Thursday, April 25, 2024

Ed Ranks NCAA Athletics Penalizations by Severity

Hey, Reggie Bush just hot his 2005 Heisman back. Good for him. In commemoration of that, let’s rank the Top 5 NCAA Athletics Penalizations, by severity. And speaking of Reggie Bush: 

5. University of Southern California Athletics Scandal

This one crossed a number of spots, including the football, men’s basketball, and women’s tennis programs. Sanctions for the football team included a postseason ban for 2 years, scholarship losses for 3 years, as well as vacating a BCS Championship. And, of course, Reggie Bush had to return his Heisman Trophy. But, you know, not anymore. 

4. University of Minnesota Men’s Basketball Academic Cheating Scandal

The literal day before the 1999 NCAA Tournament began, news broke about a wide variety of violation by the Minnesota men’s program, mostly (but not all) related to academic dishonesty. Basically, none of the players were actually doing any school work and the Basketball team was paying someone to do the work for them. End result? All awards and titles were stripped from the program between 1993 and 1998. They were also put on probation for 4 years starting the 1999-2000 season and lost 5 scholarships over the next three seasons.

3. University of Michigan Basketball “Ed Martin” Scandal

This one was about rules violations resulting from the relationship between the University of Michigan basketball program and booster Ed Martin. Money laundering. Illegal gambling. All sorts of fun stuff dating back several years into the 80s! Shit was so deep that the FBI and IRS launched investigations. The most memorable name involved was Chris Webber. Michigan was banned from Postseason play in 2002-2003, vacated the entire 1992–93 season and every game it played from the 1995–96 season through the 1998–99 season (which included a 1997 NIT title and the 1998 Big Ten title), docked the school one scholarship a year from 2004–2005 until 2007–2008, etc.

2. City College of New York Point Shaving

Ok, this scandal goes waaaaaay back to the 1950-1951, so maybe it’s not the latest or hottest news. But it involved a whopping seven total schools/teams being involved, although as the name suggests the biggest of the offenders was the City College of New York. 33 players across the 7 teams teamed up with fixers, agents, referees, and good ol’ organized crime to shave points, fix games (about 86 games total), and make a ton of money. Punishment for this one was a little less “academic punishment and bans on teams for a few years” and more “several people went to prison for numerous years.”  The NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament itself avoided returning to the New York area for about the next 50 years after this event. 

1. Southern Methodist University “Death Penalty” 

The obvious one is at the top. "Ponygate" It is named the “Death Penalty” after all. Various documentaries have been made about it, and the story is very well known. SMU had one of the most famous and successful college football programs in history, but as a smaller program was having increasing trouble recruiting players that chose to go to the bigger schools. Easy fix? Illegally pay the young high school athletes to come to SMU! A $61,000 “slush fund” (wow, that number seems so small in hindsight… or is that just inflation talking) was set up and which made payments from 1985-1986, where boosters paid cold hard cash to players to get them committed to play at SMU. When the NCAA found out about it? Well: 

  • The 1987 season was canceled
  • All home games in 1988 were canceled (eventually the team would decide to cancel the away games too, what with all its players leaving) 
  • Their existing probation was extended until 1990
  • Their existing ban from bowl games and live television was extended to 1989
  • They lost 55 new scholarship positions over 4 years
  • There were a variety of limits placed on their ability to hire coaches 
  • The team was allowed to hire only five full-time assistant coaches, instead of the typical nine.
  • Severe limits on various recruiting activities through 1989

Thursday, April 18, 2024

Ed Ranks Star Trek Aliens

This one is self-explanatory, right? You've heard of Star Trek and you're obviously aware that it's better than Star Wars. Except for that one Star Wars show with Sasha Banks which is great because Sasha Banks. 

Here we go. The top 10 alien species from Star Trek

10. Andorians

They are blue and have antennae. That's it. Or apparently their personality becomes a little bit deeper than that in shows like Enterpise and Discovery - but nobody watched those shows, so here we are. Blue bois with the boopies. 

