Thursday, April 18, 2024

Ed Ranks Star Trek Aliens

This one is self-explanatory, right? You've heard of Star Trek and you're obviously aware that it's better than Star Wars. Except for that one Star Wars show with Sasha Banks which is great because Sasha Banks. 

Here we go. The top 10 alien species from Star Trek

10. Andorians

They are blue and have antennae. That's it. Or apparently their personality becomes a little bit deeper than that in shows like Enterpise and Discovery - but nobody watched those shows, so here we are. Blue bois with the boopies. 

9. Vulcans

Oh, you think they should rank higher? Sure, they're one of the most prominantly featured races on the show. Most / many of the Star Trek shows and movies had one or more Vulcans as main characters. But come on now, how lazy of an alien is this? These are "space elves." They have pointed ears and slightly arched eyebrows. They are an alien species  that can perfectly infiltrate human society by wearing a hat or having long hair.  Star Trek absolutely took zero time to develop this species, at least visually. So basically all they got going for them is the whole "logic" thing where they struggle with things like having little to no emotions except when it's convienient for the plot to be like "oh no, they totally have emotions but they have to supress them and they're buring balls of rage inside." So I guess they are not Space Elves. They are they are Sociopath Space Elves.

8. Bajorans

While we're on somewhat lazy alien designes, Bajorans are just humans with some ridges on their nose. That's all. Sure, with regards to storyline they are super important to Deep Space Nine (obviously the best Star Trek show), and they have a rich cultural history intertwined with religious beliefs and struggles for independence from the recently-ended Cardassian occupation. Great characters, everyone loves Kira... but you're going to need more than a nose ridge and wierdo wormhole alien religion for me to rank you higher than this. 

7. Jem'Hadar

Hard to even call them an alien "species" because they don't seem to even have a home planet. If they do, it's never been mentioned. These are genetically engineered rockface boys with a delicious glowstick medicine drug food (Ketracel-white) that they get pumped into their body from a tube in order to live and serve as slaves to the Dominon. Nice. Now we're talking a cool species. All they do is take drugs and fight. It's like they're the Waffle House customers of the Gamma Quadrant. 

6. Trill

Okay, while this is another one that again mostly just looks like a human with some dots in various places, at least the species is not only the people with dots - it's also the weird space slug species known as a "Symbiont." Trill get these Symbionts inserted into them (giggity?) and they take on the memories and knowledge of the last person who had the Symbiont in  them. Which creates very interesting characters who have unique identities and who can be replaced when that actor goes away and yet still sort of play the same character. Sort of like Doctor Who, although I guess Doctor Who figured out how do do that story without the space slug.

5. Ferengi

Hell yeah, the greedy space capitalists. With their large ears, sharp teeth, strange Rules of Aquisition, mostly unshown backstory about naked females, and how they say "huu-mahns," they are there partly for thought-provoking deconstructions of late stage capitalists living in the Federation's utopian post-money society... but mostly they are there for comic relief. Any DS9 episode that was a "Quark" episode was a good one. Quark episodes were all killer, no filler, baby! 

4. Cardassians

Speaking of DS9 being awesome, Cardassians are recognizable by their gray, repitillian, skin; their distinctive forehead ridges ("spoon heads" is totally a futre space slur for them) and militaristic society. Okay sure, DS9 is where they were seen the most, but the Cardassians were featured prominently in various Star Trek series, most often as adversaries. They're great!

3. Borg

Like with the Jem'Hadar, it's sort of hard to call them a species since they're more like cyborgs. These are your TNG-introduced cybernetic beings that can take main characters and robotize them into enemies. Their collective, hive consciousness and relentless pursuit of assimilating others makes them a perfect villain. Sounds like I'm also talking about white people in general but hey, it is what it is. 

2. Romulans

Now I'll admit, Romulans started off much like the Vulans. In fact - VERY similar to the Vulcans. Just Vulcans who took eyebrow styling to the MAXXXX. However, at least by the time Star Trek moved on to The Next Generation era, the look of Romulans evolved and they had much more distinctive forehead ridges, and makeup that took them out of the general "handsome Lord of the Ring" elf category and more into a "gnome" sort of look. They're known for their secretive nature, cunning intellect, and complex political machinations. Like the Cardassians, they always seem to be up to some bad shit that the Federation is not into. 

1. Klingons 

This was always going to be the obvious choice, and really the only #1 answer.  Like the Romulans, in the original series the makeup was laughable and Klingons just a hair away from being racist Fu Manchu-ish "foriegner" characters. However like the Romulans, as the show moved on and got bigger budgets, they got their distinctive look with forehead ridges, long rockstar hair, cool-ass armor and swords, detailed storylines on traditions of fighting and drinking, and a language that had so much thought put into it that nerds basically made it into a real language. And then Star Trek Discoverey happened and somewhat was like "What if we change what the Klingons look like AGAIN but this time make them look horrible?" and someone greenlit that. So we won't talk about Discovery because it's dumb. You know exactly what version of Klingons are ranked #1. The Worf version. 

No comments:

Post a Comment