Ed Ranks People You Meet in the Bar (and their Arch Nemeses)

A pub. Nice!

20 = Most Annoying. 1 = Least Annoying.  Here we go.

20. Domestic Violence Guy - Shouting at his wife and complaining about how she nags. Shouting at the bartender because he won't serve him anymore. Arguing over the bill. Looks like he's about to fall out of his chair. Somebody should really call the police before this dick gets in his pickup truck and commits vehicular homicide. Arch Nemesis: Barack Hussein Obama and the Liberal Gay Agenda.

19. Desperate Guy Hitting on Girls - Ugh. Creeper. There are a whole bunch of empty bar seats. Don't sit next to that lady and chat her up. She either wants to be by herself or she's waiting for someone who is certainly not you. It's 2017. Surely you can find some better method of dating than hitting on girls at a bar when you're already blitzed. Arch Nemesis: All Women.

18. The Guys Who Need to be Carded, ASAP - Are they sneaking in under age or just frat boys who finally turned 21 and can't handle their drinks? It doesn't matter. These are the kind of loud, obnoxious idiots who you hope go to Tijuana and get beheaded. There, I said it.  Arch Nemesis: Their parents' bank accounts.

17. Shitfaced Guys Who Were Already Shitfaced When they Showed Up - So, these guys showed up to the bar already drunk. Maybe they were having beers "at the game" before, or are bar hopping. Whatever it is, these guys cannot hold their liquor either and need to be sent home. Arch Nemesis: Cirrhosis.

16. The Drunk 30-Something Ladies - I was about to call them a "gaggle." Is it sexist to call them a "gaggle?" Online dictionaries say "gaggle" can either refer to a flock of geese, or a disorderly or noisy group of people. But I never hear anyone talking about men being a "gaggle."  So yeah, I think it's vaguely sexist that we're referring to women as squawking geese. Maybe it's a Bachelorette Party. Maybe it's just a fun girl's night out. Maybe they should stop screaming about that one girl's birthday cake that was shaped like a penis. Arch Nemesis: Themselves. Within an hour there will at least be one Real Housewives-esque internal fight breaking out in this group.

15. Too Cool for PBR Hipster - This douchewagon knows that hipsters drink PBR, but that's too mainstream for him. He doesn't like the way PBR tastes as it filters through them mustache his lumberjack facial hair. He always asks the bartender for a beer that he knows the bar doesn't have, and if the bartender doesn't instantly complement him on his wise choice while lamenting that "corporate policy" won't let him buy that because it doesn't sell enough... then Too Cool Hipster will passive-aggressively mention to the bartender that he SHOULD have done exactly that. Arch Nemesis: People with eyeballs who have to look at him.

14. Guy Who Won't Stop Talking about the Gym - You are in the wrong place for that gym stuff, dude. The bar is the opposite of the gym. You're barely any different than "Desperate Guy Hitting on Girls," you just happen to be in better shape. Arch Nemesis: Sober women. He usually wins over drunk women.

13. Loud Old Guy with Young Girl - I have so many questions about this guy. First off, why is he so damn loud? I know there are other conversations happening and that there is usually either music playing or sports on the TV, but you're talking waaaaaaay too damn loud. And is this lady your daughter? Your girlfriend? My first guess would be that she's an escort, no offense man. But she's a solid 8 and you're a negative 3. Arch Nemesis: Everyone else within ear range who is about to go deaf. 

12. Beer Snob - I don't hate people who want to have a craft beer or microbrew. That's quality stuff. But don't have your head up your ass about it and lecture everybody. Might also be the hipster, but doesn't have to be. Arch Nemesis: The Bud/Miller/Coors Guy.

11. Guy Chatting Up the Bartender Like Nobody Else is Even There - This is a crowded bar and the bartender has to serve a lot of people. Stop trying to monopolize the bartender. The bartender is there for everyone. He's friendly with you...  sure. But he's not your best friend. You only think he is because you're a sad loser. He probably doesn't want to talk to you, but he's going through the motions to get that tip. Arch Nemesis: Common sense.

10. People Who Stupidly Want to Dance - This is a bar, not a club. Leave. Arch Nemesis: Everyone within the wing span of this flailing pixie.

9. Annoying "Shots!" Person - Could be a guy or a girl. It doesn't 100% have to be shots. Maybe it's Jagerbombs. But you know who this person is and wonder why nobody pulled them aside after they turned 23 and said, "No. This isn't okay." Arch Nemesis: Their embarrassed friends.

8. Asking Bartender What to Order Guy - Look, you've got to give the bartender a little more to work with besides, "What drink should I get?" Do you like lagers? Stouts? Smoky whisky? Delicate Whiskey? Cocktails? You've got to do a little homework before you walk up to the bar. At least give the bartender two options and ask which he'd recommend. All you're going to do is waste everyone's time for about three minutes until you finally decide you'll just have the Stella Artois anyway. Arch Nemesis: The people at the bar that he's lingering over as he hems and haws like an idiot who acts like he's never even heard of alcohol before.

7. Bud/Miller/Coors Guy - Really? You're ordering a Bud Lite? For real? Is this a flyover state? There is a 90% chance that this guy will also transform into "Domestic Violence Guy" after a four drinks. Arch Nemesis: Beer Snob.

6. Real Madrid Fans - Calm down and just drink your Mahou, you soccer hooligans. Stop jumping up and down and spilling it everywhere. Arch Nemesis: Barcelona.

5. First Date Couple - Really? A first date to a bar? Could you please take your awkwardness to a Starbucks or TGI Fridays instead? Arch Nemesis: Each other... after about 20 minutes.

4. Cougar - She's here for "Guy Who Won't Stop Talking about the Gym," but will likely end up with one of the "Guys Who Need to be Carded, ASAP." Arch Nemesis: Her husband (presently out of town on business. Don't feel bad for him, he's probably cheating on her too).

3. Professionals With Loosened Ties - It's after work on a weekday and these professionals have loosened their restrictive business attire and are ready to have a beer or a whisky. They don't mind standing at the bar because it's too crowded. Hell, they've been sitting all day!!! They're here to relax. So why the hell are they still talking about work? Arch Nemesis: Their a-hole bosses who work them to death!

2. The "Just Here For Pub Trivia" Team - Not even drinking that much because they want total recall in order to win this bar trivia prize. Which is generally just a discount at the bar. I suppose they'll be spending it on wings instead of beer. No, wait. They can't eat wings either because that sauce will get all over their cards that they have to turn in every round. Hell... what DO they spend their winnings on? Look, there is nothing wrong with these people. They're not bothering anyone on this dead ass Sunday or Monday night. Arch Nemesis: Quizmasters who are dumber than them, so they always challenge the answers (and are usually right).

1. Alone Quiet Person Just Sitting There Drinking - Maybe this person is reading a book. Maybe he or she is texting. Maybe watching the game. Whatever it is, just leave this person be. They aren't sad or alone. He or she is an introvert and is happy sitting there drinking. Arch Nemesis: That annoying asshole who tries to talk to him or her (e.g. Desperate Guy, Gym Guy, Drunk people, and so on).