9. Vulcans

Oh, you think they should rank higher? Sure, they're one of the most prominantly featured races on the show. Most / many of the Star Trek shows and movies had one or more Vulcans as main characters. But come on now, how lazy of an alien is this? These are "space elves." They have pointed ears and slightly arched eyebrows. They are an alien species  that can perfectly infiltrate human society by wearing a hat or having long hair.  Star Trek absolutely took zero time to develop this species, at least visually. So basically all they got going for them is the whole "logic" thing where they struggle with things like having little to no emotions except when it's convienient for the plot to be like "oh no, they totally have emotions but they have to supress them and they're buring balls of rage inside." So I guess they are not Space Elves. They are they are Sociopath Space Elves.

8. Bajorans

While we're on somewhat lazy alien designes, Bajorans are just humans with some ridges on their nose. That's all. Sure, with regards to storyline they are super important to Deep Space Nine (obviously the best Star Trek show), and they have a rich cultural history intertwined with religious beliefs and struggles for independence from the recently-ended Cardassian occupation. Great characters, everyone loves Kira... but you're going to need more than a nose ridge and wierdo wormhole alien religion for me to rank you higher than this. 

7. Jem'Hadar

Hard to even call them an alien "species" because they don't seem to even have a home planet. If they do, it's never been mentioned. These are genetically engineered rockface boys with a delicious glowstick medicine drug food (Ketracel-white) that they get pumped into their body from a tube in order to live and serve as slaves to the Dominon. Nice. Now we're talking a cool species. All they do is take drugs and fight. It's like they're the Waffle House customers of the Gamma Quadrant. 

6. Trill

Okay, while this is another one that again mostly just looks like a human with some dots in various places, at least the species is not only the people with dots - it's also the weird space slug species known as a "Symbiont." Trill get these Symbionts inserted into them (giggity?) and they take on the memories and knowledge of the last person who had the Symbiont in  them. Which creates very interesting characters who have unique identities and who can be replaced when that actor goes away and yet still sort of play the same character. Sort of like Doctor Who, although I guess Doctor Who figured out how do do that story without the space slug.

5. Ferengi

Hell yeah, the greedy space capitalists. With their large ears, sharp teeth, strange Rules of Aquisition, mostly unshown backstory about naked females, and how they say "huu-mahns," they are there partly for thought-provoking deconstructions of late stage capitalists living in the Federation's utopian post-money society... but mostly they are there for comic relief. Any DS9 episode that was a "Quark" episode was a good one. Quark episodes were all killer, no filler, baby! 

4. Cardassians

Speaking of DS9 being awesome, Cardassians are recognizable by their gray, repitillian, skin; their distinctive forehead ridges ("spoon heads" is totally a futre space slur for them) and militaristic society. Okay sure, DS9 is where they were seen the most, but the Cardassians were featured prominently in various Star Trek series, most often as adversaries. They're great!

3. Borg

Like with the Jem'Hadar, it's sort of hard to call them a species since they're more like cyborgs. These are your TNG-introduced cybernetic beings that can take main characters and robotize them into enemies. Their collective, hive consciousness and relentless pursuit of assimilating others makes them a perfect villain. Sounds like I'm also talking about white people in general but hey, it is what it is. 

2. Romulans

Now I'll admit, Romulans started off much like the Vulans. In fact - VERY similar to the Vulcans. Just Vulcans who took eyebrow styling to the MAXXXX. However, at least by the time Star Trek moved on to The Next Generation era, the look of Romulans evolved and they had much more distinctive forehead ridges, and makeup that took them out of the general "handsome Lord of the Ring" elf category and more into a "gnome" sort of look. They're known for their secretive nature, cunning intellect, and complex political machinations. Like the Cardassians, they always seem to be up to some bad shit that the Federation is not into. 

