Ed Ranks Chad Michael Murray Roles by How Much They Sound Like Chad Michael Murray Roles

James Earl Jones Voice: This is CMM 

Chad Michael Murray might be the whitest white person alive, with the whitest name. The only names that I can think of that might be whiter are "Skip Whiteson," "Chet Confederategun," and "Cody Secondamendment."

He is also the crown prince of playing the whitest white boy roles of all time, especially on networks like WB/UPN/CW.

Whiteness clarification here: Note that since France is is Europe, and Europe is full of white people, hypothetically if Chad Michael Murray played the role of a character called "Pierre René Devereaux," that would technically be "white" too. But it's not the type of white that Chad Michael Murray should be playing. You know what I mean. There is a type of smug doucheyness that comes with CMM roles. Yeah, I'm calling him "CMM." Deal with it.

Below are roles that Chad Michael Murray has played, according to IMDB, ranked by how much it sounds like Chad Michael Murray should be playing those roles.

39. Dave Mendoza (Southland, 2013) - The surname "Mendoza" implies some sort of Hispanic, or at least Iberian peninsula, heritage. It is impossible to even begin to fathom that CMM's cracker-ass honky self with his monogrammed sweater-vests should play a "Mendoza."
 
38. Edgar Evernever (Riverdale, 2019) - CMM could not believably have this name, because nobody in the world could conceivably have such a stupid name. Even for a TV show based on Archie Comics, this name sounds extraordinarily untenable.

37. Atticus Virtue (Max Winslow and the House of Secrets, 2019) - CMM should never play anybody named "Atticus," let alone "Atticus Virtue."

36. Ray Santucci (Diagnosis Murder, 2000) - CMM has about as much Italian in him as pasta he can fit in his mouth, and no more.

35. Jordan Owens (Home of the Brave, 2006) - This unisex first name and fairly general last name could be any character. "Jordan Owen" could be the name of a Black, female, baseball player in some movie about a collegiate allstar who dreams of breaking the sex barrier to play in the major leagues, for all I know. I do not think of CMM as a Jordan Owens.

34. Mirabeau Lamar (Texas Rising, 2015) - No. Absolutely not. See the "Devereaux Rule," as explained above.

This is who should play Brett Beauchamps.

33. Brett Beauchamps (The Beach House, 2018) - Another example of the "Devereaux Rule." CMM could and should absolutely play people named "Brett" (see #1 below, for confirmation for just how much of a Brett CMM is). But Brett Beauchamps wit' 'is ol' fam'ly down from deh Bayou? No. Just. No.

32. Sam Phillips (Sun Records, 2017) - I'll accept that CMM could play a generic white guy with this name. But playing THE Sam Phillips who helped to build rock and roll and produced for people like Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, and Johnny Cash? No. This is not proper use of CMM's unique acting capabilities to play a frat douche whose face everyone wants to punch.

31.  Jamie Tworkowski (To Write Love on Her Arms, 2012) - The idea that CMM would have any heritage that including struggling Eastern European immigrants, rather than shitty western Europeans who looked down upon people with last names including "-ski" as human garbage, is unbelievable. Nobody with this last name would ever get into a country club. And CMM's very face screams "I belong in a country club."

30. Patrick Kerns (Christmas Cupid, 2010) - I know that "Murray" is an Irish name, so CMM likely has Irish heritage. But you gotta be a lot more fucking Irish-looking than CMM to play a guy with the ultimate Irish name of Patrick Fucking Kerns.

29. Andy Wyrick  (The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia, 2013) - What kind of a surname is "Wyrick?" CMM might be an Andy, but he's no Andy Wyrick.

28. Spider Elliott (Scruples, 2012) - If I had a character named "Spider," I would probably not cast CMM to play that role.

27. Henry (Outlaws and Angels, 2016) - CMM is the main character in this, but doesn't even get a last name. Nothing about "Henry" particularly screams "Chad Michael Murray is playing this character!" Give him some shitty white douche last name and this could be different.

26. Tom Haviland (CSI, 2002) - Eh. Everyone's been on CSI. They were likely running out of interesting names when they got to this one. Nothing special here, nor uniquely CMM-ian.

