Ed Ranks Possible Things that Happened to Mira Sorvino

Remember her?

Mira Sorvino. Remember her? Geez, we haven't seen her in a while. Maybe on the back of a milk carton or something. Here are twenty ideas--I'm just throwing out there--about what could have happened to her.

20. Joined ISIS - Highly unlikely. She doesn't seem the type to get radicalized to me. This one is the least plausible.

19. Joined Spanish Conquistador Francisco de Orellana in his survey of Brazil and vanished  - We can probably cross this possibility out too. Just looking at the timelines, I think that Orellana disappeared some time around 1546, which would be about 450 years off from when the last time anyone saw Mira Sorvino.

18. Retired because she knows she can't top Son of Sam - I'm not saying that there is a zero percent chance of this, but the chance is pretty low. In this film there was a scene where she smells her cousin's vagina on her husband's face. Wow. That's an actual plot point. When are we just going to admit that Spike Lee was never really that good, his films were never that good, and we were all just easily impressed in the 1980s. Mira Sorvino likely didn't feel as if she reached the pinnacle of her career after this. She may have simply chosen to hide.

17. Discovered Earth is truly flat and fell off the edge  - I mean we all think the world is round, but maybe Kyrie Irving is right. It's possible Mira Sorvino reached the end of the flat Earth and fell right off and is now drifting in space. How possible is this? Not very, but still more plausible than Son of Sam being good.

16. Eaten by Paul Sorvino - Remember how Kronos heard a prophesy that his children would grow up to be mightier than him and so he decided to devour them? His plan only failed because his wife/sister (eww) Rhea switched Zeus out with a rock and Kronos ate the rock instead. Well, Paul Sorvino is Italian which makes him practically Roman, which also basically makes him a Greek Pantheon-worshiping pagan, right? Paul could have realized that Mira was going to be so much greater than him and therefore ate her. I mean he's gotten a little chubbier since Goodfellas. Honestly, what idiot can't tell the difference between a baby and a rock though?

15. In a cabin in Montana, writing a manifesto - Ted Kaczynski can't be the only one who believes that the Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. I mean it's self-evident that the industrial-technological system may survive or it may break down. If it survives, it MAY eventually achieve a low level of physical and psychological suffering, but only after passing through a long and very painful period of adjustment and only at the cost of permanently reducing human beings and many other living organisms to engineered products and mere cogs in the social machine. Furthermore, if the system survives, the consequences will be inevitable: There is no way of reforming or modifying the system so as to prevent it from depriving people of dignity and autonomy.

Yep, Mariah was in something worse than "Glitter."

14. Refuses to make another film until WiseGirls gets a sequel - This 2002 film starring Mira Sorvino, Mariah Carey and Melora Walters as waitresses working at a restaurant run by mobsters should have gotten more respect! And now Mira won't even consider making another film until Lions Gate Entertainment gets its act together and green-lights WiseGirls 2: Vegas Vacation. You'll never believe what will happen in this film if it ever gets made. They'll get mixed up in ANOTHER zany situation with the mob. But this time... IN VEGAS! Who would have seen that coming?

13.Created a time machine and is now biggest star in 2239 - The laws of relativity can't be that hard to understand, right? Surely Mira Sorvino can learn some basics behind time dilation and travel to the future. Are you doubting this? Why? You should be more supportive to the concept of women in science, you sexist asshole.

12. Became a South American drug kingpin - I mean, I guess she could have. There is a power vacuum developing down there now that the FARC is disarming. It's not like the demand is going to go away. White businessmen still need cocaine.

11. On an island with Biggie, Tupac, Aaliyah, Elvis and Robert Mitchum - I know Robert Mitchum isn't a guy people talk a bunch of "oh he's still alive" conspiracies about - but who actually saw him die? Nobody. Lots of people saw Tupac get shot. I know he'd be 100 years old if he were alive, but I'm sure the old man still has that swagger.

10. Realized that direct-to-video is the way to go - Seems like a strange decision to make, but I suppose a lot of people must buy those $2.99 videos from the bins in Walmart. If people didn't then they wouldn't be there.

9. Did a "Freaky Friday" with Jennifer Lawrence - Maybe Mira Sorvino never went away. Maybe Mira Sorvino just switched bodies with up-and-coming actress Jennifer Lawrence some time between The Bill Engvall Show and Winter's Bone, and has continued to make hit film after hit film for the last decade. That means that the REAL Jennifer Lawrence is in the body of Mira Sorvino, and she's not doing anything with her career.

Call the Coast Guard!

8. Got lost in the Bermuda triangle - When people disappear from the face of the Earth, a good place to try looking is the Bermuda triangle. Could Mira be there?

7. Mistakenly asked Cuba Gooding Jr. for career advice after her Oscar for Mighty Aphrodite - This theory has some strengths and some weaknesses. A strength is that it's a pretty good explanation for what could have went wrong with Mira's career. She asked Cuba how to follow up on a big supporting character Academy Award and he was like, "Oh, just squander all your potential and do terrible films like Snow Dogs and Daddy Day Camp." Then Mira said, "Okay!" and the rest is history.  A weakness in this theory is why the hell would anyone ask Cuba Gooding Jr. for career advice.

6. Is now the local meteorologist at WJAC-TV, the NBC-affiliated television station of Johnstown and the west-central Pennsylvania area - How would you know if this was true or not? Maybe she is there. You'd have to drive to west-central Pennsylvania and watch NBC all day in order to figure this out and there is no way you're going to do that.

5. Now in Prison for an elaborate plot to kill Katherine Heigl - Maybe Mira was getting hyped to film a Romy and Michele's High School Reunion sequel when the studio told her they were going to go in a different direction and instead make a prequel where Katherine Heigl takes over her role as Romy. Would that be enough to drive Mira over the edge so that she plotted to kill Katherine Heigl but was instead arrested by police and sent to prison? You may say I have no evidence that this ever happened, but I say that you have no evidence that it DIDN'T happen. So, HA!

4. Just following Common around to see every show - Mira Sorvino could just be a huge Common groupie who follows him from city to city, wherever and whenever he's playing. If you're at the Durham Performing Arts Center in Durham, North Carolina on April 29 you may want to keep an eye out for Mira. The same goes for all of you who might be planning to be at Ravinia in Highland Park, Illinois on June 24. She might be tough to spot since she doesn't wear those red and white stripes like Waldo.

Are you sure you're not thinking of this guy?

3. There never was a Mira Sorvino, you're thinking of Daniel Day-Lewis - Have those distinct memories of there being an actress called "Mira Sorvino" in the 1990s who was super famous and won awards? Sorry to say, you just had one of those Mandela Effect moments. Never happened. No such thing as Mira Sorvino. You're probably thinking instead of beloved actor Daniel Day-Lewis. He gets so into his roles he just becomes his characters.

2. Decided being famous isn't that important and is busy raising a family with her husband - Eh, I suppose this is pretty probable, but it's not that interesting. Is it?

1. Eaten by a shark - Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer.