks People You Meet in the Bar (and their Arch Nemeses)

A pub. Nice!

20 = Most Annoying. 1 = Least Annoying.  Here we go.

20. Domestic Violence Guy - Shouting at his wife and complaining about how she nags. Shouting at the bartender because he won't serve him anymore. Arguing over the bill. Looks like he's about to fall out of his chair. Somebody should really call the police before this dick gets in his pickup truck and commits vehicular homicide. Arch Nemesis: Barack Hussein Obama and the Liberal Gay Agenda.

19. Desperate Guy Hitting on Girls - Ugh. Creeper. There are a whole bunch of empty bar seats. Don't sit next to that lady and chat her up. She either wants to be by herself or she's waiting for someone who is certainly not you. It's 2017. Surely you can find some better method of dating than hitting on girls at a bar when you're already blitzed. Arch Nemesis: All Women.

18. The Guys Who Need to be Carded, ASAP - Are they sneaking in under age or just frat boys who finally turned 21 and can't handle their drinks? It doesn't matter. These are the kind of loud, obnoxious idiots who you hope go to Tijuana and get beheaded. There, I said it.  Arch Nemesis: Their parents' bank accounts.

17. Shitfaced Guys Who Were Already Shitfaced When they Showed Up - So, these guys showed up to the bar already drunk. Maybe they were having beers "at the game" before, or are bar hopping. Whatever it is, these guys cannot hold their liquor either and need to be sent home. Arch Nemesis: Cirrhosis.

16. The Drunk 30-Something Ladies - I was about to call them a "gaggle." Is it sexist to call them a "gaggle?" Online dictionaries say "gaggle" can either refer to a flock of geese, or a disorderly or noisy group of people. But I never hear anyone talking about men being a "gaggle."  So yeah, I think it's vaguely sexist that we're referring to women as squawking geese. Maybe it's a Bachelorette Party. Maybe it's just a fun girl's night out. Maybe they should stop screaming about that one girl's birthday cake that was shaped like a penis. Arch Nemesis: Themselves. Within an hour there will at least be one Real Housewives-esque internal fight breaking out in this group.

15. Too Cool for PBR Hipster - This douchewagon knows that hipsters drink PBR, but that's too mainstream for him. He doesn't like the way PBR tastes as it filters through them mustache his lumberjack facial hair. He always asks the bartender for a beer that he knows the bar doesn't have, and if the bartender doesn't instantly complement him on his wise choice while lamenting that "corporate policy" won't let him buy that because it doesn't sell enough... then Too Cool Hipster will passive-aggressively mention to the bartender that he SHOULD have done exactly that. Arch Nemesis: People with eyeballs who have to look at him.

14. Guy Who Won't Stop Talking about the Gym - You are in the wrong place for that gym stuff, dude. The bar is the opposite of the gym. You're barely any different than "Desperate Guy Hitting on Girls," you just happen to be in better shape. Arch Nemesis: Sober women. He usually wins over drunk women.

13. Loud Old Guy with Young Girl - I have so many questions about this guy. First off, why is he so damn loud? I know there are other conversations happening and that there is usually either music playing or sports on the TV, but you're talking waaaaaaay too damn loud. And is this lady your daughter? Your girlfriend? My first guess would be that she's an escort, no offense man. But she's a solid 8 and you're a negative 3. Arch Nemesis: Everyone else within ear range who is about to go deaf. 

12. Beer Snob - I don't hate people who want to have a craft beer or microbrew. That's quality stuff. But don't have your head up your ass about it and lecture everybody. Might also be the hipster, but doesn't have to be. Arch Nemesis: The Bud/Miller/Coors Guy.

11. Guy Chatting Up the Bartender Like Nobody Else is Even There - This is a crowded bar and the bartender has to serve a lot of people. Stop trying to monopolize the bartender. The bartender is there for everyone. He's friendly with you...  sure. But he's not your best friend. You only think he is because you're a sad loser. He probably doesn't want to talk to you, but he's going through the motions to get that tip. Arch Nemesis: Common sense.

10. People Who Stupidly Want to Dance - This is a bar, not a club. Leave. Arch Nemesis: Everyone within the wing span of this flailing pixie.

9. Annoying "Shots!" Person - Could be a guy or a girl. It doesn't 100% have to be shots. Maybe it's Jagerbombs. But you know who this person is and wonder why nobody pulled them aside after they turned 23 and said, "No. This isn't okay." Arch Nemesis: Their embarrassed friends.