Jay Stone... Jay Stone-AGE!!!

25. Jay Stone (Cavemen, 2013) - How strange is it that a guy has the last name "Stone" in a movie called "Cavemen" that isn't actually about cavemen, but is instead about young, handsome, Los Angeles people in their 20's feeling ennui? A douchey bro who feels ennui is certainly a good role for CMM, but the name is all wrong. Wow, I sure am using "ennui" a lot in this explanation.

24. David Alexander, Age 16 (Megiddo, 2001) - Pretty middling, nothing-burger name here. It strikes me in no particular way.

(TIE) 22. Dan (Undressed, 2000) and 23. Danny Wise (Road to Christmas, 2018) - Pretty generic here. Plenty of other people can play a "Dan" or "Danny." Nothing screams CMM to me. 

21. Brad Radwell (Scream Queens, 2015) - I suppose if you told me to guess the race of a character with this name, I would say "white" Yet I'd imagine a chubby guys in his 30s or early 40s that looked like an accountant before I imagined CMM.  It's the "Radwell" part that throws it off. If this name was just "Brad" with no last name, it could elevate to the top 10. CMM is very Brad, just not very Brad Radwell.

20. Buck Williams (Left Behind, 2014) - Wow. Buck, huh? Okay then.

(TIE) 18. Jack Thompson (Agent Carter, 2015-2016) and 19. Jack (Camp Cold Brook, 2018) - It's amazing to me that CMM portrayed a 1950's era police captain-type guy in a Marvel TV show, but I suppose CMM had to grow up some time and stop playing little smarmy teenage shits who wear nautical ascots.

17.Officer Ingram (Fruitvale Station, 2013) - Playing a police officer is very white. I'm not sure if it's CMM's version of white, but sure, let's rank this about here in the middle. Honestly though, what the hell is CMM doing in a Ryan Coogler film? I thought Ryan Coogler hired good actors.

16. P.K. (Other People's Children, 2015) - Sure, I suppose this could be a CMM role. If the "PK" stood for something else, like "Preston Kavindish."

15. Charlie Todd (Dawson's Creek, 2001-2002) - "Charlie Todd" is a very white name at first thought, but this Dawson's Creek (a very white show) ranking falls a little below some of the other names. Why? Because if you hear the name "Charlie Todd," there is a slight chance that he could be related to Tony Todd. And The Candyman is obviously as un-honky as you can get.

Remember Elisha Cuthbert? I do!

14.  Nick Jones (House of Wax, 2005) - If you're going to be given a white name, "Nick Jones" is relatively safe.


13. Jacob Orr (Chosen, 2013-2014) - Sure, Jacob seems to fit the CMM bill, somewhat. Not totally sure about Orr, but we can work with it.

12. Sean (A Long Way Home, 2003) - Pretty honky. Could use a last name though to give some extra crakcer-ass pizazz.

11. Rich (Survive the Night, 2020) - A very white name, in the CMM subset of whiteness.

10. Jake (Freaky Friday, 2003) - Yep. If I had a character named "Jake" in my film, I would definitely call CMM's agent to check for availability. 

9.  Austin Ames (A Cinderella Story, 2004) - Yep. Austin. That checks out as the most logical name to give CMM in this Hilary Duff-led retelling of a Grimm Fairy Tale through the lens of Lizzy McGuire teen comedy.

8. Tanner McCoy (A Madea Christmas, 2013) - Tanner is an EXTREMELY white name, but this could have risen higher in the ranks had Tyler Perry also come up with an equally white last name for him. McCoy just doesn't dial the whiteness all the way to 11. If you're going to call CMM "Tanner," you might as well go all the way and have him be "Tanner Aastor-Renton, III, esq."
 
7. Xander McPherson (Star, 2018-2019) - If there has been anybody named "Xander" in this country the last four decades that has a touch of melanin in them, I would be shocked.

(TIE) 5. Luke Hartman (The Lone Ranger, 2003) and 6. Luke (Write Before Christmas, 2019) - I guess whether or not Luke has a last name doesn't matter much in the end. CMM was born to play generic white guys named "Luke."