1. Klingons 

This was always going to be the obvious choice, and really the only #1 answer.  Like the Romulans, in the original series the makeup was laughable and Klingons just a hair away from being racist Fu Manchu-ish "foriegner" characters. However like the Romulans, as the show moved on and got bigger budgets, they got their distinctive look with forehead ridges, long rockstar hair, cool-ass armor and swords, detailed storylines on traditions of fighting and drinking, and a language that had so much thought put into it that nerds basically made it into a real language. And then Star Trek Discoverey happened and somewhat was like "What if we change what the Klingons look like AGAIN but this time make them look horrible?" and someone greenlit that. So we won't talk about Discovery because it's dumb. You know exactly what version of Klingons are ranked #1. The Worf version. 

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Ed Ranks Equal-Limbed Crosses in Heraldry

Crosses. You see them all the time in heraldry. Which is… I think… the study of people named Harold? Pretty sure. 

Let’s have a fun visual ranking like the good old days when I just ranked photos of Zendaya! This seems a lot easier to do than all that hard research into Japanese shoguns like last week. 


16. Cross Hummetty (aka Couped, Alaisée, Greek)

Review: BORING. Basic bitch cross. Plus sign. Snoooooore. 

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15. Avellane Cross

Review: Eww. What is this? Gross and wierd. 

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14. Cross Gamma

Review: No thanks, the Nazis basically ruined any shape close to this. 

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13. Cross Barby

Review: No way is it still a cross with arrows. These are directions. 

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12. Cross Fourchy

Review: Nobody asked for a cross with split ends. 

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11. Cross Potent

Review: More like four T's having a circle jerk. 

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10. Cross Moline

Review: ANOTHER cross with split ends? Why? 

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9. Cross Cercelée

Review: Way too many crosses that look like this, but at least this one has some slight style. 

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8. Cross Pattée

Review:  Another cross that could rank higher, but got ruined by the damned Germans.

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7. Cross Patoncé

Review: Oh. This is sort of cool. Are these like leaves or something? I dig it. 

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6. Order of Christ Cross

Review: Would have been boring but it's red. COOL. RED! 

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5. Cross Crosslet 

Review: Whoa. Inception. A bunch of crosses in a cross. Mind blown. 

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4. Cross Fleury

Review: A cross with four fleurs-de-lys shapes at the ends? Cool beans. 

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3. Cross Bottony

Review: Clover / club cross thing. Niiiiiice. 

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2. Cross Erminée

Review: Hello? This is the Cool Cross Times. We'd like to set up an interview with Cross Erminée and ask it how it got so much swagger. 

1. Maltese Cross

Review: Maltese Cross is best cross. Obviously. Look how awesome this thing looks. It will cut you if you try to mess with it. 

Thursday, April 4, 2024

Ed Ranks the Shōguns of Japan

Hey, that new Shōgun show on FX/Hulu is pretty awesome, right? And although it’s historical fiction, it’s loosely based on some real historical characters. But instead of talking about the show, we’ll just talk about some of those real shōguns. The top 10 of them, specifically. 

Oh, and what IS a shogun, exactly? In case you're familiar with the term but don't know exactly what it means. Basically for most of the era when they ruled (a nearly 700 year period from 1185-ish to 1868), they were the true power behind the throne. Sure, there was an Emperor – but think of that Emperor as more of like a figurehead like how Charles is in England, and the shōgun as the legit power, especially militarily. But unlike something like a UK Prime Minister, shoguns themselves were largely ALSO hereditary titles too, with children comding after their fathers. So it was like a sort of second emperor. Of course, this “they are the real ruler” thing isn’t true in some of the Kamakura period, where the shoguns ALSO became figureheads, but let’s not go down that little diversion. It’s complicated. 

