Ed Ranks Chad Michael Murray Roles by How Much They Sound Like Chad Michael Murray Roles

James Earl Jones Voice: This is CMM 

Chad Michael Murray might be the whitest white person alive, with the whitest name. The only names that I can think of that might be whiter are "Skip Whiteson," "Chet Confederategun," and "Cody Secondamendment."

He is also the crown prince of playing the whitest white boy roles of all time, especially on networks like WB/UPN/CW.

Whiteness clarification here: Note that since France is is Europe, and Europe is full of white people, hypothetically if Chad Michael Murray played the role of a character called "Pierre René Devereaux," that would technically be "white" too. But it's not the type of white that Chad Michael Murray should be playing. You know what I mean. There is a type of smug doucheyness that comes with CMM roles. Yeah, I'm calling him "CMM." Deal with it.

Below are roles that Chad Michael Murray has played, according to IMDB, ranked by how much it sounds like Chad Michael Murray should be playing those roles.

39. Dave Mendoza (Southland, 2013) - The surname "Mendoza" implies some sort of Hispanic, or at least Iberian peninsula, heritage. It is impossible to even begin to fathom that CMM's cracker-ass honky self with his monogrammed sweater-vests should play a "Mendoza."
 
38. Edgar Evernever (Riverdale, 2019) - CMM could not believably have this name, because nobody in the world could conceivably have such a stupid name. Even for a TV show based on Archie Comics, this name sounds extraordinarily untenable.

37. Atticus Virtue (Max Winslow and the House of Secrets, 2019) - CMM should never play anybody named "Atticus," let alone "Atticus Virtue."

36. Ray Santucci (Diagnosis Murder, 2000) - CMM has about as much Italian in him as pasta he can fit in his mouth, and no more.

35. Jordan Owens (Home of the Brave, 2006) - This unisex first name and fairly general last name could be any character. "Jordan Owen" could be the name of a Black, female, baseball player in some movie about a collegiate allstar who dreams of breaking the sex barrier to play in the major leagues, for all I know. I do not think of CMM as a Jordan Owens.

34. Mirabeau Lamar (Texas Rising, 2015) - No. Absolutely not. See the "Devereaux Rule," as explained above.

This is who should play Brett Beauchamps.

33. Brett Beauchamps (The Beach House, 2018) - Another example of the "Devereaux Rule." CMM could and should absolutely play people named "Brett" (see #1 below, for confirmation for just how much of a Brett CMM is). But Brett Beauchamps wit' 'is ol' fam'ly down from deh Bayou? No. Just. No.

32. Sam Phillips (Sun Records, 2017) - I'll accept that CMM could play a generic white guy with this name. But playing THE Sam Phillips who helped to build rock and roll and produced for people like Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, and Johnny Cash? No. This is not proper use of CMM's unique acting capabilities to play a frat douche whose face everyone wants to punch.

31.  Jamie Tworkowski (To Write Love on Her Arms, 2012) - The idea that CMM would have any heritage that including struggling Eastern European immigrants, rather than shitty western Europeans who looked down upon people with last names including "-ski" as human garbage, is unbelievable. Nobody with this last name would ever get into a country club. And CMM's very face screams "I belong in a country club."

30. Patrick Kerns (Christmas Cupid, 2010) - I know that "Murray" is an Irish name, so CMM likely has Irish heritage. But you gotta be a lot more fucking Irish-looking than CMM to play a guy with the ultimate Irish name of Patrick Fucking Kerns.

29. Andy Wyrick  (The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia, 2013) - What kind of a surname is "Wyrick?" CMM might be an Andy, but he's no Andy Wyrick.

28. Spider Elliott (Scruples, 2012) - If I had a character named "Spider," I would probably not cast CMM to play that role.

27. Henry (Outlaws and Angels, 2016) - CMM is the main character in this, but doesn't even get a last name. Nothing about "Henry" particularly screams "Chad Michael Murray is playing this character!" Give him some shitty white douche last name and this could be different.

26. Tom Haviland (CSI, 2002) - Eh. Everyone's been on CSI. They were likely running out of interesting names when they got to this one. Nothing special here, nor uniquely CMM-ian.

Jay Stone... Jay Stone-AGE!!!

25. Jay Stone (Cavemen, 2013) - How strange is it that a guy has the last name "Stone" in a movie called "Cavemen" that isn't actually about cavemen, but is instead about young, handsome, Los Angeles people in their 20's feeling ennui? A douchey bro who feels ennui is certainly a good role for CMM, but the name is all wrong. Wow, I sure am using "ennui" a lot in this explanation.