4. Ethan McAllister (Lies in Plain Sight, 2010) - Ethan? Oh shit! This is SOOOO CMM!


3.  Lucas Scott (One Tree Hill, 2003-2012) - Yep, one of CMM's most notable roles also has a very appropriately CMM name.

2. Tristin Dugray (Gilmore Girls, 2000-2001) - Pretty fucking white! "Dugray" has a vague sense of Frenchness somewhere back there, but still well within CMM's comfort zone and not risking any violation of the "Devereaux Rule."

In conclusion: White.

1. Brett Hollister (Love in Winterland, 2020)

This might be the most Chad Michael Murray-ish name of all time. First of all, "Brett" is a peak whitebread name. Then the last name? Oh wow! Hollister a sub-line of Abercrombie & Fitch clothing stores dedicated to only the whitest of teens who want to pretend that they are surfer bros who hang out at the beach? You can't convince me that CMM's true name is not actually Brett Hollister.

Ed Ranks the Months

This one is pretty straight forward, and I'm including only months on the Gregorian calendar. Sorry fans of Mercedonius. I'm writing this as an American, with American holidays, in the Northern Hemisphere, in a location that has "seasons." So if you live in Australia, or a place like San Diego where it's basically within 10 degrees of the same temperature all year, this ranking might not be that relevant to you. See also from the archives: Ed Ranks the Seasons.

Harvest in the festering heat faster, filthy serfs!

12. August - Too fucking hot! Blisteringly hot. And what holidays are there in August? None! There aren't even fake holidays that nobody gets off but that we pretend are real, like Arbor Day and shit. Hypothetically, kids get all of this month off because they're at school. Well, enjoy your time off by getting sunburns and dehydration, you little shits.

11. July - Basically the same as August, but as an American, at least we get the July 4. Holiday. But America's birthday is one of the few good things about this month.

10. February - Too cold. Too. Damn. Cold. I give too cold the benefit of the doubt over too hot, because hypothetically you can keep putting on more clothes when it's too cold. You can only take off so much clothes when your hot. Valentine's Day isn't anything special, and this month is gypped for being too short anyway. At least there is snow. Snow is nice.

9. June - Hot, but not as hot as July. Not really any holidays to speak of either. Flag Day? Father's Day? Eh, those are only sort of real.

Pretty, right?

8. January - New Years Day and MLK? Two holidays! Yeah! That's good. Plus the chance for snow. And this is the only month of the year most of us are in any state of physical fitness before we abandon all our resolutions.

7. March - This should be ranked here for St. Patrick's Day alone. Sure, some days are pretty ass-cold, but by the end of it, things are usually quite mild. The trees begin blossoming, but not so bad that your nose is completely full of irritating pollen (aka tree cum) yet.

6. May - Good weather, warm without being too hot. You can go camping. You can have BBQs (especially come Memorial Day). This is a good damn month.

5. December - Christmas is obviously a big plus, so December is a good month. And while it might be pretty cold, it's not February cold yet.

4. April - Maybe some days are cold, but the average temperature is pretty good on balance, at least where I live. It definitely feels like spring and the trees should all be full of blossoms. Some of the best temperatures of the year, but the pollen means it had to fall a tiny bit in the rankings. In years where there isn't a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT SHUTS DOWN THE WORLD, you can even go out and enjoy this month.

3.  November - A solid, respectable month that deserves the praise it gets. The weather is perhaps a little cool, but only mildly so. Maybe there are even some trees still changing colors, if the leaves didn't all fall off in October. Thanksgiving obviously stands out about this month too, and adds bonus points. Columbus Day is also a federal holiday, but if you're a real person with a real job, that is basically meaningless. 

2. September - To school children, September represents the dread of returning to school. To others, it represents the sad end of summer in general. As you can see from my rankings, I'm not particularly a fan of hot-ass summer anyway. Which means September is the month where, finally after being bombarded by stick-ass August and July, you get a reprieve and a few nice days. It's a nice enough month so that you should skip work and go out to enjoy the weather while everyone else is at work and/or school.

Now this is a month!