10. Tokugawa Tsunayoshi (徳川 綱吉)

The fifth Tokugawa Shogun, he reigned from 1680 to 1709. Get used to that "Tokugawa" name from now on, because the top 10 is going to be full of Tokugawas (spoiler!). Coming from such a distinguished line of powerful rulers, he had his work cut out for him in making a legacy for himself. And what was that legacy? Well… things started rough and he had trouble becoming shogun in the first place, with a mini-succession crisis in 1680-81 before he was finally installed. He was also a tightwad administrator who wasn’t insanely popular for doing things like strictly enforcing the samurai code by enforcing subordinates to commit suicide for things like “mismanagement.” He also banned an insanely popular pastime throughout history in nearly all cultures: prostitution. Booo! What a buzzkill! But what he’s most famous for is that he had a policy called the “the Edict on Compassion for Living Things” which was essentially a law that banned killing dogs. Yeah, you can't hate on him for being a bit of an animal rights activist. I mean, that sounds cool and everything, but it gave him the nickname "the Dog Shogun" – which wasn't exactly a complement. He was born the year of the dog so he made it his thing. Only his ban on dog killings sort of made the cities overrun with diseased stray dogs, which folks didn’t exactly come to love. Strife and disagreement between the daimyōs (just think "nobles") was common during his reign too – and that whole “revenge of the forty-seven rōnin” thing happened during his time as shogun. He wasn’t successful as getting an heir either, which wasn’t helped by his “official” wife poisoning the children he had with concubines. While some legends say he was stabbed to death by the consort – his eventual demise was likely the less dramatic “get got measles.” Anyway.  That's why he's down here at #10. He's got a legacy for sure, but it ain't exactlty shining. 

9. Tokugawa Ietsuna (徳川 家綱)

Slightly more successful than Doggo Shogun was his older brother, Ietsuna. The fourth Tokugawa Shogun, he ruled from 1651 to 1680. He continued the policies of centralization initiated by his predecessors and was able to maintain a solid period of stability within the Shogunate. He was also largely considered to be an able leader. So… an able leader in a stable period. Sounds pretty successful, right? Why's he down here at 9? Well, he also sort of deferred the vast majority of his power to a number of regents that his father had appointed when he took control at a young age. And after he grew up and was old enough to rule on his own? He sort of… well… just didn’t. He let those people keep control. He was cool letting other people run stuff for him. So, you know, a successful time period in history – but Ietsuna himself wasn’t exactly the person who could take a lot of responsibility for it. He was there at a lucky and stable time, and was just in it for the ride. 

8. Ashikaga Yoshimasa (足利 義政) 

This guy was the eighth shōgun of the Ashikaga shogunate, reigning from 1449 to 1473 during the Muromachi period. He was the son of the sixth Ashikaga shōgun and really only assumed the title because his 10-year-old brother (the seventh Ashikaga shogun) fell off a horse and died. That tended to happen a lot in this era (think of Henry II of France over in Europe) Needless to say that ALSO in this era, there were obviously all sorts of family rivalries and feuds so this type of situation with premature dying rulers was a good breeding ground for civil wars. Yoshimasa’s reign was plagued by the Ōnin War - a civil war that lasted from 1467 to 1477. You’ll see that the end year of that war extends beyond his reign. Was he killed in a battle? Nope! Nothing quite so dramatic. He turned in his papers and just left. Doesn’t seem like a war-plagued reign warrants making the list of top 10 – but then again Yoshimasa’s reign is generally regarded as marking the height of the Ashikaga Shogunate's cultural achievements. Although, also a turning point beginning its decline. So there’s that. Still, the Ashikaga shogunate stumbled on about exactly 100 more years after his reign - with none of the Ashikagas who came after him being powerful enough to make this top 10 list. 

7. Tokugawa Yoshimune (徳川 吉宗) 

Speaking of eighths, Yoshimune was the eighth shōgun of the Tokugawa shogunate, ruling for 30 years from 1716 until his abdication in 1745. He’s known for repealing the ban on Western literature (previously initiated in 1640), a number of financial and cultural reforms (especially the Kyōhō Reforms for the 1720s), but if you’re looking for “cool samurai shit” related to him – he spent a lot of time trying to resurrect Japanese swordsmithing culture. Today we think of Japanese people having cool swords as “yeah, duh, obviously, they always have” but it was actually a lost art for a long time. It was this guy's reign as shogun that brought sexy swords back, so all you Japan-fetishish dorks out there with katanas hanging on your wall have him to thank for that. Come 1745 he too said “nah, I’m done” and retired, going on to live another 6 years. 