8. Asking Bartender What to Order Guy - Look, you've got to give the bartender a little more to work with besides, "What drink should I get?" Do you like lagers? Stouts? Smoky whisky? Delicate Whiskey? Cocktails? You've got to do a little homework before you walk up to the bar. At least give the bartender two options and ask which he'd recommend. All you're going to do is waste everyone's time for about three minutes until you finally decide you'll just have the Stella Artois anyway. Arch Nemesis: The people at the bar that he's lingering over as he hems and haws like an idiot who acts like he's never even heard of alcohol before.

7. Bud/Miller/Coors Guy - Really? You're ordering a Bud Lite? For real? Is this a flyover state? There is a 90% chance that this guy will also transform into "Domestic Violence Guy" after a four drinks. Arch Nemesis: Beer Snob.

6. Real Madrid Fans - Calm down and just drink your Mahou, you soccer hooligans. Stop jumping up and down and spilling it everywhere. Arch Nemesis: Barcelona.

5. First Date Couple - Really? A first date to a bar? Could you please take your awkwardness to a Starbucks or TGI Fridays instead? Arch Nemesis: Each other... after about 20 minutes.

4. Cougar - She's here for "Guy Who Won't Stop Talking about the Gym," but will likely end up with one of the "Guys Who Need to be Carded, ASAP." Arch Nemesis: Her husband (presently out of town on business. Don't feel bad for him, he's probably cheating on her too).

3. Professionals With Loosened Ties - It's after work on a weekday and these professionals have loosened their restrictive business attire and are ready to have a beer or a whisky. They don't mind standing at the bar because it's too crowded. Hell, they've been sitting all day!!! They're here to relax. So why the hell are they still talking about work? Arch Nemesis: Their a-hole bosses who work them to death!

2. The "Just Here For Pub Trivia" Team - Not even drinking that much because they want total recall in order to win this bar trivia prize. Which is generally just a discount at the bar. I suppose they'll be spending it on wings instead of beer. No, wait. They can't eat wings either because that sauce will get all over their cards that they have to turn in every round. Hell... what DO they spend their winnings on? Look, there is nothing wrong with these people. They're not bothering anyone on this dead ass Sunday or Monday night. Arch Nemesis: Quizmasters who are dumber than them, so they always challenge the answers (and are usually right).

1. Alone Quiet Person Just Sitting There Drinking - Maybe this person is reading a book. Maybe he or she is texting. Maybe watching the game. Whatever it is, just leave this person be. They aren't sad or alone. He or she is an introvert and is happy sitting there drinking. Arch Nemesis: That annoying asshole who tries to talk to him or her (e.g. Desperate Guy, Gym Guy, Drunk people, and so on).

Ed Ranks Social Media

Pictured: The Internet

10. MySpace - Hahaha, I'm just including this one as a joke. That was $35 million well spent, Justin Timberlake. Can probably upload pictures of cats here.

9. Google+ - This claims to be the largest social media site in the world. But you know how many people actually use the social media functions of Google+? Nobody, that's how many. Google is just counting all the people who use their gMail and news and maps and things like, oh... blogspot, and claiming that it's part of Google+.  Definitely lots of cat picture uploading potential.

8. Flickr - Like Instagram, but for people (and cats) who aren't that cool.

7. Tumblr - This used to be a thing before Yahoo! purchased it. Yahoo purchasing you is like a kiss of death. It might have well been purchased by AOL. Can you make cat memes here? You bet.

6.  LinkedIn - Just barely social media. A list of millions of people looking to get better employment, but nobody actually looking to hire anyone here. This place is practically a bunch of people shouting "my present life is miserable, please hire me" into an echo chamber. And of all the social media sites, this one probably provides you with the least opportunities to post pictures of cats.

5. Snapchat - I'm too old to understand this one. GET OFF MY LAWN! It probably has some filter to make you look like a cat.

4. Pinterest - Is this social media? I'm being told it is. I guess pictures of clothes and recipes counts as social media. Probably needs a bigger community of pictures of cats doing silly things though.


3. Twitter - Finally you can feel like you're best friends with celebrities by hearing their most deep thoughts in 140 characters or less. Or, more than likely, a long rambling story told in multiple parts which read backwards. That's just stupid. If you have something long to say, use one of the billion other social media sites other than Twitter. But not Google+ because nobody uses that. Also allows you to post pictures of cats.

2. Facebook - Like, cat picture central. So many different pages about cat memes to follow. I don't know where to begin!

1. Instagram - #catsofinstagram #nofilter