1. October 

Best month! This is April's near perfect mild temperatures, but without the pollen. What do you get instead of pollen? How about amazing trees that change colors and look beautiful as hell? PRETTY NICE! And there is also Halloween to consider. Is it the best Holiday? Well, I haven't ranked all the holidays, just federal ones, of which Halloween is not. However, it should be obvious that yes, the best holiday is Halloween.

Ed Ranks the Kingdoms of Life

Hey look, it's life!

Ah, the kingdoms of life! You know them! Plants, animals, fungus, bacteria, etc. Right? You've heard of these before, surely. How many of them are there? Nobody can agree! Obviously we've moved on a little since Carl Linnaeus's animal and vegetable kingdoms. Today, some people argue that there are six, seven, or even eight kingdoms of life. Since the 1990s, there are only about six that everyone can agree on, with sometimes that six becoming eight by sub-diving two of those six up into two different kingdoms each. I'm just going to go with those six.

6. Chromista - These are dumb little algae things that, for some reason, aren't classified as plants despite the fact that other types of algae do count as plants. The supposed reason why they aren't plants is because they are "protozoans whose plastids contain chlorophyll c." Whatever that means. I dunno. Just sounds like a tiny plant to me. But I'm not a biologist.

5. Protozoa - These are single-celled eukaryotes, either free-living or parasitic, which feed on organic matter such as other microorganisms or organic tissues and debris. Historically, protozoa were thought to be "one-celled animals", because they had animal-like behaviors, including the ability to move around and prey on other organisms, and lack a cell wall (unlike plants). These lil' guys carry a whole bunch of diseases, so fuck em!

4. Bacteria - You might view this kingdom of life as "bad," especially the current global pandemic. But remember, there are what we think of as "good" bacteria, and also what we think of as "bad" bacteria. Fun fact: nearly all animal life is dependent on bacteria for survival, because as only bacteria (and some archaea, which I'll get to in a moment) possess the genes and enzymes necessary to synthesize vitamin B12, an essential vitamin to support animal life. So what are the "archaea" that I mentioned? Well, they're so closely related to bacteria that people can't agree whether or not they are a different kingdom. Once they were considered as part of the same kingdom, together known as "monera." Even when they were separated out by some, another name for archaea was "archaebacteria." But nobody can agree, so I'm going to call them both bacteria. Whatever.

1-Up!

3. Fungi - Mmm, mushrooms, delicious. Technically, this means there is an actual "Mushroom Kingdom," and its' not just a fake thing from Super Mario Brothers. Do I need to explain fungi more than this? In addition to mushrooms, this also includes things like yeasts and molds. They're clearly not animals, and they're not plants either (despite appearing on many restaurant menus as "vegetables.") They're their own thing. Of course they used to be considered plants by some. That was long ago though. Fungi do not photosynthesize, so they ain't plants.


2. Plantae - Plants are mainly multicellular, predominantly photosynthetic eukaryotes. They have historically always been one of the kingdoms of life, dating back to Linnaeus's vegetable kingdom. Or even further back, really. In Ye Olde Greek times, Aristotle and Theophrastus divided all of life into animal and plant. All current definitions of Plantae exclude fungi (and some algae, as explained above), and are your photosynthesizing "green" plants that contain chlorophyll. This includes your flowering plants, gymnosperms, ferns, worts, mosses and green algae.

1. Animalia - I mean, considering that I am an animal, this would obviously be #1! What makes an animal an animal? Well, with very few exceptions, an animal will always be able to consume organic material, breathe oxygen, have mobility, reproduce sexually, and grow from a hollow sphere of cells (AKA the blastula) during embryonic development. Yes, you, human being, are an animal. Humans are not something different than animals. You are in the same damn kingdom of life as bluejays, crabs, starfish, horses, sharks, spiders, delicious moo cows, and all of that shit. Yeah. So enjoy being an animal. It's much better than being a stupid Chromista.

Animal eating an animal. Double example!

Ed Ranks the Jackson 5

Question: What ever happened to that little guy?

There are only five of them, so this should be easy, right? Well, actually it's six. Go figure.