6. Ashikaga Yoshimitsu (足利 義満)

Jumping back to the Ashikaga shogunate and travelling back in time to when it was a rising rather than fading power, Yoshimitsu was its third shogun, and reigned from 1368 to 1394. Being a third son it was never assumed that he’d rule, but then again life was pretty fragile back then so he had the good luck to continue living long enough to reign – unlike his two older brothers. And by “live long enough to reign” I am referring to the ripe old age of 10 when he took the title. The Ashikaga shogunate is often called the “Muromachi shogunate” too, because the palace that this guy built. Accomplishments? He helped to resolve rifts between the feuding Northern and Southern royal courts in Japan, suppressed the power of some of the regional daimyōs that might have tried to challenge his central authority, played a major role in the genesis of Noh theatre, but probably most famously engaged in all sorts of diplomacy with China, making him one of the most successful diplomat shoguns in Japanese history.  Like the others already mentioned, this guy retired after his rule and even tried to take on a title usually reserved for retired emperors (until he abruptly died during that process, oh well). 

5. Tokugawa Iemitsu (徳川 家光)

The third Tokugawa Shogun, and father of the unfortunately named Dog Shogun and his brother Ietsuna, he served as ruler of Japan from 1623 to 1651. He’s primarily known for further centralizing the power of the Shogunate, and implemented strict isolationist policies. You know how we just talked about Tokugawa Yoshimune repealing the 1640 ban on western literature back at #7? Yep, well you’ll see that 1640 just happens to fall right here in the reign of Iemitsu. Of course book-banning wasn’t his only isolationist policy. He took on some more, erm, "extreme" actions like crucifying Christians (so those failing upwards white guys on Shōgun have that to look forward to), expelling all Europeans from Japan, and closing the borders of the country (a policy that largely continued for the next 200 years). So, that’s definitely a man who left a lasting legacy. He ordered one of his brothers to kill himself too. Yikes. Oh, and if you remember my old rankings of European Monarchy mistresses (parts 1 and 2) and some of their surprising power – you might also be interested in the fact that Iemitsu’s wet nurse acted as his political adviser and was at the forefront of his negotiations with the Imperial Court. So another fun fact for you there, if you didn’t want to end on the crucifying Christians and ordering his brother to kill himself stuff because that’s a downer. Ha! But you just ended on it anyway by me bringing it back up. 

4. Tokugawa Hidetada (徳川 秀忠)

As I implied earlier, the Tokugawa Shogunate was pretty powerful and all over the top 10. Here we have Iemitsu’s father, the second Tokugawa Shogun, who reigned from 1605 to 1623. Hidetada’s own father was the powerful and influential Ieyasu (we’ll get to his time as shogun later), but Ieyasu was another one of those “I’m going to retire before I die” type of rulers – which was actually a sound strategy to allow a hereditary shogun to take over with a little more legitimacy while their still powerful and influential predecessor is alive and supporting them.  That was, of course, the good side of his father still being alive. The bad side was ALSO the fact that Ieyasu was “still powerful and influential,” which can be seen as also harming some of Hidetada’s early reign as he was basically in his father’s shadow, despite nominally being shogun. The two would clash occasionally for the first 11-ish years of Hidetada’s reign until Ieyasu’s death in 1616. And in that timeframe was the Siege of Osaka - a series of battles undertaken by the Japanese Tokugawa shogunate against the Toyotomi clan, and ending in the Toyotomi’s clan destruction. That was of course an important achievement, and showed that he could consolidate his father's rule and play a key role in the stabilization of the Tokugawa regime. He also greatly improved the shogunate’s relationship with the Imperial Court, marrying a daughter to the Emperor – a union which would result in his granddaughter becoming Empress one day.  Beyond that, his rule also saw the successful development of the city of Edo. He himself would resign in 1623, turning things over to Iemitsu (and his wet nurse). 