24. David Alexander, Age 16 (Megiddo, 2001) - Pretty middling, nothing-burger name here. It strikes me in no particular way.

(TIE) 22. Dan (Undressed, 2000) and 23. Danny Wise (Road to Christmas, 2018) - Pretty generic here. Plenty of other people can play a "Dan" or "Danny." Nothing screams CMM to me. 

21. Brad Radwell (Scream Queens, 2015) - I suppose if you told me to guess the race of a character with this name, I would say "white" Yet I'd imagine a chubby guys in his 30s or early 40s that looked like an accountant before I imagined CMM.  It's the "Radwell" part that throws it off. If this name was just "Brad" with no last name, it could elevate to the top 10. CMM is very Brad, just not very Brad Radwell.

20. Buck Williams (Left Behind, 2014) - Wow. Buck, huh? Okay then.

(TIE) 18. Jack Thompson (Agent Carter, 2015-2016) and 19. Jack (Camp Cold Brook, 2018) - It's amazing to me that CMM portrayed a 1950's era police captain-type guy in a Marvel TV show, but I suppose CMM had to grow up some time and stop playing little smarmy teenage shits who wear nautical ascots.

17.Officer Ingram (Fruitvale Station, 2013) - Playing a police officer is very white. I'm not sure if it's CMM's version of white, but sure, let's rank this about here in the middle. Honestly though, what the hell is CMM doing in a Ryan Coogler film? I thought Ryan Coogler hired good actors.

16. P.K. (Other People's Children, 2015) - Sure, I suppose this could be a CMM role. If the "PK" stood for something else, like "Preston Kavindish."

15. Charlie Todd (Dawson's Creek, 2001-2002) - "Charlie Todd" is a very white name at first thought, but this Dawson's Creek (a very white show) ranking falls a little below some of the other names. Why? Because if you hear the name "Charlie Todd," there is a slight chance that he could be related to Tony Todd. And The Candyman is obviously as un-honky as you can get.

Remember Elisha Cuthbert? I do!

14.  Nick Jones (House of Wax, 2005) - If you're going to be given a white name, "Nick Jones" is relatively safe.


13. Jacob Orr (Chosen, 2013-2014) - Sure, Jacob seems to fit the CMM bill, somewhat. Not totally sure about Orr, but we can work with it.

12. Sean (A Long Way Home, 2003) - Pretty honky. Could use a last name though to give some extra crakcer-ass pizazz.

11. Rich (Survive the Night, 2020) - A very white name, in the CMM subset of whiteness.

10. Jake (Freaky Friday, 2003) - Yep. If I had a character named "Jake" in my film, I would definitely call CMM's agent to check for availability. 

9.  Austin Ames (A Cinderella Story, 2004) - Yep. Austin. That checks out as the most logical name to give CMM in this Hilary Duff-led retelling of a Grimm Fairy Tale through the lens of Lizzy McGuire teen comedy.

8. Tanner McCoy (A Madea Christmas, 2013) - Tanner is an EXTREMELY white name, but this could have risen higher in the ranks had Tyler Perry also come up with an equally white last name for him. McCoy just doesn't dial the whiteness all the way to 11. If you're going to call CMM "Tanner," you might as well go all the way and have him be "Tanner Aastor-Renton, III, esq."
 
7. Xander McPherson (Star, 2018-2019) - If there has been anybody named "Xander" in this country the last four decades that has a touch of melanin in them, I would be shocked.

(TIE) 5. Luke Hartman (The Lone Ranger, 2003) and 6. Luke (Write Before Christmas, 2019) - I guess whether or not Luke has a last name doesn't matter much in the end. CMM was born to play generic white guys named "Luke."

4. Ethan McAllister (Lies in Plain Sight, 2010) - Ethan? Oh shit! This is SOOOO CMM!


3.  Lucas Scott (One Tree Hill, 2003-2012) - Yep, one of CMM's most notable roles also has a very appropriately CMM name.

2. Tristin Dugray (Gilmore Girls, 2000-2001) - Pretty fucking white! "Dugray" has a vague sense of Frenchness somewhere back there, but still well within CMM's comfort zone and not risking any violation of the "Devereaux Rule."

In conclusion: White.

1. Brett Hollister (Love in Winterland, 2020)

This might be the most Chad Michael Murray-ish name of all time. First of all, "Brett" is a peak whitebread name. Then the last name? Oh wow! Hollister a sub-line of Abercrombie & Fitch clothing stores dedicated to only the whitest of teens who want to pretend that they are surfer bros who hang out at the beach? You can't convince me that CMM's true name is not actually Brett Hollister.