6. Randy Jackson - No, not the guy from American Idol. This is the youngest of the Jackson brothers, and he wasn't really in the original Jackson 5. However, when the Jacksons moved from Motown to CBS records, Jermaine stayed with Motown and left the group (going solo is always a wise move, right?). After that, Randy was officially let in. But nobody cares about Randy Jackson. Ranking him any higher than this? That's gonna be a no from me, dawg.

5. Marlon Jackson - There was an original group of Jacksons consisting of just Tito, Jermaine, and Jackie. Only later were two younger brothers, Marlon and Michael, added to the group. One of them was a charismatic, natural talent who would woo the world with his magnetic personality, dancing skills, and insane singling ability. The other one was Marlon.  Like with the equally massive Wayans family, there has always got to be a mediocre Marlon in there somewhere.

4. Jackie Jackson - Sigmund Esco "Jackie" Jackson (yeah, it's a damned good thing he went with "Jackie") is a pretty forgettable Jackson brother, but it's not like he did nothing. He had sections where he took the leading singing role in both "I Want You Back" and "ABC," which has to count for something, right? But if you remember Jackie Jackson for anything, it's probably for the fact that he he had an affairs with a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader for a while in the 80's. I guess that cheerleader (and aspiring video choreographer) got her "in" into the music industry through Jackie, as you might know her better today as "Paula Abdul." Whoa. Second American Idol reference of this ranking. I promise no more.

3. Jermaine Jackson - Controversial move putting Jermaine here, under Tito? Let's discuss! Of the two, Jermaine Jackson obviously has the more solid and consistent music career, especially as a solo artist. If someone pointed a gun to your head and said "NAME ANOTHER JACKSON 5 MEMBER OTHER THAN MICHAEL, OR YOU DIE!", I'd guess at least 75% of people would say "Jermaine! Jermaine!" If you were to cast a movie about the Jackson 5, which I'm sure has already been done on a bad TV-movie level, the second biggest cast member would be playing Jermaine, and he would get substantial screen time. Jermaine Jackson has has a consistent and persevering solo career, with multiple albums including two albums named Jermaine (he's not that creative), Come into My Life, My Name Is Jermaine (again, not that creative), Feel the Fire, Frontiers, Let's Get Serious, I Like Your Style, Let Me Tickle Your Fancy (please don't, Jermaine), Dynamite, Precious Moments, Don't Take It Personal, You Said, and I Wish You L.O.V.E. But just because he's released all these albums, and keeps trying to make it happen, doesn't mean that anyone wants him to release these albums. Nobody cares, Jermaine.


2. Tito Jackson - Tito was theguitarist and, if we're all being honest, had much more actual musical talent than Jermaine. Tito could play synthesizer too! Yet Jermaine kept persisting, no matter how little everyone else wanted him to, and kept trying to make his own solo career happen. Tito was grounded in reality, and didn't get involved in all of that nonsense. It was only later in his career did he branch off for his own "solo" work, and then it was as a blues guitarist. Respect, man! Was he as good a singer as the others? Eh, not really. Still though, this is my ranking and I can make Tito #2 if I damn-well want!

1. Michael Jackson - This one is so obvious it's not even worth discussing further, is it? The totality of my explanation could be "I'll Be There" (if we want to strictly be confined by tenure in the Jackson 5 itself) or the single word "Thriller" (if we're considering an entire music career).

Answer: Yikes!

Ed Ranks Potato Chip Flavors

Hello BBQ, my old friend.

There are a lot of crazy ones out there. I'm just going to cover the common ones, that multiple different brands all use. You can go to any of the craptastic Buzzfeed-like websites and see a listicle about "crazy" potato chip flavors like ketchup, borsch, mint, cappuccino, etc. This is not that list. These are just the more normal ones. At least in the United States. I know in other places, other flavors would be more common. Like paprika chips or pickle chips, in Europe. Let me tell you something. Pickle chips are amazing and delicious. They are not to be mocked. They're sort of a tasty cousin of salt and vinegar, and I will not let you disparage them. But they're not that common here in the US, so you won't see them below. Sure, Lays and a few others have had pickle flavors, but I'm not sure they quite make the cut.