3. Ashikaga Takauji (足利 尊氏)

We’ve already talked about two Ashikagas before – so let’s now talk about the founder of the Ashikaga Shogunate, who reigned from 1338 to 1358. Yep, that’s going back a bit. As you might assume from someone who is credited as the “founder” of a new Shogunate… the inverse relationship is of course that a previous Shogunate must have ended. We haven’t talked a ton about the Kamakura Shogunate yet, although the long story short on that is that it was the original shogunate dynasty that had successfully ruled for 140ish years. Takauji was a fairly successful general for the Kamakuras, but they fell in 1333 in an event called the “Kenmu Restoration.” That was a 3-year period in history where the Emperors themselves once again had a large amount of power in Japan rather than the shoguns, and it would be the last time the Emperors would really have power until all the way until the Meiji restoration in the 500 years later in the 19th centuruy. Long story short – the samurai clans didn’t exactly love it and many of the samurai sided with Takauji to march on Kyoto. The decisive Battle of Minatogawa in 1336 basically put Takauji in power, though it wouldn’t be another two years until he got the shogun title. While obviously being a key military victor and dynasty founder, his reign itself didn’t shine as bright as how he got to it – with it being plagued by a period of feuding rival “emperors” in the North and South. A feud that wouldn't be resolved until the reign of Yoshimitsu (#6 above). 

2. Minamoto no Yoritomo (源 頼朝)

The first Shogun in Japanese history (arguably – there are some pre-Kamakura rulers that some make arguments about deserving the title, but… again… complicated), he established the aforementioned Kamakura Shogunate and laid the groundwork for future military rule over Japan's Emperors. His reign occurred between 1192 and 1199 – basically when like Richard the Lionheart was on the throne in England (if you need that time period comparison). This guy is the George Washington of Shoguns. The shOGun. Get it? The OG is in caps. Give me a break here, guys. I'm trying. Anyway, so at the time there was this "Genpei War" between two major clans – the Taira and Minamoto. The end result after years of fighting was victory by Minamoto no Yoritomo in 1192, after which he established the Kamakura "Bakufu" ("tent government,"  a term that's basically the same as shogunate) and became the de facto military ruler of Japan, giving himself significant power and influence over the country's affairs. And that's how he establishes a position that was more powerful  than the emperor itself. Though he’d only rule with that title for a few years before his death – the fact that he established the shogun title itself means he kickstarted the Japanese feudal period that would last all the way until 1868. 

1. Tokugawa Ieyasu (徳川 家康)

Well, we have talked a lot about the Tokugawas, so it should not be a surprise to you that the individual coming in ranked as the #1 shogun in Japanese history is the founder of the Tokugawa Shogunate, Ieyasu, who unified Japan and established a long-lasting and powerful dynasty. Remember how I began by talking about the FX show (and the novel it was based on) – being inspired by real historical events. Well, the shōgun that Shōgun is based on is Mr. #1: Tokugawa Ieyasu. Will it surprise you that the man ranked #1 only ruled with that title for two short years though – from 1603 to 1605?  If you’re watching the show which depicts a somewhat reluctant figure who isn’t necessarily looking to regain that mighty title for himself, that fact shouldn’t really be that surprising. He’s regarded as one of the three "Great Unifiers" in Japanese history, the son of a minor daimyo who would build a castle in Edo (a city that would eventually have another name… made you’ve heard of it: Tokyo), and who eventually rise through the ranks and win the Battle of Sekigahara in 1600 – paving the way for the reestablishment of the Shogun system which had been obsolete since the implosion of the Ashikaga shogunate some 30 years prior. Oh, I guess that's anotehr spoiler for the show technically. The main character depicted as the noble hero wins. Shocker, right? Anyway... despite stepping own in 1605 – as mentioned in the discussion of his son Hidetada’s reign – Ieyasu would retain significant influence and power in his retirement.