Also not ranked here are things like "Wavy" ("Ripples"), "Baked," or "Kettle Cooked." Those aren't flavors, but are varieties of chips, which may (and often do) receive the flavors below. Besides, ranking those would not be hard. The order between those clearly goes Kettle is best, followed by Wavy, followed by Plain.

12. Low (or No) Salt - Trying to be healthy? Why the hell are you even bothering to eating potato chips then? Go eat a carrot or something. Or bite into a plain baked potato.

11. Sea Salt - Normal salt is NaCl. Sea Salt is NaCl. There is ZERO scientific evidence that consuming sea salt instead of more refined sodium chloride salts has any health benefit, despite the hype. If you're buying Sea Salt chips, all you're doing is buying plain chips and paying more money for a gimmick.

10.  Salt & Pepper - I don't dislike salt & pepper chips, but they are certainly not among the first choice of chips I'd pick up if I saw them.

9.  Ranch - Many companies sell ranch potato chips, and they're perfectly fine. In truth though, the ranch flavor is better for corn chip-type snacks, like Doritos. You know exactly what I mean.

8.  Plain (Classic) - These are just fine, but blah. This ranking at #8 is probably pretty generous from me too, and they only get to be this high given that they can work as a side to almost anything, given how neutral they are.

This picture is of an "extra spicy" flavor, I presume.

7.  "Hot" Chips - This one doesn't have an easy title for me to give it, as every company gives these types of chips a different name. To some, they are called something like "Flamin' Hot," though you'll  get all sorts of fancy names like "Voodoo," "Red Hot," and probably even "Devil's Ass Fire." Not to be confused with something like Jalapeño chips (see below), these are the ones that typically have an unnatural red color and kick up the capsaicin levels to an 11. While normal Jalapeño chips might provide you with a nice, spicy kick to enjoy, things like "Mama Zuma's Revenge" are more likely to leave you with exit burns on your butthole a few hours later. You know exactly what I mean.

6.  BBQ - Hey, I'm surprised that I ranked this one this low too, as BBQ chips are an absolute classic! I love them, but I love five types of chips more than this one. Note that this is a wide category, as most companies have standard (or "classic") BBQ chips, as well as other things like Honey BBQ, Mesquite BBQ, etc. All subsets of BBQ chips are included here.

5.  Crab - Being from Maryland (and thus a worshiper of Old Bay), I wondered if this was just a truly "local" thing and nobody else knew about these, or if I could count them among the common chip flavors in the US. Though they are certainly a little more obscure that some of these other flavors, my research determined that crab chips were a lot more common than just the Utz brand that I grew up with, and companies like Herr's, Lay's, Route 11, and even Pringles have offered crab flavors. Unlike pickles, this one makes the cut!

4.  Cheese - This is probably the broadest category on the list, as cheesy chips are super common, but almost every company gives them different names, and some companies have multiple varieties of cheese-flavored chips. Some of the most common include Cheddar, Cheese & Sour Cream, Cheese & Onion, Cream Cheese & Chive, Cheddar Bacon, and so on. As with BBQ, I'm just going to classify these all into one ranking.

Ah, the ol' Salt & Vinegar

3.  Salt and Vinegar - These are delicious, and that vinegar flavor combined with the salt makes my tongue happy. I know some people are averse to these chips. That sounds like a personal problem to me.

2.  Sour Cream and Onion - Also sometimes this is Sour Cream and Chives instead, you get what I mean. This is one of the all-time classic flavors of potato chips, and there is zero reason to ever buy plain chips if you see these delicious bad boys around. I really debated if this should be #1 for a while, and had it there for a long time until I shuffled things around.

1.  Jalapeño - I don't actually eat chips that often, despite what you might think (given the fact that I'm ranking them). That being said, when thinking about what chips I do get if I wind up getting a bag of chips as a side at some place like a deli or sandwich shop, the ones I grab the most are probably jalapeño chips. I really like sour cream and onion, but honestly, if it was next to some kettle-cooked jalapeño chips (these are usually always kettle cooked, from what I've noticed at places), I'd grab the jalapeño ones probably 7 times out of 10.